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rhysmum

OH boy...I never thought i would ever be posting a message here :( I lost my son to suicide 17 weeks ago and I am finding it so much harder than ever to cope with.  He  hung himself in my backyard after spending weeks in hospital where I begged his doctor not to let him out but alas..I was told that my son wasnt acute enough enough to need a bed, 2 days later he hung himself.  I am feeling very down and dark right now and i long to be with him as I feel so much guilt that I wasnt there for him.. Not there to hold his hand or kiss him goodbye. So many questions.. too many if onlys...I know my life will never now be the same.  I loved my son dearly and I had been helping him for 2 years with his depression only to be let down by our mental health system.  I am searching for answers and I am fighting the urge so badly to be with him. I know deep down that isnt what he would want but life without him now is too painful.  I find myself barely making it through each day. Not living...just existing.  I keep reliving his last hour of his life through my head and I feel as though I am going insane.I go through the motions.....I just dont think that I have the strength to get through this. I dont seem to have any friends anymore..They have all abandonded me..why?.. My son didnt deserve this..He was sick...If he had cancer..would he of been thrown out of hospital?......I yearn to hold him again and tell him everything will be alright.  My tears are flowing daily and my heart  has been shattered. How do I make it through? Are there any answers?

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Rhysmum,  I am so very sorry for your loss.  It is so sad that you both were abandoned and let down by a system that is supposed to be good and helpful.  I wonder if there is any proactive measure you can begin to bring awareness to such a tragedy and travesty, as publucly displayed as you can, so that this may not happen to another dear parent and child, or anyone.  It could be a continuation of Rhy's legacy that could help others for a very long time into the future.  It could be something to give you purpose and meaning into the "what now" part of life, which is so very hard in itself.

It is not uncommon for people and friends to abandon us, run the other way after such a tragic loss.  People are so frightened at reality and think perhaps they might catch "our loss" in their own lives.  It's horribly painful and quite insensitive, but this is how society overall has been conditioned to respond.  I'm so sorry for your lonliness, your pain and suffering.  There is nothing like losing a child.  I know.  Please come and visit the Loss of a Child Forum here, where many of us come together regularly to support one another and share our stories and the vibrant lives of our kids who have gone too soon.  It's a very sad club, but it helps so much to know we aren't walking this path alone.  My herat and prayers go out to you...  HUGS, Claudia--JoeysMom

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mikesmum

[user=18584]rhysmum[/user] - Those who write know the places you speak of.  The darkness, the neverending whys,  reliving of the days, months, weeks and years of his life trying to find answers, wanting the outcome to change and for him to be home. 

Seeking help for your son must have seemed like speaking another language.  Hearing he was not acute enough for a bed does nothing to acknowledge that fact that as his mum you knew he was at great risk.  It amazes me that the one person that knows your child inside out and can identify his lowest point is overlooked when they assess them for treatment or assistance.

To want to go to him, hold him and tell him you love him, normal.  To know in your heart things might have been different if he had the help he needed, real.  To find you are alone is something that happens.  I liken it to people standing around an accident scene.  They oooh and arrrh, but hestitate to step up or offer assistance for many reasons.  Some just don't know what to do and others, well they truly feel a sense of relief that it isn't them.

Your journey is just beginning. Harsh to hear but remember you certainly are not alone. If you have a computer and the ability to type, those of us who have lost our children are listening!

I miss my son so much, I watched him struggle for many years with debilitating illness and depression from the treatments.

10 months on I know in my heart the the pain he felt while here has now left  him.  While I can't hold him talk directly to him or see him, I have to wonder if having him back to ease my pain would not mean he would have to suffer all over again.

Just know you are never alone - Trudi

 

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rhysmum

Thankyou so much for your kind words. It means so much to me and just knowing I am not alone  and having somewhere to go and talk  gives me relief and comfort.

 

I  have realised that I didnt put my sons age up on my first post....He was 16 and eight months. He would be turning 17 on the 12th November. This is going to be tough, I am yet to work out the best way I am able to spend his special day.

I have put a picture up of my son which is the last photo of him taken by his girlfriend.

Once again thankyou so much to everyone on here for understanding the pain that I am feeling right now.

 

post-18584-128153886056_thumb.jpg

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rhysmum

Dear Mikes mum

I have pondered over what you replied..... Having our children back to ease their pain and  having them suffer all over again. Makes a lot of sense to me, but I am being selfish I guess when I say him want back on my terms..not his.

Its really strange..I am not yet able to get angry at Rhys , only the medical system , which really needs an overhaul in this country. This is almost an epidemic which nothing ever seems to be done about. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my purpose in life now and what it all means to me..as a mum.  I resent the fact that Rhys was taken from me so early, so much to do yet , never seeing him grow into a man hurts .  I cant stand going to shopping centres now and seeing mums with their teenage boys. I believe this is all quite normal...whatever that is?....I dont feel i will ever be" normal" again.

I have questioned God countless times..why why why?

Im sorry..I just needed to vent....Feels like this site is the only place that truly understands how I am feeling right now.

Thx guys:)

 

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luvumicheal

hello ..my name is jackie and I also  lost my 1st born micheal to suicide....something I never thought would ever touch my so beautiful family....It just happened 11/2/07..on a friday..never did I think that on that day..my life would never be the same....my world has been totally shattered...my son got drunk ,and put a gun to his head......I can tell you that I feel your pain....my son was 25 years old..good job..nice apartment..he had so much going for him.....very handsome also.....I also have if onlys I wake up every morning thinking about my son..now knowing that ...once upon a time...I had my beautiful boy...and now for some reason that I will never now..my son ended his existence in this world.....never..never did I think this would happen to me....and I am so hurt and feel so alone.....what happened?...Why?....no one could ever say they know the feeling unless they have gone through something like this.....but I'm just letting you know ..that I feel your pain..and I know what you are going through....just keep saying as I do.....He chose what was best for him...and he is now resting...from what was tormenting him...rest in peace my beloved son..you will be in mommies heart always......

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lovejohn

Hi, my name is Donna and I lost my 25 year old son on April 9th of this year.  I feel your pain and your loss.  Like your son, my son was beautiful, kind and loved.  He had a special female friend, a good job and bright future.  After searching for answers for 8 months I have concluded that he was bi-polar.  He was never properly diagnosed and I don't know that I would have ever been able to sort this out without the help of an exceptional psychologist whom I have been seeing since John died.  From birth to age 19, John was fine.  He was extremely gifted in academics and sports.  He was a star football and baseball player and he was identified and tested in the second grade as being exceptionally intelligent.  He was as beautiful on the inside as the outside.  At age 19 John began to experience difficulties and he sought out medical help.  He was diagnosed as having OCD.  He spent the next 6 years spiraling up and down.  It was obvious to me or others close to him, but evidently he was living a private hell.  I never really saw the OCD and I challenged the diagnoses after his death.  I began reading everything I could find and I quickly dismissed OCD and through reading identified with bi-polar.  Bi-polar can range from being so severe that the individual is institutionalized to so mild that you don't ever diagnose it.  My psychologist, who would never pass an official opinion on his condition because she did not know him, agrees with my theory.  I have even gone onto a website for bi-polar and taken a test for determining "if your child is bi-polar".  At one time they thought that bi-polar only effected adults, but they are not finding children who are bi-polar.  At the time of his death, he was seeing a psychiatrist who never test him for bi-polar, but was treating for depression.  Anyone, who is thought to be suffering from depression, should be tested for bi-polar because the medications for the two are distinctly different and if misdiagnosed, the medications can cause adverse effects.  John spent his adult life knowing that something was wrong; seeking help from supposedly highly qualified professionals; only to be misdiagnosed and tortured to the point of taking his life.  As a society, we are so advanced in treating physical illness, but we are absolutely incompetent in treating mental illnesses.  If only I had known.  I trusted the doctors and John hid many of symptons from me to avoid worrying me.  Our children protects us as we protect them.  And yes, I think every day about the "but if".  But only if he had opened up to me I could have helped him and he would still be here with me.  I take each day one at a time.  I never know when the pain will hit.  I will tell you that after 8 months the pain is still raw, but you are able to think about him and not always feel an overwhelming sorrow.  I keep reminding myself that God blessed me with a beautiful child and that, while our time together was way too short, I am thankful for those very special 25 years.  At some point and time, I want to find a way to pass on my experience to other parents.  If John had gotten proper counseling in lieu of having a cocktail of pills shoved at him, I believe he would be here with me today.  It is too easy to take a pill and not going for the 50 minute counseling session each week, but the counseling is the right choice.  May God Bless You and Help you endure.  I'm here if you want to talk.

Donna

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luvumicheal

hello donna....thats another thing about this horrible expierience I am going through....My son had  moved out of my house at the age of 22...3 years ago...he had his moments..like any other growing young adult would ..a particular man...but nothing that I would take as a disorder or mental disability....after this happend ...many things start surfacing....talk ..from his friends..and also from my younger son....claiming my son was not only bi-polar..he had severe depression..(which I never saw) ....schizophrenia....supposebly...there were times where he claimed people were out to get him and were going to kill him....these things are surfacing now....and this is making it worse for me to deal with this whole thing....where did this come from? It hurts that I never knew or even picked up on it..because then maybe if I had known we could of gotten him help..and maybe...just maybe ..this would of never happend... its only been 35 days...and my mornings are the most difficult....1 more day.....1 more day.....

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lovejohn

I understand and believe me when I tell you that while the pain never goes away, you somehow find peace.  Are you in counseling?  What's going on with our kids today?  Why all of the depression, bi-polar, OCD, ADD....?  I keep feeling like I need to do "something"; something that will prevent another mother from feeling our pain.  We can't keep loosing these precious children.  Like you, I really struggled with trying to understand why everyone seem to know more about my son than I did.  John's dad and I had divorced when he was 2 1/2.  We were not only son/mom, we were best friends.  It wasn't bitter divorce.  His dad remarried and I remarried when John was 12.  The four of us adults all loved him and we got along really well.  In fact, I would consider his step-mom one of my best friends; she is beautiful and she loved John as though her were her biological son.  John was the perfect child- beautifull outside; never a problem in school; a star athlete; brilliant.....and then at 19 things started to happen.  His first semester at college his girlfriend got pregnant.  Things began to spiral.  They say that bi-polar is often brought on by stress.  The story is long.  Perhaps we could benefit by talking.  If you would like to talk, I'm here.  I can be reached in the evening, 571-431-6968.  I live in Arlington VA.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

Donna

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mikesmum

[user=18584]rhysmum[/user] wrote:

Dear Mikes mum

I have pondered over what you replied..... Having our children back to ease their pain and  having them suffer all over again. Makes a lot of sense to me, but I am being selfish I guess when I say him want back on my terms..not his.

Its really strange..I am not yet able to get angry at Rhys , only the medical system , which really needs an overhaul in this country. This is almost an epidemic which nothing ever seems to be done about. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my purpose in life now and what it all means to me..as a mum.  I resent the fact that Rhys was taken from me so early, so much to do yet , never seeing him grow into a man hurts .  I cant stand going to shopping centres now and seeing mums with their teenage boys. I believe this is all quite normal...whatever that is?....I dont feel i will ever be" normal" again.

I have questioned God countless times..why why why?

Im sorry..I just needed to vent....Feels like this site is the only place that truly understands how I am feeling right now.

Thx guys:)

 

Rhysmum - this is the place to vent, to express and find some acceptance and acknowledgement of how you feel and about the  loss that can never be explained.

Micheals death has yet to be certified as suicide.  There is a question over the timeframe from when his partner found him uncons, till she returned 30mins later and called an ambulance.  Coroner is still investigating.

Luvumicheal (Jackie) Beautiful butterfly.  Worried when I didn't find you on the other posts.  So pleased you have found your way here.  One step at a time is the only way to go.  Any counselling being offered to you? 

Thinking of you always.....

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luvumicheal

hi donna...I read your post and I just wanted to say ..that you are right..it has been 8 months for you.....and the pain is still raw...but as time goes by you think about them but you dont feel that horrible overwhelming pain in your heart..little by little the pain seems to ease....especially (I Guess) when you dream with them... I had a another dream with my son....Its a little foggy..but I do remember hugging him...and asking him why did he do it...this is actually the second time that I've been able to take control of the dream and ask him the question...the first time I asked him  he said he was tired of stepping on peoples feet....this time he shrugged his shoulders and like brushed it off then hugged me....I also remember something weird about the dream   that came to me in the evening ....as I hugged him I remember touching his head...and feeling stitches....weird huh....as I'm sitting here typing thoughts of my son come in and out of my head.....donna ..I have your number and will be calling you very soon.....(lots of hugs)

jackie

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luvumicheal

hello trudi.... yes I am recieving counseling....It seems to help a little...but sometimes when I'm on my way over ..I start to think about why this is happening to me..or that I'm actually in phsycotherapy because of what happend..and  I start feeling depressed....sometimes I feel ok..other times I feel yucky....sometimes my heart hurts...sometimes it dosent.... I have all these feeling that come up one by one unexpected..and I dont know how to control them....I feel alone like noone understands what I'm going through...sometimes wishing god would punish other people as he's punished me...so that they could understand the hurt and what I'm going through...I go to other sites to relieve my anxiety and depression...to learn about other people who have also lost their sons to suicide....they're the ones who know my pain....although no matter how you put it....its funny cause either way you suffer...I think to myself..my son took his life...he wanted out?..this is what he wanted?..it hurts that he took his own life away...then I think..would it have been better if his life was taken anoher way...and you think ..NO..because then the thoughts  would be..he didnt want to die..he was taken when he didnt want to go..so either way ITS STILL GONNA HURT THE SAME WAY...for this simple reason..suicide..sickness, accidental, or homicidal....THEY'RE GONE.....

thank you for thinkin of me trudi..you are the first wonderful  person I spoke to when I was in desperate need of a friend..that you are!!!!   jackie

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lovejohn

Jackie:

Interesting dreams.  I lost my brother at the age of 42.  About 6 months after his death, he came to me in a dream.  It was him; no doubt.  We hugged and cried and he keep saying "I'm ok, I'm ok".  When I woke up I was hysterical.  As I read through all of these emails I keep thinking about what can we do.  We have to make a difference.  We have to organize and think of how to help others.  There is too much of this and it is so grossly misunderstood by our society. 

Donna

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luvumicheal

[user=18670]luvumicheal[/user] wrote: my handsome boy....what went wrong? mommy misses u sooo much

heres my boy...

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lovejohn

He is beautiful; all of our babies are beautiful.   Think of him in Heaven looking down on you and smile for him.  Search for happiness in the memories and remind yourself that he is at peace.  Find a coat or a shirt; one of his.  Wrap it around you and cry.  I do that often with John's clothes and it always makes me feel better.  I spray his cologne on a T-shirt and I hold it in my arms at night when I go to bed.  You are blessed to have had such a wonderful son.

Thinking of you and praying for you,

Donna 

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jeremysmomy

[user=18584]rhysmum[/user] wrote: Hi my name is Lorraine,

I am knew to this and I am not sure if my message is being posted it.

My heart goes out to you,

Anyway i just want you to know I feel sure pain.My son Jeremy hung himself at the age of 17 on knew years eve many years ago in 2003.So I really understand what your going trough.I feel so sad for you and wish I can hug you or all of you for that matter.So please feel free to get back to me.I would like to show you a pic of my son but I don't even know how to use this site yet.smile

Just to let you know your not going crazzy when you start seeing him or thinking he is talking to you because he will talk to you even,you will feel him cracking jokes to you or telling you to smart up ..what ever his personality was when he was with you is the same way he will try to talk to you.I know I experienced all of it and I could not tell anyone because they thought I was crazzy and did not have a clue.So in that I felt so alone and could not enjoy telling people.Jeremy appeared to me so many ways.We had a inside joke about the bathroom door and he could not stand it when I left the door open when he was older.You know Teens.He would get up during the night I would think no one would get up but you he would so he would go by the bathroom and scream at me to shut the damm door.Anyway about 6 months later I moved into a knew place and I would leave the door open all the time knowing I had know one to worry about.Well to my surprise Jeremy showed up on the top of the stair case for 3 days in a row.I am seriouse!!! .I would see him like a vision in his orange T-shirt with his skate board in his hands.So on the third day it was really concerning me if I was just seeing things.I said to him Jeremy why are you standing their your scaring me are you trying to talk to me.He smiled and said MOM such the DAMM door and he laughed and disapeared.I never seen him again.I laughed for days and until now I feel him sometimes.I know they show up.smile

Hope this will engourage you or someone reading this.Your not going crazzy if you talk to them or see them.bye for now,

I am hear if you need to talk.

Lorraine:P

 

 

 

 

me.Are you trying to tell me something?He was smiling at me  Thankyou so much for your kind words. It means so much to me and just knowing I am not alone  and having somewhere to go and talk  gives me relief and comfort.

 

I  have realised that I didnt put my sons age up on my first post....He was 16 and eight months. He would be turning 17 on the 12th November. This is going to be tough, I am yet to work out the best way I am able to spend his special day.

I have put a picture up of my son which is the last photo of him taken by his girlfriend.

Once again thankyou so much to everyone on here for understanding the pain that I am feeling right now.

 

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jeremysmomy

Hello, Yur son's picture is so cute.He remind's me of my son's best friend.    

Hon I understand how you feel.Has for me I felt very angry at the doctors.My son was very sick with Castelmans desiese (did cancer check ups for10 years with him).I would tell his doctor he was depressed and they would just ask him if he was.Of course Teen's would say mom's crazy.So the doctor would say I can't help him if he will not talk to me.Anyway my son took his life on knew Years Eve/ 2003 in his motel room with tv/cable cord. So I do understand the stages of anger, being mad at the world and also doctors and mad at myself and the blame I felt for his death.Also the quilt for not being thier or helping him.I still deal with the quilt.I sometimes hate myself still,that is how I feel and I am still trying to stop blaming myself.I did my best when I was sufering from my own depression.I just know now God is helping me tell my story to maybe help other mothers and start loving myself day by day.

 

To make matters worse I kicked my son out of the house because he was so rebellious and did small drugs and did not care about school.I wanted to teach him tough love. I loved him so much and I myself was suffering from depression because of being a single mother dealing with his sickness wich I had dream's for 3 year's seeing him in a cofffin and I did not tell him.He had a terminal illness and I knew he would not live a long life.I was a mess and I am sure he was too because he knew his illness.He would not talk to a councelor or get help.So it was hell for 10 years going back in forth to the hospital out of town on a single income. It was hell for us and my dauhter Jen wich also found her father dead at 17 he was dead for 5 days when she found him.So as a mother I was so warn out caring for my two teenagers.I became so depressed and suicidal I could not get out of bed and go to work.So I kick my son out because he would not get help or stay in councelling.So I told him to leave.In canada kids could sign out of councelling at 15 or 16 so how in the hell can you raise a child and get them treatment.Something needs to change.So that is when I decided to kick him out so he would smarten up and listen to me.Well I did my best and I lost my son to suicide and it kills me to this day.He even pulled out his braces out with pliers the night he hung himself in his motel room on Knew years eve.Never left me a note .But I did get to see him that night and he gave me this big hugg and kiss.... we had a nice visit in his room.He then went to a Knew years party and said I love you mom thanks for comming to visit me tonight.It was so warm and i felt his love.I quess he was saying good bye.

I think I have  been trough alot of sorrow and can understand aot of mothers, if you need to talk I will be a shoulder to cry on if you need to. 

Hon hope my story can help you not to blame yourself.Your son was so tired emotionaly like my son trying to fight depression and know one can help him in this world we live in, so he went home to rest in his heavenly fathers harms.He knew God would understand his pain.

 

PS/ Your angel,

Lorraine

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mattewmess

Hello, My son's name is Matthew, he was 20 and he hung himself 8/26/07. He probably had bipolar disease but I didn't get it and I am a nurse practitioner that works with children in a pediatrician's office. I help other kids all the time and even my kids friends. I just feel sick everyday that I get up. I miss him so much it hurts. Now in hindsight everything is so clear. I just wish he had been diagnosed correctly and received a mood stabilizer. He was on an antidepressant and of course, got worse. But he would not tell his dad and I what was really going on. I can't even imagine the hell he lived with in his mind. He was so physically health, natural athlete, surfer, talented musician, funny, sensitive, caring, ..... just beautiful. It just seems so unreal. I am fortunate I have so many friends, family, patient's families that love and help me but the hole in my heart just burns and the only peace I know is sleep. I know Matt would yell at me to "just get over it, it happened, it's done, get going!". I know it would break his heart to see me like this. I read a book that suggested these message boards. I am new to this kind of stuff. I have two grown kids left and am trying to stay strong, but the energy that that requires is exhausting. I am sorry for all those out there in my shoes. I would never wish this on anyone. Thank you, Terry

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lovejohn

I'm not computer saavy, so if anyone can help me understand how to distribute this to the widest audience possible, I would appreciate it.  I am very interested in knowing if any of our loved ones were taking prescription medication.  After almost a year of evaluating all of the circumstances surrounding my son's death, it all seems to point back to one thing, prescription medication.  From age 0 to 19 there were no problems.  At the age of 19, he "diagnosed" himself with OCD and elected to seek out chemical intervention at the recommendation of a psychiartrist.  When you look at the cocktail of drugs they put him on for the next 6 years, it is heart wrenching.  He got to the point where the hated the drugs because they have so many adverse side effects and yet, I think he was convinced he could not live without them.   I think that the drugs cause a chemical imbalance in the brain and that even when you stop taking them, the effect is still persistent.  I am convinced the drug is the disease.  I just did a research paper on prescription drugs and it was a real eye opener for me. 

I would love to talk to other parents who had children who were on prescription medication and subsequently committed suicide. 

Please respond to my personal e-mail:  drsukkar@hotmail.com

 

Donna

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luvumicheal

hi donna ...I believe we've spoke before....my son was also 25 ...and like your boy I believe he was also bi-polar....25 years was all that was given to us...my son left us 11/2/2007 ...and nothing has been the same....I miss him each day more and more....I had a dream with him on sunday ....I hadnt dreamt with him since 11/11/2007....spending each day and night asking if he could come see me...I thought it would make me feel better seeing him..but no it did not....although he looked happy in my dream..and he seemed to be glowing....like a shining light.....I still woke up to reality...he's not here...making me more depressed than what i was...now I'm back at step one....missing him more and more everyday..wondering why he decided to terminate his life and terminated my world......I do not feel the same about life..even though I have 3 more children ...my 23 year old son and my twin daughters age 14....My first born is really needed here...and all I feel is sorrow....I hate going to the cemetary....I hate having to go step on my son while he's buried 6 feet under the gound....I hate it...I hate how god had punished me and my question is why????? why me..why my boy.....my life now is wondering when I'm going to die..dosent seem to be coming soon enough....day by day as I wake up in the morning..my thoughts are 1 more day.....1 more day without my son....107 days...and it still feels like yesterday...I miss his calls ..I miss his kiss his hug..and his conversation.....what do I do???? ....hanging on...

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luvumicheal

to a certain point I wonder..now that you say the medication just seems to make things worse.....I am convinced that although my son probably had bi-polar or paranoia.....he wasnt the type of person to consider seeing a doctor about mental problems.....or for that matter taking medication....so where do we fall..our children in this day and age suffering from diffrent types of depression....where the medication thats being prescribed is not helping..but making things worse....I mean ..god!!!!!....us as parents..suffering parents!!!!!..what do we do?

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