Loss of a Friend

[losthope]

um.....well I am not sure why I feel so sad all of a sudden. This is about my foster dad who just recently passed on. I wasn't sure what to put this under. We were sorta like friends and sorta like family. All I know is that when I stayed with them I was not sure of how I felt about him. Sure he was an elder and past his passing time some say. If that is so then why does it hurt so bad? Why do I show the weakness of crying? Why do I always blame myself for these things. My good friend took his life last summer as well and I am not sure if I am completely over him yet. There is so much going on and I dunno how to deal. People that I am staying with say I am full of drama about this. If so then why can't I sleep at night why do I not care about anything? I'm so confused and lost. I dunno what to do about this. Great Goddess I wish I knew what to do about this. It seems I am never able to deal with anything in this area. It seems like everyone close to me is dying. I fear so much for my remaining loved ones.

[slowlyhealing]

um.....well I am not sure why I feel so sad all of a sudden. This is about my foster dad who just recently passed on. I wasn't sure what to put this under. We were sorta like friends and sorta like family. All I know is that when I stayed with them I was not sure of how I felt about him. Sure he was an elder and past his passing time some say. If that is so then why does it hurt so bad? Why do I show the weakness of crying? Why do I always blame myself for these things. My good friend took his life last summer as well and I am not sure if I am completely over him yet. There is so much going on and I dunno how to deal. People that I am staying with say I am full of drama about this. If so then why can't I sleep at night why do I not care about anything? I'm so confused and lost. I dunno what to do about this. Great Goddess I wish I knew what to do about this. It seems I am never able to deal with anything in this area. It seems like everyone close to me is dying. I fear so much for my remaining loved ones.

Hi Lost hope. I know what it feels like to loose a foster parent. My foster mom passed away two years ago. It hurts because I didn't really know when or how it happened. I just know that she's not here anymore. My adoptive parents kind of broke up three years ago. And now my mom that I have now is dying with ALS.

Crying is not a weakness, it shows what you are truly feeling. Its not good to hold it inside, I've learned the hard way. I have blamed myself too many times because of my mom's illness and the separation of my parents.

I too feel as though everyone close to me is dying. I mean my father made the choice to ruin my family, but my mom didn't make the choice to get this disease.

Stress from loosing a love one is like no other. I know that God is still with me even though... I feel so very much alone. My body has slowly become numb so that the pain and the memories don't hurt so bad. I am 19 but I still long for my mothers arms around me. I still long for her words saying that she loves me, but she can't do that anymore, and the one person that I could talk about my pain, my foster mom (momma barb) is gone.

I know it hurts, and you feel as though nothing is going right, but maybe this is a test. (trust me I hate test too) If you overcome the pain although it will take time Losthope, your story may touch others and let them move on with their own life.

Praying for you

Nicole

[madamcaptain]

About 3 years ago, a close friend of my parents was killed in a tragic accident. He was married with three adult children. My parents have been friends with this family for as long as I can remember, probably for about 30 years. My older brother, sister and I grew up with their three boys as they only lived a few doors down. These kids were roughly the same age as us too. We didn't really spend a lot of time with these kids but we were well aquainted. Anyway, Allan died so suddenly that it shocked everyone that knew him. He was in a freak accident (he was riding a motorbike when a car hit him) and he died instantly. The neighbour (who used to be an ambulance officer years before) was at the scene straight away and he tried his best to save him but it was too late. Allan's wife was there too so it was terrible for her. She stayed with him for a long time after he died, just holding him and trying to say goodbye. She wouldn't let the ambulance take him away. This was about 7.30am so the school bus had been close by, picking up kids to take to school. The kids already on the bus saw the whole thing and they got counselling when they got to school. One girl that lived next door (she was waiting for the school bus) claimed she didn't see anything, although she probably saw it too and didn't want to talk about it.

The funeral was about 7 days after the accident. It was horrendous - I never imagined how sad it would be. The church service went for nearly 2 hours and the worst part was going to the cemetary for the burial. I saw his wife and people were hugging her and offering support. I embraced her and just cried - I couldn't offer her any words of comfort but I think my hug comforted her. It was just so sad, I'm crying now as I type this. Death can come so suddenly and it wasn't until Allan's death that I realised just how easily life can be taken away.

[brenya]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes anyway...

Where to begin... I guess the beginning is probably the best place.

I met Jo on line about 10 years ago. When we first met, we just seemed to click. I can't explain how or why. Some things just don't lend themselves to explanations. We shared many things in common, whether people saw that commonality or not. She was a deeply caring person. Full of fun. Quick witted, with a wicked sense of humor.

In some ways, the hours and hours you spend talking with someone over the internet lets you get to know them better than in person where society has set standards for everything. It is just you, them, and your feelings.

Jo was a friend to everyone. It didn't matter what your problem was, she always had time to listen. It didn't matter if she had known you for 10 years or 10 mins - she was there for you. She asked nothing in return. She was the kind of friend you always wanted, but didn't think existed.

We talked non stop over the years. Our conversations laced themselves throughout our days. What did we talk about? Everything and anything. Oh and lots of deep things: Her cat, my dogs. Her son, her ditzy sister. The weather was a biggy. And our mutual dislike for stupid people and girly girls. Current events were right up there with the weather. As was work. Sometimes just sending a smile, or a driveby hug...

When my father died, I remember telling her that I had lost my safety net. And the draft at my back was scaring me to death. She replied that it wasn't a draft I felt at my back, but rather, her hand, waiting there ready to catch me when I started to stumble. And I stumbled a lot in those first few years. She was my "back door" my comfort zone. The place I went to when I needed someone that was removed from my sorrow and grief. Her being there for me gave me the strength, headspace and heart to be there for my mother and to be able to cope with what needed to be done.

Later, when I began to think about having surgery, she was the only one I told, outside of my mother and husband. And once again, she came through - with the same hand at my back. She spent hours doing research on line, finding out and reading every word she could about the surgery, the advantages, dangers, what to expect in recovery, diet afterward, etc. She made it her business to know exactly what I'd be facing. And what she, as my friend and a part of my support network needed to do for me in the coming months.

As my family has stated many times, and rightly so, all of the friends I have had over the years have been 'fair weather' friends. They were around when there was something to offer, or when they needed something, and once they got what they needed they faded away. That's probably the biggest difference here. Jo never asked for anything of me other than friendship. And worried constantly that she had nothing to offer in return but herself. But she gave of herself, willingly, and without reserve.

In, I think it was December of 98? I'm not sure anymore. The dates get fuzzy over time the time had come to put a face to the name. I called her and told her I wanted to come to visit. She was thrilled that we would finally get to meet in person. The bond that we'd formed over the past 4 years or so of chatting on line instantly solidified into an even more permanent one when we were finally able to associate a face to the name and the voice. Before I left that first weekend, she handed me a set of keys to her apartment, without a word. But the meaning was clear. Any time I needed it, there was always a place for me on her couch.

Not long after that, her computer died a painful death - on a Thursday afternoon. We spent the next 12 hours on the phone trying to troubleshoot the problem (I'm a computer tech by profession) to no avail. One of the major components was dead and nothing short of a miracle was going to resurect it. She had to be out of town on Friday and Saturday and was panicing about how she was going to be able to go back to work on Monday with no computer. I assured her that I'd get "a techie" there to fix it while she was gone. In typical Jo fashion, she threw up her hands in despair and was convinced that come Monday she'd be unemployed. Meantime, I was already on the phone to the airlines making arrangements to be on a flight to her city the next morning. When she walked back into the apartment Sunday morning, her computer was playing her MP3 collection and I was sound asleep on her couch. A testament to our relationship: She didn't even blink, said Oh Hiya Joan. And went to take a shower. Only a few minutes later did she come out, laughing till she had tears in her eyes, at how silly the whole scenario was. But that incident defined our friendship from that day forward.

I can only say that I am a richer person because of our relationship, one that not many people quite understood. Today we live in a strange world wherein shallow people like to measure relationships and friendships in terms of sexuality. If there is a pair of people observed, there is the automatic inference. Ours was a good, old fashioned friendship. Nothing more. Even if we did bicker like an old married couple. Jo would delight in making superficial busy bodies who cast a glance at us even more uncomfortable. The more they squirmed, the more she got into it. It was her way of one upmanship. She was the true sport as a result.

Fast forward to January 27, 2005. Jo hadn't been feeling well for about a week and a half. I had been to visit her for the first week in January, and not long after that she started to experience severe stomache pains and nausea. Nothing we hadn't seen before: she seemed to get bouts of this every so often. Not so often to be alarmed or see a trend, but enough to say "It's my usual plague" I had offered to come back - to help her out with the little things that take so much energy when you don't feel well. She thought about it and said not to worry - it would probably be a help but not enough to make my flying there, sick as dog myself (Just getting over a bad cold) I left it at if she needed me all she needed to do was say the word and I was there. She knew that.

So, the next afternoon when I read the badly typed IM: "come now, I need you. Hurts. I need you now" I didn't even take long enough to finish reading the message, let alone reply to it, before I was out the door to the airport. When I walked into her apartment several hours later, she had no idea it was going to be me, but again, that connection between us kicked in. She was in her room and had no idea who it was, but her first words when the door closed behind me were "Joan, you're here."

After 20 hours spent in the most god awful emergency room environment known to mankind Jo was admitted to the hospital with a suspicious mass in her abdomen and bowel. The diagnosis: Ovarian cancer, with peritoneal seeding. There was no prognosis yet, but the indicators were that the situation wasn't good. I stayed by her bedside for the next 4 days, using the sleeping bag I kept on her couch to sleep in the chair in her room. On the 5th day, she looked at me, and seeing that I was about to crack, said simply: You can't do that. I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. If you crack, so will I, and I can't do that. So, I flew home for 2 days then to rearrange my calandar, get some clothes and more importantly, get a handle on my fear.

I came back 36 hours later, mentally and emotionally prepared for the battle to come. Within a few days, they had put her on one of those morphine pumps for the pain. And she was scared to death of it. So she asked me to watch her while she tried to sleep. I took up my place at her bedside again and stayed there for the rest of her stay in the hospital.

Throughout her hospital stay Jo kept telling me how all this wasn't new to her. How she'd had dreams about this. WHen I asked her how it all played out she said she didn't know. We had had a long talk the night before she died, discussing options and where her illness was going to take her. Her words: "Ok, so I'm screwed. Now how do we fix it?" We left it that after she got some rest the 2 of us would figure it out in the morning. The last thing I know she heard coherantly was that whatever it took to "fix it" she wouldn't have to face it alone. I told her I loved her, she held my hand and fell asleep.

By 5AM the next morning her blood levels were dropping like a stone, she was totally incoherant and was having trouble breathing. The cancer had caused some massive infections in her lungs and kidneys and both had effectively shut down. She was rushed to the ICU and put on life support.

She slipped into a coma in the early part of the afternoon and continued to slip away throughout the afternoon. I spent that entire day holding her hand and talking to her quietly. Reassuring her that she wasn't alone.

When, at just before midnight, the doctors confirmed that there was no hope of a recovery without severe brain damage from the lack of oxygen to the brain, I kept my last promise to Jo. Having her medical proxy, I gave the doctors the approval to release her from her pain.

I was with Jo when she died, exactly as I had promised her I would be. I told her that we had "fixed it" and that she could finally rest now with no more pain. She had been in a deep coma for several hours, but still, she squeezed my hand then and passed away at 12:15 AM on February 10th. Seven years to the day that my father had died. She was 41 years old.

In my lifetime, I have experienced many losses. People that I have known and loved but of all of those losses, there have been 3 that have been turning points, life defining losses. When my father died I thought I would never recover from it. And in many ways, I never have. I am nothing like the person I was pre-1997. When my grandmother died, the scars went so deep that even after 21 years, they still hurt.

And now I've lost Jo. My "kindred spirit". People may not understand the relationship we had. ****, most days I don't undrerstand it myself. But it was very real. And very important to me.

To all those who look at me and wonder why I'm so devesated by this loss, all I can say is this: Allow me my grief please. Don't try to dismiss it, because you can't undrstand it, or didn't approve of the person/relationship I'm greiving for. This pain is very very real to me. In a lot of ways, grieving for Jo now, I'm fianlly grieving for all three: My fatehr, grandmother, and her. Please don't take that away from me.

Jo made me angry, happy, sad, and confused, sometimes all in the same conversation. Noone was better at pushing my buttons than she was. And I hers. If you asked for her opinion, be ready, you're getting it, like it or not. It's one of the things I loved about her the most. The one thing that was constant was you could talk to her and she would be there. Now, there is only silence. That silence is like a stone around my heart.

To all who knew and loved her, we all lost a treasured friend. I lost a sister and a piece of my soul

I love you Jo.

The silence is deafening.

[slowlyhealing]

Brenya,

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have lost many friends during my short life time, only a few died, the other moved away and we slowly lost touch. It hurts... In the last two years... I have come to grips with loosing a father... and now my mom is dying of ALS. My mom is my best friend. I wasn't always the best daughter... she and I can both tell you that. Just when we started to be friends... just when I started coming out of my teenage shell my newly found friend, mom, was loosing her muscle ability in her arms. My father left us... long story, and I wouldn't really want to go into it right now... but he left on his own choice, and when I needed my good friends around me... my mom and the rest of our family moved... again. I was seventeen. I never felt so alone when I moved down here. I needed comfort. I prayed to God that he would send me someone, other than my aunt and uncle... other than my family. I kept getting closer to my mom.

Lately its been hard... cause I'm juggling college... I still don't have that close human friend to talk too... but I have some buddies who go to the same college as I. Problem is they live about two hours away, and with my homework and responsibilities at home... and watching my mom, my friend, die... its kind of hard.

I can't say I know exactly your pain. I agree that people should be allowed to grieve. God knows we need time, but... He wants to be there for us too.

He's the friend I have now. Though there are times where I long for human company to wrap there arms around me and tell me they love me, and that I'm doing a good job. I know God is there. Even when my friends are gone. Even when my mom...

If you ever need someone to talk to brenya... I know you need to heal a little, but... I'll be here. Just in case.

I'm still here

Nikki

[BIJulie]

Beyond Indigo Is Looking for Message Board Monitors

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[missingsoulinvt]

this is the first time that i have bothered to write in here...I recently just buried a friend...i say recently, because it was this past tuesday and wednesday that we had the wake and funeral...We were not the greatest of friends, but we were good friends and we got along...She died w/ a blood clot on her heart and she was pregnant when she died...it was devastating to hear that she passed away, because she had just gotten married on february 14th this year and they got back from their honeymoon 3 days before she passed away...her husband and her were hanging up wedding pics the night before she passed away...her husband didnt even realize she had passed away until he went to check on her after his job interview that morning...the one good thing that I can say is that she is no longer suffering...she was in alot of pain before she passed away...

[RobinRenee]

Missingsoulinvt,

I am so sorry. That is sooo tragic for you and your friend's husband. Your friend and her baby went into heaven together. It's a tremendous shock when something like this happens to folks that are in the middle of living a happy life.

lovingly, robinrenee

http://www.spirit-sanctuary.org

[BIJulie]

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

[dance4kph]

I am so sorry for all of your losses. I know how you all feel. This past July I lost one of my good friends. We were on our high school dance team together and she was like my little sister. I think about her everyday. She taught me so much in our short friendship and I don't know how to ever thank her. I am trying my hardest to do what she would have wanted, keep dancing and be happy. I have found that I am dancing in her memory. Katie I love you and will never forget you! RIP.

[BIJulie]

Dance,

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I think it is very sweet that you are continuing to honor her memory. I am sure that she would be thrilled for your to honor her that way.

Take care,

Julie

[leandasbestfriend]

I have never wrote on a message board before so I hope I do it right. Today is not a good day for me or my best friends family. My best friend Leanda was shot and killed by her boyfriend in front of her 13 month old daughter May 22nd, 2004. This week was his trial and today they reached a verdict, involuntary man slauter, and child endangerment. He has already served a year which is considered his time for the man slauter and is going to serve 2-5 for chid endangerment. I can't seem to come to the conclusion of why a jury would decide on something like that.

[slowlyhealing]

leandasbestfriend,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no clue what you are going through. I have lost my father, and I have lost a couple of my friends before, but not in that way.

I do hope and pray that you continue to write. We will be here to listen and try to comfort your pain, no matter how deep it gets.

Love and prayers, a friend,

Nikki

[tinasdad]

Leandasbestfriend, my heart filled prayers for you. Your pain is so terrible. Is there enough help in caring for the baby? I hope the little one never remembers that day. I agree with you about the courts issues. I don't understand why they sentence the way they do. Someone does such a horible thing, and almost walks away. It makes me a bit angry. Anyhow, keep us poeted on how you are all doing, and feel free to write whenever.

[biadmin]

Your grief is your story. Talking and sharing your grief can be healing. Reading about other people's journey through the grief process can help you realize you are not alone. People want to read other people's stories. Do you want to share yours? Share yours at Beyond Story.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/stories/index.php

[hope123]

Hi. It's late and I'm tired so I can not even begin to tell my whole grief story tonight. I do need to put it out there that I am finally feeling the tremendous grief of losing my personal psychologist, Debbie. She died out of the blue of a "massive heart attack", is what her colleague told me. We were far from done with working on my issues - which, of course, included abandonment and grief. I think this was nearly 10 years ago. But I'd stuffed it down so far, that only now, with the help of a new therapist (after many discouraging months of searching for a good therapist-telling my story over and over to strangers until I decided that they were not able to really help me) am I beginning to try to remember and to face the pain. It feels like yesterday. I am devastated, feel abandoned, alone, betrayed, angry, tremendously morose... Has anyone else in here ever lost their therapist/friend. She really was a friend to me, when I had no others. She liked me when most other people (primarily myself) did not even like me, and I believe she was an angel for me. NOw she's gone and there'll never be another like her. It is overwhelming. Any advice is appreciated. Nite-nite.

[brenya]

In the past 8 or so months I think I've aged at least 15 years.

In August 2004 a very close family friend lost his 18 month battle with cancer. This man had been almost as close to me as my own parents for my entire life. His death was a blow to say the least.

In November 2004 I lost a cousin who had also been a life long close 'surrogate parent' figure in my life. He died of grief at the loss of his wife of 55 years 11 months previously.

Then in February 2005 I lost my closest friend on this earth to ovarian cancer. Jo's death left me devestated. I don't even know where to begin picking up the pieces of my soul after losing her.

Last week another close friend phoned me to tell me that her husband, who had been diagnosed with a melanoma form of skin cancer, had developed multiple lesions on his liver. They're inoperable, and because of his age and other factors there is only one treatment option open to him. If his doctors can't get him into the treatment program they give him less than a year.

The hole in my chest where my heart was ripped out when Jo died hasn't even begun to heal yet.

I can't do this. Not again. Not now. Not so soon. I just can't

[BIJulie]

Welcome newcomers. I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you will continue to share and let us help you heal. Stay strong and keep the faith. You will heal, but it will take time.

Take Care,

Julie

[yacine]

Hi Everybody

I am feeling so desperate right now that the only solution i found was to search for help on the internet. The grief is unbreable. I just lost one of my friend last friday back home. I am here in the states and i can't even share the pain with my friends , my family. He was my sister's boyfriend and died in a car accident last week. It has been more then 5 years i havn't seen him tho, maybe, it had been a while we hadnt talk, but he was my friend. He was only 20, such a young age. I still remember the last day i saw him like it was yesterday.

My mother called me sunday and told me she had a bad news, i could feel it in the air koz i've been talking about car accident and death the night before like crazy. When she told me he passed away, the whole world collapsed on me, like i couldnt breathe anymore, like my chest was the size of a seed. I didnt have anybody next to me, passed away and woke up minutes later feeling like my life was over.

My sister is doing very bad right now she is only 19, and she loved him to death. She was trying to kill herself, thank God People came on time to prevent from another trajedy. Right know i feel like something is stuck in my throat, and my heart is killin me, i dont even want to think about him koz i cried all the tears i had. This is so painfull, and am so far from everybody there, i only have the phone. Sometimes life is so unjust!!!! I dont have any friends here to talk to, am basically failin all my classes this semester, am not OK at all and people don't know it. They always see me smiling but i suffer every day and every night. I am only 21 and i feel like am 100, too much tears, sorrow and pain already

[BIJulie]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.I know it is hard to not be able to be there with your sister and your family to grieve. It really helps to write down how you feel. Maybe write your sister a long letter to share your feelings with her and to support her. Just keep talking about how you feel and it will get easier.

Take care,

Julie

[nyldyj]

This is so unbearable!!! I feel like I'm choking with the grief!! I hate waking up. I tried posting on the coping with loss board but maybe it's here that I should be...?

I'm not sure where to start. I'm not sure what category my loss fits...I have been in love twice in my life. I am married to the second love, my husband. My first love was a woman with whom I remained very close after we broke up ten years ago. Just after x-mas 2004, we found out she had lung cancer, she was dead by the end of Jan 2005. I was with her when she died. It was awful. Betsy suffocated, she was blue, her body swelled, she wss gasping. I held her for hours. I miss her so. The mornings are the worst because that is when we would call one another and say "good morning sunshine" . She was more than a friend, she was my best friend, she was my big sister, my first love, I haven't the right words for what she was to me except to say she was family and every day is a struggle for me. Meanwhile, my beloved husband needs my support as he has given it to me and now his Dad has lung cancer and is in chemo. His Dad has done much better than Betsy because they got it earlier but he is now on a downhill slope.

I am sad almost all the time. I often wake up crying. I have a therapist. I have friends. I still feel awful. It's like pushing through mollasses and sometimes I don't know how I can do it another moment. Of course what keeps me here is the love for others but it's so hard to imagine being alive not being so difficult - sometimes I think about how much more of this there is to face. The longer we live, the more people we lose.

I miss Betsy so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[biadmin]

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[grievingfriend]

On May 27, 2005, My friend Cliff Sampson died after a year long fight

with cancer. Cliff and I were good friends. We talked at church all

the time and we swam together on Friday nights for a while.

I miss Cliff very much and think of him often. However I know that

some day when my time comes, I'll see Cliff in heaven.

[stmay00]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some support on my friend dying in a car accident. I don't know what I need. I am just sad. M died about a year and a half ago. But I feel like he is not gone.. is he? I am confused about him. I want to talk to him again-just like the last conversation I had with him. He was my first kiss. How wonderful he was, and is. Looked so young in the casket- only 19. I am mad for it because it was his fault-he drank the alcohol. He did not have to drive you know.. why couldn't I have taken care of him. Was he is pain? I feel shaky and at loss now. Does he know that I am thinking about him?

Please reply.

[tinasdad]

Stmay00, I am so sorry for your loss. While he is not here physically, his spirit lives, so he is most likely aware of your thoughts of him. The feelings you mentioned are all part of grief, and while they are painful, the only way to heal is facing each directly. While you grieve, take time for yourself, to make yourself feel special at times, which helps make you feel better. Please feel free to write often. We're always here. Mark

[shakespearefriend]

Stmay00, I am so sorry for your loss. While he is not here physically, his spirit lives, so he is most likely aware of your thoughts of him. The feelings you mentioned are all part of grief, and while they are painful, the only way to heal is facing each directly. While you grieve, take time for yourself, to make yourself feel special at times, which helps make you feel better. Please feel free to write often. We're always here. Mark

[shakespearefriend]

I am having a tough time. My dear friend Trudy has struggled with breast cancer for the past 10 years. She just entered the hospital, probably for the last time. They told us that she had about 2 weeks. I don't understand why God would do this to her. She is in her 50's was just married for the first time about one month ago. Im also struggling to help my husband to understand how sad I am. He is very uncomfortable with this and doesn't offer much support. How do I support my friend in her last days, keep myself going and not damage my marriage?

[pallikar]

hi; everyone. i'm new to this, but i'm at a quandary as what to do. 3 wks ago, one of my friends died of a cocaine overdose. 37 yrs old. we knew she had a problem with alcohol, tried to get her to treatment, but we never thought she would touch coke. now, after the funeral, we are left wondering why. so we got together and helped out who we could, i.e. getting her daughter set up for high school, being there supporting the husband. i've never lost anybody close that wasn't older and in poor health before. it feels like it was all so unnesscessary, a waste. i have a question; will it ever cease to hurt? i want to progress, but i'm sliding back all the time.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Pallikar, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. You will most likely always feel her loss, but the pain does get less with time. You said what many do after a drug related death, that it was unnecessary. I lost two of my family to overdose, and the mother of my daughter. What a beautiful act of compassion you did, helping her daughter get ready for school. Prgress may be slow at times, easier at others. Be patient and kind to yourslef through the process. My best wishes to you for peace.

[pallikar]

thank you so much; alwaysmyjennifer, for those kind words. may you continue on your journey to find peace as well.

[annietina220]

Hi All,

My name is Annie and I am from the New England area. I am new here.

Over two years ago, I lost my best friend in the entire world who was also

the only family that I had left. She died on 2-20-03 at 11:11pm in The Station Nightclub Fire. Her name is Tina Marie Ayer and she was my entire world besides

my partner Rick. I feel so guilty because I didn't make it there due to the van that I had at the time wouldn\'t go over 45mph on the higheay. We had to turn back and go back home. We woke up at 4:30am hungry and made baked potatos.

I had FOX NEWS on because I keep my TV on 24/7 for the noise. I saw Nightclub Fire and then knew what club it was due to the handicap ramp.

I didn\'t know Tina was there till I remembered that she loved

the band Great White. I tried calling her cellphone figuring if she would be

mad at me for waking her up, at least I would know she was ok. Well, I got a connection but no ring at all. I tried this pratically all morning long. A lot

of people who know me saw Tina in the video footage but didn\'t know how to tell me. I feel so guilty because I wasn\'t there for her when she needed me the most and that kills me inside. I feel that I could have saved her if I were

there. I still don\'t know how to cope and I feel so lost without her.

Thanks,

Annie

Forever Tina Ayer\'s Best Friend 6-15-69-2-20-03

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Annietina220, Annie, I am so deeply sorry for your loss of your dear friend. Be gentle on your heart through the journey we all have come to know as our healing. While your precious heart is in the right place and you care so much for Tina, had you been there, we don't know the outcome. There are reasons for things in the cosmos, some we don't know yet, others we learn in a short time through our grief. We are here to care and listen. Please feel free to write as you wish, and we'll be here for you. My you have the peace and comfort you need.

[annietina220]

Thank you so much Alwaysmyjennifer for your kind words.

Allthough my head knows what you are saying is right, my heart tells

me another thing. I have also thought that if I didn't take her to

The Station Nightclub years prior then maybe she wouldn't have gone on

the night of 2-20-03. I saw the video footage and saw Tina's last moments

of her life before she went to find a way out of the club. I no longer watch it but it is burned in my brain now. Tina was always there for me in our 18+ years of friendship and it kills me that I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. That's all I can think of.

We would have been best friends for 19 years this past summer. I feel so lost and alone even though I may have Rick. It's not the same, I had Tina who was almost like a twin(she is an actual twin). I lost half a of me when she died.

-Annie

[magisee]

Hello. My name is Maggie. I lost a son in 2004.

I know that I am new here and will probably sound like a broken record replying to this message board and its man different posting areas.

But recently I read an emotionally charged, extremely comprehensive grief book that has helped me so much in dealing with my loss.

A friend of mine recommended an author friend she knew. Her name is Katlyn Stewart, and she gave me her web address- http://understandinggrief.katlynstewart.com I went to the site and clicked on the grief book she had listed there- Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief. It took me to a publishers site where I bought the E-Book.

Anyway, I am getting long winded.

This book by Katlyn Stewart has helped me to understand so much of what I was feeling as a mother. Both emotionally and physically.

The author leaves no stone unturned.

I am so thrilled with this book, I wanted to post here in regard to it (and I dont post to messageboards)

If you have a chance, and can...check out the website. Maybe buy the book and see for yourself.

I will close in saying...

Here is to our healing of a loss greater than any loss I will ever know.

Maggie

[ksm04082004]

hi my name is kayla and i am 16 years old. i lost an ex boyfriend and a great friend on October 17,2005 of a car accident. he was 17 years old and he is dearly loved and missed. i know how you guys feel. i also had a friend die in the year 2004 by a car accident also.

[annietina220]

hi my name is kayla and i am 16 years old. i lost an ex boyfriend and a great friend on October 17,2005 of a car accident. he was 17 years old and he is dearly loved and missed. i know how you guys feel. i also had a friend die in the year 2004 by a car accident also.

Kayla,

I am so sorry for your losses.

Please know that you are not alone.

We are all here for you!

Love,

Annie

[annietina220]

Hi,

Here I am and here comes another Christmas without my best friend in the entire

world. I am finding harder to cope this year being that I will be moving out

of this area right after Christmas. I guess I feel guilty about leaving her beind on top of the guilt of not being there for Tina when she needed me the most that night. Plus, hearing that the lead singer of the band (Great White) who helped kill my best friend and 99 others (Station Nightclub Fire 2-20-03) is going to be a father soon and will enjoy his little family while I and the others feel nothing but loss and pain and anger knowing

he and Mark Kendall will not see one day in jail but they will let their tour manager take the fall for following orders made by them. This man will spend the rest of his life in prison while they live it up....Real fair huh?

How can I not feel angry and depressed over this?

I MISS MY BEST FRIEND TINA AYER!

-Annie

[annietina220]

I wrote the words for this song for my Best Friend Tina Ayer who died in The Station Nightclub Fire. Not am I sharing this song for all of the 100 victims that died that night but I want to share this with anyone who has lost a loved one to let them know that they are not alone like I felt. I am doing this in loving memory of Tina\'s loving heart and giving spirit.

Love,

Annie

Heaven\'s Light (Tina\'s Song).

My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven\'s light...tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you,

trapped in, these chains of pain,

so many, we could blame...

Where you are now...

My best friend, you can, see all clear

you have no pain or fear,

but I am still right here,

living in a world, in a haze of pain and tears........

And your loving voice, I can no longer hear.........

My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven\'s light tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you,

trapped in these chains of pain,

We\'ll never be the same...

The night you left...

it left a overwhemling, gapping hole, in my heart,

and now that, we\'re apart,

I will, never ever know, a love, like, yours, again........

No matter, who I meet, or I call, my, best, friend..........

My best friend........oooh.......ooh......ooh

(Guitar Solo)

I have tears in my eyes, tears in my soul

tears in my heart, that I\'ll forever hold...

My Best Friend, till I cross myself,

and see you once again...

My Best Friend,

you are wrapped up in...Heaven\'s light tonight.

While we are here, still, missing you...

[airborne80]

I just wanted to say that I am happy to have found this site. My sister and best friend took her life and it has changed my life forever. I felt such a need to tell her story that I created a website in her memory It has taken on a life of its own and I receieve e mail from people all over the world who are hurting because of this subject. Now I have found another place to help heal. Thank you all and know that you are in my prayers.

Michael

PS

My sisters web site is at: http://airborne80.tripod.com/SandraJeanneWeiss/index.html

[annietina220]

I am so sorry for your loss Michael.

Just know your sister loves you and will be with you always no mattter where

you are. God Bless you for helping others in her memory.

Love,

Annie

Tina Marie Ayer's Best Friend- 6-15-69-2-20-03

http://tinablackieayer.atspace.com

I just wanted to say that I am happy to have found this site. My sister and best friend took her life and it has changed my life forever. I felt such a need to tell her story that I created a website in her memory It has taken on a life of its own and I receieve e mail from people all over the world who are hurting because of this subject. Now I have found another place to help heal. Thank you all and know that you are in my prayers.

Michael

PS

My sisters web site is at: http://airborne80.tripod.com/SandraJeanneWeiss/index.html

[xinfinityo]

Is it normal to cry a lot almost two years after the death of a friend? I feel like I'm wallowing in my own self pitty.

[Guest Guest]

Is it normal to cry a lot almost two years after the death of a friend? I feel like I'm wallowing in my own self pitty.

I am sorry for your loss!!! I do not know how "normal" it is, I guess I am here to find out the same thing! I lost my dad 3/15/99 (my 28th birthday) and my best friend 3 weeks later 4/04/99 and about the 3rd week in January I start greiving all over again every year. I am moody, angry, sad, depressed and my husband and kids do not understand why. I DONT understand WHY??

I dont think you are wollowing in self pitty I think you are a friend still in mourning! And I think we are both here to find out how to deal with that! Regardless of wheather its been 2 years or 7 years. It still hurts non the less!!

Kelly (Kaitee71)

[Guest Guest]

I just lost a good friend of mine on Thursday. His name was Jan, and I was friends with him for over a year. It hurts so bad!!! My head tells me that he's in a better place and he's not suffering anymore, but my heart is BREAKING!!! It hurts so badly! I can't listen to Monkees songs anymore because Jan and I used to listen to Monkees songs on the radio. Every time I hear one, I cry. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and it hurts so bad!!

[DeeAnn]

Dear Guest and Kelly,

I lost my husband, Eddie, on February 22, 1998, and the times like this surrounding the anniversary of his death are always difficult. Time does heal, but you have to *work* through your grief in order for that to happen. The passage of time does make it easier, but how you spend that time is very important. There's so many resources available now, and I hope you have found or are continuing to search for what works for you. For me, it was individual and group therapy, reading books about bereavement, journaling, and sharing here at these boards.

Please let us know how you're doing and what seems to be helping you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

DeeAnn

[annietina220]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

I know your pain. I lost my best friend Tina on 2-20-03 to

The Station Nightclub Fire and I cry each and everyday for her,

so I know.

Love,

Annie

Tina Ayer's Best Friend!

Tina Marie Ayer-6-15-69-2-20-03

http://tinablackieayer.atspace.com

I just lost a good friend of mine on Thursday. His name was Jan, and I was friends with him for over a year. It hurts so bad!!! My head tells me that he's in a better place and he's not suffering anymore, but my heart is BREAKING!!! It hurts so badly! I can't listen to Monkees songs anymore because Jan and I used to listen to Monkees songs on the radio. Every time I hear one, I cry. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and it hurts so bad!!

[annietina220]

Yes, it is normal and no, you are not wallowing in your own self pity and if

anyone is telling you that, they should be ashamed of themselves. I lost

my friend Tina almost three years ago on 2-20-03 and I still cry for her

and always will! You loved your friend! There is no time limit on grieving.

My prayers are with you!

Love,

Annie

Tina Marie Ayer's Best Friend

http://tinablackieayer.atspace.com

Is it normal to cry a lot almost two years after the death of a friend? I feel like I'm wallowing in my own self pitty.

[annietina220]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DeeAnn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband Eddie!

Love,

Annie

Tina Marie Ayer's Best Friend

Tina Marie Ayer-6-15-69-2-20-03

Dear Guest and Kelly,

I lost my husband, Eddie, on February 22, 1998, and the times like this surrounding the anniversary of his death are always difficult. Time does heal, but you have to *work* through your grief in order for that to happen. The passage of time does make it easier, but how you spend that time is very important. There's so many resources available now, and I hope you have found or are continuing to search for what works for you. For me, it was individual and group therapy, reading books about bereavement, journaling, and sharing here at these boards.

Please let us know how you're doing and what seems to be helping you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

DeeAnn

[Guest Guest]

Just today i found out a horrible thing happened to one of my little brothers friends. Dean was a friend of the family's actually. He was such a good kid till we moved from our home town and he didn't have my brothe to hang around anymore so he got himself a gf and hung around all kinds of druggies... well my little brother is in WA and we had move about an hour away. Well i found out today over the radio that Dean had died. not knowing if it was the same dean we all knew i called my friends mom and she told me it was the dean we all knew and that he and 2 girls got drunk and dean was driving his truck.. and hit a tree head on. dean and one of the girls was ejected from the vehicle and somehow the truck had rolled ontop of them killing them instantly and the other girl her whole right side is smashed. finding out about this at the last minute i wasn't able to go to the funeral and i feel horrible we was very close to his whole family. to add on to this horrible day.. i also found out that Dean's dad isn't doing well at all he's in the hospital on a resperator and the doctors told Dean's mom she could not tell him about the news of Dean.

It's hard coping with this Since dean was such a good child and now he don't get to find out what it's like to have kids or to find "the one" he died at the young age of 18 his death is still a shock to our family. We all will never forget Dean. All the help he's given us.. and the injoyable moments we shared with him... my prayers go out to his mother and sister for them having to deal with this death.. and with their dad being in the hospital.. we all love you guys just stick in there and we'll make it through this horrible experience.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Guest,

I'm so sorry to hear about the tragic death of your family friend, Dean. It reminds me of a similar situation that happened to one of our family friends many years ago when involved in a drunk driving accident. The "if only's" about drove me crazy, but with time, acceptance finally came. My friend, Connie, died almost 30 years ago, and I'll always remember growing up with her, and the sadness of how her young life ended will always remain. Please let us know how you and Dean's family are doing in the days ahead. Take care...

DeeAnn

[Guest Guest]

I lost someone very dear to me recently. He was my "first love", my teenage crush. He never knew that and years later after i had gotten over the crush part, we became friendly. I was very glad for that. He stumbled upon rough times and I barely saw him around enough to ever know how I could have helped him. It was frustrating, because he was a kind good person but things just seem to get worse for him. He lost his struggle recently and suddenly. It was a tragedy to those who knew him. I wasn't able to attend his funeral and it breaks my heart because I feel so guilty for not being able to help him, feeling frustrated, angry and helpless for what he went through. I don't know his family well, and I feel bad because though we were friendly, he never knew just how much he meant to me. Many people didn't know how much he meant to me and how hard this has been for me. I feel as though I'm going through this all on my own. I visited his grave once and it was sad, because it made it real. I have so many memories of him that are too hard to think of right now. I am full of "what if's" and "Why's". I feel so helpless right now, I'm climbing up the walls with grief and sadness and I don't know what to do with it. A grief book I am reading and advice I have gotten has said just to feel your grief, go through it, and eventually you will heal. So that's what I'm doing. It just feels like it will never be right again right now. I didn't see him around alot, but I knew he was out there. I miss him very much and I'll never forget him. I'm just doing the beast I can right now. I'm just in a very lonely place while doing it. I'm hanging in there... Thanks--LJ