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Loss of an Adult Child


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heartbrokendad

Dear Dottie,

We celebrate the birth of our children, not their birthday, at least thats how I feel, and this year I will be playing a recording of Carrie singing at her brothers wedding, she sang all her life, did dinner thearter, community plays, weddings, etc etc, and has a beautiful voice. On the video she sings "take my breath away", and thats how I feel when I hear her. And to see her as well, is really hard.

I wish Matthew had sung also. He was busy dancing with all the women.

Paece to you.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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Your David's name is on my running shirt, along with forty-seven other names. Yesterday morning, I ran my last long training run in preparation for the Cowtown Marathon on February 26. I was able to run 20 miles in 4 hours and 5 minutes. I'm praying for good weather, to stay healthy, and to FINISH.

My running number is 1003. You can check on my progress by entering my number on the following web site.

http://myraceresults.com/sites/cowtownmarathon/index.asp

Somehow, also, I am hoping that the marathon will clear my mind and face of the "haunted look" that I am sure others see in me. Mainly, I need to surround myself with positive and encouraging people. Thank you for being one of those!

Take care,

Wanda - Keith' Mother - AKA Runningramma

Thank you Wanda! You are a source of inspiration to me. You have been so kind to include David's name in your Memorial for the Children and the marathon...I hope you do know just how much this means. I will definately keep up with your progress and I know your Keith is doing the same! He must be so proud of you!

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justin4ever

Jscmom - I guess at first I felt that maybe it was a little silly to celebrate my son's 24th birthday, or maybe it meant I was in denial, but then I realized that what I was really celebrating was the birth of my son (like Heartbrokendad said), and my son's presence in my life, on this earth, all the things I learned from him, all the good things. As it turned out it really wasn't much of a "celebration" but I did spend the day with my sister, my daughters, I made cupcakes that were my son's favorite, and we talked about him a lot. It was hard, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I just couldn't let the day go by unnoticed.

Wanda - thanks so much for the wonderful things you do for all of us. I'll be with you in spirit the day of the run. Thanks so much for including Justin (K)'s name.

Bloodbrother - I'm so sorry about your son. This grief road is terrible, but I have found so much confort and strength here. Please keep coming back. I'll be thinking of you and Dustin on the 20th.

I am thinking about sponsoring a child from the tsunami region through Worldvision. I am considering finding a child who was born on my son's birthdate, so that it is in his honor, and so that we all have something positive to think about on that date. I'm just wondering though, does that seem too weird or morbid?

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Bloodbrother,

My thoughts & prayers are for you in the loss of your son Dustin.

Everyone here understands your grief. Peace be with you.

Jcsmom,

I have mixed feelings about what to do about birthdays. We have kept

it very low-key on David's birthday--just went to the cemetery and

placed flowers & sm. objects on his grave. I agree with everyone else--

our children will always be young. Everyone here on earth ages year

by year, but our beloved children in heaven will be forever young.

Peace be with you.

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Stu,

I agree with you. I will be celebrating the birth of Ashley in April as well as the life she lived. I have her graduation tape and I have never viewed it. I tried to, but I just couldn't. I just think that seeing her so full of life will kill me. I look at her pictures everyday and think "how can she be gone" I have her picture hanging from my rearview mirror in my car, on my locker at work, and all over my house. I had a tattoo of Ashley with angel wings (of heaven) and Crystal with fairy wings (of this earth) tattooed on my back. I visit her grave every morning on my way to work and it is the last place I go at night. I can't imagine seeing her actually walking and talking and knowing that she isn't coming home to me. I pray for the strength to watch it, but it has not come yet. How long did it take you to be able to watch the tapes? Did you watch them alone? I thought I could do it the other day, but my VCR wouldn't play. I wonder if it was a sign that I just wasn't ready? Ashley died less than a month after she graduated. It just doesn't seem fair. She was so happy, so full of hope. I know everyone feels this way and I know that I'm rambling, I am missing her so much. It certainly hasn't gotten easier. Thanks for listening. Peace to you. Dottie

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heartbrokendad

Hi Dottie,

It took about 1 and a half years for me to watch Carrie Ann's wedding video, I taped it for myself, and each time she would see me with the camera, she would look at me, smile, and say "I love you dad". Can you imagine how that feels? Seeing your only daughter, first born child, who I walked down the aisle, both at her wedding, and at her funeral, and who I will never see again in this life time talking to me?

My youngest child, Matthew is also in the video, as he was an usher at the wedding, and he really puts on a show as well.

When you feel the moment is right, you will pop the tape into the machine, and find your child again. One thing, please get it put onto a dvd, they will last so much longer than a video tape.

Peace to you Dottie, and to your child.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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My daughter's birthday will be coming up in a couple of months - April 22nd (earth day). She will be 25 this year. She was 23 when she died. When she died I made a promise to myself and my family that I would never let her special days go by unnoticed or uncelebrated. On her birthday, I buy her a cake, with the "ILYTAPOHSS 4infinity3d" on it. That had been on her cakes since her birth. It means "I love you tons and piles of honey suckle soup forever cubed." I also place her picture on the table along with her urn and a vase of tiger lilies if I can find them. That was her favorite flower. My sister, sons and her daughter spend the day together and remember the good times.

On July 8th, the day she died we celebrate her life, short as it was. I place a memorial in the local paper so that others can remember as well.

On Christmas Day we have a family day which includes her.

On each of these days I buy a gift for her. Something that has to do with butterflies. They were also her favorite (my beautiful butterfly on her angel wings). I wrap them in bright beautiful paper with ribbons that I know that she would have loved. I then put them away at the end of the day for her daughter to unwrap and enjoy when she reaches the age of 18. She will be 3 next month. It warms my heart knowing that I can still do something for her in this small way. She would have been so excited and somehow that helps just knowing that.

ILYTAPOHSS 4infinity3d Darcia April 22, 1980 - July 8, 2003

MOM

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I am thinking about sponsoring a child from the tsunami region through Worldvision. I am considering finding a child who was born on my son\'s birthdate, so that it is in his honor, and so that we all have something positive to think about on that date. I\'m just wondering though, does that seem too weird or morbid?

Justin4Ever, I think sponsoring a child through WorldVision who shares your son's birthday is a wonderfully positive, life affirming act and I'm going to copy your idea and do the same. I don't think there's anything morbid about it at all and I'd bet your Justin is proud of you for thinking of it.

My son David's 21st birthday is April 15...four days after the first anniversary of his passing. I have decided to gather as many of his friends that I can, along with family, and release balloons at the cemetary. I'd like to play some of his favorite music and have people write messages to him on cards attached to the balloons. I also will include Forget-Me-Not seeds in the balloons so when they do land, some of the seeds will take root and flowers will grow in his memory. I read somewhere (maybe here!) about a mom who did this and I think it's a really nice way to remember him.

-Sandy

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I hate these waives of emotions. Almost 17 months after Julie's death there are too many highs and lows. I have always, always wanted an even keel in my life. There is a picture of her Dad and her under the glass on a desk in our computer room taken on the day she graduated from college, Mother's Day 1997. It so hard to think of all this potential lost. She would have been an excellent Language Arts teacher. Yesterday at church without realizing it I sat between two moms whose daughters will be married later this year. That coupled with the teenage girls singing "Sanctuary" which was sung at the memorial service for Julie at her home church, caused me to think I would "lose it" during the services, but managed to hold it together. I don't know if we will be invited to these weddings, but it will be so hard to go. I can't believe my beautiful daughter will never walk down an aisle, dance with her Dad and I would have had tears of joy instead of the tears of such incredible sorrow. I really thought I was doing better but today the tears are flowing. Thank you all for letting me vent.

May we all find the peace we seek. Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

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Well, I just did the Worldvision sponsor a child thing and what a thrill that is! When I went in to sponsor a boy on David's birthday, a little boy named Weliton who was born in 1994 (10 years later the David) and lives in Brazil (David's last name is Braziel) was the first one that came up! I know it was a message from David to me that this was the right thing to do! I'll get a packet with a photo and info. on this little boy, plus the opportunity to communicate with him by mail and even send him little gifts if we wish! David was always a big defender of the underdog this is exactly what he wants us to do. Thanks so much, Justin4ever's mom for this wonderful idea. You've given me a reason to smile today!

Hugs,

Sandy

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justin4ever

Starlight / Sandy -

Wow! Thank you for giving me a reason to smile today! I was wondering if anyone had even seen my question, thanks SO much for the feedback. I am just so very happy that you like the idea and acted on it! You made up my mind for me, lol. I'm going to do it asap.

I absolutely love the idea of the flower seeds in the balloons. Thank you :)

**hugs**

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I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE HERE WITH ALL OF THEIR GREIF, THAT I ALSO HAVE ALOT OF PAIN AND TEARS ALSO FOR THE LOSS OF MY SON MICHAEL, BUT I DON'T FEEL THAT I FIT IN WITH THIS WEB SITE, I HAVE ANOTHER ONE I USE AND SEEM TO FEEL BETTER BECAUSE THEY RESPOND TO MY GREIF ALSO. I HOPE ALL OF THE PEOPLE HERE HEAL IN TIME. THANKS FOR THE TIME AND SPACE HERE

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Missyou20,

Everyone is welcome here and please drop in anytime. I believe that each of us should use whatever support group, tool, resource, or medium we need to get through our grief struck life.

Peace to all, Tina

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For Matthews birthday in 2003 I put forget-me-not seeds in tissue with a little card on the end of balloons. I had our return address on them and we have received 2 of the cards back. Just make sure that the tissue paper and the note cards are very very light and maybe tie more than on balloon on them. We had to bunch some of them because I also laminated the cards and they were to heavy for just one.

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Hi Everyone,

Hi Bloodbrother, so sorry you are here, that you have lost your boy. My daughter died at 19, train hit her car in Kalamazoo Michigan, it was 19 months ago, July 8th 2003. She actually lived until the 14th. Nothing easy about the road you are on, but perhaps knowing you can come here and let others know of your heart...well it has helped us all so very much. WE did the baloons oN July 18th, the one year mark of ERica's funeral. WE had over 100 people in the yard, 19 balloons, notes written adn attatched with ribbons. We wept and realeased the pink and white balloons, and they hovered over our little birch tree that she loved, went higher, we ran down the driveway to watch and they hovered again looking like they may not make it over the giant elms, then when everyone held their breath, the sun shone right through them and they lifted with ease over the treetops, they flew off with our written hopes as wings. We all sighed at one time. WE released them at 3:40, thehour of day she took her last breath. Life is filled with her love, and therefore our ache, and our joy at knowing such a wonder child. May the struggles you have find there way to healing. Never worry that you will forget just a softening in memories of the hard stuff.

We go on because we are supposed to carrying them with us everywhere.

peace,

dee

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Stu,

I can't imagine what it is like to see your daughter talking to you, so alive and then realizing you will have to wait to see her again, as I am convinced that we will see our children again. My heart goes out to you. I have a few videos of my daughter when she was younger that I have yet to view. The graduation video is the one that scares me to watch because it was less than a month before she died. I don't know how to get the videos made into DVD's, but that is a great idea. Do you know where to bring them to have it done?

Peace to you today and always, Dottie

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heartbrokendad

Hi Dottie,

I, like you, believe that I will see them again,the sooner the better.

In the video, Carrie and Matthew dance together, and thats really hard to watch, but I also believe that they are together for always, and are waiting for me to join them...

peace and love to you and yours...

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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For Bloodbrother I am so sorry for the loss of your son may God help you and all who post here.

Dottie thank you for your respose. I am dreading 3/22/ John's marker is not there yet it won't be there for another couple of months back logged is the answer to that. I was thinking of getting 22 yellow ballons and letting them go at 11:27 am the time he was born. But to tell the truth I don't know if I can do it.

I did not go on Valentines Day I went the day before did not place a ballon saying happy Valentines day I placed one saying I love you. Today some actually told me that it will be easier in time...My first response was to say something mean but as the blood in mouth almost choked me I said NO it will not get easier in time it will be if anything it may be bearable.

I wish no one had to feel the loss we all do yet thank goodness we have somewhere to go.

Bless all of us dear Lord as we need your strength.

jscmom (loving and missing John forever)

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Starlight / Sandy -

Wow! Thank you for giving me a reason to smile today! I was wondering if anyone had even seen my question, thanks SO much for the feedback. I am just so very happy that you like the idea and acted on it! You made up my mind for me, lol. I'm going to do it asap.

I absolutely love the idea of the flower seeds in the balloons. Thank you :)

**hugs**

Thank YOU, Justin4Ever's Mom! One other thing about the balloons...another mom told me that the note cards that I'm going to attach to the balloons need to be really lightweight or the balloons won't go anywhere (makes sense. I've told some of my son's friends about it and they like the idea too. I was going to do this on the first anniversary of his crossing over but since his 21st birthday is four days after that, I've decided to do it on his birthday instead. His 21st is going to be a tough one for me as he was so anxious to get to this birthday (as most kids are).

-Sandy

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Stu,

What a great comfort to see your two children together and know at least that they are together still. I think sometimes of Ashley being alone or at least try to think of who she is with. When the accident first happened I really thought I needed to go with her so she wouldn't be alone. My Dad is with her and her cousin is with her. He was 20 when he died a year and a half before. One of her lifelong friends was also waiting for her. I, like you, sometimes think the sooner the better. Then I think of Crystal and know that she would be devastated.

jcsmom,

It took four months for Ashley's stone to come in, but that was with constant hounding. I really felt bad for the people who did her stone because we put so much pressure on them. We had designed a custom stone for her so it wasn't like they could put the pictures and the poems on and be done. We actually went to Vermont to see the stone being cut. I couldn't really go on until the stone was in place. It was like something left unfinished. We live so close to the cemetary that I could almost throw a rock and hit it, so I was constantly there. I still go at least twice a day.

I am going away to a conference in Tampa this weekend. It will be really strange not to be able to visit Ashley. I really have mixed feelings about going. I think I need a break and it may do me some good, then I think, I can't leave, I feel guilty. It is absolutely amazing to me how every thought, plan or anything I do somehow revolves around Ashley. Maybe because that is how it was before and I can't break the habit, I don't know. I used to be afraid to fly, afraid to die, not anymore. Now I know that if something happens, at least I will be going to be with Ashley. Peace to all, Dottie

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Stu,

I am reading my post and I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I know with my heart and soul that you would rather have your children here with you. I only meant that if they have to be gone, at least you have that picture of them together, dancing and you can picture them together in heaven dancing still. I try to picture what Ashley is doing right now and who she is with. It scares me to think of her alone, even though I know she is not alone, I worry. My heart goes out to you and yours, Dottie

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heartbrokendad

Dear Dottie,

You have no reason to feel soory for you letter, how sweet of you to write.

Your note says you worry about Ashley, DONT, I'm sure she is with Carrie, Matthew, and all the other wonderful children who have gone before their grieving parents.

I will play Carrie singing "Take my breath away" at the cemetary on her birthday, and play it loud.....

You know I never used to cry before my kids died....

Peace to you, and yours. Have a safe trip, and I know Ashley will be with you on your trip.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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Dottie...I had the same worries about my David being alone on the other side. Although his paternal grandfather passed over one month before David and they were close, I still worried that there was no one there (like his mom) to be there for him and help him through this enormous transition to a new life. David had been in the Navy for 18 months before his accident. Although he was very independant, he still needed his mom for advice and to help him with some decisions, etc. Now that's no longer possible. That's probably silly because he's the one now with the insight and knowledge that I won\'t have until I cross over...however I feel a huge void...I guess it's a difficult habit to break...that of being needed by your child. Now it's me that needs help from him.

I used to worry that he may have been frightened when his accident happened and he didn't have me there to help him cross over. I even worried that he may have not made it over and was still hanging around here confused and lost and I was ready to end my life here to bring him to the light - I hope that doesn't sound too crazy and I don't think I was actually suicidal but I couldn't bear the thought of him being lost and alone. However, I have received messages and signs from him that help me to believe that he\'s fine and with people who love him along with other young adults that he would have a lot in common with (that\'s also what a psychic told me). Anyway, like Stu has said, I also believe there may be a lot of our kids over there together on the other side watching over us and instigating connections between us over here as well.

I am also not afraid of dying at all. I have breast cancer and am in remission...before David passed, I used to worry about the cancer recurring but now I have no worries about that now because if it does, it means that I\'ll be with David again. I also feel guilty sometimes because it worries me about how horrible it would be for my husband and daughter to lose me so soon after losing David and I know they need me and I don\'t want to be separeted from them either (truly we live in two worlds) but I can\'t help but take comfort from the thought of being with David again and for this pain to end.

Hugs,

Sandy

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bloodbrother

Here is something kind of weird but cool.My step son Dustin passed away nov 25.His best friends dad brought us over some pictures and we sat and talked for a while.He told us how hard it was for him to lose his daughter after a fight with lukimia.He told us his son Brett was her doner so Dustin has part of his best friend up there with him.Pretty cool.I have also been writing to a freind I met on here and her son and Dustin have so much in commen we figure they are hanging out togather,probably with everyone elses kids that come here.Something makes us keep coming back here and in touch with each other,I think its our kids helping us.

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That is a nice story, Bloodbrother! I agree with you and think that our kids do nudge us to go to certain sites and connect with certain people. I am a sporadic poster here and will go awhile without being active and then, boom, I get the need to post. I think it's David's nudging me from over there!

Hugs,

Sandy

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I am so very upset, in our local news a crematorium has been found in use, that have awfull , ways of doing business, plus there is NO laws that regulate them in the state of new hampshire, only sujestions the funeral homes have put in their so called rules, but not a thing from the state, I am so totally u- set, I had no idea this was the case, now like many i am sure are wondering what happened to my shanes body, do i have his ashes, or some- one else's, i am just sick, just makes me sick.

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Starlight1,

I agree with your statement that we truly live in two worlds.

I have also felt, and said, that I don't fear death as I used

to. I believe that in our extreme state of sorrow, that we

somehow want to cross over so that we can be reunited with our

beloved lost children. I know I would feel sad for my other children

and husband if I were to die, but I still can't help longing

for the time I can see my son, and baby girl who died years ago.

I know that I won't do anything to hurry it up though. I guess

it is a good thing that we don't get to decide these events.

Your son, and mine have the same name----David. I hope they are

friends on the Other Side. Peace be with you.

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Shanes mom

I too was upset over the news about the shady business of the crematory. I had my daughter cremated. I was very fortunate that the funeral home that handled the service for my daughter was owned and operated by family members. They assured me that the crematory they used was the best in the state and that a metal number tag went in with the body and came out with the ashes for proper identification of the cremains. I have to trust that I have my child with me and not some other ashes. I would be devastated to find out they were not her ashes.

It is a sad day when the people that should be putting our emotions at ease would take advantage of people in this way. That is a downright mean thing to do. I would hope that they would feel some remorse for what they have done but unfortunately they probably only feel regret at getting caught. What is our world coming too?????? I wish I knew.

I hope that you too know somehow in your heart that you have your child's ashes.

ILYTAPOHSS 4INFINITY3D DARCIA 4/22/80 - 7/8/03

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Wanda - Congratulations!!! I saw your name on the list of finishers for the marathon. Way to go!! Thank you for running for all of us.

Peace, Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

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smiley63630

Hi,

Dont know if I am in the wright place here.

I lost another child yesterday, her name is Fontella, 43 years pld. I lost a son in 1960, a daughter Brenda in 1980, a daughter, Terry in 1997, a daughter Ginger , in 1998, and another one yesterday.

Help.

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smiley63630
Hi,

Dont know if I am in the wright place here.

I lost another child yesterday, her name is Fontella, 43 years pld. I lost a son in 1960, a daughter Brenda in 1980, a daughter, Terry in 1997, a daughter Ginger , in 1998, and another one yesterday.

Help.

I'm so sorry for you lose. What is going on? Why are you losing all your children?

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Starlight1,

I agree with your statement that we truly live in two worlds.

I have also felt, and said, that I don\'t fear death as I used

to. I believe that in our extreme state of sorrow, that we

somehow want to cross over so that we can be reunited with our

beloved lost children. I know I would feel sad for my other children

and husband if I were to die, but I still can\'t help longing

for the time I can see my son, and baby girl who died years ago.

I know that I won\'t do anything to hurry it up though. I guess

it is a good thing that we don\'t get to decide these events.

Your son, and mine have the same name----David. I hope they are

friends on the Other Side. Peace be with you.

Thank you Daveydow1. It\'s so comforting to know that others understand this strange double life we bereaved parents lead...that we can\'t talk to anyone else about except those who are going through the same pain. I\'ll bet our David\'s are buddies over there and are glad to see that we all connect through these sites. Peace be with you as well.

-Sandy

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Wanda...congratulations on finishing the marathon and for running for our kids. You are amazing....a great runner with a huge heart! Lots of hugs to you and thanks again. I know my David appreciates it too!

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missingchris

Let's keep two more grieving families in our prayers today. The familes of Sean Wilkinson and Clay McKemie of Rome, Georgia. They died during a high school kayaking trip off the coast of Florida. This hits close to our family's heart since our Christopher drowned in August. It's awful that every day new families join our club of sorrows, and begin a journey that , for me, is the worst thing that a mother could experience. I never knew a human being could feel like this and yet live. God bless all that read and post here.

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Hello Wanda,

Congratulations on finishing the Cowtown run. What a nice

accomplishment to be able to do the 26 mi. I think Keith,

and all our children were pleased to know this. Best wishes,

and peace be with you.

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Missingchris,

How sad that those two teens died in a kayaking accident. This

must be very difficult for you since your dear son died only

last Aug. My prayers are with you and with the families of those

dear teens. I agree that it is unbelievable that we can endure

all this pain and keep on breathing. It's a mystery how we are

able to carry on with such heartache. Peace be with you.

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Starlight1,

Thanks for your reply. I believe that our children have met,

and that they have lots to talk about. I don't know how old

your David was, but I don't think age matters on the other

side. I believe that my David met his sister, Lisa, on the

far shore. He was born just a year after she died--at 6 mo.

of age, but I still believe they would know each other somehow,

and that all our children are occupied and happy. Peace be

with you.

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Smiley63630,

It is too hard to put into words, the sadness that I feel

for you in the loss of 5 children over the years. I believe

you came to the right place--here at this site. Please come

back, and post whenever you are able. My heart goes out to

you, and my prayers are with you in your sorrow. Peace be

with you.

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Smiley63630,

I am so sorry for all your losses. One loss is too many; two losses is way, way too many; but to lose as many children as you is just unbelievable. I just don't understand it.

Please know that you are welcome here and we will try to support you in any way that we can.

Peace to you, Tina

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starlight1

Daveydow1,

My David was 19 years old, four days away from his 20th birthday when he passed last Easter. How old was your David? I agree I think the kids are together no matter what their ages. I'm so sorry that you had an earlier tragedy with the loss of his little sister Lisa. I do believe they are happy and it's probably us they feel sorry for living here in this difficult place when they're in the best place possible. Sure is hard to be here without them. I wish peace for you as well...I think we will eventually find some semblance of it but it sure is hard to imagine.

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daveydow1

Starlight1,

My son, David, was 31 yrs. old when he was killed by a truck

driver who fell asleep at the wheel and hit a line of stopped

traffic. David was single,(9/26/71---6/14/03) and just trying to make it in this world when that happened. He appeared to be a good bit younger

than his age, and loved music, movies, computers--he was a

certified technician, and loved pets of all kinds. Somehow, I

think that your David and mine could carry on a good conversation.

Yes, it is so difficult to carry on without them. It is an interesting

observation you gave, when you said that they might be looking

down on us here on earth and feel sorry for us to be here. I like

this site so much because I get so many thoughts that may never

have occured to me. Thanks for your reply. Peace be with you.

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ericasmom

Hello everyone, One day closer to spring as we are now in March. Isn't it odd that time moves as it does even when we are moving on a whole different level. A different speed or dimension.. Just seems odd to me and i guess I would have to say that time became very abstract with ERica's death 19 months ago. Since hitting the 1.5 year mark i am anticipating Eri's 21st birthday, our 2nd without her coming in April, and the two year mark of her leaving Earth in July and once agian, Time hits me in the heart. Sometimes i write the date and ffind i am writing 2003, the year she passed. The amount of energy it sometimes takes to go through a day and do daily things is amazing.

Smiley, i do not know the circumstances of your lossses only that you must be hurting terribly and i shall pray and hope that you feel your daughter's peace soon knowing she is with her siblings.

Wanda, you are a wonder, thank you for running for the kids, and congrats on this accomplishment.

While i know it is cold out i also know that under the frozen earth flowers prepare. Rebirth. May we all be wrapped in it.

peace,

dee

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daveydow1

Ericasmom,

I agree with you that sometimes time gets to be an almost

surreal thing in our pain. Your daughter left this world

just about a mo. after my David (6/14/03). Also, I completely

agree that it sometimes takes so much energy to just do the

daily things we have to do---let alone anything out of the

ordinary. Sometimes tasks seem to be so monumental when we

we are in such deep grief. Somehow,we manage to go on. My

heart goes out to you on Erica's approaching birthday. I

keep thinking of David as the same age he was on the day he

went to heaven. I pray that you can find some comfort somehow.

Peace be with you.

Daveysmom

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ericasmom

Hi Daveydow,

thanks for your words of comfort, I too think of Eri as the 19 year old she was, though i know how dearly she looked forward to this next birthday on April 4.She would have turned 21. She was born on 4-4-84. As it turns out, 4 is the holiest, most spiritual number in most native nations. 4 directions, 4 seasons, 4 types of animals,( 4 legged, swimmers, those with wings, and we 2 legged variety). Somehow allof her 4's and then a 14 in her heaven date leads to 4 fours. It is special to me. I know from previous posts that Davey left one month before ERi, i figure he helped her out when she arrived. I too wish you peace and healing and knowledge of the love you created.

dee

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Good Evening to all! Just have to vent tonight. As John's date of birth gets closer I ache that much more. I still don't know what I will do to honor him. I dread 3/22 coming I can only pray I can go there to do what I do not know. This pain ans saddness does not go away nor does the feeling of missing and longing

for him. We always went to dinner anywhere he wanted and he always had friends with him.

On 3/24 we will fly out to Neb. for the sentencing of his girlfriend. As we hope the judge doesn't put her in jail. We pray she doesn't go to jail we don't need to lose again.

This rollercoaster ride seems like it will be until we see our children again.

Two worlds is what I said to my husband he thought I was wanting to kill myself, that was not what I meant so I DO understand that feeling. I hear his music in my dreams but do not see him.

John's number must have been 22 DOB 3/22, died at 22, place of rest 22 (we did not know this until we went back after all the flowers were gone. Probate date 22. I have read each post I this place is the safe place for all of us as we all know what pain we feel and how deep it is in our souls.

Thanks for letting me vent

Loving John forever 22

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To those in the U.S. who might be interested. A family in California is putting together a book of "Crosses Across Our Nation". The book will feature photos of roadside memorials (crosses on the roadway where loved ones were lost), photos of the lost loved one and a short story about that person. If interested, you may contact them at: crossesacrossournation@comcast.net

Elizabeth

Ray's mom

P.S. I hope I have not violated posting rules. I'm not selling anything, nor am I being compensated for my efforts. My son's memorial and photo will be featured in the book and I wanted to give others the same opportunity.

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mattysmom

This is my first time on this type of site. I lost my son Matthew on Oct 29/04. He was only 25. Matthew's death was quite sudden. We were only in the hospital for three weeks. I am grateful that I was able to spend those last three weeks by his side. The pain is too much to bear. Everyone is trying to "fix" me. I can't be fixed, I am broken forever. Do you have any advice on what helps? I feel only one thing would help and that's to have my child back. Please tell me it's ok to cry all the time. I am going to work everyday. Some people tell me that's a good thing and some of my co-workers tell me I need some time off. The perception is that I'm getting better, when in fact all I have done is get better at pushing my grief to the back of my mind so I can do my job, however when I get home the floodgates open. I still sometimes feel guilty when I laugh. I'm not an expert on grieving, but isn't this all part of it?

Thanks for listening.

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