adult son not coping with mom dating after fathers death

[Rosina]

My husband of 33 years died sudenly of a stroke over a year ago. I started corresponding with high school friend through facebook. We met up and played golf and relationship has progressed. Only see him one week a month since he lives in another state. My adult son is always making me feel guilty for moving on. Loved my husband. Will never forget him. This person gives me back some of the same joy and happiness i shared with my late husband. Isnt that all that should matter? What am i missing??

[HeyJude]

Your son needs to grow up!!  If this new relationship is making you happy then by all means continue on with it.  Your son will come around.

[JennyC23]

My husband and I were married for thirteen years. I am 39 years old. Not so old and not so young. In a year or two or five I might find a good man to love again but I worry what my sons will think. How do I let them know that Sean will always be in my heart but I have a big heart with a lot of love and friendship to give. My step dad died a few years ago and at first the thought of my mom dating again filled me with dread but I have now "given her permission to date," and get upset with her when I call on a Friday night and she is home. I keep telling her she needs to find a hot 25 year old, use him up and toss him away.

[BaileyB]

Your son needs to grow up!! If this new relationship is making you happy then by all means continue on with it.

If I may, this type of comment makes me very angry. To me, it is selfish, unkind, and very dismissive of the grief the children feel after the loss of a parent. I'm sorry, I hear this all the time and I just have say, it makes me crazy.

Without knowing the personalities involved or the history of your situations, I will share my experience as an adult child who has lost my mother... And my father began a very serious relationship two months after my mothers death.

My advice, if you are interested, would be...

Understand that your children have suffered a loss that is profound and life changing. It is different than your loss, but the feelings of grief, the fear, the sadness... They are the same in many ways. My mom was my mother, my teacher, my counsellor, my best friend... I still feel sometimes like I could not possibly exist in a world without my mother... It's a different loss than my father feels, but it is a tremendous grief that I feel.

It is really difficult to see your parent move on to start another relationship. I expected my father to begin dating again shortly after my mothers death because I knew having a partner was important to him. I don't want him to be alone or to fall into dispair and depression. I knew that my mother would want him to be happy. But, with his decision to become involved with another woman (who had a family), I was grieving not only the death of my mother but the death of my childhood and my family as I knew it. I was being forced into a "new family" that - although they are nice people - I did not choose... My father chose this woman, not me. He may have been ready to bring her into his life, to find companionship again... But I was grieving my mother... I was not given the time and space to grieve my loss which really affected my ability to accept this new relationship.

The biggest mistake my father has made...

He didn't talk to us. He never talks about my mother, he took down her pictures and replaced them with her pictures, and he would tell us anytime we tried to talk about our feelings of loss or grief that it was time to forget and move on... He thought that he had a right to do what he wanted and we would have to deal with it. And, he does have every right to do what he wants... But, I believe that he also has a responsibility to be kind and compassionate to others... To show some empathy for how others are feeling, not just meeting his needs in his own grief and loss. We tried to do that for him... And I expected the same in return.

My dad could have helped the situation so much had he talked with us... Shared his grief and his feelings of loneliness. He could have asked us how we were feeling about our loss and how we were feeling about him dating again. Not that it is required, but there is a lot to be said for allowing your children the opportunity to give permission... To say "dad, I don't want you to be sad. I know that you loved mom but if you can find someone that makes you happy, I want that for you." Speaking from personal experience, when a relationship (or anything) is forced on someone, it builds resentment. And, that is what we have struggled to overcome.

I would suggest that you give it time. Everyone grieves in a different way, and at different times. If your children aren't ready, continue the relationship but keep it separate from your children. This is one thing that my father has still not grasped... That my relationship is with him... I will also have a relationship with her and they will of course be together, but my primary attachment is to him. If he only has time to see us when she is not around or will only see us when they are together, that's not ok. I would suggest that you try not to let the excitement of a new relationship negatively affect the relationship you share with your children.

We are two and a half years from my mothers passing... My father is moving in with his new girlfriend and we continue the process of getting to know her and her family. I am very happy that my father has found joy in this new relationship... But neither my brother or I particularly like this woman. Not because she is not a nice person, but because it's just hard to forget the things that have happened and the lack of understanding and consideration given during our loss. I hope this changes with time, but for now... It is just how we both feel.

I hope this helps on your journeys... It is certainly just my experience. I wish you both all the best in your new relationship and with your children.

[HeyJude]

For God's sake BaileyB, I can't believe you!!  I'm not even going to comment other than you sound like a spoiled brat.  Your dad doesn't owe you jack.  Your an adult, right? Then live your life and let your dad live his.

[BaileyB]

For God's sake BaileyB, I can't believe you!! I'm not even going to comment other than you sound like a spoiled brat. Your dad doesn't owe you jack. Your an adult, right? Then live your life and let your dad live his.

I'm really sorry to see your response. I shared my story with the intention of sharing my experience and perhaps helping others to understand what it may feel like for children in this situation. If you want to call me a spoiled brat, I'm certainly not going to stop you. But what you have said could not be further from the truth... I am a daughter who took six months off work to care for my mother while she was dying, who stayed at the hospital and slept by her bed for the last few days, who tried very much to care for my dad in his grief. Of course my father has every right to live his own life and make his own decisions. I'm not arguing that. I'm simply saying, everybody hurts. Everybody grieves. Everybody struggles. This was my experience. I have every right to my feelings and I have done my absolute best to deal with an extremely difficult situation. I am a reasonable person and I love my dad. But, there were things that he could have done to make this experience easier for all. For what it's worth, something to consider when dealing with your children in other similar situations. But, if you disagree... Then that is your opinion.

[Sammijo2424]

I lost my husband 1 1/2 years ago. I have just now started dating. The last year and half has been hell on earth. I always knew that if I died first my husband would have another woman very quickly, but told him out of respect for me, he must not introduce another woman into our children's lives for at least a year. I am far, far from introducing anyone to my children and grandchildren, my kids live 2 hrs away and one halfway across the country, I don't think my dating life and their lives need to be integrated in any way.

My Mother died when I was 30, my Dad had another woman very quickly. My Mother had been sick for a few years, and very sick for at least a year, he had already spent much time grieving her. I think men, more so than women crave companionship, especially those who were in a happy marriage. I, myself, was in a very happy marriage, and I miss the companionship, being friends, having someone to do things with, and yes, I miss the love and affection.

I just want you to know for several years I greatly resented the woman my Dad married, and never called her step-mother, but my Dad's wife. I had a Mother, and....I was an adult when they married. They were married at exactly one year after my Mom's passing. Anyway, I eventually forgave him and her (wich they never, ever asked for, my Dad never thought he did anything wrong, lol), and was very happy he had someone for the 15 years before his death, she cared for him when he was sick, did all those things for him his children could not.

I also have to tell you the grief of a child for his or her parent compared to grief of losing a spouse is sooooo, so very much different, your life was not torn out from under you, you did not have your partner ripped from you, only to spend every night and day alllll alone. If you are anything like my 3 girls, they all have husbands, small children and full lives. For me, I have nothing but them, and they don't want me around all the time, and I would never, ever do that to them at this stage in their lives. Yes, of course you grieve, mourn, are sad, etc, but unless you have been thru losing your spouse you can NEVER fully understand. At least losing your parent is the natural course of life, losing your 55 y/o husband is definitely not natural.

Of course you cannot be forced into liking her, I applaud you for trying, and at least giving her the respect she deserves. I believe it takes a very special woman (or man) to love and live with a man and his dead wife. Fortunately the man I am dating is that special, and taking things very, very slow.

Just wanted to give another point of view.

[BaileyB]

Sammijo,

Thank you for your post. May I say, I am so very sorry for loss. My heart aches for you and I wish you well in your life, particularly as you find your way in this "new normal" and begin dating again.

Thank you for sharing your story... As a daughter who lived a similar experience and as a woman who has lost her husband and is now seeing things from a different perspective, your comments are extremely helpful and very much appreciated. As I read your post, tears came to my eyes and I found myself agreeing with everything you said. It reinforces for me that although things could have been handled differently, we need to continue to try to accept this new woman and this new relationship. Obviously, I love my dad and want him to be happy. This relationship is important to him so I need to support him in that. But, it is a process... Both for me and for him;).

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Wishing you all the best!

[lonesomemike]

Rosina I know what you mean. I have met somebody on here who I would like to start a for a better term buddy relationship. somebody my age that I can do things with instead of being by myself all the time. Your son should consider your needs and not be selfish.

[Kylie72]

Bailey

Thankyou so much for telling your story I am a mum of 3 sons in their early 20,s and 18. I wish I had read this before making all the rushed decisions I made. My husband died suddenly 2and half years ago. I was fortunate enough to meet a man who I fell in love with. He also lost his wife. At first my kids were ok with me going out with this man but once they realised things had got serious my kids were very upset with me. I then found a house with this man and it felt so right. I will admit I knew my kids would be upset but I prayed they would understand and come round to the idea. I am now living with my new partner who I adore but I have lost my kids they hate me and hate my new partner. I have left my kids in the family home and most of our things. My eldest has become very Nasty and has threatened if I try to use our boat or touch the family home. I am so confused now I am in love but I can't be happy without my boys. I have no idea what to do. I know they are hurting a lot and I swear a big part of me moving on besides the loneliness was I didn't want my kids to have to change their own lives to be there for me I wanted them to get on with their own lives and thought me being with someone would help but I have lost them 

[KayC]

Kylie,

I would hope you would get some family counseling for all of your sakes.  The boys were undoubtedly fine with your being friends, but when you got involved, they felt you were replacing their dad and they resented you for it.  It would be good for them to hear the truth from you, how you knew they were about to embark on their lives and you didn't want to hold them back or impose on them so you tried to create a life for yourself.  Also that this man understood what you were going through, also being a widower.  I would try to get them to be specific about what they don't like about him.  It might help them to realize how trivial are the things they dislike and that the real issue is they don't want their dad replaced.  They need to understand they will only ever have one dad but other people can enrich their lives if they'll let them.  They are so young, they haven't a huge life perspective to look from and may need help seeing things, and it'd be easiest coming from a grief counselor.
They can't keep you from the home or boat, but at this point if you make an issue of it, it could be like throwing a bomb on the mess.  If things continue, you'll be forced to set boundaries and possibly have to live without them, the situation is created but now must be dealt with.

I wish you the best going forward.

[Kylie72]

Hi Kay

i have tried to explain everything to them. My eldest liked him until we bought the house. I am only 44 and to be honest I hated being alone it was lonely but scary for the future well I couldn't see a future till I met him. The biggest thing the boys are all struggling with is that my youngest is only 18 he has a girlfriend and a great job but his mum is not at home now. Basically they say I left our family to start a new one. They are all amazing young men just broken after losing their dad. I wish they could see I would love them all to move here with us. My 2 youngest live in the family home now and the girlfriends are there most of the time. I hate that I have caused even more pain than what they were going through already. If they would just see one day and hopefully soon this guy could enrich their lives not as a dad but a friend. He loves all the things we love to do he has boats he fishes he is really a fun guy. Sadly this rift with my kids is coming between us because I am so sad I miss my hubby terribly and now missing my boys my life as i knew it.

gary also has an amazing little boy who is 9 that I love to bits my boys would be so good with him and would help all of them.

I am so lost with what to do I was sad and lonely before Gary come along but now I'm sad well devastated not to have my boys. They were and still are my world we were so very close as a family.

Looking back now I do feel like a terrible mum leaving her kids but i hated living at home it was sad and the kids would not even let Gary visit or stay over as it was dads house. They say everything is their dads. They say Dad would never have done this. Dad was an amazingly good looking beautiful man not a doubt some beautiful lady would have snapped him up. 

I would do anything to have my hubby back our life back. His heart just stopped at 42 he went to work and didn't come home

[Chasisdope]

Everyone suffers a loss. My daughter is three but I know she would never be comfortable with a replacement, "daddy." And those were my husband's wishes before he passed. He expressed to me for the last several months of his life that he didn't want me to be with no one. No one touches me but him and no one gets to be near his children but him. My husband was always jealous and possessive in fear that other men may treat us bad. 

But if there is a guy that ever comes along and can appreciate my husband's struggle and respect him for his wishes, I would explain to my children and see if they'd consider. Grown or not, I feel that we can always try to communicate with one another because life is short. Tomorrow is not promised and I learned the hard way. I will never just put my feelings first and not think about theirs. Also, no one wants to dwell in this unbearable pain. We all have to do what we can to stay sane until it's our time to go. 

[KayC]

Did he leave a will?  Legally I think everything goes to the spouse unless specified otherwise, but you'd have to check with your attorney, different states might treat it differently.
Did you move away from your boys?  If so, they may feel deserted by mom too as well as losing their dad.  I still think family counseling would be in order.

[Emeliza]

Along with some many things I never knew....a man I knew casually had his wife pass away and was dating within a few months and married a few months later.  I thought it was fast, but didn't think much of it.  Now I get it.  When you have been married so long and liked being married, you still want to share your life with someone.  I generally think of it as a testimony to how much you loved the spouse that passed that you would want to venture into the  dating realm (so not fun) and put yourself out there.

I think at some point I will want to date again, not for a long time though (personally too soon for me---and I think it would be too much for awhile with my 12 year old), but some day.

Another thought on the "replacement" aspect.  When I had my second child, it didn't lessen my love for my first.  I would imagine that having another spouse some day wouldnt change my love for my darling husband.  I will never stop loving him.  We didn't end our relationship, his earthly time was just over.