My girlfriend died from an overdose

[MrSifter]

Hi, im new to this just found the site today and felt moved by others stories I feel it may help me to tell my story...my girlfriend died 2months ago and Im really finding everyday a struggle...I knew she had a problemthe third time i met her after finding her methadone prescriptions...I was devastated as im not a user....I could have walked away but I cared about her already and I wanted to help her get clean...she wanted that so much...anyway cut the story short I got her out of london to live with me in cambridge in four months she got clean and off the methadone...I was ready to propose as I always said I would when she got clean..but she said she wanted to go to see her friends and I said I trusted her as she had done so well...I left for work in the morning and she went back to london and obviously decided one more time would be ok but she used again and died...it was the one thing I did my best to stop happening but I wanted her to know I trusted her and this happened...its been nearly 2 months now and her loss is still hurting everyday I cry because nothing seems real or right anymore...I miss her so much im desperate to hear from anyone who has experienced this...I feel the guilt and the shame but could I have done anything more...we were together 2years and talked of the future and a family but it sadly will never happen now... I dont want anyone to think badly of her she was the kindest cutest person I ever met but she had an illness an addiction that was too strong...ive lost her now and my world is upside down im lost and lonely and would do anything to have one more minute with her I loved her so much and the pain of missing her isnt going away...she will forever be in my heart and thoughts...if you have taken the time to read my story please feel free to contact me...as much as I'm looking for help I might be able to help others in my position...I know how i feel and if i can help anybody else I will be happyto talk with you...thankyou for getting this far...big love to everybody btw she was italian so ill say Ciao! For now... 

[velvettuberose]

41 minutes ago, MrSifter said:

Hi, im new to this just found the site today and felt moved by others stories I feel it may help me to tell my story...my girlfriend died 2months ago and Im really finding everyday a struggle...I knew she had a problemthe third time i met her after finding her methadone prescriptions...I was devastated as im not a user....I could have walked away but I cared about her already and I wanted to help her get clean...she wanted that so much...anyway cut the story short I got her out of london to live with me in cambridge in four months she got clean and off the methadone...I was ready to propose as I always said I would when she got clean..but she said she wanted to go to see her friends and I said I trusted her as she had done so well...I left for work in the morning and she went back to london and obviously decided one more time would be ok but she used again and died...it was the one thing I did my best to stop happening but I wanted her to know I trusted her and this happened...its been nearly 2 months now and her loss is still hurting everyday I cry because nothing seems real or right anymore...I miss her so much im desperate to hear from anyone who has experienced this...I feel the guilt and the shame but could I have done anything more...we were together 2years and talked of the future and a family but it sadly will never happen now... I dont want anyone to think badly of her she was the kindest cutest person I ever met but she had an illness an addiction that was too strong...ive lost her now and my world is upside down im lost and lonely and would do anything to have one more minute with her I loved her so much and the pain of missing her isnt going away...she will forever be in my heart and thoughts...if you have taken the time to read my story please feel free to contact me...as much as I'm looking for help I might be able to help others in my position...I know how i feel and if i can help anybody else I will be happyto talk with you...thankyou for getting this far...big love to everybody btw she was italian so ill say Ciao! For now... 

If I say " I am sorry for your loss", that may sound as a cliche. Instead, I will say I wish you didn't have to experience the pain of losing your loved one. It is hard.

First of all, know that you did everything possible to help her. In the end, it was her decision. All of us make mistakes, some with more severe consequences. She is still the kindest and cutest woman you've met and you guys loved each other. Nobody will take that away from you. Cherish her memory and the love that she gave you.

In the meantime, have you tried to see a counselor?  Or a grief group therapy?

Dealing with the pain of losing your loved one is the most challenging and draining experience one will ever go through, but you won't be able to do it alone. It involves help from people who have or are experiencing this kind of trauma.

Whatever you feel, write it here and comfort will come your away.

I hope it helps.

Velvet

[Karin]

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I feel the same way you do, nothing seems right without him. I miss him so much. He died suddenly in our home probably from an epileptic seizure. Because of the way I found him, I believe he suffocated after having a seizure. And I feel guilty for not being there to save him. He was the love of my life, we also planned on starting a family and getting married in the near future, which will never happen now. 

[velvettuberose]

1 minute ago, Karin said:

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend 3 weeks and 2 days ago. I feel the same way you do, nothing seems right without him. I miss him so much. He died suddenly in our home probably from an epileptic seizure. Because of the way I found him, I believe he suffocated after having a seizure. And I feel guilty for not being there to save him. He was the love of my life, we also planned on starting a family and getting married in the near future, which will never happen now. 

Hello, Karin,

I am sorry you have to feel this pain. Reach out to us whenever you need.

[MrSifter]

Hello Karin...im sorry for your loss...it hurts so much and its very hard to live a normal life for me still everyday is a struggle...I tried talking to many people but so many find it difficult in case they say something that upsets you more but how can anyone possibly upset you more than we are already....its just how some people Deal with it...I decided to try here to get help or help others who have been there or going thru the pain and feel as helpless as I do...we dont know each other and yet we feel the same pain of loss and we are not alone...I want to scream.and shout but it wont help...I dont want to accept whats happened but we have to...im finding reading and interacting here very helpful and ive only been here just more than an hour...I think when we are vulnerable we look to find something what that is is different for everybody...I just need to tell my story and listen to others and I think it wont help my pain but it might help change the way we think of our loss and how we can find ways to get thru the days ahead...I feel robbed of the future we never had im sure you feelthis way too...but the future doesnt exist yet we live in the here and now and its damn difficult but we will get there...one day I hope to be able to think of her without crying because I know sje wouldnt want that but I know she didnt want to leave this world yet and this is one of the hardest feeling to try to understand...feel free to reply I hope we can help each other and others...sometimes we all just need someone to tell us everything is gonna be ok even tho we know its not...the world isnt all bad despite the terrible events that happen daily there are some good people that will always be prepared to listen and try to understand even if they cannot help...peace and love..

[Karin]

I understand what you mean, I feel exactly the same. I feel like my dreams, hopes and plans for the future were taken from me. Not only did I lose the most important person in my life, I lost our future, our dreams, our plans, my sense of being safe, I feel like I lost everything.  In a sense reading about other people going through the same thing I don't feel so alone. My heart screams, and my mind is going through every single moment with my love, all the good and bad. I constantly get reminded of him, he is everywhere yet nowhere. Like you I know he wants me to be happy, he always said if you are happy I'm happy. The thing is I'm not happy I'm in pain, I'm so lost without him. He was the light in my life, he was everything. 

I'm sorry for rambling, I know I might not make much sense I just feel like I don't know anything anymore. Everything I knew and wanted is gone. And I'm scared. I hope we can help each other too.

[MrSifter]

Hi its absolutely fine....im struggling every day....I fight the obvious to stop the pain alcohol etc....but thereis always light....it might not be the light u want or needbut there is always a light

[MrSifter]

I know what u mean by the constant reminders too

[Karin]

I wish I could see the light. I wish I knew for sure he is ok. I feel guilt about not being able to stay in our apartment, or that I didn't go see him in the morgue. All I see when I'm in our home is him dead on the floor. I can't bear to be there. And I was too scared to go and see him, I wanted to see him to hold him but not the shell of him I wanted my Stefan my boyfriend. So I didn't go and see his body, I saw it when I found him but not after that. 

I'm scared about the funeral, which is on Friday. I know he will be in the coffin right there and I don't know how I will survive it.... 

[KayC]

MrSifter,

I am so sorry you lost your girlfriend.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, you tried everything to help her, but we can know that with our brains and still feel guilt.  It's common to feel guilt after loss, wishing we coulda/woulda done something different, but hindsight is always clearer.  The truth is we all proceeded with the knowledge given us at the time and couldn't stop the heart attack/car accident/drug overdose (fill in the blank).

Crying is the norm for two months out.  Let yourself cry.  Just take care of yourself, eat healthy, drink water, walk or work out, it'll give your brain it's best possible chance of getting through this optimally, and believe me, we need all the help we can get!  It also helps to see a grief counselor, who is trained to help us know where to start in making our way through this maze of grief. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Karin said:

I feel like my dreams, hopes and plans for the future were taken from me. Not only did I lose the most important person in my life, I lost our future, our dreams, our plans, my sense of being safe, I feel like I lost everything.

You feel that way because it IS that way...everything you planned, hoped died with him.  It's the hardest thing in the world to create a "new normal" for ourselves out of the ashes of our existence, especially when we least feel like it or could care less about anything anymore.  But we have to keep going, we have no choice.  I only know if I can do it, so can you, it took me longer than I care to admit, but I'm finally okay.  Yes I miss him, each and every day of my life, I still talk to him, even after all these years, and not one iota of our love has diminished, not even with the passage of time, but I'm finally okay just me...I look forward to being with him again someday and truly believe with all my heart we will be.

[claribassist13]

3 hours ago, Karin said:

 I feel guilt about not being able to stay in our apartment, or that I didn't go see him in the morgue. All I see when I'm in our home is him dead on the floor. I can't bear to be there. And I was too scared to go and see him, I wanted to see him to hold him but not the shell of him I wanted my Stefan my boyfriend. So I didn't go and see his body, I saw it when I found him but not after that. 

I'm scared about the funeral, which is on Friday. I know he will be in the coffin right there and I don't know how I will survive it.... 

Karin, 

Don't feel bad about not going to see him in the morgue. Seeing your loved one in that sort of state is a real slap of reality. It's difficult to process the fact that they are gone, especially when they are lying right there in front of you. 
When I went to see my fiance (we could only view his left arm from the elbow down) it took me a half hour to even muster up the courage to hold his hand. The body lying there was his, but that was not him. It's hard to see/view/touch a body that is no longer the person you loved. Some people can't do it, and that's okay. Our loved ones wouldn't want us to see them like that anyway. 

At the funeral, just be you. Don't feel like you have to be strong. Cry if you want to.
More than likely, the day will pass by in a big blur. 

[claribassist13]

9 hours ago, MrSifter said:

I dont want anyone to think badly of her she was the kindest cutest person I ever met but she had an illness an addiction that was too strong...

Please be sure to read this sentence over and over again. "
You are probably going to feel guilty for a while as you process all of this, but every time you feel guilty about her death, I want you to read that sentence over again. As you stated, addiction is an awful disease that (sadly) takes many lives. It's easy to slip off. You were really amazing for her. You helped support her as she got clean, and in the end it was her decision to use again. Like you said, a disease.  

[KayC]

 

1 hour ago, claribassist13 said:

The body lying there was his, but that was not him.

That was what I got from viewing my husband's body too, it was a discarded body that no longer housed him.

[velvettuberose]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

 

That was what I got from viewing my husband's body too, it was a discarded body that no longer housed him.

Actually, my husband's body was still familiar to me right after he died. His face was so peaceful. After the arrangements were done he did not look like himself anymore.When I saw him at the funeral home, I said to myself, "Look what death did to my handsome husband!" 

I sobbed that entire day knowing that I will never see his beautiful smile. NEVER!!!

[KayC]

Or eyes...

[MrSifter]

Good morning to you all,

A new day is here and I feel pretty awful thos morning I dont want to anything or see anyone...I dont know what work will say as I only been back a week and I feel like this again...I saw Cecilia in the funeral home in the coffin and it was the saddest moment for me...I had three hours to say my goodbyes which i must have said a thousand times I kissed her and stroked her hair many times I needed to say goodbye but it was heart wrenching and with her parents there I was trying to be strong , I did ok but I was struggling emotionally and im sure they could tell...luckily im very close to them despite the anglo italian language barrier...her mum understands my pain as she understood our love together...despite seeing her laying there cold and motionless I personally am pleased I saw her finally at peace it was so so sad and I didnt want to leave...it wasnt her laying there her soul was gone to a better place...Im not religious but I hope shes looking down on me if angels do exist she is one for sure...I miss her so much I wish I could hold her see her smile and her eyes again...she was my world....

[velvettuberose]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Or eyes...

Yes, Kay...his eyes too

[Karin]

12 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Karin, 

Don't feel bad about not going to see him in the morgue.

Thank you. Somehow it feels better when I hear that it's ok from someone else. I still feel guilty but it helps, so thank you. 

[velvettuberose]

6 hours ago, MrSifter said:

Good morning to you all,

A new day is here and I feel pretty awful thos morning I dont want to anything or see anyone...I dont know what work will say as I only been back a week and I feel like this again...I saw Cecilia in the funeral home in the coffin and it was the saddest moment for me...I had three hours to say my goodbyes which i must have said a thousand times I kissed her and stroked her hair many times I needed to say goodbye but it was heart wrenching and with her parents there I was trying to be strong , I did ok but I was struggling emotionally and im sure they could tell...luckily im very close to them despite the anglo italian language barrier...her mum understands my pain as she understood our love together...despite seeing her laying there cold and motionless I personally am pleased I saw her finally at peace it was so so sad and I didnt want to leave...it wasnt her laying there her soul was gone to a better place...Im not religious but I hope shes looking down on me if angels do exist she is one for sure...I miss her so much I wish I could hold her see her smile and her eyes again...she was my world....

Hi, MrSifter,

I can relate to not wanting to see anyone or do anything. Even after 7 months since my husband died, I feel the same way. It was worse in the weeks following his demise, but it has gotten better somehow. Crying helps tremendously. Don't feel ashamed to cry. This pain is nothing like what you have experienced before, so don't fight it. I think that a grief counselor may be helpful, but that is your decision to make. I badly needed one as I was so angry at the circumstances my husband died. He had a massive heart attack and I was with him when it happened. What I am referring to is how his family treated him for the last 6 months of his life, especially his mother. I did not have enough words to express my anger towards her at that time. It did not go away;it is still there, but less intense. Going to counseling helped me a great deal. I am from Romania and don't have my family here with me. Walter was my family.

As far as funerals...I always find it morbid how curious some people are to see someone laying there, a body that does not in any way resemble our loved ones. I regret now having a public viewing for my husband. He was in the army, so his brothers and sisters in arms wanted to pay a final tribute. That is why I agreed to the viewing. I think that this is something very personal; only the very close people to the deceased should be there to view the body, but I did not know any better at that time. I was in a deep shock.

Take care of yourself, cry if you feel like it, vent to us, do whatever helps you. Your loss is very new. It is very normal to miss her. You guys loved each other. Most of all, don't blame yourself.You did a lot to help her. Easy said than done...I know. I was down that path. Sudden losses are hard to deal with because there is no closure.

Reach out to us whenever you feel like it. We are here because we need the support of others who UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF LOSING THE PERSON THAT WE LOVED THE MOST. 

[lauren1029]

My prayers go out to you. With substance abuse, a person has to really fight with themselves to remain clean. Regardless of what you could have done , it is very hard to understand how methadone can control your everyday living. It appears that your friend was recovering well until she decided to go around the friend that she had when she was using. It is a funny thing but those old friends will not try and get in touch with you when you are in treatment, most of the time the one that is in treatment  will go looking for them. She would have to stay away from that life. It is nothing you could have done. It is just very hard to get off methadone. Some clients stated that they could shake heroin in about a week but methadone holds you tighter. Your body pays you back when you are a substance abuser. You might say that you are finished with methadone and other illicit drugs but your body will say " O no you are not, you, are going to give me more methadone, otherwise I will give you more pain and make you so uncomfortable, you will do anything to calm me down."

Fighting withdrawal from methadone, it is an uphill battle. When your friend went to see her friends, I hate to say but I do believe she was on a mission, That first time she relapsed, It was easy for her to become addicted all over again. So try and get yourself together.It is going to hard because it is not a quick fix. I have worked in substance abuse for approximately 30 years. So many of them have tried over and over again , they will handle it for a while but so many of them have returned to the clinic and steady using their rubber leg kicking their own butt. I would tell them " who told you that you had to get it right the first time" you have many times to get it right. When at first you don't succeed, try and try until you get it right.Your friend is at peace now.She is drug free. Try and make peace with yourself.With God's help you will learn to have peace within. She will always be with you in your heart.

[Canela]

It's been a treacherous 4 months. I loss my fiancé to an accidental overdose. We were both professionals planing a life together. Madly in love! That soulmate that you doubted could found. Now all I have is a box full of his love letters, his clothes I sleep in, a few voice messages and many selfies of us...I know such pain... Our future that will never be.

 

 

[Emeliza]

I am sorry Canela.  

The pain of lossing your love is awful.  I go thru the pictures on my phone all the time remembering my loving husband.

I hope you can find some comfort on this board with knowing others that understand your pain as we are facing it as well.

[KayC]

Canela,

I am so sorry, it's just so hard to absorb.  The grief is tremendous, the pain unrelenting.  I want to assure you that it will not always have this intensity, it takes time to process our grief, it doesn't happen overnight, but little by little we adjust to this different life than we planned and learn to incorporate good things into it to make it more palatable.  I'm 11 1/2 years out, it's been a long journey but while I could not fathom being able to live through this in the beginning, I have.  The most important things I've learned are to be kind and understanding of myself, patient we myself, give myself self care, take one day (or moment) at a time, breathe, not look at "the rest of my life" which could seem overwhelming and invite anxiety.  I believe we'll be reunited and that physical death does not mean the absolute end, but a transition.  I know it's not the same, we all wanted our lives to continue as it was, we finally met and enjoyed our soul mate and then it came to a screeching halt.  Death may end the physical but our love continues and no one and nothing can destroy that.  In the beginning thoughts of him brought immense pain but somewhere along the way it changed to bring me comfort and encouragement.  Our grief ever evolves, I've learned to coexist with my grief.

[KMB]

Canela, This journey of grieving just sucks, doesn't it. The pain and sadness of our losses is all consuming. I am so sorry for your loss of your fiance and the loss of your future. When our lives are going well, we roll with it and are happy. Then wham, something tragic happens. What do we do now? You found your soul mate, fell in love and were planning a future and now him and your plans are gone. I am so sorry you are going through this.

You found your way to this forum and that is a good step. We are all here for you. KayC has endured this journey the longest. She has a lot of supporting words for you in her above post so I won't repeat. When I joined the forum, it was through reading her posts that have kept me going. Other members have kept me going also. The sharing and caring that is expressed by everyone speaks out to me that I am not alone. We think we are alone because our pain and struggles are internalized and singular but I always stop and think that there are so many people out there that are dealing with agony of loss every day. It has been helping me greatly to be on this forum, reaching out and giving comfort to others the best I can.

My prayers and hugs to you.

[Canela]

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm trying really hard to live one day at a time.  Some days the "What if's" get the best of me.

[Francine]

MrSifter

I feel your pain and know your sorrow.  Today, I'm two months in this journey and the pain is still unbearable.  

On 8/7/2016 at 6:25 AM, MrSifter said:

I dont want anyone to think badly of her she was the kindest cutest person I ever met but she had an illness an addiction that was too strong.

Addiction is a sickness (like smoking, drinking, eating) and one that is very difficult to overcome.  I don't think badly of her, on the contrary,  I admire her for trying and getting to where she was. It takes a committed person to do that, but sometimes while the mind is willing,  the body is weak.  Find comfort in knowing that the body is only a vessel that houses that what we actually are - spirit.  Her spirit is fine, free from all addiction, pain, and suffering.  

I get it - It's so damn hard to accept this reality and you may feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders; but know that God has her spirit with him and there's no better place to be.  HE is also here to comfort us all through this horrendous ordeal, for in Revelation 21:4, it states, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

I hope you find peace knowing that your love one's spirit lives on.  That's who we actually are - spiritual beings in an earthly body.  My prayer is that God gives you his Love, Strength and Peace in this difficult time .  He will, you need only open your heart and He'll do the rest.  God Bless and keep you safe.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Canela said:

Some days the "What if's" get the best of me.

I hope you are reading through the other threads, we've talked about the guilt and what ifs, it might be of help to you.

[fzald]

It is even harder to lose someone when you know how profound an impact - positively - that you had on their life.

My girl told me a while back, and it was very difficult for her, that she had been suicidal before we met. She didn't see any positivity in her future. She had a lot of family issues and was bullied. She told me the main reason she didn't attempt was fear of the suicide itself. 

Then we met. At first she told me she had been putting on a happy face. But after we had spent some time together, even before dating, her spirits lifted a little. I wasn't doing anything specific other than being myself, but I brought some hope to her life. 

As it would happen, her entire outlook on life changed. She started to see positivity in the world, even not specifically because of me. But she always told me that me being there for her in her darkest times, even though I didn't know it, was a large part of what saved her. 

Before she passed, you could tell she loved life again. She was always happy. She would get angry when family drama happened. But she would come to me to vent, I'd give her advice if she needed, and she'd be fine again. She had her weak moments, and I was always there for her when they happened. 

So for me, there is also the grief that I helped her spring back from the worst of her days, only to have the future happy days taken from her....

 

[KMB]

fzald, You were there for her when she needed someone to turn her away from suicide. You had a positive influence on her. She is always going to be grateful to you. She is always going to love you .By being in her life, you brought her love and happiness and a much better outlook on life. You enhanced her days and you have to feel good about that.

[KayC]

fzald,

You were everything to her, and that's how it was for George and me too.  We each had been living in our own hell, void of love or happiness, and when we met, that all changed...for both of us.  I have a card above my computer hutch that George wrote,

"Little One, You are the one who made it all come true for me.  You're the best!  ♥ TAT (thru all time) George  "

I treasure that little card...it is how I felt about him too.  

Knowing we had such impact on each other's lives carries with us the rest of our lives.  We are significant to each other and even death cannot remove our love!

 

[Cf315]

MrSifter and Canela,

I also lost my boyfriend to an overdose this past summer and feel both of your pains. The guilt, the what ifs, the cloud of sadness. This Sunday will be 6 months to the day and the grief still comes in waves. Some days I'm "ok", others I cry on and off throughout the day. I visit his grave often but the shock hasn't completely worn away, and probably never will.

As others here have said, take care of and be kind to yourselves. Let yourselves feel the emotions, whatever they may be. Grief changes but I don't think it ever fully goes away. As KayC said, I think we just learn to coexist with it. I have found that talking about it helps me a lot. There are a lot of resources that are dedicated to the loss of someone to overdose, and I've found them to be helpful. This disease has a stigma surrounding it that I think sometimes makes people uncomfortable when talking about it and I think that dedicated support groups and forums like these are safe places to get it all out. 

I'm so sorry for your losses. I personally don't like it very much when people tell me that time cures all, but just know that little by little, day by day, the memories help you smile rather than break your heart. Cherishing those memories is what keeps your loved ones with you. Also, not sure how spiritual anyone is here, but I talk to him often and it helps me feel that the connection is still there.

Sending hugs your way, and to everyone else dealing with this kind of loss.

[KayC]

Cf315,

I'm sorry for your loss as well, I hope you'll continue to come here, it has helped many of us just to know we're heard and understood and not going through this totally alone as we sometimes feel.

59 minutes ago, Cf315 said:

Cherishing those memories is what keeps your loved ones with you. Also, not sure how spiritual anyone is here, but I talk to him often and it helps me feel that the connection is still there.

I think I have a continual line going!  Most here have some degree of spirituality and/or at least belief in afterlife and continuation of existence.

[KMB]

cf315---My 6 month mark is coming up also. I fee that I might be making a little progress. I don't break down crying as much. I do still have the panic attacks but not quite as often. Currently, a constant sadness and feeling defeated. I let it all get to me to the point I just go lay in bed for hours at a time. Just the resting and trying to zone out for awhile seems to help.

My heart goes out to you with the loss of your boyfriend. I am sorry he had an addiction that could not be overcome. I am sorry that any future plans are gone also. This living a life can be so darn hard when everything goes wrong. For one person, life is the greatest. For another, it is a miserable existence.

At least you are finding the resources available to help you cope. I wish you peace and comfort in your journey.

For me, this forum has become my lifeline. I'm right down to the bare bones of everyone I know fading away.

Keep checking in and sharing. We are in this together.

 

[Canela]

Hello again,

I am at month 8 of the lost of my love. I'm pretty functional now around others. My break downs are in the evening when I have plants of alone time. My heart is still torn in a million pieces. I've just started to listen to music again. Sometimes I'll be in a store and hear a song that he liked and I have to leave the store. These little triggers happen a lot. I miss him more than I ever imagined. The unfairness to the both of us eats me up everyday.

I want to thank everyone for reading my messages. 

[Francine]

3 hours ago, Canela said:

Hello again,

I am at month 8 of the lost of my love. I'm pretty functional now around others. My break downs are in the evening when I have plants of alone time. My heart is still torn in a million pieces. I've just started to listen to music again. Sometimes I'll be in a store and hear a song that he liked and I have to leave the store. These little triggers happen a lot. I miss him more than I ever imagined. The unfairness to the both of us eats me up everyday.

I want to thank everyone for reading my messages. 

I feel you.  Today marks the 6 month that my Charles was taken from this earth and my mind is finding it hard to believe it is true.  The worst time for me is also in the evening, when the world is winding down from the days activities and  - that's the time I remember Charles is no longer here for me to discuss my day and I feel so all alone.  There is no greater feeling in knowing that at the end of the day, someone is waiting on the other side of the door for your return.  He's no longer here to wrap his strong loving arms around me, making me safe from the worlds mess. 

Missing him is an understatement.  My soul aches for him; my mind does not want to accept he's gone; my heart breaks everyday because he's not here.  My mind replays what the heart can't delete - day after day after day.......

 

People will say you'll get through this - I really don't think I ever will.   I'll survive, I'll exist with this life God has given, but I'll never ever be *me* again.  Without Charles, I don't want to be. 

 

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, Francine said:

I feel you.  Today marks the 6 month that my Charles was taken from this earth and my mind is finding it hard to believe it is true.  The worst time for me is also in the evening, when the world is winding down from the days activities and  - that's the time I remember Charles is no longer here for me to discuss my day and I feel so all alone.  There is no greater feeling in knowing that at the end of the day, someone is waiting on the other side of the door for your return.  He's no longer here to wrap his strong loving arms around me, making me safe from the worlds mess. 

Missing him is an understatement.  My soul aches for him; my mind does not want to accept he's gone; my heart breaks everyday because he's not here.  My mind replays what the heart can't delete - day after day after day.......

 

People will say you'll get through this - I really don't think I ever will.   I'll survive, I'll exist with this life God has given, but I'll never ever be *me* again.  Without Charles, I don't want to be. 

 

So true Francine. When we married our loves we were joined into one in His eyes. We were two becoming one. Now it's as if we are half a person wandering around this new life. Coming home is the hardest for me too. I just want to burst through the door and tell Lori about the day. Ask her what are doing this evening. Talk about plans both small and great. I know in my mind that part of our life is over but my heart just doesn't seem to be on the same page. Francine, I am praying for you on this 6 month anniversary that you will have only good memories and peaceful thoughts of your dear Charles. We'll get through this!

[KayC]

I rarely listen to "our music", it was a big part of us, our relationship, we had more "our songs" than anyone I know!  But even after all this time it is way too painful...

[Francine]

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Francine, I am praying for you on this 6 month anniversary that you will have only good memories and peaceful thoughts of your dear Charles. We'll get through this!

I truly appreciate your post and prayer.  I'm scheduled to see my grief counselor today and after seeing him, I feel somewhat better; sure hope so, especially today.  

[KayC]

Francine, I never noticed your profile picture before, is it new?  You look very happy together.  I hope your time with your grief counselor helps today.

[Francine]

17 minutes ago, KayC said:

Francine, I never noticed your profile picture before, is it new?  You look very happy together.  I hope your time with your grief counselor helps today.

It is new - I'm not computer savvy at all so my son posted it for me; and yes, we were very happy and loved each other so very much.  The grief counselor was great; and he knew something was wrong when I got there.  We were able to talk things out and I did feel somewhat better after our session.  Thanks for asking.

[KayC]

I misunderstood about when you were going in, sometimes it gets confusing with the time difference!  I'm glad it helped you feel better.  I have my grief support group today, it sounds strange but I actually like it.

[Eagle-96]

2 hours ago, Francine said:

It is new - I'm not computer savvy at all so my son posted it for me; and yes, we were very happy and loved each other so very much.  The grief counselor was great; and he knew something was wrong when I got there.  We were able to talk things out and I did feel somewhat better after our session.  Thanks for asking.

I am glad you posted a picture of the two of you. It gives me a sense of who I am talking to and a glimpse into their lives. What a wonderful picture. I've always thought that you can tell the feelings at the time by the smiles. There's no doubt about the love there.

[Francine]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

  I'm glad it helped you feel better.  I have my grief support group today, it sounds strange but I actually like it.

Thanks KayC - so am I.  I too look forward to going to my one-on-one counseling as well as the group counseling.    The one difference is the group session meets once per month - wish it could meet more, but I'm grateful for that. 

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I am glad you posted a picture of the two of you. It gives me a sense of who I am talking to and a glimpse into their lives. What a wonderful picture. I've always thought that you can tell the feelings at the time by the smiles. There's no doubt about the love there.

So am I - would have had it up sooner if I knew what I was doing.  - thank God for sons.  Charles and I had a love for the storybooks - literally.   i was *HIS* girl and he was *MY* man and wasn't afraid to tell the world.

[KMB]

Hi Francine, How are you doing with the counseling? I love your new pic too. I would post one myself, but there are only a few of my husband and I together. I'm not tech savvy either and haven't taken the time to figure out how to put up a pic here. It was always one or the other of us with the camera. We lived in our own world, just the two of us when we went somewhere or did something. (HUGS)

[KayC]

Once you have your digital picture, just go to profile, edit profile, you'll see a field about me to put your picture in, either upload it or drag it to there, save, that's all there is to it.

[MrSifter]

Hello...its been a while since I came here..im really struggling still...I still cry every day dont really go out much and have lost contact with alot of friends...I dont really know whats keeping me going...im in trouble at work because I shouted at some one...I keep feeling like Im having emotional breakdowns nearly everyday cos I have so much time on my own...I havent been able to move any of her clothes they are still exactly how they were the day she left the flat..I feel like im going crazy...if I lose my job I will have nothing and im scared..I feel vulnerble and alone...

I need to get through this but I dont feel strong enough on my own... 

[KayC]

Maybe you could go to the person you shouted at and apologize and let them know it's not them, it's the grief stress you're dealing with.  I'd hate to see you lose your job, you've already lost enough.

Keep coming here, we go through it together.

[Eagle-96]

On 9/4/2017 at 10:34 AM, MrSifter said:

Hello...its been a while since I came here..im really struggling still...I still cry every day dont really go out much and have lost contact with alot of friends...I dont really know whats keeping me going...im in trouble at work because I shouted at some one...I keep feeling like Im having emotional breakdowns nearly everyday cos I have so much time on my own...I havent been able to move any of her clothes they are still exactly how they were the day she left the flat..I feel like im going crazy...if I lose my job I will have nothing and im scared..I feel vulnerble and alone...

I need to get through this but I dont feel strong enough on my own... 

MrSifter. I lost Lori five months ago and I haven't moved any of her clothes and I haven't changed her side of the bathroom. I'm not sure I ever will. There is NO timetable for doing those things. I agree with KayC. Just try to explain your position and move forward with them the best you can.

[KMB]

MrSifter, I also agree with KayC, in seeking out the person and making amends. It will ease your conscious and not be an added burden. Have you sought out help through a grief counselor/therapist?   We are here for you, but, sometimes having a professional to talk to helps also.