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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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We all love our children with all of our hearts, forever.   There is no danger of losing that love no matter how many years go by.  They will never be forgotten or lessened in our emotions .  We love them always, think of them always and will long for them until the day we die.  
 

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Danielle,  it must be a very worrying time for you with your husband in hospital.   You have had a lot of extra things to deal with of late so I’m hoping you can get some more comforting news from the medics .   I’ve found that when I get overloaded with worries on top of my grief I tend to clam up and internalise everything which isn’t very healthy - you sound as if you have good people around you who care about you and will give you their support but remember we are always here if you need to vent .  Take care. Roz

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Danielle Masata

Thanks Roz and Michael and others on the other thread.  Before I forget to mention this, it is such a relief to see that Chris is doing so much better, so thanks for posting an update Virginia.  

I don't have new news about my husband.  I know the doctors are doing some tests today and will work together to develop a plan of action.  My guess is that the heart is the most immediate concern and they'll take care of that first, but I so worry about the chemo too.  My sister-in-law had a terrible, painful experience with chemo and stem cell transplants with this form of cancer and eventually died.  That scares and saddens me.  On top of it all, my husband doesn't have Covid now, but given its transmission rate, will that continue and then what happens when he'll be so compromised?  I feel as if he/we are racing for a time when the pandemic is behind us.  Will that ever happen?  It was awful watching its damage to my son (vaccines had not started and he really struggled with his job loss and social isolation), but now we have new complications that make the pandemic so dangerous.  Once again I feel as if my life is on hold just as I felt last year.

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Michael, I too have feelings like that.   I  do have days here and there where I  don't break down.   Then I catch myself asking does this mean I'm forgetting him? I too find some  comfort in all your posts.  Your wisdom is so important to me.  I've been posting on both pages also.  I see there are new people,  with such raw emotions. My heart goes out to all of them.  I'm nearing the 7 month mark and I  still struggle so.  Still having daughter in law issues.   My granddaughter is falling apart.   I am so worried about her.  Her mom (not my DIL), is working on getting therapy for her, but we are running  into everyone not accepting new patients.  DIL is still being antagonistic.   I don't feel that she feels anything like the we do.   Anyway,  we have chosen to step away, in order to aid in our healing process.  I have so many mixed emotions.   You are all in my prayers. 

Danielle I am so sorry you are going through all the added stress. Please remember we are all here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

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Mason’s Mom

Michael you will always love B. I give myself pep talks all the time and tell myself that Mason would really want me to be happy. So for his sake I try to find peace and try to find happiness.  Believe me the happiness is not the same.  I am not the same. 

Carol 

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Michael Rodriguez

thanks carol, sundays are the worst .....

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Hi Lisa,  I can certainly empathise with you concerning your DIL - removing yourself from the agro for now is probably for the best.   I’ve tried very hard to keep a good connection with my son’s widow because of our grandson (David’s son).   It is hard enough them being all the way over in Australia but the pandemic has stopped any visits and with that the messages and communications have dried up as well.   I keep reaching out but maybe she doesn’t want or need my involvement in her life anymore.    
I cannot imagine any loss being as total and devastating as that of losing your child but when a married child dies society sees the widow or widower as being the one with the ‘greater loss’ when , in fact,  everyone has lost a vital part of themselves - partner, parents and any children.  I have to be honest, Lisa, IF when I was younger and my mother-in-law was still alive IF my husband had died I would have been all about me and my children and our loss - I’m not sure I’d appreciate how his mother would have been feeling - isn’t that awful of me?    We now know better.

All in all I don’t think that there is a lot we can do about other people’s attitude towards us even if it would be helpful to be united in our grief. 

That is a shame that your granddaughter cannot access the help she needs - is there any online support that would be suitable as a stop gap?  There is a lot of very specific groups that she may find useful.

Please don’t think for one moment that you are forgetting your son as your grief shifts .  It takes on lots of shapes and we move around amongst them all.  We can find ourselves overcompensating and appearing different to how we actually feel - that is very confusing.  Our heads start to catch up with reality and we sometimes don’t want it to.  Our hearts are in perpetual agony.  It is all a horrible mess that we try to sort into something we can manage - I think that is what we are programmed to do but in many ways we fight it as the reality is just too awful.    For me , up until a year ago I would suddenly get a shockwave go through me that my son had died - as if it was news - after four years of constantly thinking about it how could it plunge me back into those early days without warning?   I’d be knocked physically sick .   I haven’t had that happen for months now .    What I’m getting at is that it’s a long road and you will not stay as you are now but you will NEVER forget your boy or stop loving him EVER.    

Keep in touch,  Roz

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Micheal, on Sundays I know where you will be   -    I’m with David when I’m watching the waves - we scattered his ashes onto the ocean in Australia and I imagine him travelling the seas coming home to me.  Roz

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Danielle,  I’m thinking about you and what you are having to go through - I think we all are.  
There will be a lot of immediate decisions for you to deal with and you must be shell shocked - I wish that I could help in any way.    
My love and kindest thoughts to you and your family ,  Roz                                               

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Hello to all my dear dear friends I may not have responded back but I have read all your texts some of them I could hardly get through because the tears have blurred my eyes I am so fortunate during this horrible period to have each and everyone of you there for me and for everyone grieving the loss of our children!   

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Shel,  how have you been coping ?   I hope that Blake’s wife is being kind to you .     I understand that every day is beyond miserable for you and that the longing for Blake is forever.     Facing each day is so difficult - I know that only too well.    
Please don’t  expect too much of yourself - you can only do as much as you are able .   As I look back over the five years since my David died I’m surprised that I survived at all .     
There is a lot of shared love and appreciation of each other’s struggles to be found here and that can bring it’s comfort .

Take care.  Roz 
 

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Roz, Thank you so much for your kind words they mean so much! Blake’s fiancé, they never had the opportunity to get married they were engaged about a month before everything happened.  She has been hard on me I’m not sure why I’m sure she’s grieving as well but she’s not allowing me in the baby’s  life as much as I would like to be it’s very difficult to get any FaceTime or anything at this point so I’m taking a step back and putting this all in Gods’ hands.  It’s been five years since your David left this world and yet you still survive each and every day! We are here for each other! Every day is like a struggle I just say to myself let me get through this day let me get through the next day but I always have that heavy heart I ask why am I still here??

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Shel,  I’ve been talking to Carol ( Mason’s mom) on here for years now -  we have covered the same thoughts and feelings that you are going through.   A couple of years in and Carol said it is as if we have post traumatic stress disorder - she was right - we have all had the worse traumatic shock in losing ones child that we could have ever imagined.       Talking about our grief helps as we don’t feel so alone and I think it acts as a safety valve too.  
Everyone is different with their own unique history and situation but we share a bond with each other ,both here on this page and on the loss of son page, that is hard to find elsewhere.     You can say the same things over and over again and everyone gets it .
You’re not alone .  Roz

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Mason’s Mom

Shel, Roz is right this gives us an outlet.  People who have not lost a  child cannot imagine the thoughts and feelings we have everyday. It is A struggle sometimes hour by hour. I kept thinking when I get through the first month,  6 months a year I will be my old self.  That will never happen,  however you find a way. It's okay to cry or scream whatever helps you. I don't know why there seems to be issues with girlfriends and wives but it seems to be common.  Mason's girlfriend hasn't been around since a few weeks after his death and she has not been nice to us. It is painful and to have a grandchild with held is particularly hard.we care and will listen and respond. 

Carol

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Mason’s Mom

If you Google PTSD ypu will find 

Behavioral: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behavior, or social isolation
Psychological: flashback, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust
Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness
Sleep: insomnia or nightmares
Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts 
I feel like I can check all the above,  I read the stages of grief and I don't think I fit the different stages. 
Carol
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Roz, Carol everything you said is exactly how I feel and it is comforting To know that I’m not in this nightmare alone!  Why do people keep telling me oh things will get better in time you won’t feel this way forever and I just think to myself what if it was your child would you be saying these things? I know they mean well but they’re talking about my child and losing him will somehow get better or something like that and all I feel is pain from the second I wake up till I go to bed when I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and crying.    I miss him so much I need to smell his cologne see his smile hear his voice!

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Mason’s Mom

People tell us these things trying to offer comfort,  they really believe that time heals all wounds. Grief comes in waves,  sometimes the waves are just little waves that you feel but don't crash down on you,  other times it is all you can do is keep your head above the water. I tell all new members to remember to breathe,  a friend gave me this advice and at first I didn't understand.  Then I noticed I was taking shallow breathes because it physically hurt.  I started taking time to draw in a few deep breathes and it helped.  I still practice this when I feel things getting out of hand.

I miss Mason's smile and his humor.  People have always told me that Mason had a wonderful smile and I know it got him out of trouble several times.  Teachers would tell me all the time that he should have gotten in trouble but he would smile and that would be the end of the trouble.  He had such a big heart and was always helping someone that was down and out. Hard to understand why we only got 21 years with him,but I could not imagine a world without those years. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning, i just read all of the last posts. i remember , right when i joined , that you carol told me about the breathing and i must admit that it does work. 

and when you say that Mason would get away with murder because that big smile on his face, we had the same issue with B ......we would go to the parent/teachers meetings nad it was the same story all the time ,,,,he´d do something wrong and when they were about to say something to him, he would come out with this smile and get away with it. 

i miss him so much , o God how i love him .......my wife had a bit of a crisis this last weekend and we took her to the emergency room at the same hospital where B passed (because she wanted too) ....while talking to a young lady doctor , she tells me that she can understand and relate because she lost her mother tyo cancer 10 months ago.....explained to her it is not the same. you can not compare any loss to a loss of a child 

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Good morning.  Shel, I  understand every word you are saying. It's been 7 months for me and it still feels like yesterday.  I keep reliving this last moments.   At work people used to say those same things.   It will get better,  you look so much better today.  I don't bother to tell them that I wake up with a soaking pillow and 3-4 hours of sleep. They wouldn't get it.  I too have trouble with his wife.. Haven't seen the kids but once since he passed.  It all hurts.  I am so thankful for everyone here.  Their words and experiences  help .  I realized I am not alone.  I appreciate you all so much.

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Hello Anila,   You are very welcome here.  I’m so sorry for your loss and yes it is very difficult to carry on when your  whole world has changed .  
We all understand how you are feeling and how deep your pain is because we all feel the same -  I think that  you will see that from our posts.

my kindest thoughts go out to you.   Roz

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Michael,  is your wife ok now?   That must have been rough going back to that hospital.    I remember a routine visit with our doctor’s practice nurse just a few months after losing David - I became really distressed when she asked how I was and I tried to explain that we’d recently lost our son - she thought it was not natural that I would be so upset after having a few months to get used to it !   She was young but should have had more compassion .

I hope Danielle is getting lots of support at home - it must be so hard for her.      Roz

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Anila I’m so sorry for your loss! What was your son’s name? We all are feeling the same pain the same terrible pain and we’re here for each other! Please tell us more about your son we share stories just know that we all loved our children and we talk about them openly even though sometimes it hurts so bad

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Mason’s Mom

Anila, so sorry for your loss. My son was 21 years old when he passed away. It took me several months to post anything and just typing some of the details was so painful.  Shel is right it is good to be able to talk about our children.  We have the freedom here to talk about them and our pain without shame.

I have been thinking about Danielle as well,  hopefully she is getting support from friends and loved ones. 

Virginia,  hope Christopher is doing better. Thinking of you and Kyle. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

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Good morning.  Shel, I  understand every word you are saying. It's been 7 months for me and it still feels like yesterday.  I keep reliving this last moments.   At work people used to say those same things.   It will get better,  you look so much better today.  I don't bother to tell them that I wake up with a soaking pillow and 3-4 hours of sleep. They wouldn't get it.  I too have trouble with his wife.. Haven't seen the kids but once since he passed.  It all hurts.  I am so thankful for everyone here.  Their words and experiences  help .  I realized I am not alone.  I appreciate you all so much.

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Anila, I  hope you find comfort here.   We are all open about our feelings and know there is no judgment here.  I am fairly new here, my son has been gone 7 months now, but some of these ladies have been her for a few years.  I have found their words very comforting.   Even the new ones help me learn . We are all in this together.   Welcome. 

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Michael Rodriguez
13 hours ago, Changed said:

Michael,  is your wife ok now?   That must have been rough going back to that hospital.    I remember a routine visit with our doctor’s practice nurse just a few months after losing David - I became really distressed when she asked how I was and I tried to explain that we’d recently lost our son - she thought it was not natural that I would be so upset after having a few months to get used to it !   She was young but should have had more compassion .

I hope Danielle is getting lots of support at home - it must be so hard for her.      Roz

thanks roz, yes she is doing so much better .....thanks for asking

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning all , everybody has inquired and everybody has introduced themselves ......so i am left with nothing else to say .......waiting on virginia to give us an update on chris....and see how danielle is coping .....and anila welcome to this nightmare site ......although we all care immensely for each other ,,,,,this is the site that brings and holds us together for the most painful feeling of all

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Anila Surani

Thank you so much Lisa.  I feel very lost and I miss him a lot.  I have lost my husband and now son.  I feel very sad about his last few days of life and how hard it was for him to make decisions about life and death for himself.  He was more worried about how I will live my life than his own    That’s very painful for me 

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Anila Surani

Thank you carol.  I am so sorry for your loss. My son died of brain cancer which was diagnosed o Christmas Day of 2019   He had three surgeries chemo and radiation. All failed but he as a fighter and was worried about us than his own life   I am single parent and had gone through some tough time raising my children alone and finally they became adult and gone is very painful for me.   I hope you doing well. Please do share about your son too.  My love and prayers for the peace comfort and solace   May his soul Rest In Peace  Amen 

Yes he passed on April 2021at home 

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Anila Surani

Thank you so very much Roz   I feel like family here. So many people replied and it shows live and comfort for each other’s.  I am glad I joined this forum where loss is felt genuinely and people care 

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Anila, Thank you for sharing your story about your son! May I ask what his name is? You’ve had a lot of pain over this last couple of years please know that we are all here for you we feel your pain! All of us suffer every day but we’ve got each other.  

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Michael Rodriguez

hi anila , my son brian ( B as we all know him) left us on april 14 2021. he was diagnosed with a large tumor on his back on april 7 ,surgeons felt that they could remove as no vital organs had been compromised. operation went well , complications started 36 hours later , left us 48 hours after surgery

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Michael thank you for sharing the story of how Brian left this world and what happened I know it’s so hard to go into such detail and my heart is breaking when I read your post it’s unimaginable!  Sending so many prayers and hugs!! Shel

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Mason’s Mom

I posted a few days ago about PTSD and today was certainly a days of triggers.  My husband had a Dr's appointment that is about a 2 1/2 hour drive.  I knew he wouldn't feel like driving home as he got an injection in his hip joint.  I took the day off to go with him. About 45 minutes into our drive we meet an ambulance,  lights flashing and driving fast. Ambulances are are a trigger and take me right back to the morning of Mason's death.  I have to remind myself as long as the lights are flashing there is hope.  As we continued our drive we pulled up behind a car at a stop light and the car directly in front of us has a window sticker that read " go big M", for me this was a sign from Mason,  I feel like he was saying "hey Mom I know you are having a hard day  but I am with you ". The drive takes us right by his girlfriend's home and where he died and of course that is another shot to my heart.  You can see her horse barn from the road. That morning was the one and only time I had been her home. 

I miss him SO MUCH. 

Carol

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Danielle Masata

Hello all.  Life has been hell here.  I'm overwhelmed and so incredibly busy with details that need attending to, I don't know what to do first.  I feel as if I will miss some important deadlines.  I'm scared.  All this is part of the processing the loss of my husband that hasn't allowed me to process how vastly different my life will be. I am still coping with the devastating loss of my oldest son who died just a year ago.  One year and one week later, I lost my husband.  I have to say that over and over again because I can't believe it's real.

How am I coping? Not well at all, but the biggest obstacle to allow me to grieve was having to host a 30 year old kid, my son's friend.  Neighbors and friends would pop over with goodies, dinners and soups, and breads, and cookies and fruit and every.single,time.I.looked at.this.kid, he was eating all the best that had been brought to us.  My kids barely ate, but this non-family member somehow figured that he could live here, work remotely, and eat us out of house and home.  And he was so noisy and conversations just focused on his issues (he and his wife are having trouble getting pregnant), so I had to hear all about many times.  My stress level finally got so high, I did something I'd never expect to do: directly asked him to leave (I knew he had family members nearby).  The good news is that my blood pressure has calmed down and blood sugars have had less spikes.

But all the details associated with a death is enormous.  For my son, I could simply grieve.  My husband handled the administrative issues. I think this is why I have to cope now: to see what my husband did and therefore know what's involved. Today no different than what is now becoming a new normal.  I started with finding an accountant, then finalizing an obituary, coordinating paperwork for the lawyers, and chasing down the person to confirm the timing of the memorial service.  And so much more needed to get done.

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DEAR DANIELLE,  It’s no surprise that you are overwhelmed and scared as it’s an awful lot to be getting your head around.   The practicalities take up a lot of space and energy and the horror of the reality must be nightmarish.   I’m so sorry that you are in this position - in a little while you will be on top of all the domestic financial admin that your husband took care of and , hopefully , you will feel in control.   All the funeral arrangements and the services will take place and your boys will get back to their own lives - I think that is when you will get the space , both mentally and physically, to process your thoughts .    

I had to re-read your message to confirm that your son’s friend had been staying with you recently. - I couldn’t believe he could have been so insensitive to you and what you were going through right now.    Thank goodness you spoke out and removed him - what on earth was he thinking?    
Your diabetes is probably upset with all the stress and emotion - I trust that it will stabilise as you get a better footing.

Soon you will be able to catch your breath and grieve for Patrick, your husband and your old life without all the necessary urgency and demands that you have been forced to face .   We are all here for you -  keep going .  Love  Roz

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Hi Carol,  rough day for you.  I can imagine how awful it would be to be by Mason’s girlfriend’s house after so long and , Yes, the sticker would have felt very meaningful and timely.  
Triggers are everywhere aren’t they and you got a shed load today.    
Have a chat to Mason about it , Carol - I’m sure that will help.     Roz 

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His name is Neal.  I truly appreciate your love and support   I need some advice on how to go day by day.  It’s hard for me to cope and love my life. It feels empty without him. I just can’t find peace and don’t know how to move on   I know and understand that he is not suffering anymore but I don’t know for sure how he is now and these questions about life after death keep coming in my mind.  Any suggestions from anyone will be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your support and love 

Hello Michael 

 

I am so sorry to hear how your son left you all. My son died on April 8th 2021.  My prayers and hugs. I am there if you need any support   I can imagine what you going through and I still can’t believe he is gone.  It won’t seem real at all.  I look for him and wait to hear his voice every day 

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Anila- I understand what you’re saying and how you feel I too have questions about Life after death as well. My son Blake passed passed away unexpectedly on June 16, 2021! I wonder if he’s warm if he’s crying for his mom it should’ve been me not him I miss him every minute of every day I can cry in a split second I try to go on with life and be happy because I hope that’s what Blake would want but I don’t really know all I know is how much I love him how much I miss him and how much I wish I could go back a year make things different but this is what it is for all of us And we are here for each other!

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I lost my daughter tChristin to a fentanyl  cocaine  over dose. My heart can't take this pain. I thought that if zi got the police report from the night she died I would get some kind  closer but it was the opposite.  I dont know what happened to make her go back to drugs. She had taken a drug test 2 days before she passed away and she passed it . The not knowing is killing me. Her boyfriend left her there to die. He  told 4 different story's  to 4 different detectives. He wont tell me anything and I know he knows what happened. I am afraid what I will do to him when i run into him..Lord help me please

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Hello Judith Fay,  I’m so sorry that you have lost your daughter and that you are in so much pain.   We all understand how devastated you will be and the mental torture you will be going through as you try to understand what happened .   
There are others here who are in very similar nightmares to yourself  and those with entirely different issues and agonies over the loss of their own child but  we come together with our grief.     This sharing of how we are feeling brings a degree of comfort to all of us and I hope you will be able to feel it too.

I lost my own son , David, five years ago.  He lived in Australia and I am in England - he was married with a son , our only grandson.  I have struggled and still do .  

You may find it useful to read the posts on Loss of an Adult Son page on this site - some of them also post on both pages.   

Please take care ,  Roz

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Michael Rodriguez

judith , i am so sorry about your loss, i lost my son last year and has been an eternity of sorrow and pain , and i strongly guess will be the same for the rest of my living years

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Hello, Judith.  I am so sorry for your loss.   Anytime, you feel the need to express yourself you can come here.  We are all over the world, in different time zones so it is usually pretty quick to get a response and some virtual  hugs and comfort.  We are here for you. 

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Hi Lisa - I left you a message towards the top of this page - not sure if you saw it as it got busy with other postings.  Take a quick look if you missed it.
I have read your last message on the loss of adult son page and your lovely news that your daughter and grandchildren will be visiting you later in the year - that is something positive to focus on .   
I know that your heart is hurting and how just functioning is a challenge these days.   Thinking of you.  Roz

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On 1/21/2022 at 3:46 AM, Changed said:

DEAR DANIELLE,  It’s no surprise that you are overwhelmed and scared as it’s an awful lot to be getting your head around.   The practicalities take up a lot of space and energy and the horror of the reality must be nightmarish.   I’m so sorry that you are in this position - in a little while you will be on top of all the domestic financial admin that your husband took care of and , hopefully , you will feel in control.   All the funeral arrangements and the services will take place and your boys will get back to their own lives - I think that is when you will get the space , both mentally and physically, to process your thoughts .    

I had to re-read your message to confirm that your son’s friend had been staying with you recently. - I couldn’t believe he could have been so insensitive to you and what you were going through right now.    Thank goodness you spoke out and removed him - what on earth was he thinking?    
Your diabetes is probably upset with all the stress and emotion - I trust that it will stabilise as you get a better footing.

Soon you will be able to catch your breath and grieve for Patrick, your husband and your old life without all the necessary urgency and demands that you have been forced to face .   We are all here for you -  keep going .  Love  Roz

I  am just a mess  and my anxiety  is bad

I am grateful  for all of you who responded.

I really hate having to be the strong one.Ihave lost 2 daughters now and my only son  lives with me.  Will i ever fill normal again. I fill your pain with your loss. I just  canr move forward without snswer. My husband tries to help I told him this is a journey  i got to do alone. My daughter was his step daughter. My family tells me you got to move on I get pissed until you have been devastated   by the loss of a child you dont know how I feel

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On 1/2/2005 at 9:33 AM, momofJustin said:

Justin K

Went to Heaven January 9, 2004

I can't believe it's been a year since I've seen Justin other than in photographs. Every single day I long to talk to him, touch him, hug him. I don't know how I have made it through a whole year without him. The pain has sometimes been unbearable. Christmas Eve was terrible when I came home and it was "in my face" he wouldn't be here Christmas morning this year for the first time in 15 years. New Years Eve was terrible when I realized it has been a whole year without him.

Justin,

Most friends and family have stopped mentioning your name. Very few still let me know they love you and miss you. Your Aunt D. gave us a beautiful stone for your grave that says how we feel.

A heart of gold stopped beating

Two shining eyes at rest

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best

You touched our life with your kind heart, humor, and love for 15 years. I will never forget you. I like to think of you in Heaven learning new things, creating a perfect, peaceful beautiful place for us to be together again one day. Until then........I love you always.

Mom of Justin

Mom of Justin

Your son will always be watching over you and i can tell your keeping his memory alive. I also think of my daughter in heaven hoping she is pain free and is spendibg her days with her Grandma and Grandpa and her sister. I have my moments where I am mad at her for leaving us. The not knowing why she chose  to do drug after being sober 6 years is killing me.  I know my Christina is watching over me like your Justin is you.

 

 

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