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I want my mommy.

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Please excuse me if i am babbling. I am so overwhelmed with sorrow right now. I have no one to talk to about the loss of my mother that truly understands the pain and emptiness i have inside.

I don't even know where to start...

My beautiful mother (MY BEST FRIEND) ended her life on 10/07/2014. I was so close to her that after i couldn't reach her for two days is when i knew something was wrong. Early morning on 10/7, I took my 13 year old daughter to a doctor's appointment. I has called her repeatedly since the day before to let her know that i would be by to take her shopping and it kept going to voice mail. If i wasn't physically with her, i talked to her on the phone multiple times a day. I drove to her apartment after the doctors, very concerned because she's had a few suicide attempts in the past and it was odd for her to not call me or answer her phone. i banged on her door, no answer. I banged on her bedroom window and all i could hear her Yorkie howling- and I've never heard him bark before. I called the police to do a welfare check, they said that they would be there in 30 minutes. As soon as i got off the phone with them, i called my aunt and father to come pick up my daughter just in case as she was with me a few years back when i found my mom near death from one of her suicide attempts. My aunt arrived at the same time as the police. My aunt took off with my daughter, and my father stayed with me. Since Both doors to her apartment were locked, the police got in touch with maintenance to break in. The maintenance guy and the officer were a few feet in front of me, got in and immediately slammed the door shut before i could get in. Right then i knew she was gone. About 2 minutes later, the officer came out with his head down, took his hat off and said, "I'm sorry, she's passed away." I dropped to the concrete screaming, "NO, NOT MY MOM, NOT MY MOM"! My father (though they were divorced since 1997, but remained very close friends) Started punching the hood of his car. Never in my life have i been in such a state of shock. After sitting outside of her apartment for hours, i seen the medical examiner push my mommy out on a stretcher, in a body bag. My world was gone.

For as long as i remember, mom struggled with mental illness/alcoholism/addiction. She has been clean and sober for 5 years. But Unfortunately over the last 10 years our family has experienced multiple losses including my brother (August 2004-overdose), My stepdad (November 2004-heart attack), My infant daughter (April 2006-heart defect), two nieces(February 2007-car accident), My cousin (August 2014-cancer) also, my sister has been living with HIV for 30 years. Our family has been through hell. Through all of these losses, mom and i always leaned on each other and held each other up.

She was absolutely hysterical. You never knew what she was going to say or do next. She was absolutely stunning. At 60, her skin was flawless. Sadly, she was a very lonely soul. Most people in our family avoided her (unless they wanted something) because of her mental illness. No matter the state she would be in, i could never turn my back on her. I was her protector.

3 days before my mom passed away, she paid her rent just as she always did- so two weeks after she passed i get a phone call at work from my sister telling me that she drove by my mom's and seen a lot of her belongings in the alley broken and in the garbage. I left work, showed up at her apartment to see that it was completely bare. I called the apartment owner to see why and this bastard tell me that her apartment was abandoned knowing that it wasn't. It wasn't even the beginning of the month yet. From a moral and legal standpoint, He had absolutely no right to touch her things. I now have a lawyer and will be taking him to court but no amount of money will replace anything that man took from me. Now the icing on the cake to all of this, i lost my job for taking too much time off. I left early twice to merry with my lawyer and they even used the week that i took off when mom passed, against me. I honestly feel like I'm going to lose it and the ONLY person i could vent to is gone. I am so overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I honestly don't know how My life is going to continue without my mom. I was running on adrenaline after It first happened but now that it's sunk in to my head that she really is gone, in just completely lost. I haven't brushed my hair or teeth in two days, i smoke about a pack and a half of cigarettes a day, i am uncontrollably crying all of the time. I just can't take it. I'm on anti depressant, anti anxiety, and adhd meds which isn't helping. If i didn't have children to take care of, i don't know what I'd do.

Again, sorry for the babbling. I really needed to vent.

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Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your Mother. I just read your post and am crying at this moment. There are no words in the whole world that will make you feel better. All I can say is that my heart hurts for what you are going through. My Mother had never attempted suicide before but my Mother shot herself a year ago December 1st. I had spent the day with her shopping, having a good time, ate lunch, watched football, took a short nap on her couch and when I was about to leave to go home, she said "I wish you would stay." Her last words to me. Later, that evening, she called my daughter and told her she loved her, loved me and she wanted her and my son, to take good care of me, I love you, then hung up. My daughter was at my house so she told me about the odd phone call so we immediately drove to my Mom's house about five blocks away and by the time we drove there and got into her house, she had already shot herself. God, why didn't we drive faster? We walked into that scene which is embedded in my brain forever. She did leave notes for us all that she was tired and she was physically declining and she would never get any better and for us not to be sad. She even laid out her clothes she wanted to be buried in. In her note was a newspaper clipping from Billy Graham about what does the bible say about suicide? Never in a million years did I think she would ever do that and had no idea she was that worn out and depressed. To make a long story short, I know the roller coaster of emotions you are going through.

First you feel shock, sick to your stomach, can't eat, can't sleep, questions, why, why, why, going through her things, trying to find clues. You feel tremendous guilt for not seeing, feeling like we failed them in someway. Didn't I make her feel loved enough, didn't I show her I loved her enough, why didn't I stay longer that night? On and on. You wear yourself completely out. Then, you don't know how to tell people. Some people take it well and are supportive "for a while", others avoid you. I don't know if they are thinking, well you must have done something wrong to make her sad, or if they just don't know what to say.

One thing for sure, your life will never be the same. I never imagined, ever, having this particular trauma to go through. My Father passed away three years ago from health issues and it was natural, and I cried and it was sad, but it was the natural circle of life and he did not chose to leave us. Mother, on the other hand, chose to leave us, not hang in there with us. Didn't she know that she was loved, didn't she know that she was our shoulder to cry on, our arms to run to, our teacher, our stability to this crazy life? You wonder, was everything I learned in life and everything she told me and taught me a lie? I cried violently for a solid year. You go through sadness, guilt, anger, sadness, numbness, over and over. Every little thing makes you think of them. It is absolutely horrible. I know that when a person gets sick or has a disease and die, it is horrible, especially a child and you are never the same. But they did not chose to leave you. Suicide, on the other hand, they chose to leave us, to give up.

Two years later, I am finally getting to the point I don't cry everyday. I am finally getting to the point where I tell myself, I was the best daughter I could possibly be to my Mother and there must have been something terribly wrong with her mind or a pain that I cannot fathom, that caused her to do this. Surely, she must not have even imagined what it would do to the family. My daughter shared the same birthday with my Mother, which was day before yesterday. Every year they celebrated together. Now, not only does my daughter have to live with the memory of her grandmother shot, bleeding and dead, she will remember that on their birthday they won't share anymore. But, I say to myself, if that was Mother's choice, I pray that she is at peace now and with my Dad.

I know the death of a baby or child must be devastating, but I don't think most people understand what survivors of suicide go through. It is very, very different and the recovery is very different. I felt the two things, other than crying, that helped me the most was praying and talking about it. I went to a few counseling sessions, and fortunately, the ladies I work with were very supportive and I am sure they got sick of hearing me talk about it. Don't take it inside and not deal with it. My daughter took it inside and she has had a much more difficult recovery. Keep yourself busy, don't sit and dwell on it. Work, volunteer, join a group, rescue pets, reach out. It is true, idle hands are the devil's workshop, so keep busy.

It is still very fresh for us. It is hard for you to focus, hard to concentrate, certain things in life will seem so unimportant to you now, you realize how fragile life and people are, you realize how short life can be, you feel like something is wrong in the universe, you become super sensitive to people's feelings and cry at the drop of a hat. It is okay to take your time in the healing process. It is okay to be kind and good to yourself. But, after a year or so of mourning, you realize life does go on, your mind and body can't take the burden much longer and you realize that your loved one would want you to go on with life and enjoy it to the fullest because apparently they did not get to and they would want us to live on and find happiness. I know that I have gotten very discouraged in life. I have gone through so much heartache and troubles and there were times when I wondered if I was going to make it or even wanted to, but after going through this, I never in a million years would I put my family through something like this. I have truly learned that what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, I have learned the only consistent and dependable thing in life is change, I have learned that life can be harsh and cruel but you just have to create your own positive, good world. Positive in, positive out, negative in, negative out.

I know I have rambled on, but I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers go out to you. Know that you did nothing wrong, it isn't your fault. It is within their minds that they chose this ending. Whether they were born with depression, a chemical imbalance, or a mental illness, it was in their control not ours and we cannot punish ourselves for their actions. I know nothing I have said to you will help your heart but as time goes on, you will learn to cope with it better each day. We are survivors. We will never be the same, feel the same or look at things the same, but we are stronger than we ever thought we were.

Just remember you were created to be an individual separate from your family and friends. You were created for a purpose, a plan, a mission, a journey. Your loved one apparently had completed their mission in life and you will continue on your journey to reach your goal. Keep your eyes on the goal, focus. Don't let the evil forces in life derail you from your purpose. When you are a good person, those forces with throw, full force, everything possible to bring you completely down. I have had people say why would God do this? I asked God to protect my Mother and watch over her, but he didn't, he took her. But, as time has gone by, maybe he answered my Mother's prayers instead of mine. Maybe she was just so tired of fighting a battle that we could not see or imagine. Maybe he took her home with him to keep her with him, happy and safe.


I have faith in you and my thoughts and prayers will be with you. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to. May God wrap his arms around you, comfort you, give you peace and rest and give you strength and courage. I am here if you need a friend. Sincerely, Sherry

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