Losing faith in God after sons death...

[brooklyn30]

My son was born on May 25, 2008 and spent his short life in NICU unable to breath on his own, filled with fluid and on an aggressive respirator until his heart could not work anymore and he died May 26, 2008.

I've always had faith in God, even during other moments of tragedy in my own life, my fathers death at a young age, depression in my teen years, a terrible spot in our marriage, I still believed in God.  I can understand calamity and stuff happening to me I probably deserve it, but a one day old baby doesn't deserve to suffer like that ever.  I wasn't the best Catholic but I did believe in God and never doubted.  Now after witnessing a one day old baby suffer and live just a terrible 24 hours only to die without ever knowing his parents or his brother and sister I am starting to seriously wonder what purpose that could possibly have?

My house feels completely empty even with my wife and two other kids in it.  People try to make me feel better by stating it's better he go now then you get attached to him and he dies a year later.  What kind of stupid logic is that?  I mean seriously by that logic it's better that everyones kids die after one horrid day in a hospital than risk losing them after you get "attached" to him like he's a nice pair of jeans...

Things happened so fast and I was worried for my wife and I didn't spend enough time with him and I feel terribly guilty about it.  I can't really talk about it because I'm the husband and father so I have to be strong for my wife.  I had to make all the arrangements, meet the funeral director, get everything together to put into Jack's casket, visit his grave and make sure it's undisturbed and has flowers on it, call the doctors to follow up, cook, clean, look after our other two kids etc...  It's like I'm not allowed to grieve because that wouldn't be "being strong" or "being a man".  I got the same stuff when my father died when I was 12 "you have to be strong for your Mom" what is up with that?  So that's what I do, I remain stoic but inside my house and life feels pretty empty and just sad.  I don't think my wife and I have said more than two words to each other since this happened...

In conclusion after this I'm pretty sure God doesn't exist, there's no reason why a little baby would have to suffer and die like that, no reason at all.

Thanks for listening to my rant, I had to get that out...

[sheela]

i am so sorry

[4everjoeysmom]

Brooklyn30, I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's terribly sad and painful, and I hope and pray that you and your wife will persevere together through this awful trial and loss.

Yes, that comment about not being too attached...that was just as stupid as comments come.  I'm so sorry someone even opened their mouth to let that one out.  It obviously was not thought out.

I think so many people look for reasons associated with their faith levels when something like this happens.  I did that too, but moreso in asking God wasn't what I was doing for him enough?  Why did he take my son?  I lost my son Joey on July 31, 2006.  He would have turned 24 seven days later.  He was just getting ready to go back to college from summer break and had been with his dad over the summer.  A few months earlier I had gone off to S America on a long term mission project.  I was away and working specifically for God.  I felt betrayed and angry, and I really had a tough time dealing with the why's and how's of something this tragic.  Without a doubt I say it was a true crisis of faith for me.  I could have decided to pack up my things for good and no longer follow what I know is God's will for my life, or I could return to my mission work and allow God to work out in me the answers He wanted to give me along the journey of brokenness and healing.  I still don't have ansers to many questions.  But in being faithful to knowing He is God and He will use this circumstance for good in some way unknown to me now, I know some day it will make sense--maybe not in this life, but some day.  One of the Truths that did pull me through was knowing that however my son suffered and died, the passionate act of Christ and His Resurrection ensures me that my son is with the Lord, in His presence, fully known, and fully alive forever, for eternity.  Without my faith I could hold no hope in ever seeing my son again.  I could not expect that Joey would be present with God and alive, just elsewhere where I cannot see or touch him.  But I do know without a doubt, just as I know Christ lived and died for this purpose--to save His elect--that I WILL SEE MY SON AGAIN.  That does not negate the fact that he died a horrible and tragic death.  That does negate the fact that I was where I was doing what I was doing when he died.  And it does not reduce the pain of losing my son one little bit.  But this is truly what faith is...believeing in what is unseen.  And I do believe God is doing something good out of this tragedy.  I don't believe God caused the suffering.  He certainly could have stopped my son from dying.  But for whatever reason I know and believe it was Joey;s time to go and be with God.  He is not lost forever.  And though my life seems like an eternity here in pain without him, it is but a short time compared to the unmeasured eternity I will spend in fellowship with him once my time in this life has ended.

Something that helped me a great deal to get through my crisis of faith was to do an extensive study on pain and suffering through a godly perspective.  I have videos, Scriptures, sermons and so forth.  I began the trek in this study because I wanted to understand more about the calamities of this world and why people have to suffer.  It's very random, and most often it doesn't seem to make sense.  But it truly will never make sense looking from a worldy, personally selfish perspective.  I'm not making offense here by saying this.  Truly we all are selfish when it comes to wanting answers about why we have to go through something like this.  But when we can look to a more "eternal" perspective with godly insight, tragedies seem to take on a different shape and meaning.  The end result in this life is the same.  We are without our precious child.  But the eternal result is what God truly cares about for all of us.

If you consider any of this and would like some help finding resources, I will be happy to do that for you.  Just let me know.

I know it is painful.  Believe me!  But please try to believe that your precious baby is in the hands of God now and forever, and you will see Jack again.  Hold onto that hope and know that it is because of God, and because of what Christ did for us that we can even have such a hope.  Without that hope this life means only what we make of it and when it is done it is done.  I couldn't bear to think this is all there is--especially for the sake of my son who is no longer here...  As angry as I was at God, He understands my pain.  He may be the only One who truly does.... (of course besides other parents who have lost...)

My sympathies and prayers are with you and your family through this very difficult and painful time of loss.  Prayerfully, Claudia (4everJoey'sMom)

[wyomingsal]

Brooklyn30,

My heart breaks for you and your wife as you go through this pain.  I agree with all that Claudia said in regards to faith and believing somehow that even though I don't understand why my beautiful 10 y/o son had to die so young that God does understand and it will be for good somehow and in some way.  I hurt and cry and scream and despair without my boy but I do believe that my son is happy and perfect with out Lord in Heaven.  Your precious little Jack...so perfect and beautiful is with our Lord without any suffering.  Just joy and happiness.  I know it doesn't take away the pain here.  I know it doesn't make sense from our earthly perspective.  So many swirling thoughts and emotions filled my mind in those early days.  Claudia looked up pain and suffereing verses.  I spent hours looking up verses on Heaven.  I wanted to know what my son was experiencing.  I wanted to know what kind of place is this Heaven where my boy now exists.   I prayed daily to have an assurance of my boy's happiness and wellbeing.  The pain is still here with me although it is usually softer.  I am coming up to the one year date on July 20. 

You mentioned that you have had to be the strong one holding everybody up.  I would encourage you to share your pain with you wife.  I know she is grieving and has hormonal fluctuations, but many women have expressed that they feel there husband doesn't care.  He goes on as if nothing has happened.  They don't want you to be strong all the time.  They want to know you hurt just as much for your precious son as they do.  Often while you work hard to go on and stay "strong"  you are creating a rift that you dont need to.  Tears are so cleansing and healing.  Somewhere in the Bible is says god collects all our tears.  Let yourself cry and hurt.  share in the grieving with your wife.  Do you have support from your church?  Ask them for help.  It is so hard sometimes to ask for the help but people think if you act ok then you are ok.  Our church brought meals for an entire month.  It helped so much.  It gave us time to just sit and cry and be and mourn. 

I ask God's peace upon you even peace that is beyond understanding during such a horrible shocking and unbelievable loss.

~Sal

[caitsmom]

Dear Jack's daddy,

I'm so sorry for you loss. It's perfectly normal to question the purpose of everything after your loss. Know that whatever your faith was before Jack died, it, like everything else in your life, will go through a transformation. And you get to decide how that will occur. I don't know why people say such hurtful things. I guess they think (though incorrectly) that it will be comforting.

Also, a Catholic by birth, I have been very hurt by some who need me to believe as they do, who feel threatened when I question, and who respond with disgust when I share any anger or other feeling they deem inappropriate about God.

A wise person told me once that we should never tell a bereaved person how to feel or think about their child's death; their feelings and faith belong to them. Listening is what we can do, hold their hand, honor their grief and acknowledge their pain. I hope you will share what you wish on this forum, we will listen and acknowledge your pain. There are other safe places on-line as well. There is a protected forum on the MISSfoundation.org site specifically for dads and their unique needs. You may also find that helpful.

Finally, my husband also was unable to spend lots of time with our baby girl, and he doesn't talk about it much. You post gave me some insight to what he may be feeling and I'm grateful to you for sharing with us.

Peace,

Caitsmom

[survivor22]

I am so sorry .........I have lost two sons, Paul was 2 yrs yesterday and Scotty was Oct 10 last year, and I did their funeral arrangements by myself and I was also so very angry at God, please know that you do not have to be the strong one all the time, the pain is so severe no one can remain strong through the loss of a child, this is heart wrenching pain that brings grown men and women to their knees. I remember screaming in the detective's face "You tell me where God is!!!! I prayed for my sons everyday and I was angry at God for not saving them. Losing one son is unbearable, and two sons is unthinkable. I still have periods of anger as I travel through my grief but this poem has helped me, although it was a while before I even wanted to read anything inspiring but maybe one day it will help you on your journey too. Carolyn

I don't know why, I'll never know why, I don't have to know why, I don't like it, I don't have to like it, What I do have to do is make a choice about my living, What I have to do is accept it and go on living, The choice is mine, I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before, or I can be destroyed by it and, in turn, destroy others. I thought I was immortal, That my family and my children were also, That tragedy happened only to others, But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable, So I am choosing to go on living, Making the most of the time I have, Valuing my family and friends in a way never posiible before. (compassionate friends flyer)

[angelgirl63]

 ]  

I'm so sorry you lost your new born baby to eternity...

 

[neveragain]

Brooklyn30,   I also feel that I have to be strong for my family. Its been 6 months since my son killed himself and I have noticed a pattern, or maybe an agreement begining to form with my wife. I wait for her to breakdown first and then after she is able to get control again, and is ok, I then take my turn to breakdown. Ladies first. It seems to be working. Why all this is happening to us doesnt matter anymore, we are PTSD. If you would like to discuss grieving without religion, I found the forum here, I dont believe there is a God, to be a relativly safe place to vent some rage and find some reasoning in an insane world. Im sorry for your loss. Neveragain.

[riget91710]

My son Malcolm has been gone for over 4 years now.  I have experienced a lot of losses during my lifetime and managed to keep on going.  I kept thinking that I was being tested and tried to think of everything that Job went through as well as God will not give us anything we cannot handle. (Paraphrased)  But when I lost Malcolm, it was like the straw that broke the Camels back.  He had just turned 31.   I prayed everyday of my childrens lives to please look after them and  protect them from harm.  On the way to the hospital the night he died, I pray all the way to please not to take him.  He was my youngest and my only son.  I love my daughter dearly but Malcolm and I definitely had a good Mother/Son relationship.

While I am still surviving as always, there is a part of me that is just gone and I don't understand why he was taken from us.

I don't expect any answers just want others to know that others have a hard time believing and keeping faith

Sue (Malcolm's Mom)

[brooklyn30]

My opening post may have been made in haste.  After some time I just have to fall on my knees and say "not my will God but yours".  I lost my son, then buried him and lost my job on the same day.  Now I'm unemployed with two children and a wife who need me and I I've lost everything.  I can keep my house for maybe another four months after that I don't know.  But I hate myself for doubting God, even after this I testify that God is great and only Him do I serve.

I don't know why this happened to Jack, he was innocent I can only think it is retribution against something I have done, payment for an injustice I've caused.  I can understand my suffering, I cling to my suffering and see how it can make me a better person, but I will never understand Jack's suffering and he did suffer.  Perhaps in order to die one needs to suffer on Earth, and Jack had it all in one short day and is now a Saint in Heaven.

The fact is I have been blessed I have a home, a great wife, two healthy great kids, and a wonderful extended family.  All of them are a testament to God's grace.  Thanks for all of your posts and words of encouragement, sometimes a man just needs to vent somewhere to anyone who will listen.

"Then Job began to tear his cloak and cut off his hair. He cast himself prostrate upon the ground,  and said, "Naked I came forth from my mother's womb, and naked shall I go back again. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!"

[caitsmom]

Dear Jack's Daddy,

It's OK, the loving God you believe in can handle it. That you have found a way for your faith to bring meaning to this suffering is healthy I think. Try not to beat yourself up for being "hasty" or "doubting," the God you love can handle it. Be gentle with yourself. Take one breath at a time, then one step, and make meaning of this life with the presence of the absence of Jack as it comes to your heart. Sending you and your loving family lots of hopes and prayers for gentler days.

Peace,

Caitsmom

[4everjoeysmom]

Brookilyn30, I am praying for you and your family.  God knows your needs.  Time and again I have seen Him meet our needs not a moment too soon or too late--in His perfect time.

My husband and I studied the Book of Job together just a couple of months before my son died.  I was thankful to have Job's trials as a reference to just how faithful God is...

If you need some uplifting support and wish to keep posting through your grief stages, there are so many here that care and woukd walk this journey with you.  There is a faith-based thread under Loss of a Child (Grief & Healing from a Christian-Biblical Worldview), where many of us share prayers, encouragement, our struggles, and godly wisdom.  Please know you are God's precios son, and He holds you dear and near as you heart does little Jack and your two surviving children.  May His peace and comfort carry you.

Blessings, Claudia 

[sydneysmom]

Hi Jack's Daddy,

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious son. I'm so sorry that he suffered. It just isn't right. 

I lost the little love of my life, my 20 month-old daughter, Sydney, in April 07, to an acute ascending UTI. While she didn't suffer (she passed very suddenly in her sleep), I can understand the questions that come when our babies leave so soon. Our pastor shared something at Sydney's funeral that I want to share with you. He told us about Christian author Marshall Shelly's questioning of God, when his 2 minute-old son died, and two months later his 2 year-old daughter died. He asked "Why God? Why would you create a child to live for only TWO minutes?" His answer from the Lord was his child, all of His children, are CREATED FOR ETERNITY. Your sweet Jack's earthly purpose has been fulfilled, but his REAL life will continue forever.

I don't understand why.....why the suffering.....but I can only believe that none of it matters to Jack. He is in Paradise.

The Little Lamb

Erwin W. Lutzer, from One Minute After You Die, p. 75, 1997, Moody Publishers

"The death of an infant, however, causes all of us to struggle with the will and purpose of God. It seems strange that God would grant the gift of life and then cause it to be snuffed out before it could blossom into a stage of usefulness. But we can be sure that there is a purpose in such a life, even if it is not immediately discernable.

James Vernon McGee again says that when a shepherd seeks to lead his sheep to better grass up the winding, thorny mountain paths, he often finds that the sheep will not follow him. They fear the unknown ridges and the sharp rocks. The shepherd will then reach into the flock and take a little lamb on one arm and another on his other arm. Then he starts up the precipitous pathway.

Soon, the two mother sheep begin to follow, and afterward the entire flock. Thus they ascend the tortuous path to greener pastures.

So it is with the Good Shepherd. Sometimes He reaches into the flock and takes a lamb to Himself. He uses the experience to lead His people, to lead His people, to lift them to new heights of commitment as they follow the little lamb all the way home."

 

I admire your transparency. The Lord honors our honesty. Hang in there one minute at a time.

Praying for you,

Angela

[blueskies4pain]

Hi Brooklyn30,

I am so sorry about loss of your son.

I lost my 3.5 month old son on 30th August 2009 to Acute Viral Myocarditis. He had to suffer so much during his stay in the PICU. He was on Ventilator and Dialysis. We finally lost him to cardiac arrest.

I felt the same way. Why would God make such a small innocent child suffer in this way? I also had people telling me - it is better that he died now than if had 5 or 10 years later! What kind of a logic is that?!!

I no longer know what to believe in.

[k8smum]

I am so sorry for all of us who are here on this journey without our children.

In the 5 years that our Caitlin battled the leukemia she and I spent what amounted to one year in hospital, days here, months or weeks there, etc.

In that time I saw so many wee ones go thru so many painful procedures and become so ill from the chemo and treatments not to mention the cancers they had, only to succumb in the end. I sat with other women who had become friends while they tried to keep some hope alive even as they knew their children were dying...then it was my turn.

I no longer have the faith that I used to; I am not an athiest either: a wonderful Episcopal priest I have spent time with calls me the very definition of an agnostic. I no longer know any of the answers. I do not have the black and white of either side but slog thru the grey. I think that I will most likely be a pilgrim on this road for the rest of my life. It wasn't a Eureka moment or anything big like that, I just knew one day that I had to be honest with myself and admit that I no longer believed fully and completely in traditional Judeo-Christian theology. Again, I just no longer know the answers that I was so certain of for most of my life.

I know I will be with Cait again, but not in the way I was traditionally taught from the time I was a child.

I do think that most of mankind has gotten a lot of things to do with all the various religions wrong over the millenia and I like the slightly black humor in the quote: God is a kid with an antfarm.

Best

Annie

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/