i lost my cat yesterday after 19 years...am broken with grief..

[atyyx]

Yesterday I had to make that dreaded decision to let my 19 year old cat go.. he had been suffering following a stroke in November but was still slowly walking around eating drinking and sleeping. I noticed he was not able to put any weight on his back legs yesterday so took him to the vets and was told his quality of life now is so poor the kindest thing for him would be to put him to sleep. I have not stopped crying since yesterday and this pain feels so deep. I cant eat sleep or function.. I miss him soo much he has been with me practically half my life. Keep questioning why???? I keep seeing his eyes emptying of life when the vet put him to sleep. I hope what i did was the right thing????

[Isa]

I saw the same empty look in my cats eyes when she was put to sleep it really broke my heart.

Yesterday I had to put to sleep my beautiful 18 year old cat, I'm totally devastated and I can't stop crying, my heart is truly broken. I just miss her so much. I have had her since she was 8 weeks old she was such a huge part of my life, what am I going to do without her... Will this pain ever go away?? She had kidney failure and there was nothing that I could have done for her... She deteriorated so fast and was hiding her illness from me, I knew something was wrong when she had no appetite and lost so much weight, it all happened so fast. She had no energy and just wanted to sleep... But I didn't think it was too serous as she still purred when I brushed her and pat her... I thought the vet could help her.

I held her when she got her injection, I knew she didn't want to be there but neither did I... I hope that she doesn't blame me as I really wanted her to stay with me but that would be selfish and cruel of me. I know that I did the kindest thing for her but I miss her and want her back terribly.

The loss of her is just so hard, I can't stop crying and calling out for her... I miss her I love her I so want her back on my arms again.

How does one heal and stop the pain? I feel lost, she was my baby and I miss her terribly.. I get in to such a state that I feel like I'm having a panic attack, I keep calling out to her to come out as I think she is hiding from me but then I know she is gone... I can't eat I can't sleep. I just miss her so much.... I'm broken with grief. I understand what you are going through. It will get easier for us with time as this is still so raw.

A friend wrote this to me and I do hope that it's true:

I know - it feels like the whole world has collapsed for a while and then slowly the acute pain of their absence turns to a dull ache of love, longing and gratitude. It's not easy but there's no avoiding it. Just remember, 18 wonderful years and all those memories x

[newfriend]

My 19 year old cat passed in April. I am shocked, devasted and horrified. I do not understand death and I am stuneed because this kind of thing was not supposed to happen to me. Maybe other people, but not me. I lived life as a little girl. Full of hope and believing in good things. Maybe too good of things because her "death" (and I can't even say the word) is making each day now a living hell. She was very sick the last 6 months of her life. The vet told me her own cat lived to age 22 with most of the ailments my girl had. And so the vet kept giving me hope. I don't blame the vet but it is part of the story. On the night she died I was not expecting it. I was here by myself and she died in the wee hours, about the same time it is right now as I post this. I am devasted concerning the manner in which she died. Gasping for air and crying out in agony. She was to so many vet appointments in her last week, including 2 emergency rooms. And one night overnight in the vet office. I wish in so many ways I had said to her "Honey, I love you. Mommy is going to leave you alone now. I am not going to take you to any more vet appointments". And in one way I did. The vet wanted me to take her for yet another appointment to see a speicaist and I told the vet "no". I explained I was going to use the upcoming time to learn how to syringe feed her food as her appetite had all but completely stopped. 2 days after saying that, she "went to sleep" in my arms...if you know what I am saying. I just can't use the real words or phrases. Some people worry about early euthanasias saying it was maybe premature. Others say they waited too long. I am not sorry I did not have her euthanized but I could say that I am sad beyond words that every vet visit including many specialasits, every pill, every medication, subq fluids, lotions, potions..you name it. I am angry at life that all of this did not keep her alive. I like to say I pulled out all the stops. I made a run for it! I took a gamble. She lived whereas without all of this I believe she may have "gone to sleep" before her chosen day. But she did not live as long as I had anticipated. And I don't know what I can say to myself to relieve that thought. The vet telling me that he cat lived to age 22 with many of the same ailments was the guideline I was using. I figured, same vet? Well my girl will live to age 22 also. I looked in her eyes after she went to sleep and her eyes were showing a sign of terror. She went to sleep petrified.One speicalist didn't help matters when she said "She probably was not even aware of what was going on". Not aware that I, her mother was holding her? That I her mother was heading to the door to jump in the car to take her to the ER? I dont' beleve in death and I do not understand why we have it. Quotes from the Bible do not help. I am of a different religion. Sending love and care to all. With love.

[atyyx]

Its been 5 days now since my beautiful cat was put to sleep and im still devastated. I decided to bring his body home from the vet the following day and buried him iny garden. I never realised it would hurt so much when I lost him even though i had been expecting it for a long time. I realise now that people who dont have pets will never understand this pain but its comforting to know there are many out there who share the pain. Cats are beautiful loving animals and i suppose the unconditional unjudgmental companionship leaves us broken when they leave us. I have been looking for a lookalike kitten to try and help my mind stop thinking..i know it may not be the right thing but it helps me...my sympathies go out to all of you who share this terrible grief and i pray we all get through this...

[Callicat45]

My kitty wasn't euthanized, but when she passed I saw the empty look in her eyes and it was like I knew she wasn't in there any more. But that empty look haunts me. I'm sorry for all of your losses. I hope it gets easier.

[Callyus01]

I am so sorry. I have to take my dog Amber tomorrow to have her put to sleep and it is breaking my heart.

[atyyx]

Its over a week now since my lovely tabby left me..it still hurts but im coping a bit better each day. Please all those out there that feel this pain let me assure you that it will get better but the void will still be there.. i keep walking around the house expecting to see him walking around or laying somewhere snoozing but sadly hes not there anymore. Our pets were loved to the best of our abilities and we should treasure our memories with them and and take reassurance in the fact we gave them the best lives which sadly so many animals do not get. Keep strong everyone and treasure the memories of the good times...

[Julie503]

I held my sweet 19 year old cat Cubby as my vet & his techs euthanized him six months ago. I miss him so very much and I hope he is happy and will be there when it's my time. God bless all of you special kind hearted pet lovers.

[Niecy]

My sweet baby boy, Mr. Boots, died suddenly on Friday. We had such a close bond and he was always with me wherever I was in the house, even in the bathroom, from the moment I awoke each day for the last 11 years. He always watched out the window waiting for me to come home. Now there is just emptiness, heartache and tears...and guilt. I heard him make a wiered noise early in the morning and I was awake, but did not get up to investigate. I feel if I had, I may have been able to help him in some way or at least been there with him when he passed. Instead he died in the hallway trying to get to me in the bedroom. He had not been ill and it's just such a sudden shock and I don't know what to do now. I know I was so blessed to have him in my life. He got me through some tough times as well as getting through chemo and radiation for cancer treatment. He was always there to love on me and bring me comfort. I will never be the same. How do I go on? This is so hard and my heart goes out to everyone dealing with their own loss. It is just like losing a member of your family. I thought I would have him a few more years to love and enjoy.

[David Jones]

I hope you found peace... my story is the same all yours and all these others'... my girl seemed to die in the worst way, I did not have the courage to put her to sleep I thought I could save her somehow. We were very close is some psychic ways, but I missed this plea for peace because i didnt want to lose her.
My soul still feels torn 8 months later.... but I also think I have other life problems.... her death just made it ten times worse. I live on but Im not sure why..... I feel like my kid died (I never had kids).

I don't understand this type of loss nor what it means but it just seems cruel...... when does the pain end?

[KayC]

@David Jones I am so sorry for your loss...I lost my 25 year old Kitty over two years ago, I haven't gotten another cat, first time in 50 years I haven't had one.  Just so hard, I still miss her, I always will.  Lost my dog Arlie 4 1/2 months before, my son brought me a puppy a few months later.  But I'd lost another cat, Miss Mocha, in 2016...I miss my family.  I have kids but they rarely contact me, don't come here.  I just lost my sister two days ago.

You ask when the pain ends, I don't think there's a definitive answer to that as we all handle grief differently and have different resilience and our coping skills/adjustment varies.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

I wrote this a few years after losing my husband, I hope something in it helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.