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Destroyed

Don't know how to move on. The guilt is sometimes paralyzingly

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Destroyed

   My ex girlfriend had substance abuse issues and anger issues.  I have kids so I had to make her move out of my house.  She refused to try and make things better between us or get help.  I felt like I had no choice.  I offered to pay for her an apartment, but she chose to be kept up by a married man instead.   Months later she killed herself.  It's been 2 months since I found out.  I can't stop blaming myself.  If I hadn't made her leave,  if I'd had an intervention, Etc.  I called her either days or weeks before she did this ( no one knows for sure when because she had burned bridges with so many people that no one checked on her anymore) and she was drunk and very verbally abusive to me.  I was nice to her , but she kept blaming me for kicking her out of my home.   Her last words to me were I hate you.  I never spoke to her ever again. I don't know what to do.  Some days I can't function for all the guilt.   I have 2 kids that I have to raise alone so I have to press on, but I know they are affected by this and how I've changed.   It's almost like her last act was a giant FU to me.    I always treated her respectfully, always forgave her, always loved her.  She was abusive, angry, vindictive, Etc.   I knew her actions were due to her pain so I always dealt with it, but it was becoming an unhealthy environment for my kids.  All my friends and even my therapists said she was cruel to me and had to go for my own sanity.   Now I feel responsible.  Like I didn't do my job and take care of her.  I don't think I'll ever get past this.    Some days I'm mad at her for doing this.  Other days I'm mad at myself.   I don't know what to do.   Thanks for response.  Brian   

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ModKonnie

Brian,

I am sorry for the loss of your ex-girlfriend, but you truly made the right decision in making her leave. I know you feel guilty, but you shouldn't; the problem was hers to deal with. Please consider getting help for the abuse you suffered through and the trauma you may be experiencing from all of this. Being mad at her and then being mad at yourself is so normal. You were not responsible. You had two children to consider, and you did the right thing. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Utah Ang

I'm so sorry, I know what you're feeling and going through.  You're not alone!!!  I struggle with those same emotions with my sisters suicide.  

Life will always be different, how can it ever go back.  I don't think any of us could have kept going on the way things were going either, and that's why we draw a line in the sand.  We didn't do it for them to end their life, but in the most sincer hopes things would change for the better.  

I try everyday to forgive myself for not being able to change it for her, forgive her, and wrap my brain around this new way of living without her in it.  Love and forgiveness is your key to making it through each day. 

Remeber to be kind to yourself, that is how you will get through this. 

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Untiltomorrow

Brian 

I've been in her shoes. I've acted out like that in anger and lashed out at loved ones.  (Painful to me to say) So much so that I wanted to take my own life in the past. So, I feel I can relate to her and give a few word. In fact, save it and re read it on occasion. 

In my personal opinion, it sounds like you offered her everything she could of asked for. Had you let her continue as she was, you would of been enabling her and endangering your children's stability. 

The road she sounds like she was on, was so far out, so deep and dark... (I'm so lucky I didn't fall into substance addiction too) It's so easy to keep following them until you have ruined yourself and your relationship. you have to let go. Sounds like she then left you to keep going deeper. That must of been painful to watch. 

She was suffering the kind of agony that only she could decide what to do with it. It sounds like her pain was unbearable. the addictions, the rage, the blaming, the married man.. the suicide .. all self coping with that inner termoil. 

Grief and emotions mess with your head to distort things. You'd be a psychopath if you didn't feel  confliction and grief about it. 

Please consider Counseling  as you were dragged in so deep you may want some sort of help to get out. 

 

Ps.. This might sound nuts but,,,, 

were there good times that you remember? You could perhaps do a good deed in her name? Plant a tree, donate to an animal or food shelter in her name. Something that honors a good part about her? Sometimes that helps with closure. Please consider finding a counselor (or even a book, I read a lot) that you like either way. 

 

 

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Guest

Read my responses to Becky whose husband killed himself after a fight as well as to JoeT who lost his wife. I feel the same as you. I am responsible I made him leave as well. It haunts me . I'm sorry, thinking of you and sending you warm energy. One day at a time is enough to make it through. 

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Guest

Ps for now just focus on waking up showering and brushing your teeth. Right now that's all I can accomplish and that's ok. I am still here. So I've done something that has to be enough to keep going. 

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