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Complicated Grief


swede1

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I'm just really sad. Not a lot of people understand why I just don't go to be with my dad as I found out on Valentine's Day that he's now got cancer which has gone from his prostate into his bones. I can't go there. I know that he's not the angry person that he was when he used to abuse me, but the family is so dysfunctional that they can't understand my grief. If I cry even on the phone they don't get it. I wasn't allowed to express my emotions when I was a kid, as they'd make him mad... now everybody's scared to make him cry instead.

It's tough to grieve alone, in a different country then him, but I think that it would be a lot harder just to be there. At least there are real life friends where I live from church that now know, even if they don't get the part about the abuse. Plus I'm in counselling and have been for years to deal with both his sickness (he's been sick with heart and kidney problems for almost 10 years) and the abuse.

I have an elder brother who's a very angry person that I had to pull my mother away from once when she picked a fight with him. He's the one that I really don't want to see. I definately don't want to see him after dad's gone. Matter of fact I'd rather forget that I'm related to him or that he even exists. I haven't seen him in years and am not ready to now. The possibility of just being around him and him knowing where I live is scary to me.

The thought of the messed up family that I do have falling apart because my dad was the glue that stuck us together lately is something else that I'm not sure that I'm ready to face. Without my family it's like I'm totally alone, that I don't belong anywhere.

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My 43 year old younger brother died one week ago today. He was in a one person auto accident. When we were growing up in our loving, close knit home, we were so close and shared so many wonderful memories! As a young adult he became involved in drugs and alcohol. His friends were the type of people that were in and out of jail, alcoholics, and drug users. His wife told me she finally divorced him because of his addictions, and because he frequented prostitutes continually. My parents were constantly being milked by him for money. My children grew up rarely seeing him, because he lived 4 states away. Sometimes years went by where we wouldn't know where he lived, worked, or what phone number to reach him at, because his life was so chaotic. He moved back home about six months ago. At first I was happy, because I missed and loved him so much! But within a short time, after he showed up several times staggering drunk ranting and raving in the middle of the night at my home, I told him he needed to get his life in order, and get help. I told him to stop mooching off our parents, and get into treatment. He avoided me after that. Of course when he died, he had been drinking. 3 different women showed up at the funeral home all claiming to be his girlfriend, sobbing and saying how much they loved him. All 3 are dysfunctional, alcoholics, and I think at least one was a stripper. My heart is broken though, and my parents are devastated. They still blame themselves. I love my brother. It's just not fair that he never faced his demons and realized how he wasted his life, and hurt those who loved him so much!!!

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Justnicki,

I am 43 years old, and I have a close relationship with my dad. BUT it wasn't always that way. I went through years of emotional abuse during childhood. My dad was a horrible alcoholic. He physically abused my mother and severely emotionally abused and neglected all of us. During a time in my 20's I had become so tired of all of it. I was grown and out on my own, and I had the power to make choices for my own life. There was a time when I did not even so much as share one breath of a word with my dad for three years. I thought during that time that is anything happened and he were to die, I wouldn't feel bad for not speaking weith him. In fact, I felt I would get along better throughout my life. As time passed, I became more mature and wiser. I learned a lot about myself, and I learned one of the hardest actions to get to the point of really loving--FORGIVENESS. True forgiveness has nothing to do with whether or not that person derserves my forgiveness, or has done anything meaningful to earn it. It doesn't mean that I should expect in return rational behavio from the other person, or even that I will have a further developing personal relationship. It doesn't even mean that I entirely will forget the wrteched things that brought me to a need to forgive. But it does mean that I choose no longer to carry the sickness inside of myself of anger, shame, embarrassment, hatred, negative feelings, etc.. All of that can overwhelm a spirit and eat you up like a cancer over time.

After I truly began forgiving my dad, my feelings began to change. I realized more about myself in that process, and I realized some things about my dad that made me pity him. I began to relate out of pity, and then out of genuine concern. And finally I found that my love for my dad had been restored. It didn't happen by anything at all that he did. It happened because I forgave him. I trhink God guided me to that place of forgiveness and love for my dad--so thta I could honor God's commandment to honor my father and my mother.

A couple of years ago my dad underwent a bypass surgery and suffered some complications that found us concerned that he may not make it through. I was thankful during that time that I had found peace in my heart concerning my dad. It doesn;t mean I respect the dad he was when I was growing up. In fact, I have a hard time finding appropriate father's day cards for him because he has only been an admirable dad over these past ten years. But in my forgiveness, I found healing for myself, and I was able to move forward in my life without all of those consuming dreads and negative thoughts about my dad. I still remember things he did, but I look back now and am able to not get so angry and consumed with feeling cheated out of a childhood I should have experienced. The one thing I am especially grateful for is that when my dad's time does come to leave this life, I will not be filled with regrets and animosity for not saying what i should have said, or doing what i should have done--especially the part concerning forgiving him and learning to love him just for being the dad God chose for me. I didn't learn the typical things from my dad that kids generally do--all of the "good dad" things. But I discovered through the years that I still learned things, despite my dad's ways. I learned from him good work ethic, and a love for dancing, and he taught me more about who I didn't want to be, and the kind of parent I wanted to be with my own children. I believe in all bad circumstances, we can reach out to a loving God and learn from Him how to forgive and go on.

You may not get an opportunity to see your dad physically, and you may lose the opportunity to express one selfless act--just for the fact that he's your dad. He obviously was not a good dad. There may be so much about him you have no idea about--like cycles of abuse and inner issues that led him to his dysfuntion and failures. But you could write a letter to him and ask a nurse or someone to read it to him, expressing your heart. Even if you can't find forgiveness right now, take that one step to say something to him so that you won't look back years from now with regrets over something you can no longer change. You CAN do something now, even if it's just to say that you are so sorry there was not a relationship between the two of you, and you bid him farewell. What you say is up to you. But please weight your silence against a simple act of making some kind of communication. It could make all the difference for you for your lifetime. I hope for you a future of peace at heart, love and forgiveness... Faithfully, Claudia

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Guest, I'm sorry you lost your brother without having opportunity for restoration in the relationship. It's sad to see a life wasted and no opportunity for redeeming those acts of disrespecting and disregrding one's own life. No matter how much you dwell on that, it won't change anything, and that's a very painful place to be. I believe it's important that you also find forgiveness toward your brother for his actions against your family and against himself. You still have life and opportunity, and though you can't "fix" things concerning your brother by making up for his actions with yours, you can live out your life with honor and dignity for the simple fact that he's your brother and you love him. Try to focus on the brother he was before it all went sour. Somewhere along the way he became less worthy to himself, and that's so unfortunate. But you don't have to live out your life being ashamed of him and how his life ended. It's just a horrible, unfortunate accident... and others may know about him and how it happened, but you know about him way before the boy became a man. And there was deep love between you. Hang onto that and cherish those memories. Speak of those times with your children and with others who might ask. Remember him from the time before he was lost and forgive him for losing himself along the way. You may never know why he went the way he did, but you can know that you honored his life in a way that he just couldn't find strength and courage to do. I'm s sorry, and I hope you are able to move forward in love and peace. Blessings, Claudia

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Justnicki,

I think I got a little confused at the line distinguished between your dad and your brother. I'm sorry about that. I still feel you should at least write a letter to your dad if expressing your heart in person is not possible and expressing on the phone is too difficult. He should know how you feel.

About your brother, don't let him intimidate you and keep you from doing what is right and what you need to do for yourself and your family. It seems you have enough hard feelings toward him, and staying away from your dad should not be another thing added to the list of why you are unable to forgive your brother over the years. It's your choice and no one can keep you from making that choice, not even your brother... Love & prayers, Claudia

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Claudia,

My dad and I talk a fair amount. It hasn't always been that way, but it is now. Tonight we talked about him seeing his cancer doc. He thinks that the appointment is tomorrow (my mom wasn't home to confirm it). He made sure to let me know that he doesn't plan on putting up with pain. Said that he'd just quit having dialysis if it got painful, which we (his family) know that it would take about a week and he'd be dead.

The forgiveness thing... it took me 20 years to be able to forgive him to his face, but I did. Plus I went back when he had open heart surgery and almost died (almost 10 years ago) and made sure that he remembered that we were ok with each other, and that I love him.

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ladyhitchhiker
Ladyhitchhiker, I've not been to this forum for a while, and I'm sorry for missing your post. To answer you, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But, it's always wrong to intentionally physically or emotionally wound another person. Grieve as you see fit in your own heart. Be fair to all. Let your clean conscience be your guide. May your heart be filled with peace. My best thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark, Jenni's dad.

Wow.. haven't been here in a while myself. Mark, just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean that I would ever intentionally injure them emotionally. Would I ever share my song with those who have harmed me ignorantly? No. I move out of the way for ants. That's why I think it's so hard to grieve because I don't want to share my grief because I'm afraid I might hurt someone else.

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jackiewitter

To the guest that lost her brother @ 43. Are you my long lost missing sister I never knew about? I don't visit this thread often, I don't feel that I should come here when I have not conquered my own complicated grief. I happened to read your post and it was a little too close to home. I lost my baby brother in August of 06. My little brother (also 43) had just begun cleaning his life up. He had just gotten a really good job and he actually felt like he had a future. Does that make this less painful, no it does not. One thing that I can offer, and this early in the grief state it will be hard if not impossible, replace those more difficult memories with the ones from the past, the ones when you were a close knit family. I have taken the pictures of Jeffrey when he was a child, the ones when we were best friends. The pictures where he stood up for me at school, the ones when he was a teenager and had his first girlfriend. I focus on those photo's, I take myself back to that time when we both believed in each other and still had the world ahead of us like a fresh clean slate. Jeffrey too had numerous women at his memorial. One had only known him for a few weeks and she thought that he loved her and was going to marry her. I felt sorry for her, but I let her believe what she wanted to, it would have been cruel for me to point out the obvious 40 other women that were there. You cannot change his choices in life and while you think it was a waste, you have to try and remember the times when you held nothing but pleasant thoughts of him. While I wish there had been so much more success for Jeffrey's life, I looked around and saw many many people that were touched and saddened at his loss. I may not understand many of the things that he did, but there were people that loved him for what he was. I loved him because he was my brother. I hope that you can find solace in the memories of your childhood. I will keep you in my prayers as well as your parents. That was one blessing from God, both my parents have passed away. My mother could not have survived the loss of her baby boy, so for that I am eternally grateful. Peace and blessings, Jackie.

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Hi I lost my brother december 28th 2006 due to a drug overdose. We too thought he was doing so much better . There are so many things that go thru ur head when soemone you love so fiercely dies unexpectedly. especially the way he died. In his condo with his drug dealer who let him lie there for a day while she decided what to do.Eventually the cops were called and the cops called in robbery/homicide cause the chicks story was fishy. Well fast forward 3 months. I still hope more than anything he knew how much he was loved. Everytime I think of him I hear the song true colors in my head. he had no idea how wonderful he was. Heres an excerpt from his website I thought I'd share...

This passage from Shakespear's Romeo and Juliet reflects my sentiments exactlywith regard to my remarkable little brother Christopher...

And when he shall die

Take him and cut him out in little stars;

And he shall make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night

And pay no worship to the garish sun

Christopher was such a unique and true-hearted person - no amount of space would be enough to pay proper tribute to my brother. All I know is that I miss him every day, and I know that in many ways, I will never get over it, never stop missing him.

It's such a fundamental flaw in human nature that makes a person take their loved ones' presence for granted - and become complacent with the notion that they will be in our lives forever. With Chris' sudden death I find myself feeling so overwhelmingly sorry that there are things that I feel deeply that went unsaid. We have never been a 'touchy-feely' bunch, us Congers - always preferring the well-placed jab or left-handed compliment to actual gushings of love and affection. But that's because of that flaw that most of us are plagued with - we assume that there'll be plenty of time for the serious stuff. And I know it's been said before - but for God's sakes - life is never a guarantee. All we have is right here, right now. If you feel something, and you have the opportunity to do so - SAY IT. The uncomfortable way it makes you or your loved one feel will pass. I promise you - it's a far better thing to spend a few akward moments professing love or forgiveness or humility, than to spend eternity wishing with all your broken heart you had, but didn't. All we can do when they're gone is hope and pray that they knew, and that they took that knowledge with them. This is my fondest wish for my brother. I loved him fiercely, with all my heart, and I still can't get through an hour without breaking down. I miss him so.

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I really have to vent! I HATE my brother and sister in law, and I feel my family is really toxic. I am writing off my brother and sister in law even though my 12 year old is there I am not allowed to speak to her, hug her when i want, tell her i love her. MYHEART IS BROKEn. I WANT to blurt out how all the losses hurt and the pain is so real

First my mom was not affectionate to me, she hardly ever told me that she loved me. I CRAVED IT I WAS DESPERATE FOR IT. MY dad died in 1993, from liver cancer. My oldest brother died 6 months earlier from heart disease or oDing. My mother died in 1999, my oldest daughter got type 1 diabetes 3 years ago, My first boyfriend shot himself in front of me and died in 1977, 18 years later his youngest brother shot his mom, his dad shot him and then himself. I went to that triple funeral too. My first husband died at age 41 from alcohol abuse 2003. Lost an unborn child, Ben, in 1997. My second husband and oldest daughter are my only family now. I am suffering so bad.When does all this grieving find a place?

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keekeenov26

I don`t know if this is right. But for so long I have wanted to say this to the world. My husbands family are all heartless you know whats. On Nov.25 his mother took him to aparty where he did shots of liquor until he passed out. Then he was dragged out to her car and thrown into the floorboard. She drove home with him like that and then left him in the car, never checking on him until I called the next day. When she told me he hadn`t moved I left to check on him, I found my precious husband dead, His pants were down around his ankles where they had came off while being dragged to the car, they let him die like that.My husband was not a mean man, he was always helping other people and never met a stranger. He had a good heart and almost everybody liked him.The people at the party were all family. I never get any visits from any of them or even a phone call even though we all live within ten miles of one another It`s like I died too. I hate everyone of them.

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4everjoeysmom

KeeKee, I was so shocked by your post, and am so very sorry for you that you lost your husband--and for the terrible way that you lost him. I cannot say that I would feel any differently than you do. What they did is apalling, heartless, brutal, and nothing less than a crime. They should be filled with guilt and shame, but somehow by what you've explained it seems doubtful that they are. They sound more like animals than people. I'm so sorry for you that you are going through this grief and loss. Perhaps you are better off not hearing from them... although I'm sure it's so bizarre and lonely at the same time regarding them specifically and not hearing from them. I've witnessed a lot of dysfuntional realtional stuff in my life, as I grew up poor and in an area where alcohol mixed with a whole lot of lacking sense found people doing things that rival what you've seen in your in-laws. It's a side of humankind so depraved... I hope and pray that somewher along the way you are able to find a good and healing support system. What has happened to you is just terrible and no one deserves to endure your kind of pain. Hugs, Claudia

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ladyhitchhiker

It's right after dad's memorial mass, and Aimee - my sister - her husband Hans is talking to me about selling the house! My dad ONLY died on Saturday!!!!!! It's been four effing days and you want to talk about selling the house?!?! What is WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?

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mofirefly

Ladyhitchhiker - It will never cease to amaze me how some people act - at my husbands grandmothers funeral, the six children (my father-in-law included) left the funeral parlor and went into a separate room at the funeral home and then left immediately for the bank - because all they wanted at that time was to be sure each of them got what they felt they had coming. It was a total shock to me and has left me with even more unresolved emotions whenever I have to be around my in-laws. I truly hope that what is to be done with the house in questions is addressed in a will or something similar - and that you will have the conviction of your heart to tell others that this is NOT the time to deal with this. There are very many articles that state a person dealing with grief should never make important decisions that can be done later. My heart goes out to you - take care.

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princessdss

MOFIREFLY and LADY HITCHHIKER..........I too have had greed of family but what is worse is when the PER POA is your father s sister who hate and despises one of the nieces and yes THAT WOULD BE ME!! M sisters from WIS and CAl weren t around for the 8 or 10 years of my parents living in FLorida but my GOD they found ways to not only fly once but twice and then made their way down to florida to get my dad s big screen tv and my parents mini van and mangage to swindle their way into their money acocunt....i am amazed that I have tried to contact the lawyer and they have not recieved my phone call but even worse my aunt tried to YELL at me for contacting them!!!EXCUSE i said in a letter stated CONTACT ME IF yu have any questions...what the hell does that mean???so i am pissed and upset...i know the file date is Nov 17th is there time to contest on all this stuff being May 2nd maybe I need to do that??to get any satisfaction..

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mofirefly

Princessdss - I'm not clear on the dates Nov 17th and today - but if you feel you have a legal right to contest what is going on, then by all means contact a lawyer - usually they offer one free consultation to let you know if you have a case. The only other advise I would give is for you to somehow let go of the anger you are having as it will devour you...I don't mean that you should just let the others have their way...just that you need to focus on what YOU CAN DO, not what they have done. As far as people suddenly showing up for funerals - I too despize that and have made it quite clear that if people care about me, they had best show me while I'm alive. Please try to find help for your situation and then try to find a release for the bitter taste of anger. Take care.

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Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

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reensworld

So many losses....too many to count and this is just pusing me over the edge. I recently lost my mother who was the most precious and cherished person in my life. I am an only child so I feel very very alone. I have no kids either.

I had a really intense seperation due to my husband's drug use. As a result, I lost everything I have worked for for the 14 years before that. Last year I had to sell the house where I grew up. Its all been such a nightmare. Loosing my mother has been by far, the worst. I would call this complicated grief. I feel so empty.

I know I will survive becaue I always do...but this sadness is overwhelming. I am blesssed with so many great people in my life. I just have to work through this, the most intense loss in my life. Nothing (except the loss of a pet) will be this bad ever. So, I'm over the worst. Its done...now my heart will break for other people who loose loved ones.

I wish I could be less obsessed with myself and my feelings but right now this is what I have to do to get though this. Reen

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4everjoeysmom

Reen, Try not to be so hard on yourself in calling it "obsessed". You recently lost your mom. That's huge. The world tells us to go on with it, move on, get over it, etc, but when we lose someone so precious we are permanently changed. I wouldn't call that obsession. That's reality. I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss. Having had the trials you've undergone in the past year or more, I can't say I would feel any different. It's devastating. And Yes we will survive, but we still have to learn how to live in a different way, because we don't think or feel the same way we did before such a tremendous and traumatic loss. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve without harsh judgement on yourself and how you feel. It's a bumpy journey, this thing called grieving, and you've had it complicated by other factors that had devastated you beforehand. I'm so sorry. I do hope that those great people in your life will stand by and give comfort, a shoulder now and again, and warm friendship that brings you some moments of peace, some sunshine and a few smiles along with your beautful memories of your mom. Hugs, Claudia

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Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

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princessdss

at a loss for words actually money being distributed and thngs taken out of their home almost like it did not even happened..but it did and I feel like I have woken up from a deep sleep and realize al the decisions were made and thngs taken and guess what I AM NOT TAKING crap anymore I made appoint to go to the laywer tell him what I was not allow to be signed and under my grief i have been taken advantage.i guess know no one will get anything else!1and that is all to bad but they have taken and taken and taken until the ouse is cleaned out but not the bank account i wont have nothing more sign...and they will see and pay for all their bad decisons just i lay my head at night and know that my conscience tells me i did okay with my grief..........

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I need your help with my terribly dysfunctional family situation as my mother passed away yesterday.

For approximately 7 years, I was the primary caregiver to my homebound 80 something year old mother. When she became too much for me to care for and no other caregivers would work for her anymore, I had to force her into a nursing home. Never once in all of those years did any of my three siblings offer a reprieve nor did they lift one finger (except one did wipe out hundreds of thousands of dollars in my mom's bank account that left her broke and on government aid)

My siblings refused to get involved with mom's care nor would assist in making a decision on any level for nursing home care. I was forced to play the so-called tough love card.

Shortly after my mom went into the nursing home, my sister hired a lawyer who accused me of doing wrong by my mother. She didn't even tell the lawyer that I was her sibling and he accused me of being a thieving caregiver (which I actually spent thousands of my own money in support of my mother since she was broke). My sister also got my mom to sign a paper that removed me as her healthcare power of attorney....made sense as she was mad that she was forced into a nursing home.

Then a few months later, my mom had a major stroke. My sister blamed the stroke on me and would throw a fit every time I visited my mother in the nursing home. I got tired of going to the nursing home as my sister made it a point to upset me each time. So I stayed away for a few months and recently found that my mother was in grave condition in a hospital. Last Tuesday I went to visit my mother who was obviously on her death bed.

Today I received a call that my mom died in another state. My sister somehow got my mom released from the hospital to die in another state. Now my mom is being brought back to my hometown for services and burial.

I'm the person who takes care of the funeral and am the executor.

What my problem is, is that my sister never even consulted one family member when she pulled my mom out of her death bed and hauled her to another state to die. My mother's family is all from my area, and none of us were afforded to pay our last respects. My sister never informed me when my mother died. A relative called me to tell me what happened.

This is so shocking to find that my sister never called any of her siblings and took my mom off of her death bed and transported her over several hundred miles away.

It doesn't make any sense and it's all such an upsetting situation. I feel like telling her how immoral she is. What do you think is the best way to feel/react? My sisters attitude (which she does act as if she's the only child will most likely loom over the entire funeral) has really been a roadblock to having those special moments on my mom's last few days.

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Guest

That was your mom try to be the one who goes the extra mile and not like your sibling who is a spoiled brat. The funeral is your families day to grieve for her. It could have been worse and she didn't notify you.

I know this is hard for you. My daughter is going through the same thing over her dads death in June but is the cheating wife who hasn't been around in thirteen years and didn't even go to the grave site with us. She changed all the locks on the house and locked my daughter out. I forgot to tell she had just lost her sister in April and so this is not easy for her. She has decided to step mom have the bills and her and two others share life insurance(stepsister,dead sisters son) Hang in there and remember your mom you took care of her and she loved you.

Deb

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Have not visited for a while, thought I was doing ok. It has now been nearly 5 yrs since I lost my beautiful boy Rien (18) His father my ex was responsible for his death.He was going to be charged by the police but they said they didn't have enough evidence, what a joke. People drive off the road every day and kill innocent people and are made accountable - why not him! He has not spoken to myself or our other son since 2 months after the accident, nor has any of his family. For some reason I find myself with this overwhelming desire to track him down, I want so much to forgive him but at the same time I hate him. My surviving son Glen has told me that he will support me with this - but I wonder if I would be opening a huge can of worms. How I wish that I could move on from these feelings - I wonder if the universe is presenting me with this dilemma - perhaps I need to confront the ex - maybe this will be the only way to put closure to him and what he did. I have thought "what am I expecting from him" Have thought about this so much it drives me crazy, I don't know what I am wanting from him - maybe a simple "Sorry for taking the life of your beautiful baby". So my beautiful boy - you are in my heart and soul - Play nice Rien. xxxx

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My name is Kyle and I just lost my dad 4 months ago to lung cancer. I'm having a hard time grieving his death because of the abuse growing up. I have 3 sisters and a brother and I was the only one he abused. His way of abusing me was taking me to the garage and making me take my shirt off and hitting me in the back with a belt. I never could understand why it was just me. Now that he has passed away I don't know how to grieve for him. My family tells me that I always deserved the punishment but I never did anything different than my siblings. I wanted so bad for him to love me and that's all I ever wanted and now he has passed away and he passed away hating me. I would give anything if I could change things and maybe done more for my dad to make him proud of me but now there's nothing I can do. What makes it harder is my family blames me so I feel like I'm all alone. I have been drinking alot since my father passed away. It's the only thing that takes the pain away.

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Um, my abusive dad just died a month ago and i am trying to find anybody in the world to relate to about how confusing and alienating this is. The rest of my family are all together. I have not been a part of the family for many many years. Anyways, just looking for something to hold onto while i am completely dissociated from myself. I hope you are all okay!

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My Mother died in Feb. afer being in a ursing home for 6 years - due to a major stroke which paralized her on the right side and she could not talk. My Father blames me for not moving back home to take care of HIM. DH and I offered many times for him to come and live with us, but he smokes and does not want to give it up. DH has asthma, so smoking is not an option in our house. I go back at least twice a month and keep in contact almost every day, but Dad does not feel this is good enough.Anyway, a second cousin had been \"helping\" him out recently. At one point she and her husband/kids were going to move into Dad\'s house, rent & expense free, to \"take\" care of him. This almost happened except that I told Dad he needed to get a legal document stating that this \"Cousin\" was not getting the house or property, etc. Once that was brought up, the Cousin decided it was not something she wanted to do. I think that gives the best pic. of what is going on.

Anyway, she occasionally does things for my Dad but he always pays her. He gave her his car when he bought a new one. She was going to pay him, but that has never happened.

As time has gone by she is getting my Dad to belive that he can\'t cope or do anything without her approval. I find this distressing, but Dad says he \"needs her because she is close by\".

While my Mother was in the hospital/hospice, this Cousin comes in and telle me that SHE will be the one to take care of the funeral arrangements, call the funeral home and buy my Mother\'s burial clothes! This she states loudly right in front of my dying Mother who is still alive and can hear all of this. Shocked? You bet. DH and I told her, quietly but firmly, that this was not the time or place to be talking about such things and that my brother and I would take care of them. This didn\'t stop her and DH took her arm and escorted her from the room telling her to watch what she was saying in front of my Mother (who was in a comma type condition, but the hospice people told us all to be careful about what we say as she could still hear. Cousin was well aware of that as she showed up for the meeting with the hospice worker when Mom went into hospice care (SIL told her of time etc., but that is a whole other matter)

As it turns out, Cousin runs to my father and tells him how badly I treated her. Dad tells me I have to let her do all these rights of grieving because he doesn\'t want her feelings to be hurt. I can't even begin to express how terrible this made me feel. As the only daughter, I wanted to help pick out Mom's burial clothes, but I was now pushed out.

Also, anytime I tried to do something, get out a picture of Mom for the funeral home for instance; my Dad would yell at me and tell me to let the cousin do it. What the heck was going on.

My Mother passed away and my Father couldn\'t even be there...he was too busy doing laundry (so he said) and Cousin was calling the nursing station ever hour to see if Mom was still alive. THIS while I was sitting in the room, talking to my Mom, singing, telling her about various good times we all had, funny instances.

I ended up having a hysterical break down and had to be medicated and couldn't attend the funeral. After I had the emotional break down not ONE of my broher's or even my Father bothered to call me. In fact, my Father never even let me know the funeral details....nor did anyone else, DH called them to tell them that I had been given medication, and to let us know. No one did. BUT, the day AFTER the funeral, my Father calls up looking for me. I won't speak to him. DH told him that his actions towards me were wrong. That I was his daughter, that I was falling apart and all he could worry about was the Cousin, the Cousin's feelings and that the Cousin should make all decisions.

Needless to say, I feel very isolated and alienated at this. DH and I have been to the grave site. When I went back down this month I found the head stone in place. I was told that the "family" had had a ceremony when it was placed. I was never informed of anything.

I want to say one more thing about this Cousin and my Dad. Seems a lot of things are and have been disappearing out of the house. Now, DH and I are getting ready to retire and downsizing oruselves so we are not looking for any of the furniture, etc. But that has been disappearing. AND, my Father has accused me of taking things. I have taken NOTHING from the house. I would never do such a thing. Before Mom died, when I was at my Dad's I noticed that her dresser set was gone. Several antique items have also disappeared.

I am really hurting from being pushed out of the funeral for my Mother. And I am also hurt by my Father's accusations that I am theiving from him. I am not! What I am concerned about is this cousin who seems to have him believeing that she is the only one that can do anything for him. And what she does do she always expects to be paid for.

When my Mother was first taken to the hospital from the nursing home, this Cousin called me from my Dad's. I asked to speak with my Dad and she refused to let me! The Cousin told me that it wasn't necessary for me to come down to the hospital...SHE would let me know what was going on. I had to call my Dad on his cell phone to get through to him, as she kept answering the house phone when I called back refusing to let me talk to my Father. He tells me that she didn't do this "Why would she do that" he says.

Now a bit more about this Cousin. She only showed up on the scene about a year before my Mom had the stroke. My Mother, a very good hearted woman, felt sorry for her and her children and would help them out by giving them money (bad move). My Mother had inherited a very sizeable estate and the Cousin was zeroing in on it. You know, like all the relatives that come out of the woodwork when someone wins the lotto.

Since Mom's stoke she has been preying on Dad, as I said about the house. My Mother gave her money for a down payment on a home years ago and I find it interesting that she does not want my Father to go live in that house with her; but wants to move into his house. Dad would be paying for utilities, food, etc. Her expenses would be 0. And she would be bringing in her husband and 3 children.

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As for my brother and his wife, after my Mother passed, we went to the nursing home....I wanted to get her glasses for the funeral director. All this Cousin and my SIL could talk about was getting the funeral over with. SIL didn't want my brother to have to take any vacation time....she didn't want to waste the vacation days on this. Imagine! I could not believe what I was hearing from these ghouls.

SIL was concerned there might be a delay because I have another brother that lives in Europe who would be coming back for the funeral so she was afraid that it might take longer than her husband's 3 day funeral leave. Heaven forbid he should waste a vacation day when they could be at their trailer down by Starve Rock, IL.

At the nursing home, the Cousin was ramsacking through my Mother's clothes and things I had given her and taking them! Until I put a stop to it. This cousin was no better than a grave-digging ghoul, she was looking for my Mother's wedding bands.

I was totally appalled by the insensitive behavior by one who, in front of my Father, acted so caring and behind his back was diggin around for what she could find. When I mentioned this to my Father, he called me a liar. THAT I am not.

I am wondering if there is anyway I can protect my Father from this Cousin. I can tell that I would have loved to have my Mother's dresser set...it was comething I used many times growing up and even before I got married, I was in her room using her comb and brush...it has great meaning to me.

DH says I might want to puruse eBay to see if anything from the house is showing up there. Some of the fine china, figurines, silver. Lots is disappearing.

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I know I did right by my Mother. Sure, I would have loved to move her to a nursing home closer to me. My Father wanted me to quite my job and come and take care of him. He told me that I could go back home on the weekends to spend time with my husban! Imagine!

I am very angry at how my Father treated me at the time of my Mother's death and how he pushed me out of being a participant in the final rites for my Mother. When I tried to explain this to him a few months back he told me that the Cousin said I told her I didn't want to be involved. I was furious and said that was not so, and I would call her a liar to her face. Unfortunately, my Father sides with her - as he told me - he needs her, she does things for him.

My brother likes the Cousin because, as he says, if she wasn't there HE would have to do something. Imagine! What an attitude. And here I am. I use to run down there 500 miles one way, twice a month. I also have a full time job so this was pretty demanding, but I did it because I wanted to see my Mom in the nursing home and also my Dad, and to check to be sure that he was okay.

Oh, and the Gold-Digging Cousin really didn't get interested in my Father until she came up with the idea of moving into his house. As I said, my parents gave her money for a home several years back. Of course, what she has is no where near the kind of home my parents have....and that is what this Cousin had/has her eyes on.

I am angry that my Father would blame me for things missing. I am angry that my Father would, at times, tell me to take things and then take them back because he "doesn't want my brother to get upset because he gave me something". I always felt that nothing of my Mother's shoud ever go out of the home while she was alive. That even though she was in a nursing home those items were still hers. And I feel the samething about all the things in the house....that they are my Father's and should not disappear as they are doing.

I personally think that he might know where the stuff is going, but because he feels he is so dependent on this Cousin, he is afraid to say anything to her. That also concerns me. I know I am not right next door, but as I said, I do my best.

Unfortunately, now, after the way he has treated me I want no more to do with him. I even told him that one of these days he was going to have to answer to my Mother as to why he was treating me as he was.

It is just sad to see this man being riped off by a gol-digging Cousin. Unfortunately, it happens all the time. Her type finds someone elderly or dependent and then moves in on them. I will tell you that several years back this Cousin's father told me to watch out for her. Her own Father, who also has money, won't give her a dime.

Okey, so my exact problem is that everytime I think of and start grieving for my Mother; I think about my Father and what he did to me and I get so angry and upset. I don't know how to handle this.

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Dear Guest, I'm so sorry your grief in losing your mother is so coumpounded and seemingly impossible in your current situation with your father, and the lack of support from your brother. I have no words of wisdom, just compassion and heartfelt pain for your loss and continuing anguish.

Have you consulted with an attorney?

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I haven't posted her before, so I hope I'm doing it right. I have 6 children and a husband who is the stepfather to all 6. On March 16ht 2007 my mother passed away after Mets of breast cancer, this was very traumatic to the whole family. My moms death was most difficult for my 25 year old son who lived out of state. My son came in from arkansas to ny for moms funeral and was able to visit with all of his aunts, uncles, cousins and 5 siblings that he hadn't seen in about 4 years. On June 7, 2007 my son died in a motorcycle accident, back in arkansas. I flew him home to join his family one last time on this earth. I feel like my children and myself are starting to get very resentful of my husband. Is this normal?

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Petesgrl, Lashing out in the anger pert of grief is normal, but obviously not healthy. For your husband, he may feel like everyone is ganging up on him. I do feel for him in that situation. But I feel for you too. I lost my 24 year old son last year, and it's indescribeable what that means, but I'm sure you can relate to that. It's early in yoru grief for you, and coming on the heals of losing your mother, you barely have had time to grieve on significant loss when laong came the unthinkable loss--your child. I lashed out toward my husband too. But in time I became very aware that my husband completes me. I can't imagine my life without him. While I distanced myself for a time emotionally, I had to work hard at reminding myself that it is not his fault either. And he is a gift to me, to my life, one that I cherish. Sometimes our children respond in certain ways as a result of how we are responding to our own pain and grief. They too are grieving a terrible loss. And though it's excruciatingly hard for us, we do set the pace in our household as a leader, as an example for them. It's a huge responsibility, but one we accepted with love when we bore our children. Being open with each other and talking through feelings is always helpful, being able to express openly the good, bad and ugly emotions we are feeling. One of the biggest challenges is to not let the circumstances of our lives control us and move us into darkness and despair, or vengeful actions. I prayed a lot through my time of ugliness, and I am thankful it was short lived to a few months. But I know those few months seemed like and eternity for my husband. I misunderstood his way of grieving as it was different than mine, more quiet. But the reality was he wasn't just grieving for my son. He was also grieving for ME. He hurt because I was hurting so badly. When I relaized that, truly, I was able to look at him differently and see just how much he loved me. Now I feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again. To me that was a miracle, how I got to that place from the depths of where I was in my pain. I hope and pray you too are able to rise out of the anger and resentment toward your husband and realize that he is there with you to walk with you, and to love you no matter what. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how terribly difficult and painful it is... HUGS, Claudia

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Dear Petesgrl, what a horrible time for your family! To suffer the losses of loved ones so close together is very tragic. All of you must be in a state of shock. Anger is very much a part of grief, so it is normal to feel resentment towards your husband. There are many forums on this web-site that will allow you to express all of your emotions and feelings without worry of upsetting anyone. All who post here are grieving like you and will understand. Posting here has helped me so much. I really don't have much to add, but I just wanted you to know I read your post and hope you will continue to come here or on other forums because there will always be someone who will respond. Talking is healing.

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I know that I may not have the same type of difficult background as many of you. However when I was only 15 my dad died and being only 22 and having to endure the death of my boyfriend its all very hard to take in. Having gone through it once before is making this time around so much harder.I used to say things happen for a reason theres a reason my dad died I tried to find good in it but I cant now. I feel like I cant say things happen for a reason because no one has had to go through this once let alone twice at my age. I feel like my grief would be so much easier if I hadn't already done this before.

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(i was on american singles and then another singles site)

i have had several people be rude to me there and on another singles site as well, they are so rude when they decide that they do or do not like you they just block you and then close the window.. very rude ..

also last night my sister broke into some accounts of mine and changed all the  passwords and thought it was real funny well it wasnt, i thought someone had hacked my account and i had to call the bank to put a stop on my card's etc

it was a bit funny at all i am near tears as i tell you all this - she is on drugs bad but thats no excuse she has a computer where she lives and she somehow did that way, i have since changed all my passwords etc and the security question too..

still though i am grieving and am having such a hard time right now i dont need that little joke to be played on me..

i just feel like crying i am having such a bad last few days and then this all..my mom died last June the 6th from CHF and lung failure in our apt. my mom and i lived together our whole lives and never lived with any one else. i took care of her with help from home care hospice. she died at home with just me there. i miss her so much i feel so alone all the time it seems. and when i try to meet some guys or girls on the singles site's it just seems all in vain. i try to meet girls there as friends and it doesnt work either. then i try to meet a cute guy or two and nothing at all happens. i am so sick of being sick and tired. i am so lonely. i go to church on sundays but that only helps me a little bit. then when i leave there i am all alone again. i am exhausted from the let down of it all.

also i am waiting for legal aid to call me bc of a property matter that is being made worse by my moms one greedy sister and by a greedy half sister. so overwhelmed right now..

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Hi there.  I read your post.  And you are right, you are too young to have to deal with this.  But you are not alone.  My niece who is only 15 and adorabley sweet lost her grandmother (my mom) when she was 8 and a few months later, she lost her dad (my brother).  A couple of years afterword, she lost her other grandmother and then her grandmothers' sister with whom she was very close.  She is now only 15 and has her mom, me and a cousin.  I am afraid for her.  I do not understand how to keep her safe from more trama when I am barely able to keep ME sane.  She is so sweet and innocent.  It's very hard to know that she may lose another, then another.  And I don't know the answers.  But I am writing to get this off my chest and to share with you that you are not alone.  I hope it helps you to know this...  Take care and I am so very sorry to hear of your losses. 

 

 

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Jilly, your niece is so young to have endured so much loss and trauma. Maybe you can find a good counselor who helps teens so they don't repress their grief and it comes back to bite them later in life.

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studentmom08

I know what you feel like. I come from a very dysfunctional, emotionally warped family. My Dad gets mad if I hug him too long!! When my Mom died this past March 27th, all my 2 oldest sisters (and 1 niece), wanted were her material things. Since I had in the past been visiting Mom at the nursing home on a regular basis, I had all of her music boxes. My Dad had given me permission to take them, so I could play them for her when I went to visit. (For the past 1 1/2 years, she had been suffering from Alzheimer's.). I thought maybe if I brought in something she recongnized, that it could snap her out of it. Now, all my 2 sisters (and niece) do, is to b*tch to my Dad of how "Marie has all the music boxes". When my Mom was in the nursing home all this time, my oldest 2 sisters hardly ever even visited her. My Dad did, everyday. I live an hour from the nursing home where she resided. I tried to make it there at least on a every weekend basis. However, I am in the midst of a divorce, am living off of financial aid, and also in a child support dispute with my ex. So, the last time I had seen my Mom was  this Christmas. I had been planning on seeing her as the weather warmed up, and then I usually took her outside in her chair for a walk.  My one sister lived right across the street. They did not even have the decency to speak at her funeral. They blame her (and my Dad), for their screwed-up childhood, and carry resentment with them to this day. I don't want anything to do with them. Me and my other sister are broke, and all the other 2 sisters can do, is to always bring up how they are planning to go to Hawaii (for about the 2nd or 3rd time in 3 years). It makes me wanta puke. If someone tells you that they can barely afford the money for gas anywhere, then don't bring up that cr*p!! My niece actually approached me after my Mom's funeral, and asked me for something of hers. My jaw dropped. She also had the nerve to try and invite me to her kid's birthday party or communion party (something like that).  This is from a person who never acknowledges my kids, or my family. I, of course, didn't go, because materialistic people make me wanta barf. I know that the only reason she was asking or inviting me to go, was to get something from me. My Mom and Dad raised my oldest sister's 2 oldest kids (one of them the niece). The whole time that my niece was married to her first husband (she is on #2), she ignored my Mom & Dad. Then, 5 years ago, when her & her husband were in the middle of a divorce and she was broke, then she showed up at my Dad's with her hands out. I told my Dad to tell her to go f**k off. Since he is a strict catholic, he did the opposite. She then turned around and proceeded to complain about the quality of the second hand car he had bought her!! I cannot deal with people such as this in my family. I really can feel where you are coming from. HAng in there. It'll get better. Believe me, I KNOW WHAT U FEEL LIKE. GOOD LUCK.:?

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student mom i so know how you feel all of my moms family is the exact same way except for one aunt.. all the rest are just morons.. i never knew any of dads family so i dont know about them at all how they are -- he was a only child.. i found a great guy on moco space and he is living with me -  i am so happy to not be alone any longer -- just wanted to let you all know that things are better- hope every one is doing ok as well -

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ladyhitchhiker

(a poem by me, 2-17-09)

You still go to read to her

Three times a day

don’t you know that it’s not her

It’s only her grave?

You decorate her maple tree

You even bring her cake.

Is this how I’m supposed to grieve?

I ask you now for her sake:

Please enjoy your children;

Don’t take them for granted.

Please enjoy your grandchildren.

Is my opinion slanted?

Is my grief less real

Because I wasn’t yet his wife?

Should I not feel

Since she was taken from my life?

I don’t ask that you erase

Her from your minds.

I ask for you to just taste

The joy you have left and be kind

To yourselves and those you hold dear

Keep this in mind:

For she wouldn’t want any less.

She would want us happy

For she is at her rest.

You decorate her gravesite

for every day, especially holidays

Our LeAnn was too kind

she wouldn't want it that way.

Please enjoy your children;

While they're still living

Please enjoy your grandchildren.

Love - not money - is what you should be giving.

Money will not bring her back.

This is the knowledge that you lack.

I don't want to appear non-understanding decorating for her birthday and such but they have taken it to the extreme. There is absolutely no room left over for anyone else to bring her flowers or anything else to kindly pay her homage. Year-round, within a LITERAL twenty foot radius around the grave site there is no room to put anything else there, and it has only progressed more profoundly in the last 4 years. They have planted a maple tree which they put ornaments on, they have lit up ornaments, they have toys, they have cake, they have candy, they have plaques, they have stuffed animals, backpacks, candles, and so much more that I can't even begin to explain the enormity of what is present at the gravesite. Maybe I should post pictures sometimes. It has come to feel almost like a circus. The poem was written not out of heartlessness, and not because I don't understand their pain. My poem was written just as a plea - that I have not shared with them, because it was just a kinda bloggy venty kind of purging inspiration - that perhaps God can help them to love the four grand children they have, and to love the two children they have. Besides that, I would think it would be rather cathartic for other people who are missing her to have room to maybe place some flowers there for her, or water some nice little flowers for her, instead of trying not to step in food or on whatever little trinkets and my little ponies, etc.,.

She was the only child we ever wanted and she was perfect, and we try to hold onto every memory that we can of hers, but we understand that she would want us to be happy. I recently found out that I can't have children and we don't have money to adopt so that one little step-kid was all I had. That is a grief in itself to know we will probably never have another child to share our life with. We have two cats we love like children but it's honestly not the same because there are different expectations we have for humans - like that they will live for a long time and evolve in ways cats don't. The grandparents have two children and four grandchildren living in the house with them so I'm trying to be understanding of their grief, but I see all this family they have - while mine drops off like flies - and I can't help but feel they're ungrateful and I truly wish they could appreciate what they have.

I understand the loss of a grandparent is different and I don't want them NOT to grieve, I just wish they would be able to maybe edit it a little bit. Maybe even go down from 20 feet to maybe 10 feet, and then maybe a few years from now, go down a little bit more, instead of starting out with 1 foot, and going almost immediately to twenty feet - and changing the stuff that's out there all the time. I feel bad for them. It's almost as if they're missing her more now then ever. Is that a lot to ask that I don't want anyone to hurt that bad anymore over it? To think the gravesite should be a place that's healing for more people than just those two people? Is it selfish to want to be able to have room to kneel in front of her grave, look at her picture which is engraved in the headstone, talk to her for a few minutes when I'm able, and have room to respectfully lay some flowers there for her? I wish I could help them but I can't do that either. They blame my husband and I for her death - which is completely not our fault. LeAnn died of bacterial meningitis, but they blame it on her allergies - which had nothing to do with it - and say that us having cats was to blame for her death - which she never had any kind of reaction to cats, the grandmother just didn't like cats. And as for blame, I could blame them for not bringing her into the doctor's office sooner. She CRAWLED off the bus, from school she felt so horrible, and they put her to bed and waited three hours to check on her. By then her feet were already turning black and so were her veins. If they had brought her in sooner, maybe she wouldn't have died. Maybe they could have saved her. But I am trying to move past my rage and my "maybes". What's done is done.

I hope I've illuminated the situation a little bit better for you. My grief is complex. My feelings are complex because the situation is complex.

As for loss, I have lost 8 family members in less than 3 years - that's not even counting the animals - and each grief is different, at different stages, and they change all the time. Me being this understanding, hell, I've come a long way. I could get into the whole egg donor mom thing but I won't. That's another story I'm still trying to work through.

This poem was inspired by a homily at church about forgiveness, and forgiving OTHERS for what they have done to you. So I guess I was proud of myself after reading what I was able to eke out because part of me would be much happier to just be mad at that whole side of the family forever, but part of me is too compassionate and just wants them not to hurt.

I don't know if you can understand any of this. It's all very complicated... And I hope you do not feel offended. Again, I am sorry for your loss. I still believe that no one should have to outlive their children, especially the grandchildren. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to tend the grave. It's part of healing. It's part of being able to commune and grieve with your loved one. I guess I'm just mad because I can't do that.

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[align=center]SAVE THE DATE!![/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] We are excited to meet you!! Come join us at the Beyond Indigo Reunion!![/align]  When: August 14th through the 16th,   2009. We suggest you arrive the night of the 13th.

Where: Minneapolis, MN

For Who?: All Beyond Indigo members and people healing from grief and dying journeys. This means YOU! If you know someone who is not a member invite them along!

 We will be having speakers, social networking, opportunities to remember our loved ones and just a plain good time.

 More details (schedule, pictures of the location etc) will follow in the next 7 to 14 days.

 We need at least 25 people to make this event possible. We hope to see as many of you who can make it!!!

 Have questions? Please post in the Beyond Indigo Reunion Forum at  http://beyondindigo.com/forums/view_forum.php?id=83

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

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Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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This forum is so big it's a bit overwhelming, but this seems like a good place to start.

My mom is an alcoholic and my dad has a violent temper that's thankfully calmed down in the last few years. My brother took the brunt of their physical abuse, and I had to sit by and watch as a kid. I still feel a lot of guilt about that, even though he and I don't talk anymore and I know there's nothing I could've done, really. Everyone in my family has expressed suicidal thoughts to me at some point, in some way -- my mom attempted or threatened suicide four or five times in front of the family when I was a kid. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since high school (who hasn't?) and I've had suicidal thoughts on and off for the past eight years. When my boyfriend was murdered, my family crumbled under the weight of my grief. I got into a screaming match that got physical with my parents when I returned from his funeral. My brother told me he'd had thoughts of murdering me and then chucked me in a psych ward when his roommate recommended it -- surprise, surprise it didn't help.

I don't speak to my brother or my mom, and I wouldn't speak to my father if I wasn't financially dependent on him. I try to be compassionate and grateful, but I hate them all so much. It boils my blood that horrible people like them are alive while the love of my life was killed at random. I went to complicated grief therapy, but the guy was useless, as every therapist has been.

I feel so trapped in my own mind. I feel like I'm in a free fall, but I'll never hit bottom. I was already a traumatized freak before, now it seems like I'm truly a social leper.

 

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Nadianadie,

You have a full plate to work through! HUGS. Glad you found us here. My question to  you is how much do you want to change to heal? I used to go to therapists and they did nothing because I didn't want to change. Until I was ready to heal then I found help that worked for me. If you want to just be angry and hurt for awhile that is a choice too. What do you want? Maybe others here on the forum have thoughts too or can relate to your childhood.

HUGS

Kelly

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On Nov 16, 2021, I had to take my little dog and have him euthanized.  About 6 hours later, my older sister died.  I feel like I've been in shock ever since.

I grew up in a home which was dysfunctional to say the least.  My father was an alcoholic and my mother was both a narcissist and full of rage, which she most often directed at me..  And these two people had 4 daughters.  I was the 2nd of the 4 daughters and had been very close to my father during my early years before he succumbed to alcoholism when I was 6.  When he began drinking, he became a different person and I had no one to turn to any more..  My mother tried to scream and nag him into quitting and put immense pressure on us children to show that we loved her by hating him.  He left when I was 9 and they divorced when I was 10.

Because of my family background, I grew up mistrustful of others and never wanted to be my real self with others. The only one I could completely trust was my little dog, who was with me wherever I was, any time I was at home.  I loved him so much, and it has been heartbreaking to try to accept that he is gone.   He had been abused and abandoned as a young dog, and I dedicated myself to giving him a loving, peaceful, happy home for the rest of his life.

My older sister was the only one of my family members who showed an interest in who I really was,.  She tried all her adult life to protect and encourage me.  The other 2 sisters have hurt me deeply.  My older sister and I grew closer and closer over the past few years, but my sister sheltered me from knowing how sick she was.  So her death was a shock to me, and I was treated like a traitor b/c my part of the world was in the worst of the covid epidemic, I haven't been able to get the vaccine YET, and I was afraid to go to her funeral bc of  my fear of getting COVID, which would be very dangerous for me at my age and with the medical conditions I have.  So I had the pain of losing my best sister, plus the rejection of the rest of my family..

I wake up every morning feeling depressed and seem to just be going through the motions to get through every day..  I try to help myself by reading things that are encouraging, but so far I just fall back into that black hole.  I am not suicidal, just drained of joy and having a hard time believing I will ever feel happy again.  

 

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Monit-

HUGS you have had a tough go of it. Have you looked in the nav bar at the top, clicked circles and clicked "Deep Pit". Many people in that group are experiencing your lack of joy as well on their grief journey. Keep "talking" about it here. It helps.

Kelly

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porcelainskinnedgoddess

I'm still heartbroken and full of anger over the murder of my friend by her mother when I was nine years old. I'm 36 now. 

Her mother shot her (three) kids, then shot herself. My friend is the only one who didn't die quickly. While she was dying, my cousin was born. My parents loaded me and my brother into the backseat of the car and drove us to see my new cousin in the hospital, where I sat alone for what felt like a day praying for my friend to live. My parents didn't even tell my other family members what had happened to my friend. I was all alone with my younger brother. Then we spent the night in a hotel, where I stayed up as late as I could waiting for news of my friend (this was 1994). Her family pulled the plug on her life support machine the next morning. 

My Catholic school wouldn't allow us to mourn my friend's mother, only the children. Nobody knew what to do or say to me. My dad drinks too much. I wasn't allowed to be angry or scared as a kid. The nightmares and intrusive thoughts started around this time. I didn't get professional help until 2014. I'm so angry that no one helped me.

I did an intake for an intensive outpatient program Monday that my therapist had recommended. The program said my symptoms are too acute for them to handle right now and referred me to programs I can't afford in other states. I feel very alone with this complicated grief and always have. What a relief to know so many others feel similarly (although obviously I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy).

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