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simple.insanity

I'm just really feeling like I'm drowning.

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simple.insanity

I new to this.

 

Well, not the whole subject. April of 2013 my boyfriend shot and killed himself in front of me. I was 18 and he was 20.  Really way too young...

I'm just...lost. I haven't handled it well. 2013 turned into the worst year of my life and my life feels like a total nightmare.

I already was a drinker but I fell off the deep end and turned into a full blown alcoholic, as well as an addict to cocaine/amphetamines/meth.

I'm kind of clean now. I had to be because I got into a bit of an accident of the vehicular type. But I still drink too much and I did a few bumps of coke tonight, to get through work. I'm thinking I'm getting a little bit too into my pain meds too...

I think I'm just here in an odd moment because I think I really need help. I don't know how to handle this, I haven't handled it. I haven't even thought too much about everything because I've been focusing on being totally wasted all the time so I didn't have to.

But I'm really scared that I'm going to be stuck like this. I can't seem to talk to anyone I know...I don't have very close friends anymore. So I'm here...

Please, I just need advice. I'm feeling like I'm drowning in loneliness and attempts to hide from memory and thought. I don't know what to do.

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ModKonnie

Simple.Insanity,

Get yourself to an AA meeting immediately. There are meetings everywhere in every town. Call a church and ask for help. Just ask for help. Tell them your story, and ask people to please help you. Doing a few "bumps" to get you through work is going to land you in prison or dead. You must truly reach out for help. Pain meds are very easy to become addicted to, and it happens before you realize it.

You won't be stuck like this if you do something about it. One way to deal with your problems is to talk about them. That's why AA meetings or grief and loss meetings help. If nothing else, just start talking to us.

Your story from what you've said is very familiar and normal for many, many people. I work with drug addicts every day, all day. Believe me, there is complete and total HOPE for you but you have to reach out and do something. By coming here, you have.

Does your family know about your drug and alcohol issues? Can you confide in them? Are they supportive?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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sincerelysherry

Simple.Insanity, I am so very sorry for your loss and the difficult challenge you are going through. My daughter and I found my Mother, a year ago December, just moments after she had shot herself. We were devastated and are just now beginning to heal and not cry everyday. My daughter had a harder time because they shared a birthdate.

 

There are no words that I can possibly say to make you feel better. Just know there are those of us out here that can relate to how you are feeling and we do care. Your life has been changed forever and will never be the same. You will look at life differently. You will go through every possible emotion life has. You will have a million questions that will never be answered. You will doubt yourself and feel guilty for not knowing what was going to happen. Just know that what he did, had nothing to do with you. People that resort to that option of their depression, is not right mentally, whether it is from depression, a mental problem or drug related, they are not themselves and thinking clearly. They feel hopeless. But, people deal with problems and depression everyday and do it without resorting to suicide.

 

You are a survivor. You are already stronger than you thought you could ever be. Take pride in surviving. I know you are trying to cover up the pain with substances. But remember this. God made you long before your ever met your boyfriend. You are special and unique. He made you with a purpose, a mission, a plan. Evil forces in life will throw everything it possibly can to derail you from your mission. Evil forces want to wear you down and make you give up. But guess what. You are stronger than that. You love yourself, you want the best for yourself and you are going to accomplish great things and do what is best for you and your life. No one and nothing is going to bring you down and make you give up. Life is too precious. You are going to find real, true love, you are going to have a wonderful job, you are going to have children one day, you are going to accomplish that plan, so focus.

 

Life is exactly what you make it. We all have horrible things happen to us and I have learned it is not the things that happen to us, it is how we handle it. And, I have learned that the only consistent thing in life is "change." We have to adapt to change and handle it with great strength. That strength for me has been God. He has gotten me though so many heartaches. He has comforted me in the darkest of times and provided me with exactly what I needed at that time. You have got to have faith and believe that he will help you through any heartbreak, any challenge. I am not perfect, I make mistakes and I get very stressed out at times, but that is okay. He helps me through those times. And you are just as important as anyone.

 

You have so much to live for. Picture your life the way you want it, visualize your good, beautiful future and go for it. Sometimes, it takes hard work and changing our attitudes, influences and habits, but it can be done. I have faith in you. I remember once when I was young, I wanted to give up and thought what was the point. Had I given up, I wouldn't have every known my beautiful children and grandchildren. Please, please, pray, work hard, clean up, and strive for your amazing future that is before you. I know you can achieve it.

 

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and please feel free to write anytime you need a shoulder.

 

Sincerely, Sherry

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simple.insanity

To everyone that responded to this and showed their support:

I really wanted to thank you, from the bottom of m heart. I made this page on a whim in a very desperate moment. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. You took the time to reply to me and for that I'm forever grateful.

I'm in AA now. I went to rehab, and now I'm in transitional living. I just got 7 months sober and my life is completely different from what it was. I can actually see the sunlight now. I still miss my boyfriend and still deal with that grief, but I now have the tools to handle that in a healthy manner.

You guys are all amazing individuals. I wanted to thank you for everything that you do.

 

 

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sincerelysherry

To everyone that responded to this and showed their support:

I really wanted to thank you, from the bottom of m heart. I made this page on a whim in a very desperate moment. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. You took the time to reply to me and for that I'm forever grateful.

I'm in AA now. I went to rehab, and now I'm in transitional living. I just got 7 months sober and my life is completely different from what it was. I can actually see the sunlight now. I still miss my boyfriend and still deal with that grief, but I now have the tools to handle that in a healthy manner.

You guys are all amazing individuals. I wanted to thank you for everything that you do.

 

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Supergrrl16

I understand the feeling of drowning like you can't breathe because of the pain you feel. My husband shot himself August 10 2011my whole world rip apart. I have lost myself my faith. I don't cry, holidays are hard cause he is not with me. His family won't talk to me because they blame me for what happened. I am lost and broken and I have so much anger.

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