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Jac S

found my husband journal, he died 7 weeks ago

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Jac S

I"m struggling here big time.  I cry all the time.  I'm so angry I snap at anyone. I hate seeing happy couples.  I want so bad for these past 7 weeks to be a bad dream.  I can't focus for long, I force myself to eat.  I find myself snapping at my kids all day long or crying like a baby.  Today I had the bedroom perfessionally cleaned and carpet removed.  I found his journal a week after he died but did not read it till yesterday.  I held off due to a friends suggestion it may be to dark.  On the cover it said "do not read if I"m alive"   Almost 2 years ago we had an intervention and he agreed to go to Hazelton for alchol rehab but they did nothing for his depression.  His journal was written there. It is very dark, talking about how depressed he was and how they did not help with the depression assuming it was alchohol related. He talks of how he loves me but can't help but be down on himself and how the kids and I deserve better.  He talked about how his mind played games on him.  He was a very intellegent man on so many antidepressants and topped off with alchohol.  In the last 2 years he tried to drink himself to death.  Rolled his truck and walked away, called the suicide hotline and got 3 days locked up.  If I found this journal while he was alive he was afraid I"d lock him up and he said he'd end his life there.  In the journal he left me a note saying he loved me and the children and if he could not get his depression under control and left us to forgive him for his selfish act.  So while this helps me with some answers there are also many I have no answers for. I knew him best it also hurts that I could not save him.  The last 5-6 months things were so bad between us, we didn't talk, we slept in different parts of the house.  He issolated himself from his children, friends and finally me.  I so wish I could have one more good day with him, one more time to hug him and tell him I loved him.  I said for better or worse and stuck by it.  I am so lost without him.  I don't want to be a single mom & widow at 44 years old.  I had to close our business also and am dealing with that nightmare daily also. We had so much to do, so much planned.  Now it's just me, a very sad & bitter me.  I'm sorry.....don't know who else to talk to about this.  Unless someone has walked in my nightmare they have no idea of how sad and lost I am. :(

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sincerelysherry

Dear Jac S, I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your husband. My heart goes out to you and your family. My Mother committed suicide 1 year and 8 months ago and I found her. It is an image I will never forget and something I never dreamed I would have to go through.

 

As you can see by tonight's news, with the death of Robin Williams, there is so much depression, so much sadness, and so much turmoil in the world. Life does become very heavy at times and some people have trouble coping with life and get so tired and weary. Whether they are born with depression, have addictions, or medicinal reactions, they have trouble within themselves and give up the struggle. Never feel like it was your fault. Think how many people have marital problems, are estranged or have any problems yet they do not take such drastic measures.

 

This tragedy is still so very fresh for you. I cried violently everyday for a solid year and as time has gone by it has gotten somewhat better. My Mother left notes, but yet still, there will always be so many unanswered questions. We all felt so very guilty because we did not see the signs or see any indication what was to happen. We all have felt was it something I said, or didn't say or something I did or didn't do? A million questions. If only we could re-do the last time we saw them.

 

We all will never be the same. We look at life differently, the world seems different and feels different. It will take a very long time to begin to heal. Just think how strong you have had to be and will be, just think how compassionate you will be to others going through the same fate. Be kind to yourself, pray a lot, sleep a lot, keep busy, talk a lot about the tragedy and him. Don't hold your emotions in, seek counseling. Be strong and go forward to live life to the fullest for you and your children.

 

May God hold you close to his heart and give you comfort, peace and strength. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Sincerely, Sherry

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budd2119

Wow. This was very difficult for me to read. The 19th will be 5 months since my wife's suicide. The one thing j have felt would bring me some peace would be to find and read her journal. She always kept it on her side of the bed. The police said they didn't take it and none of my family members that help me clean up have seen if. She didn't leave a note or anything so I grasp at any possibility that I may understand where here thoughts were. I hope this helps you to move forward.

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nick92613

I first wanna say how sorry I am for your loss. My brother committed suicide 11 months ago. For you, it's been 7 weeks and there is still so much for you to come to terms with. It's OK to cry. If you have family or friends who can handle it, yell and scream. It's still so fresh for you as it still seems so for me. We all grieve differently and find solace in different things. I turned my focus on my brothers family...trying to help them any way I could but I'm realizing this may be my way of avoiding my own pain. Or, I could simply find comfort in comforting others....I haven't decided yet. Your pain is real and needs to be dealt with one way or another. Unfortunately it has come that I need an anti depressant. With the pain of the loss and the stress in which the way it happened, all that can wreak havoc on your own state of mind....and your physical body as well.

You have more than I ever got which is your husbands journal. You know he had depression which upon my own research, can be caused a wide variety of ways. We had no idea. But I do know, even if we had, it really wouldn't have made a difference. He never would have sought help.

I take the time to read about others who have lost loved ones the same way and one thing that I've read on several occasions is, they are not looking to end their life...they are looking to end their pain.

Just know there was really nothing you could do. He had to do it on his own and even though he tried...he couldn't work past the depression.

You are entitled to your pain and to grieve as you feel. But know, your children need you now the most. I know that's a big cross to bare and I feel for you, as my brothers wife has to be there for her kids....and they are all young adult age. But that doesn't make it any easier for them.

Vent if you must. Find therapy if you feel the need. Find a book that will help you to cope. And know, sadly, you are not alone...

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nick92613

I first wanna say how sorry I am for your loss. My brother committed suicide 11 months ago. For you, it's been 7 weeks and there is still so much for you to come to terms with. It's OK to cry. If you have family or friends who can handle it, yell and scream. It's still so fresh for you as it still seems so for me. We all grieve differently and find solace in different things. I turned my focus on my brothers family...trying to help them any way I could but I'm realizing this may be my way of avoiding my own pain. Or, I could simply find comfort in comforting others....I haven't decided yet. Your pain is real and needs to be dealt with one way or another. Unfortunately it has come that I need an anti depressant. With the pain of the loss and the stress in which the way it happened, all that can wreak havoc on your own state of mind....and your physical body as well.

You have more than I ever got which is your husbands journal. You know he had depression which upon my own research, can be caused a wide variety of ways. We had no idea. But I do know, even if we had, it really wouldn't have made a difference. He never would have sought help.

I take the time to read about others who have lost loved ones the same way and one thing that I've read on several occasions is, they are not looking to end their life...they are looking to end their pain.

Just know there was really nothing you could do. He had to do it on his own and even though he tried...he couldn't work past the depression.

You are entitled to your pain and to grieve as you feel. But know, your children need you now the most. I know that's a big cross to bare and I feel for you, as my brothers wife has to be there for her kids....and they are all young adult age. But that doesn't make it any easier for them.

Vent if you must. Find therapy if you feel the need. Find a book that will help you to cope. And know, sadly, you are not alone...

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