My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly August 12th

[StevenKelly]

My wife passed away in her sleep August 12th 2016.

She was my best friend and this was the best time of our lives together, we loved each other so much and we were so happy together. She was smiling and dancing the day of her passing because she was going to her seven year old nieces birthday party a couple of days later and she loved her niece very much. She was modeling new clothes for me and showing me her new purse and shoes so happy with the biggest smile on her face.

She was 51yo not ill and was in great shape. She was there and happy one minute and then gone a couple of hours later which is why I am having such a hard time dealing with this.............I miss her so much.

I sought out this forum because when I 'm not a total emotional wreck which is almost all of the time, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin and I thought writing about it might help. We have a lot of family and friends to support but other people move on and I'm not sure if I ever will. We were with each other almost everyday for 26 years. I don't know how to go on without her.

My sympathy for everyone here's loss, genuinely, I may understand how you might feel but I don't know, if it's anything like I feel it's a terrible existence.

The photo is our wedding day.

[StevenKelly]

My story is that I visit a child hood friend about every six months, we have a couple of drinks, talk and listen to music then I crash on his couch until about 6am. I got up had a coffee then drove home. I saw my wife's car still at our home and I knew something was wrong, I said to myself, please let this not be bad please as I rushed inside. I found her in bed laying flat still dressed in shorts and a tank top from taking the dog out for the last time the night before, I grabbed her legs and shook her and yelled her name but as soon as I touched her I knew she was gone.

Life has been a nightmare ever since. I can not process this. I have moments of what feels like moving forward and then I just crash for days, it all feels like it's just getting worse. I don't know if it will ever get better for me.

I ask myself, why did she die the one night I was gone, does this mean there is a higher power ? Had I been there maybe I could have saved her ?

I think she might have had a heart attack but I don't know because we live in the most violent county in the nation and they're so backed up I won't know a cause of death for 4 months. She looked peaceful though, her eye's were closed and she looked like she was sleeping.

One of our neighbors was the last one to talk to her at about 10pm, they said hi to each others dogs, the neighbor said she seemed normal, no signs of anything wrong. The neighbor still cries every time we see each other because my wife was such a caring and giving person and she would occasionally watch this neighbors dog when she was away.

It's a huge loss.

 

[velvettuberose]

Steven,

My deepest condolences for the loss of your soul mate. It is hard indeed. Coming from somebody who lost her husband suddenly, I don't have any other words to comfort you. Sudden deaths are difficult to accept because there is no closure, no goodbyes. 

The fact that she passed away when you were not there is just a coincidence in my opinion. If she had had a heart attack like you suspect, there is nothing you could have done. 

My husband had a massive heart attack and died right in front of my eyes with me being helpless and in shock. I have blamed myself for not doing enough, but now I am starting to realize that I need to stop doing that. It is nobody's fault. 

Have you considered seeing a grief counselor?

You reached out to talk about your feelings and that  is a good step.

We are here if you need us. 

[claribassist13]

Steven, 

Your wife is absolutely beautiful. In hearing the way you talk about her, it seems that she was graced with the best of everything. 

Sudden deaths are the worst. They leave us with hundreds of questions, most of which will remain unanswered for the rest of our lives. There is no closure in this respect. They could not have been avoided. 
It's good to see that you are reaching out and talking as you approach your one month mark. Having someone, anyone, to talk to will become vital to you as your move through your grief process. 

Please continue to reach out to us. Talk about anything and everything. 

[StevenKelly]

Thank you so much for your responses.

I start grief counseling on Sept.14th in the form of a group that lost their spouses but this last (almost) month seemed to have been the hardest time so far although things just seem to be getting worse as time go's on. I was offered 3 pastors in the mean time but those pastors were then difficult to reach and I just gave up.

I stopped calling people and crying in to the phone after about the third day I could just feel that people didn't want it anymore. My sister in law even shut off her cell phone ( the only way to reach her), she said she was " tired of people calling and saying the same thing over and over to her " My wife had a lot of friends, there were so many people at her funeral that the funeral home had to open up every room, and parking spilled out all over town. I guess we all grieve in our own ways, I wanted people to call me all day and all night.

I have one person, my best friend who's house I was at the night my wife passed, he's been there no questions asked every step of the way and I'm for ever grateful but he just got a promotion and a new job title and is crazy busy. So basically I've been on my own since about after the first week and the hardest part is being in and waking up in this silent home. He and his wife have been inviting me over for dinner pretty often though.

My deepest sympathy for your sudden losses. Unfortunately I can now say that I think I may know how you feel.

 

[velvettuberose]

Yes, people who don't know the hell we have to experience every day cannot comfort us no matter how many good intentions they have. Try to talk to those who are willing to listen. 

I also tried one of those groups...it was called GriefShare...through a church. but couldn't stomach the "God had a better plan for your husband; he is in a better place now, etc." stuff. I stopped going.

I am attending therapy session with a grief counselor. I started going a month after Walter died. I had a lot of anger and didn't know how to properly manage it.

After 8 months, I am somewhat better than I was in January, but it took a lot of work, tears, talking to my parents,support from the Army and friends, countless moments of why me, why us and what if, the people on this forum...My pain is still there, but some days it's more manageable. I still cry even in front of others. I can't help it. 

[velvettuberose]

2 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

Thank you so much for your responses.

I start grief counseling on Sept.14th in the form of a group that lost their spouses but this last (almost) month seemed to have been the hardest time so far although things just seem to be getting worse as time go's on. I was offered 3 pastors in the mean time but those pastors were then difficult to reach and I just gave up.

I stopped calling people and crying in to the phone after about the third day I could just feel that people didn't want it anymore. My sister in law even shut off her cell phone ( the only way to reach her), she said she was " tired of people calling and saying the same thing over and over to her " My wife had a lot of friends, there were so many people at her funeral that the funeral home had to open up every room, and parking spilled out all over town. I guess we all grieve in our own ways, I wanted people to call me all day and all night.

I have one person, my best friend who's house I was at the night my wife passed, he's been there no questions asked every step of the way and I'm for ever grateful but he just got a promotion and a new job title and is crazy busy. So basically I've been on my own since about after the first week and the hardest part is being in and waking up in this silent home. He and his wife have been inviting me over for dinner pretty often though.

My deepest sympathy for your sudden losses. Unfortunately I can now say that I think I may know how you feel.

 

Your wife is indeed gorgeous. 

[claribassist13]

2 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

people and crying in to the phone after about the third day I could just feel that people didn't want it anymore. My sister in law even shut off her cell phone ( the only way to reach her), she said she was " tired of people calling and saying the same thing over and over to her " My wife had a lot of friends, there were so many people at her funeral that the funeral home had to open up every room, and parking spilled out all over town. I guess we all grieve in our own ways, I wanted people to call me all day and all night.

I have one person, my best friend who's house I was at the night my wife passed, he's been there no questions asked every step of the way and I'm for ever grateful but he just got a promotion and a new job title and is crazy busy. So basically I've been on my own since about after the first week and the hardest part is being in and waking up in this silent home. He and his wife have been inviting me over for dinner pretty often though.

You will find as you continue on that people either avoid the situation entirely or they say the stupidest ****. We have to remember that the majority of our friends and family have never experienced the grief we are going through. They don't know how to react and most are not capable of watching us suffer they way we are. The thought of going through it themselves is beyond terrifying; most cannot fathom it. 

People will drift away suddenly, or over time. Eventually, the majority of the support you once had will leave. That is why it is important to hold on to the people who choose to stick by us (like your friend). They become a sort of saving grace, someone who you can talk to when you can't handle your own thoughts anymore. 

Keep reaching out to us and to other support groups. Don't give up simply because no one else bothers to stick around. 

[StevenKelly]

1 hour ago, velvettuberose said:

I also tried one of those groups...it was called GriefShare...through a church. but couldn't stomach the "God had a better plan for your husband; he is in a better place now, etc." stuff. I stopped going.

Yes, if that's what happens I won't last long either maybe even just a few minutes, I'm more interested in finding out how not to feel like one big panic attack all day long. If I can't get that there I'll have to move on and try to deal with this on my own.

Coming here has already helped, thank you so much.

[StevenKelly]

1 hour ago, claribassist13 said:

You will find as you continue on that people either avoid the situation entirely or they say the stupidest ****.

The day she passed minutes after she was taken away friends and family gathered and within a very short time people were conversing and laughing and eating food, even her only surviving sister. I didn't understand, I couldn't eat for days, I don't know when I'll ever laugh again. I knew then that no friend or family member will ever know how I feel, except now I see it hitting her mother and sister hard. Even my best friend try's to get me to laugh and suggests that I should be talking to other women already..........really ? I know he's just trying to help but I just stare at him with a blank face, I don't know what to say.

I ran into my wife's best friend from high school, she lost her little sister (16yo) and her son (19y0), she told me that no one will ever know how I feel. I believe her.

[StevenKelly]

BTW my wife's sister jumped off the roof of the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas last year in may, my wife never got over it, she cried everyday about it. Now both are gone in about a years time. I posted about it in the Sudden/Violent Death section.

 

http://lasvegassun.com/news/2015/may/25/woman-dead-after-jump-riviera/

[StevenKelly]

1 hour ago, velvettuberose said:

Your wife is indeed gorgeous. 

Thank you, she was an amazing woman.

And thank you for your support, hearing your story and writing about my wife has helped already............finally people that understand.

[claribassist13]

4 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

I ran into my wife's best friend from high school, she lost her little sister (16yo) and her son (19y0), she told me that no one will ever know how I feel. I believe her.

It's completely true. Those who have never experienced it will never understand. 

[Ellie]

Hello, Steven, please accept my condolences on the tragic and sudden loss of your lovely wife,  I'm just a couple of weeks ahead of you; I lost the love of my life, Drew, suddenly and tragically in an accident on July 21st.  It's been seven weeks now, and I'm still somewhat in a state of disbelief.  There truly are people out here who do understand, but unless it's the loss of a spouse/partner, and sudden/unexpected, only a few will truly know what we're going through.  I, too, couldn't eat for days, and even now I'm still only nibbling enough to keep my body moving.  I've had trouble sleeping, my hair is falling out, and the feeling of tears in my face and chest, waiting to spring out for any/no reason, hasn't gone away.  I talk to him, in the house and in the garden, like he can hear me.  I had visitors here almost non-stop for six weeks, but this week I've been on my own, and the silence is deafening and heartbreaking.  I'm watching leaves starting to fall from the trees, signifying the start of autumn, and I wonder how the seasons have the nerve to consider changing, when clearly the whole world should have ground to a halt when Drew left....???  I'm just now figuring out that I somehow have to continue living, but I can't make myself contemplate a future without Drew.  I understand completely the depth of the emotional, and physical, pain, the confusion, the shock, and grieving the loss of not only your closest loved one, but also your entire way of life and the whole future you had planned together.

I am reading a book that was recommended by a friend, that describes so many of my own emotions and feelings.  It's called "All At Sea" by Decca Aitkenhead.  It may be hard to find just yet, as I have a publisher's advance copy and I don't think it's been fully published yet.  The author lost her husband in an accidental drowning, so it was completely unexpected.  She has written of her experiences in a way that completely got inside my head, and helped me somewhat to know someone else had felt the same things I was going through.

Please remember to take care of yourself.  Stay hydrated, take vitamins, rest, be selfish about being good to yourself.  Your wife wouldn't want you to suffer any more than you already have.  Warmest wishes to you for comfort in your happy memories of her, and keep us posted on how you're managing.

Ellie

[Ellie]

Here's a review of the book; I hope it's widely available soon:

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2016/apr/10/all-at-sea-review-decca-aitkenhead

[KayC]

Steven,

I am so sorry, there are no words adequate.  My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died (heart attack), he looked the epitome of health, wasn't an ounce overweight, I was blindsided.  I went away for my sisters' weekend once a year and this was that weekend.  I got a call he was in the hospital...when I got there, they moved him to a different ward.  When they let me in, he was asleep...he woke up having a heart attack.  I doubt it would have made a difference in the outcome had you been there, but it's normal to question all the what ifs, we do that.  

It's been eleven years now, not a day goes by but I miss him with everything within me.  It took me about three years to process his death, another few years to learn how to live alone.  I have finally made somewhat of a life for myself that I can tolerate...nothing will ever be the same as it was and the big joy (my George) in my life is gone, but I do try to look for the little joys that come my way and appreciate them.  I count myself fortunate that I was able to have this man in my life, we loved each other wholeheartedly and fully and have no regrets.  We fit together so perfectly...

When it first happened I didn't see how I could live without him.  I was in shock, scared, major panic attacks.  Somehow I have, one day at a time.  I learned to try and stay in the present and not look at the whole "rest of my life" which is too overwhelming.  

I'm glad you've found this place.  Being able to express yourself is vital.

[velvettuberose]

16 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

The day she passed minutes after she was taken away friends and family gathered and within a very short time people were conversing and laughing and eating food, even her only surviving sister. I didn't understand, I couldn't eat for days, I don't know when I'll ever laugh again. I knew then that no friend or family member will ever know how I feel, except now I see it hitting her mother and sister hard. Even my best friend try's to get me to laugh and suggests that I should be talking to other women already..........really ? I know he's just trying to help but I just stare at him with a blank face, I don't know what to say.

I ran into my wife's best friend from high school, she lost her little sister (16yo) and her son (19y0), she told me that no one will ever know how I feel. I believe her.

You know...people, sometimes, say, " We need to celebrate the life of the deceased person because this is how we honor them. They wouldn't want us to be all sad."  I think that is totally wrong. There is a time to remember the happiness we lived with our loved ones, but until then we need to experience sadness and anguish in order to somehow heal. 

Do what you are ready for, what you feel. I would say do not listen to them if it doesn't sound right for you. They are not in your shoes. 

[StevenKelly]

12 hours ago, Ellie said:

Hello, Steven, please accept my condolences on the tragic and sudden loss of your lovely wife,  I'm just a couple of weeks ahead of you; I lost the love of my life, Drew, suddenly and tragically in an accident on July 21st.  It's been seven weeks now, and I'm still somewhat in a state of disbelief.  There truly are people out here who do understand, but unless it's the loss of a spouse/partner, and sudden/unexpected, only a few will truly know what we're going through.  I, too, couldn't eat for days, and even now I'm still only nibbling enough to keep my body moving.  I've had trouble sleeping, my hair is falling out, and the feeling of tears in my face and chest, waiting to spring out for any/no reason, hasn't gone away.  I talk to him, in the house and in the garden, like he can hear me.  I had visitors here almost non-stop for six weeks, but this week I've been on my own, and the silence is deafening and heartbreaking.  I'm watching leaves starting to fall from the trees, signifying the start of autumn, and I wonder how the seasons have the nerve to consider changing, when clearly the whole world should have ground to a halt when Drew left....???  I'm just now figuring out that I somehow have to continue living, but I can't make myself contemplate a future without Drew.  I understand completely the depth of the emotional, and physical, pain, the confusion, the shock, and grieving the loss of not only your closest loved one, but also your entire way of life and the whole future you had planned together.

I am reading a book that was recommended by a friend, that describes so many of my own emotions and feelings.  It's called "All At Sea" by Decca Aitkenhead.  It may be hard to find just yet, as I have a publisher's advance copy and I don't think it's been fully published yet.  The author lost her husband in an accidental drowning, so it was completely unexpected.  She has written of her experiences in a way that completely got inside my head, and helped me somewhat to know someone else had felt the same things I was going through.

Please remember to take care of yourself.  Stay hydrated, take vitamins, rest, be selfish about being good to yourself.  Your wife wouldn't want you to suffer any more than you already have.  Warmest wishes to you for comfort in your happy memories of her, and keep us posted on how you're managing.

Ellie

Everything you wrote is exactly what I'm experiencing. Thank you for being here, having people that understand helps so much. Thanks for the advise and the book title. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know exactly how you feel.

I began coming home and yelling her name and talking to her like she was here, I thought I was losing my mind but it felt so good to hear those things out loud again after being in my now totally silent home. We used to talk and yell for each other across the house everyday, joke and laugh and play with our dog together, now I just hear the clocks tick. I also take care of her childhood home, mow the lawn, bring in the mail, collect the newspapers, which is now abandoned, her mother is so distraught she had to move in with her only living daughter and her family. I began going inside and yelling her name over and over hoping for a response that never came.

The bigger problem is that I miss her so much I don't know what to do, it hurts so bad. I'm either sobbing or on the verge of it all day. So far it hasn't gotten better it's gotten worse. Today I was imagining what she would be doing and saying all day and it was tearing me up inside. Weekends are the worst, it's when we would have the most fun together, watch a movie, go for a walk through the park, get some french fries and enjoy the summer weather together. I can't believe it's all over with, we had so much more life to live together. I've never known pain like this.

[StevenKelly]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Steven,

 

I'm glad you've found this place.  Being able to express yourself is vital.

Thank you KayC, I'm glad I've found this place to it's been helping when nothing else can. I hope to try and have some what of a life someday to, right now that seems way out of reach. Everyday is spent thinking about her all day. Sometimes I think of other things for a few minutes and then the picture of finding her gone explodes into my head, it feels like my knees are going to buckle and I just shut down and panic. It's like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.

Thanks for being here for me. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Ellie]

I so understand, Steven, this is like nothing I've ever dealt with in my life too. The pain is physical as well as emotional. The reminders are constant. Every time I think of him, I remember, as if for the first time, that the accident happened, it was real, he's truly gone, he's never coming back, and it's like the grief is fresh and new and starting all over. I never thought I was an emotional person, as I've always been pretty steady....I almost never cry, I never really get angry, but this....what a roller coaster of emotions and tears. I keep seeing the way I found him in my head, and I'm stunned and horrified all over. I keep photos of Drew all around me to remember how he really looked in life, his handsome, boyish smile, his bright blue eyes....that helps me to erase the "video" from my mind's eye. 

Keeping friends and visitors around has helped, I find. They keep me focused on other things, give me someone to talk to, make the time pass quicker and easier. I've found that, as independent as I thought I was, I'm quicker to accept help these days, and more likely to reach out to people for support. If you have any friends or relatives you can call on, do it. If anyone can stay with you for a few days, invite them. If there is a grief counselor available, make the call (I didn't find my grief counselor especially useful, but I realize I was expecting him to either bring Drew back or make the pain stop, neither of which he can do....but, he can listen).  I've also been keeping myself busy with tasks, things that Drew used to do around the house, to keep my mind and hands occupied and my focus redirected. None of it makes the pain go away, but it pushes it back a bit, for a while, and passes the time....everyone keeps telling me that only time will start to ease the pain, eventually. 

You are coming up on the one month mark, I notice. Be aware that anniversary date is going to be a very hard day to get through. Keep friends around you. Change your scenery if you can get away.  I hate Thursdays these days....they're rough.  I find I've been skipping dinner most nights when I'm alone, and wonder if it's because I found Drew at dinner time.... Be aware of those triggers, steel yourself for them, and find ways to carry yourself through them. 

Another thing I'm finding eases the pain a little (like you, Drew and I lived alone together, so the silence in the house now is disturbing) is to turn on the tv or radio to keep some noise in the house. It also distracts my brain somewhat, and seems to fill up empty space. 

Also....I've found myself thinking about what Drew would be doing, going through, if he were alive and something dreadful had happened to me. How would I want him to react, to grieve, to take care of himself? If my spirit was watching him deal with this pain, the emotion, the loss, all the "stuff" that has to be dealt with when you lose your spouse, how would he be handling it, and how would my spirit want to help and comfort him?  I resolved to make Drew's spirit proud of me, and I've been telling him so. What would you want, if your wife were left on her own...? How would you want her to deal with this?  Make her proud. 

Ellie

[Ellie]

Steven, are you okay?  We haven't heard from you in a few days...

[StevenKelly]

11 hours ago, Ellie said:

Steven, are you okay?  We haven't heard from you in a few days...

Thanks so much for asking. Yes I'm ok. Thank you for being concerned. Nobody has asked me that in weeks.

I was in the middle of making a career move when my wife passed away and I had to continue on that path while dealing with her passing due to commitments I had made prior. Add to that getting our affairs in order and everyday has been crazy busy. Maybe that's a good thing right now but occasionally I feel over whelmed. Posting here has helped me the most so far. As soon as I free up I'm going to come here and seek more advise, thanks everyone for your help so far ! I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's kind words and advice. I would have been a wreck without that. Thanks so much !

 

[Ritchie_uk]

Dear StevenKelly,

My deepest condolences for you're loss.

Thankyou for posting the beautiful Photograph on you're wedding day, she looks absolutely Gorgeous.
I know it feels unreal, but how are life's plans going, like the career move, you mentioned?

I can't add to what has already been so eloquently said by the other caring members in this forum.

Please take care

Ritchie

 

[Ellie]

Hi Steven, "crazy busy" is good.  Everything slowed down here about 8 or 9 days ago, when the last visitors went home, and I've been on my own since then in a very quiet house, working from home, trying to figure out what this new, lonely "normal" is supposed to be.  It's heartbreakingly difficult.  I wish I could be more involved in the estate/affair settling stuff to keep me busy and occupied, but those duties are falling to Drew's son for the most part.  I'm trying to manage our property (50 acres) and our pets, while taking care of myself, working, and grieving terribly.  It's been a very tough week, with more tears; it's like the grieving started all over, once everybody else went home and I truly started missing him in the resulting void and silence.  Anything I can find to do to keep myself busy, occupied, and re-focused seems to help pass the hours....but, this is a heck of a way to live.  Our life together was so much fun...long chats, shared projects, socializing with friends, discussing our future...I miss it all so much.

They say you never get over the pain, you just learn to live with it.  Others say you don't even learn to live with it, as much as live around it.  I don't like either option.  I just want him back...

[KayC]

Steven,

It is hard to deal with work when overwhelmed with grief.  What we once thought nothing of accomplishing...everything seems to overwhelm us after grief.  I wish you well with it.

[StevenKelly]

Thanks Ellie, thanks KayC, thanks Ritchie.

My wife's sister hasn't been able to go back to work, her husbands brother who lost his wife a few years back took nine months off. I've been non stop since two days after the funeral. Not feeling sorry for myself I just wish I had a little time to think, maybe just to remember the good times we had together or to visit one of her favorite places in nature, she loved nature. As I mentioned I also have to take care of her childhood home which is now empty of people. We also had a really great dog together she's twelve and needs a lot of attention and I love her a lot. Oh well, maybe one day soon I'll get a chance to process what just happened, just not now. I guess that's what I'm doing here. This helps a lot. If I didn't have this I don't know what I would do.

[KayC]

I took two weeks off when my husband died, except I had to go in and do payroll five days after he died.  That was tough because it was hard to even think and of course I was planning the funeral, which was a week after he died.  I think being busy helped even though I was in a numb state of shock.

I understand your feelings about nature, my husband and I loved going for drives, hikes, camping, our home is in the country and it's beautiful here.  I hope you get a chance to visit those places someday soon.  I agree, the forum I was on when my husband died was my lifeline.

[StevenKelly]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

I took two weeks off when my husband died, except I had to go in and do payroll five days after he died.  

 

My wife did the payroll where she worked, when I went through her cell phone a few days later to see if I could hear her voice or read her words I came across multiple voice mails asking if she was coming in to do payroll. She passed on a Friday and had already been gone for about 5 hours. That's why this is so hard, it was so sudden and without warning.

[KayC]

So was my husband's death (sudden/unexpected).  It's very hard to absorb.

[StevenKelly]

One of the people that run's the support group insisted on picking me up instead of me driving.

Waiting for that ride now and watching home video's of my wife and I moving into our new home that we purchased together 20 years ago, smiling and happy. We would make dinner together and play with our cats and watch a movie and relax. Watched some movies of us at concerts, and of us visiting family. Sometimes I pause the video when she is looking at the camera and I stare into her eye's.

I don't know how I'm going to go on without her. You know how when you have something to do you imagine the future and how it will turn out ? I can't imagine life without her, it's just a blank.

[claribassist13]

4 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

.I don't know how I'm going to go on without her. You know how when you have something to do you imagine the future and how it will turn out ? I can't imagine life without her, it's just a blank.

We meet the one person we don't want to live life without, and now we have to experience that. 
My fiance and I had the next 10 years planned out, and now not only is that gone, but I've lost all the time after that as well. 

Somehow, we have to re-learn how we lived our lives without them. It seems impossible. I can hardly remember how my life ever properly functioned without my fiance, and I am sure you feel the same about your wife. 
It's a rough road we have ahead of us. Best to take it one step at a time. 

[KayC]

I am glad you found a facilitator that is so caring as to want to drive you to the meeting!  
Of course you don't know how to go on without your wife...none of us knew.  It's taken quite a process to learn how to process their death and learn to do life again.  One day at a time!

[StevenKelly]

21 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

We meet the one person we don't want to live life without, and now we have to experience that. 
My fiance and I had the next 10 years planned out, and now not only is that gone, but I've lost all the time after that as well. 

Somehow, we have to re-learn how we lived our lives without them. It seems impossible. I can hardly remember how my life ever properly functioned without my fiance, and I am sure you feel the same about your wife. 
It's a rough road we have ahead of us. Best to take it one step at a time. 

Yes, exactly.

[StevenKelly]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I am glad you found a facilitator that is so caring as to want to drive you to the meeting!  
Of course you don't know how to go on without your wife...none of us knew.  It's taken quite a process to learn how to process their death and learn to do life again.  One day at a time!

Yes, she has been great. The step mother of my wife's sister's husband. She drove me there and waited for me for an hour and a half.

[Millie681]

On ‎9‎/‎8‎/‎2016 at 3:02 PM, StevenKelly said:

My story is that I visit a child hood friend about every six months, we have a couple of drinks, talk and listen to music then I crash on his couch until about 6am. I got up had a coffee then drove home. I saw my wife's car still at our home and I knew something was wrong, I said to myself, please let this not be bad please as I rushed inside. I found her in bed laying flat still dressed in shorts and a tank top from taking the dog out for the last time the night before, I grabbed her legs and shook her and yelled her name but as soon as I touched her I knew she was gone.

Life has been a nightmare ever since. I can not process this. I have moments of what feels like moving forward and then I just crash for days, it all feels like it's just getting worse. I don't know if it will ever get better for me.

I ask myself, why did she die the one night I was gone, does this mean there is a higher power ? Had I been there maybe I could have saved her ?

I think she might have had a heart attack but I don't know because we live in the most violent county in the nation and they're so backed up I won't know a cause of death for 4 months. She looked peaceful though, her eye's were closed and she looked like she was sleeping.

One of our neighbors was the last one to talk to her at about 10pm, they said hi to each others dogs, the neighbor said she seemed normal, no signs of anything wrong. The neighbor still cries every time we see each other because my wife was such a caring and giving person and she would occasionally watch this neighbors dog when she was away.

It's a huge loss.

 

Steven,

First I am so very sorry for your loss. Your wife looks absolutely beautiful. I also lost my boyfriend suddenly & unexpectedly & it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Reaching out & coming to this site with people who understand brings me some peace & I hope it does the same for you. Please reach out anytime.

[StevenKelly]

2 hours ago, Millie681 said:

Steven,

First I am so very sorry for your loss. Your wife looks absolutely beautiful. I also lost my boyfriend suddenly & unexpectedly & it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Reaching out & coming to this site with people who understand brings me some peace & I hope it does the same for you. Please reach out anytime.

Thanks, yes coming here has helped a great deal or I would have gone down the drain already.

So sorry for your loss as well.

[Jeff In Denver]

Steven,

No platitudes from me.  I am sorry for what you are going through.  There is nothing like it.  You're dealing with people here who care, will know what you are talking about, and will listen.  Right now you'll find out who your real friends are.  The sad thing is seeing many of them drift away because they don't know how to handle your grief.

I have been posting a lot here on the Forever Family Foundation (foreverfamilyfoundation.org).  They are a non-profit, non-religious group who have experienced similar loss, and try to help others.

A psychiatrist there has produced a self-help course called "Love Knows No grief."  The premise is that grief is made up of two parts:

1. The physical loss of someone we love.

2. The concept that they no longer exist anywhere.  Gone.

He says that no amount of counseling can help with the first part.   But he believes that people like us tend to heal faster if they are convinced that our loved ones are still aware of us, love us, and are around us.  He presents scientific evidence that life doesn't end with physical death.

It is NOT about moving on.

He has a short video here. His course is the only thing that has helped me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I agree, Jeff, yet I've seen grief books that talked about moving on!  We do not move on from the person, but I guess we continue with our lives, not as if they never existed, that's impossible, but incorporating them into our lives in a different way.  In other words, I now carry my husband inside of me instead of beside me, does that make any sense?

[Jeff In Denver]

KayC, you are so right.  And we have people who tell us that we must move on.  It's maddening.  You described how we handle it very well. It DOES make sense.  But do you think that he could also be with you?  If what I have been studying is correct, he still is with you, loves you, and will always be there for you.  

In "The Light Between Us," they theorize that heaven could be much closer than we think.

Again, I am so sorry for what you're dealing with.

 

 

 

 

[Millie681]

6 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

KayC, you are so right.  And we have people who tell us that we must move on.  It's maddening.  You described how we handle it very well. It DOES make sense.  But do you think that he could also be with you?  If what I have been studying is correct, he still is with you, loves you, and will always be there for you.  

In "The Light Between Us," they theorize that heaven could be much closer than we think.

Again, I am so sorry for what you're dealing with.

 

 

 

 

Jeff I agree with you. I am so tired of people telling me that life goes on & I must move on.  Its so frustrating. I do think our loved ones are with us. I know I sound crazy but there are times that I can feel him. I can't believe that the love we shared just goes away. I agree with the theory definitely.

I hope that you are doing well.

 

[StevenKelly]

21 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Steven,

No platitudes from me.  I am sorry for what you are going through.  There is nothing like it.  You're dealing with people here who care, will know what you are talking about, and will listen.  Right now you'll find out who your real friends are.  The sad thing is seeing many of them drift away because they don't know how to handle your grief.

I have been posting a lot here on the Forever Family Foundation (foreverfamilyfoundation.org).  They are a non-profit, non-religious group who have experienced similar loss, and try to help others.

A psychiatrist there has produced a self-help course called "Love Knows No grief."  The premise is that grief is made up of two parts:

1. The physical loss of someone we love.

2. The concept that they no longer exist anywhere.  Gone.

He says that no amount of counseling can help with the first part.   But he believes that people like us tend to heal faster if they are convinced that our loved ones are still aware of us, love us, and are around us.  He presents scientific evidence that life doesn't end with physical death.

It is NOT about moving on.

He has a short video here. His course is the only thing that has helped me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Jeff.

Some one told me that it would take some time to feel and hear her and two days ago I had my first dream with her in it. I told her  I was going to miss her a lot and she said ' me to'. The interaction was so sad for me that I instantly woke up. Also I was at home yesterday evening taking care of a few things and out of the blue I heard ' I'm proud of you honey '.  I'm glad I'm starting to feel her I miss her so much. I'm looking forward to more interactions. Thanks for the video, I'll watch it.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

But do you think that he could also be with you?  If what I have been studying is correct, he still is with you, loves you, and will always be there for you.

There is no doubt in my mind.  I am not one that sees visions, etc., I'm grounded, practical..BUT!  It took me at least a year before I even had a dream of him, I have no idea why, we were so close, the closest relationship I've ever had in my life, one many people never get the chance to experience.  We were always together, when we weren't at work, by our own choice.  We understood each other, we communicated amazingly well.  We had such faith and trust in each other.  To go from having that everyday experience to just nothing, no dreams, nothing!...well it was horrid.  My first dream I had of him, I remember it well, I was mad at him for being gone, I wanted to know where he'd been!  When I woke up, I was mad at myself, why hadn't I just enjoyed the time with him, enjoyed getting to see him again?  I've dreamed about him since, but not a lot...or at least haven't remembered them.  I don't know why.  How can that be?  He was and is everything to me, even after eleven years of him being gone.

A while back the social security office told me instead of getting the $1100.00/month I thought I would get to live on (I retired), I would only get $267.00/month.  Then they closed and I was facing the weekend before I could talk to someone else.  I was very distraught, I couldn't live on that even with my meager IRA and my savings was about gone with all the house repairs and roof.  That night, I was laying there, not sleeping, and I felt George's hand on my shoulder/back area.  I knew his touch, I'd know it anywhere, and it was reassuring and comforting.  He let me know he was there.  That is the only time in all these eleven years that I have had a blatant sign that I knew without a doubt.  Oh I've had the rainbows, hummingbirds, those kinds of things, that I thought might be, but nothing so undeniable as this!  And it served it's purpose.  I rested assured until Monday morning when I could call the social security office and they told me they had no idea where that person came up with that amount and assured me I'd be getting $1174.00/month, even more than I'd anticipated.  

I've always felt that George is not dead, only physically.  That is hard enough, we have to live by faith, the same way our relationship started out (it started as a long distance one, writing to each other), but that is not a bad thing.  It only serves to strengthen our relationship as we live on faith in each other.  It is hard, not being able to hear his voice, but I already know him, through and through, I know how he feels, I know how he thinks, and I know how important I am to him and that nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever change that.  He still loves me.

I carry that love inside of me.  In these years since his death, I've lost my job three times, I've gone through surgery, I broke my right elbow, I've known abject poverty.  Somehow, knowing he is with me has carried me.  It's encouraged me as I went for job interviews and faced an uncertain future.  It's strengthened me as I've made difficult decisions.  It's comforted me in my aloneness.  Whatever I face tomorrow, I face WITH him.  And we WILL be together again!

[Jeff In Denver]

KayC - It hurts to see what a tough time you have had.  Your experience sounds real. I honestly believe that you're together now and will be even more so in the future.

Steven, yours does, too.  I hope you check out the Blair Robertson information in my "comfort" post.  His free online book helps explain how to communicate.  He talks about "bridges."  For example, a hummingbird may or may not be a sign.  But a hummingbird flying into the house and landing on something strongly associated with your wife would be.  That kind of thing.

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

Thank you, Jeff.  It has been hard, but it's been good too.  I have learned more and grown more than I have in the rest of my life combined!  It's one of those gifts you'd never ask for.  

[psquared13]

Hi Steven, my name is Patrick.  I came across your tragic story today as I was searching the internet and it really hit home for me.  I too have a similar story.  Back on May 13, 2019 I woke up to my wife's alarm going off, which I thought was very odd as this never happens.  I tried waking her up over and over and went into shock for a period of time.  I remember going downstairs to have a cup of coffee thinking "I really need to wake her up so she isn't late for work".  I know, stupid.  That morning will play itself over and over again in my head for the rest of my life.  Because he death was suddem and she was in good health (or so we thought), the police officers had to treat my house like a crime scene.  It was terrible to say the least.  I was later diagnosed wiht PTSD and in short, I just wasn't coping well at all with Nancy's death.  She and I met when we were 13 years old.  She was 52 when she died.  Above all, we were best friends and soul mates.  Now 8 months later I still think of her every minute of every day.  I write because I wanted to know how you are doing today, three years later.  I hope you have found peace and found a way to move forward, while keeping your wife's memory alive for all.  It is hard for me to think three years ahead and oftentimes wonder if I will pull through this and find some level of happiness again.  I'll certainly pray for you and yours.  Be well brother.  

[KayC]

@psquared13  Welcome here,although I'm sorry for your reason being here.  It's quite a journey.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I was 52 when my husband died, he had just turned 51.  You never expect to go through this so young.  It's been 14 1/2 years since.

 

[John Richard]

My wife passed away August 8th. I was getting ready to go to work and tried to kiss her awake she would not wake up she had passed. My life right now is a shambles. I don't know what to do. Very self-destructive thoughts like nothing matters anymore she was my everything she was the glue that held us together. Now it seems I'm just going through the motions of life thank God I have my three dogs if I didn't have them I don't know what would happen. She was the most perfect selfless would go out of her way to do for others before she did for herself. She is the love of my life so lost the pain is unbearable she passed away from her brain aneurysm that exploded. As I'm writing this message I am sitting on my living room couch crying my eyes out missing my baby life is not fair no one could ever replace the beauty of that soul the kindness the caring the giving right now every chance that you get to tell the one you love how much you love them and how much they mean we take this life for granted

Her name is Amy Joe Appleby and I love her with all my heart broke the mold with that one I am just thankful for the 27 years that we got to spend together they say this grieving is supposed to get easier? My name is John Bloom I was lucky enough to find my true love

[Gail 8588]

17 hours ago, John Richard said:

. . . thank God I have my three dogs if I didn't have them . . .

John,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair that Amy is gone.  And it is so difficult to find a way to connect to the world again after the death of your true love, especially so in this time of covid isolation.

My advice for now is cling to your dogs. They are tangible connections to Amy. She loved them. She loved you. They are a thin rope to hold on to to keep you from falling into the abyss of her absence. 

During the early months of my grief my dog was my mental health support animal.  Whether listening to me weep or rage, he stayed with me. Meeting his needs for food, water, a walk, was the only thing that got me vertical many, many days. And as nonsensical as it sounds, knowing that I needed to go feed the dog now, may well have kept me from suicide. 

That feeling of 'there is no point in living'  is crushing right now. But it won't always feel that way.  Take one day at a time, even one hour at a time. Keep breathing. Try to get some sleep, eat occasionally.  If you can find a grief counselor, they can be helpful.  Friends or family that have not suffered a similar loss, though often well intentioned, are not that helpful, as they have no comprehension of the pain you are in.

I am so sorry you have joined us here on this grief journey that none of us want to be on. You will find people here that understand your pain, as our world has also been shattered by the death of our true love. 

Come back and vent, question, rant or just read.  Somehow it is helpful just to know you are not alone, that you are not losing you mind.  That what you are experiencing is profound, earth shattering grief. You can survive it, it takes time. 

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

20 hours ago, John Richard said:

My name is John Bloom I was lucky enough to find my true love

Hi John, I am so sorry you lost your Amy.  I lost my George 15 years ago, he was my soulmate and I too feel I was so lucky to have had him in my life although we didn't get nearly as long as we would have liked.  I am glad you found this place, it was a place such as this that truly saved me because I too did not know where to start or how to handle the rest of my life without him here.  I am glad you have your dogs, that has been a great consolation to me also.

I wrote this article of things I've learned on my journey that I have found helpful and I truly hope something will be of help to you today and something else on down the road as this is an ever evolving journey.  We want to be here for you!

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Trillandjoy]

My deepest sympathies I’m feeling the same thing right now. My wife of 30 years  died a month ago. Everyone always looked at our relationship as a model. It wasn’t perfect but real close. She’s not replaceable. She was in good health, 47 years old, worked out daily. We did everything together. It’s devastating. I don’t know what I’m gonna end up like. I’m trying best I can but it’s a nightmare. I know man it’s worst thing ever in my life to happen.What I do is I think about what my wife would want me to do. I know she would want me to stay healthy and do well. That’s the thing I think about. It’s keeping me going, kinda. I don’t know what to say cause nothing anybody says to me does any good. Just letting u know ur not alone.