Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Carol----Sorry I missed Mason's Angel Day.  ( a few more computer problems)

I wish there was some words that could be said that would ease

your pain.  I guess in the case of losing dearly beloved children, there

are no words. Only know that I am thinking about you, and sending prayers. 

 

Roz----Yes...those flashbacks are like PTSD, I have read.  I guess it's that 

they are in our minds and hearts....so close to us. David is a part of you--

always.   Peace to you.

 

Virginia-----Your memory of the last Christmas with sweet Nique is a

a bittersweet one. These bittersweet memories are our treasures.....it

brings the tears, but also the smiles.

 

Remember, -----we will all see our Angels again. 

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL  DURING  THE  DIFFICULT  TIMES.

Davey&Lisasmom---sherry

[Changed]

Virginia,  I’m thinking about you this evening and hoping. that you can find some peace and calm tomorrow.    We all know it’s not easy and will always be so - I’m sorry that is what we have and that you are having to face it.    Comfort to you, Roz 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  thinking of you.  Nique is with you in your heart forever. 

[Changed]

I wish you all a peaceful Christmas Day .   Love Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Merry Christmas to each of you.  I hope you have wonderful memories of your beloved children that are no longer here in body.  This morning the physical absence is so painful.  I hope each of you have some family or loved ones to spend the day with. 

Peace and comfort. 

Carol

[daveydow1]

Merry   Christmas  to  All

Hello everyone,.....I know that hearts are heavy on this day.  We miss

our darlings so painfully.  Always that empty feeling..  I am wishing that

each of you will somehow feel the closeness of your Angels as they

are near us.....just in another plane where we cannot be at this time.

WISHING   PEACE  TO  EVERYONE  THIS  CHRISTMAS  DAY.

Davey&Lisasmom.....sherry

[NiquesMom]

I have not felt up to getting on until today.  The anniversary was hard, got it in my head I needed to find the death certificate because I couldnt remember where I had placed it and of course when I found it I had to read it and sat there bawling.  One of the drivers that hit Nique reached out to me, asking how I was (the young lady, not the young man), and I was really touched by that but it took me a few days to be able to respond to her. I had a doctors appt and I had met her right before the 1 year mark (I was having trouble sleeping and went to her for help), she put in my chart I suffer from depression. So at my checkup she asked about my depression, and I just looked at her and asked what depression. When she explains, I said "my daughter had just died and I wasnt sleeping, it was not depression, it was just life, in fact today is 3 years ago she died and I think I am doing pretty good."  Apparently she did not put in my notes anything about why I was "depressed."  

Christmas Eve, kyle was counting down the minutes, watching the Norad santa tracker. We went to lay down and I was singing him Christmas songs, and he started bawling, ended up crying himself to sleep.

Christmas day was pretty good, I teared up but no out and out bawling.

I hope it was more peaceful for you all.

[Changed]

Well that is Christmas 2020 been and gone.  It has been such a weird year hasn’t it?    My husband and I stayed at home and my daughter stayed at her place nearer London because of covid restrictions - that’s ok as we will catch up when it is safer to do so - soon I hope.   My grandson stayed in Australia but that was not expected to be anything other than that so I didn’t fret.    Christmas was pretty much an overindulgent long weekend - I felt no extra emotion but that is probably because David lived in Australia and we had had few Christmas days with him since he left to go travelling so it was not unusual for him not to be here.   Of course , I would love for everything to be different - how it should be -  but I try not to ‘go there’ - I’d be on a hiding to nothing.   I hope you all managed to find some joy and embrace it.

Virginia, when your doctor put down depression on your records without an explanation as to why I think that is very unfair - I’d ask her to add a note - it may matter at some point in the future - I’m thinking travel insurance for one thing.   There is a huge difference between being depressed, clinical depression , grieving and grieving for your child.  I do wonder how much anyone can understand the grief of losing a child without experiencing it .    Three months after losing David we had just got back from Australia and scattering his ashes - we were besides ourselves  with shock and sadness - I had to go for an annual blood test and the nurse asked me if I’d been keeping well - as I tried to answer I began to sob and told her what had happened just before that Christmas.   Do you know what  ( and I am still surprised by it)  she thought that to still be crying like I was three months later was not right - as if it was unusual and I should be over it.    No experience is natural and understandable but no training or compassion is unforgivable.

I await the fresh chapter of 2021 to unfold.    I will try and take everything as it comes and accept that some days will be particularly difficult because I love my son  and miss him terribly .

The kindest of thoughts to you all.   Roz

 

[Dewbs]

Blessings and peace to all of you who grieve.  It makes me crazy (can't think of a better term) when well-meaning people think you should have gotten over the death of a child after 3 months - or even 3 years!  The hurt never goes away, and, although I do not cry as much, I still have times after 3 years when I break down and sob.  It's the little things...passing by the place where I last saw my beloved son, for example.  Gets me every time.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are especially hard because those holidays are family times - heartbreaking every year to be without my child.  I have another son and 2 beautiful granddaughters, but I still grieve for my baby boy.

I agree that there is a vast difference between being depressed and clinical depression due to an imbalance of neurochemicals, but I also know that long term depression can lead to the types of imbalances that can be helped by medication.  After my son died, I experienced PTSD without a doubt.  The trauma of being awakened at 3:30am by a county sheriff to hear the news that confirmed my greatest fear...and the days and weeks that followed...  I developed classic signs of PTSD - sleeplessness, anxiety attacks, hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, and "flashbacks" that caused me to experience symptoms very much like I had after hearing the news - I mean physical symptoms like chest pains, nausea, and panic.  I was able to connect with a very helpful and compassionate therapist who helped me a great deal.  I still see her monthly, and I feel very blessed to have found her.  That's my story, and I know we are not all the same.  What does seem to be universal is the fact that medical professionals are not properly trained and compassionate.

I am looking forward to 2021 - another new beginning.  Actually, every day is a new beginning, and I am grateful to God for that.  Having said that, not a day passes that I do not look forward to leaving this world so that I can be with the ones who have gone before me...especially Aaron.

 

[daveydow1]

Hello   to   All.....

Roz---I agree with you to take each day as it comes.  They are not any easier,

but going a step at a time is more manageable. 

 

Virginia----Sending prayers.

 

Aaronsmom----Yes, the PTSD is common after the horrific shock of losing

your beloved child.  It has been many years for me, but I still have what they

call  "exaggerated startle reflex"......when a person is jumpy, easily startles

by noises or surprise.  It is only 3 yrs. for you on this sad journey, but that is

early times.  We never forget our Angels, and they are in our hearts.  The

heartaches are right alongside our love for them.

 

Carol----How are you doing?  Missing our darlings is especially keen

in the holidays.  They are missed every single day.

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND  COMFORT   TO  ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

[Mason’s Mom]

Sherr, thanks for asking.  We made it through another holiday without our beloved children.  Not only the holidays but my Dad's birthday.  So there have been several emotional days.  For years we have celebrated New Years with very close friends. Due to Covid we didn't get to be together,  so it seems incomplete,  like So many things this last year. 

Maddie is still home from college and that is comforting. 

I think about each of you and hope this year will be better. I know I have said this before however I get so tired of hearing "time heals all wounds". I feel that is the biggest lie,  people who have never lost a child may believe this and I hope they never experience such a loss that doesn't heal. I still feel like I have 2 modes, I am either crying each day or I am numb.  Right now it is numbness,  just get through the day and pray I can sleep to ease the numbness. 

Wishing each of you a better 2021 and hope the gut wrenching attacks are less frequent. 

[Jenni's Mom]

Happy New Year to all.

I haven't been on here since Jenni died. I've read some of the posts and it makes me so sad. I know I'm not alone.  It all seems so overwhelming. Today is a crying day. I'm sitting at work in front of my computer and the tears are flowing. What a horrible Christmas. July 21st 2020 is the day she died.

The first ever Christmas without them. Loosing Jenni and her fiance was bad enough, but we have also lost the presence of the 5 grand children.

We tackled Christmas eve okay enough. It was just my daughter and her boyfriend, plus 1 of my sons and of course my husband and I. We managed to remember her fondly and enjoy each other. However, on Christmas day, everyone that was supposed to show, didn't. Our other daughter went to visit her sister and was supposed to be back with us for Christmas. She changed her mind and stayed in Chicago. Our other daughter and her boyfriend got a surprise weekend on the coast. Our son decided to stay home and the other son has simply stopped talking to us again. We have 6 children between us and here we were alone on Christmas day. I started bawling the morning of and pretty much cried the whole day. I somehow felt betrayed by my other children. This was the one time I needed them all (yes, I told them) and none of them were there. It was the 2nd saddest day of my life. Now, I'm just trying to figure out, how to let go of all this anger. I still ask myself every day "why her". She was the glue to our family, the one that called me every day, the one that came by all the time for no reason at all. I hurt and I'm still so angry. I want to hug her just one more time.

Thanks for listening.

[Mason’s Mom]

Jenni's Mom, so Sorry Christmas was so difficult. Other family members just don't understand.  Perhaps next year you and your husband can start a new tradition and travel or find a getaway. There are things that have changed for us, no more stockings or personal ornaments on the tree. I have years of personal ornaments for each of my children. Not sure what I will do with Mason's. I always thought I would give them to him when he had a family.  For now they stay in storage. Even when we are surrounded with family holidays are Difficult. I would personally not put up a tree but I do it for my girls. For me the tree and decorations are a horrible reminder of the Worst days of my life as Mason passed away on December 17th. 

[Dewbs]

Jenni's Mom, I am sorry you had such a difficult Christmas.  The first Christmas without my son was the very worst but none have been easy.  I remember hoping for more support from my family that first year, but it didn't come.  I was hurt about that as well.  This is a lonely kind of grief.  Others will seemingly move on long before you do - they haven't forgotten your daughter.  They are experiencing her passing in a different way.  It doesn't help to say this I guess, but I say it to let you know that what you are experiencing, especially around the holidays, is "normal".  

Mason's Mom, I still have my son's ornaments too...  I now have 2 granddaughters.  The oldest was 2 when Aaron died, and she occasionally mentions him - when she sees his picture or we talk about him.  My hope is that one day she will want to have his ornaments.  I still have some of his childhood toys - I have yet to clean out his room even though he wasn't living with us when he died.  Aurora likes to go in there and look for toys when she is here (which is rare - my other son lives out of town).  Her dad misses his brother terribly and keeps a picture of him by his desk where he works at home.

I hope you all have a peace filled 2021.  

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia I have been thinking about you.  Hope you are doing better. 

[NiquesMom]

I cannot add pics on here (it always says they are too big!!), but this year I decided I wanted a christmas tree in my bedroom.  I put on purple lights (mine and Niques favorite color), her angel from my brother and all her ornaments.  It is on anytime I am home and is now my nightlight (I hate waking up in the dark).  I love laying there looking at it. 

[Jenni's Mom]

Mason's Mom: We manage to really do enjoy ourselves, even on holidays. We all made a promise that we will talk about her when we get together and we focus on the good. We've managed quite well in finding that kind of joy. As parents, we focus on the other kids and that helps keeping the sadness at bay. Being alone however, yuk. I already said we wouldn't be home next Christmas, but I still can't help feeling guilty about what all the other children will do without us. Yes, even though they are grown :),  I still put up all my decorations and my house looks like Santa's house. I've always loved the warm glow it provides and I still find joy in it. We really try to focus on the good and the day to day things we can find joy in. With a nostalgic sadness from time to time, for them not being here anymore.

Dewbs: That is exactly the issue. The lack of support from others. I know we all have to get through grief in our own way. I decided to be selfish this year and tell everyone I needed them, rather then always stepping back and taking care of them. So, yes, I felt hurt. I never, put my own needs first. Seeing what happened when I did, not a good feeling.

I agree, there is absolutely no comparison in loosing a child. Maybe, a young child loosing their parent. Thank god her children are doing rather well. We shall see. For now her daughter isonly 5 and she seems to be faring okay. Her son, who is 8, is having a little bit of a rougher go at it. Hoping they can cope over the years.

[daveydow1]

Jennismom-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear daughter. I agree.....Christmas, and the

other holidays,  Angel Days, and birthdays are extra tough. As you say, crying becomes a

part of many days, especially in the early times. My son, David, died in a wreck over 17 yrs

ago...and baby Lisa passed many years ago.  There are always "those weepy days" even now,

for me, although not as often, and somehow a bit softer.  You are always with understanding mothers

when you come , to this site.  Everyone here understands, firsthand, the pain and sorrow of

losing beloved children.  I wish you peace.

 

Dewbs------Yes,....others do move past our loss way faster than we do, because out love for

our children who left this world too soon, keeps them so very close to our hearts & in our thoughts.

 

Virginia----I hope that you are feeling a bit better.  The holidays are really hard to navigate when

you're in such pain and longing for your dear daughter.

 

Carol-----It was nice to have Maddie home for Christmas.....I imagine that she may have gone back

by now, right?   I still have a couple of tree ornaments that were Davey's.  Little plaster ones that

he and my daughter Rebecca hand painted, as kids. There was a blank space to paste a picture in. Pretty

cute....I really cherish them.  It is so sad that we are not able to complete this tradition and other traditions,

of passing them on to them.  So many things left unfinished. 

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

[Changed]

I’m just checking in and hoping everyone here is coping.    I’ve been reading your posts and thinking of you all and the different situations and stages we are at.   It’s a difficult road and a lonely one at times isn’t it?    I feel such a fraud far too often - sounding bright when someone calls and we chat  - It’s all superficial - my head is always full of the sadness of losing David.  I’m disappointed   when my own brother never mentions my son , in fact , he has not spoken of him or asked how we are coping since David died - four years!  I’m cross that I play along and sound as if all is well .  I’m not surprised by my brother though as I don’t think he could cope with the emotions that being honest would lay bare , and , truthfully, I wouldn’t want to either as we have never had ‘that’ kind of relationship .  It’s not a biggie for me - we’ve never had a lot to do with each other.       I think that I’m a bit exhausted with all this grief - it takes it’s toll - it’s the feeling that I’m searching for a way to fix everything!  I think about things people here have spoken of and how we will gradually adjust and I’m grateful that they bring hope.  
I need a rocket under me to get motivated around the house but  there seems no point as no one is coming.  I do go for a walk by the sea most days and my pleasure is genuine when we pass kiddies or dogs -  that would point to homing a cat or dog to increase that pleasure and purpose.  I think I’ve mentioned it before (or maybe it was deleted when I was concerned about exposure on this site) but for many years I did animal rescue in Hong Kong and also Singapore - it was so distressing that I’ve not got involved with anything like that since I came back to the uk and I didn’t want the responsibility of a pet as we travelled to Australia annually to see Dave pus other holidays throughout the year - it just didn’t seem fair to leave them so often.   To be honest I don’t think I want to invest my emotions now, I don’t want to be worried or anxious about anything else that is not already in my life even if it brought me joy.    That sounds selfish but it is where I’m at. 
Take care everyone,   Roz

 

 

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Just checking in,  Maddie has gone back to college. So I have several hours of alone time.

Roz, it is exhausting to act like we aren't broken. 

I am going to be a grandmother. Morgan my oldest is 10 weeks.  I pray all the time for  a healthy baby and healthy new mom. I sometimes come close to a panic attack.  I get so scared that something bad will happen.  They aren't making it public knowledge yet, so you guys are some of the first to know. 

[Changed]

Carol, that is the very best of news for you all.   Congratulations.  It’s normal to have a little apprehension about any pregnancy but I do hope that you will be able to park that and enjoy the happy daydreaming and planning.  So much soothing joy coming your way .
Nothing will take away your thoughts about Mason , of course not, we are still unsteady and all these emotions sometimes get so tangled up that we don’t know if we are coming or going.  Mason will be delighted and will want to see you engage without overloading yourself with worry.  Try not to panic . 
Life is not as straightforward as it once was  -  if I’m talking to my grandson ( it’s on face time as he is in Australia) I concentrate on him and not my grief as we chat and laugh ,  it  gets easier but I feel a sense of guilt, I’m not sure why.   David would want me to interact happily with his son so maybe it’s not guilt but just sadness that Dave’s not here with us.  There will always be that longing.

You will be thinking about names before you know it - not for the baby - for you.   I didn’t want to be a nana or a granny . I’m grandma and I love to hear him say it.   Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

I have been on and see that everyone has been quite.  I guess we are all just trying to make it through the days,  weeks and sometimes 1 hour at a time.  The weather is dreadful, cold and there is a chance for freezing rain and snow for several days. Sunday Maddie was home for the day. I was in the kitchen,  Tim and Maddie were watching the movie Blindside.  Excellent movie but pretty emotional. There is a scene where Big Mike protects SJ from an airbag in a car accident.  I heard Maddie crying and she told her dad, Big Mike reminds me of Mason.  Mason would have protected me. When  Maddie started school through kindergarten and first grade Mason walked her to class every day. When She was in preschool I would drop her off and then take my other two on to school.  If she cried so did Mason.  I remember telling him Mason you have to stop,  you make me cry too. He had such a tender heart and I miss him So much. 

[NiquesMom]

Masons Mom,

How are you doing with the weather?  I know my TX family received 7 inches of snow and they never get snow.  It is so dangerous right now.  We are supposed to travel to Virginia in a few weeks, hoping its not too bad.

Watched my son playing with the neighbor who is the same age as him, and he had so much fun, hurts my heart that he is an only child now. Nique was an only child for so long, i know she was lonely too. It just doesnt seem in cards for me to have many babies. It took so long to have my son, and I have had so many miscarriages. I get angry at people that can just keep having babies. Silly anger, I know.

I know Mason is watching and protecting you now, even though you cant see him. I tell Kyle the same thing about his sister.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  the weather has been bad here as well.  Several days of below freezing temperatures.  We are finally seeing a warming trend and some sun.

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to have kids. We struggled with infertility. To finally have a child and then lose them seems so wrong. I feel the same way about people who just keep having babies and don't love and care for them.  I want to take them and give them the love they deserve. 

Enjoy your trip and hug Kyle extra tight. 

[katiedee]

Hello:

I was looking for a place to connect with other parents who have lost their child.  My 37 year old son left this earth a month ago due to unknown causes.  I don't know how to breathe and move on with my life.  I have three other adult children, but I did not expect to outlive any of them.  My days are filled with guilt over missed opportunities to visit with him and his wife.  I feel like I tried, but they seemed to be busy and I understood.  He suffered bullying in school because he was smart.  He suffered bullying from his younger siblings, and I couldn't make them love each other.  He suffered PTSD for  reasons I can't discuss involving the military.  He was the sweetest man with a big heart.  A coworker told me it was a blessing he didn't suffer.  I hate cliches.  I responded that I didn't see any blessings in this.  We didn't get to say goodbye.  If he had lead a life feeling like he was accepted and loved, I think I could be in a slightly better place.  We were close, but I feel he was disappointed in me for not having fixed the bullying.  I know I tried to make the school take action, but when he was in highschool I had to let him find his strength.  He was over six feet tall, but felt small.  His dad was never proactive in getting involved and took a backseat all his young years while I made all the effort to give him a bully free life.  Why is it easier to only think of the bad times and not the good?  We spent much time texting in recent months as he and his wife were planning on moving to Europe and living their dream life.  I had the opportunity recently to tell him how much I loved him and was proud of him and all that he overcame in his life and succeeded at starting his own company.  He told me he appreciated hearing that.  He went to sleep after a great day and didn't wake up.  He did have a genetic heart condition, but no cause has been found - and it's heart wrenching.  I.can't.move.forward.

[Mason’s Mom]

Katie Deeply, you have come to the right place for understanding. My son was bigger than his class mates and had some bullies in his younger years.  When he finally stood up for himself it got better.  I think as parents when lose our children we feel guilt and think we let them down. Be thankful you were able to tell him you were proud of him and loved him. I know people try to comfort us and sometimes their words are painful. Most never experience the pain of such loss. Take it one hour,  one day,  one week at a time.  I won't tell that time heals. You learn to deal with the pain,  it is always with you. I still have times it takes me to my knees.  But I talk about him and feel it is my mission to keep his memory alive. Find something to honor him and work on that. 

[Jenni's Mom]

Hi Katie, guilt is a normal feeling. I agree with Mason's Mom, you had a chance to tell him how proud you were and that you loved him. That is something to be thankful for. I know when my Jenni first died, I couldn't have that feeling. It has been 7 months as of yesterday. The pain changes. It will never go away, but you need to learn to live with it. It is the hardest thing you have ever done. Jenni was the most like me and the closest to me out of all the kids. Sometimes I ask why it couldn't have been one of the other kids. Then of course I feel guilty for saying that  Her and her fiance, who also died in the accident, where always there for us and spent so much time with us. The 5 kids always made such noise. Now, we still see her 2 occasionally, but his 3 are out of our lives. It's tough. We've had some more people die. A close aunt, a cousin and a friends son. Then I had a cancer scare. That's when I decided enough. I needed to focus on the good memories more than the sad fact that she's gone. I still hurt and I still have bad days, but I try to remember the fun times we had together. And god, I hope I get back to being the caring, compassionate person I used to be. I feel like I've lost empathy. And that's not me. There is no greater pain than losing a child in my eyes. Losing a parent is hard, but I feel that's the normal way of life. Losing a child just isn't supposed to happen.  Hopefully, that too will come back. I'm not sure if the summers will be easier or harder. I think easier, because we can go outside and work in the garden. But then I will be reminded every day, that every BBQ going forward will be minus Jenni, her fiance and the kids. Just try your best and keep living your life. Guilt and sadness are all part of grieving. We all just try to make the best of it.

[katiedee]

Mason's Mom & Jenni's mom:

I sincerely appreciate your words.  I can tell that you both loved your child deeply.  I am so very, very sorry for your losses and the pain you've felt.  We definitely share many of the same thoughts and feelings.  Everything I see now, I think to myself that the last time I saw it, my son was alive.  The things I was so focused on at the time just don't matter anymore.  We were busy settling into a new home and getting everything in its place.  Now, today, it doesn't matter.  Anything that takes the focus off my son is a distraction and I don't want to have a moment where I'm not thinking of him.  He didn't get to live out his dream of living in Europe.  I've lived my life, it should have been me that was called home.  But I now know it's okay to feel this way.  I will be getting his ashes soon (and a knife is going through my heart saying that).   We will spend the year honoring him at different times.  We will be going to Amsterdam to scatter some in a canal near where he was going to live.  He spent his last weekend shooting fireworks, so we are having some special fireworks made for his birthday in June.  He loved to scuba, so we will be going to the Gulf to release some.  I asked his wife for one of his shirts that he wore often.  I wanted the most worn out and stained one because that meant he wore it often.  I am making a hug pillow out of it.  

[NiquesMom]

Katie, I am so sorry you are here with us. This is not a place I would ever want to come, but I am glad you found us. We all understand the pain you feel, and we can tell you that while it will never go away, it will change over time. My nique died just over 3 years ago, and I remember when I found this group I could not imagine how I would make it one year. It feels like I shouldnt be able to breathe without her here, and yet we still continue.  All I can say is to let the feelings come, work through them, and there will eventually be a light on the other side. I have more good days then bad, but sometimes it just smacks me in the face "wow, she is gone  " If you can, talk about him, remember him even if it makes you sad, share him with everyone, and that way he will always be with you.

 

[daveydow1]

 Hello to alI............ am finally getting onto my new computer, after several bad times

of glitches that I couldn't figure out.

 

Katiedee----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, so recently. I believe we all

feel guilt when our child passes before us. It is just out of the natural order of things

in life. Bullying is a terribly hurtful thing to a child;.....and sad to say.....many times there

is no punishment for the bully. My son, David, who passed over 17 years ago was also

bullied in school. It seems that the schools, often times, just shrug it off. I have been

on this site for since 2003 when he was killed in a wreck which was not his fault.  This

is so very early for you, and the pain and sorrow can be overwhelming, I know. I also

lost a baby when she was 6 mo. old (Lisa) years ago. I am glad that you had talked to

your son and told him all that you felt in your heart for him.....all the love.  I hope you will

come back here. Everyone knows, and understands, the devastation and loss that comes

to a parent whose child/children have left this world too soon. Peace to you.      

Carol-----Your Maddie must have loved having her big brother look out for her.  She

will always remember those times, and carry the love and closeness to Mason in her heart,

just as you do. The weather was wild here, too, last week....snow, cold, ice storm....very

dangerous to walk outside even to feed the birds. The storms were so widespread.

  It has warmed up this week, thank goodness.

 

Virginia----Glad that Kyle has friends to play with. Bless his heart.  I hope that the weather is

good when you take your trip to Virginia.

 

Jennismom-----I, so, know what you mean about Jenni being the child closest to you, out of

all the children. I have three other adult children whom I love....but my Davey was the one

closest to my heart.  As you said.....Jenni was the most like you. I understand that completely.

I understood my son so well, and he confided in me . He was single, 31 yrs. old.  Your dear

Jenni will be with you .....in your heart & soul forevermore.  The love and closeness holds

it to you. 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

 

[NiquesMom]

I know I say the same things all the time....but its easier to say it here than to my husband.  Kyle cried himself to sleep again.  He had a great weekend, playing with the neighbor kids.  Yesterday he spent a few hours playing in the bounce house with the neighbor girl. I guess it made him feel even lonelier yesterday afternoon when everyone went to do their own things.  I have no words to make him feel better, just feel useless and powerless.

Friday was my mothers birthday (she died almost 22 years ago at the age of 50) and also the anniversary of my brothers death (44 years ago at 5 months old).  I never knew my brother but I always wondered what he would have been like: would he look like me (I look like my dad) or my siblings (they all look like my mom); would he be short like me or tall like my brothers; would we get along? What hurt even more is that people commented on "happy birthday" for my mom and completely ignored my mention of my brother.  I know that I didnt know him but whenever I talk of my moms birthday, his death is always there too, and they ignored it.  Will this be what its like so many years from now when I talk about my daughter? 

[daveydow1]

Virginia----Yes, it is painful when others forget about our Angels and other loved ones..

So many people are so busy with their own lives and families,  I guess that sometimes

our darlings just are not remembered. Very hurtful. Of course you would think of your

brother when thinking of your mom....it is natural to do so.  I, too, have had lots of

times where extended family members....(even immediate family ones) have forgotten.

As it has been said many times....."grief can be a lonely road".  Sorry that Kyle feels

lonely at times.....bless him. 

Davey&Lisasmom---sherry

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, sorry that no one remembers your brother or mentions him. You continue to post and talk about him. Nobody should be forgotten. I am sure your mom would appreciate your thoughtfulness. Like Sherry mentioned grief is a lonely journey. We have each other to lean on. Thanks to everyone that has responded to me and helped me the last few years,  I honestly don't know how I would have coped. Still have some rough days and nights I suppose that will always be the case.

This weekend my girls were talking,  we don't know rhe gender of Morgan's baby but both girls said they hope they have boys and hope he looks just like Mason.  Morgan doesn't say things like that very often.  She keeps her grief hidden from me. She thinks she is protecting me.I hope she comes around and will open up. 

Peace and comfort to all.

Carol

[Francelia]

Hello, I want to introduce myself. My name is Francelia Mosley but please call me Fran 

I recently lost my son Kodi  due to an undiagnosed diabetic condition. He had DKA with brain swelling which caused him to go into a coma with cardiac arrest.  He had no living will so the final decision to stop all medical procedures were up to me.  I am a ER/trauma nurse and this decision was heartbreaking but necessary. Unfortunately, he did not survive until I could fly there and I had to give the order over the phone. 

Kodi was a complex individual and as with any relationship we had our ups and downs. I would get so mad at him and he would not talk to me for several weeks. But he knew that I loved him.  It's only been less then a week and sometimes I can't stop crying, but I know that with time I will be able to accept his passing. I just need to know that there are other people out there that understand my grief.

[Mason’s Mom]

 

Fran, we understand. The last few years before we lost our son had been hard as well. I am so glad to say we had come to a good place before he passed. Crying during the first week is completely understandable. It has been over 3 years and I still cry . Not daily however there is always an underlying sadness that never stops. You will learn to cope with the pain and you find every one here will be supportive. I hope you can find peace and comfort. 

 

[Changed]

Hi everyone,  I’m trying to get back into the swing of things.  I hope that you are all finding calmness and strength.   I see that Katie and Fran have found their way here - I’m so sorry for your losses and that our paths have crossed in such sad circumstances.  There is definitely comfort to be had being amongst parents living with the same grief- people may think it would be even more depressing but that has not been my experience.     There is real understanding here which can be hard to come by in those who have not lived this grief.    My own son , David, died at the end of 2016 - he was married with one child and they lived in Australia.  I live in England so there was already geographical difficulties to accept but now, well now...
I’ve not been coping very well and although I was still reading posts here I was unable to engage. I became quite empty and wasn’t feeling anything much - which was quite strange - then I turned into being over emotional.   Sometimes the realisation that this loss is forever, that he is never coming back, is just too much .

A  friend who I speak to on the phone but haven’t seen for years was being so insensitive when she phoned , obviously long since having forgotten that David had died.   What should I do ?  Remind her? Ignore it?    I told her I had to go and finished the call then dropped her an email saying I was finding it difficult and I may be quiet for a while.  Apart from my husband, the people here are the only people I speak to about how I am coping - they have empathy.   I’m not suicidal , I’m just grieving and behaving as if I’m not for other people’s  sake so that they are not embarrassed can be so draining.

please all take care- I often think with gratitude of those who still write here to give us support as we stumble about on this painful journey - peace  ,   Roz

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz,  I have been experiencing the empty feeling too. I want to be happy and look forward to being a grandmother for the first time but my emotions are so far out of balance.  A part of me wants a little girl so it doesn't remind me of Mason and then sometimes all I want a little grandson. No one will ever take Mason's place and I struggle. I know I will love this sweet child and I want my daughters to experience motherhood. There's no greater blessing than a baby. 

I sometimes wish we could all meet one another, I would love for us to share the memories of our children who left way to soon.

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Francelia]

Today is Kodi' birthday

This will be my first birthday after he passed. I'm just feeling numb right now. And it's only been a week. But it helps me to know that the days will get easier with time and the support of my family.  I think that I am going to watch all the Bourne movies in his honor (he loved them). And if I cry on and off today it's ok.

Thank you to everyone who responded to me. Your words of encouragement and your stories give me strength.

[Jenni's Mom]

Hi Francelia,

I hope you'll get through today alright. I can't imagine. I talked to my daughter yesterday about how hard this 1st birthday will be without her sister. I've had a tough couple of weeks. It's getting warmer, the sun has been out, BBQ's are coming and we won't have the 7 of them around us.

Crying is okay and so is laughing. Whatever gets us through is allowed. Wishing you the courage to make it past today.

[Mason’s Mom]

Happy Birthday to Kodi. The first are all so hard. Each holiday or life event without them is hard too. Sounds like you planned the day in honor of him

 He would like that.  Cry all you want,  everyone grieves in their own way.  There is no right or wrong. 

[Changed]

It’s Mothering Sunday , or Mothers’ Day , in the uk today.   I read someone saying to give a thought to all those children who have lost their mum and all those mothers who have lost their child - I thought that that was a very kind and genuine consideration.     Apart from when my children were tiny I have never regarded it as an important date - more of a date to boost sales - I’ll hang on to that to spare me getting emotional but I did feel it acutely for  children missing their mum and other grieving mums.    This is a tough old world.

I hope that everyone here, old and new, are coping as best they can.    I wish you all the gentlest of  days and a chance to rest your minds.    Roz

[katiedee]

Hello:

I've been keeping up with all new and previous posts and re-reading them.  What is common among all of us, is the intense love we have for our children.  It's a bond that cannot be broken, even in death.  It is something we can never prepare ourselves for because it is so final.  It is something we will not get over because our memories will keep our children alive in our hearts.  We do not want someone telling us that it will get better or easier as time goes on.  We have built our lives around our children, loving them every day through good and bad times.  We were their protector, their life coach, their biggest fan and their friend when they needed us to be.  To wake up every day and know that the new normal is not hearing their voice, not making plans for the future that would include them, not making a mental note to tell them about something you saw/read/heard the next time you talked, is absolutely heart wrenching.  And even if we find ourselves in a moment of not thinking about them, it's not a better moment.  Yes, we may try to go about our lives with some kind of normalcy, but we know it will never be the previous normal again.  To survive we try to complete a daily task, but our minds/hearts are elsewhere.  We may have other children who are still in the present, and while we love them as much, our hearts are still grieving for the one/s who aren't here and it's mentally exhausting to try to be fully in the moment with our surviving children - and we feel guilty about that as well because we know at any moment we could lose them too.  

Grief does change a person.  We must accept our lives will never be the same.  Our family and friends and coworkers must accept it and not expect us to "return to normal."  I wish they knew that calling and chatting about their day in a cheerful voice is not what we want to hear.  I don't want to know how great your life is going, unless you have lost a child.  I do not want to hear you ask me in your cheerful tone, "Hey, how's it going?  I've been so busy (blah, blah, blah)."  I am not ready to go there with you because the last time I did, my child was alive.  I want to connect with my grief friends on this forum.  I want to support them and let them know I understand and hurt for them and for myself.  I want to tell everyone that whatever you're feeling is neither right or wrong, because they are your feelings and you are entitled to feel them.  

I know that one day we all will figure out how to put one foot in front of the other, how to breathe and how to feel some peace in our heart and soul when we think of our child.  I absolutely believe we will get there.  Peace is not happiness.  Peace is a calmness that will replace some of the pain, but not all of it.  That's the most I know I can hope for, for myself, at this time.  We will forever be changed, but we must give ourselves grace.  It's easy to get locked into paralyzing thoughts, that if we could just let them go for a small moment, we could find a little bit of peace.  These thoughts will still be there to deal with later.  It's okay to let them go dormant so we can breathe.  It's okay to have a forced procrastination of these paralyzing thoughts. And it is okay to have a moment of happiness or laughter because we know we will be returning to our thoughts of sadness and grief over the loss of our child.  It's such a journey and if I could take the hurt away from everyone here, I would do it in a heartbeat.  But just know I care and understand your pain.

[Jenni's Mom]

Hi katiedee.

I don't think any of us could've said it any better. There is so much truth in what you said. And it can only be understood by someone who is going through this.

I'm with you. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel in the moment. The pain does ease, but life will NEVER be the same again. The bond is there even after death. I see myself trying to find a sign from my Jenni every time there's something strange happening with wildlife. Every hopeful it is a message from her and her fiance, telling us we are OK Mom. I think often of the wedding that will never happen. I see the sadness in the grandchildren. I'm so grateful that my husband and I have been able to pull together instead of apart as so many couples do.

May we all find the strength to get through this.

[Francelia]

Hello everybody,

Today is my birthday and the first birthday without Kodi.  He would always text me for birthdays and holidays. So, today I'm going to remember the happy times and laughter we shared. This site has been so inspiring and understanding. I can't thank you enough. May everyone have a peaceful day.

[Changed]

Hi Fran ,  I’m thinking of you focusing on the happy fun times you had with Kodi  on this your birthday and it being so close to Kodi’s birthday too.    It’s actually my birthday on Thursday .   I’ve put up birthday cards off my son , David , that I kept which he sent me whilst he was travelling the world - he was an adventurer .
 David, lived in Australia - we had to fly from where we live in England to his funeral in Australia at the end of 2016 -  I truly don’t know how we managed to do that - I think shock helps in those early weeks.   For the first year I could watch videos of him and our holidays with him taken over there - it was bitter sweet - but I seemed to drift into not wanting to face the videos and , in fact, I haven’t watched them for a couple of years now.  No doubt the time will come again when I press play.  
Your mind must be full to the brim with everything that has happened -  we all understand  - take care,  Roz
 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, mother's day is so very difficult. I try to make the day about my children and how each is special. 

Katiedee I have been asking God to bring me peace for a while.  I couldn't pray for awhile after losing Mason but as soon as I could I have begged for peace. I feel it would be so great to just feel peaceful. I want that for all of us.

Happy Birthday Fran, I tell myself that Mason would be upset with me if I let myself stop living.  I am sure you will feel the same about Kodi. Let yourself cry and grieve in any way that helps.

Carol

[Dewbs]

Dear Friends,

I came across a website called A BED FOR MY HEART https://abedformyheart.com/ that I want to share with you.  I haven't gotten through all of it - there is quite a lot to read - but the person who put it together expresses so much of what I feel...  She says it much better than I ever could.  It is from the mother's point of view, but certainly applies to fathers as well.

I have no idea how I came across the website Sunday, but God has a way of putting things in our path when we least expect it.  

Susan

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

Hello all,

I have been reading and hoping we all can get to a place that is somewhat "normal".  We took a week in Virginia, pretty nice, but the most awkward moment was at a museum when one of the actors asked me how many children I have.  My son just looked at me, and I had no idea what to say. So I said I have 2.  Then he asked me how old Nique is, and I just didnt want to go into all of it, so I said she is 21 (even though she was 18 when she died).  Kyle just stared at me the whole time, but didn't say anything.  Not sure if it was the right way to handle it

Fran, happy birthday to you and Kodi. I know the first year I didn't want to do anything but my 5 year old wanted to celebrate so we went to dinner. I have gotten better about putting on a happy face, but I don't know that I feel any JOY anymore. I don't really look forward to anything but I put on the face for others.

Katiedee, I don't pray necessarily but I talk to my daughter all the time, and since I know she is with God, I think it works the same. My only advice is to keep talking and asking for them to help your heart feel better. That's what I do anyways.

I know I read everything everyone posted but cannot remember long enough to type this response to comment on everything.  Thats another thing that has changed: I have the memory of a fruit fly.  For the new people, if you are experiencing this, its completely normal.  I am 3 years in and just write everything down because otherwise I probably wont remember it.

Peace to all

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, that question is a hard one.I just talked to my mom about how to answer "how many children do you have ". I always answer 3, if they ask as for details I tell them " my oldest daughter is 28, my son would be 24 however he passed away a few years ago  and my youngest daughter is 20 years old. For me I will always be his mom and I want to acknowledge him. Sometimes I shed a few tears and sometimes I can say it without the tears.  Just like everything else we have to handle this in our own way. 

I talk to Mason everyday.  I look for signs from him and it is surprising how often I hear things or find something I feel like it was placed in my path.  On the anniversary of his death I was walking out the door to go to the cemetery and a little feather floated down right in front of me. Last week I walked outside on break,  just walking around my yard and I look down and in my path was a heart shaped leaf. Maybe just a grieving mom seeing signs that don't exist but it brings me comfort. 

Peace and comfort to all.

Carol

[Changed]

Virginia,  glad that you got away for a break - it must do you all good.   When asked how many children I have I would include David too.  If it was a casual encounter, like your museum actor, I wouldn’t elaborate either.   Throughout all of his life Kyle will be asked how many brothers and sisters he has and, I imagine,  he knows how best to answer so it never throws him - so that it comes naturally.  Do you think he may be confused about why it sounded as if she was still here with you and older?    Do you think that maybe he would feel as if he has to do the same?   A little chat should clear all that up in his mind before it’s an issue.   He sounds so loving and sensitive and you have such a close relationship.   I miss that .

Peace to you, Roz