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budd2119

she took her smile away from me

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budd2119

My wife always had the most beautiful smile. Now its gone. Never to be seen again. On January 3 2013 she attempted to OD but was no successful. She killed herself of Wednesday March 19 2014. She went out to a friends house the night before and stayed. We both were against driving while intoxicated. I woke up on the 19th and got our six year old son off to school. I was getting ready to leave for work when she called asking me to leave the debit card because she needed to get a tire out on her car. She sounded so excited and happy. I was on my lunch when she sent me a text asking me to ask my mom (which lives next door) to pick up our son from the bus.(this was not unusual ) I asked if she found a tire. I never got another response. When I got off work, I went to my mom's house and noticed my wife's car at home. I got my son and went home. From the moment I walked in the door everything felt wrong. We had a wenie dog and she didn't come running to greet me. My son ran to his room instead of mine like he does usually to watch a little TV after school. I'm so thankful he did. When I walked in my room there she was, with our dog laid beside her, dead from a gunshot wound to the head. I was in shock and immediately yelled for my son telling him to put his shoes on, we have to go back to nanny's. I sent him walking while I called my mom before I called 911.

I decided not to tell my son. She had a habit of staying gone sometimes so for the time being we told she was sick. Two weeks after, out of no where my son ask me if his mom was dead. Words cannot express the pain that came over me. that question along with other things that mg family and I noticed, led us to believe she said her goodbye to him. She. Didn't leave a note so this made sense. My son still doesn't know any details and I will keep the bad ones from him as long as possible. My wife was the third generation to commit suicide. Her dad and her grandma (on her dad's side) . they all three left this world in just a span of 11 years.

What you don't realize when you think you have hit bottom and things can't get any worse, is that in the state of mind your in keeps you from making the best decisions. Since her death I have made many decisions that I believed was not the best. Two months after her death, my mom who has been helping me care for my son, broke her neck and had to have surgery. A week later I was made to step down from my supervisor position. A little more than a month after that I lost my job. I can't help but be mad at her for all of it. What I saw that day, the only woman I gave everything for, laying there on my side of the bed (she was OCD and never strayed from her ways) with my gun. I will never get that image out of my head. I have always been the type of person that didn't get overwhelmed and j thought i could handle anything. I was wrong . I'm not used to having anything disrupt my focus.

I have made steps forward. I must do what's best for my son. I won't leave him alone.

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Jac S

It breaks my heart to read this.  I know this pain so well.  My husband of 15 years committed suicide on June 22 2014.  I walked into our bedroom expecting him to be napping and he had shot himself. I was in a state of shock still am 3 weeks later.  My husband was struggling with depression and alchohol but I did not see that day anyworse than anyother we had.  Things were bad between us so bad for months.  I have so much guilt and anger.  He left me with a business to close and 3 children to take care of. 

 

You are right when they get to rock bottom they don't think right.  My husband was not thinking clearly and I"m not sure what made him decide that day he'd had enough.  If he was in his right mind he never would have done it and would have noticed our 11 year old daughter was downstairs watching tv. I had left for 5 minutes to pick our son up at work.

 

My life has been hell for 3 weeks.  Have more ahead of me and alot of therepy for all of us. 

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budd2119

When I got home she had been dead for over six hours. There is nothing that can prepare you for that sight. I am so thankful my son didn't see her. I hope your children didn't have to see what you saw. I wish I were in a place that I could give some advice.

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Jac S

I had left for 5-10 minutes to pick our son up from work- left our 11 year old daughter home with dogs, nothing I havn't done a million times.  After getting home, I went about my normal routine.  Our daughter was on the couch, not doing or saying much- figured she was tired from her softball tournaments all day.  About 1/2 hour - hour can't remember time line I went upstairs to get a credit card and use the bathroom since our son was showering in the main level one.  I opened the door and saw instantly he was not breathing and I thought oh no sleep apnea, must go wake him, upon going to the other side of the bed I saw what he had done.  I was in shock, started to hyper ventalate.  Got myself together enough to send kids to neighbors and lock up dogs as I called 911.  Told the kids nothing except to go.  He was gone, I knew that looking at him.  Later when the police questioned the kids our daughter said a few minutes after I left she heard a bang, ran upstairs opened the bedroom door and saw her dad laying there not breathing, said she did not go farther in the room but knew he was dead.  She shut the door and went to the couch.  She said she did not tell me cause she did not want to see me sad and was trying to protect me as long as she could.  She is 11 and now we have some serious therepy for all of us.  She was in shock that night.  I'm so crushed.....depression and alchohol took my husband and there was nothing I could do to stop it....I have so much pain & guilt.  

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budd2119

I'm so sorry your daughter had to see that. One thing I have gathered from all of this is when someone gets to the point they're ready to leave this world, they won't always show the signs. When my wife tried the first time, she called to say goodbye to our son. I overheard what she was saying and took the phone. I made a few calls rushed to her. She was taken to the hospital and pulled through. Over the next year she had some ups and downs. Those last 4 months were the best I had seen her. I remember thinking after years of depression, she was back. I know now that she just got better at hiding to keep anyone from noticing and stopping her. It was the last thing I expected that day.

Jac s

I truely believe there was nothing you could have done. Don't beat yourself up. There is help for you and your kids. I'm looking for any help I can. That's how I found this forum. Its not fair,but we all must be stronger than we ever imagined.

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lizabus

"Its not fair,but we all must be stronger than we ever imagined."

 

Isn't that the truth! I'm going into my reserves now. But I try to keep that thought in my head and I appreciate your saying it.

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budd2119

I just got her phone back. I was able to unlock it and read her messages. I know it was a spur of the moment desicion but now there are more questions. I know what set her off but I can't believe something like that is why she is no longer with us. Its been extremely hard these past few weeks. Last Monday she would have been 29 years old. Tomorrow is September 4. Our wedding anniversary.

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Hank

i miss her too much...she is my life....she took her life 7 days 8 hours ago...i want my precious natalie back

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budd2119

I'm sorry for your loss . It is a tough road face. Just remember through the ups and downs you are not alone .

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