Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Mattysmom,

I am so sorry for the loss of you son, I lost my son ,also Matthew, on July 16,2003, he was 31. This, after my daughter Carre, died from a drug overdose on 11/3/02. She was my first born child, and my only daughter.

I know how you feel, I also went right back to work, as I found that keeping busy helps.

Trust me, your not feeling anything that all of us here on this awful journey have not felt, and are still feeling.

I sometimes will be sitting here, and just start to cry...or while driving I will be crying.

This is just a time in my life that will not get any better, and as i tell my therapist, I'm just killing time till I join my kids again. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, each day is the same terible day as the previous one.

I think most of us here would be academy award winners for looking normal while dieing on the inside.

Please know that your not feeling anything that all of us here arent feeling.

Peace to you and yours..

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[ashleysmom]

Mattysmom,

My heart goes out to you and yours. I am so sorry for your loss. My 18yr old daughter died 7-4-04 in a single car accident. I miss her every moment of every day. I remember everyone telling me I was "doing so good" when I was just dying inside. You are right, we get better at hiding our pain. I used to break down everyday before and after work. I would cry all the way to work and all the way home. Now I can actually make it to work without crying most of the time. I usually have three days off a week because I work 10hr days. Sometimes all three days are consumed with grief and it seems I get nothing accomplished, but I do. I take the time to grieve so that I can function on the days that I need to. I just came back from a conference where I had been gone for 6 days. By the third day I was completely spent and although my friends did not want me to be alone, I needed to be. I needed to grieve. I guess what I am trying to tell you is to take the time to grieve, you need it. Tears cleanse the soul. I don't believe that it will ever hurt less and I believe there is a part of us that is gone forever, buried with our children. We will never experience the true joy that we once knew, but there is hope. Someday we will be reunited with our children. Until then, peace to you and yours through this tortorous journey,

Dottie

[julsmom]

Mattysmom - I too am a grieving mother. Like Ashleysmom, my 27 y/o daughter died in a single car accident on 10/13/03. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and now there are some days when I don't cry. We are broken, and we can never be "fixed". Our friends and family mean well, but we must all grieve in our way and in our time. What you described sounds "normal" to me if there is such a thing as normal. A book that helped me was "I Wasn't Ready to say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair. I hope that you find peace as you travel this road.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[mattysmom]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. Some days you just feel like you're going crazy and it's helpful to know that other people understand. This is not a group that any of us would choose to be in, but I thank you for sharing.

[daveydow1]

Mattysmom,

I am so very sorry to hear of your dear son, Matthew's, death.

You are not going crazy. The grief is inside, and it must be

expressed. As the others here have said, we must give ourselves time to

grieve, and not be affected by other people's measures of time, to

decide how long we should be taking. We can't allow well-meaning

people to decide this for us. Every grieving person must make that

call. My son, David, died in an accident 6/14/03, and I have to say,

that I agree with the others here, that we can't be "fixed". Being

able to come to this site and say how I feel without being judged has

helped me quite a bit. Everyone here at this site knows how your grief

is so intense, and hope that in some small way we can help a bit.

Please come back to the site, and post whenever you feel up to it.

Peace be with you.

[jscmom]

Mattysmom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Matthew. I lost my only son John my youngest on 10/10/04. I had 2 weeks with John before he took his last breath. He never woke up I just pray he knew I was there. Grief to me means the pain is so deep in our souls nothing will heal it until we are with our children again. There is no right way or wrong way to do this. We all have to put on that mask for whatever reason or situation we are in and in the same time we are dying inside. I cry everyday same days more than others. Losing my son has changed the rest of my life and those around me. No one can tell you how long we will hurt I know for me it will be forever.

May you find a little comfort here.

Johnny's mom forever 22

[ctdors]

I lost my beloved 27 year old son, Gregory, on February 18, 2005. I am having such a hard time dealing with the reality of the fact that he is gone...the finality of it. I don't want to accept it...I feel like not yet, not ever. We are not sure yet but believe he died of an overdose. My heart, spirit..everything is in such pain.

[ericasmom]

Dearest Mattysmom and Gregorys mom,

i am sorry that you find yourselves here but you do, just as we do and i hope that you find in this place with us the understanding and shoulder to cry on that is not always available out in the other world.

Life changes very rapidly when we lose our babies, and we change to the point that we do not always recognize ourselves. Do not be afraid if you can help it, it is only normal to change. I think of the changes i made when i became a mom, and to lose one of my children has to make me change agian. Make room for change, allow yourself this, give yourself time and space to mourn, it can not be rushed, we will never be the same exact person, if others expect this...then this will have to be their issue, it cannot be yours. the terrible truth is we can not control things for our children, we all tried, we raised them with the best intentions, they were for the most part happy people, and yet here we are. Life does go on, but it is a different life.

so understand that your children will love you forever, as you will them, but that no matter what you ache right now and nobody is allowed to expect this to be different. I find writing helps me get some clarity in this ball of yarn life, walking and biking are good ways to to be out with my child. If you exercised before this tragedy, try to do it agian, it gives you some control on your day.

My thoughts, my prayers,

dee

[daveydow1]

Ctdors,

I am so sorry that sad circumstances brought you to this site. It is a place no one ever wants to be a part of.The loss of

your son, Gregory, is a life-changing tragedy. We here on this

site can relate totally to your crushing grief. These early days

after a tragedy is an indescribable sea of pain. I wish that I

could offer something to ease the agony, but I know there is not

much that anyone can say. Please come back to this site. I believe

it may help in time. Everyone here understands, and will welcome

your posts.

MomofDavey (9/26/71)----Went to heaven 6/14/03

[jscmom]

For CTdors,

Emotionless, in a fog, numbness, emptiness, sadness, our lives has forever changed. All who post here KNOW how what why you feel. Broken forever, incomplete all the what if's or should ofs but mostly WHY. Why did our children leave us. I am fairly new to this site it will be 5 months on the 10th. Yet as I read all the posts it has helped me realize that we will never get over it nor will it be easier our lives has forever changed. The long road ahead is not one none of us ever wanted to walk, but here at this site we all understand one another. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so glad I have found this site thanks to all, hope you come back because it really does help.

Johnny's mom forever 22

[griffinsmom]

My son is 17- will be 18 May 20- He was killed instantly in a car accident where his friend was driving too fast, lost control around a curve, and smashed Griffins car into a tree. The two boys in front were fins, Griffin did not survive. I am having a hard time, as I raised Griffin by myself- and we have a very close bond. As many of us know- I did not get to say goodbye, only see ya later as he walked out the door to go to his friends house on New Years Day. I have been married for 2 years- March 6, and have a 4 month old daughter- who Griffin did get to see and hold. I have started to attend Compassionate Friends meeting, as it does help to meet and listen to other parents who have experienced this horrific loss. You can see Griffins memorial website at www.memory-of.com, Griffin Schwartz. Seventeen years is a long relationship, and I miss my son so much it hurts- especially when the reality starts to sink in- that no matter what you do or say or how much you cry and beg- nothing can change the situation. All I can have is hope for the future that I will see my son again when I die. Really, I am 45, and am looking forward to the next 30 years to move along, so I can hold my boy again. Thats not really good, to live to die. Whats up with that?

[ericasmom]

HI Griffin's mom,

i am so sorry that you find yourself here...it isn't ever a place we would ever imagine ourselves to be. I remember a few months before my girl Erica died, I had been having nightmares of something horrible happening to her, couldn't see what and woke many times screaming, sweat dripping from me. The last of the nightmares occurred in May, she died in July. In this last dream i was standing in the church, i was giving my daughter's eulogy, in it i said," we don't have kids to bury them...this is out of order"

It is out of order, it is never what we expect,nor except, and yet it is what we now go on with, it is who we are now, parents who have lost our children. It never becomes easy, only softer with time, it does feel different here on the 20th month anniverssary of ERi being hit by a train, it feels different and jpart of that is knowing she is in a peaceful state, a peaceful place. I have felt her peace, i have had her near me, i talk toher a great deal, and i come here, and with it all, there is healing. I know that our kids would want us to move forward as best we can, and so there is not a way, not a time limit, it is when and the best we can. Give yourself time, allow yourself time.

peace,

dee

[griffinsmom]

I had a baby 4 months ago, and I know she deserves better than me being eager to leave this (her) life to be reunited with Griffin- although I am not afraid of death because I will be with Griffin again. It is very counterproductive, yet reassuring to have these feelings. Maybe this is the "insanity" people are talking about. I am 45 years old, by the way. I miss my son, my best friend, so much....I can't imagine our lives without Griffin physically present. I guess we all have to accept the new form our relationship with our children has taken, and make the best of it?

I am really sorry for everyones loss. It truly is indescribable. Im finding that reading on the different subjects helps, and these forums help, too- just reading other peoples accounts of wwhats going on makes me see Im on the same track-thanks for answering my post.

[starlight1]

Griffsmom, I know what you mean about wanting to be with them again but then there\'s the guilt about feeling that way because of our other kids and loved ones. My 19 year old son, David, was the only fatalilty in a one car accident last Easter Sunday. Both of the other guys in the car survived without serious injury, including the driver. David was in the passenger seat.

I have a 23 year old daughter who I love dearly but I can\'t help but want to be with David. Then I'll turn around and feel so horrible...how could I want to go and then leave her? It's just so no-win. It's so weird, living in both worlds like we do. I've been in remission for breast cancer for amost two years and sometimes when I have a pain or some unusual pain...most people in my position (bc survivors) panic and start to worry. I don't care and in fact, there's a part of me that takes some comfort in the thought that it might be back and give me an exit.

So...from my perspective I think it's normal that we have these feelings of wanting the pain to end and to be physically reunited with our boys.

On a positive note...I went to Griffen's website...it's wonderful. I just love In-Memory, great site. I just completed my son's website on there as well...it's www.david-braziel.in-memory.com. I feel that David really likes it and I'm sure your Griffin loves his site too.

Hugs,

Sandy x

[julsmom]

Griffsmom-I am so sorry that you have had to find this site. We are in a select group of folks who didn't ask to be here. I must have too much time on my hands because I am doing too much thinking lately. What were her final thoughts, did she know she was involved in a fatal accident, did she cry out for me or her dad? Death was instint supposedly but surely she knew her car was out of control. By the way her car which she bought just 3 weeks before the accident, is poorly rated for accidents. My surviving son also drives a car which is rated poorly in accidents. Because we cannot afford to help out our children financially, should they have to drive such horrible cars???? It is not fair. I certainly identify with everyone's remarks about dying. I am not suicidal, but do have surgery coming up in about 6 wks and if something should go wrong, Oh well. I miss my daughter so much lately it just seems unbearable. May we all find peace as we travel this road.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[starlight1]

Lynda,

David supposedly died instantly as well (or as the accident report stated...death within secs/mins which never sounded like instantly to me but there you go. Anyway, the driver was knocked unconscious but the boy in the back seat was conscious the entire time. I had the same questions that you have...did he suffer, was he frightened, did he know he was dying...The only thing that helps me is that his friend (Brody) who was conscious during the whole thing...told us that it all happened so fast and one minute David was laughing and having fun and unconscious the next...he kept saying it happened so fast (the car hit an bridge abutment). I don't know what Julie's injuries were but in David's case his main aorta separated from his heart. I had to look up what actually took his life...don't know why but I was obsessed with what took him from me. From what I've read, a person would go into instant shock and not feel pain or really be aware of much going on around them. I try to take some small comfort in that although I'll never know for sure. I do feel that he would have been aware of what happened after the accident when his soul left his body but that's something else alltogther.

Wishing some peace of mind for all us...

-Sandy

[julsmom]

Sandy thank you for your kind words. Julie died of head trauma and we were told it would be better not to see her body, so we didn't and there was no goodbye hug or kiss. She was alone in the car when it went out of control, I have never read the complete accident report so I do not know all the details. I do have to believe that she felt no pain or otherwise I would lose what little piece of sanity I have. She had a lower pain tolerance than I do, and I cry at hangnails. My faith tells me that God was the first one who wept at her death. I hold to the belief that Julie exists in another form in another place. I am sorry about your son David. I am also sorry that I vented this morning. I just cannot believe that 17 months after this terrible tragedy my heart and my very being aches so much. Peace to all who journey this road. Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[starlight1]

Lynda...this is the place to vent as, at least in my case, no one else but other bereaved parents seem to understand.

I truly believe that someone came to be with our kids when they made their journey to the other side...God and/or someone sent from God (my belief is that my son\'s grandfather who he was close to and who passed one month before was there to cross him over). I believe with all my heart that our kids felt total and complete love and peace when they crossed over and that they were fine...without fear, without pain and full of love.

The only thing getting me through this is the belief that David is living a full and wonderful life on the other side. I wish he was here and I feel like I\'ve been given a life sentence but I do feel he\'s fine and that helps me so much. I read constantly about life after death, after death communications, spirituality, etc etc. It\'s my life raft on this stormy sea of despair.

If you're interested in reading any of this (you may have already)...the books I've found especially helpful are "Life After Life" and "Life After Loss" by Dr. Raymond Moody; and any books by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

Peace to all of us.

x

[daveydow1]

Hello Julesmom, Starlight1, and Griffinsmom,

I read with interest your posts. I agree that we, as parents, can

be haunted by thoughts and questions regarding how our dear children

died----were they consious?, Did they call out for us?, and Did they

know they were going to die? We were assured, by the head nursing

supervisor in the trauma center where our David was taken, that he

was unconsious when brought in, and never regained consiousness. He

died of blunt force trauma and internal hemmorhage. At this point in

my grief, I cannot think that there was any way that he could be consious

after such a horrific accident. The 40,000 lb. semi truck literally

ran over his car. The driver of the truck was asleep at the wheel, and

witnesses said that he must have been going 60 mph. We never saw David

at the hospital, as he died within 1 hr. after being flown in. The truck driver had not a scratch, but sent 20 people to the hospital.

On the subject of almost wishing that we could cross over so we can

be with our children: I too wish it, and then feel guilty. However, I

do feel more like crossing over than I feel guilt about wishing to cross.

I wish for peace for everyone on this site. It is the only place where

people in our shoes can come and honestly express their feelings. We

don't dare do that with our friends and family, usually, because they

get upset, worry about us, or think that we should "be over that by now".

We must all take our time with this terrible grief that has befallen

us, and if other people don't understand, that's for them to worry about. We have enough to deal with. Prayers for everyone here.

Daveysmom (for Davey 9/26/71----6/14/03

[ashleysmom]

I too worry about Ashleys last minutes here on earth. My biggest fear was that she cried for me and I wasn't there. Ashley's accident report states that she died instantly, I saw the injuries. Ashley's neck was broken at the base of her skull, I know in my heart that she died instantly, yet I still am haunted. Now I see that the medical examiners office in New Hampshire is being investigated and it makes me sick! The medical examiner didn't even want to come out to the scene and she certainly didn't do her job. When I read the medical examiners report it could have been talking about someone elses child. It stated she had no tattoos, but you could not see that her neck was broken without seeing her tattoo. It stated she did not have her ears pierced, she had four holes. Her height was way off, her weight was way off. It never mentions the bruising on the left side of her neck, yet it states many times that she was an unrestrained driver. She had many "seatbelt injuries", yet like I said, they say she was an unrestrained driver. The medical examiner never took the time that my child deserved to find out what happened to her. She was so sure, because it was the 4th of July, that drugs or alcohol was the cause, so she never investigated. Well, the toxicology report came back negative, now what? I will never know why Ashley fell so deeply asleep. Thanks for listening. I hope we all find some peace, Dottie

[starlight1]

Dottie...there were also several discrepencies in what the accident report, medical report and what the reporting officer told me. Since the kid driving David\'s car had an over the legal limit of alcohol in his system, this also became a vehicular manslaughter case. The accident report said David was not seatbelt, however his friend who remained conscious through the accident said David was definately wearing a seatbelt and the reporting officer also told confirmed this. I believe he was since there were two that said he was and just the impersonal accident report that said he wasn\'t. I know they deal with these tragedies on a daily basis but I wish they didn\'t lose touch with their humanity...did they not think at all about the young life that was so prematurally and tragically cut short and the heartbroken loves ones left behind? In your case, Dottie...how could they NOT pay attention to details such as her tattoo and pierced ears? Seems like that should be elementary in the recording of details.

I just wish so much that somehow I could have changed places with him in that damn car and it would\'ve been me...not him.

There must be a way for us to get some peace someday. We deserve it.

-Sandy

x

[julsmom]

to all who have posted - thank you. Reading about the errors in the reports I am so sorry that this happened to you. When Julie died, she had no ID on her (long story) and in a very round about way we received word to call the hospital/coronor where she was. The coronor kept asking about identifying marks, like tattoos, which we kept saying no to. It was at her funeral that I learned that she had a tattoo of a dove on her upper thigh (even her brother kept this information from me when she had it done). I can't help but think that the coronor must have thought I really didn't know my daughter well. But she knew I had strong opinions about tattoos so kept that bit of her to herself. Peace to all who travel here.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[roxannelp811]

I do not even know where to start. Reading the posts all bring everything so real. Our son died on Feb 20, 2005 he was 39 years old. We do not know what he died of, went to bed, had trouble breathing and by the time his wife called 911 he was dead. No autopsy. Not sure how it would help but not knowing leaves many questions. We have two other adult children, 32 and 21. The 32 year old leaves about 5 hours from us and the 21 year old at home. Our son lived in NC, 10 hours away with his wife and our 8 year old granddaughter.

Jimmy was actually my stepson but he has been a part of my life for 22 years. In the last five years we have developed a close and supportive relationship which is now over. How do I grieve when my husband and other children are grieveing? My stepdaughter, 32, lost her mom 1.5 years ago. She is so angry. We have been blessed with a church that is supportive and wonderful. While we get comfort from knowing Jimmy is in heaven the grief is so overwelming. How do we get through this?

[julsmom]

roxannelp811 - I am so sorry for your loss. You asked how do you grieve while your husband and other children grieve - you must grieve together and support one another. If your church family is very supportative then rely on them as much as possible - they helped us so much when our daughter died. Some days you can only breathe and live for the next 30 seconds. Know that in time healing will begin to take place. May you find peace.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[daveydow1]

Roxannelp811,

So very sorry to hear of your dear step-son, Jimmy's, death in

Feb./' 05. As Julesmom said, it is good if your family can grieve

together over your loss, and help each other. Also, it is good

that you have a supporting church family to help you. I pray that

you and your family can find some comfort in the coming months.

Please come back to this site and post whenever you can. All of

us here knows the pain & heartache of losing a child, and we

understand. This site has helped me in the loss of my son, David,

and I hope that it can help you in some way also. Peace be with you.

[starlight1]

Roxanne, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. My husband is also my son\'s stepdad and there are issues that he's had to deal with outside of the normal grief process (if there is any actual normals). We looked high and low for info. on books specific to stepparents and their loss experience but could only find a few references. My husband has expressed an interest in writing a book (or at least an article) on this unique experience and hopefully will do so someday as I think it's a need that's not being addressed at this time.

Please do not think I'm minimizing your grief because I'm not...it's just that my husband has had to deal with insensativity from others who act as if he really doesn't count or he gets ignored all together. I hope that hasn't been your experience.

Again, my thoughts are with you. I lost my 19 year old son in an auto accident almost one year ago and my heart is broken forever.

Hugs,

Sandy

[starlight1]

I'm coming up on two joint anniversaries and my son's birthday. He passed on April 11 which was Easter Sunday last year. Easter is in March this year but still represents the day David died...then we get the actual date, April 11 coming up right after that. Four days later is his 21st birthday...one he'd been waiting on with eager anticipation...not he'll celebrate it on the other side.

When does this desperation ever end..the total sadness, agony of life as we live it now? I keep from losing my mind by thinking about how my David is living his life on the other side and I believe that is absolutely the case. Although it helps me get from day to day, underneath it all the missing him, the horror of his passing before me...will always be there. I wonder, will I ever, truly stop wanting to die NOW so I can join him? I feel terribly guilty and terribly selfish for wanting this. My poor daughter would be devistated...isn\'t enough that she\'s had to deal with the death of her little brother and only sibling, but then she\'d lose her mom too? My poor husband...we\'ve been married under two years but in that time he\'s had to deal with my breast cancer and the worst thing...my son\'s death. My parents...I know the pain of losing a child...how could I wish anything that would put them through that kind of pain...and my own sister, how sad she\'d be. However, I can\'t help but hope my cancer comes back and lets me join my son and stop this pain! Does one really, ever get past this hopelessness? When most people in my position (in cancer remission) have any symptoms, they panic and feel horrified. I feel a sense of comfort from it and hope that is has come back and there will be an end to this pain and joyless life. No one knows I feel this way...I don\'t appear to. I can laugh, go to movies, even went to a comedy club the other night and had a good time...but under all of it is the ever present sadness...the huge piece torn out of my heart and soul forever. Does this ever truly stop? Do you ever want to live again? Will wearing this ever present mask be forever necessary?

I try not to let these feelings take over and when they start coming to the surface, I get my fix of life after death stores, ADCs, NDE stories, etc which helps a bit...but it\'s always there. Living this half-life with my mask firmly affixed until I get the occasional moment to myself when I can let it out.

Sorry for the long post but I\'m just so tired of the grief, so tired of the sadness, so tired of being without my boy. I miss him so much, miss hearing his voice, laughing at his jokes, seeing that beautiful smile...and hearing him say...Love ya momma.

I'm just so tired...

[JennsMom]

It was 13 months ago on Friday that I lost my beautiful Jenn at the age of 21. The grief will always be there along with the pain. She was my only child and my best friend. As she got older we would talk on the phone everyday just to catch up. Now those calls have stopped. She so loved life and that is what is keeping me going everyday. I know she would not want me to die so that we can be together again as she is with me everyday and everywhere I go. That is what is keeping me going.

I do have my moments, mostly late at night when I cry my heart out from missing her but I don't let my grief rule my life. WE can't let that happen, our children would not want that! I am doing volunteer work for an organ and tissue organization in her name and tell her story to anyone who will listen. I feel that by donating her eyes and tissues a part of her is still living. So if someway I can help save other lives, out of tragedy, there is hope for others.

For those who were not able to be with your child when they passed, It is not any easier being there. Jenn died in my arms after lossing so much blood that her heart gave out. She died from having her tonsils removed and according to the experts, a possible blood clot came loose (5 days after the surgery) and she hemmorged to death. I felt her spirt leave when the perimedics touched her. Yet it took them 3 hours to tell me she was gone after we reached the hospital. There was a lot of pain, anger,and numbness along with guilt. Should I have taken her to the hospital when she was throwing up and the doctors told her not to come in unless she was bleeding? Should I have forced the issue? All I know is that I can't go back and change things but I can go forward to change how the "Standard of Care" certain hosptials have is improved. I have to fight for what is right.

My step-daughter is getting married in May, something my Jenn will never be able to experience and that is very hard for me. Jenn and I had talked many times about her dream wedding and her someday making me a gradma. The hard part is that my step-daughter doesn't want my help with anything even though I have offered. She did ask me earlier to help find a photograher, I was doing everything from getting estimates and availablilty then she came back to me and said she had changed her mind now she doesn't want a photographer. Is it wrong of me to be angry at her? This was going to be my one chance to experience the joy of helping with a childs wedding.

Sorry for the ranting and the long post. I know I haven't posted much but needed to say something.

[julsmom]

JennsMom-I'm so sorry that your stepdaughter will not let you help with wedding plans. I cannot believe that I will never plan my daughter's wedding. And while I have a surviving son when he gets married, I know the planning will not be the same.

I HATE Mondays. It is the only day of the week I am alone. Julie died on a Monday (17 months and 1 day ago). It is when that overwhelming grief of "Oh my God, she is not coming home" happens. There will be no phone calls to interupt our dinner no matter what time we eat. There will be no discussions about her students, her friends, her life. She will not be here to help me after surgery. It is so hard, so terribly hard.

I don't think that those of us who think of dying would actually do something to ourselves. And I don't think that I would ignore warning signs of a serious illness. But there is something seductive in the thought of being with Julie again. But reality brings be back, a husband, a son, and other family and friends and that death truly is not the answer. I've seen too many postings by grieving folks. So as JennsMom says, we stay pro-active. Live as Julie would have us live. Pray for peace in our lives.

Peace to all who journey here. Lynda for Julie (12/15/75-10/13/03)

[lauraa]

Dear Starlite,

Though I have never lost a child I have lost a 5 yr. old brother, both parents and my dear husband. I really feel for you and your profound grieving for your son. I understand the debths of how you feel and I think they are completely normal. I also think, "we grieve as deep as we loved". So, how could we possibly get over this kind of loss in a short time. I also put on a mask but as soon as I am alone whether it be in the car driving or at home I cry. It is such an unbelievable and horrible experience to loose the ones we love so dearly and it takes forever with just thinking/accepting the fact that they are gone....it a crazy like feeling...no wonder we have anxiety! I think the thought of dying probally crosses all of our minds from time to time for alot of reasons...ie, it's the only way we can be with them again and it hurts so damn bad to live on without them. Even though they are scarey thoughts I do think given what we feel it is normal but I think we have to keep a watchful eye on ourselves as if we were our own child and take good care. When I get as low as I can go I always think of my husband and I know in my heart of hearts that he would be so sad to see me feeling so sad. And somehow I gain strength with that thought and go on for him and in his loving memory. There is alot of work I need to do in order to honor him and his legacy and increase public awareness about his loss. Know your dear son is in the most beautiful place imaginable with the brightest light and a peace that is indescribable....and happy, not in pain, not sich, not sad, and with god and all his children. I did have a Near Death Experience (near drowning) and I am here to tell you that I was in that white light and I felt the peace and surrenity that you read about and I was passing willingly and it was alright but god had a different plan for me. It is all so hard and I totally wish you and everyone else here peace...Keep writing...it helps. God comforts those who mourn and he will not abandon us.........................................................

Laura

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

it is 20 months today that my girl died. It was a Monday as well. She was hit by the Amtrak the Tuesday prior, and lingered for 6 days. She lingered it seemed to me, to wait for her friends to get to Michigan in time to say goodbye. She waited until the boy she had fallen in love with got back to michigan from Atlanta. She waited because that is how she was. Like many of you, the knowing that my girl would hate it if I remained immersed in the depths of pain and cheers us on when we get real low. I agree that keeping a watchful eye is mandatory, and it is strength giving when we think of our lost loves pushing us on to live fully. Living fully is not the same as it used to be, but all things are now so go for it.

In the spirit of Erica Eileen, peace, laughter, and more laughter.

love,

dee

[sinistervisions]

Hello,

My name is Jennifer(age 23), My Husband is Kevin (age 31) and we are from Indiana.We also know what it is like to lose a child...here is our story. Kevin asked me to marry him on July 4th, 1997 & it would prove to be one of the most exciting times in my life , I turned sixteen on July 6 th, 1997 and I got pregnant around July 21st, 1997. After we had found out we were pregnant we thought the next thing we should do is forget about our plans of having a wedding when I turned eighteen and go for it. We found a place of to rent that we were pretty excited about moving into to. I was still living at my mother's house & in the process of moving just as soon as Kevin got off work and would come to pick me up afterwards. My sister and I got into a heated arguement over a chair no less. I had gotten up to go get some water because I felt sick (morning sickness). I came back from getting a drink and I was feeling dizzy. My sister had sat in my chair and decided to get in my face to tell me off because of jealousy over me moving out, being pregnant, getting my own place & getting married.She kicked me in the stomach that day which was September 6 th, 1997, I cramped for two days & I started to miscarry on September 8th, 1997. On Septemeber 8th Kevin had gone to work and I was standing in the kitchen mopping the floor when I realized my pants were wet. I seen that I was bleeding a freaked out not knowing what to do and having no phone...I walked to several houses and knocked on doors but got no answer. We had just moved in and were supposed to have the phone on the next day. I walked across town to my mother's (5 blocks) nad ran into a few friends of mine infront of my mother's who went inside and called 911. My mother wasn't home at the time. When the ambulance took me to the hospital they called Kevin who rushed right there in a few minutes. He dropped to his knees and put his head right into my bloody lap in the E.R., we cried together.It lasted for 3 weeks and 4 days. Kevin and I got married September 12th, 1997. We got married while I was having the miscarriage. I had a D & C on October 1st, 1997 which later would be the cause of my other two children's deaths.

The Loss Of Our Son

A few months had passed and we were laying in bed and Kevin put his hand on my belly and made the comment of how he thought I might be pregnant. It was just a few days after Christmas when we found out we were pregnant, we were both so happy! My due date was September 4, 1998. We decided we would move again because we found a nicer place to live and it was out in the country. We moved out here January 8, 1998. I got my first ultrasound at 13 weeks pregnant on February 24, 1998. The baby looked healthy and there didn't seem to be any problems. On April 27th I started feeling cramping and felt like there was something wrong . I called a doctor and they assured me everything was okay and kept telling me that they had just checked me a couple days before and that the baby was fine. I asked them if they could do another ultrasound and they said they would not do another ultrasound just because I felt like something was wrong. April 29th, 1998 around 12 a.m.-I was setting on the couch watching t.v. with my husband when I felt pain in my back and it kept coming and going. I told Kevin and he said it was probably nothing. I went to the bathroom and checked myself with some toilet paper & It was pink-like blood (my plug). I told Kevin and we went to the hospital. They told me there was nothing they could do and that I was in labor and they couldn't stop it. We were so scared and worried. Kevin's Mom, My Mom, and my sister came to the hospital. Kevin's sister-in-law also came to the hospital but his brother wouldn't come because he thought I was only doing this for attention. Hours passed and I refused to push even though I was dialated enough for the baby to come. I wouldn't push because I was afraid that when the baby came he or she may not be alive. The doctor and nurses started getting angry and left the room. They were wanting to do a C-Section and Kevin and my mom told the doctors that I could do it on my own. After many hours of pain and suffering I couldn't take it anymore! I was losing my mind and saying that I just wanted to die. I delivered a the baby with only me, Kevin and a nurse in the room. I asked the nurse if he was alive and her only words were no and she left the room in a hurry. I picked him up and handed him to Kevin. I held him right after and was left with him a short while when the doctor came in and told me what had happend. Kevin Lyn Yeck, Jr. was born sleeping on April 29, 1998 at 8:38 a.m. He was 22 1/2 Weeks Gestation and weighed 1 lb. 1 oz. and measured 11 1/2 in. His cause of death was later determined by autopsy and was said to have had (Abdominal Wall Defect)"A Small Isolated Omphalocele That Ruptured." This is rare and is 1 in every 6,000 live births. The fact that his birth defect was isolated...meaning that he had no other birth defects makes it a 1 in 100 chance of a re-accurance. Most babies with this condition almost always have other birth defects. To explain what this is-Omphalocele is protruding loops of bowel with a covering membrane (sac) and his sac ruptured. A baby born without a covering membrane-Gastroschisis. There is nothing that the mother did to cause this.We only held our son for an hour or so and only have about 6 pictures of him His funeral was very small and Kevin's brother did the funeral. If I would have known he said those things about me trying to get attention, I would never have asked him to do his funeral.He was laid to rest May 1, 1998 .

The Loss Of Our Daughter

Two Years had passed since the loss of my beloved baby boy and I wasn't even thinking about having another baby any time soon. November 28 th, 2000 brought a big shock when I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. She was moving around all the time and was a very active baby in the womb I went all my appointments and this pregnacy seemed different. March 3rd, 2001- I went to the bathroom and I felt something start to bulge out of my vagina. I yelled for Kevin and he came running into the bathroom and I asked him to look between my legs, sure enough he seen it! It was my bag of waters! I started crying and managed to pull myself together to get some clothes on because I had just woke up. We rushed over to the hospital and they told me they couldn't do anything for me and that they would have to transfer me to another hospital that was 45 minutes away. I was scared and worried for my baby. For comfort they let me listen to my baby's heartbeat to assure me that the baby was okay until the ambulance got there to take me to Lafayette. Kevin could not ride with me in the ambulance so he rode with his parents and arrived just 5-10 minutes after I did. A Doctor walked in who was assigned to our case and told us he knew what the problem was...it was "Cervical Incompetence." It was caused by my D & C that I had when I had miscarried. It apparently left scaring that weakend my cervix. I was told that it was probably also the cause of my son's death as well. He told me the odds of my baby surviving were only 10%. I didn't like my baby's odds but the doctor was honest with us, he told me that it could have been prevented if my doctors would have payed attention. I layed in the hospital bed for 13 hours with my bag of waters bulging out and all the time listening to my baby move around and listening to her heartbeat. They were giving me Demoral for the pain and around 5:52 a.m on March 4, 2001 I started to vomit from all the Demoral and my bag of waters broke and the baby started to come out. She got stuck and they came in and gave me this insert to relax my cervix and told me it could take up to an hour for it to start working. The doctor left the room and about 5 minutes later I told Kevin I felt like pushing and he told me to go for it . I delivered a little girl, she weighed 10 oz. and measured 9 1/4 in. We got to spend 13-14 hours with Emily and they gave me clothes to dress her in, clothes for her funeral, baby blankies she touched and was wrapped in, and took dozens of pictures for me. We also took pictures and even have about 5 minutes of her on tape. Her funeral was so beautiful and she had lots of pink flowers. We even got to go in by ourselves and see Emily the day before her funeral. Emily's funeral was on March 7th, 2001 and she is now buried next to her big brother Kevin, Jr. They give me a 90% of carrying a child to term with my cervix sewed.

We have no surviving children.

http://www.geocities.com/remember_us_with_love/index.html

[starlight1]

Lauraa, thank you for your post. I'm so sorry for all the sadness and trauma you've had to experience as well. Thanks also for mentioning your NDE...I find them to be fascinating. Reading about people's NDEs was one of the first positive things I did after my son passed...I found great hope in them and still do. They've also were the beginning of my new spiritual beliefs, which now help me to endeavor through this tragedy. Please can you tell us anymore about what you experienced? If that's too personal, I understand, but if this is something you wouldn't mind sharing, I think it would be very helpful.

Sorry for my outburst about my illness ...I don't usually talk about it in this respect (the ladies on my breast cancer forum would probably be disgusted with me) and the dark wishes that cross my mind sometimes. I would never ignore any signs that I was out of remission and would seek medical care if I did notice any. I think many of us have a bit of a death wish for ourselves when we suffer like this - to end the pain and to be reunited with our child. This board is really the only place I can take the mask off for a short respite and let out the pain. In my every day life, I really cannot express it much, as I know you all understand. The rest of the world does not and will not deal with it. It's very cathartic to be able to post on this site and let it all out sometimes. Then the mask goes on and we go back to the lives we now lead.

The only way I can make it through this whole, horrifying situation is knowing that I will be with my son again. I don't know how I could keep my sanity without that knowledge.

-Sandy

[hnh1992]

I am new here and this is my first post. I lost my adult son, Randy, three years ago today. He was the joy of my life always making me laugh and cherring meup when I had a bad day. I have not been able to grieve for him because I am a caregiver for my Mom who is late stage Alzheimer's. I can't completely break down because I am always "on duty". I have other children and their families but everyone is scattered. I feel like I have lost everything and with my Mom there is still more ahead. I feel so empty. My husband and I talk very little about Randy for fear of making the other sad. I want so much to just cry until I can't cry anymore but I can't allow myself to break down. I hurt so much it is almost unbearable and I know that this will never end. Everyone else goes on and life returns to normal but for me it will never end. Time doesn't heal all wounds but teaches us to live with the pain. Thanks for letting me post here,.. I just needed to get this out there. Elizabeth

[BIJulie]

Elizabeth,

I am so sorry for your loss and the stress you are going through. Thank you for sharing your feelings! It helps not only you but also all of us! I hope you will continue to come back and be a part of our wonderful community!

Most Sincerely,

Julie

[donosmom]

HnH1992,

I really appreciate the way you put “Time doesn't heal all wounds but teaches us to live with the pain”. That is so true. I have searched for the right wording to the platitude that time heals.

It has been 20 months since my son Matthew died and I understand how life returns for everyone but us. Fortunately, my husband and I talk frequently about Matthew and that has helped me I must admit I have been a little surprised, my husband has always been very private and keeps things to himself. We have also become close to 2 of Matthews organ recipients and they always want to hear about him, so when everyone else has moved on they are still walking with us. That has been a great blessing.

Please keep coming here it is a great place to vent, ask questions and learn from others that we are not crazy and what we feel is real. I don’t post often but I read everyday and I get a great deal of support from everyone here.

Matthews Mom Mary

11-3-79 – 7-13-2003

[BIJulie]

Mary,

Thank you so much for sharing. I don't think you you are ever the same once you have lost a child. While I am terribly sorry for your loss, I am so happy that you and your husband are able to communicate and share your feelings. It helps so much to have someone to go through the loss with.

Take Care,

Julie

[Mazey2]

Hnh, your comment about...time doesn't heal all wounds, .....is so right!! I, too, lost my young adult son, will be 3 years on April 3rd. I am sorry you haven't had the time to really mourn. I do think it is part of the grieving process we must go thru. I use to come here at least every day, sometimes a couple times a day cuz it really helped. I come infrequently now, I guess I am stronger, able to live with the pain ?easier? now???? It's like a broken bone, maybe heals to some degree, but is never the same....we learn to live with it.

But, there are certainly many days that it "acts up" and hurts just as bad as when it was originally injured. Plus, the other emotions that go with it.

Now, when I do visit, there are always new people here who are experiencing the journey....and I ache for them. Time can help...and the realization our kids would not want us to continue to mourn to the point of an unbearable life, or the inability to enjoy the loved ones still here.... Sharing....Linda

[griffinsmom]

...Just thought I'd share this- I found it during my internet travels. You can visit my sons website at www.memory-of.com, and type in Griffin Schwartz.

Mom-

Please do not think that your life here is over because it was time for me to leave:

You have been presented with such an opportunity to learn and find joy again, even when grief lies in your heart.This is the most divine mission that anyone can ever achieve here:

Do not let a single breath go to waste.I am much closer to you now than I could have ever been here:I am the very air that you breathe. I have been with you on the days that you could not get out of bed... on the days that you prayed to take your last breath: I am SO VERY PROUD that you made it this far. I caress your face in your sleep and send you signals all day just to let you know that I am only a thought away!

You are STILL MY MOTHER!! Space and Time cannot affect love and I do love you more than words can say!! But it saddens me to think that 1 day out of the thousands that I have lived,the day my physical body died is the day that comes to your mind when you think of me.

We have had such a legacy of memories. Good and bad , Happy and Sad, Silly and serious! What about my crooked smile or the sound of my laughter?? What I want for you more than anything is to TRULY LIVE, BOLDLY LIVE.... with me always in your heart! You can do this! I want you too!!

The vast amount of love that you hold for me DOES NOT require an equal amount of grief. It is actually a testament to how much you love me to let go of your grief and find joy again!!

Letting go of your grief DOES NOT mean that you are letting go of me! It actually means that you will be open to a much closer relationship with me! I have sent you so many signs that you do not see because of your grief.

It is time to step back on your path Dear Mother. I will ALWAYS BE WALKING BESIDE YOU!!!!!!! MAKE ME PROUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your Loving Child

[heartbrokendad]

DEar Griffinsmom,

Thank you, I had to go and order my childrens gravestone Saturday, and this has been a wonderful thing to read today...

[ashleysmom]

Stu,

Must have been a tough day on Saturday. I remember being obsessed with the stone, but now its there, that's it, it's permanent. The one thing that was a comfort is that my name is also on the stone.

Griffinsmom,

Thankyou for the comforting letter. I will be reading it often as a reminder that Ashley is close.

Ashley's birthday is a month away and it's all I can think of. After her birthday is Mother's day, graduation, then the fourth of July is the one year. I am so anxious all the time. These next couple of months have scared me since the accident. I usually have some time to prepare?, get through? before the next special day roles in. Not so with these next couple of months. The only thing I can say is it will be Spring! That at least is something to look forward to. I go to Ashley's grave right now and it is covered with snow. I can't get all of the Christmas decorations off because they are frozen. I was able to get some of them off because the last couple of days have been nice. So I have a mixture of Christmas and Easter on her grave. Oh well, thanks for listening... Peace to all, Dottie

[starlight1]

Stu...I'm glad you have the ordering of the headstone done now. I found that so difficult when I ordered David's. I just couldn't find the right words but eventually did.

Griffsmom, thanks for the letter...it really spoke to me. I'll pass it on to another mom who will find some comfort from it too I hope.

Hugs,

Sandy

[julsmom]

Stu - ordering Julie's headstone and then seeing it on her grave was awful. I kept thinking that would be the last thing I would ever buy her. I envy those of you who can go to cemetary often. It is too hard for me and I do not go often. I will go this week since the Easter decoration we ordered has been placed. My husband goes every week I think, maybe more. He doesn't tell me because I think he would like to protect me as much as possible. This has been hard week, I have tendonitis in my knee and since I can't work or walk much I have way toooooo much time to think. Peace to all who journey this path.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[briansdad]

My son Brian was killed on his motorcycle Sept 30 2004 and I'm coming up to his birthday April 19 his 25th,our first with out him.I don't know how to approach this.I want to celebrate his life but it hurts so bad that he's not here.How have others dealt with this I'd like to know.

I miss ya B

Dad

[julsmom]

Briansdad - we celebrated Julie's 29th birthday on 12/15/03 the first one without her at dinner with some friends in their home. I have seen other postings on this site about letting balloons go, celebrating with their child's friends, whatever feels good. Julie lived out of town so we couldn't celebrate with her friends, although I do know a couple of them got together. May you find peace as you travel this road.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

[egorsmom2]

...Just thought I'd share this- I found it during my internet travels. You can visit my sons website at www.memory-of.com, and type in Griffin Schwartz.

Mom-

Please do not think that your life here is over because it was time for me to leave:

You have been presented with such an opportunity to learn and find joy again, even when grief lies in your heart.This is the most divine mission that anyone can ever achieve here:

Do not let a single breath go to waste.I am much closer to you now than I could have ever been here:I am the very air that you breathe. I have been with you on the days that you could not get out of bed... on the days that you prayed to take your last breath: I am SO VERY PROUD that you made it this far. I caress your face in your sleep and send you signals all day just to let you know that I am only a thought away!

You are STILL MY MOTHER!! Space and Time cannot affect love and I do love you more than words can say!! But it saddens me to think that 1 day out of the thousands that I have lived,the day my physical body died is the day that comes to your mind when you think of me.

We have had such a legacy of memories. Good and bad , Happy and Sad, Silly and serious! What about my crooked smile or the sound of my laughter?? What I want for you more than anything is to TRULY LIVE, BOLDLY LIVE.... with me always in your heart! You can do this! I want you too!!

The vast amount of love that you hold for me DOES NOT require an equal amount of grief. It is actually a testament to how much you love me to let go of your grief and find joy again!!

Letting go of your grief DOES NOT mean that you are letting go of me! It actually means that you will be open to a much closer relationship with me! I have sent you so many signs that you do not see because of your grief.

It is time to step back on your path Dear Mother. I will ALWAYS BE WALKING BESIDE YOU!!!!!!! MAKE ME PROUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your Loving Child

[Artina]

Briansdad,

I am sorry for your loss. It is very difficult to get through a day that celebrates our child's life. I found that the days leading up to my son's birthday were actually more difficult than the day itself. I think we feel like we have to do something "profound", which leads to alot of anxiety. I have given myself permission to "do" something in honor of my son's birthday, after his birthday. We give ourselves a couple of months to come up with something that makes us feel like we have honored his birthday. Basically, we have Chris's favorite meal and cake on his birthday and save the rest for a stronger day.

Do what feels right for you and your family. Everybody has special ways to celebrate and the best advice I can give is to do what feels right for you and your family.

Peace to you, Tina

[BIJulie]

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

So sorry to hear of your son's passing in Sept. '04.

My son, David, died in an accident in June '03. For

his birthday, and the anniversary of his passing, we

put a memoriam notice in the local newspapers with a

suitable poem or verse, along with his picture. This

is about all we can do, as we are not able to plan

anything else. I hope you can find some comfort in

whatever way you choose to remember his birthday.

Peace be with you.

[mindiddy]

I've never posted here but have been reading since my son Elliot, 26, died in September. I just wanted to say "Bravo" to you Mitch. Your speech is beautifully written and I'm sure it will inspire and comfort many.