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neveragain

[align=left]My 17 yr old son, without warning, simply shot himself in the head thanksgiving weekeend '07. He was sober and calm, even had to ask the neighbor for a jump for his truck. He told his mom to have a nice day that morning and was dead hours later. There are no words to describe all... and the question of what is going on, why would he do this, how can I find meaning...I feel so guilty, I am his dad. It was my job to protect him and all the self help books in the world cant quiet that truth. I never saw it coming. My only son. I see a dark light. Is there any more grief that can be felt? Could it be even possible? He told me that he had broken up with a girl. I asked if he was ok and he told me that he heard that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Am I to think now that this is not true cause I sure as hell have a hard time understanding it. If a safe home and caring family, medical intervention,churches, and therapy cant save those we love than what can?

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luvumicheal

My thoughts exactly.....its been 3 months and the question still stands...why? and why did'nt I see this coming? with my son it was also his girlfriend of 2 years..they had a fight and had broken up..he had been calling me ...we would discuss the situation for hours....25 years old...take it easy....give her time....If she loves you she'll come back....what did my son do...he waited 2 weeks....and shot himself on a friday at about 7:30 pm....11/2/2007....every morning I wake up its an entourage of thoughts ..all leading to why...what could'nt he tell me....we had spoken about so many other things...why was this any diffrent....then the guilt..who do we blame for this....??? Once again I must say...my life will never be the same....always sad....I feel as you do neveragain(dad) miss em miss em miss em sooo....such a morbid feeling knowing theres nothing we can do about it.....I've been on this site since 11/10/2007 ..8 days after my loss...and during these 3 months ...theres been so many other moms and dads that feel as we do.....we have to take it one day at a time....learn to bear the pain..and keep thinking ..they are in a better place now..away from suffering..and when we pass on....they will be waiting for us....(hugs=O)..)

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annie6

dear Terry,

I wish there was some way to put my arms around you right now. My precious 20-year-old son died in Jun 07 and for the longest time, I truly just wanted to die, to join him. I really think the only reason I'm still here is that I couldn't imagine my husband and daughter grieving doubly. I couldn't do that to them. My own will to live left with my precious boy. But now, there are occasional days when I can stand out on my driveway and feel the sun on my face and imagine my son's joy in where he is now and remember the pain he used to be in--and be happy, for him.

To me, he died of a disease no less terminal than cancer, and there are lots of brilliant oncologists out there who still lose patients to cancer. Maybe there was nothing we could have done for our sons. No matter how hard we may have tried. Please know you are loved. I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back and sharing exactly how you feel. You helped me tonight. Your honesty helped me to understand myself better--and it lifted me. thank you.

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mamabets

For annie6- Is this your son with his little baby here?? What a beautiful picture!!

LOVE

mamabets

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annie6

The little one in the picture is my grandson--Gavin's nephew. He had three little nephews: 4, 2, & 1 year. He was their cherished "Unkie," their momma's only sibling, and he was there from day one in each of their lives. (In fact, on the day little Lincoln--the one in the picture--was born, Gav was on the beach with his Sis helping her time contractions while dad was out surfing!) Luckily, my daughter (Gav's sister) is a photographer and so I have lots of beautiful pictures of him with his nephews. He would watch her kids, clean, do her dishes . . . he was such a lover . . . he made sure to visit them every day. Thanks for asking, Mamabets. Its so healing to talk about him! Introduce me to your boy, will you? I feel so much love for every child represented on this site. I really do. They're all our angels, aren't they? -GavinsMom

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mattewmess

Dear Donna, Thank you so much for your email. I was at a conference. It was hard because the last speaker explained that our kids learn resilence by having unconditional love and high expectations, meaning that we love them no matter what and that we see what is really inside and believe it will come out over time or with maturity. I was so sad, I thought my Matt had this from both parents. My daughter is so angry and taking it out on me, my other son is OK, my husband is running as fast as he can - traveling here and there, concerts, dinners, etc. I am having a hard time with loneliness, Matt was such a force, so energetic, funny, outspoken, loud, etc. It just seems so quiet now. He called me everyday several times a day. He was my baby and I would have had an empty nest soon, but this is too empty, everyone is fractured and moving away from each other, his death has created such a void and so much pain. I am afraid that there is more disconnection than connection. I continue to take the best care I can of myself and my family. I do have his puppy as a companion, he bought a puppy a year ago, I told him that he would leave his dog with me and he said "no way, I really love him". I have tried to include a picture of Matt and of his dog. Thank you again for writing.  Terry (Matt's mom)

post-19434-128153887454_thumb.jpg

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mattewmess

Dear Donna, I thought I sent a picture of Matt, but it was his dog 'Bowser'. I think this is a pic of him. The Bowser picture was the day we took his ashes to Assateague beach at Thanksgiving. Take care, Terry

post-19434-128153887457_thumb.jpg

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mattewmess

Last night I was called to Matt's best friend's house. His girlfriend had broken up with him and he was being so self destructive. Friends and family gathered around him and we stayed with him almost all night and let him cry and scream and punch doors. He went to church this am and is better, I was so glad that I was called and that he told someone how bad he was feeling. I so wish Matt had had the same opportunity. I had just heard a lecture from Dr. Ken Ginsberg about helping teens get all the pain out. I wonder if we shouldn't have weekly events for our kids to get it all out in one way or another, life is hard, and especially without a whole lot of experience under your belt. I miss my baby boy terribly, but was glad to help another young man in trouble. It has been 6 months and there is so much fall out as a result of Matt's suicide with all his friends and his family. I know that Matt would have been so upset at all that is happening, I know they must really be hurting and not thinking to do what they do, these are probably the most sensitive young people, most loving, usually caring for others. Max Lucado has a good chapter in his book 'Traveling Light' where he explains that sometimes God sees how our loved ones are hurting and sends for them so they can rest. I do think that it is a good point - do we want them to return to a place and time that is so painful for them. As much as I miss and love him, I do have to think about this, on and off of meds doesn't seem to matter sometimes. Talking, getting it out, not being alone with all our crazy, self destructive thoughts, guilt, shame, blame, and doubt ............. seems to be the best thing, but where do young men get to do this? I am thinking of all the people on this site today and wishing you peace. Terry

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david35

david hung himself 12/03/07. I found him in our basement. He was a sweet caring person and loved animals. this has been almost more than I can bear. every day I struggle to get thru each day. He was my only child so I have no one to turn my focus on. I feel so alone. I try to stay busy and my friends tell me that I am the strongest person they know but I am not so strong as to handle this. I wish I could have some how helped him but I did not ever dream he would do this and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why. I know this is in vain because I will never know until we meet again in heaven. I feel he is at peace now but I miss him so.

 

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luvumicheal

hI DAVID  MY NAME IS JACKIE i HAVENT BEEN HERE IN A WHILE...MY 1ST BORN SON MICHEAL COMMITTED SUICIDE ON 11/2/2007..HE SHOT HIMSELF..IT WILL BE 5 MONTHS TOMORROW..AND NOT ONE DAY GOES BY WHERE IM NOT SAD AND MISSING HIM...I AS WELL DID NOT EVER EVER THINK HE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS...SOMETHING OF THIS STATURE....I MISS HIM SOO....SO MANY WHAT IFS...AND WHY....YOU ARE NOT ALONE.....

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david35

thank you for your response. It really means a lot that some one knows the pain I feel. I too am new at this so i hope this gets posted.:)..........Glenda

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david35

hi jackie, Im glenda Davids mom. well I woke up this morning to another day of missing my son and feeling this empty hole in my heart. I wonder if this will ever get easier to bear. Yesterday was was 5 months and it still feels like yesterday. thanks for listening.:(

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Glenda, I can remember so vividly how broken my head and heart were at the five month mark of losing Joey.  My heart goes out to you...  If you aren't getting as much response on this thread, please come and join the postings of Loss of a Child--in whatever thread you can feel connected most, Teenage child , Adult child, Faith-based, whatever...  I have noticed that not too many people visit this and some of the other threads regularly.  I don't think it's because of the stigma of suicide as much as it is because the other Loss of a Child threads seem to have a stronger "base community of support".  People there are form all walks of life, in many different countries, and have lost their child in tragic accidents, suicide, murder, and other.  My point is not to detract from this or any other thread, but moreso to hopefully bring some hope to you that there are some good communities of support here that are going very strong and I hope in whatever way you can find a connection.  It's so important for us to feel "not alone" in this journey.  Big Hugs, Claudia

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luvumicheal

Hi Glenda....Its not the point of what threads to go through..Its actually the fact that our wounds are still fresh and sometimes we can feel so isolated...you and I are at the same peak...5 months...Of misery....Sadness...and the non evitable fact that we'll never see them again....I miss my son and see his face and hear his voice every single day....my sadness and misery dosent seem to be getting any better....to go through a suicide is a very difficult thing..for the simple fact that we're left with so many unaswered questions....and then there's that fact....gone....sometimes I dont feel like getting dressed to work or even getting out of bed....In 2 words I can sum up what I've learned about life.....It Sucks!!!!! Just take it day by day glenda...thats all I can say because at this point you just dont know what to think....5 months and Im still in denial....Hang in there =0)....jackie

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4everjoeysmom

I'm sorry.  I wasn't slighting over the issue because I mentioned other threads.  If I offended anyone, please forgive me.  I posted on this topic a few times, but have always noticed the feedback and support is often slow in coming.  Back when loss was so fresh to me I craved having others to identify with and needed to feel less isolated and alone by just hearing from others, that I wasn't invisible in my pain.  That was the only reason I mentioned more active community threads.... 

One of the hardest hurdles for me to cross was knowing I will never have a lot of answers, just a lot of speculation.  It's hard to let go of the want and need to have answers to everything, especially related to my child.  But I am slowly finding peace and letting go...  Again, I am so sorry for your loss.  -Claudia (Joey's Mom)

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