Grief and the Court System

[sameersmom]

Thank you for your replies. WE are trying to get the school to issue a retraction saying that they had no right to announce that there was no alcohol. We are also trying to get an aducational campaign where one does not start one engines till all passengers have seat belts on and also states do not drink and drive.

Sameers mom

[willsmom]

Sameersmom---I have to say, I do agree with Denise (ribitsmom)--She is right when she says the sooner the better, because you do forget things, even if you think you won't...so if you are going to go after your situation, she is right...get moving. I just was trying to be safe in my responses, but she is right---You need to remember, and you will need all involved (family, friends, etc.) to have the best recollection that they can. She has often helped me alot with things that just slip your mind, because it is YOUR situation, not ours. We all get locked up in our thoughts and the process, and sometimes need a new outlook from a third party, who is more objective. If you want to get'em---start now...or write it all down. I have kept every single thing I have ever collected, sent or received; try and do the same. She is also right when she told you that being on this "mission" to find and exacute justice, helps avert you from your grief, you feel like you doing something positive in a horrible situation...All good advice...she is a good girl!! Smart too. Boy, I have to say I love this board...everyone tries to do the right thing for all who post for help....Kudos to us all! Hope Easter is kind to everyone...Keep us posted and stay strong!!!WillsMom~~Allyson--my e-mail is gbush@rose.net...and any questions we can always IM---on yahoo--I am allysonb516---All welcome to drop a note or IM---Take care and digest all this. from your post things already seem to be changing, in your favor, so go for the throat...and figure out your avenue...Allyson

[sameersmom]

Thank you for the suggestion. There are two pools here in the city. One who thinks we are crazy and that it was just an accident and that we are mean people who want to make things worse. There is another who understands our story of the alcohol and the father trying to tell people that his son wasnt drunk after the alcohol was positive 2 hours 10 minutes after the accident and anyone can extrapolate backwards ( the field sobriety test was also positive). The suburb was an exclusive rich people haven and the police did not call us about the accident, nor did the family who had the party( the driver lost control at the end of their driveway and crashed within their subdivision). The first call we got was from the chaplain at the hospital and I have always wondered why someone who claims to have fond memories of my child playing in their yard with their younger children did not have the heart to let me know that my child was dying. They however did call the drivers parents because " he was incoherent".

[willsmom]

I just typed and was cut off...I can help you find a good attorney in Fla., Ga., Tx.,-----You wanna kick some ass...I can lend a little help. I love my attorneys......just talking off the cuff, let me know..Willsmom---who I am missing this evening....Allyson

[willsmom]

Another thing...money is lame----do not be afraid of that...Half the folks on

Money is nothing----trust me----stay your path...

[sameersmom]

Thank you for the reply. I was on TV talking about the alcohol and the need to change laws in missouri. This helped in calming my anger. The place I work at put out a newsletter and I have had an amazing request for my Promise to Sameer campaign literature and volunteers to forward the cause.

[willsmom]

Computer finally behaving. I saw this and it made think; so I wanted to share it....

"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone, whom we love, and it would be wrong to try and find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say God fills the gap; God doesn't fill it, but on the contrary, keeps it empty and so helps us keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of great pain"~~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I found this thought provoking. WillsMom~~Allyson

P.S. How is everyone doing??? Well, I hope.

[joshsmom]

Wills Mom,

I like reading things like that. It gets you thinking and sometimes just gives that something to keep you from losing it! I have been thinking so much lately about Josh and how terrible it is not having him here with me!~ Then something happens to remind me that he is here, just in a different way and maybe not as often as I think, but he's around!

Sorry to not have posted for awhile, I've been hit by the flu bug and just am not feeling the greatest!

Take care,

Sue (Josh's Mom)

[tomysmom]

Dear Samseersmom:

I seem to have gone thru something similiar to you. On July 11, 2003 my son, Tom (20) two months short of his 21st birthday attended a party. The parents were out at a wedding. Some of the kids were underage, some were not. The parents came home and told the kids to all sleep over. (no keys were taken, no parents called). My son ended up leaving --the parents lack of action, the dad told me a week after my son was killed that my son appeared fine!! I guess my idea of fine and his are different.The girls did not stop them. My son died as a passenger, the driver is serving time in prison. I found out the next morning when I realized my son did not come home. I knew something was wrong, he always came home.... The state prosecuted the driver.It was a nightmare. It took two months to file charges and 18 months to go to court, where he eventually pleaded guilty...Our state min. is 3 years, he will serve about 1 1/2 years for a life!!!!!!!!!! It wasn't just this kids fault. It was also the parents. Do what you feel you need to do. Email me anytime.

Tomysmom

[Guest Guest]

I ran across this website and in particular this discussion board when researching. I have never been in the situation that each of you brave women have been, so I am not even going to begin to try to act like I understand what each of you is going through. I am rather neive in this situation, and thus have a few questions (I hope not to offend anyone, not my intention, if I do I am terribly sorry). Is revenge really the answer? Or is it not revenge that each of you seek, but rather answers? And if that is the case, are there any real answers?

[willsmom]

I can easily an your question(s), even though I do not like responding to someone, who refers to themselves as merely a "Guest", but I can understand your wondering why anyone one of us would put ourselves through such torment, suffering and anguish: Justice. Justice for the child who should have never died; Justice for the child who was denied the chance at life; Justice for their lives in general. Accountability is a BIG issue with me, which probably basically boils down to answers. ALL answers. Revenge?? Revenge is something that is really an impossiblity. Revenge never entered my mind, everthing was already gone, so what can I exactly be hoping to seek revenge for? As far as there being "real answers"---Yes, there are answers. Answers to how things went this way, why they happened, who could have stopped it; whether it be a stop sign, easy access to drugs, or inadequate medical care or just a plain murderer...Yes, there are answers. The ultimate answer will come only from God, but there are earthly answers, and us as parents and human beings have the right to have our questions answered to the best of the ability of the court system. I hope you never loose someone that was in an unjust manner, I hope you never loose anyone that hasn't lived to be 80, and enjoyed life to the fullest. I hope this clears it up for you. This is from my perspective only. I have way to much respect for the others here to speak for them...I only speak with them. WillsMom

[ribitsmom]

I too, can only speak for myself, I can't even speak for my husband or my son. In the beginning we went to a lawyer because we were told to. In the beginning we were too numb to think clearly; a police officer told us to obtain a lawyer, doctor that my huband knows told us that we needed to see a lawyer, these were people we trusted and followed there advise, initially. After seeing the lawyer we realized many reasons we needed to file a wrongful death suit. For me, the main reason is to be sure the loss of life doesn't happen again...do I have rose colored glasses on? Probably, I know that I am only one person and I can't change everything, but I can honestly say that if I can change the way the DOT allows trains to go through intersections, then I will. If it takes hurting the RR in the pocket to have them look closer at the way the crossings oporate, then I will do it. Will any amount of money make me happy? NO. Will any amount of money bring my daughter back? NO. Will any amount of money be concidered revenge? NO.

I think each of us are taking someone/someones to court for a sense of closure. Our child/children were taken from us in ways that are devistating to us, not that other losses aren't devistating, just that these losses are unexpected and some in manners that are unexceptable to us as parents.

[tomysmom]

To answer your questions from my point of view. I too agree there is no revenge. One of the most important things in my life is gone - never to return. I too want accountablility!! Did I get it?? Not really. The young man responsible upon advise of his attorney, never said he was sorry til we reached the sentencing hearing. I honestly felt he was hoping for leniency from the judge. I'm mad at the parents who continue to let their underage sons and daughters drink at home, thinking it's okay. This grief is like a hole in your stomach, it never goes away, he may scar over, but your life is NEVER the same. In some ways I have grown, I'm more religious now. I live more for each day because life is uncertain...but I'm also mentally fragile. Every time I go by a car accident it triggers those grief spasms. I will never see my son, get married, have children (whom he loved), grow up. But I will see his friends graduate from college, get married, have children. If he died of an illness I don't think I will feel like this. He died or should I saw was killed because of someone's negilence.... If only I could prevent this from happening to others...

I hope you never have to belong to our group.

[chels1003]

To all of us here willing to say who we are and what we are dealing with when a stranger steps in, the honestly is commendable. But when and if a stranger steps in asking for your feelings, although there is nothing to hide, I'd question the intent.

Especially if they are "researching". How does one "research" raw emotion?

Just wondering if our "guest" is willing to elaborate.

[chels1003]

ps. if it's obvious I don't trust much, how can I not. I trusted once and it cost me my daughters life.

[kirksdad]

I have a very strong problem with the word revenge, guest. I look to the words justice and hope. Hope that what happened to people going through this that the message is sent it can\'t happen again. And justice for a child\'s life which many have been lost do to someone else's problems. To even use the word revenge as the topic of discussion here does offend me. To \"listen\" in on what is going on and really feeling llke that is the main objective is just plain wrong. This is a place to talk about feelings and those feelings are very messed up when one loses a child. This is one of the few places a person can go to discuss and say what one wants. So many times what is said is not even an option, just a way a releasing all the pain and hurt one suffers going through this. Thank God, there is a place one can release, but it isn\'t revenge, it is trying to find a way to make sure these things don\'t happen again to someone else\'s child. Our justice system is a mess, the victim has no rights while the person who is neglegent has all the rights. Justice is blind, but I sometimes feel she is also deaf and dumb.

[chels1003]

Kirksdad, everything you said is perfect.

Every responding post had nothing to do with revenge. Just trying to make sense of all that each of us is trying to make sense of.

Justice is deaf, dumb and blind. if it weren't,we'd not be here.

[willsmom]

I can only say..."Guest" has hauled ass---excuse me---but I love that we all stand together....I would LOVE a reply....doubt we will get it...Hmmmmm. WillsMom

[joshsmom]

To "Guest"

All I am willing to say about your post and question is this.....

If you ever, and I pray you never do, but if you ever have a child that you love unconditionally and clear to your soul, which I can say, without a doubt, each of us here, did, and this child is ripped away from you and you have to continue to live your life as if nothing has changed, or at least act as if nothing has changed, then you come back here and join our discussion. Only then will you know the gut wrenching pain and unbeleivable anquish we deal with each and every day without that child!

Revenge.........what is wrong with you? That's all you got out of reading the posts on here.......reread them and try again, it's called grief! And that's putting it mildly!

[willsmom]

Joshsmom---is right on.

[Guest Guest]

I am new at this and I dont know if I am in the right place. I am a sgt. in the 82nd airborne division and me and my wife were blessed with a beautyful baby boy named brandon on the 29th of aug. last year. He was born with 4 major heart defects and had to had open heart sugery and was hooked up to an ECMO life support thing for 2 weeks. We couldnt do anything but watch him die. I dont know how to deal with it since at my job I can not show fear or my personal life interfearing with the daily grind. I train and lead soldiers into combat and I CAN NOT BE WEAK. But inside it hurts and I dont want to get out of bed in the morning. Does this ever go away? Can I be normal again? With the war and this and then 3 weeks after we burried brandon we watched our appartment burn in flames because of the dumbass next to us. WHY DOES GOD DO THIS? I know I have sins on me because I have lived for 25 years but why my son? WHAT DID HE DO? He was perfect in every way. And that boy never cried once. Even with the tubes in his chest. They had him on enough sedation to knock out my entire company BUT HE STILL OPENED HIS EYES. He was a paratrooper just like his daddy. But sometimes daddy doesnt think he is strong enough to keep up going on. Daddy doesnt know what to do. Does anyone know what to do. This was our first child and it is tearing our marrage apart. I love my wife but I act like I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I dont want revenge I WANT MY BOY. I dont know what to do. Please help.

[ribitsmom]

Guest...I am sooooo sorry about the loss of your son, Brandon. YES, you are in the right spot to talk about your grief, your fear, your confusion. The thread that you posted on is for parents that are dealing with court systems, but we have all lost a child and you can post in this link as often as you want, we will all listen, give our support and try to help you heal.

There is also a thread for parents that lost a young child; you may want to also look into that thread.

I understand the confusion with being in a position where you are not to show your feelings, if they happen to be considered weak; I think that is so unfair. My husband was in the Marine Corps and has the same thought process...show no weakness. I feel that this is not healthy, we need to express our sorrow or we will eventually destroy ourselves.

Grief and your marriage; grief is so difficult on a marriage, you are each grieving but you are doing it in different ways and I found that when my husband didn’t grieve the way I thought he should I became angry with him. I said cruel things to him and the minute it was out of my mouth I regretted it, but it was too late, I could apologize all I wanted, but the damage was done. I think that the best thing the both of you can do is talk, talk and talk. Allow each other to vent and to cry and to do whatever the other needs to do to help them through this awful, awful time.

Keep posting, I was without my daughter for about 1 ½ years before I found this website and was no further along in my grief than the first month after our loss…this website has given me an outlet, it has given me other parents that have been through the same loss that I have been through. What I found was that NO ONE understands your loss like another parent going through the same loss.

My thoughts are with you, and I wish you some peace of mind.

Denise

[kirksdad]

Guest, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I have to tell you that the pain will ease with time, but it takes a little while and never quite goes completely away. I can't imagine the stress you are going through. To have a child pass on is so painful, but I am guessing in your line of work the stress is major and this will only add to what has to be a huge task anyway.

As for you marriage, it is hard to grieve together. Each of us is individual and we grieve in our own way. The best thing is really to be able to talk with each other about it and realize that each of you will feel and act in your own way. This is extremely hard on a marraige. Being the male part of the equasion makes it even worse. We are expected to be strong no matter what, even though inside we are breaking apart.

It isn't fair and never will be to have to go through anything like this. We start loving our children even before they are born, they are such a miracle. When all of that turns upside down, so does our world, it is never the same again. I can say though that we can get back some of our life, but it really is hard work. It sounds like you are use to hard work and will be able to survive.

I have to say I admire what you do and am 100% behind you. Keep trying, work sometimes helps us get through the day becuase it gets our minds on other things. It is the down time that really is painful and allows us to think way too much.

Your wife is going through so much right now. Please talk to her and try to understand that each of you have lost the most precious thing in the world a parent could lose. It tears each of you apart in different ways. Knowing how that works, how each of you are feeling, how each of you need to be understood will only help you out. Working though this with someone that understands is very important.

[willsmom]

Guest: I would like to know more about your dearly departed sons' conditions. I can help you with many sites, that can lead you to answers, but why not tell us this from the beginning?

Everyone here is as helpful and kind as anyone can be. You can see that. I am just here to answer any and all questions you might have, as I have been nothing, but a research hound...and continue to be...Let me know, if you are even interested in research, and my God Bless you and your wife....and of course, Brandon. I send you only good will. WillsMom

P.S. You are always welcome here....

[missingchris]

Am thinking that the guest that posted about research and the other "guest" that posted that he lost his son are maybe 2 different people?

[ribitsmom]

Missing Chris: I have to assume that they are, but don't know.

[joshsmom]

Guest,

Please know that we all understand your pain and confusion at this time of your grieving for your son, Brandon!

We do all feel exactly what your feeling and we want you to feel comfortable coming here whenever you want to let out the pain or just want to talk!

Writing down your feelings help too, just getting your thoughts out to someone who cares and listens!

My marriage suffered for almost the first year and even alittle longer while we both stuggled to maintain a life together. We didn't and still don't really talk about our son, Josh. I think we both realize now that it is still too painful to sit and just try and talk about him. I want to talk about him and so that's when I come here! I know that I can say whatever is hurting me and someone will respond and say just the words I need to hear to keep me going for another day without my son.

I think over time you will just know how to interperet your wife and her feelings and know somehow the right things to do. It just kind of works itself into your relationship. It is alot harder and things will always be different but I guess we all have had to find a new "normal" as we say! If there is such a thing as normal anymore!

Your son is still with you, just in a different way now! Keep him in your heart and in your mind, he knows that you love him and he will always love you!

Please come back and post when you feel you need to!

Hugs and Prayers to you and your family!

[willsmom]

Hey all...I was wanting to pick your brains on why my husband and I have yet to be called to give our depositions? The OB was done, and the Head Cardiologist goes on the 23rd---do you all think they are waiting for him to go? It is driving me crazy wanting to get my end of this over with. Maybe that is the point? Between thinking of Will and the case, and not being called or even hearing from my attorney, other than receiving the subpeana for the Cardiologist, I have begun to wonder what the hell is going on. I hate to call him/e-mail him the attorney, because he can be so testy, but I may have to...going through another weekend of pondering is going to drive me crazy! Thoughts, please....WillsMom~~Allyson

[joshsmom]

Will's Mom,

Hi,

I saw your post and just wanted to say, "Call the Attorney"! Don't worry about his response, worry only about what's important to you and your sanity!

It will at least help you to know or to at least know that your tried to find out something!

I hated having to sit by and wait on the court system!!! It is just nerve wracking to sit and feel like you can do nothing!!

Call him, I would!

Good luck, let me know what you find out!

Sue

[willsmom]

Thanks JoshsMom---I will and you are right---I may give him a little call at home....You are a nice girl!!!!

[mom2angels]

{{{Will's Mom}}}~

You should never hesitate or be afraid to call your attorney. Remember that he works for YOU. You are his boss, not the other way around.

And, if he gets "testy" with you, I suggest that you remind him that the only reason that you are contacting him -- or having anything at all to do with him, for that matter -- is because your beloved son, Will, died. Ask him if he could kindly bear that in mind when he speaks to you, thereby showing you the respect and compassion you deserve.

You have a RIGHT to know what is going on. You aren't some disassociated stranger poking your nose into someone else's business. This is YOUR business. Will is YOUR son, and the entire case revolves around him. And no one is more intimately involved than you are, and no one is more acutely impacted by the process and the outcome of these proceedings than you are. You are entitled to know everything, and your attorney should be keeping you apprised WEEKLY, if only with a brief phone call to touch base with you.

He is representing you, and as such he owes you information.

Unfortunately, I have dealt with many lawyers for assorted reasons in my lifetime. I've discovered that the ones who tell you not to worry, "it's all under control -- just let me do my job" are the ones who should be least trusted. I happen to know some stunningly honest and caring attorneys, so I can recognize the difference.

Communication is so important. You have to be able to communicate with your lawyer, the same as you have to be able to communicate with your doctor, or your contractor, or any other professional who is significantly involved in your major life issues. If you have questions, they need to deliver answers. That is their job in representing you.

Call your attorney. In fact, if he doesn't call you every week, you call him. Hopefully, he'll get the idea that you want to be kept in the loop and will pick up the habit of telling you what you need to know.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[ribitsmom]

I agree, I agree, I agree. I send an email to my lawyer every now and then and all I say is: "Hi, just thought you could send me an update, Thanks, Denise". I either get a call or an email with what is going on.

[kathy714]

hi,my name is Kathy,i usually post on adult child,i lost my son Nathan on his 21st birthday,jan 31,2005,he was found in a bank parking lot,under a van,early the morning of his birthday.The story is really long and involved,so i can't really get into it,but a few weeks ago i got a strange phone call,and the person said he couldn't give his name,he was afraid of losing his job.What he did say is that he was there when the police found my son and that things were not done right,he said they would not allow rescue personal to attempt any rescue efforts,ie cpr.He said i needed to get a copy of the police and M.E. reports,and a copy of the run sheet[911 call],hire a lawyer and invesigate my son's case.So that is what i am doing,i got the police report,and it even says in the report,death was determined by observation,no pulse was even checked,it also says in the report,that the rescue personal was instructed not to touch the body.tomorrow i go and talk to a lawyer,wish me luck,all i really want is some kind of closure,and maybe some answers to the many unanswered questions.I have been asking my son Nathan for the past year,to help me find the answers to what happened that night,so when that phone call came i knew i had to follow up,i fiqured it was the sign i have been waiting for...T/C Kathy, Nates mom 4 ever

[willsmom]

I e-mailed my attorney, stating that I wanted an update and gave the two main questions that I wanted posed to the Head of Cardiology, who is to be deposed on the 23rd....He e-mailed me back and asked if Glenn and I were avaiable to be deposed on that date and we would discuss all questions then. Well, I went ape---the man did not even realize he was deposing the Head of Cardio. that day...I double checked the supeana (sp), and I was right...so I simply wrote him a one sentence e-mail that stated " Dr.---- is to be deposed on the 23rd at 10AM"--and pushed send. I cannot believe that my own attorney cannot keep track of what is going on in my case. I was floored, furious, and frustrated. I have yet to hear from back, but I have not checked either...I am losing it.

Kathy714: Everything you are doing is right. You are entitled to know all the answers, just be sure and find a good attorney---if that is possible--- it is, I am just having a moment with mine. You find out what happened to your boy; we all will help you any way we can, with answers, ideas, etc. You are doing the right thing, and bless the man who phoned you. He just could not live with himself unless, he told you. I am glad there are still folks who have a sense of right and wrong. Good Luck and we are here for any help/support. WillsMom~~Allyson

[ribitsmom]

Kathy, Allyson/Willsmom is correct, find a good attorney, you can do this by word of mouth. I feel that we found a good attorney this way, he was recommended to us through someone we trusted...this doesn't mean that we like all parts of his work style, but he is doing his job and it is a difficult job to do.

You want a "wrongful death" attorney and they will do the investigation for you, with your input and help. They will contact everyone that was on the scene and you will probably even find out who called you, because they will question everyone.

Allyson: I would pick up the phone and give your attorney a call; maybe say, "Mr. ***, did I miss-read the supeana (I know, I spelled it wrong too)? I was under the impression that Dr. *** was to be deposed that day" and find out where he is in his understanding.

I understand that they are working on multiple cases at once and to give him the benifit of the doubt, maybe he is over worked...or not too bright.

We are going through the depositions now, and have been for more than a month and only 3 people have been deposed so far, they need many many more done before they can call it a done deal. I understand that at this point our case is consuming every waking minute of our lawyer and all the other many lawyers that are working on this case, but there was a point (this has been going on for 2 years and 8 months)that we were waiting for many pieces to come together before they could move any further, which means that it felt as though nothing was happening. Now I am getting many things in the mail, regularily, and emails and phone calls. But there was a time that it seemed that we were forgotten.

[willsmom]

Hi Denise!! Good to hear from you! My Gosh, Denise 2 years and 8 months---Wow!! It sounds like you maybe on the down hill run...or let us hope so. I am glad for you that things are moving. My attorney called this AM, 9:04 to be exact, but I am so upset that he was clueless, I just let it ring, sometimes I have a tendency to go off...and my husband said to let the anger pass, because 90% of the time a sharp tongue just bites you in ass anyway...so I will calm down, and call. You are probably right, and there was some criss-cross of information, but I about fell out of my chair when I read his reply---I mean, suppose he really forgot, he was deposing Dr. *****??? Scary thought.

Again, let me say I am glad things are moving along, you deserve it. Everything you have done is highly regarded in my book! Stay on their heads, they will cave; and rightly so!!! Allyson

[Guest Guest]

I lost my son, Jason, 26 years old, 2 weeks ago to what I was first told was a 4 wheeler accident. But when the coroner questioned the 2 guys connected to the incident when they came to the hospital, they could not even give us straight answers about what happened. They kept changing their stories then and have continued to. Then while we were still at the hospital, one of the guys went to my son's home and stole many items. He admitted to stealing 2 guns and returned those. We reported it but none of the police would press charges or obtain a search warrant to find the other missing items. We presented a list of the missing items along with all the questions we have about the accident to the police but were told today that they do not have time to pursue it. We plan to hire a private detective and attorney but would appreciate any advice. It is hard enough losing my son but not being able to know what really happened is unbearable.

[willsmom]

Talked to my attorney: In the state of Ga., expert witnesses must be deposed after everyone else, i.e. the OB, myself, and my husband. We are to be deposed on the 23rd, this coming Tuesday, and I am afraid, but fear has turned more to fact. I need help with what is going to happen, and what is going to be asked, basicaaly speaking, you know, just the general questions. We are to be preppped my our attorney that morning...Help!

Guest: Go with your gut instinct, I found that in such horrible situations, they usually pan out right. Hire everyone you stated, and get ALL police reports, ambulance notes, hospital records, and the autopsy report, if there was a need for one. I am very sorry you have lost your son. Get the reports yourself, it will save time when and if you do proceed with an attorney. It saves him time and you will have a general feel for what happened and why and if there is something amiss. Good Luck~~ WillsMom~~Allyson

[ribitsmom]

Allyson-I wish I could give you information on what to expect, as I have not had to go through it before I can't. I do know that your attorney should be "calming" you prior to the morning of. He should explain what you should expect for questions...maybe try calling him again and let him know you are nervous and would like a play by play, so to speak, of what will be asked.

Guest - I am so sorry for the loss of you son, Jason. It does sound as though things are not as they first appeared. I wonder, could you go after the police department??? For them to tell you that they "just don't have time" is beyond belief. You may even want to talk to the coroner and see what he feels happened. I am not certain you have a case, but if you do, the law firm will hire investigators, if you hire one now, they will get on it prior to the information going stale. The lawyers are very slow moving, they have many legal steps that they need to go through and it can take years, by the time they get the information it is old news and not everyone remembers correctly. If you were to hire a private investigator to get the information now, they can then turn it over to the law firm if and when you go that direction.

I wish you the best.

Denise

[soempty]

Denise, Thank you. Yes,I am meeting with a private investigator within the next few days. He seems like he wants to help, but how do you know if they will do a good job or just take your money?

Willsmom, Thank you for your help. I am glad I found this site because it is helping to connect with people who understand how you feel. It is hard to read about everything you have all gone through or are going through, and my prayers are with you all.

Karlee

[willsmom]

Karlee: You are more than welcome, and anything I can do or anyone of us here, for that matter, to help you is no trouble at all. On the attorney question, you posed to Denise, my advice is simple research and word of mouth, or advisement from family members/friends. We found our Florida attorney through my brother-in-law (they were fraternity brothers)---and I am at times, frustrated with him, but all in all, he is good. He is a real shark and did a fantastic job deposing my OB---He was very direct and quite to the point and never let her up for a second. The Atlanta attorneys I have are good, but they serve mainly as co-counsel to my Fla. attorney since he is not licensed in the state of Ga., so bascially they just help him with the Ga. laws and procedures.

If you feel comfortable maybe post your state here, and someone here could actually send youto someone in your area. I hope I have helped and I hope your day is kind to you. My two living boys get out of school today, so I am actually feeling wonderful, as I will have them with me all day for a couple of months. I hate sending them anywhere, even school...so I am riding high today---I hope you do too!! Take Care and stay in touch! Allyson

[foreverchanged]

WillsMom

In regards to the depo . . . just take your time. Don't feel intimidated into replying too soon. If you feel that your answers are being cut short, simply speak up and say that you would like to clarify something or that you have something to add to a previous question. (Sometimes things will come to your mind ten minutes later that you remember, so speak up and don't feel like its too late to add to what you already said.)

I guess you probably already know that there will be a reporter there, or someone who will be typing up the thing? You should request copies of each and every depo that is done. Just tell you lawyer you want copies. You may have already done that, I don't know. But when you get the depos, go over them ALL with a fine tooth comb. Sure, that is the lawyers job, but no one is more close to this case than your family. You might catch something that they miss.

I found that the questions asked in the depo where general to start. They start by asking you your name, where you live, personal questions such as how many kids you have, do you work, etc. Once they get passed all of that they will start asking you questions about your child's illness/death. Many times they will switch around the order of their questions and won't go in order just to try and get you out of sorts. I'm not telling you this to make you nervous, but just so you have a "heads up." Some lawyers don't do this, but some of them do.

Just take a deep breath, think about the question and then answer it. And remember what I said before, you can always go back and clarify something or made an additional comment.

Your lawyer will not be able to "coach" you into what you should say. However, you can get a general idea by their tone and mannerisms during the prep portion if they think something would or would not be a good thing to say.

Also, if you need to take a break . . . simply request one. This will give you ten minutes or so to gather yourself if you find that the questions are getting difficult or too emotional.

On a side note, we were allowed to be in the room when the others involved in our case were being deposed. I don't know if you knew that this was possibility? (At least it was in my state.)

I'm not an expert on depositions AT ALL. This advice is just based on the experiences I had. You should follow your lawyers advice.

[foreverchanged]

Dear Guest

I am so sorry about the loss of your son and my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your famiy.

Yes, I would hire a private detective. I would also hire an attorney. You may also want to consider contacting your local newspaper or television news show. This will get your concerns made public which may put pressure upon the local law enforcement to do more than they have done. (Like I always say, the squeaky wheel gets the attention.)

One thing I found is that the police are not very interested in dealing with parents. That may sound cold, but in many cases it is the truth. All they do is write up the report and then they are done with it. It sounds to me like they are falling down on the job and a little pressure from the media or a higher up public official may get somebody off their rear ends to open up an investigation.

[kirksdad]

Karlee, I read about Jason at the adult message board, I am sorry. What you are going through is something we never figure could ever happen to us, but it does. I am sorry about what the "friends" did and sorry the police couldn't find it in their power to help. Unfortunately for many of us that doesn't come as a suprise. The truth about things becomes very blurred and uncertain when something like this happens. I have nothing but questions about our son's car accident even though I probably know as much as I am ever going to know. It isn't easy going through this, but when it comes to issues with the court system there are posters here that understand way too clearly how things can go.

[willsmom]

FOREVERCHANGED: Your advice is wonderful...and I have read it and re-read it about seven times... I would chat more, but my son, Ryan, is up----I swear, he can see the computer light from a mile a way.

Thank-you for your help...it is sound and helpful. I will let you know how it goes on Tuesday.....Please say a silent prayer. Again, I thank-you!!! Allyson

[soempty]

Kirksdad, Thank you. Yes, I am realizing that we may never get all the answers we are seeking. That is very difficult and I guess only time will help in accepting that.

Foreverchanged, Thanks. I thought it was just our family that was brushed off by our police since we are not wealthy or well-known. It is unbelievable to me how rude and cold these officers have been when they are supposed to help us.

Allyson, Thank you for your advice. I think we have found someone who is going to help us.

Karlee

[joshsmom]

Wills Mom,

I just wanted to send you a big hug and let you know I will be praying for you so you will get through your Deposition as easily as possible! I know you will handle everything that is thrown at you! You have gone through all of it over and over in your mind, I'm sure! I did the same thing while waiting for court!

When an answer is needed, you will be surprised how easily it will come to you!

Will is there with you, making you stonger than you know!

I am dealing with stress of Josh's 2nd Angel Date coming up and being sick with everything going around! I havn't posted lately, but I am hear and I always read the posts!

All of us will be thinking of you on Tuesday, so just remember you're not alone!

Take care!

Sue

[ribitsmom]

I asked out lawyer if we could be present during the depositions and he said, "Yes, you can, but only you, as you are the 'trustee'". We made me the 'trustee' due to the travel that my husband has to do with work and me being more accessible. All that said, I have not gone to any of the depostions yet, I didn't think I could handle being there while the engineer and conductor were being deposed. There will be many many more depositions and I assume my son will also need to go through this, I will certainly go then but I don't know that I could keep my composure during some of these, and you really need to be able to do that, otherwise you could be a distraction to those that are asking or answering the questions.

[ribitsmom]

PS. I meant "OUR" not OUT laywer.

[willsmom]

Tomorrow is depo. day or "D-day" as I call it. Please remember a short prayer and wish me luck. I am a little scared, but not as bad. I must just keep thinking of Will...and I am going to put his picture in pocket, one of you kind people gave me that suggestion, and I am going to use it. I will go, the boys are out of school and we are going to have Sushi for lunch...I am just glad they are home with me--school is out-- mucho happiness on that!!!! I will post all the gory details, or what I can. Cross your fingers and remember Will and I tomorrow--And thanks for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Allyson