Loss of my mom

[carlysweeney]

August 11th, 2009 will be 1 year since I lost my mom.  She passed away from septic shock, and alcoholism.  These past 7 months have been really rough on me.  My mom and dad split up when I was 9 years old, and from then on she was never in my life.  She moved away with her new boyfriend and my 3 sisters.  I kept in contact with my sisters, but my mom was always too drunk to talk. 

Finally my mom just basically gave up on us, except our youngest sister who was too young to really decide.  I didn't have contact with my mom or my youngest sister for almost 7 years.  She took off and moved to Pennslyvannia and really didn't want anything to do with us.  Its definately hard growing up without your real mom, and feeling that she didn't love you, or want you.  I grew up hating my mom because she was never there and cared about drinking more then her kids.  I know its a disease that some people can't control, but when there is kids involved, you would think that some people would control it.  When I finally got back in contact with my mom, she was sicker then a dog.  She use to be so pretty and have life to her, but when i saw her for the first time in 7 years, I almost couldn't tell it was her.  We kept in contact off and on, and then I got pregnant in July of 08.  I told my mom and being that she missed out on my older sisters first child she didn't wanna miss out on mine.  So she moved back here to New York to be with the family and be there for her grandchildren. 

My mom moved up here on August 9th, 2008 and she died August 11th, 2008.  She had a stroke, and she went 23 minutes without air to the brain.  it was hard.  I still have nightmares of her laying on the hospital bed and watching her die.  Me and my 3 sisters sitting there, as they had to take her off the cooling system that was keeping her alive because they did all the could for her but she was already gone.  Watching her heart beat hit 0 and then flutter back up, haunts me to this day.  I've never watched anyone die before, and it was definately something that I would never want to see again. I have a lot of anger towards my mom, and I really wish that I didn't but it just won't go away.  When she died, I use to go to her grave everyday, and sit there and ask her a bunch of questions.  why weren't you there, why didn't you care, what was so important about alcohol... and I'd bring my sonogram pictures to her grave.. And then when I found out it was a boy, i rushed there to tell her because it was her second grandson... I'm not sure why I always wanted to tell her these things when she was never there.. Maybe because this is a time when most girls want there mom there.. I'm not sure.

I just really miss her and wish that I could talk to her one more time.  To make everything okay, and make my hard feelings for her go away.  It takes time I know that, but it just seems to be getting worse instead of better..

[sadgirl74]

i wish i knew what to say - i am sorry for your pain

[ripscottsheppard]

i know its hard losing your mom. just remember the good times you had with her. and try and keep your mind on something else.

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family