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ConnorJamesDoyle

Lost my dad to suicide

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ConnorJamesDoyle

I didn't realise this particular board was here, so I'm reposting this here from the loss of mother/father board.

On May 22nd last year, I lost my dad to suicide. I've had my ups and downs but lately it all seems to be a big down. Worse still, I was the one to find him, hanging from our attic. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in his 30's, and took his life at the age of 53. I'm 18 now, and it was only until my mother left him roughly three months before his death (bearing in mind my mother didn't do this out of spite, she regretted it but it also stemmed largely from past things my dad had done and she couldn't take it anymore) that I learned he had this ailment, and being somewhat naive at the time, thought him being my dad he would be okay and everything would be okay.

Unfortunately however, things only spiralled downwards from then on. As a result of school needs and my girlfriend living close to me, I lived with my dad whilst he was in this state, whilst my mum moved away to live with her mother roughly 30 miles away. My dad became completely and utterly distant to me, never speaking to me and even when he did he would express his fear of life never being the same and that his head was somewhat "numb". This was then preceded by him being hospitaled after an outburst, resulting in me living alone for two weeks. And then, when I was coming home from school one day having finished all but one of my exams, I walked into my family home and I found him.

Afterwards, I lost everything. My home, my dog, my childhood, and was forced to live with my grandmother due to travelling issues with where my mum lived. A year on now, I'm still living with my grandmother and every day I still have that image of my dad stuck in my head. It's only recently this week that something has really triggered my outbursts of crying, anger and generally sadness. I've tried counselling but I just can't seem to get anything out of it. Really I suppose what this is is my cry for help. It feels as if I have no one to talk to and that I am completely alone sometimes.

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sincerelysherry

My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for your loss. I found my Mother on 12/1/12 in her kitchen. She committed suicide by shooting herself and it is an image that is embedded in my brain forever. She did leave notes for us and even left the clothes she wanted to be buried in on the bed.

 

It is a nightmare that no one should ever have to go through. Shock, devastation, guilt, anger and a hundred other feelings. I felt so guilty because I didn't see. I didn't see the pain and depression she was apparently in. The guilt is more than one can bear. I cried violently every single day for a solid year. You replay it over and over. My Dad had died the year before of natural causes, and it was hard and I was sad and mourned for him, but it was very different than Mother's passing. His was natural, that was not natural. They gave up, they left us.

 

I found that talking a lot about it, praying a lot, keeping busy, reaching out to others that experienced similar situations, help tremendously. Our lives have changed forever and we will never be the same. We will never look at life the same. Something within us died and there are no words, nothing that can ever fix it. But, I do feel that our loved ones would want us to go forward and enjoy life, to try to be happy, because apparently they weren't. We should honor their lives by be strong and courageous. It is so hard, but we must go forward.

 

Long before you or I or even our parents were born, you were created for a mission, a purpose. We each were. Our parents apparently must have completed their mission in life and it was time for them to go back home. We have not yet completed ours and we must continue that journey until our time.

 

My heart hurts so deeply for the pain you have within your heart, within your soul. I wish so much that I could reach out to everyone that has experienced this tragedy and give them a hug and tell them everything will be okay. Just know that you are not alone in our pain and as time goes by, things do get better. Who knows how long it will take to heal, months, years, maybe never. I don't know. It is a day by day struggle, but time does help. The best thing you can do for your Father is to live life to the fullest. He would want that for you.

 

May God wrap his arms around you, hold you close to his heart and give you peace, comfort, and strength. Give yourself permission to be happy again. Please feel free to talk if you need to.

 

Sincerely, Sherry

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