I Miss Him So...

[nev1965]

Yesterday I was feeling stronger. This evening not at all. It is friday & we should be spending the weekend together. I should be calling to see if Bill wants to pick up a pizza. But OFCOURSE that can't happen. Just like that George Strait song I HATE EVERYTHING. THAT is how I feel. I miss him more than words can say. Joyce my husband too was the strong one, even in the last moments of his life he was brave and concerned for the other person, knowing that it was not his fault AT ALL. His death certificate says HOMICIDE. HORRIBLE word when it is talking about the light of your life. I am sorry, I hate to come on here feeling like this, I am just soooo sad. It feels like it is even in my bones. Sad empty drained. That is me. I know that he is still here and I do hate to have him see me like this. I am even mad at him today for leaving me. How do these things happen??? WHY?? Life is so uncertain. I NEVER THOUGHT IT COULD HAPPEN TO MY BILL! I just miss him so much that I cant stand it. I want to wake up from this & say god what an awful dream. I want to escape this horrible sadness. I actually think about stupid things like walking out in front of traffic or some other way to be with him again. But I have my mom, dad and sister to think about & it would kill them. So I HAVE TO STAY and suffer. I would have followed him anywhere but I cant this time! Hang in there everyone, I am thinking about you all. I am sure weekends are harder on all of us then the rest of the week.

Thanks for being here.

Neva

[jenmulloy]

Some of my husbands family went out tonight and invited me. I wasn't going to go, but my mother-in-law said she'd watch Brady for a while. I guess I really don't feel much like doing anything and I feel bad for not wanting people around sometimes, but I feel alone no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing. I'm so tired and I can't barely sleep and I feel like I'm falling backward instead of trying to move forward. I just want to go back to where everything was "normal" again. I sit here and think each day is one day closer to seeing and holding him again and I just want this all to be a dream. I'm not strong enough for this. A lady told me at work that I'll move on and meet other people. And I told her not likely. Then she said that she knew he'd want me to be happy and asked if I thought the same. I said yes, but if we can't see each other with other people while we're alive, how can we say we'd be happy seeing our loved ones with another person after we're gone, especially when there's a little one involved. Maybe that's selfish thinking, but to think someone else got to spend the time that I couldn't with my spouse and child would bother me. I don't know, maybe my outlook right now isn't all that clear, but I know how much Brad loved us and I just want him here. Spiritually there's no doubt he's here, but physically I'd give anything just to have him lying next to me again. It's awful how in a moment everything can change and you have no say so. I know if I hear you're so young one more time from anybody I'll go through the ceiling. Being "so young" doesn't change my circumstances or even make my outlook on life easier. It's just something else that tells me that it'll be that much longer before I can see him again. I want to watch my son grow up and have a good life, I just wanted it to be like it was planned with his father and me. Sisters, brothers and getting everything Brad and I were deprived of growing up. The one thing we both had were our fathers and I can't give that to Brady now and I hate that he'll never know his father as I did. I can tell him but he'll never know first hand and that devastates me. These past two months have felt like an eternity and Im coming up on his 35th birthday in February. Everything I do reminds me of him and I feel so helpless.

[lauraa]

Dear Jenmulloy,

I hate this grieving..you just never know when your going to get hit. I can only describe it as pressure building and eventually it just has to be released by crying. Everything and everywhere I go reminds me of my husband. I find so so many times that I have to hold everything in and it just builds. Sometimes it is just so overwhelming....no-one should ever have to live thru this. It's horrible! And, it is so lonely on top of everything....There is no magic here. When the grief hits hard one just can't help but to think how inhumane and torturous it all is. It truely is beyond my comprehension and that makes it that much harder to deal with. I don't have the answers of why we all have to suffer like this? Especially, after we fell in love and found our soulmates, had dreams and goals and families? I will never understand. Why do the bad guys go on and feed evil into this world and why do the good guys get taken?????? That is my question and why are good people left behind suffering so and trying to pick up the pieces???? Why are families devastated? I guess everyone will have their turn sooner or later. It makes me wonder why we tried and worked so hard to get ahead...what's the purpose of it all. How can we ever love again after what we had? How could anyone ever love us after what we had? How can we believe in god's almighty power again after this? How do we really know they live on????? How do we really know we will join them again? This is what haunts me on a daily basis and I am working hard to try and be strong and figure it all out...Where do all the tears come from?????LaURA

[nev1965]

THIS IS A TEST OF FAITH. This is our chance to show that we can believe in the things that are not easily seen or felt. I feel that we are in the game of life and our loved ones are watching over us cheering us on. Saying you can do this!! You can heal, and learn & grow from these lessons that we are all here to learn. I know that if I was the one to go first & I was watching over my husband the way I KNOW he is watching over me then I would be giving him love and strength & the go ahead to smile again to live life on earth to the fullest. Like Sylvia Browne says this is just our home away from HOME. This is like boarding school and we are here to learn. We can either learn from the hard lessons or else waste this chance for spiritual growth. I think that the ONLY way to heal (not that we will EVER be the same) is to look at the BIG PICTURE. Be happy for the ones we love that they are in the light of gods love so fully & completely that we cannot even comprehend it. I am NOT a religious person by any means but I am spiritual. When I lost my baby I went straight into the darkest night & my heart closed to so many of the blessings that we all are given. When my husband went to the light, well for some reason my heart opened back up. I am trying to be understanding of life and people and the things that we all struggle with. I feel that by trying to lift myself up spiritually then I will be closer to my husband who I love soooo much. I know his love didnt die and neither will mine. I also know that I have to honor him in a way that shows I will take this loss and be better for it. He would be proud of me if I can do this. I know that he is with me every moment of every day. I am upset that I am not seeing or hearing the signs of him but I believe that is something that will come. I had some signs but got freaked out. Not being SURE it was him. But like my sister said who else would it be?? Plus we are given these times of uncertainty to prove to ourselves our loved ones and everyone else that we do BELIEVE! I want you all to BELIEVE IT! KNOW that they are never really lost and we need to use our time here to help others through this same thing! Sorry- I didnt mean to get preachy. I just wish I could help you all through this. I know the pain, loneliness and shear heartbreak that all of us are feeling. I have never had a hurt like this but for some reason I can see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I can't get there yet, but it is in the distance and I WILL keep walking towards it. I will pray for all of you to see it ahead too.

Neva

[jenmulloy]

Lauraa

I hate sounding so depressed and angry, but I just want to know why so bad sometimes. I've been reading a book and trying to believe he is with me always, but physically I want to be with him and I know I can't. Everyone tells me that I sound suicidal, but just because I say I'd rather be in heaven with him doesn't mean I'd ever take my own life. I don't know, I know I need to be positive and hope for the best for the future, but I miss him and that's not going to change anytime soon and neither is my hurt or my anger. It's just the steps I'm taking toward healing and everyone has to heal in their own way. I just want to let you and everyone else know how much your support and words help with every step of the healing process. It's nice to relate and have people understand, yet the circumstances I wish were better.

[computermemaw2]

I've started going to a support group that meets every Wed night 1 1/2 hours for 8 weeks. Last Wed was the 2d night. I'm not sure it's for me right now. I paid $75 to go to it so unless I really get more mad next week, I'll try to stick with it. I'd pretty much been doing okay in it, but last week, when the preacher said "I've noticed when each of you talk about your departed loved one, most of you say "passed". You need to say "died"--your loved one died. Everyone was really quiet and kinda looking around at each other. Then out of the blue, and I didn't even know I was going to say it, I looked straight at him and said "my husband's physical body may have died, but he didn't, and I don't care what you tell me, I'll never believe my husband "died"--only his physical body died. I said, you don't have to have me say it to know that--I saw it in our bedroom at home, I saw it at the emergency room, and I saw it at the funeral home. But as far as I'm concerned, my husband didn't "die". I HAVE to believe that or I don't think I could go on. Another topic of discussion came up from someone of how upset they were that now that their husband had died they'd never see them again, never still be their wife, never ever be with him again. I wish I'd learn to keep my mouth shut, because again, out of the blue, I suddenly said "and who in the world ever told you that? Of course you're going to see him again--you'll always be his wife." Well, that just opened up "well, the bible says this, and this." I should remember that you never ever discuss politics and religion. Then, after the group, going home, one of the ladies I went with said she'd had so many plans for the evening that her husband unexpectedly died from a heart attack. That she'd planned to have on her nightgown and sit at his feet and tell him just how much he meant to her and now she'd never be able to tell him, that he'd never know. I suddenly stopped walking beside her and turned her around and said "and how come you can't tell him those things? I talk to my husband every day! You think your husband hasn't just heard all the wonderful things you just said about him, about how much you loved him and what he meant to you? He's heard everything; he's with you now." I could tell from her expression she thought I was nuts, so I just said to her "It boils down to what you believe, and everyone has his/her own beliefs." I've noticed that the other lady who I ride with never says anything--she's probably smart--I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself. But it does get hard sometimes. We're hurting so badly, and our lives will NEVER be the same. I know I've asked a hundred times what did I do? If we really do chart out our lives beforehand, why did my husband chart his to leave me early, hadn't I learned enough lessons growing up and into adulthood about hurt and self-esteem. Some of the feelings I went through growing up made me think I'd never feel any lower, but when my husband "died" I fould out differently. I don't think there's anything else that could happen to me that'd have any more impact on me than this has. I'm moving on, I'm working, I'm trying to resume "living" but even after a year, I still feel like I'm going through the motions. I laugh when I'm supposed to, but there's no joy any more. And my home is now just a house, and the things in it are just STUFF. I look around now and think "so many wasted moments, so much time wasted on things that weren't important." I have to bite my tongue at times when I hear someone say their husband made them so mad that day, or men are so stupid, or sometimes I wonder what I saw in him? I'd give anything to have my husband back with me. It may be selfish, but that's the way I feel. It took me a year to clean out my sewing room--I just moved the stuff to the bedroom and closed the door. Now I can't get into the bedroom (see--I still have some sense of humor left). I long so badly for my husband "to give me a sign" to "come to me in a dream" so I'd hear from him he was okay. I know 2 mediums told me so, but it's an obsession with me right now that I NEED to hear it from HIM....does that make sense? I think THEN I'd be able to move on more, that then I'd KNOW "yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus". But, again, it comes down to what we want to believe. I KNOW there's GOT to be MORE than this. God, the supreme being, whomever, couldn't have meant that this is all there is. I DON'T believe that. I'd read that when we're happy our psychic energy radiates out from us and makes it possible then for communication, and that when we're in grief, we've enabled a psychic vacuum around us. But it's hard to "radiate happiness" when you're hurting so badly. This grieving process sucks! Gayle

[jlizzy]

JenMulloy and Nev and All

I think that a lot of us who are going through this horrible

loss of our loved ones thinks about joining them. I miss Bob

a lot and I want to be with him. I am older, I am going to be

59 in March, so I may be closer to joining Bob than most of you;

but nobody knows how long they will be here.

I am extremely depressed; most of it comes from financial and

legal problems that I have no control over. With my depression

comes anxiety attacks. The psychiatrist and my doctor dont

understand, they say that its been 7 months and you are an

older woman so you should be adjusted to your loss by now.

My therapist and my hospice grief worker understand by they

cant give medication to help me.

Jenmulloy- you have Brady and he will keep you going. Your

feelings are feelings that I think all of us have gone through.

Age is only a number and it doesnt mean that because you are

young you will find someone else. Some people who have lost

their spouse have found someone else and some have never found

someone else. You will do what is right for you and Brady and

I know that you will be okay. Take one day at a time and dont

try to rush your grief; cry when you need to cry and dont care

what anyone else thinks or says== This is your grieving period

no matter how long it takes.

Nev,

I am very religious, although I cant walk into a church yet.

I envy you your spiritualality. I am trying so very hard to

know that Bob is with me every day. I have had some signs

right after he passed, but now they are so rare. Once in

awhile I get a feeling that he is near, but no signs.

Laura,

You are strong, all of you are stronger than you think.

Bob left me a cassette tape on the first thing I heard when

I played it after he passed was, "Get yourself together

we both know that I am better off". I was together, I wasnt

as upset as everyone thought I would be; but I am not

together now. Bob and I had a private joke: if he went

first, I would be a mess but if I went first, he would

find someone else because he couldnt be alone.

But I am stronger than I thought I would be and my beliefs

are getting stronger every day. When I find a spiritual church,

I know that I will get stronger.

Hang in there, we are all going to take a step back for every

few steps we take forward and this is part of the process.

We arent going to get better quickly, we have to adjust to

the lesson that we have been given.

God Bless All

Joyce

[jlizzy]

Gayle,

I am sorry that you paid for an 8 week grief session. They should

be free. I know the one I went to was at our hospital. I went and

stopped because toward the end, they told me that I should face

the fact that Bob is dead and I couldnt do that. I too believe

that there is life after death. I must admit that I wasnt sure

until Bob was leaving and he saw the tunnell and he talked to

people who left before he did. I know for sure there is because

Bob spoke to his real father who denied he was his father and never

saw Bob while he was here on earth. His real father died about

10 years ago). Anyway, Bob said, "Get the "H" away from me.

I dont want you to help me now. Get the "F" out of here and

dont come back." I went over and took Bobs hand and asked him

who he was talking to and he told me his real Dad. I asked

Bob to forgive and not to leave me with hate in his heart

for anyone. After that, Bob talked to people but he didnt

say who he was talking to. I had asked him to look for some

of his loved ones who had already passed.

A holistic healer saw Bob over my shoulder two days after

he passed. So I know he is alright, I just have to start

taking care of myself.

I am proud of you that you spoke your mind. The church says

that we go to God when we die and we will be there for

eternity. So why wouldnt we join our loved ones and friends

who go before us?

I hope you can make it through the grief sessions, I know that

I couldnt.

Sounds to me like you are doing okay, it takes time and as

much time as you need. I know because I started falling back

and my hospice grief counselor says that is normal. He is

really my support right now, along with this site.

God Bless All

Joyce

[nev1965]

Gayle- I so relate to you and everything you said. I would have said exactly what you did! I KNOW he is here I just dont feel it like I did. I had some signs I think noises at night which made me afraid. I never did like staying in this house alone. I told Bill that I was happy he was here but I didnt like the noises. 2 wks ago. It was when I first stayed at my house. I too need signs, I feel like you. I waited 32 yrs for my husband and then only had 7 yrs with him. 7 yrs 2 months 2 weeks to the day. I was in my chair last night going where I didnt need to go almost dozing, visualizing his physical form and thinking about how I used to love to rub the hair on his belly. It was so soft & I loved doing it even though he wasnt always fond of it. He said I was petting him like the dogs! LOL Well it hit me BAM he is GONE!! OH MY GOD! I was jerked clear out of my dozing reverie of fantasy. It made me almost go into one of my panic attacks. I believe that we do chart things ahead of time but still ask WHY! Why did we lose our son halfway through our pregnancy. WHY did I have to lose the one man that ever really loved me the way I NEEDED?? God this seems so wrong. I woke up early this morning feeling miserable. Went back to sleep after begging Bill for a sign. Only to wake up from a bad dream where all I could do was wonder around where ever I was crying & crying. Even in my dreams I have to grieve. I am going to try to go to one of the spiritualist churches soon. We also are going to see sylvia browne & another psychic that wrote a book that I have. In March. I dont know if I will get lucky enough to get a reading but I am looking forward to it. I just miss him so bad & on top of that I have to deal with his family. They NEVER called my husband, not even on his birthday. NOT EVEN HIS MOTHER! They are a strange bunch. They all want something of his. IT HAS BEEN 6 WEEKS! His toothbrush is still in the holder. The dirty clothes he wore are still on my bed. I dont want to be selfish BUT I am NOT ready to start handing out his things. ESPECIALLY to people that were not that kind to him while he was here. He has two children from his first marriage & I feel that they are the ones that deserve his things when they get alittle older. So that they can take care of them. They are 10 & 13. I am trying to be understanding. The day Bill went to the light I made the coroner keep him at the hospital while his family tried to get there. It was an industrial accident so they wanted to do an autopsy and since we live in a small area they had to send him to columbus. I told them absolutely no they could not move him until his family got there. My whole family was there immediately. Which for the past 7 yrs has been HIS family! Do you think they appreciated this? They wanted to know what I am doing with his truck. Which technically was mine. Which I have to make a $400 a month payment on, because I cant just get rid of it. Everything we owned was in my name. Our house is in my fathers name because we didnt have enough credit to carry the mortgage. They even asked about my house. I built the house 11 yrs ago. Bill moved in with me. It then became his home & I had an agreemen with my family that should I pass first then Bill would get the house. We both knew they would honor this. His brothers havent even called me one time to see if I need anything. My dad & best friends husband chopped wood for me. Since we always need to use a woodburner to help with heating costs. The only time they call me is when they want something. That is not surprising but it makes me angry. Sorry, once again I have went on & on. Thanks for listening.

Neva

[cvaughan598]

Wow, I thought I was doing fairly well... I was cleaning out my old desk. The one that I had all through college at my parents house and I found the packet of things that Rikki had put together for me for our 3 year dating anniversary. Everything still holds true for us even with her gone. Made for a really LONG night! I read it and I smiled, but couldn't help but cry because I still have those feelings and I can't express them to her and she can't express them to me. Yes she can hear me and I'm positive she is keeping an eye on me, but holding her and telling her "I love you" was one of my favorite things to do... Hearing her say I love you more was all I needed to get through a day. Not hearing that eats at me every day. I know it isn't as big as some of the issues here, but felt the need to post because of how much it hurt. Thank you all for being here... I am thinking about you all.

Chris

[computermemaw2]

Chris, don't you think for one moment that we all don't feel exactly as you do about not having our loved one here to hold close. I know I said earlier that I talk to my husband every day. But let me tell you--words can't describe how angry I get having to talk to "air" and trying to keep the faith that my husband is listening to me and hears me. I ache each day to have his arms around me to hold close, and think what an idiot I am at night when I say to him to snuggle close and put your arms around me to make me feel safe before I go (or try to) to sleep. I miss him so badly I still have the clothes he wore the night before he died hanging on the bathroom door, right where he left them. I can at least "smell" him and know that he WAS real and not just a figment of my imagination. We all understand your emotions and feelings--you're not alone, even though at times I know you feel you are. We know that even in a crowd--we still feel alone. Keep on plugging along. We're here for you. Gayle

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

I know how you all feel. I have been feeling really lonely lately! It's just getting use to my husband not being here anymore...I want to see him, feel him, talk to him and he is gone...I can't get over the feeling of "what the hell happened". We had what everyone else longed for in a relationship...we had it and we cherished it each and everyday and now it's gone. I feel so drained of energy and look at everyone's problems like they have no clue what a real problem is. I just can't deal with it and therefore I feel so isolated and alone. I am still amazed at the way people handle situations like ours and in the way they "don't" deal with death. It is hurtful and I don't think people really realize what they "aren't" doing and how they make us feel. That is one I scratch my head over! I am getting ready to send my oldest to college next year and it is emotional for me without my husband. It's also hard to sit thru their sports games without him. This is all stuff that builds up inside me until I just can't take it anymore and then I have to cry. I know the feeling that you really don't want to go on without them but we have to. It is just so hard because we were connected and so, so committed to one another and then they are just gone...it is quite the adjustment. I really don't know where the road is going to lead me. I know I have 6 more years before my daughter graduates from HS and then all three of my kids will be grown. Then what???? Who knows? Twenty eight years of marriage.....plans and dreams just went poof! All our hard work...why? I just feel so so lonely without my soulmate! Besides my children, nothing seems to matter, anymore. When does that feeling change? Why do really bad things happen to really good people???? There is such a void in my life and I don't know how I can ever fill it as much as I try. I lost my two best friends last year(my dad and my husband) and I feel lonely without them. I know they would want me to be happy but it is not easy without them. I hate this whole process and I'm so tired because it doesn't change and I keep having to get thru the first of everthing and it is so tiring and wearing. It feels like, let's just beat them down as far as they can go and then keep beating them, and then see if they are still surviving. That is how I feel...I know it sounds bad but it is how I feel. And, I am a survivor! What the hell did I do to deserve such torture and punishment to loose the dearest person to me, what? Life is so fragile and I just don't know if I will ever care like I did before about anything!.....................Laura

[sillygirl]

Morning everyone, Laura, I know how you feel about sending your son to college and the school events. My daughter will graduate from HS next year, there are so many things that I know her dad would have wanted to be here for and as much as I know that he is spiritually, its just not the same. She knows that he watches her in whatever she does and she says that she knows he would be proud of her. Next year after she graduates, we are moving back to Michigan so that she can go to college, that is what she wants to do. It is so hard to be a "single" parent and to have to assume all of the responsibilities of "mom and dad". With 2 girls I have to try and give each of them time and sometimes it seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. My daughter is going to Europe this summer with a music group, she will be gone for 16 days and will tour 7 countries, I really couldnt afford to send her but she may never get the opportunity again so she is going, she wishes her dad were here to see the pictures that she will take. My youngest daughter also wishes that he were here, they were very close, and even though her uncles try and be a "dad" to them, its not the same. I cant understand why we have to endure these changes in our lives but seeing as how I cant change it, I have to live with it and try and go on which is what I am doing. My grief classes that I am taking have really helped me cope with how I feel and to heal, and to finally come to a resolution and to be able to let go, move on with life, but not to forget the memories. We are all here on this site for the same reason, because we lost someone so precious to us that now life is turned upside down and we are all just trying to turn it back the other way. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Gods peace, comfort and strength to all of you. I have so many friends here that I am truely blessed and proud to call you all friends. Take care. Sue

[nev1965]

Hello Everyone- Today is a hard one. I woke up at 5 am for about an hour. Just feeling alone, so damn alone. Yes we can be in a crowd and still be alone. Like I said before I live in a small town and the other day me & my mom were driving through and I saw all the people coming & going like nothing has happened. It hit me that this world may look the same but it will NEVER BE THE SAME FOR ME! It hurt so bad I just wanted to stop breathing. It is the hardest thing in the world trying to figure out how to live again. I have days that I am so optimistic but they are not as frequent as I would like. I want to get through this sooner than later. I mean I will NEVER be the same person. NEVER. But I need to find some peace. If that is possible. I hate to be miserable. I am normally an upbeat positive individual but this has wiped me out. My house is a mess, I chain smoke. I live on pogo playing games, trying to pass each day. I am looking for a job. I know that I am going to have to let my husbands truck go sell it or something because I just cant keep making the $400 pymt. That hurts. But it hurts pulling in the driveway knowing he will never drive it again. That song "If Heaven" by Andy Griggs is on. That song sounds so much like my husband. I know he wants me to listen to it & be strong. God I love my husband more than the air that I breathe. I just cant even understand things. I am trying so hard. But I feel like falling down and never getting up again. The part of the song "If heaven was a tear it would be my last one, and you would be in my arms again. IT IS SOOO TRUE. FOR ALL OF US. Isnt it? God I cant stand this. Why cant I wake up from this horrible nightmare and have my sweet husband here again. Weekends kill me. I am hoping to work during weekends. That should help some. Sue- you said you take a grief class that is helping can you give me alittle information on that? I need something. Thank you all for listening.

I hope you all can have as good a day as possible.

Neva

[forblueskies]

Life will never ever be the same. I am almost one and a half of a year into this. I wake up and don't want to go on. I just try to keep myself going by thinking that if I was gone what would David do. I would not want him to carry this pain. I know that my husband would have not had a easy time bringing up our girls. They both are daddies girls both look like him, act like him, like the same foods. Both are living gifts to me. First I would cry when I realized how much both are growing into their daddy.I know that David would want me to do the best I could do. So that is why his mom lives with me. She gives them the love that she gave their daddy. We luckily get along. My girls love her so much and I am so lucky. I really think that she would have killed herself. Not that I did not want to myself but my babies were still in diapers. I had those feeling for some time. David would have been so angry with me for leaving them in this hell with neither parent.

I just got rid of Davids truck it had been smashed to about 4 ft and burned. I had in a storage unit for over a year. i htought since the truck driver that killed my husband and another man this would be evidence. Plus I cleaned out the remains of my husband I did not want anypart of him going to a junk yard. I had no idea that he was in a fire until after the funeral. I thought I would call the corner a few days later to look for my wedding band. I gave it to David the day before, we had been moving. The corener had told me that David was talking and that a fire is what took him. He felt so bad for me because david would have walked away with no injuries. He had pulled his shoulder out of place. Nobody helped David. One man ran to David and tried to help but could not get him out he ran for help and the police cheif told everyone to get back. The police chief was on his way home from work. They listened to david scream and let him burn to death. This happened on an interstate bridge. Another man was killed the smae way. The driver has never been charged with anything. i don't know why. I gave them proof that he was going 85 when he hit the first car. I get so angry over this. I want to beat the driver with one of my husbands ping golf clubs. I know this man is not sorry. I read his deposition and have him on tape. I hired a private investigator who founf out that he had a history of beating his wife and children. Had other accidents where no one was killed. this man is still driving. I am in hell everyday I live with this.

I know how hard it is but your children will always need even if they get out of high school. they need you to be there every step of the way. For weddings, graduations, grandchildren, they only have one parent now. We need our children they are gifts from our loved ones. It is very bittersweet. I can say that I don't feel a need to find someone else. I want my girls to know that we are strong and I can do this. Our society tells us we need to be with some one after losing our loved ones but it will just happen again. I know my husband would tell me to be happy. he actually did in a dream he told me he was ok and he would like to see me smile more often. He also told me to forget about the killer.

I just find pece in knowing that one day I am going to die I am not afraid to die now. I am afraid of living and staying sane. I am afraid of not making to my girls weddings graduations and all those bittersweet things. I have to protect them because no one else will love them the way a parent does. We are all needed here to represent our loved ones. I wished death never happened so we could always be with our loved ones. Physical death does happen but we will never be alone. Our loved ones will always be with us. Waiting on us to return.

I have worked at the bottem if hell, I worked with sexually abused kids, babies, I have always question God, why would you let a baby get raped. Why should this happen?? The horrible stories I could tell. This is worse that anything I think. I miss my husband terribly but god lets worse things happen.

When you don't have dreams I liketo think that my husabnd is visiting our children, maybe this will work for you as well

I wish hope for everyone!!

[forblueskies]

I did find my wedding band in Davids pocket that was melted to the door of the truck. I got my ring back with no harm done to it just the painful memory of that day.

[jenmulloy]

Forblueskies

I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am about your husband. I can't imagine having to go through what you described. I really feel like law enforcement doesn't do as much as they could as fast as they could. I called 911 and made the mistake of telling them Brad wasn't breathing and he was cold and I knew he was gone, so they took their time. I don't really remember hearing any sirens at all. I know that morning was a blur on a lot of levels, but I still think they don't do as much as they could all the time. I really believe the way someone dies makes the grieving process that much more different than the rest. I have a little one too. He looks more like his dad every day and I have a hard time not cursing the world. My husband has a cousin who has been in multiple accidents for driving drunk and has even served time for it, but it doesn't phase him, he still gets behind the wheel and I've always worried when he might hurt someone. People like the man who killed your husband don't seem to care about anyone but themselves and may never serve time for it on earth, but he'll answer for it one day. That may not be a consolation now, but I've always believed in karma and how it has a way of catching up with you. I too also live with my mother in law and spend time with his family a lot. I get along pretty well with all of them for the most part, but they can be really critical, like when I say I want to take Brady to see my family and may even move back to my home town. I don't know why I let people make me feel down, not that I can get any lower some days, but I've gotten a lot better about telling people how I feel when I'm angry or upset with them. It's amazing how easy it is not to hold yourself back when you deal with all the stress that losing someone can cause.

Chris

You scare me sometimes. I read your entries and everything you've been doing I can relate to so much. Brad and I kept all the letters we sent to each other before I moved out here. I don't know if I told anyone this, but Brad and I met over the internet, scary thought sometimes, but we did and I moved out here and we got married and the rest is a fairy tale that didn't have the happily ever after I always dreamed of, we always dreamed of. But, I was going through some stuff and found pictures and letters and all of our wedding plans. Brad had to write everything down. We always had a list. Vacations, grocery store, camping, you name it, we had a list. I came across his old tape recorder and it had him singing our song and a few others and I just cried. To hear his voice again. I remember when he told me when we first started talking about me moving out here that he had recorded himself singing and was so embarrassed. I haven't gotten the courage to play our wedding tape yet, or even our camcorder tape. I go to the cemetary on a weekly basis, or as much as I can, it's kinda hard working things around a 20 month old who is hyper to no ends. I hope everything finds you as well as can be.

To Everyone

I just want everyone to know how reading these entries every few days really does help me accept that I'm not the only person in the world who feels completly helpless at times. I've been wondering about going to a medium and seeing if what I've seen and read actually can happen. I guess I just wanted to see if anyone here has had any experiences or even toyed with the idea. I guess I just long to know something. I've seen and read that people's outlook on life change after knowing their loved one is okay. There's no doubt in my mind that he loved me or his children, I guess I'm just curious. Anyway, I hope this finds everyone as well as can be in the healing process. I've been sick so I haven't had the energy to be angry this weekend, just tired and stuffy, so I guess that's a plus this week.

[evanryan]

Jenmulloy,

If you are thinking about seeing a medium I suggest you check out fst.org website. Simeon is a REAL medium, and I know that from experience. He connected my son and I and told me things NO one in this world could have possibly known. It helped more than anything else has. Be open, but be careful, as there are those out there who are not the real deal. I have enclosed an excerpt from the fst website.

Also, I hope you find the peace you are seeking.

Helpful Hints on Consulting a Medium or Psychic:

Some Practical Do's and Don'ts and

What to Look Out For and How Not to Get Cheated.

Contrary to popular belief, mediums and psychics are not machines which can be randomly turned on and off. Many subtle factors are involved in the channeling of information. Sometimes, everything falls very nicely into place and a strong communicative link is established. At other times, this may not be the case. The failure to establish or maintain a strong link with Spirit may have nothing to do with either the medium or the sitter; so, we must never judge any sensitive's work based upon one sitting.

The question is: how can you determine whether you should visit a particular medium or psychic. Here are some helpful hints:

First and foremost: know whether you wish to sit with a medium or a psychic. Each works on a different level and offers a different type of information. A medium offers communication from Spirit; a psychic attunes to and interprets the energies from the sitter.

If a sensitive promises you the world, be careful.

If a sensitive charges an unreasonably high fee, then you can be pretty well assured that his or her primary motive for doing the work is financial. Of course, the service offered by a good medium or psychic is invaluable, and you should expect to pay a reasonable rate for his or her time; but, outlandish fees should be avoided. Use good judgment here.

Be careful when a medium says that he or she will promise communication from particular spirit loved ones. No one can make that guarantee. If conditions are right, and if that particular medium is suitable for your loved-ones to link with, then, very likely, you will get what you hope to receive. This is determined at the time of the sitting, not prior. So, be cautious of guarantees made in this work.

Be cautious of sensitives who charge per question or per communicator. In our opinion, this is too much like grocery shopping and not the way in which sittings should be conducted.

During a sitting, be discerning when it comes to predictions. It is true that what we shall do tomorrow is being planned, spiritually, today, and the energy of those plans are within the aura; but, nothing of the future is etched in stone. Always use your good judgment concerning the future.

Understand why it is that the Spirit loved-ones wish to communicate through a medium. Is it to tell us about career, romance, and finances? No. That is not their job. Spirit comes, first, to let us know that they are OK and that there is life after death; then, to guide and inspire us. Spirit does not come to live our lives or to make decisions which we should be making. The same applies to psychics. Do not turn over the responsibility of your life into the hands of another.

Be very careful of sensitives who ask personal questions, either before or during your sitting. Very often, they fish for information and return that information, either as a message from Spirit or as part of the psychic reading. No medium or sensitive needs to know anything about you, except your name (even this is not really required). If he or she asks for additional information, do not offer it. You do not have to provide your date of birth or anything of that nature beforehand. The only question which a sensitive should ask, during a sitting, is whether or not you understand or can accept a piece of information given to you; then, answer only YES or NO; do not give any additional information.

The time you spend with a psychic or medium is YOUR time. If ever you are told that you cannot tape record a sitting or reading, stay clear!

Finally, please avoid those dreadful psychic hot lines, which, thankfully, in the United States, are quickly becoming a thing of the past. Trust us on this one: for $240 an hour, you are NOT making any kind of a friend.

This may all seem like a lot of warnings. But, today, we are inundated with countless mediums and psychics who make outlandish claims, charge even more outlandish fees for their services, and promise people the world.

There are many very good, ethical, fair, and honest mediums and psychics, and the service which they can render to the seeking soul is, truly, priceless; but you have to know what to look out for. Use this information as a guideline in your quest and you will find what you need.

Best of luck in your quest for truth!

If you have any comments or questions on this article, please feel free to e-mail us, at fst@fst.org. Thank you.

[hmtod73]

jenmulloy, heather here. my response to you about going to a medium......go for it. but be careful. do your research first. make sure that person is "real". do not give them info about your situation prior to your reading. just say you want an after death reading on your husband. that is all they need....maybe a first name. i have had several different readings over the years by 3 different people and i was pleased with every one. not all the readings were adc. i even had animal readings. here is who i suggest to you. kelly weaver.

kellysmagicalgarden.com also, you may want to talk with your husband a day or so before the reading and explain things to him. say that you are wanting to hear a special message from him and you are trying to get that message by way of a medium. explain to him that it means alot to you (and for your healing process) to have some type of contact with him......some form of verification (comfort) for you (us) that are still here on earth. talk to him about how you are feeling, your thoughts, your everyday activities, ask him questions, ask his opinions. talk to him as if he was here. then, when it comes time for the reading, go with an open mind and an open heart. DO NOT go with expectations. you may be disappointed. the info you will be told is the info you NEED to hear, not always all the info you WANT to hear. it is very hard to go to a reading with no expectations. but just try to and be happy with the info you receive.

ps: kelly has worked with police on murder cases.

hope things work out for you. thank you for letting me respond. heather

[cvaughan598]

Okay, so I have to share this story. I was talking with one of my friends this weekend. She is my best friend from high school. Just got back in touch with her after Rikki passed. We are chatting and her TV just goes haywire changing channels... The remote was sitting on top of the TV and she and her daughter were sitting away from it. Now we have known for a long time that she had something going on. Visions, dreams, people talking to her... never really paid much attention to it. Will on Friday she did... It was Rikki coming through to talk to me. She apparently had put the two of us in touch with each other again so she would have an outlet. I didn't ask much just let her talk and she told me things that my friend had no clue about. Like where to hang our "family portrait." I said, she wasn't in it... I don't want to. She said yes she is, you can see her rings in that portrait. At that time I was wearing Rikki's wedding and engagement rings on a chain around my neck. Lots of little things like that that she wouldn't have known about... I wasn't real sure whether or not to believe her and told her so. I just didn't know if it were possible because she is not trained.

Well, I do a lot of research on dreams because I have started having them again... when I sleep anyway and I want to be able to understand them. I have a book called: So, What Did You Dream Last Night... I had a dream on Friday night after questioning my friend. I was talking on the phone with Rikki. Don't know what we were talking about or anything. Well, a phone in your dreams is a symbol for a line of communication that you need to follow up on. This was RIGHT after the whole thing with my friend! Talk about strange! After that dream I woke up and felt so much better because I felt like Rikki had been able to contact me and let me know she was okay and that she was watching and looking over Madison and I. I think Madison has seen her too. She lays in the floor and stairs at the ceiling and giggles, cackles, and screams, and kicks... If it were somewhere near a light fixture I would attribute it to that... but I prefer to believe that it is Rikki talking to her daughter. That has to be it because Madison has been the model child for me to raise on my own. There are just so many things that just "worked out" or just "happened" that would not have been normal. I have to believe that she is watching over us and guiding me. This was just a VERY unique situation and I wanted to share it. Since the topic of conversation has been mediums. My friend isn't a professional and doesn't know how to do it when she wants to but somehow or another Rikki came to me through her! I love my wife... She was always so persistant... In life and in passing!

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Chris

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

I just got in from my counseling session and I cried the whole time today...I just miss my husband so much! I can't believe he is gone! I wake up at night and just long to have him back. How can I ever get over this hurt...I don't think I ever will...I just don't have a zest for life like I once did. My husband my everything to me. I loved being married to him and caring for him and our kids/home. What will I do now...how can I gain the strength to carry on when my belief system has been rocked. I am just so so lonely. Why the hell doesn't anyone besides a therapist know how to deal with death...People are stupid and selfish! What do they think it is catchy, do they think it will happen to them. The problem is sometime or another it will and I hope they never know this loneliness. It is hell! Thank goodness I had children to carry on! I just know that life can change in a heartbeat and I hate it. Why couldn't god stop all this from happening...we prayed, we did all the right things....why?....Can anyone give me real answers to that......? Laura

[evanryan]

Laura,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Why is the toughest question to ask and the toughest to get an answer to. When I lost my son I asked the same question and after quite some time and a LOT of searching, I have come to the conclusion that only you can answer that question for yourself. And the answer you may come up with is and may be incomplete, but something is better than nothing and partial answers are better than no answers at all. You are right in saying that people don't understand and they do stay away because they are afraid of death.. even talking about it. It does seem like it's catching, but in reality it's their fear of talking about something that seems so awful. They don't want to go where you are forced to go. You are simply leading the way, as sooner or later everyone will suffer a loss.

Please, take a look at some of the books on the Beyond Indigo website, or go to the library or bookstore and read all the books you can on death and you will most certainly find that there are people who do have some ideas about why, but those answers are for them, and based on their own search. Be open with the authors you read, as we don't know where our search will take us and we don't yet know where to look, and that's where the being open part really helps.

All the best to you. You can make it if you try really hard. Never stop searching for the answer to why. You may be surprised at what you can find out.

M

[sillygirl]

NEVA, I AM TAKING ON LINE CLASSES FOR A BA DEGREE IN GRIEF COUNSELING AND BEREAVEMENT EDUCATION. ALL OF MY CLASSES DEAL WITH DEATH AND DYING. I HAVE READ MANY BOOKS, "ON DEATH AND DYING" BY ELIZABETH KUBLER ROSS, THE PSYCHOSOCIAL ASPECTS OF DEATH, THESE WERE REALLY GOOD. TAKE CARE. YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. SUE

[nev1965]

Sue- Where do you take the classes? I looked online and found some but they were like seminars. I think that we are in a very unique position here and maybe while healing ourselves we can learn enough to reach out to others. I KNOW that very few grasp the depth of what we are going through. I miss my husband so bad that sometimes I can hardly breathe. Saturday would have been Bill's 37th birthday. I put something in the paper today so that it will be in for his birthday. I hate this more than anything. Feeling pretty bad today. I told mom that I hate Happy People. People who are living a normal life. OFCOURSE I dont mean it. But I was coming up on the place in the road where my husband died, where his cross is that my dad made. And maybe at that moment I did hate everybody. Isnt that awful?? I am not really that kind of person, but it hurts so much that I cant stand it. I havent been sleeping very well either. The medicine helped at first (anti-depressant). Now I go to sleep late & wake up at odd hours of the morning. Well, I hope everyone is hanging in there.

Thanks for listening,

Neva

[sillygirl]

Neva, sorry that you are feeling down. I know how you feel, I guess we all do here. It has almost been 1 year since Jerry died, the 26th of Feb to be exact and I am just now able to let go of some of the feelings that I had. I am continually trying to move forward and not go back. The classes I am taking have helped so much. I am taking them through Breyer State. I am going for my masters after I am done with my bachelors. I also know what you mean about not sleeping well. I am now able to sleep about 3 hours straight and that is a big improvement. I dont think that any life is "normal". They all have their ups and downs. No one knows that better than all of us here. I used to have panic attacks but they have gotten better. Check out the Breyer State web site and see if that is something that you would want to do. I am planning on moving back to Michigan after my oldest daughter graduates from HS next year and want to work with children that are dealing with grief, they are the ones that are forgotten about in all of this. The children are people too with feelings just like us, but unfortunately, they are left out and not heard. Take care Neva and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Gods peace, comfort and strength to you and your family. Sue

[nev1965]

Sue-

Thank you so much for your response. I will check that out. I feel better today. Last night (I know this sounds odd) I was feeling so alone, deserted. I could not feel my husbands presence here at all. Just feeling so bad wondering throught this empty house. Then right before I went to bed (the couch) I asked Bill for a sign, I said please give me a sign, just something so that I will know that you are really here. Well, I had the tv on watching Jay Leno- I said change the channel or something, put it on the speed channel or something. We always watched Nascar together. Well, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, guess what channel it was on?? Thats right! Speed channel. Now I know that sometimes the satellite will reset itself & most times it does go the speed channel. We would be watching something & the channel would change, OCCASIONALLY not all the time. I really do believe that my husband came through with flying colors for me. What do you all think? I mean yes I know the tv has been known to change itself but what are the odds that it would happen by random when I was begging Bill for a sign? I actually went to sleep with a smile instead of tears for a change. I knew in my heart that my sweet husband came through in that manner. I just feel tons better today because of his love & caring for me even across the veil. I hope everyone is doing well today.

I am thinking of you all.

Neva

[pandorra]

Hi everyone,

I have not written in a while because I was so bitter and angry and depressed. I wanted to hate my Jeff and decided I would just curl up in my cave and be angry and not talk to anyone. I cancelled my appointments with my therapist and didn’t want to come here. *sigh* I realize, that is really not the answer. And I still felt horrible. I received a wonderful package in the mail last night from a friend who I have not responded to in a while. It was a beautiful Oriental style blank journal with a braided binding and a book called, “The Healing Journey Through Grief: Your Journal for Reflection and Recovery” by Phil Rich. It has good reviews on Amazon, and my friend that sent it is working on her Ph.D. for psychology. The book seemed very good as I flipped through it. It mentioned things I was feeling and asks you to write the feelings down. Tonight I intend to start reading it and start my journaling. I titled my journal, “2005, The year of Firsts” It also made me feel so bad for not responding to several emails she has sent me and all the emails I have not responded to from other friends and the calls I have ignored.

Today, I am making an effort to respond to all the unanswered emails in my email box. Just a few words at least to let everyone know I appreciate their concern.

Laura, this spiritual church you mentioned sounds very interesting. What is also interesting is I got the chills really bad as I read your post about it. There was nothing chilling about what you wrote, but I had the chills as I read about it. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to look for something like this in my area.

Jlizzy, I am so thrilled you seem to be communicating with Bob. You mentioned buying new sweaters. I also have been dressing very conservative lately. I cut off all my nails and have been wearing blah clothes. I used to like to dress sexy for my Jeff. Low cut things, etc, and he loved it and always said how sexy I was. I have been frumpy lately. Like what reason do I have to be pretty anymore? How neat to feel he was looking at your new sweaters.

Neva, how impressive that you are taking class! Did you just start this? I have been considering taking a yoga class but I am afraid to commit to anything because I have such highs and lows. How wonderful you want to help others. I admire your strength. I am still so angry, I can’t imagine helping anyone right now, I just feel sorry for myself. selfish of me I guess.

[pandorra]

Neva, I have heard about that book Garden of Souls that you mentioned. I almost bought that one. I bought several books on the afterlife after Jeff passed and two of the books I bought was, “Destiny of Souls” and “Journey of Souls” by Michael Newton. He is a hypnotherapist who never believed in this sort of stuff before but accidentally stumbled on past lives and in-between lives. The people he hypnotizes gives him the info. It said what you said about the soul being capable of more love than ever when the physical form is discarded. Yes, the soul knows what is really in our hearts, so even if you had a fight before the loved one died, the soul is now able to know how much you truly loved them. It talks about soulmates and how you will be reunited with your soulmate again and even live another life with them in the future if you choose. It was a tiny glimmer of comfort to me to think that this physical tragedy was only just one scene in our eternal life together. You are bound to your soulmates and you are together in the afterlife and in many physical lives. Anyhow, just thought I would mention this book here in case anyone is interested. I am going to reread them again especially the parts that pertain to me. Like the woman who grieved over her lost love and wasted her whole life being depressed. After she died, she realized that was a mistake to waste her whole life. She was supposed to learn from it and move on and be strong until she was reunited with her loved ones in the afterlife. She will have to redo her life lessons as a soul or in another life since she wasted that particular life. It made me wonder. I don’t want to have to relearn or relive this pain, so maybe I had better not just wallow in self-pity. But I get so angry. What the hell am I supposed to learn from this horrible tragedy? It says we pick our lives and we chose hard lessons for ourselves that we think we need to work on or learn from. It’s only a short little play in the eternal life of the soul and soulmates. It’s like you said Neva, about picking our lives in advance for certain reasons.

I was in my chair last night going where I didnt need to go almost dozing, visualizing his physical form and thinking about how I used to love to rub the hair on his belly. It was so soft & I loved doing it even though he wasnt always fond of it. He said I was petting him like the dogs! LOL Well it hit me BAM he is GONE!! OH MY GOD! I was jerked clear out of my dozing reverie of fantasy. Neva

Yes. I do that exact thing. I start having good memories of him kissing my had or me caressing his face, and I even start to smile, then BAM. Its like a rock hits me when I realize, never again will that happen.

[lauraa]

Pandorra and Everyone,

The church to me is very special and sacred. It is over an hour drive for me but when I get the urge to go I feel drawn there. It is very quiet and peaceful. I feel it is sacred! I think because our loved ones are being summoned to come and see us....that's where the meditation comes in. it's really beautiful! It grounds me. I takes me away from all the maddness that goes on outside those church doors. The people are really nice. The second time I went I prayed to my husband to come and see me and the kids while we were at the church...we did get a reading while we were there and the medium did not know us from Adam and she said my energy pulled him there to us that day(she did not know that I prayed for him to come to us). My husband could not move from the neck down but everytime he came to me he was always standing behind me with his arms spread out around me or all of us if we were there together. I can't explain how healing that is, especially when these people do not know who we are and what we have been thru...and they tell us things they wouldn't have known about our lives....I strongly recommend finding a Spiritual church....I do think you need to be careful and really check it out...I just lucked out on this one. But, I found a medium on line and communicated with her first and she invited me to the church so it all worked out. I think alot of people worry that it is phoney or they are trying to take people away from their religion/church, etc....but that is not the case and they make it perfectly clear that isn't their purpose and they make it clear that their work is thru god and it is "SACRED". And, that is what I have come to believe. It has not changed my beliefs at all, nothing has changed only that now I know that our loved ones do "live on". Keep searching and reading and things will unfold when they are suppose to. Check out this site I just came across...www.fst.org...just keep reading. Remember, I had a personal private reading with a medium and she told me things she would not know about my husband or other things she told me about. It was remarkable...don't let others judge you as they have no idea what we are going thru if they haven't had a loss like we have....we are just trying to survive here....When I get really down (and I have been this week) I think and know my husband would not want me to be sad and depressed and that really helps pull me out of the dulldrums. But, I still cry...I knew I had to prepare for all the big anniversaries, etc. but what has really gotten to me is all the little things in between...that is what has caught me off guard...the little things! I miss him more and more with each passing day. I am just doing his grave marker and it has taken 9 months....it has been for me the hardest thing to finish up and it just seems so final....Keep you head up and try and stay in this day and breathe and take care of yourself......it's our time for that.....Love to all!

Laura

[computermemaw2]

Laura or anyone, how do I find where the nearest spiritualist church is to me? I live in SC. Gayle

[jenmulloy]

So this week was awful. I had my last day at work on Thursday and a doctors appointment on Friday. Well I ended up in the emergency room because of an irregular heartbeat and I have to keep going back for outpatient tests until they can pinpoint what is wrong with my heart. I told them about losing my husband then losing my job and heard that heart palpatations weren't uncommon with grieving, especially when it's such a hard loss. They weren't convinced that was just it so they did and EKG and it looks like there's a lack of oxygen going through the heart. I hate this. It's not bad enough that I lost my husband, but now this and he's not even here with me to help me through this. I pray that it's nothing to take me away from my son and I wish all this crap will just go away, but it all seems to be getting worse, not better. My step daughter keeps talking to this girl that Brad dated in high school and she's telling Regi all this stuff and my mother in law keeps letting her go with her and they seem to think it's fine and that I should just blow it off. Regi comes home saying how her Dad loved Gina so much and that it was so cute how he pursued her and acted so shy and all. What the hell, no wonder I'm having heart problems. When people should be supportive they're doing everything to be jerks and I can't deal with all this anymore, I just wish everyone would go away sometimes.

[hmtod73]

computermemaw2, hi there. i looked on the computer to find a spiritualist church near me. type www.ask.com then type in spiritualist church in sc. then look for one closest to you. i found the closest to me was an hour away. i will be going to check it out but i need to wait for better weather and for tax season to be over.......my husband is a cpa and this is his busy time. good luck in searching and i hope this helped. heather

[lauraa]

Jenmulley,

My heart has been irregular and palpitating since my husband died. I have not been to the doctor as I totally think it is anxiety. How could it not be...it started when he died. I am just trying to do my grieving the best I can, get plenty of rest, eat well, etc....I am not on any meds and that is the way I think I should handle it for now. I was sick for a couple weeks and cut the coffee in the a.m. and my heart stopped skipping...now I just have it in the a.m. and I drink green tea thru-out the rest of the day (like I did) and I think it's the tea that is causing the palpitations...Try not to worry but it is a good idea to get things checked out. I have an appt. in May...I know they would only give me drugs and that is not what I want...It's called emotional pain. I will handle that myself as they can not fix that for me...I hope you keep your chin up and try and figure out a way to manage your pain so that you can go on peacefully...that is what I am trying to do...and it sucks! If I didn't have my children I think I would have gone nuts. I see so much of my husband in them and I know he would want me to not be sad and to move on and be happy. I miss him more with each passing day and I truely don't know how I have managed to be with out him for 9 months, where before I couldn't go one day! Sometimes, the pain is so deep it takes my breathe away to think about it. Life goes on and that is the part that really sucks, here! No-one knows what to say or do so they do nothing and I don't want to be with anybody. My husband use to say it's "you and me against the world"....now it is "just me against the world"...that sucks! And I use to be the most optomistic person but now nothing matters...only my kids! I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone but the truth is that it will happen to everyone sooner or later....it was just our turn, and that sucks! ..................................Laura

[jenmulloy]

Lauraa,

It's a scary feeling, but a little of a relief to know that it's not just me. I went up there after my doctor told me that I had to or they'd call an ambulance to get me, but they wouldn't tell me why, so I went in there scared to death. I think the thing that surprised me the most was the way my husbands family reacted, the majority of them came up there. His family isn't really big on showing emotion and I didn't tell any of them except his mom because I needed Brady picked up from day care. I don't know, I have to do a stress test on Monday and then I'm going to go see my mom for a little while and hopefully things will get a little less crazy, maybe. I know none of this is easy and I really don't want to deal with all of this anymore, but life has to go on, if not for my sake, but my sons.

[jlizzy]

Laura, Sillygirl,Chris, Neva,Pandorra and Everyone,

I havent been on for a few days. I thought that the new year

would be a little easier for me, but it isnt. I keep seeing

me taking care of Bob and him in his hospital bed. I think the

roughest is yet to come because I am seeing all the things that

led to his passing last year. I have been talking to my counselor

a lot and my son and daughterin-law. But nothing helps me.

I have been talking to Bob a lot more than I had in the past

couple of months. I cant listen to the radio again.

All I know is that I have to get through this somehow, I have

to get myself to the point where I dont need pills for my

anxiety attacks; I have to get to the point where I can look

at the videos of Bob.

Every night I ask him to hug me and help me sleep through he

night. This works for me. I dont know if it is in my mind or

not but I sleep really well.

I have my religious beliefs, but I strongly believe that Bob

is right here next to me. Every so often I hear a song:

There is someone walking behind you, Turn around look at me.

this is when I know that Bob is right next to me. I can

feel his presence. There are other songs that have come to

me suddenly and I could feel his presence.

I need to get to a psychic and I am hoping to go to one

when the holistic fair comes to Allentown, I think it is in

March or May. I have to check out the fair site. But I will

be going when it comes. Hopefully not in May around the

10th because i have to go to NJ for my trial.

My counselor says that my depression seems to be getting a

little better. I expained to her that it is because I am

starting to feel a little better about my appearance and

that makes me look better. But I haven told her that I am

doing it because I have to go on.

Laura,

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. I know

that you are as strong as I am and I know that you will get

through this rotten grief period.

Neva,

Bob was one who always said,"If you cant say something about

someone in front of their face, then dont say it". Well, I

was at my sons store one day and another vendor and I were

talking. She was talking about someone we both knew and

all of a sudden one of the cars we had on a glass display

case turned and dropped onto a table next to the case.

There was nobody next to the case or car at all. After it

dropped onto the table, my son turned to us and said, "Dad

is upset that you are talking about someone behind their

back".

the signs are there for all of us, but we have to be willing

to look for them. All of our dreams have a meaning so

write them down and take a day to figure it out.

I appreciate the sites that all of you have posted. I will go

to the www.ask.com and see if there is a spirtual church near

me.

Got to go for now. You are all in my prayers. I know that

each and every one of you will make it through in time.

I tell people that it is my loss and I have to adjust to

a new life in my own time. Life will never be the same

for I lost my lover, my best friend, my confidant, the father

of my children, the grandfather of my grandchildren and

my everyday companion. Now all of my future plans will not

come true and I have to face life alone, for nobody can help

me get through this unless they have gone through or are

going through it. Nobody can ever replace my Bob, for he

was my life. Now my life has changed for the worst and I

have to find a way to make a new life for myself until it

is my time to join my beloved Bob.

Take your time, do your grieving because it is completely

normal for you.

Joyce

[hmtod73]

jlizzy. hi there. are you in allentown pa???? i'm near harrisburg pa. could you e-mail me personally and i can help you find a respectable psychic and i do have other info for you. thanks, heather heather_od2002@yahoo.com

[melyoung]

It was such an ordinary day....starting like so many others. My husband had been dealing with,(after a trip to the emergency room where the doctors told him he simply had acid reflux) almost constant pain. We had friends visiting in the area and he was to join them for a round of golf. He was so happy that morning and looked forward to being with his friends. He let me sleep in giving me a peck on my cheek and saying, "see ya later kiddo." After lazing in bed for awhile, I got up, got coffee and thought it would be a nice suprise to make up a few t-shirts for us all to wear to our towns Harvestfest that afternoon. Got on my computer and started to design some iron-ons when the phone rang. I still hear that ringing to this day. It was the golf course calling to tell me an ambulance was taking my husband to the hospital. They never revived him....they said he died the instant he collapsed on the golf course. That was August 18th, 2002. I have recieved letters from recipients of organs, skin, nerves and corneas people have recieved from him through donation. In my mind, through this, he lives on. In my heart, it doesn't seem to help. The anger still goes on. The lonliness, overwhelming. Sometimes I still expect him to walk through the back door. I wish I could have said goodbye.

[lauraa]

Dear Melyoung,

I am so sorry about your husband. I guess we never know when things will happen. My husband died almost 9 months ago but about l0 years ago he went golfing with all his buddies (they snuck out of work...my husband was the boss)and I didn't know they went and that afternoon I got a phone call that my husband was in the ER because he was knocked out when a ball hit him in the head after a drive by someone from another green teeing off. It was scarey....Does the grieving get easier with time? It is seeming to be getting harder for me, now. I really think I am going thru post-traumatic stress now. I think before I needed to tend to all the details that kept me busy and now I have more time and it is after the holidays so it is hitting me. I forced myself to get out today and just shop but I had alot of anxiety and fought the tears....What have you done to help with all your grieving...do you have kids, etc. Please know that you are in my prayers. I almost missed my husband saying goodbye to me as I took a shower and the minute I walked in the room he said goodbye and then "passed". I was shocked but grateful to have had that moment.....I'm sorry you didn't but always remember how much you loved each other...this is the hardest thing to get thru....I don't have all the answers but it does help to talk here...thanks for sharing...God bless..Laura

[cvaughan598]

Hello all, it has been a few days... I've been struggling hard because yesterday was 6 months. Super Sunday wasn't so super. I started my day by going out to the cemetary and journaling. I felt a little better after that because I was able to let Rikki know just how much I miss her and about Madison through my writing. I talked to her as much as I could and I prayed that God would let her communicate with me somehow. I feel her but I long to feel her and hear her, and touch her. I know that will never happen and can't happen again. But that doesn't stop my heart from desiring those things. I know she is with me because she made all the electronics in my house go haywire yesterday. I know she can see that Madison is growing up so fast but it still hurts because she should still be here with me.

Apparently in a blind attempt to make myself feel better at Toys R Us... spent WAY too much money on Madison and things for her. Toys, walker, educational things (I am a teacher, I couldn't resist) for her. I guess it was money that I just didn't want because I spent a lot. Money I decided I would have spent on her and Rikki anyway, but it did make me feel a little better at the time... Until I got home and realized that I didn't have anybody to show what I bought. That was always her thing... If she went shopping, she couldn't wait to get home and show it to me. I half expected someone to be there for me... Of course the house was cold and there wasn't anybody there because my mother had Madison. Reality hit again.

My brother came over to watch the Super Bowl with me. Rikki and I loved to watch the commercials... Usually the best part of the game anyway. She and I would have laughed until we cried at the MC Hammer commercials. I just cried, knowing that she would have thought they were funny. I used to be a big football fan... I still am but I can't watch or go to games like I used to. Same with NASCAR races, my dad asked if I wanted to keep my tickets to Martinsville and I just can't bring myself to go without her. The experience just isn't the same without walking around the stadium or track holding her hand. Watching her eyes light up when a driver she recognizes went by. She had just gotten into NASCAR because of my volunteer work with Raceway Ministries... So she got excited by meeting and seeing the drivers that she saw on TV. It just isn't right that we have to go through this. Not now. Not right when we were just beginning our lives together and just beginning our family. Things were just starting to go the right way for us and then... Poof... In a matter of an hour and fifteen minutes... When I called 911 to when they pronounced her at the hospital. My family was broken, my life shredded and left with a two week old infant.

Last night, my mother brought Madison back to me and she reached out for me to take her. She loves for me to hold her and just kiss on her... I couldn't help but start crying, I wouldn't expect her to do that to anyone else... But her mother should be here to experience her child wanting to be held by her. It hurt so bad. I couldn't put her down after that... I eventually had to because she was trying to go to sleep. But it hurt.

Can I just say I REALLY don't like February? I hear and see all these advertisements and they just don't help me feel any better about not having Rikki on Valentine's day... Go figure. All of my friends and co-workers are going out with there significant others... I guess I'll be at home as usual... I hate Valentine's and I hate February... It just isn't right.

I'm praying and thinking about you all.

Chris

[pandorra]

I had such a bad weekend. I basically spent the whole weekend crying. Such a relapse. It was almost like how I was when I first heard found out on Dec. 30.

Chris, I hate FEbruary also. I was going to go to the mall to return something, but I didn't after all because I don't want to see all the hearts and gifts and treats. All things I would have been excited abouat but now, I have nothing. Its NOT right. I am too damn young to be going through this.

Melyoung, the doctor told my Jeff that it was heartburn also. Then he dies of a heart attack at the age of 42. And I didn't get to say goodbye either cuz I was too grumpy and sick to answer his messages that night.

I hope everyone is having a bearable day.

[lauraa]

To Everyone,

I am having such a hard time right now...I really think I am experienceing post traumatic stress. Maybe, I had to concentrate so hard on getting thru the holidays and that was my focus for the kids...but now I just feel so overwhelmed with my grieving....I am angry and so pissed my husband was taken away from us at such a young age...How does one accept wrongdoings and get thru this....I miss him so much that it hurts. I don't want to do drugs but now I'm wondering if I should. My feeling on that is drugs only cover up the problem and I would sooner or later have to deal with all this that I am feeling....I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers today as I know you all know what I'm feeling and talking about. I do feel alone with all this but it really helps talking here...Thanks, Laura

[evanryan]

Laura,

One thing those of us who have lost loved ones know is that tomorrow is only a promise, not a guarantee. We might not have the time to deal with our grief at a later date. Maybe, hopefull, we will. Why suffer more than you have to? Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Drugs were invented to help people, and I for one wouldn't not take antibiotics because they would cover up a problem.

In my case, drugs (anti-depressants) helped me through a rough time for about a year, and after that year was up I was better able to deal with my grief. Time doesn't really heal, but it does help.

If you had a friend that was suffering and wanted to take drugs what would you say? Think about it.

Be well,

Mark

[lostanddisoriented]

Hey folks,

I have felt so lost these past months. It has been almost a year since I lost my husband, and I'm not sure that tiem heals all. I am still as lost and disoriented as I was the first day. I need to talk to someone, but who? can anyone give me suggestions?

[candystriper]

It has been over six months since I have last visited. It will be almost a year that I lost my dear Angel the end of March. I have been trying to keep myself busy with activities, my children, quilting, and anything else I can think of.

Laura, I had the same experience with overwhelmed grief. Back in the fall I tried to do things to keep my mind engaged so I would not dwell on the way my husband's last moments were, let alone what he looked like from the massive heart attack while showering. I did stupid stuff, (and still have a tendency to do so, just not so often) such as leaving the house for work and driving around the block to make sure I shut the garage door. Locking the front door but having to drive around the block, get out of my car, and check to make sure it was locked. Misplaced my money including checkbook and savings. I went to see my family physician, (remember I am the Nurse Practitioner who knows all about grief and the dying patient-yah right!) and he suggested an antidepressant. He explained it like this; "My neurons/synapses with the brain activity are not shooting off in the same direction, or same time as it once did due to the overwhelming feeling of greif, being alone, quilt, and stress of the furture. Having to take a chemical to help get all the threads back together and have the brain shoot off at all the right times is not a sin. You may have to take the medication for a few months, a year, or a few years, but you will get a grip on every day life situations with the help of an antidepressant". Now, I am a person who does not believe in taking medications, however, he made it sound like I truly needed some assistance to get through this rough time (I will tell you for four weeks in a row on Friday nights, before my appointment with the physician, I made over 10 jars of freezer jam (each night), including blackberry, strawberry, and peach. Now I am having to beg people to take it off my hands as my daughter and I will not go through all this jam). If this is not a sign....anyway, I started on welbutrin in October and have managed to make it this far. I have my bad days, but I no longer find myself in such a state of overwhelming grief. Yes, the situation does not go away, but the medication allows you to take one more day and live through it without having to cry at every corner. I do not make jam any more, I also do not check my doors or garage as often, and I believe the medication is helping by allowing me to put things behind myself and take one day at a time on my own time. Before I was trying to get through just one more day and wishing my own life away. Does this make sense?

I often wondered how you, Gayle and Joyce were doing. I wish you all safe healing, and I will pray every day for God to give us guts to make it through such a difficult period in our lives.

Dawn

To Everyone,

I am having such a hard time right now...I really think I am experienceing post traumatic stress. Maybe, I had to concentrate so hard on getting thru the holidays and that was my focus for the kids...but now I just feel so overwhelmed with my grieving....I am angry and so pissed my husband was taken away from us at such a young age...How does one accept wrongdoings and get thru this....I miss him so much that it hurts. I don\'t want to do drugs but now I\'m wondering if I should. My feeling on that is drugs only cover up the problem and I would sooner or later have to deal with all this that I am feeling....I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers today as I know you all know what I\'m feeling and talking about. I do feel alone with all this but it really helps talking here...Thanks, Laura

[jlizzy]

Hi Dawn and Everyone,

I saw my hospice grief counselor today. I was telling him

how I feel like I am going backwards. I feel as though

Bob just passed today and I feel like that everyday lately.

My life just seeems to be whirling around and isnt stopping.

I dont know what to do. He told me that I will feel this

way from time to time, it's the healing process. He

suggested that I read my journal from the day I started it.

So, I read it today and I realized that I am not as

depressed as I was 7 months ago when Bob passed. My letters

to him then were really upsetting and they made me cry.

My letters to him now are more uplifting and I am writing

about doing things with our grandchildren that he wanted

to do with them. Although I must say, that in a way, I am

waiting till the time that I join him -- but I am not

going to sit and do nothing until that day comes.

I spoke with someone Sunday who told me that he has a bad

heart and had to be brought back twice. He says that death

is just like going to sleep- everything is dark and black.

I explained to him what I saw when I watched Bob preparing

to leave me and it is far from black and dark. Bob talked

to people who left before him, relatives and friends and

he saw the beginning of the tunnel. About a week before

Bob passed, his pain was gone and he was peaceful as long

as I didnt remind him he was leaving me.

My experience with Bobs passing was so terribly hard on

me, because I hid my true feelings towards the end- I guess

because I was still fighting for his life till his last

breath and because I was trying to make it easier for him

because he had told me he was scared in April- two months

before. My counselor says that ones body has a way of

protecting it from such terrible hurt and I am wondering

why my body protected me then, but hasnt protected me

since. I am on anxiety and depression pills and I am

tired of taking them; so I have decided that I must

fight as hard as I can to get myself together. I dont

know how yet, but I will figure out something.

So, hang in there everyone. You are all strong enough

to make it through. Right now, I am helping a friend

whose husband is very sick and dying. She is a reck,

so I am trying to help her calm down and realize what

is happening.

This site and all of you are my real strength. We all

pull our strength from each other. I am so grateful

that I found all of you. Without ever meeting you, I

consider all of you friends for we all share the same

grief even though we are all grieving in our own way

and in our own time and we are all of different ages

and different circumstances.

Laura,

I know that you will be okay even if you dont think so.

You are stronger than you think.

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Dear Mark, Joyce, Dawn and Everyone else,

Boy, ask and you shall receive! Thank you all for responding to me so quickly. I think this is so difficult because we have been the ones always keeping everybody and everything together and now we find ourselves the ones in trouble and struggling to stay afloat. I won't lie...this is the biggest blow in my life to loose my husband. I never thought I would loose him like this and so early...It is so difficult to even think about having a life without him. Right now I feel very absorbed in my grief...it like denial, anger, disbelief all tied up into one. I wake up at night and just feel a wretching feeling in my stomach of total disbelief of how our lives have changed so and I feel so bad that my husband (the sweetest guy I've ever known)had to suffer so much. He is missed by all and there is a huge void. I do talk to him all the time...I just want him back and it can't happen and that is tough to accept. I just can't believe it! I know he is in a better place and not sick anymore and that does help. I just think this process of grieving is so difficult to get thru and it's a process that has to happen. I guess if I didn't feel this way then we should really worry. I will consider talking to my doctor about antidepressants. If it will help that's good and maybe it will just help to take the edge off??? Can anybody give me any advice on how I can get over my feelings that god could allow something so bad like this to happen???? I think that is really what I am struggling with. It's crazy that I have a difficult time praying but when I am able to pray is when I feel the best. It doesn't help me when I hear "everything happens for a reason". I don't buy that! I think we were all meant to be here to live healthy, long, happy lives.....I can't get it thru my thick head that he is gone.Thanks to everyone....Laura

[lauraa]

Dear Lost and Disoriented,

I am sorry for your loss. I think you need to keep writing here so we can all help each other. Sometimes, for me it's the only thing at the time that does help....mostly, because I think others who haven't been thru what we all have couldn't possibly begin to understand this pain. It is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to anyone....especially when we have all loved so deeply and with our whole hearts and souls. I also go for weekly counseling and she has been a true gift for me. She has lost two husbands so talking to someone that knows what they are doing is great but she has lived it first hand so I don't ever feel that I am talking to a wall...She has saved me! I really admire her as she is now married for the third time. She survived...and is an inspiration to me...I know her pain and she knows mine....but it is always therapeutic for me....Do you have a support system, family, etc...let us know so we can all talk to you and help...I know how you feel as it has been 9 months for me since I lost the "love of my life" and I can't believe that I have gone that long without him...I never thought it would be possible...what are our choices???? Keep writing and always know you are not alone...................................Laura

[jenmulloy]

Pandora and Mel

I was in the hospital last week for heart issues and the last thing they told me was to go and get prilosec otc because it was probably just heartburn I was dealing with and that my symptoms would go away within a few weeks. I also got a few other explanantions of what it "could" be, but nothing positive. Seeing that your husbands were dismissed with just heartburn bothers me because I really feel like these doctors don't care anymore and that they could do so much more than they do.

To everyone

I guess it's been a hard week for everyone. My step daughter came home because she was embarrassed that she started crying at school and I asked her why. She said that she shouldn't be crying at school anymore because her dad is gone. I told her that she learns to heal that way and that crying, wherever it is, helps her grieve like anyone else. I told her I can be in a store, at a movie, reading a book, or even looking at her and her brother and just break down because that hurt will never go away, it may ease and lessen,but just knowing that someone that important to you is gone and there isn't anything you can do about it is enough to make you want to stop moving forward yourself. I hate that people think there is specific time for healing and that's why she's feeling like she shouldn't cry anymore. Kids, and adults for that matter, who don't understand can be so hurtful and I hate that she's feeling bad for grieving, or not in her case.

[lostanddisoriented]

Lauraa,

I have no blood family where I live, which is in Texas. My blood family lives in Kansas and the Northeast. I am also struggling with a few other things. It will be a year this May 11 that James has been gone from my life and I am really just now starting to deal with it. Doing drugs is not the way to go either. Illegal or legal. I was using illegal drugs to cover up my feelings and it only adds to your problems. I am now dealing with my husband's death for the first time sober, while trying to recover from a drug addiction. This is not an easy task, but I have to deal with both or I might end up dead. I have a family through a 12 step program called NA and people that have been in recovery that stick with me no matter what I am going through. I just don't know how many of them would know what I am going through with my emotions from my husband's death. He had a atrial fibrillation, or A-Fib for short. He was also addicted to crack cocaine, which attributed to the heart attack he had. The after affect of the heart attack, like the kidneys shutting down and never re-starting, lack of oxygen to the brain etc. is what really killed him, not the heart attack itself. I just needed to let you know that drugs to help cope, like anti-depressants prescribed by the doctor are okay, as long as you take them as prescribed, but please don't do the drug thing (illegal or otherwise). You really don't want to take the chance of getting hooked on drugs (illegal or otherwise) with you taking care of three kids. Stay with your counselor and keep talking with her about things you will work through it step by step on the grief process.

Love,

lostanddisoriented

[lauraa]

Dear Lostanddisoriented,

Thank you for writing to me with your thoughts...I'm not sure if my post made sense but I was talking about antidepressants?? But, today I met with my therapist and she said there is a difference with grieving and depression. When you grieve we are going to go thru so many different feeling and stages and what I/we are going thru is normal in this process. I agree with her. But that is not to say that if someone needs alittle help to see them thru this grieving then that is what they should do. I just thought because the last 2 weeks have been particularly difficult for me that maybe I was depressed but I do agree with my therapist...I think we all have to keep a careful watch and I also talked alot today about not isolating myself from others to the point that it could cause me to get depressed which I think is probally what is happening right now. We all have to be careful of that and I think it is a fine line for us all. We don't want to be with people because it is so painful at times and we don't want to be alone, either! You are so smart to have your contacts to help you thru this. I understand that you are going thru a most difficult time fighting an addiction and dealing with your loss...I am sorry! I will keep you in my heart and in my prayers. Last night I laid in bed feeling sad and just thinking and praying for all my friends here. We all have sad stories. You are right that you do have to feel your feelings about your loss and you shouldn't mask them with any kind of drugs but know that you especially need good strong support from your friends. Always keep talking here because it is a great support and it does help to voice your thoughts and feelings and get constructive criticism. I also think that when we/you talk to peple we need to be honest with our feelings. An example would be...today my hair dresser said that would get on her nerves to go to a therapist and talk about the same things over and over, what do you talk about????? I said no-one would understand unless they lost the love of their life...lots of people would not be as affected if they lost their spouse but I was madly in love with mine....then she said I can't image...so just be honest and sincere and usually you get positive results and you feel better because you were honest about your feelings.....Please take care of yourself and keep us all posted on how you are doing....Remember, James is closer to you than your own heart...Laura