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domniki

My husband lost his battle

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domniki

My husband was 47 years old. On April 15th, 2014. He had enough of everything. He had bills up the gazoo. He owed the IRS $6500.00. We were going through a messy divorce. He was involved in a car accident in Jan. The walls were closing in on him. He came by on April 14th, 2014. He went to my aunts home to talk tome and the kids. He was on 10 valium. feeling no pain. He also suffered with bipolar.. He did take his meds. He liked to drink and dabble with drugs.. Coke was his choice.. He told my aunt he wanted to kill himself in the car. Seal the windows.. To go painlessly. He wanted to talk to me, to try to work out a settlement. I was afraid because there was order of protection against both of us. He has been abusive to me in the past. My children have seen alot through the years. I have been with him since 1988. We have two children aged 14 and 12. They seem to handle it better than me. I am so heartbroken. The what-ifs are getting to me. He decided to end his life by jumping off the roof of his building 27 floors. I can't get that vision out of mind. What was he thinking, did he feel regret as he was falling? He left us all alone. I am not angry. I am in shock. I just wish he was here. I wish I had him put into the hospital, something. There were many times I wish he wouldnt come home. He could be so abusive and unpredictable. We all walked on egg shells. Still, he was my husband, and the father to my children. He deserved another chance. I wish I gave it to him.

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sincerelysherry

Domniki, I haven't been on the site for a while, so just now seeing your post. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss and your tragic marriage. I was married to an alcoholic, drug user, abuser, and while he has not killed himself, we did divorce 12 years ago. It was so hard to push someone away that you loved deeply, but you had no other choice.

 

My Mother committed suicide a year and a half ago by shooting herself and my daughter and I found her. Never in a million years did I ever expect her to do something like this. We had no clue, there were no signs. She did leave us notes and she said she was tired and in pain. It was the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. It is an image I will never get out of my mind. We will never be the same.

 

Unless one is a survivor of suicide, most people do not have a clue of the emotions and hell we go through. My Father passed away of natural causes the year before Mom and I was sad and I missed him and we mourned, but he did not chose to leave us and it was the natural order of things. It was a different kind of grieving we did. A suicide, on the other hand, they chose to leave us and we have questions that will never be answered, we wonder if we said something wrong, or if we did something wrong, or if only I had done this or done that, they wouldn't have resorted to that. We have tremendous guilt. It took me a solid year to stop crying violently every day, but it has gotten better, but I still have my days. You look at life differently and I suspect it will affect us always.

 

Just remember his death had nothing to do with you. You were not responsible. There was something within him that was not normal. Whether he was born that way, or the drugs, or whatever, he did not have the strength or capability to cope with life's problems. Millions of people go through hard times each day and do not commit suicide, so there was a weakness within him. So please, never blame yourself. You did what you had to do and that was protect yourself and your children. He made the chose to be a user and an abuser, so you did the right thing. Never blame yourself.

 

It will take a long, long time to even begin to heal. The things that helped me the most was cry a lot, pray a lot, talk a lot about it, over and over until you are exhausted talking about it, keep busy, be kind to yourself and realize what a very strong woman you are. You deserve happiness and a wonderful, quality life. He held you all hostage in a way with his addictions, so don't let him continue to control you and do the same in his death. You are a survivor and you will be able to reach out to those that are experiencing the same fate.

 

May God wrap his arms around you and give you peace, comfort, strength and courage. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sincerely, Sherry

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sincerelysherry

Domniki, just stopping by to check on you and see how you are doing? I pray that you have found some measure of comfort and peace. My thoughts and prayers are still with you. God bless you. Sincerely, Sherry

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