I am feeling so depressed and major anxiety over the death of my 22 yr old cat

[lvkathy]

I cannot believe my cat kiki is no longer here.  I have had her for 22 years and I am wondering when I will wake up from this nightmare.   she died on Monday march 3rd and I am pretending that I am ok, but in reality I think I am gonna have a nervous breakdown.

 

I knew she would not live forever, but everytime I took her to the vet she always surprised everyone and beat the odds.  I had her cremated and I have what I would call a shrine of her, pictures, her ashes, her favorite brush and I will be fine at times but I am not  doing ok,  I will have to admit.

 

I would do anything to have her back!   I have never bonded with anything like I did my kiki cat,  my cat came first even before my husband and he always knew it. 

 

its been 6 days now since her passing and I am wondering will I get over this feeling of tremendous pain. I am feeling like I will not be able to get over her passing and I wonder at times is this all real, is this really happening right now.

 

I am adopted and I have never bonded with humans like I did my kiki cat...    she wouldn't abandon me, she loved me no matter what,  she was always happy to see me, and I was always happy to see her.

 

everyone loved kiki, everyone said she was a different cat.  I hope things will get better for me, but the way I feel right now I don't think I will ever get over my kiki,  not have I even hurt this much for family members that have passed.     my heart aches so much I feel like I want to just run away, I cant even tell my husband that for he will think I am crazy.     I feel so empty and alone right now, I want my kiki back,  what I wouldn't do to just have her here with me now, I hope I don't grieve forever

I do hope things get better but the way I feel right now it doesn't seem like they will

 

 

very very sad and depressed

[nammi_nammi]

Hi Ivkathy.  I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.  What you are feeling is very normal.  Time will ease things.  We'll always feel sadness, but it will ease.  I know we want to feel better now, but we have to grieve and adjust to a new life without our beloved pets.  I'm struggling, too.  It's been 3 months now since I lost my whole herd of 10 cats to a house fire.  Plus I've lost other animals in the past.  I still find myself wondering when I'll wake up from this nightmare sometimes.  I feel as you do as far as relating to cats better than humans.  I'm married with a son, but my cats were always first in my life.  I think my son was jealous of them!!  My nephew called me a "cat whisperer" just this past Thanksgiving when I was trying to get my sister's cat to come to me and she did.  I feel lost without my cats with me.  Just allow yourself to grieve.  Let the tears come.  I'm reading a book now, and it said that those who seem to be doing the worst with their grief - crying, having a hard time - are actually the ones doing the best at dealing with it.  Don't try to hide your feelings or block them in any way.  Just allow them to come.  I wish the best for you and send you hugs.    

[insideout]

I can relate strongly to you about how you bonded with your cat. Anyone would feel the same way you do. Your feelings are completely normal. This is such a HUGE loss that if you can, I would get some professional counseling. Not because you are crazy (hardly, you are suffering a huge major loss) but this way you can really get the support you need to deal with this huge pain. I think this is a massive loss and want the best for you. Make sure you look for someone who does grief counseling. I went to a regular psychologist for pet loss counseling and it was a disaster. Make sure the person has experience in trauma. This is a very traumatic event for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. My heart goes out to you. You have ever reason to feel the way you do and I am so very sorry you have had to endure this. Sending love your way.

[Cowley]

Hi.   I know these words won't help much but really sorry to hear about kiki. I have some idea about how you must be feeling.  Please forgive the essay but i'm still trying to work out what happened in my head.  I lost my cat Peaches 2weeks ago tomorrow to kidney failure.  She had had health issues in the past about 4years ago and I really thought I was going to lose her at that point.  She was operated on and referred to the specilaist veterinary hospital in Cambridge.  They never found out what it was that caused her to be ill despite running test after test.

 

Anyway, she survived and I was so happy.   On and off she continued with her vomiting condition but always bounced back.    Last year she was fine.  I took her for a check up in December and all was good.  During Nov I had noticed that she was drinking more than normal but all else was fine so I didn't focus on it any further.     Mid Feb this year she got ill, was not eating and was withdrawn.  We took her to the Vet who said she may be constipated as she had been eating raw diet for a short while.  Few days later no change so we had bloowork done and it turned out she had CRF.   I was in shock when the Vet told me and said Peaches will likley have months rather than years left.  I couldn't beleive it - how could this be, how could it happen.   I remember thinking last year - how precious Peaches was to me and begged the universe to keep her and my family happy safe and healthy.  It gave me the opposite.  The last 13years for me have been one truama after another, including by brother dying aged 22, 7 years ago.   Just truama after truma - how was this fair.  I wouldn't wish bad on anyone but I know many people who have nothing to deal with, worry about.  Its not fair.  Why Peaches.  Why me.  Did I bring this on her by thinking about how I would feel about losing her when the time came.

 

She was my purpose , best friend, whole world and the only joy in my life.  She was there for me when all my so called friends dissapeared last year.   We tried various medications but her decline was alarming and rapid.  She wasn't eating despite appetite stimulants, skin and bones due to drastic weight loss and losing bladder control etc. It was heartbreaking.   Couple of the Vets said that I should really think about "making that decision".  Some said I should continue trying.  I was so confused.  It didn't help that we ended up seeing different Vets because if the spread out appointment times.  It was almost a bit like they couldn't be bothered with her because she had CRF and din't really make many suggestions as to alternative treatments.  It was me researching and goinbg to them saying what about this, what about that.     But I couldn't do it until I had tried everything I could to help her.  I owed her that.  Knowing that she would die one day as we all do, but as long as she was not in pain I wanted to try and help.

 

Many visits to the Vet later.  I asked mutiple times for her to be put on fluids as I had heard that they were really good.   I was worried at the same time that if she was admitted she would go off her food completely.   So much stuggle going on in my head about what I should do and when.    In her final week.  I took her in Easter weekend.  Vet gave her a Vitamin B injection and a bag of fluids.  I did want her admitted but Vet  said that the hospital was quite busy because of the easter weekend emergencies and other surgeries being closed and that If Peach got stressed being in hospital it may be better to bring her in mid week.  Also she said it would take 24-48hours for the Vitamin injection to kick in so see how she gets on.

 

So I took her home.  She still wasn't eating.  I thought of taking her in on the Tuesday (2 days after the Votamin B injection) but wasn't sure how I would do that because of work and her carrier box was broken.  I couldn't take her on the Thursday as was working late.  She really was not looking good so decided to just take her in her little cat basket in the car and called in to say I would be late to work.  As I picked her up and drove her to Vet- she was meowing at me.   

 

She was very dehydrated, lost so much weight.  Vet was not positive about her chances of survival.   They put her on the drip and when I called to see how she was at 4.30pm that same day there was no change.   Vet did say its not looking good.  On my way home from work as I approched my house I got this horrible empty dark feeling when I looked at the house.   I was just checking the sound to make sure it was on when the phone shrieked at me at 7pm.  It was the Vet.  As soon as the phone went I knew it was bad news.  I just knew. He said she had died 5minutes before. 

 

Since February I had been on a knife edge.  Not being able to take it all in.  I couldn't get my head round it.  One minute she was fine.  Next minute this happened.   I miss her.  The house feels awful, empty and lonely.  I hate it and have barely been able to get out of bed since it happened.   I feel so guilty for so many things.  Why didn't I insist they put her on fluids earlier, why didn't I take her for more check up's last year.  Why didn't I go see her after she died (could not face seeing her dead body).  I feel like I let her down and she died alone at the hospital.

 

I feel guilty for not bringing her home and burying her in the garden (I have a garden but not suitable), why didn't I bury her in my parents garden (they have lost of foxes hanging around and was worrying that she will be dug up by them), why didn't I bury her in a pet cemetery, etc).  In the end we had to let the Vet know within couple of days so decided on standard cremation (not because money was the issue for a private cremation but because I couldn't deal with seeing her as just ashes - selfish of me i know).    Its only now that i'm thinking I could have givenh her a private cremation and just asked them to scatter her ashse somewhere special.   Too late.

 

I have nothing now.   Peaches was still looking after me right at the end of her life by taking matters in to her own hands and passing, saving me from the pain of having to make that decision. 

 

I feel like I have nothing left.  No purpose, meaing to my life.  I don't know what I am going to do without her.    So depressed and 'can't be bothered with anything - just want to stay in my bed.   So I realy really do understand.  Lots of love.