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Elo

I wouldn't want my husband to find love again if I died.

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Elo

Hello, I am not a widow and hopefully I will not ever be so, but I did know grief when I lost my father. Though this post is about grief inside a marriage or romantic relationship. I'm married and very in love with my husband. I am lucky to be able to say that the feeling is mutual. Though, as all human beings sometimes, I find myself thinking about death on a regular basis. I am actually very aware that I can lose what I have at any moment in life, death can be imprevisible and time goes fast.
Unfortunately, I keep coming across stories of people who lost a spouse or a life partner. But often, after some time, those people have found love again.
And I realized that my reaction to that had always been an unpleasant tingle inside. It just breaks my heart for the deceased one. And putting myself in the situation, I realized that I wouldn't want my husband to find love again if I died. Not only finding love but also sharing a sexual relationship with somebody. (I also am 100% sure that if he died, I would not ever want to be with anybody else, no matter how young I am).
I'm 31 and he's 24.
So I feel awful about feeling that way, I know that it's extremely selfish of me, but the idea of him falling in love with someone else breaks my heart. If we would break up, the situation would be different, because it would be a choice of one of us or both to go separate ways. But if death came in between us, that we would both have wanted to stay together and that we loved each other madly, then I'm terrified by the idea of him kinda replacing me with another woman or other women. And yes, no matter what you will say, to me it's "replacing". Because even if he never forgets me, it would be the lips of another woman he would kiss, the body of another woman he would make love to, and another woman that his heart would love. I am profoundly monogamous and if our relationship is monogamous while we are both alive, why should it change after one of our death? My heart, mind and body are all intimately connected to one another, so I don't understand how you would want to "move one" romantically if you still love someone who died.
I think that part of what impacts my desire is that I myself can not fathom my love for him ever disappear or dissipate if he died. And if my love for him remains, then I could never get with anybody else, because him dead or alive, I would remain his wife, one man's woman. If I am faithful now, why shouldn't I remain so then? My heart could not open to love someone else the same way that it can't now. It would not even be a choice, and I wouldn't want it any differently. He's the love of my life and that goes beyond death to me.
I can't help picturing finding love after the passing of a spouse that we loved, as cheating.
I feel like very few people feel the way I do and understand me, I really need an honest response and opinion about my feelings. Though I ask for kindness and understanding. I really ache about feeling that way and the possibility that I could be replaced, and because I feel terrible about myself for being so selfish. Is "Moving on" really the only acceptable, the right thing to do? Is it, at all, acceptable or understandable not to want your loved one to "move on" if you were to die?
 

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ModKonnie

I understand how horrible it would be to imagine him with another woman if you die, and honestly, I feel a little bit like that, but I am watching my mom who was married for 54 years suffer from being alone. She is lonely. She needs someone. My father is not there. He died. His life ended but hers did not. I wish she could meet someone, so she could enjoy her final years with a companion. He would never replace my father, but instead, he would be a different relationship. I know who she loves and will always. 

It's not cheating. You took a vow "til death do you part." When death ends the relationship, the remaining spouse is free to remarry and move forward. The contract ends. Of course the love will never end. Many people talk about feeling like they cheated, but they don't want to be alone forever. Isn't that kind of cruel to want that for someone? Really? 

People aren't replaced. They are never replaced. Someone else just comes along and a new relationship begins. If you truly love your husband, would you want him to suffer alone? Is that fair? Is that love? Or is it selfishness? I do not have the answer--just more questions. I look at my mom, and it seems natural that she would find someone else. When it comes to my own relationship--yeah, it's a little hurtful to think about, but I'm thinking in present terms, not future. 

Thoughtful post...

ModKonnie

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EternalFlames

What matters more, the jealousy you feel right now for something that hasn't even happened, or his happiness?

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love sucks

I believe we are truly in the minority.  I feel exactly the way you do about your husband finding love again after you die (and sharing intimacy with another woman).   I have been married for 27 years.  In 2012 I saw a human interest story about a woman who was dying of cancer, and had actually purchased a "free trip" for her husband, children and "new wife" whoever that might be  (to Disney World I think) and a "free day of pampering at a beauty salon" for the new wife.   Something to the effect that she loved him so much, wanted him to be happy again,  and wanted another woman to be "blessed" as much as she had been as his wife.  Of course by the time this story reached the media, the husband was already remarried and wanted to share the story with the world (haha).  I remember feeling sick about it  (unlike everyone on television).  I mentioned the story to my husband later that same day.  When I said, "I could never do something like she did" and he said, "Never say never", my world slowly crumbled.  I realized he didn't feel the same way I did about our marriage.  We have had much trouble from that day forward in our marriage because I can't get past it. Of course he tells me now that he feels the same way,  and that he just blurted that out without really thinking about it, but  I have never felt the same towards him since.  Something died in me that day.  

I have told my sister and my aunt how I feel (my mom died years ago,  and my dad found someone else not once but twice - that's another story), and they both have told me I shouldn't feel that way.  My aunt said she would be dead and wouldn't care, and my sister said I should love him in a way that I want his happiness no matter what.  I guess I'm horribly selfish, but I know that I would never fathom giving my body, heart and soul to another man - I would be extremely lonely for sure and wouldn't feel like living on myself.  But my relationship to my husband is so precious to me that  I would simply never be willing to share myself in that way with another human being.  God knows that.  

Don't beat yourself up.  There are people out there that feel the same way you and I do (I've even seen a couple of men online who are widowed, and say they have no interest in ever being with anyone else in that way either ).  But we are few and far in between.  

 

 

 

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Elyse

I feel the same way but for other reasons as well. I believe in heaven and so does my husband. We both feel like we will see each other again so there is no need to find love again. I dont see anything wrong with someone finding love again but there is also nothing wrong with choosing not to fall in love again. I find it very honorable to remain faithful to your deceased spouse because after all you both will be reunited again with jesus. I know that might sound stupid to some people but that is just how my husband and I feel.No there is no guarantee that both of us will get into heaven but with god in our hearts we believe that we will see each other again. Choosing to not love again is not selfish. Choosing to love again is not betraying your dead spouse either. Either decision is ok. Dont listen to ignnorant people telling you how you should feel. As long as you and your partner are on the same page you have nothing to feel guily about. I could go on and on about why I would not want to fall inlove again and your reasons are just some of the other reasons I would choose to not find love again.  

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Lucygucy

I'm in this club, too, lol. My husband passed on 3 months ago tomorrow. I know many people would say that my pure raw grief right now is making me say I'll never marry again, but I know I won't. I fully believe in heaven or an afterlife or in whatever term we want to give it. We love ( yes, present tense!) each other immensely...He was my world and I,his.  We did everything together and hated being apart for any reason. He always glowed when he would tell me I was the love of his life. He was and remains the love of my life. He took at least half of me with him.  Now, I know a psychologist or someone like that would be tempted to call it co-dependency or whatever catch phrase is in vogue. I hate to break it to them, but love IS co-dependency, it's the nature of love so I'm not really open to their suggestions that a soul-mate kind of love is somehow unhealthy. I can not imagine God giving us something so beautiful and life-sustaining ( and actually sacred) , only to tell us that in heaven, we won't be with that one person with whom we really shared our heart and soul. The idea that love is so...I don't know...disposable...?...depresses me. Frankly. I know that I can not ever love another man  in the same way. That can never be duplicated and anything less would certainly not be fair to a new guy because he would never have my whole heart and soul. My husband passed unexpectedly so we never really had any discussion of either of us marrying again, but I recall that after his brother passed, my husband was upset that his widow remarried within a very few years. He felt that this indicated that her love was superficial. We only had a few days to absorb my own husband's impending passing, but I made him promise to come for me when it was my time ( and frankly, I would not mind if that time were soon...not that I am going to do anything, just sharing an honest thought. ). He promised he would.  He knew he was carrying my heart with him.  As I said earlier, I am certain that we don't die...we shed our earthly bodies, yes, but our spirit lives on in heaven and I believe that what makes us *us* stays the same. However happy and satisfactory our marriages on earth will, so much more joyous will they be in God's heaven, imo. So...no, I can not imagine telling him that I would want him to remarry, because I wouldn't. And I know him well enough to know that he would not remarry..,please forgive me for sounding cocky, but I knew how very deeply he loved me. 

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Don Schultz

Elo, I am 58 and I just lost my wife of 32 God-sent beautiful years together, officialy, on December 4th  2019. We were together, starting out as just friends, for 38 years. We were blessed to have fallen in love and started dating on December 10th, 1982 and from that moment on we were each other's whole world! We knew only after about 3 weeks of dating we wanted to be married. By the time we were married on September 19th, 1987, we knew each other so well. We were so much alike in so many ways and people all around us could see how much in love we were. The way they saw us in public was the way we were in private. We had the strongest marriage among our family and friends and even to them our love was legendary. We never did well apart from one another and though we were an Army family, I was blessed with not having to be deployed for more than 30 days. We were also blessed with 6 children together, 3 children-in-law and one grandchild. My dear wife was just 7 months my senior. The secret to our ever loving marriage - we put God first in everything in our lives starting with each of us praying for the ideal mate and being shown by God that who we truly wanted was hiding in plain site in front of one another!

Well, now you have our background. In just 30 minutes,  just past midnight on December 2nd my entire life and heart was torn asunder. No one, not even my sweet wife saw it coming as she was always remarkably healthy. The heart attack that took her instantly was so severe that the doctors told us that no matter where it happened in my arms or in the emergency room, the result would have been the same. I only had her on life support against her wishes until December 4th after I exhausted all earthly hope of her recovery.  I'm still in shock and denial as I'm writing you, but talking about it releases some of the many emotions I'm experiencing. It was rare that she and I discussed this topic, since it brought tears to our eyes, but she told not very long ago that if she happened to die first, she knew I'd be devastated,  but if I found happiness again with someone else, she wouldn't mind and she would want that for me. That's how much a treasure of a wife she was. But, I feel as you do. I then told her that is a moot point. I've said this to her then as I've said it a million times, "You are the only woman I ever loved, still love even more and ever will love. I could never bring myself to love anyone else." I then said, "I always promised to love you for all eternity, just as your mother did for 39 years. She loved only your father and would have no other man in her life and now she is joined with him in Heaven." I finished by saying that I'll most likely die first as I'm 100% disabled and the one with health issues. I also told that if I went first, I wouldn't want another man to have her, I'm adamant about that and have always been jealous of any man trying to get with her in the past and I've scared off enough clowns that tried. Unfortunately, the reality that she has been taken from me is here. I never prepared for this, but know that in my loneliness and sadness, I cannot ever want anyone else but my wife. Prior to our dating I never wanted a woman so badly and God answered my prayers when she gave me her heart and she readily accepted mine. Like yourself, I consider myself still married to her beyond death and to be with another would feel like I'm cheating on her and the moment she became my own love, I never even looked at another woman. My church Deacon explained to me that as God joined us a one in marriage on Earth, we will still be continued to be joined as one  in Heaven, but in Heaven, the institution of marriage is no longer necessary. Although God does allow those who are widowed to remarry, it's an allowance, not a Commandment, an allowance I choose not to take. I don't know how it works in Heaven if one has been married to multiple spouses because of being widowed, but I know God has a perfect plan for everything. He gave me in my precious wife, the most perfect one for me, the one I not only loved beyond description in words alone, but with whom I was most comfortable and had the most fun with. And since God made only one like her, I was blessed beyond my greatest hopes and dreams to have been her only man she ever loved and was married to. God gave me His best in her and that's  why she's the only one I will ever or could ever love and she will the only woman I'll ever be married to. In addition, I wouldn't want anyone else to come in try and erase all memories of the one and only love in my life, family or home. Rather than helping my existence, I feel it would complicate it and I would always compare another woman to my wife. I couldn't give my true loving heart to another as well. The things around our home that remind me of her give me comfort and I feel her presence all around me. Yes, sometimes it makes me cry, but mostly it reminds me of the beautiful times we had together and that and most importantly, our family we created with our love will sustain me the rest of my days.

No Elo, you're not selfish and not alone , like me you have an exceptional love for your spouse as I do for mine and who cares if we're a minority? You must follow your heart. Remember, we don't have to impress others, just our spouses and our own hearts. My sister-in-law got remarried at a younger age than I am and that surprised everyone, considering how close she was to her first husband who died, that's her following her heart and needs, but that doesn't mean it works for me or everyone else. Stay true to your convictions. If I know my true love, and I do, deep down inside, she really would hope I would honor what I promised her. She genuinely wouldn't want to see me with anyone else if it actually came to that. So, I  pray you don't have to experience my situation or if so, not for a long time. I thought my love and had at least 15-20 years more, but I thank God I had her for the time I did and had her for best years of her short life. I am the most blessed man I know. I hope my testimony helps.

Edited by Don Schultz
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