Jump to content

Find out how to register Here!!

Check out how to register on the site!.

Share Your Loved One's Pictures

In our beautiful Gallery

Grief Support Marketplace

Check Our New Products In The Marketplace

Take Grieving.com on the Go!

Buy on Apple and Google Play
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×
sequoianc

Slow Suicide, Severe Depression & Prescription Drug Addiction, Mother

Recommended Posts

sequoianc

Hello. My mom passed away almost three weeks ago. I am struggling to deal with what in some ways is a painfully slow suicide and some ways a sudden death.

My mom suffered from severe depression and anxiety for many years. She also suffered from chronic pain. She had been suidical on and off since I was about 11 years old and I spent a large majority of my life (over 25 years) trying to convince her not to abandon us by killing herself, trying to "fix" her, trying to find help and resources for her and basically becoming her mother to her and my four younger siblings in a lot of ways. She slowly became addicted to prescription drugs, beginning with benzodiazepines and adding muscle relaxants and opioid pain killers along the way (after a back injury close to 20 years ago). She was definitely over medicated and no one ever really tried to address the underlying issues, they just gave her more pills and patches. The intense mental health issues, combined with severe drug addiction brought my mom to a place of being completely isolated from the outside world in an upstairs bedroom, unable to care for herself and wasting away physically to the point of appearing decades older than she was, just skin and bones.

In the end, it appears that some part of her body just gave out and she died unattended in her bathroom. My youngest brother who was taking care of her found her body slumped over a trash can of soiled adult diapers. An image I will never be able to erase from my memory (I saw her before the fire dept showed up). She did not take too many pills, which had been threatened many times and how I always thought she would leave us. She may have had a heart attack or stroke, although she had no known history of cardiac issues. We will never know for sure because the coroner's office refused to do an autopsy and a private autopsy was way beyond the financial means of my family.

She wanted to die. She has begged me in the recent past to let her go and said that she can't stay here for us kids. My brother said that she was very affected by Robin Williams death in the week between his death and hers, even fixated on it. She said she understood how he felt and cried often about it, but said she was not crying because she was sad, she cried because she was happy that he was finally free.

I have been trying to find some grief resource that feels like it kind of addresses my situation and have been coming up short so far. I feel lost without my mom, even though she had checked out long ago. I did not get to say goodbye or anything else. I feel like I should be relieved that she is not suffering emotionally or physically anymore and that she finally got what she wanted, but all I'm left with so far is raw, soul-crushing pain and sadness.

Since her recent passing I have experienced chunks of time where I feel hopeless and life feels utterly empty and meaningless, which scared the crap out of me, but also finally gave me a taste of how she felt for so long. I get it in a different way. I feel horrible for not being able to let her go when that was what she clearly wanted and desperately clinging to the hope that if she could get the right care, she could find a way out of it.

Anyway, here I am right now. No peace. No answers. No mom.

If you know of any resources that might help me through this, I would appreciate the information. I have already been to one counseling session through Hospice and will be returning to treatment with my former therapist in the next week or two.

Thank you for listening.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sincerelysherry

I am truly so very sorry for the loss of your Mother. My Mother committed suicide by shooting herself and I found her. It too, is an image engrained in my brain forever. Never in a million years would I have thought she would have done that. She did leave notes for us.

 

Whether they are born with a chemical imbalance, drug or alcohol addictions, or have tremendous pain, they just want the pain, whether physical or emotional, just to end. It hurts so badly, they are only thinking of ending the pain and feel that we all would be better off without them, or we would be strong and could go on. I don't think they have any idea what it will leave behind. They do not understand the devastation it will leave behind.

 

I was so very, very close to my Mother, and I felt so guilty, so worthless, for not seeing what she was going through. I didn't have a clue and I felt like I failed her by not protecting her. I cried violently every day for a solid year. I found crying a lot, praying a lot, talking to anyone and everyone about it a lot, working hard, keeping busy, reaching out to others, being kind to myself, helped a lot. And it is true, time does help.

 

Our lives have been changed forever and we will never be the same. All we can do is go forward and try to be happy because apparently they weren't. They would want us to find the happiness in life they no longer had. Just think how strong you have had to be, think how much more compassionate you are now. Their mission here on earth was complete and we must continue our journey until it is our time.

 

May God wrap his arms around you, hold you close to his heart, and give you comfort, peace and strength. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to be  happy again. Who knows how long it takes to heal? Months, years, maybe never, but we have to try. Think of those who can benefit from your experience and compassion.

 

Sincerely, Sherry

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.