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jessicak

lost my father to suicide

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jessicak

A little over 3 weeks ago my mother came home and found my father in their garage, suicide from gun shot would to the chest. I cannot imagine every day what she goes through when she opens the garage to enter the house, but she was strong enough to do it.

 

I can't stop the visions from my head, of what he went through that afternoon & the decision to get up, pick up a rifle, walk to the garage, put it to his chest and pull the trigger. At ANY point did he think, what am I doing? What was going through his head? I can't stop wondering and questioning, going through his movements over and over in my head. He left no notes, no nothing so all we are left to do is wonder. He owned a business and talked to my mother and was at the business that afternoon, so what the heck happened? So may questions left unanswered and so many lives changed forever.

 

Everyday I still question why. I know he was depressed, had battled the disease for years but always came out on the other side. What was so different about this time? Why are my mom and I not good enough for him to stay around for? Didn't he know how much we loved him and wanted him here? We spent the last year battling this round with him and always made him feel loved, needed and most of all wanted. He and my mother were at the best place in their lives, clearly not for him I suppose. It leaves her with a lot of the same feelings I have, probably more intense than what I feel. We've always been a close knit goofy little family.

 

I've been trying to process, trying to deal but this week for some reason I'm having a really difficult time and finding way to reach out to others that understand how and what I feel.

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sincerelysherry

Jessicak, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Father and for the

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sincerelysherry

Jessicak, I am so sorry my previous did not go through correctly. I tired several times to retype it and it would not save.

 

Just wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. My Mother also shot herself and my daughter and I found her. Even though she did leave us notes, there were still so many unanswered questions. We felt so much guilt because we did not see the depression or pain she was going through. The grieving process and healing process is so much different than losing a loved one to an illness or accident. They chose to leave us and gave up therefore we feel horrible. It is a horrible sight that will never leave my mind and our lives have been changed forever. Who knows what goes through their minds? Whether they are born with depression, have mental issues, have addictions or chemical imbalances, we will never know. I guess they felt that just could not endure anymore. But never feel like it was your fault or anyone's fault, it was a weakness within themselves.

 

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this tragedy on top of losing your Father. I found that the things that helped me most was crying, praying, talking about it every chance I got, keeping busy, taking things slow, be good to yourself, go to counseling, reach out to others, volunteer, rescue pets or something in honor of your Father's memory. It will be two years in December when I lost my Mom and there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about it or cry. But, it does get somewhat better as time goes by.

 

I believe the thing he would most want you to do is be good to yourself and live life to the fullest. They apparently did not enjoy life so he would want you to be happy. I am sure he is watching over you and very proud of you and your strength. Just think how strong you have had to be and how compassionate you probably are to others now, especially those going through similar situations.

 

I pray that God will be with you, comfort you, give you peace and strength. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me. Sherry

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Kcable

I'm so sorry for all of your loss' I too have had my mother commit suicide to a gunshot. There is not a day I don't think about it I was 14And still have that memory like it was yesterday

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kmp394

 

 

I can't stop the visions from my head, of what he went through that afternoon & the decision to get up, pick up a rifle, walk to the garage, put it to his chest and pull the trigger. At ANY point did he think, what am I doing? What was going through his head? I can't stop wondering and questioning, going through his movements over and over in my head. He left no notes, no nothing so all we are left to do is wonder.

 

I can relate to all the questions running through your head.  Like you, I'm left wondering at what point when my dad woke up on November 5, 2014, did he decide to go out to the garage, get behind the wheel of his car, and run the engine with the garage door closed?  I try to imagine what he could have been thinking about when he did it, what his thought process was, if he knew how badly this would hurt me.  He also didn't leave a note.  

 

 

 

Everyday I still question why. I know he was depressed, had battled the disease for years but always came out on the other side. What was so different about this time? Why are my mom and I not good enough for him to stay around for?

My dad also battled depression, coupled with addiction, for most of his life, but like your dad he always got through it.  It's amazing to me that we are asking ourselves the exact same questions.  Why was this time different? Why wasn't I good enough for him to stick around?  I also struggle to connect with others who understand what I'm feeling.  Suicide is such a unique kind of loss, but you are not alone in asking these difficult and painful questions. 

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