I lost my husband to overdose.

[youngwidow27]

I lost my husband last month to painkiller overdose. That day I went to work a wife and when I came home I found my husband on the floor. That moment has forever changed anything that my life was suppose to be.

We were together for almost 13 years. He was trying to get his life on the right track again. I don't know how to go on without him. He was everything to me. My husband, Best friend. He was my home.

I just want to go home. 

[Barbra E]

I just lost my fiance to overdose 3 days ago. We were together for a year and deeply madly in love. I didn't know at first that he was an addict, had been for years ever since a bad accident and long stay in the hospital. Addicts are the best liars ever. He had me fooled for a while but eventually he started using again and the last few weeks got very bad. He lost his job and that started a downward spiral. He became a constant all consuming project. I was his girl, his fiance, his nurse, his pseudo-mother, his lover, his soulmate...his other "drug". And he became my drug. So much so that I ignored nearly everything else in my life. Taking care of him and getting him clean were all that mattered. We had an appt. 3 weeks from now to get suboxone. I don't know if it would have helped, but we were both excited and ready to start a clean life. Well in the meantime, he got and lost another job and the next day (3 days ago, April 28) he went out and bought a ton of drugs. I came home from picking my son up from school and everything was normal, except for some reason for the first time in I can't remember how long, I fell asleep in the middle of the day. I guess I did not realize how exhausted I have been from all the stress...and his lack of sleep became my lack of sleep as well. I woke up to the sound of a knock on the door...my son's father there to pick him up for the weekend. I got my son's things together and kissed him and sent him off with his dad. I went back to our bedroom and opened the door and he was face down on the bed. Not the first time I have found him this way but I immediately knew he wasn't moving at all. I flipped him over and screamed his name repeatedly. I checked his pulse and pounded on his chest and screamed and screamed. I ran to get a neighbor and she called the police. I started doing CPR and didn't stop til the EMT's came. I screamed "I have an epi pen, i'll shoot him with the epi pen. It worked in pulp fiction, it'll wake him up" but the dispatcher said don't...wait for the EMT. I keep thinking if I hadn't listened to her. If I had done CPR better, harder, if I hadn't fallen asleep. Why did I fall asleep????? While the love of my life was laying in our bed dying. Everyone keeps telling me there is nothing I could have done, but if feels like there are so many things I could have done. Your last few words hit me so hard I just had a screaming crying fit I thought wouldn't end. He was my home too. His arms were my home. His chest was my home. His lips, his eyes, his loving words. HIs smell. I just want to go home too. I feel like I am floating through a nightmare. It hurts so bad. I'm mad, he promised he would never leave me. I feel like he gave up. He chose drug over me. I know the truth, I know how addicts work, but the truth doesn't always feel true. I knew the deepest darkest parts of his soul and the brightest most loving parts and everything in between and I loved every single bit of him. My only comfort is that he is finally not in pain, not fighting this demon anymore, and that he spent his last year on this Earth with someone who loved him for who he was, unconditionally. I didn't even get to say goodbye. My last images of him are of stuff oozing from his mouth after I'd blow air in his lungs....the smell of him soiling himself and knowing what that meant. That he was gone and I could never ever speak to him again. I have so much to say. I have so much love to give him still. I don't know where to put it. It hurts so bad still having it in my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand so much. God this hurts. I hope you find peace soon, I hope I find it soon. I keep praying to him...not God...my fiance. To help me. That's not what I should be doing I know...but he is all that I can think of. 

[youngwidow27]

I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing that gives me any peace is that I know now he is not in pain and fighting this demon anymore. I just wished I didn't go to work that day. He might still be here. 

If you ever need to talk,  I'm here. 

[Barbra E]

I am so sorry for your loss too. And I understand exactly how you feel. I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself why did I fall asleep that day. But I'm finally starting to look back at how things were, and I've talked with his mother and learned even more about his past. He was very broken and very good at hiding it for a long time. And eventually even our love, as strong and real and deep as it was could not save him. Mostly right now I'm feeling anger towards people who don't understand and judge. Drug addict doesn't always equal bad person. Sometimes it equals good person who was molested and beaten when he was a little boy and wet the bed til he was 15 and eventually gave in to the peer pressure so he didn't have to feel all the bad feelings inside of him anymore. He made a lot of mistakes and probably things would have just kept getting worse. But I don't blame him. I loved my beautiful broken man and fought for him til the end. And he fought too. Until he just couldn't anymore. I miss him so much, but I'm so glad he's not suffering inside anymore. He can finally rest. Thank you for your kind words and please if you ever need to talk as well don't hesitate. It helps talking to someone who really truly understands.

[MaureenWOO]

Hello,

I just wanted to shoot you this message to introduce myself & offer you my condolences for you loss. I also lost my Husband to an overdose about 18 months ago. I began a group Widows of Overdose - www.widowsofoverdose.com Our group meets Wednesdays at 8:00 in Patchogue, Long Island. I know it can feel very isolating when dealing with this type of grief so please feel free to contact me if you'd like to chat. It's been my experience that the world views this type of grief differently, almost discounting it given the way the person died and the automatic assumptions that this person was a "drug addict" and that we are "better off" without them. These assumptions only intensify our grief.  Please feel free to post on our site your experience as well as any memories or photos of your loved one that you'd like to share. I hope we can speak soon.  

Best Wishes,

Maureen

C: 516-870-8058

E: widowsofoverdose@gmail.com

www.widowsofoverdose.com 

http://www.meetup.com/Patchogue-Widows-and-Widowers-Meetup/

[Diane Eileen]

I am very sorry for your deep loss.  I know it's particularly painful when we've lost someone due to overdose.  Not only have we lost the love of our life, but it's just so hard to find someone to talk with about this kind of passing.  I have worked with a lot  of families who have struggled with this.   Opiates are taking over this country, and it's just so sad my heart breaks.   In full disclosure, I am a medium and just as a result of my work, I  wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.  Every week unfortunately I have people who call because their loved one has passed from medications, usually quite accidental.   I hope this little reminder may help ease your pain that our loved ones all have a path and lessons they are here to learn.  When the lessons are finished they tend to return to source.  God bless, and if you ever need help you can always connect with me.  I am at diane@yourlettersfromheaven.com, 941-993-7105

 

[IMISSTAO]

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband, too, died from a mixture of alcohol and prescription drugs.  He had terrible insomnia and tried to 'self medicate' often.  I always got angry with him and had signed him up for a stint in a 'rehab'.  It wasn't a real rehab, or he would not have gone, but it was a 10 day meditation course that the participants remain silent.  He died 3 weeks before the course started.  They hold several courses a year, but he always resisted when I would bring it up because he said he was too busy with work.  I finally signed him up and told him he was going if I had to kidnap him, but I had also let it go on for too long and accepted his lame excuses.  There were a MILLION times where I berated myself, "I should have just made him go a month earlier!"  But I know it is not my fault, and it is not your fault.  We cannot make decisions for other adults as much as we want to.  You were not his parent, you were his partner, and I think that almost makes it harder to get them to accept they have a problem.  Whenever I brought it up he would say, "You're not my MOM!"  And yet, he was the absolute LOVE of my life.  So perfect for me and always, when sober and well rested, the person I always wanted to be with and be like.  He loved life.  He was so daring and fearless, but not reckless, and he was the best father.  Our kids still ask me a lot about why he did what he did (they are now old enough to understand addiction).  I still think about him daily, and get mad at him at times for leaving me, and it has been 3 years.  I am not devastated the way I was when he died, but I still have that slow burn of loss with me, and I still lay quietly at night when the kids are asleep and sometimes imagine what we would be doing had he lived.  Maybe you will do those things, too?  I used to dream about him, but not so much anymore.  I don't know if you have kids, but the hardest part is that we all sort of cycle into deeper grief at different times and moments, so I will think things are going OK and then my daughter is moping around for several days, or my son will get frustrated, and they will irritate each other at those times because when they aren't "in" their grieving, they don't want to be faced with someone who is, and vice versa.  But the wheel keeps turning and some days are smiles and laughter and joy.  But the loss is always there, like an ember, for me and for the kids.

[TheOneWhoLostHerPenguin]

I'm reading the post by youngwidow27 and it feels like I'm reading my own story... I'm 36 and 3 months ago I lost the love of my life. We were married for 11 years. For most of that time he was treated for anxiety, but you'd never know it. Actually, his family has learnt about it already after his death.

He was brilliant, funny, and so caring. We had some ups and downs, but as we concluded- we were penguins, together for life. I adored him- he was my everything. One day, just before Christmas, I came from work and found him on the floor. Because he was fit and healthy, till recently we didn't know the cause of death. I've just learned that he took a painkiller that reacted with his anxiety meds and caused an accidental overdose. We were about to start actively trying to expand our family. We had so many dreams and plans.

Sometimes I get mad with him that he took all that away from us. Most of the time, I just miss his smell, smile, and wisdom.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, TheOneWhoLostHerPenguin said:

I'm reading the post by youngwidow27 and it feels like I'm reading my own story

Oh, my dear, I am so very sorry you find yourself here with us.  You are so young to have to go through this painful and seemingly impossible journey.  It's horrible at any age and no matter how long we had with our soulmates, so please know that all of us here understand, each in his or her own way, all the emotions, questions, and anguish you are experiencing.

I'm going to suggest that you start a new thread just for you.  You could even just copy and re-post what you've written here.  I promise you that the members here will not judge you or your love.  They will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do, think, or feel.  They will try to help you in any way they can.  Some of our members have the benefit of many years of time on their grief journeys, while others of us are still very new to it.  Some of us are young and others are many years older.  Some of us had our soulmates for only a few years, while others had the grace of decades together.  And all of us "get it" when it comes to the worst loss that will probably ever happen in our lives.

Two things for now.  You wrote that your husband did not know that the combination of medications could cause an overdose.  Try to remember that he did not leave you on purpose, that what happened was an accident and not intentional.  That will be difficult, I have no doubt, but I urge you to try.  Second, your name really caught my eye.  When I was in college (back in the dark ages), my best friend and I collected penguins.  I've always loved them.  They're so perfectly and absurdly adorable.  Of course, over time, I received far too many of them as gifts.  I've kept only the few that I love best, but I will never let those go.

Please come here often to vent, to question, to cry.  The members are a truly caring community.

 

 

[KayC]

I will call you Penguin unless/until I know your name...I love that.  I used to have pigeons and they also mate for life, we could learn from them.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand your feeling angry that he left you...feelings don't have to make sense, they just are, I think of them as something to be dealt with, they aren't a barometer of anything so facts needn't enter in for them to exist nor does rationale...much of our grief is in the "feelings" realm.  It's common for people to feel abandoned, even though their spouse didn't knowingly or willingly leave.  

You are the same age as my daughter.  She lost two children (miscarriages) and then her husband left her.  He since came back to try to steal her apartment from her and is treating her horribly.  I feel the luckier of us two because my love and memory with my husband remains untarnished whereas the man she's loved for 19 years has turned into a different person (alcohol related).It's heartbreaking either way, to lose the one you love.

I hope you will consider as foreverhis suggested and start your own thread, one where you can record your thoughts and feelings and get responses to.  This is a caring place and it helps to have the support of others going through it.

I wrote this at about ten years out and hope you will find something in it of help to you.  Wishing you much comfort.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand your feeling angry that he left you...feelings don't have to make sense, they just are, I think of them as something to be dealt with, they aren't a barometer of anything so facts needn't enter in for them to exist nor does rationale...much of our grief is in the "feelings" realm.  It's common for people to feel abandoned, even though their spouse didn't knowingly or willingly leave.  

Beautifully and honestly stated, Kay.  It's exactly right.  I know my husband didn't leave me on purpose.  I always felt bad when he would apologize to me for "getting so sick."  He was not to blame and did nothing wrong.  The cancer was very aggressive and more than his body could take. 

Yet there are still days when I ask him, "How could you leave me?  Why did you have to go?" as if he somehow made a choice.  Rationally, I know that's wrong, but my heart is sometimes so jumbled that what I feel doesn't make sense.

[Billie Rae]

Beautifully and honestly stated, Kay.  It's exactly right.  I know my husband didn't leave me on purpose.  I always felt bad when he would apologize to me for "getting so sick."  He was not to blame and did nothing wrong.  The cancer was very aggressive and more than his body could take. 
Yet there are still days when I ask him, "How could you leave me?  Why did you have to go?" as if he somehow made a choice.  Rationally, I know that's wrong, but my heart is sometimes so jumbled that what I feel doesn't make sense.

I too know Charlie didn't leave me on purpose but at times I think he knew I was angry at him for not being as involved in this as I was so he chose to leave me before I left him.But then I know no one would suffer like that just to get even.But at times guilt or anger stop in mostly when things get hard and he's not here to bounce ideas off.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

This is a lengthy article but good on the subject of feeling abandoned by your loved one.

Abandoned feeling.doc

[foreverhis]

@KayC  Thank you for that.  You have such excellent resources to help us.