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Loss of an Adult Child


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Mtodsmother,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your son, Tod. I know what you mean

about guilt feelings. They plague us sometimes. Someone said that

you were not responsible for his girlfriend's drinking. Only

she can help herself. I keep feeling guilty from time to time because

I was not home on that fateful Sat. morning when my dear Davey left

home and never returned.(6/14/03) I keep thinking that if I had been home, I

would have talked to him for awhile, and then he would have been

delayed enough to prevent him from being in that horrific accident.

I felt like this more often soon after the accident than I do at this

stage, but those feelings still come creeping back from time to time.

Please take care of yourself. My prayers are with you. Peace.

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HI TO ALL

I SOMETIMES THINK ALOT OF YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT LOSING YOUR CHILD. MY SON MICHAEL WAS NOT DRIVING ON THAT DAY EITHER 8-30-02, HIS GIRLFIREND GINA WAS. SHE HAD A FORD EXPLORER, WHICH ARE VERY WELL KNOWN TO ROLL. IT WAS NOT HER FAULT AND I DO NOT BLAME HER FOR IT, SHE WAS ALSO TAKEN ALONG WITH MY SON THAT DAY. I BLAME THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT THAT SUV, KNOWING THAT IT WAS NOT SAFE. IT AMAZES ME THAT THEY TAKE NO BLAME FOR BOTH OF THESE WONDERFUL KIDS BEING GONE. I WILL BLAME FORD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. GINA WAS NOT SPEEDING, DRINKING, SMOKING ANYTHING THEY WERE ON THEIR WAY TO COLUMBUS OHIO TO PLAY BROOM BALL. HOW SAD THAT YOU CANNOT GO OUT FOR A FUN TRIP[ AND NEVER COME HOME AGAIN. THERE ARE DAYS THAT I AM SO ANGRY, I CANNOT STAND IT, THERE ARE DAYS THAT THE PAIN IS SO BAD ALLL I WANT TO DAY IS CRY. BUT I ALSO HAVE A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER, AND THREE BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILDREN THAT KEEP ME GOING. IF I DID NOT HAVE THEM, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO. I ALSO HAVE BECOME VERY GOOD FRIENDS WITH GINA'S MOM AND DAD. THEY ARE ALSO HAVING A VERY HARD TIME. MY SON WAS SO VERY ACTIVE IN SPORTS, THAT WAS A BIG PART OF HIS LIFE, NOW I THINK MIKE WILL NEVER GET MARRIED, MIKE WILL NEVER HAVE ANY CHILDREN. MIKE AND GINA WERE ROBBED OF SOMUCH THAT THEY WANTED TO DO TOGETHER, AND BECAUSE OF A SUV THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

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justin4ever

Hi all,

Thanks so much for your thoughts on guilt. Intellectually I know I didn't cause my son's death, but emotionally, that's another story. I know I did the best I could, but I just feel like my best wasn't good enough...sometimes it just eats me up. makes me crazy.

I've come to realize that for me maybe the key is self-forgiveness and compassion for myself. I have to find a way to forgive myself for my shortcomings, the mistakes I made, the things I didn't do, the things I could've done better. Now if I could just find a way to forgive myself. :(

Someone asked how it would've been for us if we had known that we'd only have our children for a short while... I think it would've been hard, but I think maybe I would've appreciated my son more knowing that I'd only have him for 23 years, I don't know. There's the guilt again.

I found myself walking through the grocery store yesterday, noticed a big jar of bacon bits. My son love bacon bits... my very first instinct was to buy them, then realized that he was the only one in the house who ever ate them and now there was no need.

His 24th birthday is Sunday, the 13th... I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I think I'm going to bake his favorite cake, but that's as far as I've gotten in thinking about what to do. Does anyone have any ideas, or things they have done to commemorate their child's birthday?

Daveydow, I have sort of the same thing, I wasn't home when my son came by and took the ATV out of the garage and rode it that day he lost control and it flipped. He had called me on my cell earlier and I didn't hear it it ring... if only I'd picked up the phone, if only I'd been home maybe something, the tiniest little thing might have changed the course of things and the accident wouldn't have happened at all.

Thinking this way makes me crazy sometimes. It comes and goes, I just hope someday I won't feel so guilty.

Missyou20, I hate that old cliche, that "this happened for a reason". I sure the hell don't know what it is. I think the only who can answer that is God himself. When I get there (if there even is a "there"), I want some answers.

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Hi again,

in reference to birthdays of our loved ones? Erica would have turned 20 last April 4 and I needed to do something but couldn't figure out what. She loved her birthday, she loved parties. I threw a party inviting many of her friends, though many were out of twon at their different colleges, and my son's friends came, my friends and family. We had a cake with the words for our girl ERica. We played her favorite music, had dinner for everyone, dessert, and instead of singing, we all raised our glasses to Eri as we cut the cake, toasted and sent off our prayers. My girlfriends watch stopped at that moment.

On the 1st aniverssary of Eri's death, July 14th, we had 100 people in our yard and shared the say with food, drink, tears, stories, and we gave little note paper to the friends of Eri to write notes to her, tied them on the strings of 19 pink and white balloons. We played her favorite tunes loud and set the wish balloons off. It was a ggod day, very mixed emotions, very sad but good, as i could not let it go without some kind of rememberance. Same with her birthday, it helped to share it with others that love her too, and then the next day I spent a good deal of time alone at the cemetary. I do believe these events helped my son Jonathan as well, seeing the support and love, knowing she remains in the hearts of so many. She and my son lived togetehr in Michigan when she was killed. He lives back here in Illinois now, could not stay after that but many of their Michigan friends visit, and many were present at those two events. This year? Who knows.

good luck and may you always find his day special.

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Guys, I need some prayers. One of our students was in a senseless sledding accident and now is in a drug induced coma so that the swelling and pressure on his brain will go down. He is a great kid, only 13, and his father was the person that called 911 the night Kirk was killed, he went out to check out the wreck and found him. I have always wanted to ask him about the accident, but was afraid of knowing the truth I guess. Anyway he needs our prayers, they are a really nice family that doesn't deserve any of this. I still can't believe the way it happened. Truck pulling a sled on a dangerous road after a big snow. Jim

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Justin4ever

I think people say it happened for a reason sayit because they do not know what to say. If they don't know what to say, I would rather they say nothing. I also would like to say to kirksdad, I spoke to a lady that had stopped to help my son the day of that horrible acident. I reallythink I would have rather not talked to her. She had told me in detail how Micahel was, I now I picture my son laying on route 71 I keep that picture in my mind, I also had talked to the State Highway Patrol, again I wish I didn't. At the time you think I want to know everyting that happened that day. And when you do, you are sorry you know. Also I would like to say that I hope your friend;s son will be ok.

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heartbrokendad

Dear friends,

Last night, I watched the wedding video of my son Chris,it took place in 1993, Carrie Ann sang at the reception, and to hear her sing again was like she was with me again. Matthew also was in the video, beingt Matthew, acting up, and dancing with all the women. He even danced with his sister Carrie.

This has set me back about 2 years, and I think its the most dperessed I've felt in a long time. I dont know why I watched it...wait, yes I do, I miss them so much...this really sucks .....

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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Hi Tammee, I am John's mom thank you for you're post. You said you you wished you had my innner strenth to "move out" I am not sure that is what it was all I knew is that I needed to do something different. I have been asked if it was a right or wrong decesion and my answer to that is I don't know but I was drawn to it. Still feel that way.

I am also a real estate agent and and property manager, I wanted this move in private so i did not rent from any of my clients.

I have no outside influences which gives me peace.

As I live in this between place it is not home, home is where Johnny grew up but here is where I can release floods of tears, howl like a coyote be as angry as I want and need without the pressure of upseting anyone. I can feel lonely empty lost and found without saying a word or having to explain my actions to anyone. That in itself is my greatest release.

Today is 4 months since Johnny took his last breath in my arms. I know this day won't be a great day but I will find some small bit of joy in it for him. My husband still doesn't understand my move but is now trying to help me get through all these emotions. I am in counseling now and was told my move was for self presveration not a selfish act. I do not think I could have taken much more. I do not miss the call's asking for John (bill collectors) I do not have to have his death cert. sit on my desk as if it was a award to fax to the bill collectors" now my husband comes home from work and gets these messages and NOW he is beginning to understand....

I know that I will be "OK" whatever that is in the future. So in my quite in between place I have found a small part of a world where I can be me. Funny thing I don't feel lonely for the life I left although I miss the life I had before Johnny died. I miss my husband every day and night but I needed this for me. He will begin counseling when the counsler tells me it is time for him. He wants our life back our marriage back now he is willing to do what it takes to get there.

I know he has not dealt with losing John he was to busy trying to deal with me and my sorrow. Now he realizes he cannot FIX ME and let me do what I need for me and then we can work on us.

John is sad for both of us right now I know I also know how much he loved both of us he would not want any of this he and I know he did not want to die. So as we live each day bittersweet I will continue

to find that place where I need to be.

Loving and missing Johnny forever 22

To JSCMom:

I am Tammee, mother of Brandon Hodges, and I've read your plight, as it is like mine. I have to tell you, I wish I had your inner strength to 'move out and on' shortly after Brandon's death, because I knew eventually my husband would leave, anyway. I, however have to live with my parents (I am 44 years old), because my ex-husband 'barrowed' my credit and ruined it too. I cannot rent or purchase a home for now (and I am a real estate agent).

Please don't let your 'vulenability' dictate your life. I did, but didn't realize it. I now know better. Living by yourself may sound or seem negatively lonely, but you are not! This is a good time for you to relfect on all of the good memories and times with your son! I've been doing that for 3 1/2 years now, and am happy I began practicing this right from the start; it was challenging and felt weird, but, today I am sharing my life with others about 'loss of adult child', and the void that comes along with it.

Now, and after Superior Court enforces my ex-husband to comply, I am looking to purchase a small home here, and I feel my son's acceptance all over me. It belonged to my Uncle who suddenly passed away in September, and my family is doing their best to help me acquire it.

All I am saying here is this 'never does the PAIN of our loss go away, but, with prayer, with inner strength, with future clarity, we begin to feel ourselves feeling powerful'. We think beyond those who have been fortunate to 'not lose a child to death'. We see and feel things they do not. We know better and begin living our lives eventually in peace, as everything else is irrelevant. We learn to make the best of what is around us.

Hugs to All Parents here!

Tammee Weismuller

Mother of Michael Brandon Hodges

Memorial Day 2001

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Dear heartbroken dad, I too went through that viedo thing and OH My God I never wanted to jump into a TV so bad to grab John out of there.

My 8 year old granddaughter and her sister came to spend the night with us and in John's old room is where they sleep as I was working Danielle say's grandma I have a surprise for you so I get up to see what it was and there on the TV was my John alive at her birthday party playging with her blowing out candles on the cake helping her open her gifts laughing joking and having a great time with his neices as they were is babies. Then Sierr'a birthday and the same thing he loved those girls as if they were his own and they know this.

I sat quitely on the bed tried not to cry but did and then Danielle'e little voice says to me Grandma you are supposed to be happy I brought this to you so you could be happy". She holds my hand and uses the other to wipe my tears. Having to explain to both girls that they were tears of joy when all I could think of I needed to get him out of that darn TV.

Yes, Stu you are right it really SUCKS they say it gets easier as time passes I have found it to be harder because we miss them more as each minute passes.

And yet we are really closer to being with them as each day passes as we know our days on earth are less.

Johnnys mom forever 22

Dear friends,

Last night, I watched the wedding video of my son Chris,it took place in 1993, Carrie Ann sang at the reception, and to hear her sing again was like she was with me again. Matthew also was in the video, beingt Matthew, acting up, and dancing with all the women. He even danced with his sister Carrie.

This has set me back about 2 years, and I think its the most dperessed I've felt in a long time. I dont know why I watched it...wait, yes I do, I miss them so much...this really sucks .....

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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All prayers are with you and that family and all who enter this sight. May God bless all of us. Please let us know how he is doing.

John's mom forever 22

Kirksdad,

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and this family throughout his recovery. Dottie

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Stu, I still can't bring myself to watch the videos. A little over a year ago I was at my parents house and they put on my sister's wedding video. Kirk was only about 4 at the time and I bawled like a baby, it was so totally draining to watch only about 15 minutes of it. He was so happy, so cute, so alive. I wished so much he was still here. Since then I haven't been able to watch anything with Kirk in it. I know that someday I will be able to, but all things happen in their own time. For some it can be done, for others it is still very hard. I wish I was at the point I could, but I know eventually I will.

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heartbrokendad

Hi Kirksdad, and jcsmom,

I dont know what made me watch it, I did feel them (Carrie) asking me to put it in the dvd player...it had been sitting on my desk for a few weeks.

I have her wedding video, and it is so hard to watch, for me anyway. In it she sees me with the video cam, and each and evry time she sees me she says I love you dad...

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Kriksdad,

I will remember the family of the boy in the sledding accident.

He and his family are in my prayers.

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To all who have seen videos of their child,

We didn't have any videos to see, since no one in the family

had a videocam at the time, but I did see the graphic photo

taken by the local newspaper, of the accident scene, showing

the LifeFlight helicopter taking off from the scene, and the

wreckage of my son's car. It appeared to be about only 2 ft.

high of twisted metal. All this in color. It even showed the

white outline of the body on the pavement. How I wish I had

never seen this now. But, at the time, I was like some of you---

wanting to know everything about the wreck. My husband has never

seen this photo and doesn't want to see it. I believe that at the

time, we are in such terrible shock and disbelief that we are just

drawn to somehow disprove that this catastrophic event has happened.

We want to prove everyone wrong. That is how I felt. I pray for all

who come to this site, that each may find some peace.

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Davydow1

I just wanted you to know that I also saw pictures of the explorer that Mike and gina were in, and also the diagram of the accident on that day from the state highway patrol. Those things stay with me always. When I read the statements from the people that were on that highway that day, I said that can;t be my son they were talking about, like you said it was the shock and disbelief of it all. I hope in time some of the pain and sadness I have heals, but the way I feel now it never will. They say with time it gets easier, but for me it only gets harder . i am sure other people feel the same as i do. I will keep you in my thoughts because I think our sons were taken in the same, horrible way or there are some things that sound alot alike to me. Bless you and your familyand all of the other parents who have lost a child, old or young. They say you are not suppose to bury your children, how wrong they are.Your children are suppose to bury you. Somebody lied to me!!!!!!!!!!

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you all talking about videos of yuor kids, reminds me of a lost video we took of shane coming home from the rehab. center after being there for about 6 months in 1996, we had a apartment built on to uor house so we could help take care of him, it was feb. 14th 1996, his first time to see it, we were so excited, it took such hard work , trying to afford to build it for him , that we filmed his being brought home by ambulance, - getting out in the wheel chair, coming into the apartment, some how it got lost, i so wish i had it.

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To all who saw the accident sights or newspaper clippings and such. I flew to Omaha Neb were John was in the hospital. I was told do not check into hotel go directly to hospital I did. Late that evening I checked into hotel and in the morning as I was getting ready the news came on and I saw the car that he was hurt in and listened to the new clip on it. It was so unreal that memory will never leave my mind. The car did not look like a car it was just a mangled mess and only on the passenger side. I just remember thinking "what this place doesn't have anything else to write about" they had to show this. Just my thoughts.

Bless you all

To all who have seen videos of their child,

We didn't have any videos to see, since no one in the family

had a videocam at the time, but I did see the graphic photo

taken by the local newspaper, of the accident scene, showing

the LifeFlight helicopter taking off from the scene, and the

wreckage of my son's car. It appeared to be about only 2 ft.

high of twisted metal. All this is color. It even showed the

white outline of the body on the pavement. How I wish I had

never seen this now. But, at the time, I was like some of you---

wanting to know everything about the wreck. My husband has never

seen this photo and doesn't want to see it. I believe that at the

time, we are in such terrible shock and disbelief that we are just

drawn to somehow disprove that this catastrophic event has happened.

We want to prove everyone wrong. That is how I felt. I pray for all

who come to this site, that each may find some peace.

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Justinsmom4ever,

I guess all who post here know that feeling. I find myself thinking what if, should of, maybe if i did...but then I have force myself to stop. Our son's were one year apart and though our children they were adults. I did not want my son to move out of state but I and told him so but then had to step back and think to myself he is an adult and it is his decesion. I never dreamed as all who post here that it would have turn out in this horrible way. Guilt is negative over powering and it can eat us alive inside out. I try to deal with it by remembering the joy of having John those short 22 years. He by all means was not that perfect child by others eyes but he was to me. I know I was not a perfect mom and honestly I do not there is one all I tried to do is the best that I could. Wish we all had all the questions answered right now maybe it would help all of us in some small way.

Loving and Missing John Forever 22

Hi,

I changed my user name, I have internet stalkers, those people who hated my son... I don't want them to find my posts here!

I feel like such a failure as a mother...I know it's not rational, but I keep thinking if I wasn't a failure as a mother, then my son wouldn't have died. The fact that he died at only 23 means that I failed.

Does anyone else feel that way? Has anyone else felt that way? How do you deal with that? I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't true, that I didn't cause his death, but it's not working.

Beth

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I have been thinking of the young guy and saying prayers how is he doing?

jscmom

Guys, I need some prayers. One of our students was in a senseless sledding accident and now is in a drug induced coma so that the swelling and pressure on his brain will go down. He is a great kid, only 13, and his father was the person that called 911 the night Kirk was killed, he went out to check out the wreck and found him. I have always wanted to ask him about the accident, but was afraid of knowing the truth I guess. Anyway he needs our prayers, they are a really nice family that doesn't deserve any of this. I still can't believe the way it happened. Truck pulling a sled on a dangerous road after a big snow. Jim
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To everyone - hello. I haven't posted for a while, my husband and I took a much-needed extended vacation. The vacation gave us some time to relax and to think about the rest of our lives. We enjoyed ourselves but at times it all came back, like at a party with several of my 20 something year old great-nieces. Julie would have loved these young women and would have bonded with them(we live across country from them and therefore she had no contact with them). I have been reading the posts from the last month - someone said the death of her child hits her some days like someone has hit her in the stomach - I call them my overwhelming days - when it all floods back and I am overwhelmed with grief. As to the accident site/reports, Julie died in a one car crash out of state - we have been by the site only 1 or 2 times, we find other ways to go (even if it is out of the way) when we have to travel that way to visit our son. I did not read the accident report/the hospital bill or talk to the trooper. My husband did though. I don't think it makes much difference. The outcome is still the same. I only have one video of her which I haven't looked at. I have not gone through family photos or hers yet. Someday I will have to. There are so many of us grief-stricken parents out there. My husband and I went to dinner last night and the waitress (someone we know) introduced us to the manager of the restaurant who has suffered the death of a child 17 years ago and still there was sadness in his voice and eyes. May all who journey here find peace in their lives Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

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I haven't posted in awhile but I read all of your posts and cry with you. I lost my 19 year old son Kyle in a car accident on May 1, 2004. Some days the journey seems easier.

Like many of you, I wanted to know everything about the accident. It happened in New Jersey (we live in Wisconsin), so I didn't get to see the newscasts or live video, thank God. I did get the accident report, which talks about Kyle in such an official and impersonal way. I keep it deep in a closet and vow to not look at it again for a long time.

From Lynda:

My husband and I went to dinner last night and the waitress (someone we know) introduced us to the manager of the restaurant who has suffered the death of a child 17 years ago and still there was sadness in his voice and eyes.

Yes. I remember when Kyle was much younger, about 10 or so, he had a friend whose older brother had died in a sledding accident several years earlier. I remember that the friend's parents always had a haunted look. Now I understand.

Peace to you all

Joline

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Joline - I haven't figured out if living out of state is better from where accident occurred(Julie's accident was in PA). At least we don't have to see accident site all the time. Although every time we hear of auto accidents we just cringe. Can I ask you where Kyle's accident was in NJ. I live in NJ. If you don't wish to tell me that's ok. I certainly understand.

Wanda - you are in my prayers as you get ready for your run. Thank you for carrying Julie's and all the other names with you. May they make your feet swift.

Peace, Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

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Lynda -- I agree that the accident being far away probably helps us. Having to see where it happened all of the time would be so hard ... there was a woman who posted here, HannahRosesMom, whose 16 year old daughter was killed last October on a highway close to their home. You would always look at that place and feel the pain and memories.

Kyle was killed on the New Jersey Turnpike, in Windsor Township. I'm not sure of the exact location, I just know that from the accident report. We don't really want to go out and see the site. Kyle was in the Marines, stationed in Norfolk, Virginia, and on weekend leave with a Marine buddy who lived in Elizabeth. Thanks for asking...

Joline

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Hi all,

I wanted to comment on the guilt issues we are all experiencing. The grief counselor we went to see said that when a parent loses a child, no matter what the age, we have extra guilt issues to deal with on top of the guilt everyone experiences when they lose a loved one. We feel as parents, no matter how old the child was at the time of death, that we should have somehow been able to protect him or her. It makes us feel as if we failed as a parent. Then I also have real guilt issues to deal with as none of us are perfect people since we are human. What I do is remind myself of all the right things that I did and I know that I did many more things right than wrong as I did the best that I could. I know that my Todd loved me and he wrote me a very special Mother's Day card in May 2002 that told me he even appreciated every experience in life (even bad ones) because they helped contribute to him being the man he was. I have it on his site. You can see it at the link below.

Peace to all and please give yourself credit where credit is due. Our children wouldn't want us tormenting ourselves.

http://www.toddjlee.memory-of.com/about.aspx

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Runningramma,

Best wishes on the Cowtown run coming up!

Lostclee,

You mentioned a Mother's Day card your son had given you. I also

have a Mother's Day card that my son, David, gave me. The front of

the card was worded: "From the son you raised with so much Love"

It was surrounded with a floral & ribbon theme. I will keep it

always. You are right---we must remember that we are only human, and

try to remember all the good things we had done for our children, and

not dwell on things that make us feel guilty. Thank you for your post

that reminds us. Peace be with you.

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It has been seven years this week-end and I have so much pain from the sudden loss of my only daughter who was 22 years of age. She was my life, and I have tried so go on and be the optimist she was, but today is especially hard. I miss her smile, her voice, her wit, her graciousness and beauty surrounding me. I can relate to those of you who feel all the changes that have occurred in your world and how nothing will ever be the same.

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It has been seven years this week-end and I have so much pain from the sudden loss of my only daughter who was 22 years of age. She was my life, and I have tried so go on and be the optimist she was, but today is especially hard. I miss her smile, her voice, her wit, her graciousness and beauty surrounding me. I can relate to those of you who feel all the changes that have occurred in your world and how nothing will ever be the same.
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Joline - thank you for responding. We've only been in NJ 18 months (3 months when Julie died). I know Elizabeth is north of us but unsure about Windsor Township. I pray for peace for you (and all of us). Julie died on the PA Turnpike, a road we always hated even before her death.

Piepie - may you also find peace.

Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

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justin4ever

Today is Justin's 24th birthday. I'm going to bake a cake in his honor, get some balloons and attach notes to them and release the balloons for them to carry the notes to heaven. Just something simple.

I had a huge meltdown a couple of nights ago. I guess I'm okay, so far anyway, but the day is young.

Happy Birthday Justin!

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Piepie,

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am sure you do miss her; there is nothing like the bond of a mother and a daughter. Your daugter sounds like she was pretty amazing. Please know that we are here to support you in any way that we can.

Peace to you, Tina

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On Matthew’s birthday and Christmas we released balloons with little cards attached that had a picture and phrase about him, on the back we had our address and asked if found to return to us. We have received 2 of these cards back, 1 was just received recently and it was from the Christmas 2003, a little over a year. Both of them that have been returned were returned with a very nice letter. I plan to put them in a scrapbook, whenever I am able to do that.

Matthew died in my bedroom, so everyday I have to deal with the image of finding him lying on the floor next to my side of the bed, he had turned back the covers on my side and evidently set up and collapsed onto the floor. I am not surprised he went to our room, when he was a little boy he always came to my bed when he was sick or hurt. So with that memory I am not purely haunted by the image, in a strange way I find some comfort that he went there.

I have really struggled in this pit of despair since Christmas, this second year is definitely not any easier than the first. It is just different things that I am dealing with, but the pain of losing him is just as great as that first day.

Matthews Mom Mary

11/3/1979 – 7/13/2003

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heartbrokendad

Dear Donosmom,

I lost my son Matthew on 7/16/03 to a masisve blod clot, he was in Fla. with his mother, so I never saw the body, and she had him cremated.

I did get his ashes, but I wish I could have seen him one more time. I lost my daughter Carrie Ann, on 11/3/02, (drug overdose) I did see her body, had a wake, funeral, and buried her.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I still think Matt will come bounding into my office someday, like he used to, so I guess deep down I dont really think he is dead, just away.

peace to you on this horrible road we are on.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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HEARTBROKENDAD

I LOST MY SON MICHAEL ON 8-30-02 IN A HORRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT. I FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO, I TELL MYSELF MIKE IS JUST AWAY AND SOON HE WILL WALK IN MY DOOR OR CALL ME ON HIS LUNCH HOUR. MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU, SO SORRY ABOUT BOTH OF YOUR LOSSES.

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missingchris

I'm sitting here in shock.......... in pain........ and wondering what am I ever going to do. My 5 year old has been crying all night. He watched his brother drown on August 2nd of 2004. His question to me tonite " Mommy, Chris's screams won't go away. They're stuck in my head. Can you make them go away?" My response......... "Honey Mommy loves you so much ( a gentle tug at my shirt) " Mommy, do you love me alot?" Yes Dakota I do, ...... " Mommy, do you love me enough to let me go to heaven to be with my brother? Maybe God can make my brother's screams go away in heaven."

I didn't think I could hurt any worse, but the agony in his voice and the haunted eyes........ Now I truly understand what pain is. I am as helpless tonite as he was watching Chris die. Neither of us can do anything to help the one that needed us.

What is left?

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MissingChris,

My heart hurts for you so much- especially with a child who needs your help and who is hurting right in front of your eyes. You must feel so helpless; for you too are hurting. Therapy won't take the hurt away, but a grief support therapist could guide you and your son, so that your journey takes as many steps in the right direction as possible. We don't have to do this alone.

I lost my son Chris on Jan 4, 02, and everytime I see your post I feel a connection with you. I too miss my Chris.

Peace to you, Tina

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missing chris. i am so sorry to hear what you are going thru. that breaks my heart just reading it. i don't think that i have a great answer but maybe an ok/good one. try the grief counseling with you and your son. try talking to your son before bedtime (day after day after day)about his brother. tell him to talk to his brother and ask his brother to help him to feel better. try soft instumental music to go to bed. try giving him a slice of monterey jack cheese before going to bed.......it has a sleep agent in it. try lavender and cypress they are very soothing. try changing your/his bedtime routine. this is a tought one to handle. after my mom died, my daughter (then age 3 1/2) would ask me questions all day every day for about 3 months about her grandma. it was hard for me but i just tried to talk to her the best i could and explain things to her that she could understand. eventually she settled down. i do think you situation is at a different level then mine but no matter what, try, try, try anything that you think might help your son be more at peace and "settled" with what happened. i do wish you all the best. i will be praying for you and your son. please keep posting here. heather

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MissingChris,

You have a heartbreaking situation. Please know that each of

us who reads your post has you in our thoughts & prayers. I

pray for some comfort & solace for you & your little boy in

the loss of your dear Chris.

Peace be with you.

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ILike many of you, I wanted to know everything about the accident. It happened in New Jersey (we live in Wisconsin), so I didn't get to see the newscasts or live video, thank God. I did get the accident report, which talks about Kyle in such an official and impersonal way. I keep it deep in a closet and vow to not look at it again for a long time.

Yes. I remember when Kyle was much younger, about 10 or so, he had a friend whose older brother had died in a sledding accident several years earlier. I remember that the friend's parents always had a haunted look. Now I understand.

Joline, I too lost my 19 year old son David in an auto accident. He passed on April 11, 2004 on Easter Sunday morning. He was in the Navy based on the USS John F Kennedy in Jacksonville, FL. I have seen the accident site once but found it so odd. You'd never have known that anything had happened there. My husband and I parked our car and walked around the site (the car ran into a bridge abutment). I kept thinking...this is where my child spent the last seconds/minutes of his life. This impersonal, concrete, cold place is where my baby left this earth. How does one ever come to terms with something like this? I am doing the best I can (as we all are) to keep going but I can definately understand that there will always be sadness as well.

When I attended my first TCF meeting (I've only been to a few) just two months after David passed, I asked the people there who'd lost their children a minimum of five years ago, if they ever felt joy...they told me no..not joy. They could be happy, laugh, enjoy things in life but the absolute spirit lifting joy that was possible before, was not possible now. I felt an enormous sadness and hopelessness when I heard that but 10 months after losing David, I understand what they mean. Something that really illustrates it for me is the Song and dance bit by Gene Kelly...Singing in the Rain. I've always loved that and it was an example of someone feeling happy, carefree and joyful...I don't ever imagine the freedom to feel that way again.

-Sandy

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MissingChris - I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this with your Dakota. I wish there was an easy answer to what you should do. Is there a bereavement counseler that specialises in children that you could see? I know that counseling isn't the magic pill the makes it all better but perhaps they could give you some idea on how to deal with this. Keeping you and Dakota in my prayers.

-Sandy

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Hello, I am Bobs Mum. He crossed over 2yrs ago in Dec. Today is his birthday. My grief is like a fresh cut, everytime it gets bumped, it opens up! Well today it is wide open... I am also reminded of the words to a Garth Brooks song(The Dance). "I could have missed the pain, but i"d have missed the Dance). I am forever grateful to have been able to dance with my son for 35yrs.. Peace to everyone today. Peg

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Bless you all. Man this new life is so hard to deal with. As I read each post I am thinking God why are we all here why must we know this pain that will never go away.

Missing Chris I am so sorry that your child has to feel the pain and sadness. 25 years ago my daughters dad was killed in a single car accident. She did as your child is doing but it was about her daddy. I had no anwers to comfort her just floods of tears then one day she asked me "mommy when are you going to stop crying daddy's in heaven'. She said he came to her and told her that he was fine and that he loved and missed her very much and that to tell me the same.

After this incident with her daddy she had the peace she needed and gave me the peace I needed. My heart aches for you so much. For all of us who enter here but thank God we have some place to vent where everyone understands.

Today I have my son's neices (my granddaughters 8 and 6 years old) doing as your child is now 22 years later. As they ask the questions as they tell me how they miss Uncle Johnny and what they feel I am holding back the tears and reminding them of their short time with their "Uncle" his babies and all the happy times they shared with him. It seems to help them, but I must be honest it kills me but much rather see the smile on their face then have them see the pain in my soul. (Once they leave I can let it all out) and I do.

Johnnys mom forever

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Next month is the month my son was born. I read these posts and see what many of you have done for birthdays.

I have a problem with my sons date of birth,3/22/82 I feel he no longer has birthdays he died at 22 and he will always be 22. So as I try to think of something to do to honor him I have a hard time saying it is birthday. I see many birthday ballons at the cemetary and I keep thinking whay are they putting happy birthday ballons there? Our children will never be older than the age they died. One of the songs played at his service was Forever Young by Rod Stewart and that is what he is, 22 forever.

Does anyone here feel that was or is it just me? Is it because it would only be 5 months since he died? I dont know. Any ideas?

Also 3 days after his date of birth I will be in Nebraska in court for Shannon his girlfriend in hopes of helping her to keep from going to jail for the accident. I will be speaking to the judge asking that she does not end up in jail she needs counseling not jail. You know since all of this began in September I feel like I am still in September.

Thanks for listening

Loving Johnny forever

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jcsmom,

April is the month that Ashley was born. I have not had to deal with her birthday yet. I too consider my daughter "forever young" I also had the song at her services and had it engraved on her stone. She will forever be 18yrs. old. I will somehow celebrate my daughter's birthday in her memory. We usually go in to Boston and spend the day because that is what Ashley always wanted to do. I have planned to do the same, but I don't know now. I think it will hurt too much. Just knowing her birthday is coming is tearing me up. I am sure there will be balloons and flowers on her grave for her birthday as her grave always has new things brought from friends and family who love and miss her. My heart goes out to you as your son's birthday approaches,

Peace to you,

dottie

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bloodbrother

Hello everyone

This is my first real post on this board,but I read the posts almost every day.On Thanksgiving we lost our son Dustin.We found him on his bedroom floor and later found out he died of an accidental overdose of methadone.This sunday is his 19th birthday and we are releaseing balloons with his name and picture and a poem on them.We have people from all over the U.S. joining us and would like to ask anyone interested in joining us to do so.His name is Dustin M. VanLoon-Bonser,Feb 20 1986-Nov.25 2004.You can add a prayer or poem or any kind of message you would like to.Thanks so much,and pray for nice weather(we live in Michigan)

Dustin-Forever in our hearts

Jeff & Christy

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