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I am in so much pain -- Lost my 27 year old daughter last Sunday


Step_mama

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My beautiful daughter Amy died suddenly last Sunday. Her birthday is Monday. How will I survive this? I go through moments where I think I can and then I am hit with this gigantic pain that is all consuming. I have looked everywhere for some hope that some day I would be able function again but find no hope anywhere. I have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful older children who are grieving and worrying about me. Amy was still living at home and such a fabric of my day that I don't know how I will survive. Yet in my peaceful moments, I know I have to because my children and husband need me. I am the one that helps others and not used to asking for help but I need it now. I can't ask why because there are no answers. This was a posting I put on facebook after her funeral -- I had an element of peace at that time, but once it gets dark, I become afraid of the pain, restlessness and reality. Mornings are rough too. I am so afraid ... I know Amy is in a better place and some moments that consoles me, but tonight, I am so distraught that I don't know what to do. My husband has been wonderful and is snoring on the chair and one of us needs to get some rest so I am turning to this website in the hopes that someone can give me advise and an element of hope... Desperately seeking help, Dee

Yesterday was my beautiful daughter's funeral. How does a mother and her family bury their 27 year old daughter? It's unnatural and your heart screams out in rebellion and acceptance is not possible. Even for someone like me that was 100% certain there is a heaven, suddenly I had my doubts because this time the stakes are high and how can I ever get a moment's peace again if I don't know where my Amy is. All I have done this week was look for affirmation of this better place from just about everyone I talked to; and yet while many were certain, for once in my life, I still had my doubts. I have cried from places in my heart and soul that I didn't even know were there. The depth of the pain has been unmanageable and I questioned whether my Amy, who was so very dependent on me, could be in Heaven without me there holding her hand. All week I found myself putting my hand over my heart and continually searching for signs that Amy was indeed in a better place. Father Mike said talk to Amy, pray to Amy -- yet I didn't know how to do that? Everyone kept reassuring me that she would send me a sign... as I approached Wednesday night -- the night of her viewing -- I had a few signs but they were so vague that they offered no peace at all. It was almost like I was so desperate that any sound or moment became "the sign". Then I arrived at the viewing, and people came and came, with love, support and beautiful words for Amy and my family. Every time I looked up, almost two hours later, there was that unending line ... The outpouring of support gave me peace, but I still didn't get my SIGN from Amy until the funeral when I once again found myself placing my hand over my heart and heard her tell me: this is where I am, Mom -- in your heart -- just put your hand over your heart and then put your other hand over your own and you will feel my touch again. Because I held her hand so, so many times, the thought of never touching her again made me ache. What a beautiful way to feel her now -- through my own hand that held hers for so many years. That was the start of a semblance of peace that I could finally believe in Heaven again. But of course, Amy never was one to do things in a small way, and the signs continued. At the cemetery, right as the service was concluding, two hummingbirds flew over her grave and just kind of danced there before flying away. I looked over at a very kind man who knew I needed this sign and he winked at me and smiled and we both knew I finally got a big sign! Everyone would have their own interpretation of these happy hummingbirds (which incidentally I tried time and time to draw them into my yard to no avail) but no nector was as sweet as my Amy. My sister said she thought the hummingbirds were Amy's grandmom and grandfather coming to take her to Heaven while her physical body rested in the grave below. Then I got home and my friend sent me a text that she had asked Amy to send us a rainbow and she sent a double one!!! and felt reassured that Amy is ok!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Amy, you always did do things in a big way!!!! Finally, I took a walk with my Krista and husband last night because I needed to get outside and on our walk we decided to check out a mini-market by Krista's new house. When we opened the door, we heard Carrie Underwood's song I Will See You Again playing inside the store. The same song that Amy told me about which comforted her when her beloved grandmom died a few months ago and the same song that played at her viewing and is now comforting me. Krista and I just walked around the store -- no money in our pockets -- listening to the song and I cried again as Amy reminded me that she will see us again and this is not the end. I am blessed to have had 27 + years with my daughter and to have my husband and my wonderful children Nicholas & Krista and the love and support of amazing family and friends. I had this thought pop in my head the morning of the funeral that I would be jealous forever of families that were fortunate enough to have all of their children here with them and then a little voice popped in my head that said -- yeah, they are lucky, but you still have Dad, Nicholas and Krista and ME as your guardian angel. You are blessed. Rest in peace my sweet angel. I love you with my aching heart and soul and will cherish every memory forever. Feathers, Amy! (Feathers was our secret word that we made up which means "I Love You"). Stay close but please enjoy ever wonder of Heaven -- a place that is so blessed to have you there and a place you so deserve!

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Amy....I lost my son, Jesse last October 2012 to a motorcycle accident...the grief journey is so very hard...please come and share your story in the Loss of an Adult Child thread...this is the most used, and you will find a circle of warm people who understand the horrible pain and are willing to hold your hand....to listen....you will be able to get a response fairly quickly....

Prayers for you and your family...

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Amy was as fortunate to have you as her Mom as you were to have her as your daughter. So sorry for your loss; as you said, she is now your Guardian Angel and will always be watching out for you as you had been for her. Sending you a hug. Wen

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Dee- am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, Amy. I am only 2 years into losing my daughter, but I so remember those dark, dark, empty days in the beginning- the first time going to a grocery store, seeing mothers and daughters together everywhere, getting up every day to the realization again that she is not there and never will be. I do still experience these things but they aren't quite as hard or intense as they used to be. Please hang on - you probably have other children and family members that need you and it ever so slowly and gradually gets a little better. Did you find out what exactly your daughter died of. My daughter just died of a sudden cardiac arrthymia- perfectly heatlhy girl. Take care of yourself and let others help you out. Hope to talk soon. Kira's mom.

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amymarieimom

Thank you to all who responded. It's been 10 days of so much sadness and pain. I just got so angry at the injustice of it all. Our family has suffered do much loss. 2007 my 35 year old brother; 2008 my nieces 5 month old son; this year my mother-in-law and now my precious daughter. I don't want to lose my faith and live with anger but its hard right now, this minute to be hopeful and faithful. Please help!

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Amy, I lost my daughter suddenly on August 6. Our stories have much in common. You had hummingbirds, I had sunflowers. I have a wonderful husband and 2 other kids. She had just left from spending the summer with us. She was my best friend. My job is to comfort others and it is hard for me to be the one being comforted. I don't know how to help other than get through the misery with you just as I need a mom to go through it with me.

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I too am sorry that you lost your beautiful daughter Amy. I lost my 29 year old daughter on March 15. This is a painful road. Hopefully we can help each other here.

My best to you,

Dru

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Dee, I am so so sad you have lost your precious daughter. Words are so hard for me to write to you as they can never ever get to the depth of where your pain is, that pain of losing a child. The pain of losing my daughter is so deep down inside of me, where others cannot go, leaving me so alone in that place, because I can no longer reach out and hold my child, and even while I have other loved ones around me, caring for me, loving me, I am still in that lone place, unable to come up for air. I am functioning as a human but not as the woman I was before. Just know that I am feeling for you Dee, I understand that deep and debilitating pain that cuts us to ribbons on the inside when we lose a precious child. Dee, I lost my 31 year old daughter Broni, 146 weeks and 5 days ago now and I miss her so very much, we were also best friends and did nearly everything together. We were so very close. Broni died from Swine Flu in 2010 here in Australia, (one of only a very few in the whole country) she had a massive brain haemorrhage on the last day and the doctors could do nothing to save her life. Having to turn off her Life Support was the most traumatic and hardest thing that I will ever have to do, it was something that no parent should have to be faced with. I want you to know that I am thinking of you Dee, take care of you. Dru (Bronis' mom)

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I haven't written on here in awhile. To be honest I had to re-create an account because the past 5+ weeks since Amy passed away have been one gigantic nightmare filled with spots that I have no recollection of -- such as creating this initial posting and even responding. I sure do appreciate the mothers who took the time to respond and oh how I feel your pain. I admit I do not like being part of any group grieving their child -- oh my gosh -- who does? No one gets a choice -- we are all just left to deal with the pain associated by having this big hole in our heart. Asking why Amy, why me, why my family ... that just doesn't help and I need to find a way around this. I hate the way everyone looks at me now. The sad story -- the family who lost their youngest child for no apparent reason than she just died. The how she died no longer matters -- it's done. She still lived at home and worked 2 blocks from me. To say our lives were woven together would be an understatement. to say she has the most beautiful heart and soul of anyone I ever met, would not be an exaggeration. To say that I am struggling each day to live without my baby ... well, you all know how it goes. My husband and two older children have been such a source of support. My friends are wonderful. But they were not me and can only imagine how difficult this is. You all know. I believe I have a choice and that is why I worry about where I go with this grief. I die from this grief, or I work through it and find a way to be a good mother and wife, a good friend, a good sister and daughter despite this horrific event. To honor Amy's memory any way I can requires me to live on. I never ever wallow - but hey, I never lost a child. And everyone loves to remind me that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen. I need no reality checks as my every second I get my reality check. I ache to kiss and hug her again. This week my friend sent me a poem written by one of my Amy's favorite poets, Emily Dickinson. It gave me a moment's comfort and I hope it does the same for you.

And if I go while you're still here,

Know that I live on,

Vibrating to a different measure,

Behind a thin veil that you cannot see through,

You will not see me,

So you must have faith,

I wait for the time that we can soar

together again,

Both aware of each other,

Until then, live your life to the fullest,

And when you need me,

Just whisper my name in your heart,

I will be there.

Sending you peace for the day when many like us grieve the loss of their loved ones when our great nation was attacked.

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Hi Dee- thanks for your reply. I don't know your e-mail to directly send one back to you, so I am replying here. We seem to have a lot in common. I too have a husband and 2 older children. You are still so early on into this- I know your pain oh so well. One thing a dr told me , not sure if it will help you, but he said that my Kira would have felt a little bit whoozy and then she would have dropped down , and lights out. He told me that was one thing he knew for sure, was that cardiac arrthymia would not have caused her to suffer at all. That gave me a little bit of comfort to know that she didn't suffer. We have no family history of cardiac problems so have no idea where this came from. But it still doesn't bring her back. I too still go into the grocery stores and get that awful feeling when I see her favs. Also I stopped listening to music after Kira died but the grocery store always has music playing- and sure enough a Katie Perry or Adele song come on and those are songs she listened to. It seems there is nothing that doesn't bring back a reminder of something. The biggest problem I have is seeing the world go on and my world stopped on June 19,2011. I absolutely love connecting with people on this web site. We all have so much in common. Really try to get through one day at a time and if that doesn't help, try an hour if you have to. It sounds like you have lots of loving and supportive people around you, please let them help.I would really like to help you any way I can. Our situations are so similar. E-mail me any time. thanks Kira's mom

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freelancewebdesign

I'm so sorry to hear about everyone's loss. I can only imagine the pain that you are all in. I had a friend that lost a child and eventually she ended up going to a grief coach that helped her get through it. It brought her a lot of comfort during a terrible time in her life. This coach lost a child herself so she knew what my friend was going through. I would recommend trying something like that when you feel up to it. Here is the contact info http://www.ouch-its-grief.com

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I too am so sorry for your loss, Amy. My son was murdered on the 9th and I am also struggling so much, but I joined this site a few days ago and it is helping. I just wrote a couple stories about Brooks, because I couldn't sleep, and it seems to have helped. Another hour passed by anyways.

Praying for you...Wade

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I am so sorry for your loss. I don't normally post, just read but I see so much of myself in your post and myangelkiras post. I lost my 22 year old daughter July 5, 2012. She had graduated college, got a job and moved to Charlotte, NC, where she had lots of friends and was so excited to start the "next chapter" of her life. She went to bed on July 4 and never woke up. It took over 3 months for toxicology tests and tissue sample tests to come back negative. Medical examiner ruled out everything. Death certificate says presumed cardiac arrhythmia, but some doctors we talked to suggested prolonged Q-T syndrome.

We are still shaking our heads and wondering why. There is no one to blame and there is nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening and we are still devastated. I have a 27 year old son and a great husband and some wonderful friends, but none of that will bring back the love of my life...my Allyson.

Kira's mom, so much of what you wrote I could've wrote. I call Bruno Mars "your amazing just the way you are" song the Allyson song because it reminds me so much of her. Every song is the Allyson song in some way. I could go on and on but I won't.

I am really sorry for all of you for losing your beloved children.

Sheryl

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