Death of a Pet

[cocoasmom]

Well, here I am a night off of my night job. I got a job at night so that i don't sit here just crying. And when I get the night off I am happy to be able to be at home, but miss cocoa so much it sucks to be here ALONE. Last night was not so bad as my daughter was home too. But we had t-storms and I just missed holding Cocoa and letting her know that Mommy was here and she did not to be scared. And now tonight we had to build a fire and I sit in front of the fire place alone without her. It just SUCKS. Everyone says the tears go away after a month and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me but my dont stop. I just want to sit and hold Cocoa one more time. People ask me if it has yet to get easier and i say at least I can try to hold it together in front of people. I guess I dont want them to see me cry and think why is she still crying over a dog. They just dont know what Cocoa meant, my friend, my buddy. The one person next to my husband I always could trust with anything I needed to say. Well, thats all for tonight. I love you Cocoa and mommy misses you...

[Guest Guest]

Well I had a rabbit by the name of Honey Bunny and he was my world. We took walks together, we played together, we took family pictures together and I even told everyone that I had four children three girls and one rabbit. It may sound crazy and when I would hear people talking about their pets in the past as if it was a family member I would think they were crazy. Now I know!! The pain I feel is tearing my heart in two. I think about him constantly and I even have his picture as a screen saver in my cell phone. When will the pain ever end???

[cocoasmom]

Guest who lost her rabbit,

I understand how you feel. Before I got on line this AM I was getting my breakfast ready, asking myself the same question, and thinking how some people just dont get it. I always said I have three daughters,and when the heard the 3rd daughters name, well, you know that look on peoples face. I dont know when the pain stops and I am thinking for me IT WON'T. In about a week it will be two months without Cocoa and I still HATE IT. We are planning on moving and I am scared that she will come back and we won't be here. I just can't get over at how fast she got sick and with in seconds (that's what that week feels like) my life changed... I am glad to see that my daughters are doing good with this or letting us think that. I too hold it together when in front of people, it is when I am alone I fall apart. I hope time heals your lost, soon for you and your family. This website thanks to my favorite Aunt, who lost her son at age 33 told me to come on here to help me. The site has help her out too. Sorry again for your lost..

Cocoasmom (forever)

[Guest Guest]

I just found this forum tonight as I was trying to find a website that discusses being visited by a relative who is dead.

However, I am an animal lover and have rescued several Dachshunds over the years.

When I read the first few stories on here I felt I had to post some words that always bring me comfort when I am forced to send a pet onto the "Bridge" or Heavan. It never gets any easier but hopefully these words will help others who need to heal from the excruciating pain of having to make that decision.

"I have sent you on this journey to a land free from pain, not because I did not love you, but because I loved you too much to force you to stay."

In loving memory of Miss Molly, Mambo, Mango, Moses and Moxie the Doxie.

Miggy.

[Guest Guest]

I'm writing this at 3:00 in the morning. I just lost my sweet boxer puppie Maggie. Eight hours ago she was here- then my relative tragically ran her over after she ran under his tire. It was a complete accident, but I can't stop the tears. And my heart hurts so bad. I'm going to miss her so much. The tylenol PM wore off and I started crying again when I woke up and didn't hear her snoring in her bed. It's absolutely surreal. I had to come somewhere to put the pain in writing. I've never lost a dog this way and I keep picturing that moment that I saw her on the ground and realized she was run over and unable to get up. I have two kids and I don't know how I'm going to pull myself together this week. Thanks so much for listening.

[taffya]

I am suffering severe guilt feelings because I had my adorable 12-year old Shih Tzu put down last week. While searching through the internet for help, I found this website. I'm so sorry for the deaths of the pets I've read about. The suffering when having lost a beloved pet is unbelievable.

Mustafa was suffering cancer in the chest area (adenocarcinoma). He was diagnosed by the vet 4 weeks ago as terminal and the vet told me that day that if Mustafa was his doggie, he'd put him to sleep.

I have always been against euthanasia and would not want to be "put to sleep"; therefore, I would not want my pet euthanized. My husband felt the same way. So, we decided that Mus should die at home while with me, my husband and our two kitties.

Mus was a strong little doggie and was doing well. He had lost his appetite, but we forcefed him pureed dog food. Sometimes he accepted a bit of chicken and ate it himself. However, his little body became skeletal and it pained me to see this. Then two weeks ago, he lost his ability to walk. He tried so hard, but was too weak. He cried when he wanted to use his peepee pad and I'd take him there, then clean him off afterward.

Last Tuesday, my husband and I decided that we weren't capable of giving him the medical care he needed and we didn't want him to be hospitalized. Then we decided to have him euthanized. I took him to the Humane Society, kissed him goodbye and left him there. I don't know where I got such courage and I don't know why I did this. Mus was left alone with a nurse and was probably terrified. He still was mentally alert.

He trusted me and I left him there to die. My guilt is terrible. WHY did I do this? WHY didn't I let him die naturally. I can't accept the fact that I was the one who had my wonderful little dog KILLED.

[oceanwave]

It has been only nearly 6 weeks since my husband and i put down our beautiful Siberian Mixed Husky named Omega. She was just 3 yrs, 7 mos, and 4 days old. Omega suffered tremendously with Epileptic Seizures, it was the worst day in my life to put her to sleep. We are feeling so bad and so guilty for putting her to sleep, I wished we had turned around that day, but cannot go back. I feel for all those people whom have lost dear pets, because as I was told, it is like loosing a child., they become a part of our walls in our homes. And I believe that is very true. The pain is very real, missing them is very real. I believe that in time it will get better. I am anticipating in getting another dog someday soon, as there are so many homeless dogs that need love and a home of their own, God willing, we will. I know she is in Heaven with Jesus now, because God loves all of His creation, and all the animals on this Earth are His creation, he didn\'t leave anyone out, and He doesn\'t make mistakes. So I know she is up there on the streets of Gold playing and running with the other doggies and kittens and bunnies, and birds, but mostly, she is now running with The Lord Jesus Christ! Thank You Lord for lending Omega to us for the short time we had her. I know someday we will meet again. I pray for everyone here, and please know one thing, God really does love you, and He loves your pets and He is taking good care of them. God Bless all of you!

[taffya]

I'm so sorry about Omega's death and the death of all the pets I've read about here on Beyond Indigo.

Oceanwave, I understand completely your guilt feelings at having put her to sleep. I am suffering still because I had Mustafa put to sleep more than a week ago. Yes, he was dying and the cancer was overtaking his little body, but he died because of ME. It's my fault. He had more days to live and I had them taken from him. I also left the place while he was being held by a nurse and was watching me with such sadness. I'll never forget his little face.

I'm so against euthanasia. I always have been, but people convinced me it was the right thing to do. Why? Do we euthanize people? NO!

However, Oceanwave, we did what we felt was right at the time. I hope you find another doggie who you can love and who can love you. I hope your guilt feelings will slowly disappear.

[mariposa]

I'm so very sorry for everyone's loss. I have a 1 year old Chihuahua and It would devestate me to lose her. I actually lost my father Sep. 14th 2006 He had cancer for 4 years and he suffered so very much. I know I'm not posting in the right place but I love animals and I love my chihuahua so I just thought I'd come in here and read some posts. I hope you all find comfort in some way or another.

[cocoasmom]

I came up to the comp to check out the website again. I find comfort in writting about losing Cocoa. I was just down stairs talking to her (as she is on my mandle now). I just could not believe that what I was talking to Cocoa about people had written about. Talk about freaky. I still can't get over putting Cocoa to sleep. I had a week to make the choice. Everyone too told me I was doing the right thing. I could not just drop her off. I had to hold her in my arms while they did it. I could see her little face everyday as she looks at me with the question in her eyes, of why I was letting them do this to her. I too feel I had to right to take the days she had left away from her. My sister had to take her from my arms as I could not and would not let her go. I will never forget that day. It will be 2 months soon and for me it is not getting better. Everytime I turn around something else reminds me of her. Thunder storm, dropping a piece of food, eating chips or just coming home and knowing she is not at the door waiting for me. I look at where he bed was and it hurts not to see her laying there. I still can't get rid of her bowl of food I have even changed the water. ( I don't know why). I have the baby (one of her many toys) that she brought up to our bed a few days before she was put down still on my bed. I sleep with it every night by my head. I read what others have wrote and it tears me up to know others feel this way too. I dont even know what to say to make things better for you all. Cocoa was and always will be one of my girls. I just want to thank everyone for being on this site and knowning there are more people out there like me. I am so sorry for everyones loss.

[taffya]

I just got online again to try to find help and hope I can help others with the loss of their pets. I wish I could. The pain I'm feeling constantly since Mustafa died (was forced to die) is just unbearable.

Cocoasmom, at least you stayed with your baby while she was being injected. I'm sure it helped her so much that you were there. I WISH I'd been able to stay with Mus, but the Humane Society said no. Even more important, though, I wish I'd walked out of there and let my baby die at home when his body was ready to die.

I think people are very wrong to try and convince us to have our babies euthanized when they are terminally diagnosed. They would never say that about human babies, would they? Those people just don't understand our love for our animal babies.

Yes, I don't know if I'll ever be able to deal with this pain. I have two kitties here(very young- 1 and 3 years)and I adore them too. But they are different from the doggie. They're much more independent than Mus was (Mus was always by my side). In any case, the kitties are a big help and they miss Mus too.

[oceanwave]

I'm writing this at 3:00 in the morning. I just lost my sweet boxer puppie Maggie. Eight hours ago she was here- then my relative tragically ran her over after she ran under his tire. It was a complete accident, but I can't stop the tears. And my heart hurts so bad. I'm going to miss her so much. The tylenol PM wore off and I started crying again when I woke up and didn't hear her snoring in her bed. It's absolutely surreal. I had to come somewhere to put the pain in writing. I've never lost a dog this way and I keep picturing that moment that I saw her on the ground and realized she was run over and unable to get up. I have two kids and I don't know how I'm going to pull myself together this week. Thanks so much for listening.

[oceanwave]

Hi There Taffy, sorry to hear about your loss! I know how you must be feeling. It's good to have a place to share our grief and help one another. My pet Omega has only been gone 6 weeks. She was a beautiful Siberian Mixed Husky, and what a beautiful girl she was. We made the decision to put her down, and we are now regretting it. But God has given us peace about this. She was on loan to us a short time. And in that time God has shown me that all the nights I was feeling down and alone, that Omega was there to cheer me up, and she did that. Think of all the goods times you had together with your pup, and realize that your separation from the pets is only temporarily. Someday when you go to Heaven, you will be with all your pets, the Bible tells us so. In the Bible it says, "All creation praises the Lord", and that means His animals to! Cheer up, I feel your pain too, and it will get more comfortable for you as time goes on, I will be praying for you that God will put His arms around you and Embrace you with His Wonderful Love and arms! He loves you so much! God bless you richy.,,thx, patty

[Guest Guest]

I found this place today. My name's Rob, and I've suffered a loss. It's made worse by the fact that I wasn't even there to say goodbye.

My fiance had this beautiful black and white cat that she found a little over a year ago. She called him Starbuck, thinking he was a girl, based on Starbuck from the new Battlestar Gallactica TV show, but she kept the name even when we found out he was really a boy. We've had alot of scare swith him in the past, but he's been a very hyper and happy little thing. And in case someone asks, she's in Georgia. I'm in Maryland, so it's a long distant relationship. Sometimes it's hard but I wouldn't give her up for anything.

During last week, he'd been getting sick, and they weren't sure what was wrong, so they took him into the vet last week. They gave him some medicine, and it seemed to be working, but then he got worse. He wouldn't eat, or drink, or go to the bathroom. So, they took him in today.

I was getting my haircut at the time because my grandpa's birthday is tomorrow. Starbuck had an FIP, and he had to be put to sleep. I wasn't there when it happened, and I didn't get to say goodbye. And my fiance's a wreck right now, and so am I. I can't even be down there for her, when she needs me. And she's been going through too much at the moment, with a death in the family literally a few days ago. And it's not fair. It's not fair that even with everything she'd been going through, she had to lose Starbuck.

He was our baby, and now he's gone, and I'm crying while writing because I can't believe it. He was so young, just a little over a year old, had such a long life ahead of him. We want him back, but he's gone, and there's nothing we can do about it.

I had to get this off my chest, it's been eating at me all day since I found out and I'm so glad I found this place. My condolences to everyone who has had to suffer a loss like this. It's a pain that no one deserves to have. But I believe that somewhere, they've found peace. It's one of the few things keeping me sane right now.

[taffya]

Rob, I just read your very sad message about Starbuck. I feel so badly for you and your financee.You had such a very short time with him. The pain of losing your sweet pet is just so horrible. I know. I send you my deep condolences.

Oceanwave,thanks so much for your message. You've helped me try to continue on,day by day, without my little furry Mustafa.

I mentioned before that I also have two young kitties. At this moment, the younger, Ghezo, is here with me. He knows Mus is gone and he's trying his best to console me. It makes me smile to see him here. Afei, the 3 year old, is staying with me more too. They both knew that Mustafa was dying. They were bewildered - and then one day, I just took Mustafa away and came home without him.

I still feel tremendous guilt about the euthanasia and that I wasn't allowed to be with him at the end. But he's gone and I have to go on.

We all have to try and accept the loss of our sweeties. And this website is the BEST. Now I come here BEFORE reading my personal emails.

Hold on, Rob. You were lucky to have your wonderful Starbuck. Think about the good days with him.

[Guest Guest]

15 years ago i left home and the first thing did was to adopt the most beautiful little white mongrel puppy i have ever seen, my whole family thought i was mad but soon fell in love with SADIE. i had her for 15 years and she went through the mill, at 18 months her legs gave way and i paid to have metal pins put into her legs to help her walk, then she got stolen and after 6 months of searching i found her god bless her she was only 18 months old at this time, she lived with me when i was so poor i could not afford heating and i used to have to give her hot water bottles to kep her warm, she was my life. I have always loved animals but she was my baby. She has had more operations for her illnesses than i can count but always remained just like a puppy. Earlier this week she started to get real clingy, that was her only symptom she just would not leave me alone. Last night she started to breath a but heavier and she would not eat or go outside for a wee, this morning i took her to the vets and they told me her beautiful little body was failing. i held her as she took her last breath and the last words i said to her were " baby this is the last thing i can do to show you i love you" i feel as though such a big part of me has died. i am going to miss her malting all over my house and emptying my bin and just being so naughty i want to pu;; my hair out.

she was such a special litt;e girl; she found kittens under A BUSH 5 YEARS AGO AND WARNED ME BOUGHT THEM into my house and produced milk to fed them and make them into strong healthy pets. she was my companion and my friend i can not believe i will never see her again. I have no idea how i will even cope i have just taken her sweet soul for granted for so long no ifeel empty,how come animals can show so much more emotion and feeling than humans. she pretended to be deaf for ages only hearing what she wanted to hear, when last night she heard every change in my voice and every cry. each time she heard me hurting she would offer me her paw.

i feel so lucky to have loved her and had her for so long, but i just want to be with her,she used to sleep with me and hold my hand, she knew all of my secrets but she still loved me.

Sadie god bless you my girl rest in peace.

[taffya]

I was so sorry to read about the death of your little doggie, Sadie. You had her for a long time - which is such a good thing - but all that time together would make the loss to you so much more sad. Mustafa died 2 weeks ago today and I'm still in great pain and find myself starting to cry at very odd moments.

People said to me, "Oh well, Mustafa was 12 years old. It was his time." Well, that kind of talk doesn't help at all. To me, the 12 years passed by so quickly (as they do for humans). How I wish that pets had the life span we do.

Little by little, you'll feel better, but you'll never forget or stop caring. You wouldn't want to.

[cocoasmom]

hi everyone. Sorry for all the new people who have lost their pets. It is never easy, even when you have other pets at home. I know how you feel when you lose your pet (we had Cocoa for 11 years) and now my house too is EMPTY. I has been two months now and I am still crying over every little thing I miss her so much. I know how you feel when you say you slept with her. I too wish they lived as long as us. I am so glad to find out I am not the only person think this way and that there are people out there who do understand. I too can't stand when people say putting cocoa down was the best thing. It sure don't feel that way. I am sorry that Taffya you were not able to be with your baby during that time. I am glad I got that chance. But it is a site I will and can't get out of my head. I wish we all could hold our babies just one more time. Thanks to everyone for being on this site, it does help to know that there are people out there like me and I am glad for all your comments and postings.

[taffya]

Cocoasmom, I understand you completely. I know how you're suffering because I'm having trouble being in this apartment with only the two kitties. WHERE is Mustafa? It's hard to believe he's gone.

Despite the fact that we were with him every day as he got sicker and sicker and weaker and weaker (skeletal, couldn't walk anymore), somehow or other I refused to believe he wouldn't/couldn't get better.

Yesterday, I had my appointment with a psychiatrist who has been helping me for awhile now with the loss of human beings in my life. However, the loss of my doggie seemed to be the worst of all and I told him this.

Being a MD with his psychiatrist degree, he was able to clearly state what Mustafa was going through with his cancer, how animals don't show their pain like humans often do. And he explained what would have happened as Mustafa died at home, how it would have been just horrible for him (and us). This doctor helped me a lot by helping me try to accept my actions (taking Mus for euthanasia). A lot of people have tried to help me through this, but didn't succeed.

I continue to miss Mustafa and am still in great pain, but at least some of my guilty is gone.

Yes, this place is great. It helps to be able to talk to others who are going through this misery.

Taffy(a)

[Guest Guest]

Hello all, I am so very sorry for all of your losses as I too now know that the loss of a pet is just as painful as the loss of a human. Last night, my beloved Grendel died. He was only 2.5 years old. His death was violent and so shocking and so unexpected. He was one of my very best friends. As I am away from my friends and family at school, this loss is even worse to bear. Sometimes I would just look at him and get that some warm-loving feeling that you feel with another human. He was a beautiful creamy caramel color. I always said he looked like the color of coffee with too much milk in it. He had piercing blue eyes. When we cuddled he would drool from happiness. He had this uncanny way of understanding me. We were so close. I love my other cat Beowulf very much but he is rather independent and never seemed to tune in to me in the same deep way as Grendel. To match my despair, I have boundless depths of anger at the person whose carelessness caused this unbelievable loss. I live on the tenth floor of a building. I am a law student, so finances are tight. My ex-boyfriend asked me if he could move in for a few months, as he is also a student and had just had knee surgery. I really had deep misgivings about this, but for some reason I went against all better judgment and said OK. We are close friends and I was worried about money, so I thought that would be ok. Well, my ex-boyfriend has a bad habit of opening the sliding door onto the balcony to smoke and then walking away from it. I have scolded him literally hundreds of times about this because I have always been worried about something horrible happening to the cats. Well last night, Grendel was gone. The door had been left open. I looked down and I didn't see anything that looked like Grendel on the pavement, so I thought he had just snaked around the balcony wall to my neighbor's or something. Well, about 45 minutes passed and I still did not see Grendel. My ex at this point just went to sleep. I went down stairs and looked around. I didn't see any sign of him. Well there are two sort of levels to the ground floor, so I went down to the next level and there was Grendel. My poor baby. All he ever was to me was sweet love and kindness and understanding and he was dead. He was sort of hidden under the overhang of the balcony. I cannot bear the thought that he was in pain or had to drag himself there. I cannot bear the thought that I was not there with him. I cannot bear the thought that I had let my careless ex move in. I cannot bear the thought that I did it for money. I cannot bear the thought that I did not barricade the balcony. I have been crying all day. I cannot think of doing anything. The only thing I did today was take poor Grendel to a funeral home for cremation. I cannot believe he is not going to spend another 10+ years with me. Whenever my world was falling down around me, I was always comforted by the fact that Grendel was there and he wasn't going anywhere. I kicked my ex out. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him. It would have been just so easy to close the door. He always would put me down whenever I bugged him about it. All of a sudden I have lost two friends. But, I would much rather have Grendel around than someone who lacks care and concern for the precious beings around us. I love you always Grendel. We are not a family without you!

[taffya]

Hello Grendel's Mama, I just logged on here to help calm my sadness. It's been a month today since my adorable Shih Tzu, Mustafa, died of cancer.

First, though, I read about the horrible and shocking death of your Grendel. How very very sad and terrible!! I send you my deep condolences and courage to try to get through this time. I wish I had more words, but words can't really help much. I feel like nothing really can help much when you lose a pet. And you didn't even have much time with the pet you loved.

I'm so sorry and please know I'm thinking of you and Grendel.

[Guest Guest]

Hello all, I am so very sorry for all of your losses as I too now know that the loss of a pet is just as painful as the loss of a human. Last night, my beloved Grendel died. He was only 2.5 years old. His death was violent and so shocking and so unexpected. He was one of my very best friends. As I am away from my friends and family at school, this loss is even worse to bear. Sometimes I would just look at him and get that some warm-loving feeling that you feel with another human. He was a beautiful creamy caramel color. I always said he looked like the color of coffee with too much milk in it. He had piercing blue eyes. When we cuddled he would drool from happiness. He had this uncanny way of understanding me. We were so close. I love my other cat Beowulf very much but he is rather independent and never seemed to tune in to me in the same deep way as Grendel. To match my despair, I have boundless depths of anger at the person whose carelessness caused this unbelievable loss. I live on the tenth floor of a building. I am a law student, so finances are tight. My ex-boyfriend asked me if he could move in for a few months, as he is also a student and had just had knee surgery. I really had deep misgivings about this, but for some reason I went against all better judgment and said OK. We are close friends and I was worried about money, so I thought that would be ok. Well, my ex-boyfriend has a bad habit of opening the sliding door onto the balcony to smoke and then walking away from it. I have scolded him literally hundreds of times about this because I have always been worried about something horrible happening to the cats. Well last night, Grendel was gone. The door had been left open. I looked down and I didn't see anything that looked like Grendel on the pavement, so I thought he had just snaked around the balcony wall to my neighbor's or something. Well, about 45 minutes passed and I still did not see Grendel. My ex at this point just went to sleep. I went down stairs and looked around. I didn't see any sign of him. Well there are two sort of levels to the ground floor, so I went down to the next level and there was Grendel. My poor baby. All he ever was to me was sweet love and kindness and understanding and he was dead. He was sort of hidden under the overhang of the balcony. I cannot bear the thought that he was in pain or had to drag himself there. I cannot bear the thought that I was not there with him. I cannot bear the thought that I had let my careless ex move in. I cannot bear the thought that I did it for money. I cannot bear the thought that I did not barricade the balcony. I have been crying all day. I cannot think of doing anything. The only thing I did today was take poor Grendel to a funeral home for cremation. I cannot believe he is not going to spend another 10+ years with me. Whenever my world was falling down around me, I was always comforted by the fact that Grendel was there and he wasn't going anywhere. I kicked my ex out. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him. It would have been just so easy to close the door. He always would put me down whenever I bugged him about it. All of a sudden I have lost two friends. But, I would much rather have Grendel around than someone who lacks care and concern for the precious beings around us. I love you always Grendel. We are not a family without you!

[Guest Guest]

Hello all, I am so very sorry for all of your losses as I too now know that the loss of a pet is just as painful as the loss of a human. Last night, my beloved Grendel died. He was only 2.5 years old. His death was violent and so shocking and so unexpected. He was one of my very best friends. As I am away from my friends and family at school, this loss is even worse to bear. Sometimes I would just look at him and get that some warm-loving feeling that you feel with another human. He was a beautiful creamy caramel color. I always said he looked like the color of coffee with too much milk in it. He had piercing blue eyes. When we cuddled he would drool from happiness. He had this uncanny way of understanding me. We were so close. I love my other cat Beowulf very much but he is rather independent and never seemed to tune in to me in the same deep way as Grendel. To match my despair, I have boundless depths of anger at the person whose carelessness caused this unbelievable loss. I live on the tenth floor of a building. I am a law student, so finances are tight. My ex-boyfriend asked me if he could move in for a few months, as he is also a student and had just had knee surgery. I really had deep misgivings about this, but for some reason I went against all better judgment and said OK. We are close friends and I was worried about money, so I thought that would be ok. Well, my ex-boyfriend has a bad habit of opening the sliding door onto the balcony to smoke and then walking away from it. I have scolded him literally hundreds of times about this because I have always been worried about something horrible happening to the cats. Well last night, Grendel was gone. The door had been left open. I looked down and I didn't see anything that looked like Grendel on the pavement, so I thought he had just snaked around the balcony wall to my neighbor's or something. Well, about 45 minutes passed and I still did not see Grendel. My ex at this point just went to sleep. I went down stairs and looked around. I didn't see any sign of him. Well there are two sort of levels to the ground floor, so I went down to the next level and there was Grendel. My poor baby. All he ever was to me was sweet love and kindness and understanding and he was dead. He was sort of hidden under the overhang of the balcony. I cannot bear the thought that he was in pain or had to drag himself there. I cannot bear the thought that I was not there with him. I cannot bear the thought that I had let my careless ex move in. I cannot bear the thought that I did it for money. I cannot bear the thought that I did not barricade the balcony. I have been crying all day. I cannot think of doing anything. The only thing I did today was take poor Grendel to a funeral home for cremation. I cannot believe he is not going to spend another 10+ years with me. Whenever my world was falling down around me, I was always comforted by the fact that Grendel was there and he wasn't going anywhere. I kicked my ex out. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him. It would have been just so easy to close the door. He always would put me down whenever I bugged him about it. All of a sudden I have lost two friends. But, I would much rather have Grendel around than someone who lacks care and concern for the precious beings around us. I love you always Grendel. We are not a family without you!

[Guest Guest]

I am very sorry to hear about Grendel. I feel your pain. I lost my golden retriever, Simba, a few months back. He was also young, 3 yrs old. My dogs are my children. His sister, Sedona was deeply depressed missing him.

I lost Simba, also due to a careless mistake of a friend. I live in Arizona and it gets very hot in the summertime. My friend took the dogs out walking one evening for way too long. I went looking for them all after about 2 hours. I knew in my heart that it was too warm for them to be playing and walking for that period of time.

Long story short, I never found them and my friend comes storming in with my dog, Sedona and says, 'Something is wrong with Simba.' We got to Simba at a further away neighbors house and he was heaving and having a terrible time breathing. I knew he was having heat stroke.

By the time we got to the emergency clinic, his temperature was 109 and he was critical. Fortunately, I was allowed to go into the room with him. He knew I was there...He looked at me, raised his tail one last time and was gone...

I told my friend that I didn't blame him. Nor could I blame the people that tried to care for Simba while my friend was running home to get me and the car. Do I wish my friend had come home much sooner? Yes. Do I wish he would have continually given them water while they were walking and playing? Yes. Do I wish that he had had taken his cell phone with him (which he normally does) and called me immediately, saving us 30-40 mins. of getting Simba to the vet? Yes. Do I wish the people would have covered him with water with their outdoor hose while my friend was running to get me? Yes. There are soooo many different things that could have resulted in my Simba being here today.

The reality is we all make choices. I made the choice of allowing my friend, who doesn't know my dogs as I do, to walk them during a warm night. You, being a friend of your ex's to allow him a place to sleep, made a mistake by not pushing the issue of him closing your door. We both inituitely KNEW the deadly possiblities of our choices.

Please find it in your heart to forgive your ex. He did not do this viciously; as my friend did not either. Unfortunately, we have lost precious gems of pets...by our own choices. But I do believe when it is time, for both people and pets, they will be taken from us.

You and I must learn from the choices we made...at the loss of the dearest pets we had Don't harbor regret or hate...it takes too much energy.

Love your other kitty with all your might. She/He may very well need you right now...animals go through depression too. Mine did and is still dealing. We take Simba's cremans with us everywhere; the beach, PetSmart, etc...We also most recently got a new puppy, Bear. He is bringing us joy and showing us patience.

I wish you well...I am so sorry for your loss. As many people have shared with me, there are so very many animals out there that need good homes. Use the love you still have and provide it to another animal. Although they won't replace Grendel, you can place that love elsewhere.

The hardest thing for me is realizing that another animal will never have the same personality or character of Simba. Just as people, we have to see the strengths and weaknesses of all ....

I hope you can find peace and resolution soon.

Hugs to you,

Anissa in AZ.

[cocoasmom]

Taffa,

Thanks so much. I just got off the phone and sent this site to my sister. This has helped me so much and it is still hard. I understand what you are saying about losing humans and pets. I lost my dad 4 years ago and have been able to handle that better then losing my dog, I thought something was wrong with me. But I just sent this site to my sister who was with my dad when he passed on and hope that after 4 years, this might help. I will always thank Aunt Bonnie for sending me this site. But having you all has truley helped me out. Some people can deal with things and others can't. I always want people to think I am so tough and can handle anything, but this just shows how weak I really am. Or how human.

I am sorry for all the new entries too. For me I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it has not for me. But this web site, does help. OUT BIG TIME> Sometimes just writting it down I feel a big weight off my shoulders. So for all you people who have lost your babies I am very sorry. Cocoa was a part of our family for 11 years. So even if you just got a pet or had one even longer then me. It is not easy either way. Once they get into our hearts there are there forever. But Don't get me wrong, I wish every day when I say hi and good night to Cocoa that I wished I could have one more hug, one more kiss, one more of just holding her like a baby. She was a pug and you can hold her in your arms on one hip and she would wrap her arms around me and hold on. It was so cute. One time when I had to babies (human ones) at our house and my sisters were hold them, Cocoa kept jumping up on my leg and looking at me and then them. She wanted me to pick her up and hold her like that. She did not stop until I picked her. And then without missing a beat I was rocking her back and forth as if she was human. In my heart and mind she was. people just laughed at me. But I will never stop missing her.

Thanks everyone for always listening to me. And hope the help you have given me has been returned back by my emails. Take care and everyone have a great Thanksgiving day. (had to say that a week early incase I don't get back on).

Angela

[Guest Guest]

It is incredibly helpful to realize that I am not the only one out there grieving the loss of my pet. Louie, our Scottish Terrier, passed away last Thursday, November 16. He was almost 16 years old - his birthday is this Saturday, November 25. We were planning a birthday party for him. I'm heartsick at his passing. He was our family pet and so dearly loved. We knew the last year or so he was developing a lot of health issues. I heard him from time to time whimper - not a whimper of he wanted something or attention - but definitely one of discomfort. Of course, I had been routinely taking him to the vet, but at this point in his life, it just made sense to keep him comfortable rather than submit him to tests, procedures, drugs, etc. At one point, while on several drugs at the same time, he was literally bouncing off the wall. In any event, life with him in his golden years had its ups and downs. He had lost control of his bladder. He couldn't sleep later and routinely had us up 4:30 a.m. or earlier. I was typically accepting, but on any day when I was late for work, in a hurry or whatever, I'd scold him if I'd find an accident in the house. It is a regret now. Also, countless times, I can't tell you how many, we would let him outside in the backyard. It is fenced, but we have a pool. He never went near the pool. If you tried to get him to come into the pool with you, he'd resist. We had gone through this scenario a thousand, a million times - over and over - and it was always fine. But, last Thursday, on a very early rainy morning, my husband (who now holds the burden of being the last one to let Louie outside) Louie did get in the pool. I found him later (and I bear the burden of the image). He was gone. I tried CPR, but the odd thing is - I heard air in his lungs - there was no water. My husband and family firmly believe he had some sort of heart failure or other health crisis which caused him to become disoriented and he just got too near the pool. That gives me some comfort, but I can't get the image of seeing him in the pool out of my head. I feel so much guilt. It is overwhelming at times. I should have never left him out by a pool, unattended. I should have known better. But, again, we had done this countless times before without incident. I was too confident. Our hearts are heavy and I cry and cry. Was he scared? Does he hate me? We didn't mean for this to happen. It has only been a week. Sometimes I think I feel a little better and then other times I am overwhelmed with grief again. Unbelieveably to me, the only thing that brings me any sense of relief is to get a new puppy. I have more love to give. In Louie's honor, if you will. But, not to replace him (of course not!) but to "layer" the memories. And, I've already had a baby safety fence installed around the pool. I could never take that chance again. I just hope Louie is not offended at our getting a new puppy. I just don't know how else to feel better. Getting a new puppy just feels "right" somehow. All of the family feels this way, too. I guess what I really want to express to anyone reading this is this: don't take your loved ones for granted and strive hard to not have any regrets when they leave you. Thank you for letting me write this out - it has helped me a lot. Take care all.

[taffya]

Here I am, once again. Beyond Indigo is a wonderful site. Every time I sign on, I feel some peace.

It's now been a month and a half since sweet Mustafa, our Shih Tzu, was "put to sleep" at the Humane Society. I still cannot come to terms with my taking him there even though his vet and the Humane Society told me he was terminal..and even I could see that.

So, there's terminal illness, euthanasia or not?, accidental and shocking death (like Louie just had). There's no good way to accept that your pet is no longer there. It's truly a devastating thing to have to deal with. Their lives are so short.

Guest, I think you're doing a great thing by getting a puppy. A new puppy will help take your mind off Louie's tragic death. The new puppy will need your love so much.

I too am going to get another puppy in a while. There are a lot of unwanted puppies to love.

[nana61256]

Thank you, Taffya, for writing and understanding about Louie. It is still so hard. I struggle with the daily routines that are no longer there. My heart soars, however, at the new puppy coming into our lives. But, now I have concerns....my husband is expressing reservations. He questions: Do we want to have dog responsibilities again? And, then he said that we go through all these years of responsibilities and then they just die. I know his biggest issue is going through this grief again. I told him that the intensity of our grief over Louie should tell us something. That the joy he brought into our lives was obviously immense. So, are we to deprive ourselves of another dog's love and joy because we're afraid of the grief at the end of his life? My husband is really struggling with this decision. I'm torn now. I know I want another puppy and I think he really does, too. Once the puppy is home, I have absolutely no doubt he'll love and enjoy the puppy. My husband is a very caring and affectionate person. He won't NOT be able to love the puppy! I still agonize over this decision - are we doing the right thing? Take care, Lindy

[rodless]

Lindy, my heart goes out to you. I have lost dogs in the past but the one I have now is so special.... a Scottie named Niki who just turned 5. She was my husband's best friend and constant companion until his death in July. Please accept my sympathy for your loss. I think Louie would want you to give a puppy a home. He'll be waiting on the rainbow bridge.

For anyone who's lost a dog, there is a children's book called Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant that is very very comforting. Mary Jo

[taffya]

Lindy, I agree with you. I'm sure when your husband meets the new puppy, he'll fall in love all over again. Our pets have such short lives, even if they are healthy. So, maybe that's why there are so many animals that need good homes. You're be able to find a puppy different from Louie, but wonderful in his own way.

Rodless, I'm so sorry about the death of your husband. What a terrible loss. I'm sure that your Niki has been a big comfort to you during this time. I'll look for the book you recommended. I've been scouring the library for books that will help me.

Lindy, I'm having the same kind of trouble with my husband. We have two cats and he thinks that's enough for now. He told me he doesn't want another dog - but I found him more than once crying as he drank his coffee from a mug with Mustafa on it.

I decided to wait for a while until we're both a distance away from this pain. Then I'll suggest it again. I love my kitties, but I need a puppy so much.

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone. I’ve gotten a lot of comfort out of your stories and I’m desperate that you can help me with mine. My name is Annie, and the story is about my 1 1/2 year old kitty, Turkey.

Yesterday, a routine vet visit for something that I thought was no big deal (he was limping and I thought he had just landed on his leg in a funny way or something) turned into the news that he has terminal heart disease and will probably not live for more than a few months. The limping was probably the result of a blood clot in his leg, which could very likely happen again and kill him.

I am horrified. I am absolutely numb. Not only does my baby kitty have an incurable, unexpected disease, but I have no idea when he is going to go. It could be a gradual decline, or I could wake up one day or walk into the other room and find him already dead. Although the vet told me 3-6 months, she said that blood clots or heart failure can happen very suddenly and there’s no way to know. I am trying so hard to appreciate that he is still alive and acting normally—I know that a lot of you have gone through sudden, tragic deaths, and I have no idea how you can deal with that, either. However, right now I am so emotionally torn because I can’t figure out how to appreciate having him in my life without being plagued by constant fear and dread of what’s to come. Every time he does something cute or funny, I start crying because I know that I will only have a short time left to appreciate this. Every time he breathes a little bit funny, makes a strange sound, or seems to be acting strange, my heart starts slamming in my chest and I am positive that he is about to die. Whenever I walk in the door or in another room, I am terrified of what I might see.

How do I live through this? I have not done anything for the past two days, I feel too guilty and scared to leave him alone in my house, and I don’t know how to continue living my life without knowing what’s around the corner. I’m worried that I’m ruining my last days with him, but I don’t know how to sort out my emotions. Please, please help me.

[DianeS]

Give it a few days to settle in. I went through a similar ordeal with my much-love (and now much-missed) dog, Hannah. I thought she had arthritis in her knee joint, but it turned out to be a tumor. Once you get used to the idea that you are going to lose your pet, you can enjoy the time you have left. It's bittersweet, but it is also nice to have some time with them. My dog was half black lab, half golden retriever. A hug, furry, gentle friend of 13 years. She rarely had table food or scraps, but once I found out that I was soon going to lose her, I pampered her with all sorts of goodies. She loved to ride in the car, so big as she was, I hoisted her up into the car as often as I could those last couple of months and she rode pretty much everywhere with me. Some days I'd look at her and tear up, but mostly I just enjoyed her. Believe it or not, I even dug her grave while she'd wander around the back yard. Some people would think that's awful, but I knew I wanted to bring her home, didn't know when I would lose her and knew it was a job I wouldn't want to do when she died. She was the size of a small pony and with fall coming, I knew the ground could very well be frozen and I wouldn't be able to dig that big a hole in the cold weather. I shed a few tears as I dug it, but at the same time, took comfort knowing I'd be ready when she was gone. In the end I had to have her put down because the tumor grew quickly and she was in pain. The vet also told me the bone could fracture if the tumor got too big and I did not want to risk having her in awful pain and having to try to get her to the vet like that. I sobbed as I walked her to the car the last time, sobbed the whole way there and cried as I held her while he put her down. It was so hard, but I would have had it no other way. The last face she saw was mine as she lay in my arms as I stroked her head and talked her. I thanked her for the almost 14 years of friendship and told her she would no longer be in pain. when it was over I brought her home and buried her in the hole I'd dug a month before.

I know this is hard, but enjoy the time you have with your little friend. As long as he's not in pain, just pamper him and love him. If the time comes that he is in pain, consider putting him down, so that he doesn't have to suffer. You can't stop what's to come, so you just get through it the best you can. If you come home one day and he's gone, then that's how it was to be. If you come to the point where you have to make the hard decision to end his pain, then you take him and you hold him and you love him until the end. Unfortunately that's all part of having a pet that we love. It comes with the territory. Every time I lose a pet I vow I'll never go through it again, but most pet lovers end up finding another pet to love and move on. It has been nearly four years since I had to put my Hannah down and I still miss her dearly. She was my "once in a lifetime dog." However, I've now had Kelly, a 4 year old chocolate labe for 3 years and she is very special. I wasn't really ready for another dog, but she was in a terrible situation, so I took her. Now I wouldn't have missed having her for anything.

I've had a number of wonderfully faithful pets over the years and it never gets easier to lose one. We get through it though.

As difficult as it is to lose a pet, I always try to keep it in perspective. My mother and youngest brother died within 9 mos. of each other a few years back. As much as I love my pets, it is much easier to accept and move on after a pet dies than it is a person that you love.

DianeS

[nana61256]

MaryJo - thank you for your kind words regarding Louie. The days are getting easier, but there are still a lot of "moments" where I start to cry over losing him. Life will never be the same without him. Ever.

Taffya - thank you, again, for your words - everything you and everyone else have taken the time to write has helped me a lot during my time of grief.

Annie - I am so sorry to hear about your kitty, Turkey. There really is no easy way to get through it, but somehow you will muddle through. You'll find the strength in knowing you are such a wonderful family to him. I didn't get a chance with my Louie to say goodbye, to make sure I had no regrets, to make any wrongs a right. To look him in the eye and to tell him I was sorry for my human shortcomings. You'll have this opportunity. That is the hardest part of my grief....the regrets. I think your grief will be easier to bear without regrets. My grandson is 10 years old and is very wise for his age. He has grown up with Louie. He was sad at losing him. When I asked him (me, a grown woman asking a 10 year old!) how I was going to get through this grief? He responded: "Nana, death is a part of living. And, Louie lived a long life and he did because we loved him and took care of him and his standing by the front door every single day of his life waiting on you to come home from work should tell you that he loved you back." Now, that does bring me comfort. I obviously did something right for my little friend that he would live for 16 years and on the last evening before he died guess what? He was standing at the front door when I came home from work. I can close my eyes right now and see him standing there.

Take care all and thank you for all your wonderful stories, messages and kind words. Lindy

[nana61256]

Oh, I also want to tell everyone that we're getting a new Scottie puppy! He'll come home to us on Thursday, December 14! We've named him Alex. We know he'll never "replace" our Louie, but he'll certainly find another place in our broken hearts and I'm sure help to mend them. I think Louie will be honored. Gosh, he's got to be thinking "I must have really made an impression, they must have really loved me....that they would go right back out and get another one just like me!" And, you know what? He's absolutely right! Anyway, we can't wait until Alex is with us. We love him already! Take care, Lindy

[lilly511]

I have been on this website for a little over a week now......I never thought I'd be in this area.

Our family lost our dog, Jackson, on Saturday night. Jackson had been with us since my wife and I were dating in 2000. He was an awesome boy Jack Russell Terrier. He was a handful when he was younger, but as he grew older, he became known as a 'lap dog'....mainly Daddy's dog (mine). We have lived at a new house for about 2 months now, and every night before bed, we would let our two dogs (Daisy, another Jack Russell, is about 10 months old) out to go to the bathroom. They never had leashes. Unfortunately, that night, Jackson got the idea to do a little running.....and he got to the road.

It really hasn't hit me yet.......the reason being because we lost our 18 month old daughter Lilly on November 20th. I have another daughter, Layla (4 years old). I feel so bad for having to tell her she had lost yet ANOTHER thing close to her. In the past year she has lost 2 dogs, Grandma, Grandpa, and her baby sister.

I love our other little dog....Daisy. But, she is more my wife's dog. Jackson was 'my buddy'. He was a guy dog, and he was awesome. He made funny noices, made funny faces, licked many inanimate objects, burped out loud, and was a great cuddler. The night before he died, I just laid in bed with him and told him how awesome he was. Jackson provided comfort to me after losing Lilly.

Sorry about the grief overload here. Sorry about everyone's losses.

John

[rodless]

Lindy, I think it is so great that you're getting another scottie. Mine is a challenge - stubborn and headstrong - but a comic and comfort also. She has really helped with the loss of my husband. He was basically her main love and she also suffered when he died... moped around for days and would sniff his recliner constantly. She's doing much better thanks to a neighbor who keeps her while I work.

John, I'm so sorry about your little terrier. I loved your description of his being a guy dog. It's amazing what our pets can mean to us and do for us.

Mary Jo

[rodless]

John, I really need to say how deeply sorry I am about your daughter. I hope you are finding support and comfort with that on this site as I am with the loss of my husband. I check the pet part because I am so attached to my dog, but human losses are on a totally different level. To have both happen so close together must be very difficult. MJ

[rodless]

I hope I did not hinder the discussion on this part of the site because I know how the death of pets affects us. I lost a young dog years ago that was very special to me. The one I have now is even more so. Lindy, how's the puppy? I was looking at Niki's "baby" pics Saturday... puppies are so much fun even if they are a lot of work. Best to all of you. Mary Jo

[cocoasmom]

I just hope everyone who has lost a pet is having a merry Xmas. I am wishing so hard to have my Cocoa back. I just miss her so much. It has been a hard week knowning this is the 1st xmas with out her. How bad I miss her. Tomorrow will be 3 months since i had to put her down. I hate myself everyday for doing it. I just think, If i could of had one more day. It was a good xmas for my kids, but i sure did miss watching Cocoa open her present and then try to steal the girls. It was weird to take a family picture and not have her in it. She was such a huge part of our family. I just hope others are having an easier time then I am. Because losing her is just killing me each and everyday. I thought it was suppost to get easier, but it is not. I have a friend who lost her dog around easter and we chatted about having the 1st xmas without our babies. She said something to me that i thought I was the only one feeling, She said it was weird when her parents died she was able to handle that better then losing her dog. I thought I was the only one who thought I can handle losing my dad but losing my baby is just so much harder. And yes I do love my dad. I just found it weird. Well, I just want everyone to know, even though I have not been on this site, I still think of all you who have lost. I keep thinking if I dont get on here it will be easier. But the tears just dont stop. I just want to wish you all a merry xmas and a happy new year.

and cocoa your in my heart and I love and miss you, baby

Angela

[franklin630]

Well I hope you all DID have a merry Christmas and a great new year. I just put my dog down earlier today and it is HARD. I read that pets come back in dreams and i hope thats true. Since putting Blacky down i have cried and prayed for her. I didnt have the luxiery to be with her while they put her down because the place we took her to didnt allow it. I REALLY wish i was able to hold her while being euthanized now. I have felt better after i put her down than i have for the last week fearing for todays date with the vet. But i still feel the pain of losing my 14 year old freind. I feel she is at peace now because i beleive in an animal afterlife. I just wish she can hear me now. I wish the best for all your lost pets and may all dogs go to heaven.

[cocoasmom]

Franklin630,

I am so sorry for your loss. I was able to be with my Cocoa and I don't know for her it was better, but for me it is still so hard. It has been 3 months and 8 days and I still feel like it was today. I have not yet had the pleasure of seeing her in my dreams, but wait every morning to wake up and just be happy that I got to see her. I even pray let tonight be the night. I hope for you it happens soon. My husband on the other hand about a month after we put her down, got to see her on our bed. I was so jealous and even think I have loss sleep waiting to see her. I know she is happier now, or at least I hope so. Sometimes I think did I really do the right thing?? That question will live with me forever. I just hope for you, you can get through this easier then I have had. We had Cocoa for 11 years. May your dog be running through heaven having the time of his/her life.

Angela

[franklin630]

thank you for your kind words. Tears fall hoping Blacky is happy. I pray your pet is in Heaven also. Hopefully, all of our treasured animals are living in a better place. I know it. Kelly, if your husband has seen your beloved pet happilly laying on your bed, you should not feel jealouse but joyfull for your freind is in a better place now, go to sleep knowing your cocoa is playing around and enjoying every minute of it with our god. May the lord bless all of us and out loved ones. Untill we meet with out pets again, go with God little furry ones.

[koolkat]

I imagine that I am feeling the exact same that you have felt when you pets have passed away. Yesterday, Kool Kat passed away. I just feel sick inside. We have 6 other pets here in our home but the void is as big as the universe. The dogs don't seem to really notice the difference, but I am afraid that one of our cats (Lucky) is feeling the emptiness. How can I ever find the strength to do my daily activities? My supervisor has been gracious and has allowed me today to be home from work. I am in the bedroom where I saw Kool Kat for the last time. This feeling I have is so terrible and I don't know how to deal with it. Can someone give me help? I just need to make it through day by day and I don't know how. God Bless those of you who have gone through the same terrible tragedy. I don't know the exact date that I adopted Kool Kat, but her day of passing will never ever be forgotten. She gave me unconditional love for over 17 years.

[Guest Guest]

I truly think it's disgusting how my family (My mother, father, brother and two sisters) manages grief for a lost animal. They pretend the animal never existed. (S)he is never allowed to be spoken of, and you are not allowed to discuss grief so you never get over it. Your grief MUST be private or else it is just ignored. You simply should just get over it. Of course this is how they handle grief for everything, including the loss of my step-daughter to meningitis. How can I help my family so that I can help me?

[ladyhitchhiker]

I did not write this story, but I thought all of you stray-rescuers might enjoy this.

THE INTEGRITY OF "UGLY"

Everyone in the apartment complex that I that lived in knew who Ugly was.

Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long ago been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch.

Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!"

All of the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around his feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up, he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tired to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent that Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering, and

obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear.

I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat there and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.

[taffya]

Hello everyone - Even though my wonderful Shih Tzu died of cancer nearly three months ago, I'm still suffering terribly. I'm able to control my tears now (at least I don't start crying in public). But he meant so much to me and I miss him every second.

They say it will get better. Yes, it does get less shocking, but the pain will always be there.

I'm also still feeling guilt that I took him to be euthanized. Maybe I robbed him of some good days we could have had together. The vet said he would euthanize him if he were his dog and then all friends told me I should. But even though he couldn't walk and I had to feed him, he still was mentally alert and I feel like I took him to "have him killed". If I were mentally alert and terminally ill, I wouldn't want anyone to kill me no matter what pain I was suffering.

How do others feel about this? It seems to be the custom in this country to euthanize pets. Why can't we treat these wonderful family members as we would our blood relative? Someone, please explain?

[cocoasmom]

Franklin630, thanks for the kind thoughts. I know I should not be jealous and I am very glad he has seen Cocoa. I just can't stand it anymore and want her back.

Taffya I feel the same way. I had to put my dog down in August and I feel that I too have taken her time with us away. I can't stop blaming myself that she too could of had more days with us. I feel very selfish for that too. I did not want her to suffer anymore. People say it gets easier, but I don't even see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Every day sucks!! And with every day I wish more and more i could just hold one more time. And I know if I did I would never let her go. Cocoa was with us for 11 years and HUGE part of our family.

As for (sorry can't remember your name) I feel sorry for you that you cant greive for you pet and that your family has closed the door. I know if I look at a picture of Cocoa my eyes start to tear. I can't really have people say her name without wanting to cry my heart out. I now have learn to just go to my bedroom and close the door and let it out. I slept with cocoa baby that she left in my bed the night before she had to leave us. I have also put more pictures of her up (she loved to have her picture taken, and I so happy that I have so many of her) they are everywhere just like my kids.

I hope everyone can hang in there and I hope for a good day soon for you all.

[ladyhitchhiker]

Hello Taffya...

It may be this country's custom to not euthanize our "human" family members, but in other countries, it is. Do I think it would be any more difficult to make the decision for a human than an animal? I think - as long as your family member isn't a vegetable - that they can tell you regardless of their species whether it's fun living for them anymore. It is always hard to make the decision, and I imagine that you will never not feel guilt when you decide it's time for your to say goodbye.

I had to put my persian Kami Kazi to sleep three years ago in July, just shy of his 10th birthday because he had a virus that would cause ulcers in his mouth and the steroids had stopped working. Would it have been more humane to just let him starve to death? I couldn't stand for that to happen so I put him to sleep. I don't know if you were present when you put your shih tzu to sleep. I was, and he was purring when they gave him the first shot, and he was snoring at the end. He died peacefully. Would I have rather he starve to death while I was at work, so he died alone? No. I promised him - because from an early age I knew that he would probably die a lot earlier than a healthy cat - that I would be with him when he left rather than him be alone or die in a weird room with strangers.

But then again, my cat growing up (Figaro) died of kidney failure just shy of his 13th birthday, and he was able to die at home, because my parents decided since they believed he wasn't in pain to let him die at home. He died in my sister Natalie's arms.

And then there's the kitten I named Nona out of a litter of four kittens that were born with feline leukemia that I was bottle-raising, just hoping and praying that they would make it. I became especially attached to Nona, and I found her dying in her box when I came home from work, rushed her the two blocks to the vet's office and cried, asking if they could do anything for her, and they talked me out of trying to help her; they decided I should put her to sleep. I don't think vet's are supposed to do this, but I worked there as well so maybe they thought they could just tell me what I should do. They said, "Aren't you going to have her put to sleep?" as if it were stupid for me to make any other decision. Did I love her any less intensely than a cat I had for 10 years? No. I loved her just as much. We had just as much history. Was there anything I could've done for her? Most likely no, but I sure would've liked to have tried. She wasn't even done bottle-feeding yet.

I guess the way the girls at the vet's office responded is how a lot of people in this country feel. "Well you can't fix'em, so kill'em." And I imagine you are grappling with your grief, just as I still am. I can't imagine that that is the right mindset, that if you can't fix'em, kill'em, and if you believe that if you were in complete agony that you wouldn't want yourself to be killed, then maybe next time you have to make this kind of decision, you'll make the other decision. It seems the vet talked you into a procedure you weren't ready to have done to your puppydog and that wasn't right of him. Also, your friends should've maybe given their opinions, but said: "Whatever you decide will be right." And by right I mean right for you and your dog.

As for my situation, should I have tried to give Kazi another shot, even though he only weighed four pounds (half of that probably being his fur), and was quite anemic? Should I have gotten blood transfusions for him? His ulcers had spread and no longer were simply contained by his mouth. They had spread to his eyes. Should I have tried harder? The doubt consumes me, but the answers to the questions led me to my decision. The guilt is not any easier, though.

Also I find that in grieving pets, there is not a lot of sympathy in our country. You are simply expected to be able to "get another [insert animal here]" to replace the loss and when I had to put my cat Kazi to sleep even my husband - who didn't know the cat very well - said afterwards, "Well, you'll just have to get over it." That's the belief about grieving for animals, as if they're second-class but replacing the loss will never make it better. You may find someone else to love, but it will never erase your pain. I guess I should say this to myself more often. Also, the value of a pet is considered less because they do not live as long a life as most people do. They are expendable, and disposable and this is ridiculous because this leads to animal abuse.

I grieve with thee, Taffya.

[beth92402]

Well I just lost my dog last Sunday. She was 15 and 1/2. Her name was Hershey, and it will be really weird without her. I haven't lived with her for the last four, my parents moved out of state. I still loved her and really enjoyed seeing her when I'd visit. I just thought she'd never die. Then when I was there for Christmas, she had a stroke. She started getting losing function of her muscles, and strength. But she was still walking and able to go outside to go to the bathroom. I thought we were going to lose her when I was down there, which I really did not want to do. I just lost my Grandma in June of last year and I just wasn't ready to lose another one. Well I left there on Wednesday and she died on Sunday. It just sucks, she was just always supposed to be there. I just feel bad for my Dad, she was his best friend. I'll never forget her, she was the best dog...

[taffya]

Ladyhitchhiker,Thank you so much for you wonderful response to my question about euthanizing. It truly made me feel more at peace with myself. Your writing was so expressive and caring. I feel relief that there are people who judge euthanasia as I do. I was becoming so tired of people saying, "You did the best for your dog," and things like that. While I can't redo what I did, I will have other chances. We have two wonderful cats and I hope eventually to have another dog. Of course, there could be times when I know I would rush a pet to be euthanized if he were suffering uncontrollably. I know Mus might have gotten to that point, but the day I took him in, he was not. And no, the Humane Society wouldn't allow me to be there when he died. So, I also have the guilt of leaving him with strangers for his last few minutes.

Cocoamom, thanks also for talking with me again. I hope time will help your pain, little by little. Life is definitely difficult sometimes, isn't it?