Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

fiance died of heart attack in our house. anyone else experienced this?


jcastek

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Just six days ago, my fiance came to bed and within a few minutes had a heart attack,. I called 911 and they instructed me to pull him to the floor and do chest compressions. He was not breathing and the compressions seemed to have no effect. Finally EMS came and worked on him for some time with no luck. FInally after he was in the ambulance they got his heart beating and he was breathing on his own. At the emergency room the doctor told me he was stable and was movign him to a better hospital with a cardiac program. AFter hours in the cath lab the doctor told me the did restore some of the blood flow but my fiance would most likely have brain damage. About a half hour later the nurse took me to see him in the ICU and basically told me nothing else could be done they needed to contact his parents.They had to keep him on life support for hours until his sister could arrive. he coded 5 times until they were no longer able to revive him.

 

I want to see if anyone else out there has eperience this with a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance or spouse. Family members too but I think its a little different when its your partner. I really need to talkto someone who had the heartattack happen while you were with your loved one. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I feel for you incredibly. I am so glad that we did not have children yet. The pain of losing your loved one is bad enough but to have this traumatic experience on top of it is just impossible to have other understand what it is like. Sometimes its hard to tell which pain is worse. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It feels like I am the only one in this world who feels this unbearable pain!!! I met her in 2006. she was on an exchange program from her university in the US in my native country of Germany. I was 29 when I met her. when I saw her the first time everything felt right. It was a magical Moment. Everything experienced before with women felt shitty, not right and cheap. Everything with her felt right. All the insecurities with women and in life in general, gone !!! Because of her. The physical and emotional attraction was overwhelmingly massive. she was the ONE AND ONLY!!!! I was at peace, with all the problems before. When I was stressed about something, she could calm me within seconds. Before her the thought oft marriage was disgusting. No, not for me!!! With her... The first Moment I thought I want to mary her!!! We did already in 2007. You gave birth to our 3 children in 2008; 2010; 2012. The most wonderful creatures on this planet. My life was amazing and wonderful. i would have ripped my heart out for that woman. I smelled her sweaters with her Parfum in the morning and it kept me going for the day. I loved her so so so overwhelmingly much!!! And then this day came and you died. Since more than 10 days my life is horror. The only thing that keeps me functioning are the children. But I hear them cry for their momy and I fall to the ground and do not know what to do. I feel the pain physically and it feels like it is not bearable!!!! I function for the kids because I have to. I make it through the day and think yes, i made it. but no!!! it is not over!!! the nights are there, and they are hell!!!! what can you do in a Moment where you think, no way I can deal with that pain !!!! somehow one does. but honestly I dont know how long I can do that. but I have to !!!! for the children. How do you deal with that pain? It is so so so giantly, massively overwhelming!!!! How????

  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Mine was similar . My fiancé had flu the week before and was feeling tired. We went to bed early and when I woke up he was lying in the floor . I phoned for an ambulance & began CPR. However he was already dead. It is horrific, like a nightmare. He was just 50. We had been together for 28 years. I don't understand how he can just die. I am crying now 8 months on. I feel guilty that I didn't make him get checked out before. Keeping busy helps - but whenever I hsve s quiet moment - on my way to/from work or when I'm alone at home the tears flow. I had no idea grief was this agonising - hiw do people survive?

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I do understand where you are coming from, on December15, 2014 I arrived home to find my boyfriend & soul mate of 5 years on the floor. Knowing something was terribly wrong I phoned 911 the excruciating 20 minutes it took them to arrive felt like hours as they were having me make him lie on his back and he was unresponsive to my voice. Once in the ER they found he had a massive hemorrhagic stroke and yet another clot in a vessel beside it. I had one night in the ER and the following evening one Ray of hope as he couldn't speak he wrote on a clip board. 4 days later on December 19, 2014 he passed away. There was no way to treat one part of his stroke without harming the other and the swelling caused a shift in his brain. That very moment my life became torture, a torture to wake up, to get dressed, to talk to anyone and look at the pain in my children's eyeS for John was the best father figure a child could ever ask for. For me I have lost everything my best friend, my soul mate & my true love. I feel there is no reason to for life as the whole reason and purpose was having my soul mate to share in all the memories we made, he was the reason for my smile and for my laugh now I have no reason. There is not one second of one minute of one hour of one day he is not on my mind.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My heart breaks over an over with all of these postings.  How awful and unfair so many good people, loved people were taken so unexpectedly and so before their time.

 

My fiance passed away in his sleep and we still do not know what happened; the medical examiner won't have a report until March.  We had a great night.  We ate dinner, stayed up talking until late, kissed and snuggled in bed.  Then an hour later I am waking up to an awful sound and I can't get him to look at me.  And i shake him and his eyes open part way... I can still see him and hear him.  The police and EMTs came quickly but he was already gone and so was my whole life.

 

I get up and go to work.  The I come home to the big empty house we bought in October.  And I watch TV to have something on in the background as I cry.  There is a big blizzard here today and I can just see him wanting to be outside playing with the dog or shoveling the driveway even though it is still snowing.  There are so many moments we are supposed to share.  So much life he was supposed to live.  My heart just breaks

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I feel like you are reading what I feel everyday too. As I live in the northeast I to imagine him out in the driveway shoveling snow as we always did together and randomly throwing snow at one anotheR for fun. There is nothing that I have a desire to face without him. The memories are taunting and seem quite torturing at times when I all I really need is him here

We also bought our first home together in October of 2013 and coming home to this big house empty with no laughter or chatter between us is so unbearable. I sit in our room most nights from the time I get home till the next morning crying and wondering why?

I feel as though the only memories to make and share were between him and I and our family.

My only hope is somehow someway they show us a the way.

  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know how you feel. My boyfriend also died in our house from a heart attack. He wasn't able to be revived even for a short time. We were watching TV when it happened. I tried cpr and called 911 but he was dead within minutes. He was only 30 years old, and we have a 2 month old baby girl. There were no signs that he had a bad heart. At autopsy it was found he had several mini heart attacks before the one that killed him. I blame myself. I am absolutely devistated.

  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know how you feel. My boyfriend also died in our house from a heart attack. He wasn't able to be revived even for a short time. We were watching TV when it happened. I tried cpr and called 911 but he was dead within minutes. He was only 30 years old, and we have a 2 month old baby girl. There were no signs that he had a bad heart. At autopsy it was found he had several mini heart attacks before the one that killed him. I blame myself. I am absolutely devistated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I understand what you are feeling. I lost my husband on 11-08-15(his birthday). He woke me up after getting out of the shower, he said he felt like he was going to faint. I told him to lay down. I didn't want him to fell and hurt himself. Next thing I know he was making weird noises. I grabbed my phone and called 911, when I turned around he was gone. I pulled him off the bed and started CPR. I felt like hours before someone else got there I know its was only a few minutes. They started working on him. I heard a man say are we going to call it here or wait till we get to the hospital. There was a lady she said she wasn't going to give up. She got a little pulse back with a shot of meds. They took him out and to the hospital. I know when I got there they were going to tell me he had passed. I had our 2 kids with me(ages 10 and 7). When I got there they took me in a room, a family member took the kids away for a while. The doctor came in and said he was still with us, but he was in really bad shape. After hours they sent him to another hospital. To make this short, they lost him 4 more times but I would start yelling and crying and he would come back. Then the attacks got to close together and I lost my husband, my best friend, my kids dad, my other half. He and I were together everyday all the time, 24/7. I look and he is not there. I am lost, I don't know what to do. I just want him back. I cry, I yell, I beg, I prey, I get mad, nothing helps. I just need him.

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Eric's wife,

I am so very sorry for the terrible tragedy you have experienced. Did your hubby have a medical condition that he knew about? I am sure you are still reeling from the shock and horror of everything. Do you have people to talk to? Are your friends stepping in to help? Are you taking care of yourself?

 

Just know, we will be here with you,

 

ModKonnie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Very sorry for your loss. I lost my wife about 6 weeks ago to a heart attack. She too died in our home. I gave her a kiss goodbye when I left for work( I work midnights) and when I came home in the morning she was gone. Found her in the floor of our bedroom. Called 911 but she had suffered a heart attack some time probably after I left for work.Every time I walk into our bedroom I get a flash of seeing her laying there. I started seeing a grief counselor  about 3 weeks ago and to my surprise I do feel better for at least the time I am speaking with her. But the feeling better seems to be temporary. Its usually not long till I will think about her or see something in our home that reminds me of her. There is no escaping it I guess. The quite times are the hardest like trying to go to bed at night or being in the house by myself. It allows my mind too much time to wonder to something painful. I took some time off work after her passing but have since gone back and it does help me not to think about it as much at least while I am out of the house. Good luck to you and I hope that both of us can learn to carry on with our life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My fiancé did not pass of a heart attack but he was hit on his motorcycle on November 24th so s mere 5 weeks ago and the pain is unbearable and I passed the site and did not stop though I felt I should and I found out later he had a pulse was never conscious and passed at the scene. I regret not listening to my gut and stopping. I can tell you it's not your fault what happened and that everything you may be feeling from the unbearable pain to the praying for death and thinking about every detail is normal. The regret the what ifs the unanswered questions. The pain is suffocating and wondering why a life you loved was ripped away and the earth has become a prison sentence and waiting to die.

Lori

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My husband died July 16, 2015 of a widow maker heart attack.  The guilt I have is consuming me. I am responsible for his death.  We were married 28 years. He was 59.

 

He was a pilot, who had EKG's every year for the past 18 years.  The medical examiner told Ed they were normal and not once in those 18 years did I ask for a copy of the EKG.  I naively assumed that they had to be normal or he would not be able to fly.

 

On July 9, he came home from the gym saying he had heaviness on his chest.  He said it started and stopped, and in the between interims, he continued to work out. I looked it up and told him we were going to call the ambulance.  He said no, he had drank two cups of coffee and a red bull.  I listened to him.  It went away after we laid down together for about 10 min.  He was completely fine afterward.  Later that day,we were walking and I thought he felt cold clammy when I held his hand.  He said he felt fine...my imagination.

 

We went to his fathers camp for the next week.  He was normal. We completely cut out the caffeine.He drove back 11 hours to the house and we got home at 2 am.  We took it easy the next day and the following day he went to the gym.  He came home and I did not even think to ask him how he felt. I thought the incident was the caffeine.  We went to Best Buy to buy a new computer.  We were happy.We were sitting in the parking lot waiting for the store to open.  He said he wanted to stretch.  I said I would go into the store.  I came looking for him when he didn't come and there was the ambulance. A retired state trooper came up to me saying he had done this for 20 years and he was gone.  I was in such shock I didn't even ride in the ambulance.  I was afraid Ed would get mad at me for letting someone else driving his truck.  

 

I spent two months looking at his medical records.  6 of 10 were abnormal.  First degree heart block.

 

I could have saved him.  How do I live with this.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 28/12/2015 at 2:20 AM, Lololynette said:

My fiancé did not pass of a heart attack but he was hit on his motorcycle on November 24th so s mere 5 weeks ago and the pain is unbearable and I passed the site and did not stop though I felt I should and I found out later he had a pulse was never conscious and passed at the scene. I regret not listening to my gut and stopping. I can tell you it's not your fault what happened and that everything you may be feeling from the unbearable pain to the praying for death and thinking about every detail is normal. The regret the what ifs the unanswered questions. The pain is suffocating and wondering why a life you loved was ripped away and the earth has become a prison sentence and waiting to die.

Lori

I feel this way too. Just don't want to be here, but am. My husband died the same way, on his motorcycle, as coming home from work and I was home cooking his tea. I wish I died with him. We've been together forty years and it feels like life is over now. I wish I'd been on the bike with him and we'd died together because I feel like most has died anyway. The pain is unbearable. No one knows what the sudden and unexpected loss of a partner feels like till it happens to them or how every little thing hurts, deeper than any physical pain could and there's no remedy.  People think that they understand but they don't. It's like losing yourself to the most unbearable pain. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Melissa Douthit

I also have an immense amount of guilt my fiance was five hours away visiting his mother in this tiny Town in Oklahoma. He was complaining of chest pain several nights in a row and I told him to go to the hospital he said that he would just take the nitrous pills his mom had . He promised he would go if it got worse ..a couple days go by he is talking to me every day about what he was doing he took his ma out they were having fun he built the bar his aunt wanted..he was a can do spirit so energetic and strong but when I get the message about the doctors visit...it was the worst possible message he said he didn't have insurance that they turned him away ... I pleaded for him to just come home but he said he had to still help his ma . Then as I was sleeping he had messaged me that when this bottle is gone I'll be gone because I am not begging for them to see me . I'll just die and get that **** over with. He was fine for two more days and then on April 17th I blew up his phone no response...later his mom's friend answered asking me if I was Missy ..I was then told that his mom wanted to speak to me ... Jamy passed away... those words bring me to the darkest place every time I think of all that I should have done. But I couldn't leave I was working back at our place ...but guilt gets me because I should have put him first I should have drove there instead screw everything else . I lost the love of my life. I can't be happy anymore... I am a shell of the person I was . I don't want to live anymore but I have no choice . I ask to die and here I am..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Melissa Douthit  Guilt is a common part of grief.  We are looking for a different outcome than the one that happened, not sure why we target ourselves for guilt, but maybe because we're the only one we have control over?  I do hope you'll read these links...also keep in mind that this is a FEELING and feelings are not FACT!  Just FEELING guilt does not indicate deservedness of guilt feelings!

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
DutchessWithaT
On ‎7‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 5:54 AM, Melissa Douthit said:

I also have an immense amount of guilt my fiance was five hours away visiting his mother in this tiny Town in Oklahoma. He was complaining of chest pain several nights in a row and I told him to go to the hospital he said that he would just take the nitrous pills his mom had . He promised he would go if it got worse ..a couple days go by he is talking to me every day about what he was doing he took his ma out they were having fun he built the bar his aunt wanted..he was a can do spirit so energetic and strong but when I get the message about the doctors visit...it was the worst possible message he said he didn't have insurance that they turned him away ... I pleaded for him to just come home but he said he had to still help his ma . Then as I was sleeping he had messaged me that when this bottle is gone I'll be gone because I am not begging for them to see me . I'll just die and get that **** over with. He was fine for two more days and then on April 17th I blew up his phone no response...later his mom's friend answered asking me if I was Missy ..I was then told that his mom wanted to speak to me ... Jamy passed away... those words bring me to the darkest place every time I think of all that I should have done. But I couldn't leave I was working back at our place ...but guilt gets me because I should have put him first I should have drove there instead screw everything else . I lost the love of my life. I can't be happy anymore... I am a shell of the person I was . I don't want to live anymore but I have no choice . I ask to die and here I am..

@Melissa Douthit  I am VERY sorry about this whole thing that all of you went through . My husband choked to death in January  but found out later he also had a very serious heart condition ( Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy 100%genetic and was past mild and onto moderate) this would not have ended well at all . He was 53 . However , I have been a professional galloper by trade for 40 years . I am the one that exercises the very young and the older racing horses every morning at 3 am , so the Jocks look like stars on race day on TV . I HAD to leave Oklahoma due to the total absence of healthcare and the seemingly nonchalant attitude towards human life I encountered - the track vet treated me mostly actually . I have a serious chronic condition and there was simply no healthcare to be had outside the 2 main cities . Insurance there was minimal / very difficult to obtain and this was 20 years ago.

I still have the same job today although I do NOT feel like riding at the moment - through my associates back in OK ,  I understand it is now worse . I am so sad to hear of someone dying due to flat out refusal to help someone over lack of cash  .  I feel guilt too , I was out of town and he was at home, I could have easily saved him .  I know what you are feeling and that I hope in time you will come to know it was not you . You did everything you could to see he got treatment . It's the ones who turned him away that should feel the guilt .  I am speaking normal NOW but tomorrow or in 3 hours , I can have some of the darkest thoughts imaginable of how I could possibly be with him again . It comes and goes in waves .  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Dutchess, I'm so sorry for the lack of healthcare you've gotten, we were all hoping and fearing with the Obamacare and it's turned out about as predicted.  While it was wonderful for some to be able to get free coverage it came at a price for others when they raised the premiums beyond everyone's reach and now it's all but disassembled and we're left in a worse state than pre-Obamacare.  It's such a shame our country is so progressive yet can't seem to figure out how to handle some of the most necessary basics.  Maybe we should learn from some of the other countries.

It's got to be the most horrible feeling in the world to feel you could have helped your husband if you were only home.  But I too struggled with my husband's death (heart attack) all the "shoulds/whatifs"  wished I'd forced him to see a different doctor, ordered him to see a Cardiologist, why didn't I know he had heart trouble?!  But in the end we have to realize we didn't know what we didn't know and therefore couldn't have responded differently than we did.  We precede with the knowledge we have at the time.  Hindsight is always easier, but hindsight isn't reality, hindsight is a pipedream.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
DutchessWithaT

Its been better in Seattle but with what I do for a living and my chronic stuff it is HARD no matter what ( a 55 yr old woman on the back of 3-6 thoroughbreds a day wearing body armor and a helmet cruising along at 30-40 MPH makes the insurers worry, plus I go back and forth between Portland Meadows and Emerald up here so 2 states involved. Someone called this morning about a new assignment in Cal for maybe a month or 2   and I had to turn them down . I am just not ready and I am way too thin , even for the track ,  and tired and moving shortly too .  When I was in the Netherlands it was a lot easier , we paid higher taxes but everyone got FULL services- everyone contributed on a sliding scale , even if they were on" basic income" there. . 

YES !!  I do wished I'd forced him to see a different Dr. The one he was seeing would just give him more tramadol for his back - like I could walk in there this morning with a bloody nose and glass in my foot  and I'd get a vat of Tramadol and a lollipop . Some of these Dr's I do not understand . This Dr saw him for YEARS and saw nor heard anything . 

He told me he had not been feeling well when he called me that last night and I told him GO to the ER to be safe , he wants to go to the tramadol Dr. I say no , ER , He says will you wait , like stay up and wait  , I am afraid to go without you , I said I will wait . So I stayed awake waiting having no clue he was going to try to  eat something before he left  and choke to death on accident while I was sitting up in bed watching TCM across the country . Just crazy . 

You are very right when you say hindsight is a pipedream. I don't think I have ever heard it described better . 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Melissa Douthit

Thank you Kaycee and thank you dutchess .. I am so sorry for the loss of your loved ones ..may God bless you all

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It seems so hard that someone can choke to death over a bite of food, something so ordinary can cause such an extreme impact on your life, when you least expect it.  But I never imagined my husband would die the weekend I went away with my sisters...he and I were always together when not at work, this was the one weekend a year we did other things with others, why then?  I know...no answers, never seems to be answers for why questions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My husband died a month ago in almost the same way. He came home from work and had a sudden heart attack at home. I did CPR until paramedics got there, but he never regained conciousness.  They declared him dead at the hospital, but I know in my heart he was gone at home. I cant get the image of his final minutes out of my head.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

That image eventually doesn't appear as frequently as it did the months following the traumatic sudden loss.  I'm entering 11 months into my loss. This morning I woke up with the image as clear as it was yesterday and it was painful but not paralyzing.  There were triggers.  The recent loss of my mother. The swapping out of our car for a new one.  Triggers can sneak up. They can be simple events like the purchasing of a new car.  Passing an EMS truck can be a trigger. Be gentle if you feel you may need to pull over the road on that visual. 

It has only been a month for you!  The trauma, the visuals are raw! It is a process.  It is painful. The image of that moment will not be with you every waking moment or with every breath you take.  The image slowly blends in and will not appear in the frequency you are experiencing it now!!!  That I can promise you.  It will not be as sharp.  It will not be as clear and it will not be paralyzing. It will not be excruciating.  It WILL BE lighter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I lost my boyfriend to a massive heart attack while on vacation hiking...he was completely fine and in great health! He started complaining of chest pains and collapsed! I did cpr till rescuers arrived and they declared him dead! It’s been 6 months tomorrow and I relive it every second of the day, I am on that mountain every day and it has not gotten easier, actually worse! 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My husband died as good as in my arms a little more than five years ago. I am the walking dead. His death came suddenly, swiftly. It was little things I missed that day, and looking back omens. It seems looking back that death was in the house playing tricks on me-- so it's amazing I survived the guilt. He was the proverbial picture of health. He was everything to me. He was my reason for living. And as to paraphrase Tom Petty's song   got lucky when he found me. WE were one of those couples that seemed to know each other from another life. We were envied. We were inseparable in all ways physical, spirtual and emotional. His death came as a total shock. I thought if ever he got into trouble there would be plenty of time with todays advances to save him. But I never let thoughts like that enter into my head but fleetingly. I tied my life, ego and dedication to him. But the time has not helped much. I still cry a lot. I am all alone. Our parents have since passed. My son is selfish. My brothers are morons. The lonliness is unbearable, as many of us complain. I never thought people could walk around in this much pain without being shot or stabbed. My husband was gorgeous. So handsome, compared to many of the best looking men in Hollywood. And I lost him. Tonite I was culling yet more of our things from a home of 31 years. I clutched at some CD's wondering why I even keep them. He wont be shuffling through the selection wondering what will we watch that night. Never again will I play them. But yet, I can't let them go. So far, I have let more go than I ever thought I could. But much I still have. I'm trying to find my place in the world. Still a struggle. Have you every heard Ordinary World by Duran Duran? Only a person who suffered loss could write a song like that. One Tuesday he awoke, was rather quiet. I didn't push him as it was still March, gloomy out. As the day went on he went in and out of smiles and seeming ok. By lunch, I noticed he seemed a bit off. After a snack he complained about a bout of indigestion which he NEVER got!  But he assured me he was going to rest a few minutes then work out. I went into our bedroom to change for workout when suddenly he burst into room like a petulant boy plopping down on the bed demanding without much words that I figure out whats wrong. For some reason and I dont know why I began asking him questions which would suspect a heart attack in progress. He only grunted a no to my inquiries. So there I played Dr. instead of getting on phone to an ambulance, I pulled the cover over his feet. I told him if he didnt feel better in a few minutes to come get me as I was only warming up. Ten minutes later he walked in with his shoes and jacket on, pale as a ghost. I looked at the phone, then I stepped to him. He wanted me to drive him to get tums. Mind you this man never needed anyone to drive him anywhere. I asked if he was sure. He said yes, so I agreed. As he walked out of the house, I strode several feet behind him wondering how late supper might be tonite as I glanced at fresh baked bread on the counter. Well he could have died in car while I ran in to get the tums. It was then I began to feel uneasy. He chomped one down quickly. As we pulled into the driveway I told him maybe we had see a dr.  He admitted to taking an aspirin. I was about to chew his butt out when he reached down to move over some plastic spoons I had placed on my side. They were left from my birthday at Dairy Queen. His last words were "I dont want to break these little spoons." The reach jerked him up like a spring. He went into a convulsion struggling for breath. His left arm went straight out as his little fingers grazed my shoulder. Then he collapsed. I ran to get phone. Threw the car seat back and did my best cpr. As I could hear ambulance in distance, he came around--HE CAME AROUND. I was ecstatic. He opened his sweet blue eyes just long enough to recognize me, smile, then slowly turn his head exhaling his last breath. At that instant, the gloomy March day saw the sun drop below the cloud bank to bathe the landscape in light. It was the angels, they came to get him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@sonny  A year, five years, 13 for me, we never forget that last day, those last moments.  My husband died of a heart attack while in a hospital.  I was gone that weekend,the once a year I'd go away to my sisters' reunion, he started having a heart attack right after I left...we hadn't known he had heart trouble.  He'd come home from work early the night before, suffering indigestion.  If only we'd known.  He drove himself to the doctor a short time after I left, I could have turned around and been with him if I'd known, but he wouldn't let the doctor call me...he "didn't want to ruin my weekend."  The doctor gave him nitroglycerin and called an ambulance, he went on to the hospital 60 miles from home.  I didn't learn until much later, and didn't have a ride to get to the hospital, I was hours away, my sister had drove me and she wanted to stay and gamble.  I remember every moment of that weekend, I felt very frantic, anxious, I only wanted to be with my husband.  Two days later she finally drove me to the hospital, hours from where we were.  His room was full of people, then they wanted to move him to ICU.  When they got him settled, they let me in, he was asleep.  He woke up having a heart attack, I ran for the nurses' station.  They called the code and doctors came running.  A nurse through me off the ward and locked the door behind me while they worked on him.  I never saw him alive again.  I remember crying out to him to hang on and he shook his head no.  I repeated it, he repeated his shake of the head, no.  His eyes were big as saucers, I knew he was in tremendous pain.  This big burly man of mine could not bear the pain.  It must have been horrific.  

They came and found me, four doctors coming towards me.  They didn't need to say a word, I knew.  I thought this must be how wives felt when military officers came to their door to tell them...their very presence says it all.

We had learned he'd actually had a major heart attack that had taken his life six months earlier, but when he went out, totaling the car, the airbag went off, giving him a thrust to the chest that restarted his heart...giving him the gift of six more months with me.  That heart attack had severely damaged his heart.  That's why he couldn't make it through this time.  He needed a five bypass, but couldn't make it to surgery, wouldn't have made it through surgery even if he had.  He'd complained of his chest hurting, his ankle hurting, why didn't the doctor send him to a cardiologist?  Why indeed.  Too late.

We can't change what happened that day, we can't bring them back, we don't get a do-over.  All we can do is continue with our lives, make the best of the hand we're dealt.  He is forever in my heart, always on my mind...time doesn't change that.  I long for the day I'll be with him again!  But today I will see my grandkids...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My husband died 3wks ago at home in his sleep.  He left work early not feeling well, slept through the night fine and about 5am that next morning he made some loud noises, stopped, and I proceeded to check on him with no response.  Its like a dream as I sit here and type.  Trying to do CPR knowing its not working, ambulance seeming like it took forever.  If only I can hear his voice or feel his touch again.  Autopsy isn't complete so not sure what the cause was but can only assume heart attack as well.  Dreading the day our 2yr old asks "where's Daddy??"  The what ifs are killing me on the inside.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Lost99  There are books designed to help a child through grief.  Thankfully someone has come up with this as we can be at a loss how to explain it!

Here are suggestions...you can get previews on Amazon before deciding which one to order.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=children's+books+on+loss%2C+dying%2C+death+and+grief&rh=n%3A283155%2Ck%3Achildren's+books+on+loss\c+dying\c+death+and+grief

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Reading these posts brings joy knowing we're all sharing our grief and in some ways, often, brings it all back . My Tony died on 9/26 from a cardiac arrest, I still am not sure but I have ideas.

We had been together 28 yrs, no children tho prior he had a girl now in her  30's from prior 'marriage' tho he left her after finding out she had cheated on him, long story, aren't they always.

Point isn't that, as I found this after doing search about why defrib machine they put on his chest via parammedics, did not recommend shock.

I was so hopeful but they couldn't get h eartbeat until he was at ER.

Back story...We had just boughten a house, Tony 58 yrs old, me 63. Five months in and I'm left alone. He died in Omaha at a well known hospital called Bergen Mercy and they did everything they could , treatment used how often I'm not sure for cardiac arrest, they cooled his blood for 3 days , then after that brought him back to normal temp but nothing worked. I stayed in ER room other than attend to our border collie aussie mix , Sandy. They later to my huge surprise, let Sandy come into his room which lasted around 3 days. He never resonded to light in eyes or any stimulus and never regained any movement. Doctor thought he may well have been gone as heli lift landed on hospital pad outside.

That was horrific to learn, but I knew from conversation we'd had that I initited, he did not want to be kept alive on machine. That conversation was about a month prior to this unfolding nightmare for Sandy and me.

He was a vet so they did a hero walk which when I saw everyone standing in hallway on both sides ways hoilding a candle each one, I thought I'd not be able to hold myself together, but I took a deep breath and managed , thanking them all as we walked down hallway, as aid walked Sandy for me- she was so good through it all I was proud of her yet so full of grief, her not knowing I don't think what was going on,,or did she.

After that they took us upstairs, and they hoised a 'donor' flag as minister said some words with several of the donor team around us. That was another hard moment but I managed, trying to put my mind on what it represented and Tony's gift of being a donor, as I will one day as I go to meet him.

After that  it was time to home something I knew I wasn't looking fwd to at all knowing the emptiness I would face . I would have given almost anything to not have to do it, but then he died in the kitchen most likely, so in that way I felt being there for him at least was appropriate.

Before all that, and just as paramedics were putting him in ambulance, I was standing in kitchen near sink, and I felt a wave, a presence past me, impossible really to describe, and I felt a gut punch, it was my Tony and that he was already gone, saying good-bye to me.

I tried to put it out of my mind as I drove the 25 miles to hopsital in Omaha, ne, spent 4 days in hotel as they were doing procedure of cooling down then warming back up. Later in day I went to hotel and left to go home.

As others have said and I can guarantee with full certainty,going to empty house was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I'm still here 8 weeks later, finding out of course I need more pain, that there  is bat guano in attic ( doesn't look real bad so..) and r&t ( ?) wiring with OPEN splices, something apparantly bank inspector missed. Lawyer told me something called ' reasonable inspection' likely meant they SHOULD have caught it. We couldn't afford a 'home inspection', which I regret as  I 'thought' surely the bank inspector would have as that is banks guarantee home is work asking price.

So I'm getting ahold of lawyer and hoping bank will work with me as the wiring could be really pricey and on my sub $1000    disability income , no way I could afford anything remotely that expensive, so I hold out hope something can be worked out to FIX wiring and bat stuff, and maybe bank would 'lower' mortgage payment and I could 'easier' stay here if temporarily--as I've met someone , not sure, we'll see but hopeful....

Eight weeks in and the pain is nearly as bad as when I first stepped into door after he'd passed away, but then, I never want to forget him for any reason , and I know over time it will pass as I 'move on' so to speak, always remembering our 'family outings' for as simple a thing as our Walmart grocery outing being incredibly joyful as I often waited in car with Sandy, telling her look there's Daddy as he pulled up with groceries.

THe saying, its the simple pleasures that matter most couldn't be more true, but they are also it seems the ones that cause the most pain- for now, then someday replaced with joy and remmebrance.

Thank you for this website and TY SO MUCH for all the posters, as through sharing , while I know the pain will remain for sometime to come, at least I feel better among  my felllow mourners feeling better and slightly healed for being here.

 

GOD BLESS all of you and may the joy soon fill up the ache as our fond memories take us forward.

In love

Gaillard Lee Johnson

Iowa

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I started shaking when I read what you went thru.  I'm so sorry and I have an idea of how you're feeling,. Jan 12 last year my husband called me into bathroom saying he didn't feel right. By the time I offered to call for help he was unconscious in the floor after having a massive stroke. Like you, I tried to perform CPR until the ambulance arrived. D I think I went into shock that I knew that he was gone but and part of me still held out some hope that he would be okay. At the hospital in the emergency room I was told that the damage was too extensive and there was no hope. After I was not in that numbing feel nothing. Of shock I had a lot of anger toward the paramedics at even the hospital staff thinking that they didn't do enough to help him and I also feel guilty thinking that I didn't do enough to help him of course I had a lot of regrets it's been a little over a year since that day hand it took me a little time but I work through the anger at the health care workers and even the guilt I felt about not being able to help him myself I can't say that yet gets easier but it's different as time goes on my feelings were not as intense or raw of course I'm shaking all over right now after reading your post I think that I got through a lot of my grief bye using a journal and any time that I got sad or upset angry or anyting I would try to think of a good memory that I had at my husband and I would write it down and I think I had three notebooks full of these good or happy memories and you know today I go back and read over those I do a whole lot more smiling at those memories and I do of this stupid shaking. I m sorry I can't give u anymore words of wisdom 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Lori Adams I am so sorry for your loss!  My husband had just turned 51, we didn't meet until our mid-40s so all too short time together.  There is nothing fair about this.  Thank you for pointing out a positive for this person, it impresses me that at this stage of the journey you're wanting to help someone else.  :wub2:
I know you've made it through the first year but as this is an ongoing journey that evolves, I still want to leave you this:

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@neighborlee  OMG, I am so sorry you did not receive a response!  I check for new posts every day but once in a great while the website doesn't show them and this is the first time I've seen this.  I hope you have gotten some support from somewhere by this time!  Finding a site like this in my new grief 15 1/2 years ago literally saved me.  We welcome you here and hope you will be back and read/post.  I am very sorry for your loss, nothing is fair about any of this.  My husband had just turned 51 when he suddenly, unexpectedly died, I thought we'd have years left together!  I didn't see how I could make it through a week together without him but somehow I have survived.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Anaana Yes, nothing fair about life, that's for sure.  I feel so blessed to have had George in my life even though all too short, but the price we're paying is very very steep, others who are home snuggled up with their love can't begin to understand what we go through on an everyday basis, not in the beginning, nor in the rest of our lives.  I am growing old without my love, that was not our plan.  If he'd died as young as yours did I never would have met him.  :(

We too, so much in love.

  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

@Carla0904 my dear, I'm very sorry for your loss. I went through pretty much the same with my boyfriend, so I understand how you feel completely. One thing is clear:this was not your fault and you did the best that you could to save him. Arguments do not matter, every couple has them. Please try to push the guilt away.

You don't have to be strong, you are allowed to feel devastated and vulnerable. It's great that you are staying at your parents, return home as soon as you feel you can. 

One advice for you is, please do whatever makes you feel better. Anything that may be(except for alcohol/drugs) and don't push yourself for anything these first days. It's very early, but I'm sure the day will come when the pain will be numb. It will be there, but it will be numb. 

Coming to this forum helped me a lot through, please keep coming and reading and writing here, there are many people who understand how you feel.

Also, having people around me helped me for the first weeks. Even having someone care for housework or food, takes one thing out of your head. 

As I lived through the whole event like you did, I had and still have PTSD like you probably have. This means you get images and sounds from the event popping in your head. It's not going to last forever, every time that this happens try hard to think about something else, or if you are doing something at this time, try doing something else, to take the mind off the thought. There is no benefit to overthinking the event and what you could have done. You did your best.

Finally, consider seeking medical help to go through the stress. The sooner you do, the sooner they will help you get through. Some light anti-stress medication was crucial for my recovery. 

Believe in yourself and that you will make it through. I'm here if you want to chat. Love and hugs.! X

  • Like 3
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

@Carla0904  That must have been the most terrifying time of your life!  I am so sorry for your loss, for you and your daughter.  I find comfort in our home, but my husband made it to the hospital before he died...I hope you will eventually find comfort there as well, it was hard for me to go back to that hospital, I did a year later for a friend's husband was in there, same ward.

I couldn't think in those days, I had grief fog (widow's brain, whatever it's called by), hard to think in the throes of early grief.  It's like brain trauma, not easy to get through, but sometimes we need therapy to relearn how to make our way through life.  I learned to accept any help I could get, somehow I'm surviving nearly 16 years later, but sure couldn't see how back then.  We were soul mate, best friends, lovers, everything to each other!  There isn't a day has gone by but what he's been on my mind and in my heart.  You may have seen it already posted but I want to make sure you have this, pretty much what I've learned in a nutshell, the two biggies for me that helped was learning to take one day at a time (or one hour/moment if necessary), and looking for and embracing any good, no matter how small, learning not to compare with what once was.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm so sorry for your loss. My fiancée died of a heart attack 9-1-20 in our bed. Happened so fast! 5 days after we got our rings 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

How do you feel now this long after? It does get easier but things always there to remind you. I cry so much! I put his after shave in my oil burner so that I can smell him. I feel lonely! Always asking myself what if x 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Not sure what to feel or what to do. I have his Cologne and spray his sweatshirt hanging on the back of the bedroom door so I can smell it. Some days I cry alot, some days are ok. I try not to cry in front of his mother.... I still live in the apartment in the back of the house where he died. I slept on the couch for 4 1/2 months. I am now in the bed but some nights I don't sleep much. I am also lonely. part of me doesn't ever want anyone else cause I feel I'll just find someone who will disrespect me but on the other hand I am only 49 and don't want to be by myself the rest of my life.  We have known each other since 9th grade, both had a crush on each other but too shy to say anything. We finally got together and he died 4 months later.? I would have never moved back here if it weren't for him. Wondering why I am here? what is the reason I am here? 

 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
BridgetMcSki

My fiancé passed 5-10-21 and we were only 86 days to get married. I feel lost for the future and then feel selfish to think about the future. I can’t even speak about him in the last tense because then it becomes real. I just feel so comfortable sitting next to hiM on the couch or even going to a store. I smell his clothes and touch them to just get some semblance of him being near. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You think it’s never going to get better even tho that’s what people tell you. I was physically sick for 3 weeks! It’s been 7 weeks nearly and it does get easier and you sometimes do feel bad for doing normal thinks and even smiling. There always there with you and the sadness slowly becomes happiness and instead of crying when your reminded of them yo smile! Stay strong! I went to see a spiritualist and he came through to talk to me and told me things and that made me feel better xx

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
19 hours ago, Barbara J said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. My fiancée died of a heart attack 9-1-20 in our bed. Happened so fast! 5 days after we got our rings 

I am so sorry!  That must have been a horrid shock.  I lost my sweet husband just 3 years 8 months after we got married, he'd just had his 51st birthday.  It's been almost 16 years and I think of him every day and continue to miss him.  I hope you will keep this to refer to as our journey is ever evolving and what doesn't stand out to you now may later on.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

17 hours ago, Barbara J said:

what is the reason I am here? 

It took me a long while to find purpose when he was gone.  This takes longer than we'd care to know but I've also learned more since my loss than in the rest of my life combined, although I'd trade it all for five more minutes with him.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My husband of 20 years died of cardiac arrest in January 2021.  He got up, made our two daughters breakfast and then said he wasn’t feeling well.  I told him to sit down he was just feeling faint.  I propped his legs up on the table and they were like lead.  He told me his body was tingling all over and to call the hospital.  Then he passed out.  I heard a gurgling in his throat and that scared the crap out of me.  I called 911 but it did not register that this was cardiac arrest.  He took a large breath, which I found out later was agonal breathing so not a real breath.  The 911 operator told me to start CPR.  Then I went into shock.  I got him on the floor and his body was so light, like a feather.  I started CPR and the. Waited about 10 minutes for the paramedics to come and take over.  My poor kids were upstairs.  My youngest was crying and my oldest had to comfort her.  They were alone.  As soon as the paramedics arrived I ran up to them and told them daddy would be ok.  The paramedics were going to help him.  I heard them give two shocks to my husband.  Then they carried him out to the ambulance in a stretcher and he had the LUCAS machine on him pumping his chest.  I knew then he was not stable and was going to die.  I called my parents who came up with the kids and then my dad drove me to the hospital.  They put me in a little room and I knew.  I said to my dad “this is the room they put you in to tell you your husband is dead” and my dad said “no no, we were in a room like this when your aunt had a heart attack”.  Sure enough a DR and a nurse came in and told me he was dead and that they did everything they could.  I fell to my knees and screamed.  How is this happening?  I went in to see his dead body.  He was still warm.  I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him.  I told him I loved him.  I was in so much shock I didn’t stay long.  I wish I had stayed longer but in that moment I was fiercely worried about my kids.  I had to get back to them.  The drive home was surreal.  Life kept going on, people going to and fro and my world had just fallen apart. I gathered my girls and told them that their dad died.  They were sad but didn’t cry.  I cried a lot those first few weeks.  
 

Now it’s 5 months later and the pain is still very intense but I can manage it better.  I don’t cry as often.  My husband died without a Will so it’s been lawyers and courts and trying to pay bills.  My kids and I see a grief counsellor regularly which has been helpful.  I didn’t have to sell our home and am keeping up with the bills and I think that is a big reason why we are doing so well.  I am teaching my kids now to cope with grief and now to be there for a grieving person.  Turns out my husband had a genetic heart defect which caused a fatal arrhythmia.  His dad also died young but was diagnosed with clogged arteries so we had no idea there was a genetic component.  It was a treatable condition which is the worst part of this.  He was perfectly healthy.  Now my kids have to get tested and I worry for them.  My husband also grew up without a dad and him and his sisters grew up just fine with no issues and that gives me tremendous hope.  I must cope and I must survive for them, for me, for my husband.  I will not let his legacy be that he destroyed me.  He was my biggest supporter and he gave me so much unconditional love.  I carry that forward with me every single day.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.