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I Miss Him So...


OldGeek

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Hello Everyone,

Today is the 8th month anniversary of my Husbands "passing on". Lately, I'm just numb and emotionless! It's the realization of the finality of it all and constantly wondering where my path will lead me...this wasn't in the plan that we had together. I miss him more with each passing day! The world should be made up of people like him...and then it would be a peaceful place! Everyone's path that he came across are more productive for this world and he definitely left his mark. I am at a place of deep lonliness...a void. I wonder how everyone around me would change if they had a loss like this? I wonder if then they would know how to be more supportive... do we have to live it to know it? I am deeply disappointed in even my closest friends that they don't call more or come see me...but life does go on for everyone...that is also a sad reality! I guess it makes me realize that it is all between "ME AND GOD"....trying to understand the why's and understand it all. I don't think I ever will. A good christian friend of mine promises me that I will find peace, again....I can't see how that could happen? The positive thing that keeps me going is that my husband is not suffering any longer and I guess if I have to accept this hell that I am going thru for that then so be it. I really don't know how I can ever find peace again...the only reason I am able to move forward is for my three children who I see my husband vividly in...but, I worry about how they are able and will continue to go on with this void in their lives. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger????? I really have lost my joy for life and the zest is gone...everything that others deem as important, I can clearly see that it's wasted energy. I am trying to stay focused the best I can and forge thru...my energy level as I once knew it is at a very low level so I am trying to take it slow and get the rest I need....I keep each and everyone of you in my daily thoughts and hope we will all gain strength with each passing day.....Peace to all....Laura

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Hi

Iwas in a good mood today and I was at a meeting and my friend decisided to tell something about Jerry and it floored me totally!this friend knew jerry well and I trusted that this sceret wouldn't be told be either one of us,so I thought and to here him say it mouth just dropped open with out any hinges on it,when i ask why he said jerry is died so who cares,he was being smart mouth and said he has told other people too so what.All i can do right now is cry for the mere fact there a somethings that you find out later like 2 yrs and you would really like to not have anyone know and when you find out they say"so what he or she is dead who cares" unbenounced people find things out and they turn and I know now why everyone acts as they do when I mention jerry they lost respect,people die with they want you to know and when the skeletons come out when they think you are over them it still hurts I want to just ring his neck but right now all I can do right now is cry.

Granny the 2 yrs is the lonelist and the harstest because you find out what people really think or thought and it hurts.............

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Hi

Iwas in a good mood today and I was at a meeting and my friend decisided to tell something about Jerry and it floored me totally!this friend knew jerry well and I trusted that this sceret wouldn't be told be either one of us,so I thought and to here him say it mouth just dropped open with out any hinges on it,when i ask why he said jerry is died so who cares,he was being smart mouth and said he has told other people too so what.All i can do right now is cry for the mere fact there a somethings that you find out later like 2 yrs and you would really like to not have anyone know and when you find out they say"so what he or she is dead who cares" unbenounced people find things out and they turn and I know now why everyone acts as they do when I mention jerry they lost respect,people die with they want you to know and when the skeletons come out when they think you are over them it still hurts I want to just ring his neck but right now all I can do right now is cry.

Granny the 2 yrs is the lonelist and the harstest because you find out what people really think or thought and it hurts.............

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Hello all... I must say, anger is the theme of the day. I have trouble walking throught the mall, Wal-Mart, or even the grocery store. The area where Rikki and I picked to build our house is full of young families... Like we were. So they are abundant and you just cannot avoid them. You can't help but see a 20 something set of new parents just like Rikki and I would have been together. I also cannot pray... I cannot go to church. I can't bring myself to go or to pray. The anger has just overtaken me. I get my pleasure from playing with my daughter but that also is a double edged sword because I see her mother in her everyday... Not to mention because she is only 5 months she has so many milestones yet to be reached that Rikki will not be here to see. I often see Madison laying in the floor staring at the ceiling and laughing and rolling around... I like to think to myself that Rikki is playing with her daughter from heaven. It at least comforts me a little. I don't think this is something that I will ever get over because of the situation as much as I want to. Reading that people who have been one and two years still struggle as I do doesn't lend to much hope. I just hope I am able to go on for the sake of my little girl. I am thankful that if I had to be without Rikki that I was left with her offspring because God could have taken her too... I like Jenmulloy wouldn't be here if not for my little girl. I wouldn't want to be. It took me several days to decide I wanted to be here for her. I dreamed that Rikki came to me and layed in bed with me and told me that I had to be strong and take care of Madison. From that point on I knew that is what Rikki would have wanted and that is what I have done. Doesn't mean I like the situation that God left me in, but for Madison I will continue... I think about you all daily. Having people who have been through this torment as support does at least make living day to day easier. Hope you are all doing well.

Chris

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I don't really have a lot today. I have people angry with me because I tell them I can't pray and I try, I do try. I guess I'm having a hard time thanking him for another day. I believe in God and I do believe he has a plan for all of us, but that doesn't mean I have to agree with the way things happen. I tell people I can't pray when they tell me to leave it to God and they look at me like I'm a horrible person. I know he's there and I know he's watching out for us, but I'm just not in a place right now where I can say I'm happy with my life right now. I'm not supposed to question God and prayer can heal all things are a few of the things I've heard, but right now nothing will heal the hurt in my heart right now. I don't understand and I do question what purpose he had for my husband. The one thing I do know is Brad isn't hurting anymore and sometimes it does console me, but then I look at Brady and wonder just how I'm going to do this alone. I'm scared and I'm angry and I'm hurt, and Sue I really thank you for your kindness and support. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so young and life moves on, but I want to slam the brakes and back up to where I was happy, when we were happy and together. Cvaughan, your troubles with going to stores is what I went through today. Where he bought our wedding bands, the salon we went to right before Brady was born and the store he always bought all my holiday gifts from, all in the mall. I have a hard time not thinking, the last time I was in there, Brad was here. I know I'll drive myself crazy for the rest of my life if I keep doing that, but I can't help it. Anytime anyone talks about him I cry. I said Daddy the other day showing him a picture and Brady just kept looking all around for him, it broke my heart. I've made it through another day and I guess that's progress.

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Chris, I don’t feel like I am doing well at all. I am so sorry for your loss. How terrible to not know why she passed. I wanted to blame the doctors also. My beloved died of a heart attack. I made him go to the doctor because he thought it was heartburn and they said, yup, heartburn and gave him some heartburn pills. Of course the heartburn pills didn’t help at all. A week later he died of a heart attack. Only 42 years old. I understand the anger also. I have been feeling quite angry the past couple of days. I have not prayed since his death 3 weeks ago.

I hate this roller coaster. Today will be the first day I have not cried in the morning. But I had stressful dreams the past two nights. I am feeling angry right now at everyone, including HIM for dying and leaving me at such a bad time. Sometimes I find myself just fading away and my eyebrows crinkle and I think that I can’t really believe he is gone. HE was big and strong and masculine and we were in the middle of so many plans for this year. Vacations, trips, moving in together. Its confusing to me.

Gayle, I know I hate that phrase also that God only gives us what we can handle. Bull. I cannot handle this. If that was true, why do people commit suicide or end up in the crazy house? I also have been reading up on afterlife books. I have to right now and two more on the way from Amazon. I am reading Hello from Heaven right now. I just finished How to survive the loss of your love. It was for a break up but if you ignore the break up poems, the steps it gives can be helpful.

Unless someone has gone through this, they just don’t understand. Even before my loss, I would feel bad for people, but I didn’t really understand. So I try to forgive those around me who have pulled away. Its not their fault. I don’t even answer their messages. I am such a downer, I feel like I will bring everyone down and they cant say anything to bring them back. My ex has told me to join a yoga class or painting class. He doesn’t understand I am not ready for that yet. But I know he is just trying to help. Then I think maybe I should join something, but I don’t feel like doing anything. Nothing has joy anymore. I never realized that everything I did, even when he wasn’t there, was really for him. Things I did without him I did with joy because I looked forward to telling him about it. I never realized. He was my best friend for years before we became intimate, so I have a huge whole in my life.

Jenmulloy, I know how it feels to not want to live. I have no desire to be here and the ache I feel that I have to live out my empty days alone without my best friend and lover just kill me. Its so tiring.

Haystack, my ex-husband and my mother keep telling me that Jeff would not want me to be miserable and lonely or to stop eating the way I have. I try to keep that in mind and sometimes it helps. Some moments, I actually think, he is gone. Move on. I think I can do it. Then im fading out of the present again into the confused dazed state that doesn’t really comprehend how he can be gone. Here one minute, gone the next. ???

My spiritual friend told me to talk to him. That he CAN hear me. But I don’t get an answer. What is the point. I used to talk to him to get advice, opinions, jokes, laughter. What is the point now if he doesn’t answer. So I stopped talking to jeff. Like I am mad at him for leaving me. I have no proof he can hear me. Great, he is off happy on the Other Side while I sit here miserably alone. And YES, seeing other couples kills me. I feel bad for that, but it does. Even watching my mom and dad together. I feel so jealous I was robbed of all of it. I am afraid to drive now for some reason. I dread going shopping cuz he would be there with me. I haven’t gone to Trader Joes cuz he would go with me or I would be calling him to ask what he needed. *sigh*

Bah. I feel for each and every one of you. Thank you to all who have gone this miserable path before me and have made this bitter trail just a tad less lonely..

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Pandorra wrote: "Nothing has joy anymore. I never realized that everything I did, even when he wasn’t there, was really for him. Things I did without him I did with joy because I looked forward to telling him about it."

That's it Pandorra. Same for me. I find it one of the hardest parts because now there is no one to tell, or share with. And here I thought I was such an independant person. Bob would look at me and listen to what I was saying. When I had a question or something to tell, he was really interested.

We talked about love sometimes and his definition of Love "was when another person's happiness was essential to your own". Isn't that so beautiful? Now that I remember that, it has me crying all over again. I have to stop now....

"LOVE...is when another person's happiness is essential to your own" - Bob
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Good Morning Pandora and all,

I know exactly what you are talking about. My Bob and I shared so

many things during our 33 years together. He has been gone almost

7 months now and it is so hard. I still cant go into church, but

I do pray every night for him and me. Nobody can answer your

"Whys" and nobody will understand what your are going throughj

unless they are going through it too or have been through it.

Hang in there, though. I know it is hard.

Suicide is not the answer for any of us; we have to go on

because our loved ones want us to.

I belive that our loved ones are with us all the time. I not

only talk to Bob, but I write him letters and I have made up

as special photo album with all of his pictures. I also light

a candle on my dresser (which has certain pictures of him and

our sons) every night.

I too have read a lot of books on grief and life after death

and they have helped me, I hope they help you.

Got to go to the doctors for my back, I will check posts later.

God Bless

Joyce

Pandorra wrote: "Nothing has joy anymore. I never realized that everything I did, even when he wasn’t there, was really for him. Things I did without him I did with joy because I looked forward to telling him about it."

That's it Pandorra. Same for me. I find it one of the hardest parts because now there is no one to tell, or share with. And here I thought I was such an independant person. Bob would look at me and listen to what I was saying. When I had a question or something to tell, he was really interested.

We talked about love sometimes and his definition of Love "was when another person's happiness was essential to your own". Isn't that so beautiful? Now that I remember that, it has me crying all over again. I have to stop now....

"LOVE...is when another person's happiness is essential to your own" - Bob
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Dear Pandorra,

This sucks! No-one should have to go thru this and no-0ne knows unless they have been thru it....keep talking to us as we all know what you are feeling. It's a numbness, a not wanting to believness, an aloneness, a test of tolerance, a test of faith, a test to find out the good and bad out there, a test to prioritize and a test of our strength, among so many other things. We are all here for you.....I hate it all just like you and I still don't want to believe this hell. My husband said so many times "I feel I am carrying a cross just like Jesus did". Now, I feel like I am carrying a cross?????? I don't have an answer to why really good people have to suffer like this...and I will never understand why, never. I also know I will never let my husband go as he will be with me forever...and I do believe we will be together again! I am trying to figure out how I can go on without my soulmate...it has been 8 months for me and I never thought I would be able to do that. It has been extremely painful every step of the way...right now I am trying to look at all the positive things in my life. We are all here for you so keep writing so we can help each other......

Joyce, I am glad to hear you and know you are o.k. You are on the right path...

I will be thinking of you all today and keep you close to my heart....Chris, I'm thinking of you and your little sweetie baby, Madison....kiss her a zillion times a day...

Have a slow, peaceful day.

Laura

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Haystack, I used to consider myself independent also. I would always tell my friends, “I am a whole person already. No man will complete me, only compliment me.” Even with my exhusband, I did everything for myself, was happy on my own, didn’t believe in soulmates or love at first sight etc. Then I met Jeff. Everything changed. Now he is gone, I think I he DID COMPLETE me. I was never a whole person before, but I had the bliss of ignorance. Now I ask, why did fate take away my blindfold? Make me realize soulmates exist. Just to take it all away from me? I have to stop myself when I get into all the whys, and should haves, etc. My book on how to recover said I need to just stop my thoughts right there when they start with why, and I should have, or I wish I had, etc. It helps but sometimes I can’t help it.

I didn’t write for a while. I sunk into a depression and thought there is no point to anything, but I come back and read the encouraging words, or words of despair that mirror my own thoughts and feelings and it does help to not feel so alone.

Last night was a bad night. It’s weird how when I think I am having a decent day, I have a worse night. I used to have dwarf hamsters. When the food bowl or running wheel was taken away, the little thing would just run to the spot where they once were and turn in circles so confused and lost. It would wander away only to run back a while later and turn in circles so confused, not comprehending. I used to laugh and think, “the poor little darling dumb thing.” Now I feel like that hamster. Like I keep running to where my life was once headed. Where my best friend, soulmate, and lover used to be. Where my plans were all set. I turn in circles so confused, not understanding only to walk away in a daze and run right back again a while later.

In the book I just finished, How to Recover from the Loss of a Love, I wanted to share a little something I read. It gives like 80 little steps and advice to recovery. I will start over again and try to take each step one day or week or month at a time. But one of them said to visualize. Visualize yourself happy again. Being able to live again with a new life. I do that sometimes. I am not going to say it’s the answer or cure. But this morning on the way to work, when I found myself fading away, it helped to ground me. IT was a step that was WAY in the end of the book, but it stuck with me. I sometimes am able to see myself like a vision. I am happy and smiling. I have managed to keep off the 10 pounds I lost from mourning. I am wearing cute navy all star tennis shoes and capri jeans and t shirt. I have a locket around my neck with Jeffs picture in it. It’s a sunny summer day and I am smiling and looking at stuff like at a swap meet. It does not seem possible, but I keep this vision, because I do think if I can dream of this and I really want it, then someday I can get there. I don’t know when, but one day. My Mum just told me last night to think of what Jeff would want for me. He wouldn’t want me to be miserable. So once a week I have thought of this future vision of myself and think how it would make Jeff so happy to see me happy and finding some joy in the life he left me to live out until its our time to be together again.

Tonight, I will probably be a crying mess and saying to hell with happy visions. It’s a roller coaster.

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For me it is hard because society expects men to be strong and independent. That we should be able to handle this better than I am apparently. I have been climbing out of a pit for almost 6 months now. Every time I get to where I think I might make progress, I fall back in... Its like God's cruel joke. Lets take the one thing that matters from his life and watch him deteriorate! Harking back to the middle school days... that was so funny... I forgot to laugh! I lived to make sure Rikki was happy. If she had something she wanted I got it, if she wanted to do something, we did it. She wanted a new car, she got it... She wanted to buy a house, she got it. If I didn't have it, I found a way to provide it. I lived for her for the past 8 years. Two of them married. We went through college together. Through Fraternity and Sorority functions and issues. Those were the most trying times of our relationship and our love carried through that just like everything else. God provided SO much for us. She was saved, we started going to church again, He provided financial security, jobs, houses, and reliable tranportation. I don't understand how He can "provide" all of that and then take the one thing that mattered in all of that away. I don't guess I'll ever understand that. She was my everything and now she is only in my thoughts and dreams. Like you Pandorra, she completed me... I was nothing until I met her. She gave my life purpose and gave me a reason for working as hard as we did to get where we did in our relationship and our lives. I hate going out in public now... My neighborhood is full of young families that are my age... All with young children, the exact reason we chose the neighborhood... They cannot relate to me, I'm now a single dad living in a neighborhood where I throw off the dynamics of the neighborhood. I am unaware of a single single parent home in the neighborhood other than mine. It is sickening to me. I can't go to Wal-Mart because undoubtedly there will be a young mother and her husband walking around shopping with their little one in tow. I can't go to the mall because of the same reason. I guess you could say I'm becoming somewhat of a recluse. My acquantances at school are all my age, but most have just been married and have no kids... So they are not at the point in their relationships to relate to me. The older teachers that have lost spouses are significantly older and don't relate to me because of my age and situation. I was told that I needed to get out and meet people... To make new friends. In my situation how can I? I teach and coach... then come home to spend time with my daughter. When am I supposed to meet anyone? Why do I need to meet anyone? They can't replace Rikki, they can't replace what we had as friends... She was my best friend. The one person I could talk to about anything... Then we fell in love and got married... I consider myself a thinker... I spend a lot of time pondering the whys and the hows but the only thing I can come up with is this is someone or something's idea of a cruel joke and we are butt of it. Maybe this is the lack of sleep talking as I have not been able to sleep in several days. Lord knows what has caused that? Oh, wait. This cruel joke that has been played on all of us.

I hope you are all having much, much better days than I!

Chris

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Chris and Everyone,

I know that society thinks that men should be brave and a lose like

yours should be handled. But men arent much different than women

in their feelings. It's almost 7 months since Bob passed and although

I am doing okay, I really miss him a lot. I completely understand

where you are coming from even though I am older.

I find comfort in my grandchildren and I hope that you will find

your comfort in your daughter. I know that your wife would want you to

go on, as hard as it is.

God has thrown a cruel joke on all of us who are here on this site; but

we can all handle it: day by day.

Bob made my life complete, he made me complete. The only thing he didnt

get to do was to help me rid myself of my claustrophobia. I talk to him

every day and night. As far as trying to see myself happy in the future,

I cant do that. I dont know if I will ever be truely happy again; But I

am older than you and since Bob went so early, I wonder now how much

time I have left. So, I have made up a special photo album of Bob and

I am working on one of my life and one of our life together. I dont

want my grandchildren to ever forget their PopPop, for hemeant so much

to them and they are so young.

I have had my share of dreams, I have had times when I felt Bob with me

and I know that we will be together someday.

But for all of you, the best thing that helps me is when someone lets

me talk about him and share the times we had together. Most of this

I share with my grandchildren when I can.

Valentines Day is approaching, another first without Bob. One of my

favorite days with him. It will be hard for me this year, watching

my friends share Valentines Day together. But I will get through it.

Music still hurts, for we listened to music a lot and we danced

a lot. Without a partner, I am lost.

Sometimes I wonder if I am grieving or if I am avoiding it. Almost

7 months and when I cry, I really cry and I lose it.

Bob made me a strong woman, a woman who can handle anything; but

I dont feel very strong without him. I guess that I have to work on

that.

Yes, sometimes I feel as though I am making progress and getting through

this miserable grief process. then there are times when I feel guilty

for feeling okay. then there are times when I feel like I am slipping

backwards. I guess this is all part of the process.

Hang in there. We will all be okay and get through this.

We will do together what we cant do alone.

God Bless

Joyce

For me it is hard because society expects men to be strong and independent. That we should be able to handle this better than I am apparently. I have been climbing out of a pit for almost 6 months now. Every time I get to where I think I might make progress, I fall back in... Its like God's cruel joke. Lets take the one thing that matters from his life and watch him deteriorate! Harking back to the middle school days... that was so funny... I forgot to laugh! I lived to make sure Rikki was happy. If she had something she wanted I got it, if she wanted to do something, we did it. She wanted a new car, she got it... She wanted to buy a house, she got it. If I didn't have it, I found a way to provide it. I lived for her for the past 8 years. Two of them married. We went through college together. Through Fraternity and Sorority functions and issues. Those were the most trying times of our relationship and our love carried through that just like everything else. God provided SO much for us. She was saved, we started going to church again, He provided financial security, jobs, houses, and reliable tranportation. I don't understand how He can "provide" all of that and then take the one thing that mattered in all of that away. I don't guess I'll ever understand that. She was my everything and now she is only in my thoughts and dreams. Like you Pandorra, she completed me... I was nothing until I met her. She gave my life purpose and gave me a reason for working as hard as we did to get where we did in our relationship and our lives. I hate going out in public now... My neighborhood is full of young families that are my age... All with young children, the exact reason we chose the neighborhood... They cannot relate to me, I'm now a single dad living in a neighborhood where I throw off the dynamics of the neighborhood. I am unaware of a single single parent home in the neighborhood other than mine. It is sickening to me. I can't go to Wal-Mart because undoubtedly there will be a young mother and her husband walking around shopping with their little one in tow. I can't go to the mall because of the same reason. I guess you could say I'm becoming somewhat of a recluse. My acquantances at school are all my age, but most have just been married and have no kids... So they are not at the point in their relationships to relate to me. The older teachers that have lost spouses are significantly older and don't relate to me because of my age and situation. I was told that I needed to get out and meet people... To make new friends. In my situation how can I? I teach and coach... then come home to spend time with my daughter. When am I supposed to meet anyone? Why do I need to meet anyone? They can't replace Rikki, they can't replace what we had as friends... She was my best friend. The one person I could talk to about anything... Then we fell in love and got married... I consider myself a thinker... I spend a lot of time pondering the whys and the hows but the only thing I can come up with is this is someone or something's idea of a cruel joke and we are butt of it. Maybe this is the lack of sleep talking as I have not been able to sleep in several days. Lord knows what has caused that? Oh, wait. This cruel joke that has been played on all of us.

I hope you are all having much, much better days than I!

Chris

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I don't understand that God would anything to do with this. It doesn't make sense. Speaking for myself, I know that I have some Letting Go to do and the main thing I have to let go of is the idea that life is fair. Life isn't fair and all of us are going to die too someday. Most of the people killed in Asia were children and that doesn't seem very fair at all either. We won't grieve that loss as deeply as our own of course. I can get very discouraged at life since in my own sadness I am much more aware of how much hardship is all around us. I want someday to be free of all they whys, and making some sense or twisted logic to why this happened or I will drive myself right up the wall.

I am so tired of being sad most of the time also but I know that this is a process that I have only so much influence over. Somebody talked about journaling and I plan on thinking about doing that. Try anything to vent and discharge the pentup sadness and conflict. I am starting to also feel nauseated and headachey every day, always queazy. Is anybody having physical symptoms too? I am feeling crabby tonight.

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I journal. Not near as much as I used to but I do. My journaling served a duel purpose. It was a release for me and gave me a way to talk to Rikki. I would go sit at the cemetary and just write page after page. Telling her about how Madison was doing and asking questions and just telling her how much I loved her and missed her. I know she heard me when I wrote because I would go home cry and actually get some sleep... Hasn\'t happened much in the last almost 6 months. The second purpose is for my daughter, Madison. She will never get to know her mother and this is one way that I can let her know how special her mother was, and how much her mother loved her. I guess in some way that helps me too... Knowing that she loved the both of us. I don\'t remember whether I mentioned it here or not, but I had a dream a couple of weeks ago... Rikki and I were dancing to \"our song,\" All-4-One\'s \"I Swear...\" We were dancing and I asked her, when am I going to see you again? She whispered in my ear, \"In a few years.\" I spent time thinking about and considering what this dream meant. I\'m thinking that my daughter is going to be like her... Which will be a curse and blessing for a father... I know how much trouble her mother caused and I also know how good looking she was... Which means I get to deal with guys like me! I have a few years, but without Rikki, I don\'t have much else to think about. I\'m also going to post the lyrics to this song because of the special meaning they have for me and may have for you...

“I Swear”

All 4 One

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky

and I swear like the shadow that\'s by your side

I see the questions in your eyes

I know what\'s weighing on your mind

You can be sure I know my part

Cause I stand beside you through the years

You\'ll only cry those happy tears

And though I make mistakes

I\'ll never break your heart

Chorus

And I swear by the moon

And the stars in the sky I\'ll be there

I swear like the shadow that\'s by your side I\'ll be there

For better or worse

Till death do us part

I\'ll love you with every beat of my heart

And I swear

I\'ll give you every thing I can

I\'ll build your dreams with these two hands

We\'ll hang some memories on the wall

And when (and when) just the two of us are there

You won\'t have to ask if I still care

Cause as the time turns the page

My love won\'t age at all

And I swear (I swear) by the moon

And the stars in the sky I\'ll be there (I\'ll be there)

I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that\'s by your side

I\'ll be there (I\'ll be there)

For better or worse

Till death do us part

I\'ll love you with every beat of my heart

And I swear

And I swear (I swear) by the moon

And the stars in the sky I\'ll be there (I\'ll be there)

I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that\'s by your side

I\'ll be there (I\'ll be there)

For better or worse (better or worse)

Till death do us part I\'ll love you

With every single beat of my heart

I swear I swear I swear

When I look at these I tear up, but read deeper into it. Our loved ones are a shadow by our sides... They look down on us and can help us build the dreams we have. No, they aren\'t the same... Lord knows I realize that, but we do move forward with our lives. I did something last night that I haven\'t done in a while... I went back to my bible and read the revelations about the new Jeruselum... The new earth that God will provide for his followers. It will be beautiful and our loved ones will be there waiting with no pain, no suffering, just as you remember them. Back to the song, as time turns the page, my love won\'t age at all. It helps me to remember that she will love me for always as I will her... Until we meet again. The one line that bothers me is the \"till death do us part.\" I have struggled with that line because I took it literally... But as my beliefs tell me, their is an afterlife and Rikki and ALL of our loved ones are there waiting on us, looking over us... There is only a physical death, their spirits are with the Almighty and when the time is right we will be together again. Just remember that our loved ones will ALWAYS be with us, in our hearts, minds, memories, and thoughts.

Yes, I am having a MUCH better day today. I decided last night that if I sat still life would pass me by. Rikki would not want that. Besides that, as all of you know children grow up SO fast and I don\'t want to miss my daughters life commiserating my own. I did something last night I haven\'t done in a long time. I prayed. I asked for forgiveness for doubting Him and let Him know that I didn\'t understand and that I was angry. I don't know if and when I will get over Him taking her away from me. I just have to trust in His master plan and know that he has a purpose. Doesn't mean I have to like it, just means I have to be patient and way for him to reveal it to me. He may not answer me now, but I woke up this morning with a sense of peace... In everything that I have read about dreams and the afterlife... Rikki must have come to me last night. I don\'t remember a dream, but she must have been there. I haven't slept much if any over the past week, I was able to sleep last night cuddled up to her pillows. She hadn't been to see me in a while and just waking up rested and at peace with myself made a huge difference in how my morning started and how I'm doing now.

I struggle with this roller coaster ride of emotions just like each of you (see my last two posts) and I am sure that will continue that way. I don\'t know any other way for it to go. I miss Rikki terribly and it leaves an absolute empty pit in my heart that will never be filled in. I will live and I will love my daughter, but I will NEVER forget the beauty, kindness, softness, and perfection of my wife, Rikki. She was, is, and forever will be my everything... I just have to be patient until I can see her again. Easier said than done I\'m sure, but I will survive if only for Madison... I will survive. I cannot let my grief ruin her childhood. Growing up without her mother is going to be hard enough... Growing up without her father would be a travesty. It is to a point now, where when I have days like today... I start looking for big drop... Nothing in particular seems to trigger it, but it happens either way. I can sometimes feel them coming if I'm not in a good mood or tired. The ups are harder to see coming and they are a lot slower getting up but they are there. Rikki and I loved Roller Coasters... We would sit in the front and hold hands going up and down the hills. Everyone here... We are that support... when we go down, you have our hands to hold onto and when you come up, we will still be there with you. This has been, is, and will be the toughest obstacle any of us will EVER face in our lives. I can imagine anything tougher than losing you "soulmate." WE are here, and we are playing the hand we are dealt... WE weren't given a choice in the matter so I we can do is live our lives with the memories and our love for our loved ones. They see how hard we grieve, they know how much we hurt. But they also know how much we loved, which in some extemely small way, makes me feel just a little bit better.

Peace, love, and patience be with you all.

IHT - In His Time

Chris

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Haystack,

I have had headaches in the past two months. I was told that they

are caused by stress and I usually get them at night when I am

going to bed. This is because I still havent adjusted to going to

bed without Bob.

You are right, Life isnt fair. Although I know that I will have

to let go, I dont see myself doing that. Whenever I have to face

a first without Bob, I either spend that day alone to work on

my albums or I make plans to go out and do something. Such as

I have already made plans for the 1 year anniversary of his

passing: I am going to take 7 of my grandchildren to a place

here in Jersey called Wild West City. Bob wanted to take them

last year, but he was so sick and then he passed away. So I

will take them on June 27th this year, I believe that he

would approve of me doing this instead of mourning over him.

Life is determined by God and the angels: if you read

some of the life after death books, you will read that

we all make our own destination here on earth. Although I will

never understand this, I do believe that Our destiny is

predetermined and we have a date to be born and a date to

pass on.

I pray every night that God takes care of Bob until I join

him. He was my soul mate and I want to spend eternity with

him.

As far as those who died in the Tsunami, I feel really bad

for their families. I do feel that it was Gods will and

that he is very mad at humans because this world has gotten

so much out of control. But then that is my reasoning and

as you know we are all going through a grieving process at

our own speed (there is no time limit and no rules to follow).

Think hard about that journal, it really helped me. I have

gone over the letters that I have written to Bob and I think

that soon it will be time to burn them. The indians say that

if you write your loved one a letter you should burn itso

thata they will receive it.

God Bless

I hope your journey gets a little easier for you.

Joyce

I don't understand that God would anything to do with this. It doesn't make sense. Speaking for myself, I know that I have some Letting Go to do and the main thing I have to let go of is the idea that life is fair. Life isn't fair and all of us are going to die too someday. Most of the people killed in Asia were children and that doesn't seem very fair at all either. We won't grieve that loss as deeply as our own of course. I can get very discouraged at life since in my own sadness I am much more aware of how much hardship is all around us. I want someday to be free of all they whys, and making some sense or twisted logic to why this happened or I will drive myself right up the wall.

I am so tired of being sad most of the time also but I know that this is a process that I have only so much influence over. Somebody talked about journaling and I plan on thinking about doing that. Try anything to vent and discharge the pentup sadness and conflict. I am starting to also feel nauseated and headachey every day, always queazy. Is anybody having physical symptoms too? I am feeling crabby tonight.

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Chris,

Bob and I liked many songs and there are so many that I cant listen

to but the one song that was his was,

"He's a Rebel", because he never did what others wanted him to

do, he had a saying,"If I have to do it, I wont", "I do things

because I want to". His song for me was, "She's A Lady".

Whenever we went dancing, he would request, "Twist" and

six months before he passed, he still could bend to the floor.

When he passed, I played his song and then the Twist and I

will never dance the twist again.

After he passed, I found a cassette tape of him singing,

"Love Me Tender" and a few other songs. But when I first

played the tape, it was Love Me Tender he was singing and

I felt a little bit better. I dont know why I went in the

box that I went into but I did. I have done a lot of things

in the past almost 7 months that I have no idea why I did

them.

I do hope that the day will come when I can really listen

to the oldies station again without turning it off because

of a song that brings back too many memories.

I too have kept a journal and I am finding that I am writing

less and less. Although I do write at least once a week

but I ask him all the time for advice and to help me and

to stay with me. Some nights I just feel that I need him

to hold me and I ask him to and those are the nights that

I get a real good sleep.

Your song brought back a few memories and I thank you for

writing it here.

God Bless

Joyce

I journal. Not near as much as I used to but I do. My journaling served a duel purpose. It was a release for me and gave me a way to talk to Rikki. I would go sit at the cemetary and just write page after page. Telling her about how Madison was doing and asking questions and just telling her how much I loved her and missed her. I know she heard me when I wrote because I would go home cry and actually get some sleep... Hasn't happened much in the last almost 6 months. The second purpose is for my daughter, Madison. She will never get to know her mother and this is one way that I can let her know how special her mother was, and how much her mother loved her. I guess in some way that helps me too... Knowing that she loved the both of us. I don't remember whether I mentioned it here or not, but I had a dream a couple of weeks ago... Rikki and I were dancing to "our song," All-4-One's "I Swear..." We were dancing and I asked her, when am I going to see you again? She whispered in my ear, "In a few years." I spent time thinking about and considering what this dream meant. I'm thinking that my daughter is going to be like her... Which will be a curse and blessing for a father... I know how much trouble her mother caused and I also know how good looking she was... Which means I get to deal with guys like me! I have a few years, but without Rikki, I don't have much else to think about. I'm also going to post the lyrics to this song because of the special meaning they have for me and may have for you...

“I Swear”

All 4 One

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky

and I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I see the questions in your eyes

I know what's weighing on your mind

You can be sure I know my part

Cause I stand beside you through the years

You'll only cry those happy tears

And though I make mistakes

I'll never break your heart

Chorus

And I swear by the moon

And the stars in the sky I'll be there

I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there

For better or worse

Till death do us part

I'll love you with every beat of my heart

And I swear

I'll give you every thing I can

I'll build your dreams with these two hands

We'll hang some memories on the wall

And when (and when) just the two of us are there

You won't have to ask if I still care

Cause as the time turns the page

My love won't age at all

And I swear (I swear) by the moon

And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)

I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side

I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse

Till death do us part

I'll love you with every beat of my heart

And I swear

And I swear (I swear) by the moon

And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)

I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side

I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse (better or worse)

Till death do us part I'll love you

With every single beat of my heart

I swear I swear I swear

When I look at these I tear up, but read deeper into it. Our loved ones are a shadow by our sides... They look down on us and can help us build the dreams we have. No, they aren't the same... Lord knows I realize that, but we do move forward with our lives. I did something last night that I haven't done in a while... I went back to my bible and read the revelations about the new Jeruselum... The new earth that God will provide for his followers. It will be beautiful and our loved ones will be there waiting with no pain, no suffering, just as you remember them. Back to the song, as time turns the page, my love won't age at all. It helps me to remember that she will love me for always as I will her... Until we meet again. The one line that bothers me is the "till death do us part." I have struggled with that line because I took it literally... But as my beliefs tell me, their is an afterlife and Rikki and ALL of our loved ones are there waiting on us, looking over us... There is only a physical death, their spirits are with the Almighty and when the time is right we will be together again. Just remember that our loved ones will ALWAYS be with us, in our hearts, minds, memories, and thoughts.

Yes, I am having a MUCH better day today. I decided last night that if I sat still life would pass me by. Rikki would not want that. Besides that, as all of you know children grow up SO fast and I don't want to miss my daughters life commiserating my own. I did something last night I haven't done in a long time. I prayed. I asked for forgiveness for doubting Him and let Him know that I didn't understand and that I was angry. I don't know if and when I will get over Him taking her away from me. I just have to trust in His master plan and know that he has a purpose. Doesn't mean I have to like it, just means I have to be patient and way for him to reveal it to me. He may not answer me now, but I woke up this morning with a sense of peace... In everything that I have read about dreams and the afterlife... Rikki must have come to me last night. I don't remember a dream, but she must have been there. I haven't slept much if any over the past week, I was able to sleep last night cuddled up to her pillows. She hadn't been to see me in a while and just waking up rested and at peace with myself made a huge difference in how my morning started and how I'm doing now.

I struggle with this roller coaster ride of emotions just like each of you (see my last two posts) and I am sure that will continue that way. I don't know any other way for it to go. I miss Rikki terribly and it leaves an absolute empty pit in my heart that will never be filled in. I will live and I will love my daughter, but I will NEVER forget the beauty, kindness, softness, and perfection of my wife, Rikki. She was, is, and forever will be my everything... I just have to be patient until I can see her again. Easier said than done I'm sure, but I will survive if only for Madison... I will survive. I cannot let my grief ruin her childhood. Growing up without her mother is going to be hard enough... Growing up without her father would be a travesty. It is to a point now, where when I have days like today... I start looking for big drop... Nothing in particular seems to trigger it, but it happens either way. I can sometimes feel them coming if I'm not in a good mood or tired. The ups are harder to see coming and they are a lot slower getting up but they are there. Rikki and I loved Roller Coasters... We would sit in the front and hold hands going up and down the hills. Everyone here... We are that support... when we go down, you have our hands to hold onto and when you come up, we will still be there with you. This has been, is, and will be the toughest obstacle any of us will EVER face in our lives. I can imagine anything tougher than losing you "soulmate." WE are here, and we are playing the hand we are dealt... WE weren't given a choice in the matter so I we can do is live our lives with the memories and our love for our loved ones. They see how hard we grieve, they know how much we hurt. But they also know how much we loved, which in some extemely small way, makes me feel just a little bit better.

Peace, love, and patience be with you all.

IHT - In His Time

Chris

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Haystack, yes, I have had physical symptoms. How long has it been for you? I have been less than a month. I feel queasy very often. I have a lot of tension in my jaw and realize I grind my teeth now. I seem to have a developed a fear of driving, and I am a bit paranoid now. My exhusband didn’t call one day and I called him in a panic thinking he was dead. My parents have been driving me to work (which makes me feel worse and helpless) and my father was 5 minutes late one day and I was sure he got in a car wreck and was dead. I haven’t been eating much lately so last night I thought, hell with it. Im gonna start watching tv and pigging out on bad things so I made myself a cheese quesadilla and got a box of chocolates that I had gotten for christmas and just ate. I got really sick and queasy and thought I was going to throw up. So back to no eating. And I also noticed feelings of crabbiness the past couple of days. I feel like snapping.

Jlizzy, I know you don’t want or even CANT see yourself happy in the future. I know how it hurts. Most of the time I am not able to visualize this because I backslide a lot. But I truly feel that if I can visualize this every now and then, pretty soon I will be able to do it more, and then maybe one day, a year from now, two years from now, whatever, it may come to be. Make a vision for yourself. I bet Bob would love to see you happy, even if its only in a dream you make.

I am really scared of Valentines day also. I found the card I had planned to give him. I bought it last year and it was so heart wrenchingly true, but I thought it was too soon to give it to him then and I knew that this Valentines day would be special and just perfect for it. IT breaks my heart that I waited and he now never will see the card that professed how I think I may have fallen in love with him from the first moment I laid eyes on him. Why did I wait? It’s the regrets that make it harder for me I think. And I feel cheated because he was taken from me right on the verge of all our plans and announcements to people.

Chris, I am sorry society makes it harder for you to grieve. Screw society and feel and grieve how you need to. Man or woman, to lose your soulmate or the one that makes you complete is a horror beyond belief. You mentioned your dream before and I’m glad you mentioned it again. I had meant to tell you that I thought you found a beautiful meaning to her telling you that you will see her in a few years. Instead of looking forward to death, you see your need to be there for Madison and found a more beautiful meaning that soon Madison will be like your beloved. I had a dream of my Jeff and in it I was telling him I miss him and need him and he said, “Your next. I will see you when I count to 37 (or 47). He started counting and I woke up before he finished. I keep thinking it means 37 days? 37 months? 37 years? Who knows. It may have been just a dream but that same night I felt a pressure and warmth on my ear and Jeff used to kiss my ear.

Yesterday on my way home from work was the most beautiful sunset. It made me ache because he loved sunsets and I would have been calling him to tell him or he would be calling me. Damn it I get so mad sometimes for being cheated. I envy all of you who at least had the chance to marry and share a home, etc. I feel so robbed that he was taking when we were right on the brink of fulfilling all of that. I want to SCREAM sometimes.

I am almost done with Hello from Heaven. Many things were comforting to me and I wanted to share some of them. If I have the strength tonight, I will share a few of the things I read.

Hugs and comfort to each and every one of you.

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Hello Everyone,

I think this winter weather is affecting all of us one way or another. I feel so many of the same things you all are feeling. I can't sleep without a sleep aide, my heart flutters, anxiety, etc. But all in all I think I'm doing a half way decent job this week. I decided that I really need to see my husband again and people report they have thru-out history so why can't it happen for me. The most difficult thing for me is I and my husband were always able to fix just about every problem and I have realized that is was one thing we couldn't and it was the most important thing in/our lives...is it any wonder my heart flutters....I wonder what magical med the doctors would put me on for that...can that pill take the pain away. I am so anti-doctors...they are excellent putting a name on something and excellent at writing persciptions but How many really know how to HEAL a body???? It is really sad what all I learned during my husband's demise....I did learn about Ann Wigmore, Bernard Jensen, Norman Walker and Sir Royal Rife....they were the true healers of our time. I really Don't have any answers to why we all have to suffer in life like this???? Is it to prepare us for the glory that we will see when it is our time to "pass on"...Do we have to live this torture and be in this hell in order to have that so that when we arrive we will then understand???????? I lost the love of my life and my soulmate...I sometimes just don't know how I will ever find joy again and gain the strength to go on without him, my soulmate! My energy level is so low. I get thru the day but I don't have the umph I once had and so many things just don't matter. Sometimes I just can't get anything done and I just go around in circles. Sometimes I still just can't believe he is gone...and when I look at my kids I know there is a huge hole in their heartS that he is gone...I bleed for them! Whenever I close my eyes I can see my husbands face and a silloette of my dad...a couple of nights ago my husbands face was more vivid and strong than usual...it didn't last long but I know he is trying to get to me. ANd I know my dad is trying to come thru also.I'm meditating and trying to work for that...I just know it is possible because My dad appeared to his sister shortly after he "passed" and she touched his hand and kissed it and they talked briefly. So call me crazy but that's what I looking for......PANDORRA, HAYSTACK, JOYCE,CHRIS, SILLYGIRL AND EVERYONE ELSE....PLEASE TAKE EXTRA CARE OF YOURSELVES AT THIS VERY EMOTIONAL AND DELICATE TIME. WHEN I GET REALLY DOWN I TALK TO MY HUSBAND AND ONE THING FOR SURE IS I KNOW HE WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE SAD...I'M POSITIVE ABOUT THAT AND I THINK HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THE BS THAT WE ARE SO I AM GLAD FOR THAT BECAUSE HE IS WITH JESUS, IN A WHITE BEAUTIFUL LIGHT.... AT PEACE, WAITING FOR ME AND ALL THE REST OF OUR FAMILY...OH MY!I AM JUST CARRYING THE CROSS FOR NOW...PEACE TO YOU ALL. REMEMBER GOD COMFORTS THOSE OF US WHO MOURN AND HE WILL NOT ABANDON US.

LAURA

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Hi and Hugs to all my friends, I have just sat here and read the posts from today and yesterday. I feel that we are all feeling the same way. Yes, Valentines Day will be another first for me too, last year Jerry was so sick but he wanted to do something special on Valentines Day cuz I think that he knew he was leaving soon. So our whole family went to Gatlinburg and stayed in a beautiful cabin. He was unable to barely walk and was sick the entire weekend but he didnt care, he was there with his family. Thirteen days later he went home to be with the Lord. I think that weekend was his "last hurrah" so to speak. So this year, on the one year anniversary of his death, we are all going back to Gatlinburg, staying in a cabin ( not the same one) and doing what he would have wanted us to do, CELEBRATE HIS LIFE, NOT MOURN HIS DEATH. He will look down from Heaven that weekend and will smile when he sees how we chose to celebrate that day. We too had a favorite song, his to me was " Waiting for a girl like you", mine to him was "Thank-You". We both loved "Stairway to Heaven" and that was the theme of his headstone. I'm sure one day we will all understand why our loved one had to be taken away from us but until then we just have to try and go on as they would want us to. You are all in my prayers and thoughts. I wish Gods' peace, comfort and strength for everyone here. Take care my friends, remember, we are not alone, we have each other. Sue

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So I work as an accounting administrator and am required to work from 8:30 with a thirty minute lunch and no breaks, which I think is against the law, and have to stay until all the cash for the day is done. Well, when Brad died I didn't have anybody else to pick Brady up, so I had to be out of there by no later than six and I told my boss and she said "we'll make it work". Well, my supervisors weren't happy and we ended up having a meeting the other day and they told me they'd give me two weeks to figure out what to do with Brady cause I couldn't leave "early" anymore. I put in at least 9 hours a day and he's my son, I shouldn't have to rely on anyone else to pick him up now that it's just me and him, nor will I. My boss told me there was a miscommunication between us and that I was causing discontent within the department. Ok, well, you don't mistake we'll make it work, she just didn't want to go against the other two idiots and let's take away their husbands and see how well they operate. My situation isn't going to change and I told them that and I think they were hoping they'd put me in a place where I'd quit and that's what I had to do. So I'm angry, but releived at the same time. When people ask me why I quit, I tell them exactly what they told me and the first thing everyone says is that they are stupid for letting me quit and nobody complained, they all understood and said they wouldn't know what they'd do without their spouses. I feel like everything is slowly slipping through my fingers, but I'm not going to stay at a job where I'm threatened because I have a son to take care of BY MYSELF.

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jenmulloy...I can relate exactally how you feel. After my husband died, I to was left with the responsibility of seeing to my girls. My boss was very understanding in the beginning and also said that whatever I had to do was fine with her but as time went on, she changed and the "compassion" was gone. I was under so much stress at home and at work that I was having health problems and just thinking that they were stress related. Who wouldnt? Well, it got so bad that I was physically sick all of the time. My boss got more demanding and less caring. So I decided that I had to take care of me cuz thats all my girls had now was me, so I turned in my notice. My boss didnt think that I would, even after she basically told me that if I wanted to keep my job, I would have to work harder. Hmmmm, work harder? So, when she saw that I was serious, the stress got worse at work. She would find little things to yell at me about and never once offered to help me, even though she kept telling me that I was behind. My last day was Nov. 30th. I took the whole month of Dec. off and I found out that I am hypoglycemic and that was causing all of the problems. Stress does not help this condition. I am now feeling GREAT and have a new job. I was a nurse for 27 years, but now I am a teacher with an afterschool daycare program. I love it. No stress. No one knows what it is like to be a single parent and to try and raise a family on your own. Unless they have walked in our shoes! You do what you think is best for you and your son. Pray about it before you do it and if it is what God intends for you to do then he will tell or show you just as he did me. Take care of yourself and your son. I will keep you in my prayers. Gods' strength to you. Sue

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I am new to this website. Unfortunately I too am trying to deal with the loss of my love & my life. I lost my husband suddenly in a horrible car accident while he was on his way to work Dec. 16th. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life or so called life & live. I was a stay at home wife, no children three dogs two cats. I am 39 yrs old. My husband Bill was only 36. His birthday is february 5th, he would have been just 37. I thought he was invincible. That he would always be there. I have more issues to deal with then some I suppose as we were fighting & that morning (out of all the mornings in 7ys) I did not hug & kiss & tell him that I loved him. I will NEVER have the chance again. Until I die I will always hear the final shut of the door when he left. I KNOW he KNEW How VERY MUCH I loved & needed him. But I lost my last chance to express it to his physical form. THAT hurts beyond belief. I will use this experience to help others as I get stronger. I feel so lost. I hate living here in our home without him. EVERYTHING is hard. I know you all know that feeling. I have no desire to do much. I am fortunate to live in a small community that understands & shares in my grief to some degree. But we were each others life. Sure we fought & fussed from time to time, but we always found our way back to each other. We dated only 3 weeks & then married. I dreamed of my husband my entire life and always I would wake up with a sadness & longing for him. I married him one week before my 32nd birthday. I knew I had found him because my heart told me so. I never dreamed of my mysterious soul mate again. He was RIGHT THERE! I believe in reincarnation so I know that although the dance may have ended for "Neva & Bill" we are far from being over. I just hate when it hits me that I will never hold him again, or look into his sweet face that always made me melt to the floor again. I get panic attacks sometimes & I have a hard time breathing. My mom has actually started carrying paper bags in her purse. I read that someone carries some of their husbands ashes in a locket, I too do that. I broke down at the jewelry counter when I bought it. Knowing what I bought it was for. I do believe that he is watching over me & that he is still around. My sister saw him here the day of his funeral (his shadow) she said he was walking down the hallway towards where I was at. Other things have happened as well. I know that I felt his touch on my cheek the other night, it was like a tiny electrical feeling that was quite comforting. He was noisy last sat & sunday night. The first 2 nights that I stayed here alone after the first night of his crossing to the light. I asked him to be more subtle as it was alittle unnerving! I Know that may sound strange but I am a believer more than ever in the afterlife. I have purchased over 20 books since this has happened & I have been reading like crazy. I am sorry this is so long. I appreciate the opportunity to be a part of your community. I really need the help of people who know what hell on earth can really be like.

Neva

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Dear Neva, I'm very sure that your husband knew how much you loved him and the fact that you dodn't have a chance to make=up before his untimely passing should not be felt as guilt for you. We have all had thoughts about something or another that we would have done different, if we had known that we would be losing the loves of our lives, but please don't beat yourself up over what was or was not said. Take comfort in knowing that you will be with him again, someday.

Take care.

Susan

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Sue, like you, I can't believe that people that were so "supportive" right after our loss, could turn into such jerks. People have no idea what we are going through, unless they have been in this position themselves. My Tom's birthday was 10 days ago, and instead of asking how I was doing, many people just avoided me. It would have been nice to have had some sort of mention, especially from our families...maybe they didn't want to upset me. On Feruary 10th, it will be a year since he passed. It seems like it was just yesterday, the tears are still fresh, but then again, it seems like an enternity since I held him in my arms. As you can see from the time of morning, I have times when I sleep and many times when I don't. I want to do more than just go through the motions in life, and I'm sure that all of our loved ones would want that for us. I still feel so cheated. Cheated out of a long life with the man that I love. We were only married for 11 years, much too soon for him to leave...

Take care and I pray that God will help us all through this period in our lives.

Susan

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Sillygirl, thank you so much for your response, I feel like it's just me falling apart and not doing my job, but I know in my heart that isn't true. I purposely checked the other day by asking my work friend how many pieces of cash she had processed throughout the day because I started in mid afternoon because I was assigned to another job that week. She said forty. Well, I checked mine shortly after and that's exactly what I had and in half the time. I really don't think Dayna thought I would just up and quit cause they know I need the job, but sometimes I feel like I'm having pains in my chest and it scares me. I get so stressed out and upset that I don't know how to deal with that and I refuse to have my son grow up without at least one of his parents. I also believe their compassion does leave, like we should only have a certain amount of time to grieve and that pain will never go away for me. I look forward to bed at night for that small hope that I'll at least be able to see him in my dreams, and this afternoon taking a nap, I did. I have a sick mom and I've been trying to find some kind of guide on whether to go back home and be with her and maybe this job problem is one of them. I also got stuck behind a car the other day with my moms state and my change the past few days has been her state quarters, two or three times, what are the odds of that? I don't know, I don't want to rush anything, but I've been asking for signs and maybe these are them?

Nev, I'm really sorry to hear your loss, but I can honestly tell you I relate. The night before Brad died I went to bed angry. I always told him I loved him when we were on the phone and before bed, but I didn't that night because I was so upset about our disagreement that I put Brady to bed and fell asleep on the couch with him and Brady in bed. The next thing I remember was him telling me to get into bed and those were the last words he spoke to me. I do know he loved me and I pray to God he knows I loved him too. I go to see him every week and try to talk but being in the cemetary just makes it all so real, especially when they just got his headstone placed. I hope you don't beat yourself up like I have, and easier said than done, but I know he knows you loved him and you were the first and last thing on his mind before he died.

Chris, you brought up songs and I cried because I immediately ran the words to our song through my head. It's your love, by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. My song to him was How Do I Live Without You, which is very ironic right now and his song to me was what he called me all the time, Angel by Aerosmith. I don't know why we had so many but I can't barely listen to anything anymore without finding something to relate it to. You are so right when you said you can translate the words into so many different meanings. They got his headstone placed and I saw it for the first time today. It just made everything so much more real and it was so hard reading it over and over. Brady is 19 months now and he's doing so many things. I know he can see him and I know he protects him, I just wish he was here so Brady can know what a wonderful father he was. I had pictures taken with him a week ago and it hurt to smile. All I kept thinking was there is someone missing and this isn't right. I've felt a little better. I see him pretty regularly in my dreams, yet I find myself in my dreams clinging on to him cause I know he won't be there when I wake up. Those few minutes of seeing him make all the difference sometimes, you know? I hope you and your daughter are doing okay and I'm sorry I've been pretty scarce lately, lots of drama flows in and out of my life these days, but I'm trying and end up keep pulling through as I hope you are.

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Neva, know we are all going through this and it is tough...

I am a high school special education teacher and I couldn't ask for a more caring and adapting staff and administration. I guess I'm REALLY lucky.

Yesterday was Madison's 6th month anniversary... Unfortunately, in two weeks it signals the same amount of time I have been without Rikki that makes it very tough. Madison is teething like crazy... drool everywhere, starting to try to sit up on her own and figuring out how to crawl. She is growing up so fast. I watch her and I'm so proud of her because she is my daughter... then I realize that Rikki isn't with me to see all the advancements and growth that Madison has made... That really hurts.

Jenmulloy, follow your heart. If your heart tells you to go somewhere else, then do it. You do what is best for you and Brady. Nobody else matters.

I'm thinking and praying for all of you... Praying, I haven't been able to do that in a while...

Chris

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I meant birthday... She was 6 months old yesterday... It will be the 6th month anniversary that I have been without Rikki on February 6th...

Chris

Neva, know we are all going through this and it is tough...

I am a high school special education teacher and I couldn't ask for a more caring and adapting staff and administration. I guess I'm REALLY lucky.

Yesterday was Madison's 6th month anniversary... Unfortunately, in two weeks it signals the same amount of time I have been without Rikki that makes it very tough. Madison is teething like crazy... drool everywhere, starting to try to sit up on her own and figuring out how to crawl. She is growing up so fast. I watch her and I'm so proud of her because she is my daughter... then I realize that Rikki isn't with me to see all the advancements and growth that Madison has made... That really hurts.

Jenmulloy, follow your heart. If your heart tells you to go somewhere else, then do it. You do what is best for you and Brady. Nobody else matters.

I'm thinking and praying for all of you... Praying, I haven't been able to do that in a while...

Chris

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Hi Everone,

This week has been really hard on me, it was the 21st of January last year

that Bob & I moved to PA for their cancer center. Our hopes were so high

that they would be able to help Bob. The memories of last year came rushing

back this weekend and I just cried on and off all weekend.

I have found a couple of sites that have items you can put ashes in and I

am sending out my paperwork for IIAM to donate my body to science like Bob

did. I will be re-doing my will soon so that part of my ashes and part of

Bobs ashes will be used to make something for our grandchildren. They have

all expressed their want for a locket like I wear. I told them they are

too young right now because when my day comes, I will have made arrangements

for something for them.

I have done a lot of thinking this past weekend. I watched my husband suffer

and I watched his seeing the tunnel for the first time; I watched him talk

to people and I watched all the other signs that he was leaving me. And what

did I do? I turned off my feelings to make it easier for him to leave. But

I know in my heart that he didnt need to hear me tell him how much I loved

him toward the end, because he knew from the 33 years we shared together.

It didnt make this any easier for me, I still feel as though I should have

held him more and told him how much I loved him. But that cant be done now.

There is no way to go back. He is out of pain and that is all that counts

for me. Thursday will be 7 months since Bob passed and I am not doing that

much better.

As far as the after life; there is definitely an afterlife. I have had my

share of dreams, my visions and objects moving. I am trying to meditate,

but this house is just too noisey. But I have to tell you, As mostof you

know, I am claustrophobic with the fear of being snowed in, When they

couldnt give us an amount of snow the other day, I started paniciing:

I prayed to God and I asked Bob to help calm me down. Saturday night,

I lit my candle as I always do and I got a phone call from one of our

close friends who called just to make sure I was okay. He said that he

and his wife got concerned because they couldnt find out how much snow

there was going to be in PA. He also told me that if I started feeling

anxious or have an anxiety attack, to call them. This was Bobs way of

letting me know that he left me with people who care and will do what

they can to help me.

I believe in the after live and I just need to be able to meditate so

I can open up and Bob will come to me.

Take care of yourselves, be open and let the grief period go whatever

path it has to take for you.

God Bless You All

joyce

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Nev,

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. Your right no-one knows unless they have been thru it themselves. I have also been reading alot about the after-life and I truely feel that's what has kept me going. Also, I got a reading from a medium and I also found a Spiritual church that I find so comforting and to be a sacred experience. I will keep you in my prayers and keep talking to us cause we all know..

CHRIS......I know this isn't an easy time for you but I know you are doing a great job with Madison, Rikki is right there with you...keep crying or whatever you need to do to get thru this and know we are all there for you.

JOYCE....You are also doing a great job and I am so proud of you. It is the hardest thing any of us will ever go thru. Our lovers were taken from us way to soon and it hurts so bad. I hate the thought of to much for to long with all the stress we all need to endure....please take care and be really good to yourself...you are always in my thoughts.

Laura

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Hi everyone

glad that you all are getting better,I know today is another day and it is alot better than a week ago this year (the 2nd) seemed to drag on.I realized alot after I had wrote that last one and I guess things are suppose to happen at the time they are suppose to happen,just eveyone this year has been talking about Jerry and I guess I should be farther along and it shouldn't bother me.

Alot has happened this year like 1.I moved and all jerry's bills are paid off and I guess I should forget and move on I don't want to be one of these people who are still living like it happened yesterday I do still miss our morning talkd and bed dreams but he did die almost 3yrs ago and I don't belong on this site becuse he has been gone for along time.robink

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robink, heather here. please don't feel like you don't belong here. if you feel comfortable here and it helps you then you should be here. plus, you need to be here to help the rest of us with our greiving. we are all in this together and we are here to help each other and give the support and understanding that others are not able to give( because they have not gone thru something like this.) don't go away that quick. heather

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Today was really hard. I feel so uncomfortable at work because everyone knows that I'm leaving now and everyone has their opinions. Oh, you must be getting a pretty good insurance policy, or oh, I thought you needed the job. I also got an e-mail from another co-worker telling me not to do anything dumb and to take it from an old pro that I can't afford to quit my job. Actually, no I really can't but, I don't have much of a choice. When you have your boss tell you that you have two weeks to figure something else out for your kid, who do you think comes first. It's bad enough he spends almost ten hours a day in day care. I don't know, it seems like everything just has to go wrong at the same time and I hate it. I cried all day today pretty much and I'm so frustrated right now. I hate it that everyone feels the need to always ask me what's wrong. Do you need a list? Oh well, I guess I just need to hope for the best and see what happens.

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Hello everyone. I have not been on for a few months. I am 27 lost my husband a little over a year ago in July 2003. He was killed when a semi hit 13 cars. My husband was alive asking for help but a fire spread to quickly. The corner told me that David had pulled his collarbone out of place. He would have walked away from the accident. I have two baby girls that mis there daddy so much. Everything seems to be snowballing for me. I too have had depression and stress. The same as you have all said. My turned into Lupus. So take care of yourselves. I am scared to death aout who would care for my girls. I have no family that I would want to. My moms dying with cancer. My motherlaw is almost over the edge. She wants to die. She is living with me now but the days get so hard. She has never touched the subject of losing her son.

She's wonderful for my girls but she is 57 and oh I don't know this is awful. I keep telling myself that I just have to keep going. I can control the Lupus with diet but I am in so much pain.

I know how you guys feel. I still don't like to go out in public. No mall no stores. I will drive to another state. I feel awful seeing couples. My heart misses my husband so much. I would live through this pain a thousand times just to have the five years I had with David again.

I like to think positive David is hear with us but why do I keep getting hit with more pain. The worse part of this is that I was trained to deal with grief. I had a career that was dealing with loss everyday. I used to help people mostly children. I can not even help myself.

take care of yourselves I know its hard butwhat other choice do you have.

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forblueskies,

You are not alone and I know how you feel. I woke up today and started feeling depressed right off. Life is not fair and that is the hard part to deal with. I don't think we will ever have the ansers to it all...we just have to reach down deep and find any (if any is left)strength to get us thru this. I don't think we will ever fully recover but I think we have to find a higher power or reason to get us there...Mine is believing in the "afterlife". Today I got up and felt totally overwhelmed with it all. I lost my husband 8 months ago and both my parents with that 6 months. I feel like I was batted down with a baseball bat...and things have been hell ever since and I just keep getting hit with more and more bills, etc. It was so extremely hard taking care of my dear sick husband but you it is much harder without him...I miss him more and more each day...I think our friends think we are all superwoman and we can just forge thru anything...don't they all know it is a total facade just to get thru a day, a grocery store, a school meeting, a mall, a kids ballgame...not to mention we can't go to church which is probally the one place we should be???? I think we could all co-write a bestselling book of this subject. Today I woke up and felt totally overwhelmed raising 3 teenagers and feeling how hard this is and how we prepared our entire lives to make everything work for our family...I would be the one to stay home and raise them...I'm raising them alright, alone! It's the hardest time and it is so, so lonely. And some people are really mean spirited, that is a fact we just have to deal with. Everyone will have to face their maker someday and report in for duty! Please take care of yourself and your little girls and if we are lucky enough someday we will be able to think of our husband like people say with only fond memories.

JENMULLOY....You do what you think is right for you and your child...all the people you work with don't have a clue to what you are dealing with. Quit your job...you wouldn't have done it if it did not feel right! You just reach out and get help as there are good people out there. Find yourself another job that works for you not them...go to your church and ask if there is anyone who babysits in your area..go to the people you know are real...then you go and get assistance from the government if need it until you get your feet on the ground...remember, there is a achild involved here and it is all about their welfare. You hang strong and don't give up...keep reading about the "afterlife" cause they are still with us...............................

Laura

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heather,

this is a great site for people who have recently lost loved ones and young people i am not young and i am trying to find my way in life i can relate to you all who all who are in you first year i'm in my 2nd and everything has changed and you can't go back you have to move forward and get back out there as i am told in about 5 years i will be 50,i don't date and i don't go out i have the same rotine every day same ole same ole i know it has been almost 3yrs heather your first who have commened on what i have wrote none of the other even read what they will have to go through in the 2nd year and all the changes of eiither did i .

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Thank you Laura for thr kind words. I am sorry for your loss of your husband and parents. I feel the same way, waking up and as soon as I open my eyes the pain sets in. I feel so very lonely as well. I have no friends that understand or even come around. My husbands best friend's wife won't let him come around. Yes there are mean spirited people. I don't want her husband I would just like for him to tell me stories about David. they were great friends for 17 years. My neighbor makes awful comments They just moved here and she found out I was a widow!!! I don,t even look their way. I can not understand this. I just want for this to have never happened but that wish will not come true. I miss David everyday.

I have done alot of research on the afterlife. I can tell you that when I was a little girl I had been fed elephant plant leaves by another kid. This poisioned me and I flatlined. I know this for a fact that I floated on the ceiling of the hospital. I was only five. that is all i remember. I knew I was up floating. So I had an out of body exp.

I can tell you some really good books. Dr Elizabeth Kubler Ross. The Wheel Of Life, anything by her really I found to be helpful. PMH Atwater, her books are intersting. I wrote to Dr Ross telling her my story and she actually responded. I was so happy she confirmed what I read. She was not out to make money, she was on her on death bed. She died this last summer. She has a web address. ElisabethKubler-Ross.com I usually pull it up from goggle. I went to hospice meetings they never mentioned her but she is who started hospice. I like VictorZammit.com as well. He also emailed me and told me with such a wonderful message that David was our guardian now. We would be reunited. I just have a long lonely road. Yes I have my girls but missing our loved ones that have gone just seems to stay. I know how hard this has been on my girls who are now 2 and 4. They are 11 months apart. It is like having twins. How are your children? It really hurts to see your children hurting. Our kids have had their security shaken. I know how hard it is to be a teen let alone with losing a parent early.

I am so sorry. We should write a book on all this...

People don't realize that this could be them actually it will be...death happens in every relationship. I am sure that this would not be easy ffor anyone at any age.

My name is Stacy I just filled out the form wrong when I got on this site

When you feel lonely know that you can email me cause i ther too

forblueskys@hotmail.com...my husband gave this address years ago.

Thanks so much

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Laura and Everyone,

I cant sleep tonight. I had a bad weekend, the snow and all.

Claustrophobia is a real nightmare without Bob. I saw my

hospice grief counselor today and he makes me feel so much

better. I told him how bad my weekend was and he said that

I will have ups and downs for a number of years. I really

didnt want to hear that, but it is better than believing that

I am slipping back.

I have so many things that I have to do that I havent done yet

and I cant seem to do because they finalize the fact that

Bob isnt here anymore. Because the only thing we had of any

value was 5 acres in Colorado, I didnt probate Bobs will

in NJ or PA. I called Colorado today to take his name off

of the 5 acres and they told me that I have to probate his

will out there. More money.

I just cant get Bob out of my mind enough to sleep tonight.

Usualy the new pills for my back put me to sleep, but they

arent doing it tonight.

I am so distraught for the past week and I dont know what

to do about it. I want to see a physic, but cant afford it

right now. I am reading all that I can on afterlife, meditating

and doing what I can to try to let Bob contact me; but nothing

is working. I havent had a dream in a couple of weeks and

no signs from Bob in a couple of months. I cant feel him with

me at all anymore.

One of the books I read said that your loved one on earth

is not your spirital partner for the afterlife. I stopped

reading for awhile after that. I love Bob so much and I

know how much he loved me and to think that we wouldnt be

spiritual mates for eternity is not what I needed to hear.

Any thoughts on that??

Laura,

dont be too proud of me because I think most of my

being okay is because I think I may be avoiding my grief

because at times it is just too hard to handle and I am

starting to lose it. I know I am getting more depressed

and I dont know what to do about it.

I have been thinking back to my 33 years with Bob and

all the good times we had, which out numbered the bad

ones; how we used to be able to pick each other up when

one of us was down and out; the trips we took; and most

of all the love we shared. We never had to say, "I love

you" we just knew it, although we said it a lot to each

other.

For some reason I cant feel that special click we had

even though he told me that we would always be on the

same wave length. Maybe I am just getting too depressed,

I dont know anymore. It seems the harder I try to face

the reality, the more I slip back. Am I going crazy?

I dont know anymore, I light my candles every day, to

the point where I am burning 3 volatives every day, and

I am trying to meditate in the house of noise; but

I dont feel as good as I did for a couple of months.

I think I will throw out the calenders and see if Bob

was right, we would be better off not knowing the date.

Well, I am going to go try to get some sleep. At least

I dont have any appointments tomorrow so I can sleep in

if I dont sleep tonight.

I really envy those of you who have jobs to go to.

I wish I could work.

The book sounds like a really good idea, whoever writes

it can have my story.

Until next time, hang in there everyone. We have to get

better sooner or later. If anyone is from the eastern

part of PA and knows of a spiritual church in the

Allentown area, please let me know. I am having trouble

finding one.

God Bless

Joyce

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joyce and everyone, i can not sleep either, i am sorry for your pain as well. joyce i do not know who you are reading but i do know that i try to remind myself that these people don't have all the answers. i just read dr elizabeth kubler ross and know that she would not make up her studies. our loved ones always know how we are. i have read things that have brought to the same point you are at. i try to look at the credibility of the author. ross was a md and psycologist, she had no interest in studying death it was just brought to her. she studied dying children from all over the world who had the same story to tell. people with the same afterlife expirence. she was remarkable.

i always got to victorzammit and read his book that he offers free onhis website. this man was on the supreme court in australia he wants no money he actually is giving away 1 million dollars to anyone who can prove otherwise no one has taken his challenge. the medication maybe causing you the block of dreaming. i have not had a dream for awhile but i know that it will happen.

you know that you and your husband are soul mates. you have to keep those thoughts. i am in the same place about not having a church i am just a state away from you in the bible belt area. this gets discouraging but some how we just keep going... medications don't work for me either. i took flexil, sonota, ambien, all kinds of antidepressants i just decided that my body needs to heal those meds were not working. i do take ativan for anxiety. that is the only thing that works right now. the medication will make you cynical. love is the most powerful thing in the universe. it is the only thing that keeps all together. you can email victorzammit he will enventually respond. like i said no one has all the answers but i put faith in those that are not asking for money he simply wants to pass along information that is helpful and hopeful. i hope you get some rest i am sorry for your loss as well it is painful and very hard.

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Hello Joyce and Blueskies,

I think the snow and being homebound does not help. I have been sick since Sat. and I have been very emotional because my husband is not here to take care of me and so I think it has felt overwhelming to me thinking about taking care of 3 teenagers alone....this week I had an overwhelming feeling that woke me many times out of a deep sleep that was I couldn't do this and that it waw all to much...but I can! This whole process is just so overwhelming. We just don't know what or how or when things will hit us. And, we all know we are a tough bunch. We had to be as we are all mothers! I will never understand why these things happen.

Thanks for the web sites and info...I will check them out today. Also, I know a medium that I am getting quite friendly with and I found a spiritual church so when I talk with her next I will see if she knows of a church in your area.

JOYCE......I know you are strong...we all are to survive this at all....I think we all have to go thru some denial to protect our psychic in order to be able to get thru...there is only so much we can handle at a time. It's probally like when someone is abused they block things out so they can cope...it's probally the same with grieving. Let's face it it was messy business seeing our loved ones failing and slipping away....we wanted to deny that, too. It was all just to painful and to much! I feel that my heart is heavy and it actually flutters. I take Ativan as needed and I am debating on an antidepressant but I am not one to do drugs, so????? Last night I woke up right when my husband was kissing me in a dream...damn! MAybe medication does interfere with dreams cause I take benadryl to sleep??? Someone said recently that our loved ones are closer to us than our own hearts...and I have to believe that. I actually try to visualize that and feel him deep within me. And everythime, I close my eyes I can see his face...he is always there. You guys have a great day and try little by little to pray as angry as we are ....because nothing makes me happier than to think he is right there next to god and free from it all.......Laura

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Alright Laura, I know we are struggling and things seem to spin around continuously... But I'm not a mom... Don't think I could be confused as that! That's okay, I love you just the same! I don't laugh much or even smile so figured we could al use a little comic relief.

I have spent the last day and half reading and looking at all these websites and I think I may try the whole EVP thing. I have all the things needed laying around the house and just the oportunity to know that Rikki is okay and happy is well worth the opportunity. I got to researching this through some of the other websites and this seems more realistic than some of the others. Not that the others aren't real, it just seems "easier" I guess. I still have my faith and I am going to use that and some meditation and relaxation type things. I have been lucky, I'm not on any meds right now... but it has been suggested. I just don't want to lose the opportunities I have to see Rikki in my dreams!

I am thinking about you all and praying for you. I am quickly approaching six months, Valentine's, and tomorrow is Madison's 6 month checkup so I'm sure I'll be a basketcase for the next few weeks, but I'm doing my best and will talk with you all again.

Chris

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Didn't take offense! I have always just considered myself one of the girls and that is why I always have gotten along with women and gotten along so well with Rikki... Maybe I am just a mom trapped in a guys body? ;~)

Chris

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Hello to all,

HEATHER, A spititual church is alittle different from what you are probally use to. After my husband died I held true to me belief of the eternal life but I felt I needed more at that time. I was overwhelmed to know that there is an "afterlife". I also was struggling with going to church and still have not been to my regular church since. What happened to me was I started investigating mediums (which by the way I had never heard of before this). I found one on the internet and it turned out she wasn't far from where I live...I emailed here and she invited me to the Spiritual Church that she is a member of....It was a very beautiful service. First they go over what it is and what they believe and make certain you understand it is sacred and in no way are they trying to pull anyone away from their religious beliefs, etc. There are mediums present and they have healing chairs if you choose with hands on healing (they don't heal but the energy thru god does), meditation (which is truely beautiful), songs, a lecture from one of the Reverends, and then random readings by the mediums. All churches are different I'm sure and you would just have to find the one that is right for you. When I go there I always feel drawn and I feel it is a "very sacred" place! I feel the energy and they help you summon your love ones. I have gotten a reading everytime I have gone. One time the medium told me that my energy drew my husband there and before I left home I prayed to him to come and see me at the church....(the medium didn't know that or me). It has really helped me. I also went to the medium I found on the internet for a reading and she told me things she wouldn't have known about me or my loved ones....it proves to me that they "live on". This has not changed any of my beliefs about what I believe but just reinforces it. It is very "sacred" and I feel god has given these people gifts and that is what they will tell you. It's really beautiful. It let's you know that our loved ones are always with us. Good luck and I hope this helps,

CHRIS.....How about Mr. Mom...Keep the faith and let me know how you make out with your meditations, etc. Kiss your Madison for me!

Everyone, try and have a good day and just stay in this day...not yesterday or tomorrow. When I get really down I think my husband woudd not want me to feel this bad and I think he is not sick anymore and is in the most "unbelievable" peaceful, beautiful place imaginable...that is what's helps me get thru a day and then I think, "til we meet again"...and we will...they have paved the way for us!

Love to All,

Laura

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Laura where is this church??? I would love go it. I am in West Va. I have been considering the Monroe Institiute in Va. They have a web site too. Or the HumanEnergy Project in Arizona. They are doing research like the movie Flatliners. They are stopping people's heart. I found out all this on Victors Web site.. All so EVP This past December, Italy had a very successful EVP study with great results. If anyone is having surgery ask for ether gas, it has high results in given you a NDE expirence. I read a study done on children who were reporting this after tonsills removed. (Atwater)

We have no mediums in my area. So I would like to contact one.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am doing art therapy with my girls so we'll see. It used to work for my clients or it helped some.

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Hi Laura, Chris, Forblueskies and everyone,

Today is 7 months since Bob passed, 9:30PM tonight to be exact.

I saw my physiciatric therapist this morning and I told her that

I feel as though I am slipping backwards. For this morning I felt

as though it was Bobs last day all over again. she told me that

if I was slipping back, I wouldnt be strong enough to handle all

that I am handling and that I would be letting my grief take over

my life. I am not doing that.

I stopped the pills that I have been taking for depression and

for fear, they werent helping me. Maybe my dreams will start

again, for i miss Bob so much.

I know that Bob is gone physically, I just cant stand this whole

grief process. Feeling okay with everything and all of a sudden

a song will come on or I will get a strange feeling that he is

sitting on the other side of the room and the crying starts

all over again.

Today I was driving home from the session with my therapist crying

and I found myself answering Bob; he told me to buy something

new for myself. I told him I couldnt afford it and he told me

that he wanted me to. So I went to Fashion Bug and bought 2

new sweaters. When I tried them on, it was as though I was

looking at them from Bobs eyes. This was so strange because

I have been dressing very conservatively and I bought a couple

of low cut tops, like he liked me to wear.

Anyway, I lit my candle when I got home and it is calming me

down. I dont know how I will be later on tonight, but I will

handle that when it comes.

Forblueskies,

I am going to check out the websites later. I need all the help

I can get.

For I always heard of the tunnel when a person dies, but I

actually experienced Bob seeing it, and talking to people

who had passed away.

The only regret that I have is that I didnt hold him enough,

let him know how much I loved him enough, kissed him enough;

but my mind had gone into a protective mode,(that's what my

hospice worker told me)and it has stayed there for some time.

He told me that each person handles death differently and that

to stay strong, my mind protected me against the loss. Now, I

have to face that loss and it is harder becuse I have regrets

from the last few weeks that Bob and I had together.

I just need to know thathe understood and knows how much I

still love him.

When I do see a physic, I hope they will be able to tell me

one of two things so I know they've contacted Bob: one is

how we met and the other is what we told each other when

we said I Love You.

Laura,

Knowing Bob is out of pain is some help to me, but my problem

is so much harder to face-- my regrets. This is where I need

a church, but not mine. I lost my faith in my church a long

time ago because they want a certain per centage of your

yearly gross pay to join the church.

If you do hear of a spiritual church in Allentown PA, then

please let me know.

Stay stong everyone, we all have a bumpy road to drive for

awhile.

God Bless

Joyce

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Jlizzy

I felt like everyday was July 14 for the longest time. I felt like the day, the pain, the shock, the waves of emotion were endless. Some how it has gotten a little easier. I did not have a concept of time. Take as long as you need on everyday every emotion. Slipping back is normal. I do it all the time. I have these anxiety attacks and relive that day and just ask whywhywhy???

Regrets I have lots to I wished I could take back alot of things. I know that my david loved me. He always made me feel silly when I said mean things.

You know your husband loves you. He knows you love him. You just have to believe that and know that. I try to this day to amke sure I go through the day with no regrets. i hate when I lash out at my girls. My husband would be disappointed.

You probably feel bad from stopping those medications as well. They really mess with you. I will not take anything like that. The ativan is bad enough but that just relaxes me. I know I will have to stop it soon.

i hope you have dreams and signs.

take care

stacy

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Thank you everyone for your repsonses. It is good to know that there are people who do know what we are going through. I live about an hour south of Columbus Ohio and we have SEVERAL Spiritualist churches (in columbus). I was amazed. I am definitely going to try to go as soon as possible. I take a class on hypnotherapy on sundays so I am going to have to check on the schedules as I will be in Cols. anyway. I have always been interested in hypnosis & I feel that this is a way to help others. I think it is really helping me. My teacher works on us for stress management etc. I feel so much better when I leave. That and the celexa. I am working through my grief as best as I can, I want to be able to move into the future and see the sunshine as soon as possible for many reasons 1. My husband hated to see me sad, and I am quite sure he sees the pain I go through without him. 2. I feel the need to help other people through this special kind of hell. 3. I want to honor the strength that my husband gave me and through that be happy again KNOWING that he is not really gone, only in another dimension. I have a book that I bought called \"Walking through the Garden of Souls\" By George Anderson & Andrew Barone. In it they say that the one thing the spirits of our loved ones want us to know is that they are CLOSER to us than they ever could have been in the physical. They are able to see through the facade of people and right to their hearts. I believe that. I do want validation through a medium that my sweet bill is really still here watching out for me & hopefully guiding me throughout the rest of my days. ALSO the pain that I feel now is unbearable & frankly I personally need to heal myself as quickly as possible or else I do believe it could kill me. I am working consciously daily to move through the first painful process. I KNOW that I will grieve for this man that meant the entire world to me, I grieve for years over the people that I love & this by far has been the biggest loss that has cut me to my very soul. But I am trying to honor the person that he has made me become. I am trying to look at this as much as possible in a spiritual sense and know that it was simply my husbands choice to go to the beautiful place where ALL of our loved ones are. I believe that our higher spirit the all knowing part of ourselves decides these things before we come here, that bill and I as our spiritual selves drew up our life plans together and this is what we felt was right. Sounds strange I know, but I feel that this is for our spiritual growth. We learn from these horrible earthly pains to grow & to help others on their path. If I dont heal myself as soon as I can then I am letting him down on many levels and not fulfilling MY END OF THE BARGAIN. If I do not take this tragedy and try to change other peoples lives for the better than it was all for nothing. I am going to work on making changes on the road where my husband died as well. My father is on a mission as well. Just this week a logging truck wrecked not 200 ft from where my husband went to the light. If another car had been traveling the way my husband was god only knows what would have happened. I know that we all have to go through this process the best way we can. DO any of you have any insights on what I have said? (sorry it was so long) AM I KIDDING MYSELF? Can I work hard to feel better and then in the process succeed? I just cant take this pain for a very long time. I DO Believe that the hypnosis is doing ALOT to help me. Thanks so very much for being there everyone. Bless you all & I wish for peace in your hearts.

Neva

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Nev,

I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain.

I wish I could find a spiritual church. I am desperately searching.

in my area for one. I hear they are really a great help for those

who are grieving like all of us.

I am going to get a copy of that book you mentioned as well as

checking out some other sites.

I do need a reading from a physic, I just cant afford it right now.

two days after Bob passed, his holistic healer came to the house,

nobody told her he passed. We were talking when all of a sudden

she said, "Bob is right over your shoulder laughing". For awhile

i couldnt understand why he was laughing, I thought he should

be as unhappy as I was; then I realized that he was laughing

because he got through to me by way of her. He said he would

let me know he was okay and he did.

I have been reading a lot of different books on life after death

and I have always believed that there is a life after death,

I just didnt know what it would be like. The books have helped

me, but I need more.

I am not as strong as Bob would like me to be, but I am not

letting my grief control me either. Bob was much stronger than

I am and he proved it through his suffering. I have never seen

anybody take the kind of pain he did.He was a happy person who

cared about everyone else before himself.

You sound like you are very strong and have a plan. I still have

to make a plan.

Take care

God Bless

Joyce

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Hi Stacy,

Last night was hard, but i made it through. I dont know how. I just kept

thinking about Bob and crying, but this morning I feel better. I guess it

is just those anniversaries and thinking about how long its been. Although

7 months went very fast. When I think back about the things we did

together, it seems like just a few days ago.

I have my memories and I believe that Bob is still with me, I just cant

see him anymore.

I am trying to forgive myself where my regrets are concerned. Someone

told me Crystal, but I am not sure how it works. Do you know? They say

it has a calming affect. I have to read up on that. I am reading a lot

nowadays, trying to adjust to my new life. It sure is lonely without Bob.

But they say that we determined our life before we came here. If I did,

I should have done a better job of it. For Bob was the best thing that

ever happened to me and now he's gone. But I do have my sons and my

grandchildren and they are a source of real joy for me.

There are a lot of things I am trying to get settled and because I have

no control to get them settled, I am very depressed. It will all work

out.

I too hope my dreams come back.

God Bless

Joyce

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