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Vapril

I don't know how else to cope

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Vapril

Let me start by saying I really hope this does not offend those who have truly lost a loved one through death.

 

I have lost my sister.  She has estranged herself from me because of my mental illness (bipolar and PTSD as the result of extremely violent physical abuse I suffered from my previous marriage).  She went from sending me cards and gifts of support every single day in the mail and email to refusing to talk to me, saying she has "killed off" all toxic people in her life.  She posts things on Pinterest that are hurtful about me, how I was a cancer in her life and how she now enjoys being an only child.

 

The only way I know how to cope after all these years of trying SO HARD to have a relationship with her (four to be exact) is to consider her as passed away.  I feel like I have done CPR on her and our relationship for years now and there is no heartbeat left in her.  I don't know how to cope.

 

I cry every day over the loss, therapy doesn't seem to help as I am simply told that my sister is the one who is losing and missing out.  But that is not true.  She estranged her children from me after I helped raise them through grade school and two of them haven't seen me in so long they don't even remember who I am.  I am devastated and broken over this loss.  

 

I have begun telling people, when the grief shows and I cry around anyone about it, that she died.  Is this terrible, immoral and wrong?  In my mind, it is the truth.  Even though my mental illness is fully controlled and I am a very high functioning executive, she still tells my mom that she refuses to acknowledge a "psychotic" family member.

 

Please, any input would be greatly appreciated and openly accepted.

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bepositive

It sounds like you love your sister very much.  An estranged relationship with someone we love very much and care about leaves us feeling vulnerable and helpless, in many respects.  Your sister has to conclude that you are no longer toxic.  Since I don't know all the details of why she would feel that way, I would imagine that with your mental health being controlled in addition to functioning - that with the passing of time it will re-open the door to a relationship.  You have to be honest in knowing that it could take many months or years.  But you have to remain hopeful.  But you can't force her.  It has to be at her speed with out constant "pressure" from you.  You stated in the past that she was really supportive of  you in terms of cards, gifts and emails on a daily basis.  Now is your opportunity to give her a gift of space and time but be open when she reaches out to you.  The Bible says that true love hopes in all things and endures in all things. 

 

You have to make the choice in whether or not to tell people your sister has died.  You have to consider that when you do that people often want to know how which means you will have to tell them a made up story about her death or expound on the estranged relationship.  You might consider just saying that you are sad over some personal/private thing going on with your sister. .And that the problem and distance makes you feel like you are in mourning.  

 

If you need to talk further feel free to reach out to me.  it sounds like you and your sister have a lot of history of love.   

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