My boyfriend passed away and I feel like I'm going crazy

[JosesGirl87]

My boyfriend passed away 3 weeks ago and my life feels like it has stopped completely. I don't want to do anything anymore. It was a sudden death. The day he passed away I talked to him about 3x and we did get a chance to say we loved each other. I'm still in denial. I feel like he's gonna pop up and say ok baby it was all a joke I'm still here. But I know that will never happen. We were inseparable. It was a new love and new relationship for us. He was the guy I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, have kids with etc. and he made me feel like he wanted to do the same with me. The night before he passed away he told me he wanted to marry me and we would soon start talking about having more kids. (I have one child already and he didn't have any but accepted my son as though he was his). I just don't understand why this has to happen. We were happy, in love and now I feel like all of that has been taken away from me. I believe in God and I just don't understand why he wouldn't want me to be happy, why would this happen to us. I think about him everyday, and I love him so much. I'm 26 years old and he was 29. 

[KayC]

Feeling like going crazy is a pretty apt description of the grief fog following our partner's death.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband's death was sudden too.  It takes a while for it to sink in before we realize when the phone rings it's not going to be them.  

There is no explanation to the "why", honestly I haven't found any rhyme or reason to death.  I don't think people have a clue that ascribe it to "God's will".  What, God doesn't want me to be happy?  That doesn't sound like the God I know.  I think life (or death) just happens, it's the only way I've been able to justify it in my mind.

It doesn't seem right that when someone is just on the verge of their life working out the way they want that this would happen...it feels unfair because it IS unfair!

It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will get through this.  It won't be quick or easy, it's a long process, and you won't ever feel the same as you did before it happened, but you will learn to live, god it's such a process!  I'm just sorry that one more person has joined our ranks.  It's been 11 years for me and I've learned to do my life alone...it wasn't my preference, we were supposed to grow old together.  I talk to him, I hope that doesn't scare you, I'm really not crazy, I just miss him so much.

We learn to adjust but we never stop loving them...love is forever, it's just this life that doesn't seem to be.  I do believe we'll be together again, I know everyone doesn't believe the same but gosh if I'm wrong, no one tell me!

It's really important to take good care of yourself right now, and I hope you have good support in your life.

[JosesGirl87]

Thank you KayC for your reply. I'm sorry for your loss as well. I guess I ask the question about God not wanting me to be happy because over a year ago I had been in almost a 3 year relationship with my sons father who was very abusive. So I guess I feel like wow that horrible relationship Tht seemed to do nothing but get out of control more and more lasted almost 3 years, but a relationship that was good, loving and made me happy and I knew without a doubt my boyfriend loved me just as much as I loved him was ripped away from me in such a short time, in a way that can not be put back together. No I don't think your crazy because I still talk to my boyfriend all the time too, and I talk about him with my mom and his mom all the time. It just hurts a lot because he was so different, he wanted to show me the world and I was willing to let him do just that. So many plans we made. It just brings me to tears because I still can't believe he's gone. I feel like no one truly understand unless they have gone through this pain before.  

[KayC]

1 hour ago, JosesGirl87 said:

I feel like no one truly understand unless they have gone through this pain before.  

You've got that right!

[BigKev]

Time is completely screwed up, it passes but I don't notice. I'm 2 months in and it still seems like it started yesterday. It also feels like it started a year ago. I talk to my wife, I ask her questions. Somehow I seem to get answers. I also talk to myself and that kinda worries me at times. Nothing bad, just seems weird. I never really used to do that. 

87, you're not alone in this. Reach out when you feel the need, people are here for you...............

[JosesGirl87]

BigKev I'm sorry for your lost. Yea I agree with you, time is going by and I don't notice it either. Like right now I'm feeling really sad and down and I'm about to breakdown. All I keep hearing his when I called his mom that day and she told me she found him on the floor dead. Her voice just plays over and over in my head and its like I'm finding out all over again. I just can't believe he's really gone. This can't be my life right now!! I listen to the many voicemails he left on my phone, and read through our messages and I'm like OMG my boyfriend is GONE FOREVER!! Why God, I just don't understand. I don't even know how I could possible go on with life right now. 

[KayC]

JosesGirl87,

Try not to think about "going on with life"...just get through today, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.  I think we all replay "that moment" in our heads, it takes a while for us to get it out, and even then it comes to us unbidden at times.  

I remember asking "why" until I realized there was no resounding answer forthcoming and it did me no good to ask.  Then it turned into what do I do now.  That was the million dollar question.  It took a lot of figuring out and took me a great deal of time.  Again, no real definite answer, more like I figured it out little by little just by living each day.

 I lost my job after George died, so the next few months I had to devote time to finding a new one so I wouldn't be homeless on top of everything.  Once I got one, I had 100 mile/day commute, and so then it was just about getting through my day, driving, working, driving, fixing dinner, etc.  By the time I was done with what I had to do it was time to go to bed and get up and start all over again.  Weekends were hard to get through, that had been George and my time together, now I was alone.  But day after day turned into year after year.  I lost my job a couple more times during the recession.  While out of work I had a couple of falls, breaking my right elbow, my nose, my front tooth off.  You never feel so alone as when you have a broken right elbow, a stick shift car, and you have a job interview to drive to. The last time I lost my job I decided to retire even though I knew it would be more than tight financially.  That week I discovered I needed a new roof, then a new 40' ramp, later a 35' patio roof, now a heating system.  Why all that chose to wait until I "retired" I don't know.  Somehow I'm still here and can't believe all this time has gone by.  I miss George each and every day.  If they knew how much he was in my mind and how much I talk to him they'd haul me away.  This is my life.  You are young, you have a long time before you have to deal with retirement...we were supposed to do this together.  I hope you have friends to spend time with, that helps.  My best friends have moved away so I no longer have them.  It gets lonely.  I volunteer, get out, it helps.

[Smec769]

I can so relate to your post. My boyfriend died suddenly 3 1/2 months ago. He was my soulmate. We had only been dating 4 1/2 months but knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We are older (47). We were making plans for the future and then suddenly he was gone. I can only say that it does get easier. I still cry every day but not as much as in the beginning. And I just take it day by day. I have read a lot which helps too. Spiritual books. He was an extremely spiritual man and was introducing me to so many new ideas. Friends and family help so much too. 

[Millie681]

 

JosesGirl87,

First I am so sorry for your loss. I also listen to voicemails & look at pictures & I really can't believe he isn't here anymore. It has been 6 months fo rme & sometimes it feels like its been 6 years. I don't know how any of us go on with life but I can only tell you to take it minute by minute hour by hour day by day. That is the way I have been "living".  Just know that if you need to talk please feel free to reach out.

[Eaday8616]

JosesGirl87,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to go on without your soulmate. My fiancé was killed in a car accident 5 weeks ago. He was killed 7 days before our wedding. We had so many plans for our life, our home, kids, our whole future was planned out. I too don't understand why this had to happen to me. I get so angry with God. Shane was such a good man and we were so good for each other. He's my whole heart and soul.

I feel like being angry and questioning things is completely normal. God made us and our emotions and He can handle it.

I don't think we will ever get over it, or just move on with life. We have to create a new normal, because our men were our lives. We have to learn how to live our lives again, and keep going. One day at a time. Like you, I talked to Shane all the time. All day everyday. Completely inseparable. I feel like I relate to you so much. I will be praying for you to have peace and in your journey to your new normal.

 

Love and hugs,

Liz

[JosesGirl87]

Thank you all for your responses. 

KayC I'm sorry all of that came on you like that after you retired. I know if it wasn't for my son I know I would probably have lost my job as well because it is so hard for my feet to hit the floor in the mornings. I just want to sleep the rest of my life away but I know I can't do that because my son needs me. But it's very hard to keep going. 

Smec769 I am sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to that, Jose was so full of ideas and wanted to show me the world. We weren't together for very long either but it felt like it and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and I knew he felt the same. What are some good spiritual books you have read? I just ordered Love knows no death yesterday.

 

Millie681 I'm sorry for your loss. Yea last night I couldn't sleep at all. I looked at pictures and listened to his voicemails again (it was definitely one of those nights) and I cried the whole way to work this morning. I don't understand how people go on either. It's like how can I when the love of my life is gone, gone forever. I beat myself up a lot because I say if only I was there that day he passed away maybe I could have helped him, called 911, anything. My b day is next week and we had plans to go to the beach but instead I will be in bed thinking of him and why all of this had to happen. 

 

Eaday8618 I am very sorry for your loss. I know that must have been hard to deal with. How do you go on from that?? How do any of us go on? Yes, our men were our lives. I totally agree with you. Yea your right but I don't want a new normal I want my old life back where I was happy and Jose was here with me, I could pick up the phone and hear his voice, hug him, and just be with him. It's just so hard to think now I have to be here without him. When it all happened I just wanted to die, just so I could be with him, I didn't want to be here on earth anymore but I knew that I my son needed me and what would he do without me. But somedays I still feel like that though. Thank you so much for your prayers. 

 

I will be praying for all of you. This is such a struggle, and talking about it helps me somewhat. I think I have talked my family and friends ears off about Jose. Somedays I can laugh about the memories we had and other days I don't want to say a word because the tears rolling down my face are saying enough. My mood changes just like the weather now. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm still in denial. So if anyone wants to talk more I would love to hear more about your stories and what you are going through. Please message me. I feel the only people who understand this are the people who have been through this. So I'm here if anyone wants to talk. Thank you all for replying to my post

[Smec769]

JosesGirl87, Those are all completely normal emotions to go through. I am going through the exact same thing every day. Despite my age this is the first time I have lost someone so close to me. It's been rough. Some of the books I read while Chris (my boyfriend) was still alive and some be and recommended to me but I didn't read until after he died. Two awesome books I read while he was still alive are The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. Just great books for learning how to live consciously. After he died I read The Afterlife of Billy Fingers by Annie Kagan. About a woman's brother who speaks to her after he dies. Then The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckert Tolle. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Currently I'm reading Power Vs. Force by David Hawkins. My next book I downloaded onto kindle is Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorkjani. It's about a near death experience. I'm a big reader so all of these have been so helpful to me in the healing process. To help me accept what has happened and learn to somehow move on. I'm not there yet but I'm moving towards it. I hope these suggestions are helpful. 

[Millie681]

JosesGirl87,

All the emotions you are feeling are normal.  That's the most important thing you need to realize. I didn't know that until coming to this forum.  I felt like I was going crazy. The book I read & I still go back to is I wasn't ready to say goodbye by Brook Noel & Pamela D Blair.  It really helped me & I still go back to it & re read it when I need to. 

 

[JosesGirl87]

Smec769 this is my first time losing anyone that close to me too. So I get where your coming from. I look at life completely different now. I'm going to check out some of those books. I actually saw some YouTube videos last night of Anita Moorkjani last night. Talking about her near death experience, very interesting. Let me know what you think of the book your reading now after your done. 

 

Millie681 yea that's just how I'm feeling. Like I'm going crazy. I will check out that book as well. 

[KayC]

Smec769,

I'm sorry for your loss too.  I wish I could say something to comfort all of you, if only there were some cure for this pain, but alas I know of nothing but time and grief work (counseling, books, videos, reading, posting, journaling, art therapy...it's taken all of the above to get me to where I am).