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Gethin

My farther killed himself

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Gethin

Hello,

My farther committed suicide a year and a bit ago. Ever since it happened I have been anxious and sometimes feel like I'm going mad. I'm scared I'm going to do the same thing he did. I have never thought about suicide before. I don't want to kill myself but can't stop thinking about it and working myself up. Feel crippled by grief still. My brother seems to have moved on quicker than me,but I guess everyone is different. In the first few months I cried a lot but can't seem to cry anymore and I don't pine for him as much. There are still so many unanswered questions but I guess I will never know the answers to them. 

I'm lucky I have a very supportive girlfriend who has helped me a lot since it happened. Just want the anxiety that stop! I'm quite impatient. I have suffered from anxiety before but nothing as long lasting as this .I try and let the grief wash over me and except that I feel bad but it's so hard not to Get worked up. 

Womdered if there was anyone else out there who has been through the same thing. Would be good to find someone to identify with. 

Thanks 

gethin 

 

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agawam

Dear Gethin,

 

I am sorry for what you have been through. I just would like to share my experiences with you, I hope it will help at least to feel you are not alone with all these feelings.

I lost both of my parents when I was pretty young, and after my father passed I became very anxious (actually he was the last closest relative I had and we had a very good connection), I felt kind of trapped, I always wanted to be alone as I could not be among people. I thought I had social fobia or something, so I went to a psychologist who helped me to realise it was "only" the anxiety (that in a way I have been always suffering from in my whole life) that became stronger because of grieving, not social fobia. With the help of her I managed to cope with the death of my father, and also my anxiety left me a bit.

Then, recently, I experienced a suicide of a man, who was a friend of mine (at the beggining we had a bit of romantic connection as well) and after his death the anxiety hit me again-stronger than ever- but at this time I was more conscious about it, I mean I knew exactly it arrived again becasue I was shocked by this traumatic event, this fantastic man I got to know decided to leave this world. I never experienced my anxiety to be this strong but I decided to handle it in another way. I mean I always hated it just like probably you do, but what I realised that hating it and wanting it to go away as soon as possible usually just makes it even worse and stay longer... so, what I started to do is to kind of accept it, accept myself with it and to understand that this is my way to cope with these very difficult life events. So many questions, so many dilemmas, guilt, sadness... we are fragile too and need our time to heal, and as I understood anxitey is my way of processing things. Not such a good and effective way, but still a way of processing life events, nothing else. 

So, I kind of accepted it, accepted myself with it, went to a counselior, started to learn autgen training, started to take care of myself as sometimes I have the feeling anxiety is something like "my soul is asking me" to pay more attention to it, so, I try to sleep more, have a rest if I need, I do meditation, go running, so, I focus on myself- in the right way. I mean, my anxiety usually makes me focus on myself anyways (at this time I have panic attacks that is actually usually a result of extreme self/body consiusness), so I try to take it in the right way. And, it really helps. 

So, all in all, I know how you feel, and so... for me the only way out of it seems to be to stop searching the way out of it. I wish you the best!

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Gethin

Hi

Thank you for you're post. 

Sorry for your loss, it's good to know there are other people going through the same thing I feel very alienated sometimes   

 

Yes hating it and wanting it to go away definetly makes it worse ! I have been seeing a councillor and she said the same thing. Just be with it and try and accept it. It's really hard, but I think it helps a little. 

I just want it to all go away all at once. I guess in this day and age everything happens so quickly and we expect everything in our lives to be the same, but there not.  

Hope you're anxiety is getting better. Everything happens so gradually it's hard to notice improvement. 

Wish you all the best 

Gethin 

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MossyOaks

Hello~ Gethin, 

My heart is broken for you, as my ex husband and my boys dad took his life October 28th 2016.. while we had been divorced for 10 years, and the reasons do not matter anymore. My kids are 17 and 14, there dad suffered from bi polar and would stop taking his meds. He had remarried and moved back home. We moved from our home state before we split up. 

People assume the hardest part is when this happens. And I have noticed that most people don't understand how suicide is different than a car wreck or illness. We are left with questions. My Ex killed himself in front of his wife. 

Kids are the ones who battle and fight the most with a parent who takes there life, I can tell you from what my kids and I are going is the worst thing ever! I want

to take the heart ache away from them and I can't. There is so much more to our story, but losing a loved one in this way. Is the hardest thing to cope with. Everyone says "give it time" idk! I can't talk about it. We are in therapy but that honestly is making me feel worse. 

A roller coaster ride is the best way to explain it. I want to scream at him! Hug him but I can't. I get mad, so mad! How could he do this to our boys! 

You are not alone, and I'm a mother of kids who lost there dad. And while I can not speak for them. I can share how we are coping as a family! Some days are just bad, and we ask for a do over for the next day. 

Thank you for sharing, I know it's hard! 

 

My Oldest son has battled with the same mental illness has his dad. And as a mom I worry about him. He has bi polar and manic depressive episodes. I reluctantly agreed to meds a couple years ago. I'm glad I made that choice and I did so because I new his dad suffered the same way. We never thought he would take his life though. You are not alone!! And while we all feel like we are there are people who are going through this everyday. 

Tonight was a emotional one for my youngest who is 14 he was 2 when his dad moved back home. He misses his dad and sadly he never really new him. Our marriage was full of domestic violence. And while I wanted him to be part of his kids life, his mental illness kept him from having a good relationship with his boys. Understanding mental illness is something so many people deal with. But it is so hard for men to ask for help. I want to change that somehow. There is no shame is seeking help. 

 

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