Loss of an Adult Child

[kirksdad]

Dee, your word are so comforting. It is hard I know, but you are so right about the remembering of our children. I know that each time Kirk's name is mentioned now it is because of love and it is so much easier to talk to others that ask about him now. It takes time, but somehow we all manage to move slowly through this. You are right that we never completely get over this, but we can have a life that is full and rewarding again, just different.

[julsmom]

To all who post - has anyone undergone surgery/serious illness since the death of their child? I have to have surgery Tuesday, I'm not worried about it, it is not a life threatening condition and I fully expect to be ok afterward. But I was wondering if anyone had dreams/out of body experience (I know I am opening myself for a lot here) that brought them glimpses of their child? I have had few dreams of Julie and in the last one she told me she was lonely, no one ever came to see her. When I asked about her grandmother who died 10 mos. earlier visiting her, she said no, not even her. Very upsetting. I try not to put too much stock in dreams, yet somehow like everyone here I am sure, I still want to connect on some level with her. Peace to all. Julsmom

[briansdad]

Well,Tuesday April 19th my son Brian would have been 25.God this is the hardest thing I have ever endured.If I live a long life it's going to be in such pain, I hope I'm up to it.I sit at home and watch the TV shows we shared together and look at the chair where he used to sit and I can almost see him there.It's been 6 1/2 months since he died.I really don't care about anything anymore.I just don't see the point.Well Happy BIRTHDAY Brian I miss you everyday.

Love Dad

[kathy714]

to briansdad,my heart goes out to you ,my son died on his birthday jan.31,2005 .Ihave a long way off until his birthday rolls around, but i can't imagine what that day will be like.I'm still having a real hard time believing this has really happened.I want him back so bad ,everyday i wake up hoping this is the worst dream of my life ,and nathan is here and i can thank god it was only a dream, then when i realize it's not, iget really sick to my stomach and the pain actually hurts ,it even takes my breath away and i feel like i can't breath. Mothers day is coming and i really don't want to be here for that, ikeep asking my husband if we can just jump in the car and take off somewhere.I'm so sick of trying to pretend that i'm doing ok,that in its self takes what little energy i do have. All i do all day is picture my son,think of him and ask god why! T/C briansdad and e 1 else you are all in my prayers

[ashleysmom]

Briansdad,

I feel the same way. Ashley's birthday is Thursday, April 21st. It would have been her 19th birthday. It has been nine months since Ashley died, and a day doesn't go by that she is not on my mind constantly. I miss her so much. We always spent her birthday together, even her eighteenth when most kids want to go off with their friends, Ashley wanted to spend hers with me. I feel like I am on a landslide just sinking as her birthday approaches and then Mothers day and then graduation and then the fourth of July, the day she died. Kathy714, I can also relate to the feeling of just wanting to get in my car and go. I want to run away from all of this, but I know I can't because wherever I go there is still the fact that Ashley is gone. I still, after 9mos., wake up sometimes hoping this was all a bad dream, hoping that Ashley is asleep in her bed, then I look around and I know, the necklace I wear, the earrings I wear, the tattoos I have had since she died are all still here. Reality stinks!!! I wish you all some peace, Dottie

[brin3d]

I was reading the posts this morning and it is interesting that a lot of our children were born this week. My daughter Darcia was born on April 22nd and died the fourth of July weekend 2003. She would have been 25 this year too. It is definately a sad week for a lot of us. This is our families 2nd year without her but we still celebrate her birthday as a celebration of her life, of the wonderful woman she grew up to be. My emotions have been rampant this past week and I expect it will be worse this week as her birthday approaches.

Thanks to the ability to express my feelings and thoughts here where people understand what I am feeling, I will make it through another special day without her physically with me.

Thanks for listening.

[briansdad]

I remember going to church a day or two after Brian was born.It was a beautiful spring day,not unlike today.I went to thank God for a healthy baby boy.I'm planning on going tomorrow (his birthday)but I'm not sure why.I guess it would to thank God for 24 years with my son but for some reason I can't seem to see it that way.One of the most difficult parts of losing Brian has been my relationship with God ,it has been shaken to say the least.Somedays I feel I've taken steps to mend my relations and others I slip back and find myself falling back.You know I've read many books about guardian angels saving people in different life and death situations and I sit and wonder why Brian wasn't worthy of being saved.He had everything to live for.A 5 year old daughter-who still talks about her daddy.She asked her mom the other day if she could call daddy in heaven.She said no they didn't have phones there.Well all I know is if they did I'd have to place a call to talk to the man in charge for some explainations.

[encouraged]

My friends - especially those whose children have April birthdays,

April, until two years ago, was my favorite month of the year. Our son died two years ago on April 4. I was born years ago in April. Now April is not so lovely any more.

However, I force myself to see the beauty in the flowers and the trees. When our son died two years ago, I was grateful for the redbud and dogwood trees that were blooming in our yard. Slowly, the rest of the flowers made their appearance.

Brian's Dad, I hope you are able to go to church for Brian. Ashley's Mom, you remain in my prayers. Erica's Mom - praying for you, too. Julie's Mom - you are in my prayers during your surgery. Darcia's Mom - Thanks for your encouragement. I hope that someone will come into your life and the lives of all the others whose children have April birthdays to encourage.

Take care, my friends. Surely, one day we'll all feel better. Until then, I'll keep reaching out, trying to give, and and trying to accept the care that others offer.

Your friend from Texas

[rhonda68]

My friends - especially those whose children have April birthdays,

April, until two years ago, was my favorite month of the year. Our son died two years ago on April 4. I was born years ago in April. Now April is not so lovely any more.

However, I force myself to see the beauty in the flowers and the trees. When our son died two years ago, I was grateful for the redbud and dogwood trees that were blooming in our yard. Slowly, the rest of the flowers made their appearance.

Brian's Dad, I hope you are able to go to church for Brian. Ashley's Mom, you remain in my prayers. Erica's Mom - praying for you, too. Julie's Mom - you are in my prayers during your surgery. Darcia's Mom - Thanks for your encouragement. I hope that someone will come into your life and the lives of all the others whose children have April birthdays to encourage.

Take care, my friends. Surely, one day we'll all feel better. Until then, I'll keep reaching out, trying to give, and and trying to accept the care that others offer.

Your friend from Texas

[rhonda68]

My friends - especially those whose children have April birthdays,

April, until two years ago, was my favorite month of the year. Our son died two years ago on April 4. I was born years ago in April. Now April is not so lovely any more.

However, I force myself to see the beauty in the flowers and the trees. When our son died two years ago, I was grateful for the redbud and dogwood trees that were blooming in our yard. Slowly, the rest of the flowers made their appearance.

Brian's Dad, I hope you are able to go to church for Brian. Ashley's Mom, you remain in my prayers. Erica's Mom - praying for you, too. Julie's Mom - you are in my prayers during your surgery. Darcia's Mom - Thanks for your encouragement. I hope that someone will come into your life and the lives of all the others whose children have April birthdays to encourage.

Take care, my friends. Surely, one day we'll all feel better. Until then, I'll keep reaching out, trying to give, and and trying to accept the care that others offer.

Your friend from Texas

Hello all thinking of you at this very difficult time and I know the feeling just don't care anymore!

[missingchris]

To all the Parents of Children with Birthdays coming up..... We will ask for strength for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[lostclee]

BriansDad, My heart and prayers go to you on this day. I know how difficult it is. It has been almost two years since I lost my Todd. I think it has gotten harder in a way because the numbness has worn off. My heart and prayers go out to all others on this site.

Camille

http://toddjlee.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[jscmom]

Briansdad, May God walk with you today and everyday after. I just went down this road on 3/22 my first. I am saying a prayer for you. Johnny's mom forever 22.

Well,Tuesday April 19th my son Brian would have been 25.God this is the hardest thing I have ever endured.If I live a long life it's going to be in such pain, I hope I'm up to it.I sit at home and watch the TV shows we shared together and look at the chair where he used to sit and I can almost see him there.It's been 6 1/2 months since he died.I really don't care about anything anymore.I just don't see the point.Well Happy BIRTHDAY Brian I miss you everyday.

Love Dad

[rhonda68]

Thinking of you and praying for you today Brians Dad! I sure know how it feels not to give a rip anymore its sure lonely whithout our child and empty.

[jscmom]

Hi Rhonda 68, I know what you are going through in this post. I am so tired reading, casued by, due by, estate of and having to file taxes for my son Johnny he was 22. As far as family goes ex's and the rest well they need prayer and lots of it.

My ex the bio dad and his family did not have much to do with Johhny for almost 15 years. I had to find him through his mother when I got that call. I left Ca. to be with my son and for 14 days I watched as this man known as bio dad acted as if knew this boy my son. Johnny never woke up, we had to let him go 10/10/04. As we planned the celebration of life for our son the bio dad was more concerned that I was going to sue him for 1/2 of the expenses. I don't want a thing from him what I want I can't have.

I get mail to the estate of I can't open them. Then I have to file my son's taxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why I don't know. I am so tired of having his death cert sit on my desk as if was an award. They are are babies no matter how old they are. And once something like this happens you really find out about "family" 1/2 of mine I haven't seen since his service. They call it a tradegy I call it living a nightmare and please someone wake me up. Everyone says it will get easier how do hey know? That hole you want to crawl we all do and most of has at least once. Some days are I guess better than others why I don't know because the the pain in our soul doesn't stop hurting. Thanks for letting me vent. I pray for all of us here. Jonnhy's mom forever 22.

Hello guys thanks for the replys again it helps alot. I am not having a good day I went and bought a bottle of wine just want the pain to go away for awhile. I got something in the mail again that says in the estate of the late Richard Bennett its just so upsetting it just feels like writing him off. I just want to kiss him and hug him and tell him I Love Him! He was only 19 I need to protect him. Just not finding any happiness whatsoever. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and never have to look at anyone again. My ex and his family are giving me all sorts of trouble. My ex refuses to pay for anything to do with the funeral. The wrest of his family are being complete jerks even after trying to be nice to them. When I deal with all of this i am going to let them have it and then I want nothing more to do with them.

[jscmom]

To all who read this I am sorry for all the mis spellings, guess my venting got the better of me. Johnny's mom forever 22

Hi Rhonda 68, I know what you are going through in this post. I am so tired reading, casued by, due by, estate of and having to file taxes for my son Johnny he was 22. As far as family goes ex's and the rest well they need prayer and lots of it.

My ex the bio dad and his family did not have much to do with Johhny for almost 15 years. I had to find him through his mother when I got that call. I left Ca. to be with my son and for 14 days I watched as this man known as bio dad acted as if knew this boy my son. Johnny never woke up, we had to let him go 10/10/04. As we planned the celebration of life for our son the bio dad was more concerned that I was going to sue him for 1/2 of the expenses. I don't want a thing from him what I want I can't have.

I get mail to the estate of I can't open them. Then I have to file my son's taxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why I don't know. I am so tired of having his death cert sit on my desk as if was an award. They are are babies no matter how old they are. And once something like this happens you really find out about "family" 1/2 of mine I haven't seen since his service. They call it a tradegy I call it living a nightmare and please someone wake me up. Everyone says it will get easier how do hey know? That hole you want to crawl we all do and most of has at least once. Some days are I guess better than others why I don't know because the the pain in our soul doesn't stop hurting. Thanks for letting me vent. I pray for all of us here. Jonnhy's mom forever 22.

Hello guys thanks for the replys again it helps alot. I am not having a good day I went and bought a bottle of wine just want the pain to go away for awhile. I got something in the mail again that says in the estate of the late Richard Bennett its just so upsetting it just feels like writing him off. I just want to kiss him and hug him and tell him I Love Him! He was only 19 I need to protect him. Just not finding any happiness whatsoever. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and never have to look at anyone again. My ex and his family are giving me all sorts of trouble. My ex refuses to pay for anything to do with the funeral. The wrest of his family are being complete jerks even after trying to be nice to them. When I deal with all of this i am going to let them have it and then I want nothing more to do with them.

[kathy714]

hi everyone, i was just reading the post,my prayers are with all, what is with April birthdays? Nathans was in Jan., but my sister in law who passed away in 2001 has 6 children and 4 of the 6 have birthdays in april,my father and sister's is also in april. I hope you are all surviving the best that you can during these differcult times,i am only three monthes into this an i know i'm still numb and still in denial.Isaw my nephew the other day and i keep telling him i am going to give him some of Nathan's clothes,and i still can't,because in the back of my mind i think " what if nathan comes back".To johnny's mom i feel the same way,my son was 21 and i still think of him as my baby ,and when i heard them call nathan a 21year old man on the news, i remember it stopped me in my tracks,because i never thought of him as a man,he was still so young to me. I miss him so much!! Last year at this time Nathan and i were in florida visting my dad and family and it was the best time,we said we would make it a yearly event,and i can't believe now he's gone!

[starlight1]

I hope I don\'t offend anyone here by saying this. I wanted so bad to connect with my son, Todd and I researched it in the Bible. I know many have different beliefs and are perhaps mad at God. I found after spending alot of time looking at my Bible software, a book I read called \"One Minute After You Die\" and talking to some others. What I found out is that we are not to try and peek \"behind the curtain\". Our only connection would be God if that is our belief. When a person goes to a medium it is actually evil spirits that people are talking to that are impersonating our loved ones. Also, some out of body experiences are also the devil impersonating an Angel of light. There are many scriptural references to support the above. I would suggest the book mentioned above.

Lostclee, I\'m not offended by your statement above and you have every right to express your beliefs which I respect...however I don\'t agree at all. I do not believe that evil spirits and Satan are the ones who talk to us through mediums...I thoroughly believe it is our children who do. I get signs (ADCs) from my son, David, quite frequently and they make me so happy...I don\'t believe Satan or evil spirits would want to provide that type of comfort - after all, they're supposed to be evil! I haven't been fortunate enough to get valid messages from my David through a medium (I've only been to one) but haven\'t made a good connection yet. I will try again soon though. I feel it's kind of like a phone call from your child and it's one that I want badly!

I am still a Christian in as far as I believe in the goodness of Christ and that he is part of God but I no longer believe a lot of the biblically based word. As far as looking behind the curtain, I think God wants us to awaken our spirtuality and I have to say that's the one positive thing that's happened to me since my son crossed over to the Other Side. I am much more spiritual and open minded then I was before my son's death (I now prefer the word Transition).

I believe my connections to my son are through God...that He allows and actually encourges it. I think you do have to be wary of frauds and that there are negative spirits so you must be cautious but I'm now finding my beliefs heading more towards the Christan Spiritualist dogma.

Regarding April birthdays...David\'s 21st birthday was on April 15 and the first year anniversary of his passing was on April 11th. We had a lovely gathering at the cemetary of his friends and some close family. I read a poem (The Ship) which I\'ll post shortly; set off 21 white balloons (with Forget-me-Not seeds inside) and every said happy birthday to my boy. It was very touching and extremely healing.

Hugs,

Sandy

[starlight1]

This is the poem we read before setting off the balloons for my son's 21st birthday. I love it and thought you all might like to read it too.

"The Horizon"

"I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud on the horizon,

Just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with one another.

Then someone at my side says, 'There, she is gone.'

'Gone where?'

Gone from my sight. That is all.

She is as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my left my side.

And she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There, she is gone,'

there are other eyes watching her coming.

And other voices ready take up the glad shout:

'Here she comes'!

And that is dying.

[Michaelsmom]

I haven't been to this group in quite some time. I lost my son Michael in 2002 and I used this forum for about 6 months. It was very helpful. Now I'm back - how can this happen to =my family? My oldest, Carolyn, 40 years old was diagnosed with colon cancer that metastized to her liver. She died one month to the day of her diagnosis. March 21. She left two children - 14 and 5. I'm so grief stricken I don't know where to go. Two children - how can this be? I know I need to live for my grandchildren but it is so hard. I miss her terribly. She was my best friend.

[BIJulie]

Michaelsmom,

I am glad to see you back. I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know it is really hard for you to have to go through this again. I know your grandchildren appreciate your precense in their lives during their difficult time.

I hope you will continue to visit and let us know how you are all doing.

Take Care,

Julie

[ashleysmom]

Happy Birthday in heaven my baby, I love you and miss you so much.

Ashley Rose 4-21-86-7-4-04

Forever young

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Starlight1

That is a beautiful poem, and if its ok, I would like to read it at Matthews birthday celebration on the 26th, yes another April birthday....

Lostclee,I dont know what to say about your comments, so I wont say anything.

Stu,

Carrie and Matthews dad

[starlight1]

Stu, I'm glad that this poem touched you as well...I think it would be lovely if you used it too. It really speaks to me about death and what it really is. I hope Matthew's birthday is as good as it can be for you, considering the situation. I believe that our kids celebrate on the Other Side and that they also join our celebrations as well. I felt my David's presence when we were honoring his birthday...I can't imagine him staying away when we were all there.

Michael's Mom...I'm so sorry that you're going through this horror a second time. My heart just breaks for you and your family.

Happy Birthday to Ashley Rose in Heaven.

Hugs,

Sandy

[rhonda68]

Ashleysmom thinking of you and praying for you today! Michaelsmom so sorry for your losses. I lost my 19 year old son to a car accident Feb 23,2005 I am having a very difficult time and never want to go threw this again. I have a lady in my area that I meet for coffee and she has lost 3 sons I just couldn't do it. Love to everyone!

[Michaelsmom]

Welcome back??! I would think that the last thing everyone would want to see is a returning parent in pain. The problem with this website is everyone is so wrapped up in their own grief they don't know how to feel for anyone else. I have lost TWO CHILDREN! And yet, you tell me about your loss. Understood - I don't blame you - you're grief is too much for you to handle - how can you even understand mine? This website is not helping me at all - it is too full of grief - I need constructive help and compassion - I guess I need counseling from someone who is a stranger to our kind of grief. My mistake - I wish none of you ever heard of this website. I can't even say you're in my prayers as I have no faith. Take care.

[encouraged]

I haven't been to this group in quite some time. I lost my son Michael in 2002 and I used this forum for about 6 months. It was very helpful. Now I'm back - how can this happen to =my family? My oldest, Carolyn, 40 years old was diagnosed with colon cancer that metastized to her liver. She died one month to the day of her diagnosis. March 21. She left two children - 14 and 5. I'm so grief stricken I don't know where to go. Two children - how can this be? I know I need to live for my grandchildren but it is so hard. I miss her terribly. She was my best friend.

Dear Michael and Carolyn's Mom,

You have experienced too, too much loss. I thought that the loss of one child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. But, you've had to endure it twice. Your loss grieves my heart. I grieve with you and with your precious grandchildren.

Please don't let my Username discourage you. I chose it after I, like you, had been discouraged so many times as I went to friends for empathy. All of us who have lost children on this site are grieving. Please know that I care and wish I had words that would convey my compassion to you. All I really know to say is that I understand the loss of a son, but there is no way I can understand your loss of your best friend and daughter, Carolyn.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Your friend from Texas

[rhonda68]

Sorry just trying to be of help. I know some people on this site have helped me alot just to know that they understand. Thats all I was trying to do. Its not been 2 months for me and I am devasted so excuse me!

[starlight1]

Rhonda, it's obvious that you are compassionate and meant well so please don't feel bad about what you wrote. We're all living in another world then we did before we lost our child or children and many of us feel a lot of anger which can be directed at the wrong person. It's so difficult because so often there's no one to blame.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. My 19 year old son also passed in an auto accident, it was just a year on April 11th. I do understand your grief and my thoughts are with you.

Hugs,

Sandy

[kirksdad]

Rhonda, don't worry, please, you have said nothing hurtful. When it comes to losing a child all nerves are exposed. You are going through so much right now, you don't need to be worrying about anything else. We all go through this and feel so differently about anything being said, but in the end we all know we are all coming in here with the most devastating thing imaginable that could happen to anyone. Some have suffered more than others, but our pain for us is our own. Each emotion different and each thing said intrepreted in so many ways.

[starchilde]

My son Brendan passed away 4 weeks ago today...I have been through many traumas & such in my life, but NOTHING compares to this. He was 24 1/2, & is so missed, it seems my every breath & heartbeat is with him still. I was there with him, as he went to be with God. My only solace in this, is knowing he is whole now,as he was born w/ disabilities. For 23 1/2 yrs. he was never hospitalized, but in 2004, he was hospitalized 8 times. I thank God for hospice, for his last 7 weeks of life, as he did not have to be torured by medical personnel anymore. They put him thru more hell in 2004,than should have been allowed.

I WILL grow through all of this,even though I miss my son more than any words could ever convey. Right now though, it is a very raw wound, an open space inside of me. I know that open space will remain,because nothing would ever take his place... but I know he would want me to keep going on, as hard as it is. I promised him that I would take care of myself, & that we would take care of one another for him.

Bren, you are loved still,... & ever... by Mom, dad, & Sister.

[Tiffany]

Dear Michaels Mom: I am so very sorry to hear of your daughter's passing. It is a terrible thing to lose a child, I can only imagine the pain that losing 2 must be like. I don't have any magic words to offer and I don't konw of any way around the grief but I can offer you the comfort and support of the people here at Beyond Indigo. It's a great place to come and express what you can't tell the rest of the world. We understand the gut wrenching pain, the intolerable longing and the absolute helplessness that we each feel. We know that the only thing any of us really wants is to have our child back again and we know the long slow process of accepting that it's not going to happen. We understand and we can be here for you, if only to listen when you can't bear the pain and you need to talk. I don't post a lot myself, but I read a lot. I'm 2 1/2 years into losing my 21 year old son and I still have bad days. The posts here help a lot. Was your daughter your only living child? My heart breaks for you, it really does. Please know that I am thinking of you and holding you close in my prayers. Tiffany

[daveydow1]

Starchilde,

So sorry to hear of your son,Brendan's, recent passing. I'm always sad

to see anyone come to this site. It is a place where you can

say how you feel and not have to put on that you are "o.k."

as we so often have to do with others in the workplace etc.

I pray that you may somehow find some comfort in the coming

days and weeks. Peace be with you.

[kathy714]

dear carolyn's mom,i can't imagine what it must be like to lose two children,i have lost many people in my life but i have never felt grief like the way i have since i lost my son nathan 2 1/2 monthes ago.I haveone other son and i pray everyday for god to keep him and my husband safe,because i really can not handle any more losses and people tell with time i will get over this,but i hurt so much right now i really can't imagine ever getting over this. Brendan's mom i'm also sorry of your son's recent passing ,this is a nice site to come to i come hear almost every night just to find so comfort and to share my feelings with others that really understand the pain we are feeling.

[Artina]

Brendan's mom,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Beyond Indigo parent's understand the loss of a child, because each one of us have experienced the same loss. Our experiences are different, but the loss is the same. Please know that we are here to help and support each other in any way that we can. We share thoughts (resources)that may have helped us on our journey in hopes that it will help someone else. If it works- great. If it doesn't work- throw it out. The premise is that we are here for each other.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

To All-

I have been part of the Beyond Indigo family for two and a half years. After the loss of my son I thought I was going to die and the only lifeline I could find was this support group. I have to tell you that without this group I would have folded into the walls. Just hearing that there were parent’s who survived their loss gave me hope. I took what worked for me and left what didn’t work. It makes since to evaluate what works when using a forum that is full of different experiences- some parent's have lost their only child, or only son or daughter. Some parent's have lost two children or all their children. Some parent's were at their child's bedside as they left this world and some parent's never got to see the body of their child after they died. Some parent's watched their child struggle their whole life with illness and some parent's watched their child climb on top of the world as they absorbed every minute of their life. As for me; well I watched my son climb on top of the world as we absorbed every minute of his life with him. He was healthy and strong. My marriage is healthy and strong. I have a living child. I didn’t see my son’s accident. My son died instantly. I was able to see the body of my son after his Spirit departed his physical body. We don’t have financial difficulties surrounding us and we have a great circle of friends. I know that the variables that surround my grief journey are unique to my situation. Thus, I don’t expect my tools to work for everybody. We all have one thing in common… we share the experience of LOSS and we hurt. Let's support each other with positive hope (I find that support is without "judgment" and has no expectations or fear attached to it).

Peace to all, Tina

[ashleysmom]

Tina,

That was well put. Thank-you. I know you have been very supportive and again I thank you. This forum has also helped me. I don't know where I would be without the help and support of others who have gone through this unimaginable heartache. I don't believe there is one of us here that wouldn't give everything they had if they could have changed the circumstances that brought us together. I cringe each time there is a new name, a new heartache, a new member of this group that no-one wants to be a part of. We are all here, trying to live a life we don't want to live. There are good days and bad, times when we are truly enveloped in our own pain and then there are times when we can reach out to others and offer some hope. I too wish some peace to all. Dottie

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Michaelsmom,

I also lost two of my children, CarrieAnn, and Matthew. She died on nov. 3rd 2002, and Matt 8 months after her. I know how you feel.People cant believe that you can lose two children...I know I never thought it could happen to me.

To lose one child is the most horrible thing that we can think of, till we lose another. I am trully just killing time here, if I had the courage, I wouldnt be here typing this letter to you, I'd be with them.

Matts birthday is tomorrow.....he turns 33...I'm sorry your in such pain, I know how your feeling.

Peace and love to you from someone who cares

Carrie and Matthews dad

Stu

[Michaelsmom]

Dear Heartbrokendad,

I was actually shocked when I read your reply. Someone else with my pain. 8 months between - how can you cope? My two children died 2 1/2 years apart. I know how you feel - the pain is so bad I just want to leave this earth. My daughter left two children - 14 and 5 and they do keep me going but it is extremely hard. I have 1 daughter left - my youngest - she is a sweetheart but going through her own pain - she is petrified that she is going to die young like her siblings. I can't help her because I am afraid for her also. Stu, tell me about your kids - it might help. I don't pray anymore (what's the use) but I will think of you often. Thanks so much for sharing.

Michael and Carolyn's mom

[rhonda68]

Just feeling really consumed by the death of my child. I don't want to live and I am tired of the ex walking all over me. Feeling really really hopeless. And it just doesn't quit one unpleasant surprise after another. I keep finding out things that have been held secret of me and I am so hurt. How am I suppose to go on without him just feeling so lost and empty? He was my life I took care of that boy right from birth threw all his growing up years and he still came to me with his problems and he showed alot of love and respect to me! I feel literally ill and it doesn't feel like I can keep going on I am tired of it all.

[kathy714]

Dear Tina,thanks for your reply,you are so right and thats just what i do.Icome to this site almost everynite to read the messages and take with me those that i can relate to,and sometimes reply, i love coming here everynight before i go to bed. When my son Nathan first passed away i felt so alone,the silence in my house was chilling,and my husband doesn't talk about it.Then one night someone told me about this site and i couldn't believe how many people out there was in the same situation and was going through many of the same feelings i was. Ifind comfort here and feel safe to talk about my feelings. T/C Kathy

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Michaelsmom,

This is not the best time for me to go into detail about Carrie and Matthew, its his 33rd birthday, and I am just on the edge of tears, and if I start to talk about them, it will push me over the edge, as I'm sure you know the feeling.

I will write tomorrow,after we celebrate his life today at the cemetary.

They are buried together, so we will have a little get together, at their grave, friends, and other parents I've come to know who have lost children, we seem to be the only ones who understand what we are going through. I have some ballons, a tank of helium, some flower seeds to put in the ballons, and a poem I will read there. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to you and yours

Stu

Carrie and Matthews (the birthday boy) dad

[encouraged]

Dear Rhonda68,

Your post helps me to be able to empathize with you. Even though our situations are different, our loss is the same -- the loss of a son whom we love very much.

I hope you can find something or someone to connect with and ride out this terrible storm. My mother used to tell me, "Everything will look better in the morning." Sometimes that is true, and sometimes it doesn't happen. Nevertheless, I remind myself of that when life just doesn't seem to go well.

Your friend from Texas

[julsmom]

Stu- thinking about you this very special day. I hope that you find peace as you travel this terrible road. Lynda

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Lynda,

Thank you, and I hope you find peace also today and everyday

[rhonda68]

Stu my thoughts and prayers are with you today!

Richards MOM

[kirksdad]

Stu, I know how hard today is, my thoughts are with you. Jim

[Mazey2]

Micheal's Mom, I remember you.....from '02. I was here alot then too. I can not EVEN begin to know what to say to you, for you.....Please, know I care. I am going to email you personally. I'm sure "they" didn't mean to 'welcome' you back....poor words. I am just in shock...please, know I care very much and feel so sad for you....Linda

[briansdad]

Hey,with mothers day coming up I need some input.This being our first mothers day without our son I'd like to do something extra special for my wife from her angel son.Does any one have any suggestions.I know the one thing she would want the most I can't give her.Any help would be appreciated.

Email: championpilot@aol.com

[Tiffany]

Briansdad: Mohter's day will be a tough day. My first mother's day without my son was very hard on all of my family but my husband made it memorable by giving me a mother's day ring with the birthstones of both of our children and myself in it. It is beautiful and I treasure it. It always reminds me of our "complete" family and not only that, it reminds me of how very lucky I am to have my a husband that took the time and effort to make a tough day a little more tolerable. Another jewelry gift that he got me, although not for Mother's Day, was the 3 diamond drop necklace. The 3 diamonds stand for The Past, The Present and The Future. It had double meaning to me as both my boys and myself are born in April and our stone is a diamond. Just some ideas. I'm sure that she will very much appreciate any gift that you give her that shows her you care and are thinking of her. I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. Good luck and let us know what you decide.