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Lost Pets, Belongings, and House to a House Fire


Kiki's mom

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2013 has not been my year. It started going badly in late Spring, when I started experiencing some serious conflict with my partner of 12 years. The reasons are extremely complicated, but the end result was that she stopped spending time on our relationship and gave her energy elsewhere, so we were essentially living in the same house, but not interacting or being loving. Around the same time, my grandfather, who was 94, began a slow decline into death. We were extremely close (I was basically his caretaker for a year), and it was very hard to see a man who was so able-bodied decline the way he did. He died on July 18th, and although it was as peaceful as could be, it felt like I had lost the only person who ever loved me just as I was, with no conditions. Unfortunately, due to the ongoing issues with my partner, I wasn't really able to get the support I needed in grieving, and was again left to process fairly alone.

Add onto that some physical health issues (a severe knee sprain/muscle tear that required I use a cane or walker for 2 months, and a 5 year old spinal injury that flared up dramatically), a history of depressive episodes and anxiety (which flared again shortly after the marital problems started), a high stress job, and a 17 month old baby boy, and you can imagine that I already wasn't in a good place.

Then, on Sept 18, the universe decided to give me way more than I could handle. I was away on business, and received a call from a veterinary hospital in my town. He told me that there had been a fire at my house, that he had found my phone number via my dog's microchip, and that my cat, Pepper, who I'd had ever since I got my first apartment, had died of smoke inhalation. My dog, Ellie, was in critical condition, but they were trying to give her fluids and pain medication. I immediately cancelled the rest of my trip and got in a car to drive to the airport. I called and checked in with the vet several times, and Ellie's condition was improving. They said she was up and walking around, and doing much better than when she was brought in. I called right before my LA to Sacramento flight took off, and he told me her condition was "fair to good". By the time I landed, she had died, from a combination of smoke inhalation damage and burns. Compounding the grief for my beloved animals, our local newspaper made the decision to publish photos of them in their last moments, when they were burned and being treated by firefighters. Despite our requests, they refused to take them down. I will never get that image out of my head.

As for the fire, it gutted our house and destroyed 95% of our belongings. The things we could salvage were mostly in the garage, so i have plenty of tools, but no housewares, kitchen things, clothing, etc. That evening, I took a shower (we were staying with friends) and had to borrow clothes to wear to bed. The fire started outside while neither of us were home, and the cause is still "undetermined after investigation". We will never know what caused it, only that something sparked, hit our eaves, ignited the attic, then hit a gas line and blew dramatically. It will likely be a year or more before we are back in it. We are currently in a rental house, with rental furniture, and while it's fine, it just doesn't feel like home.

My current problem is that I need support. My wife is also going through the same grieving process, and she still is focusing a lot of her energy elsewhere, so she has essentially notified me that she can't support me, hold me while I cry, etc. She believes, at a very deep level, that the amount of grief I'm experiencing or the way I am grieving (I probably average 45 min to an hour of crying a day, while being totally functional, working full time, helping take care of a 17 month old etc), is wrong and excessive. I do have a pair of very close friends, but their reaction seems to be much the same..."I can't deal with you crying, come back when you're not upset anymore and we can hang out". This, of course, compounds the sadness, because now I'm not just grieving, I'm lonely. It feels like all of the foundations on which I built my life have disappeared all at once...the security of my marriage, my grandfather, my home, and my wonderful animal family members, who would always listen to me cry if no one else was willing.

Does anyone have any outside sources of support that they use? I am feeling extremely alone, and I'd love to make friends here to talk through this with...it's hard not to have anyone I can talk to that will take the time to listen.

Thank you for reading (this was a novel) and I look forward to meeting you soon.

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Mandalinn - Oh my gosh, I am sitting her just so incredibly sad right now!! You certainly have been through a lot in a short period of time.

I don't think I could handle it if my dogs died in a house fire. For the paper to put their pictures up is heartless. I am so incredibly sorry about all your losses.

You definitely need to get to a therapist as quickly as you can. So many different issues compounded one on another is not good, physically or emotionally. You need to get some of this hurt out. There are a lot of support groups for grief but I really think that because of all your different problems you really need more of a one on one approach with a trained professional. I personally would go to a psychologist.

There are a lot of folks here who will be more than happy to be friends. Just keep posting. I lost my husband the beginning of the year and I don't now what I would have done without this group. Wishing the best for you and comfort for your hurting heart.

Judy

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Mandalinn, I am so very sorry about the loss of your grandfather and your fur family. Some people do not understand grieving, so perhaps some grieving literature or counseling may help you through this rough time. Is it possible to take a trip to the bookstore and browse through some self help literature or some books on grieving? Also, sometimes they have self help groups that are great for support and friendship. Look in the local paper under community listings, and you may be able to find your local self help groups. Being forced out of your home without your belongings is certainly adding to your struggles, but hopefully that will be shorter than what they are telling you. We will be here for you--ModKonnie

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Hi Mandalinn , Wow 2013 What a crummy year huh... I can totally relate , This has been one of the worst years of my life as well. I just want you to know first of all I am so very sorry for your many losses , 2nd to let you know you are not alone and 3rd you have a place to come when you are feeling down . Some people may not understand the massive hole we can feel in our hearts when something so tragic happens in our lives . We are not all the same people and therefore will not all grieve or handle things the same ect. The thing is try not to get down on yourself or limit your grieving because they don't understand it ... find some people who do understand and counter balance it . I personally will be so happy when 2013 is over and done with forever ! And I have to tell you that even though it was looking so bleak in the beginning and middle I am finally starting to see a glimmer of light at the end thanks to the support of people who do get me.

Mandalinn, You did great just by seeking out some help and support ... in may not feel like it now but you actually started your healing process. I get through by just taking one day at a time ... and feeling the feelings how ever they come... and reaching out to good people for support when i need it ; )

Our pets are our family ,my heart goes out to you for your loss here on earth but i do believe your precious furbabies are happy n watching over you just as my KiKi is me .

Take care of yourself , KiKi's mom

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