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frenzie

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frenzie

My husband "lost" his best friend to a suicide attempt a few weeks ago.  His friend survived - just barely - and probably will never be "the same" (kind of friend to my husband) as before.  My question is about my husband, T.  The grief, sadness, confusion, anger, guilt, frustration, resignation and depression he's been spinning through are so overwhelmingly sad to watch - and I can only be there for him.  I can't make it go away, can't fix it, can't help him - which, ironically are the same things he's saying about his friend.  Does this kind of grief end?  What do I tell him when he speaks about how angry he is with his friend and that he never wants to see him again?  Or when he's in such despair over life he doesn't think it's worth it to go on?  Maybe I'm in the wrong forum, and I apologize if this problem is small compared to what others are going through.  But I'm new to all this, desparately trying to find a way to keep my husband from going over the edge himself. . . if anyone help me, please do. . .

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aurora

Frenzie-Try to find a suicide support group for your husband and a grief counselor. Suicide is too large a thing to go through alone. Make sure your husband is taking care of himself through this by eating right, exercising, getting enough rest. Your husband will go through all kinds of feelings and emotions. It will take time to heal from the many layers of feelings and emotions. Listen to him and like you said, be there for him.

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wetheliving

I agree with Aurora. Be supportive. It's a fine line, your husband seems to be having trouble. I think your husband needs to take care of himself and focus on you.

I've got a pretty good example - a stop sign was knocked over on my corner this week. It's an all-way sign which means danger. Kids cross that street and when the sign is down, people speed through it. There was an accident this morning - two pickups in a fener-bender. I could feel the minutes pass and I couldn't help but wonder when someone was going to be killed. I had repaired that sign myself twice last week and I called the city streets dept. today, since the police didn't call it in ...but I had to detatch myself from it and do my thing because in an all-way stop intersection, the other car still has to stop. There's no reason whatsoever for there to be an accident if people are driving carefully like they're supposed to be. The sign is fixed as of today, yet I notice that people still don't really stop - they slide through. Your husband and his friend are sliding, and they simply have to stop - and think. Life is not that bad. It's what you make it. Your husband needs to sort it out for himself. Just be patient and listen to him, and to yourself.

Maybe this will help: about nine months after my friend died, I met a young woman who made me breakfast in bed - something no woman has ever done for me. Now I have to tell you I was really upset over this person who died and all of the stuff around it, but I'd wake up to a plate of freshly made juice, eggs, and challah bread - and that wonderful smile of hers. We've been together almost two years, and she brought me coffee yesterday morning. She's a pretty librarian. I would imagine that though your husband is bummed out, he's no fool. he married you. I bet you're very pretty, and I can promise you that it would do you good to distract him in that direction because every man dreams of that kind of thing; not all the time, but it should make him feel better. If breakfast in bed doesn't at least get a warm smile out of him then he needs to see a doc for sure. Part of my enjoyment of my girlfriend comes from my wanting to enjoy my life of course - it's not all her - but she sure helps.

Ultimately, though, it's got nothing to do with you. Your husband is fortunate that he's got someone who's thinking about him and thinking about what to do. He needs to see that his so-called friends can sometimes be a waste of his valuable time with you. There's nothing he can do for his friend that his friend can't do for himself, but your husband gets to be with you so he needs to be a little more responsible in that department.

I hope things resolve positively for you. Just be good to yourself and you'll know what to do. You'll be okay : )

 

 

 

 

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frenzie

Thank you so much for your kind words.  Unfortunately, he's a total guy guy - i.e. he'll fix the problem himself, thank you very much, and needs no outside help.  It's difficult for me to even know what's going through his head because he tries 99% of the time to act like nothing's wrong!  It's those rare, brief moments, late at night and usually after a couple of drinks that the emotion explodes out of him.  Like a dam bursting in a major storm.  The next day - nothing is said, nothing is acknowledged - it's back to:  life is good, I'm fine - but there's this air of distraction and and indifference that separates us. . .  

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frenzie

Thank you so much for your encouragement.  I think I needed to hear what you said, coming from a male perspective.  That's one of the areas I have trouble with - being my usual, bouncy, happy, goofy self because that's what he loves about me.  I've wondered if I appear insensitive - should I be more mopey - but I think you answered the question.  As long as I'm the best I can be, he'll appreciate it and will have more time to work on himself.  Thank you so much!

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wetheliving

Thank you frenzie, and I'm glad to help.

Feelings are mentionable and manageable. I've grown up observing a nation that encourages men to be silent. I don't think this is an okay thing at all. I'm a thinker, so while growing up I had to be alone quite a bit in order to be myself without being abused for it. I chose friends, male and female, who I could talk openly with. I did okay with few confrontations. I saw a counselor when a five-year relationship of mine ended in 1997. When you call, or at your first appointment, a counselor will ask you how they can help you. When I told her over the phone that my feelings had the flu she said she liked the way I phrased it. My first session with her was one of my early experiences with a therapist of any kind. When I entered her office and closed the door, I felt safe enough to burst into tears. I explained my feelings about the breakup and how I felt like a monster. She told me that no matter what anyone says, there's no such thing as an 'amicable' breakup. She also told me that the pain and grief I was expressing was normal and that she treats people who can't express themselves; because that pain still surfaces, but in unhealthy ways. After four visits with her I was fine, and those conversations with her have helped me to this day.

I read somewhere that prudence is sometimes as much about speaking up as it is about keeping quiet. I'm as much of a guy as any guy. I've built two cars, I've had good paying computer jobs, I took a sock in the jaw over a girl, and I like my steak flame-kissed; but I also know that the importance of identifying what's bugging me and being able to talk about it with a caring partner is as important as listening to her and giving her a safe place. Sometimes I'm way off the mark about something, but it's part of the process of finding the right approach to a problem. I'm almost never right the first time.

In my own situation, regarding my friend's death, I spoke up as her witness; their silence and suppression of my testimony has illustrated for me that I was right all along, and though they think they've discredited me it's they who have discredited themselves before me. Silence is golden, but gold is as useful as a pile of ashes when it's locked away in a safe.

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