Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

Virginia, That must be such a relief to you all.   I hope Chris continues to make good progress and can get home to you and Kyle as soon as possible 

How moving that Nique had kept your clothes to wear when she might need them in pregnancy.  That is so sweet that she would want to - even though she didn’t get to do that don’t let it stop you being pleased that she felt happy and comfortable enough to  - you must be very close.    

Kindest thoughts,  Roz

 

[Changed]

Carol,

 The joy Magnolia brings will be so pure , a godsend.   It must be a sense of relief to be guilt free in a truly happy moment.   I feel like that with my grandson - even on our visit just after we lost David.  Everything else switches off.
David had very pale eyes and his son also - David took a close up of his son’s eyes and I can see Dave reflected in them , taking the photo - I never noticed until after David died.   I have a lot of videos of David with his son - they were sent back to us in England to keep us updated - David is mostly off camera but occasionally we see him - it is very painful but I have to remember that the vids captured happy moments in his life and I should try not to let what happened later sour all that was good.  Easier said than done.

peace,  Roz

[Changed]

Wednesday afternoon.   For some reason I am on my knees with grief today.  I’ve cried so hard that my head hurts and my heart was pounding , my hands are still shaking .  None of that is good - I’m trying to  breathe properly .  I don’t want my son to be dead - I want him to be ok for his and all my family’s sake.  If I fall totally in bits then that would hurt them further.

I don’t need to explain as you will all understand - it’s a bad day .  My mind is going to a very dark, sad place.   

I cannot fix the hurt , ever.  Whilst I live I will have to cope or disappear into grief.   
Just these few lines here have made me calmer - probably because we are all in the same boat and I don’t feel judged or pitied.  I actually have no one in my life , apart from my husband, who I would turn to to share how bad I’m feeling.  My daughter would be so worried and distressed if she saw me in such a state., The very few people I’m still in contact with would make the right noises but they are long over my grief.   I very quickly , after David died,  recognised how superficial and brief my ‘friends’ shock and horror was.   They soon got over it and avoided the topic - it wasn’t their child after all and they assume I’ve ‘got over  it’ now.   
   So , thank you , to everyone who shares their pain here and allows me to feel less strange or unusual because I know I’ll be missing and longing for my son forever.  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Oh Roz. I do understand. Sometimes just letting the emotions take over and having a complete meltdown is helpful.  While you are in the midst of the pain you may think you won't recover. I tell my family that I have to let out my emotions and pain as holding it in is very unhealthy. I hope you can rest and get up feeling less burdened. 

Earlier you mentioned videos of David.  I haven't been able to get to that point.  I ca look at pictures but no videos. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

Roz, dont feel bad......driving back home last nite i had to stop on a road side because i was overwelmed with sadness, guilt and self pity///// we all miss our kids .....i breakdown everyday , some days more than others .........i just want to run away and be alone for a few months....i want to grieve by myself .

we all understand that having bad days for us "freaks" that have lost our most cherished love is normal.....so just do it we all do.....and usually we feel better after a good cry. life keeps on going for the rest of the world , we just walk in existence.

i hope you feel better today

[Changed]

Wednesday late afternoon/early evening.    I’m a lot more in control again now with just a headache left - I went out into the garden for a couple of hours to do some heavy duty clearing on the top of a Devon bank at the bottom of my garden that was  totally overgrown.  I’ve just come in and have settled down.  I needed the distraction and physical effort.   Thank you both for responding.

My daughter is in London for a few days doing walking tours and trips on the Thames - she lives near London and is into culture and history so she goes there often.  She had sent me photos that were waiting for me when I came inside of where she was visiting today and it was grounding and comforting to see her doing normal , interesting things.  
 

Michael,  The feeling you spoke of - wanting to go somewhere to be alone to be with your grief - is exactly how I’ve felt .  I have always wanted to run to a quiet cabin or caravan to lick my wounds I think.  Never managed it and rarely get any length of  time  to myself but it is my ‘go to’ thought . I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say that before - it resonated with me.

It is very early days for you and you will be doing well just to get through each day.   Despite my meltdown today, slowly, slowly I have found that my grief has altered - it’s been 4 yr 9 mth since I lost David - there has been a lot of change in me and sometimes it’s one step forward and two back - but if I’m honest it is     a less crazy feeling these days  (apart from today) .  Often on here people have spoken of unexpected, uncontrollable break downs in public during this heartbreak - I’ve had many in the past and I recall my husband going into town - he told me as he was walking he saw a little girl trip - she was fine but my husband said it made him sob  - he was beside himself and apparently took a while to recover.  So unlike him but a sign of how sensitive and delicate we become. 
 

Carol, well  I certainly did let it all out.     About the videos -  I know them all backwards as I watched them over and over again when he first sent them , nowadays I do brace myself and prepare mentally with the reminder that I’m watching happy times and try not to spoil it with the thought that there can not be any more.  I have one off Dave that is very short - he was out in the bush of Australian not long after he arrived ( he was a huge adventurer and nature lover) and had spotted an unusual creature - he did a close up of his own face to the camera and was whispering to us so as not to disturb - it’s lovely - he is showing everything I love about him.  I look right at his handsome, kind face as he tells us what he’s doing .  I touch the screen to trace his features - I try to smile back and the more I watch it the more easy it becomes - the first time is the hardest.  My daughter is not able to watch any of them but then she doesn’t want to see ones of her grandmother , who passed six years ago and who we all adored , either.      When the time is right you will watch Mason again on video -  you will have a familiar cry , of course, but only you will know when you are ready.    As an aside, the only pictures of myself that I have since David died have been with his son , my grandson , when we have met up with him -  then we take snaps or vids together but no others of me - so many changes to all aspects of our lives - a big part of ourselves is gone and that is how it is , we now have to figure out how we continue .

Thanks again for the help M and C   Roz 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

roz. i even have a plan.... B and I are Jeep guys , naturally i was the father so i drove a grand cherokee , well i just traded it for a brand new jeep rubicon gladiator ( B's favorite car) 

if i hit the back roads, it will take me a couple of days to get to the Ruins in Copan .....and i think it should be quite an adventure ,,,,,doing it all alone with B in my heart , listening no his playlist and sleep in small rural honduras villages ....... eat some refried beans with tortillas and carne asada .....done the real way !!!! 

what do you guys think ????

[Danielle Masata]

I have had those moments of intense grief too.  There I was, gleefully singing on the Garden State Parkway, in the car (which i always loved to do) and suddenly I felt overwhelmed with tears and loss.  The folks near me (I was in a traffic jam) must have wondered what I was listening to.  The answer: myself.  Maybe Patrick was with then too.  (I write that but I think he's always with me.)  These periods of great sadness don't show up often, and in fact they wear me out, but I'm not sure the malaise/depression I generally feel is any better.  I too try to figure out a plan of action.

Michael, I love your plan B.  A long drive to no where, in a car that B would have loved, listening to his music.  Can I join you?  (Naw.... but I'll join you in spirit).  My husband is aching to go somewhere too.  I'm not sure if that's simply due to his feeling about the lingering pandemic or if he just needs a change due to Patrick or the change of season.  He is definitely trying to figure outings and comes up with suggestions almost daily.  We live in suburbia, so no mountains and deserted roads for us, but we really need some kind of a temporary change. 

As for watching videos: I've seen most of them (except one that my youngest sent which shows Patrick playing with our dog.  I'm sure that one would break my heart!).  I especially miss hearing Patrick's voice.  I mean, I have so many photos of him and I say good night to one in particular every evening as I shut down my computer, but I haven't gotten any good ones of him in a video.  His former roommate sent me a really short one of him wiggling to music. And other clips of Patrick doing some sports moves. But nothing that captures a sincere, lengthy message of his kid that I love and miss just talking to me as he once did so frequently.  I worry that someday, those videos will be lost somehow, unlike photos which I can hold and store and go back to. These days, I also worry about a time when -- months from now, when I'll try to dig up videos or FB messages and those visuals/messages would be unavailable to me.  I'll have to prove his death, get denied access due to new passwords required.  It's this passage of time which has stopped for me, but in the name of "progress", for no one else.  In this way, I'm certain I would not feel so deeply sad if I had grandkids.  I think I could focus on them and the future, rather than just the past and what I'm missing today.

[Changed]

Michael ,  I think that trip sounds very therapeutic and a great idea.  I see no harm in it and the quiet time would give you the opportunity to explore your emotions.   Anything that helps us through.   What about the practicalities, your wife and your company , can you make it possible?
 

Danielle,   My daughter-in-law ( David’s wife/widow) is still just her and my grandson living in Australia- there is always the possibility that she could re-marry and we could easily be sidelined - it’s hard enough from this distance as it is.  I hear of it so often with grandparents after their child’s divorce or, more tragically, their death - if their daughter is widowed or divorced then they will probably be able to maintain a strong relationship with the grandkids. If their daughter died then they have to rely on the husband to keep connections going. It’s a lot more complicated if it is a son who divorces or dies - you are hoping that the mother, who is not your child, will keep you in the loop but there are no guarantees .   So far we have managed to have meet ups with them in Australia and mid way in Hong Kong just to touch base.   My daughter is married but has never wanted children - that is her and her husband’s choice - I’d have loved her to have some but have never nagged or pressured her about it and she is grateful for that - btw she is my grandson’s legal guardian if anything were to  ever happen to his mum .     
 

This may be of interest to you both.   My husband and I were wallowing in our misery and hadn’t moved except to visit our grandson and all that involved, this was  a year or so after we lost David pre covid-19 , when we saw a late break in Italy - we didn’t allow ourselves to think too much about it - just booked and flew.   It was good for us - low key and kept ourselves to ourselves.  I don’t remember speaking to anyone else and we’d go to our room straight after dinner each evening.   We visited Pompeii and walked around silently.  Other days we took a bus trip along the coast or a boat to Capri.  It sounds as if we were on holiday but it was a weird time and we were like we were sedated - the grief was there but a bit out-of-body .  Strange.   It helped  us just for the distraction and it could have been anywhere.  We have done it again to other spots but always peaceful , no mixing with others and moving about all day to keep busy  then back to our room for the evening .  We didn’t have to act happy for strangers and no-one knew what we were about.   Everywhere felt so different that it didn’t allow our usual constant , troubled thoughts to dominate our heads.
 

Take care, Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

1 hour ago, Changed said:

Michael ,  I think that trip sounds very therapeutic and a great idea.  I see no harm in it and the quiet time would give you the opportunity to explore your emotions.   Anything that helps us through.   What about the practicalities, your wife and your company , can you make it possible?
 

Danielle,   My daughter-in-law ( David’s wife/widow) is still just her and my grandson living in Australia- there is always the possibility that she could re-marry and we could easily be sidelined - it’s hard enough from this distance as it is.  I hear of it so often with grandparents after their child’s divorce or, more tragically, their death - if their daughter is widowed or divorced then they will probably be able to maintain a strong relationship with the grandkids. If their daughter died then they have to rely on the husband to keep connections going. It’s a lot more complicated if it is a son who divorces or dies - you are hoping that the mother, who is not your child, will keep you in the loop but there are no guarantees .   So far we have managed to have meet ups with them in Australia and mid way in Hong Kong just to touch base.   My daughter is married but has never wanted children - that is her and her husband’s choice - I’d have loved her to have some but have never nagged or pressured her about it and she is grateful for that - btw she is my grandson’s legal guardian if anything were to  ever happen to his mum .     
 

This may be of interest to you both.   My husband and I were wallowing in our misery and hadn’t moved except to visit our grandson and all that involved, this was  a year or so after we lost David pre covid-19 , when we saw a late break in Italy - we didn’t allow ourselves to think too much about it - just booked and flew.   It was good for us - low key and kept ourselves to ourselves.  I don’t remember speaking to anyone else and we’d go to our room straight after dinner each evening.   We visited Pompeii and walked around silently.  Other days we took a bus trip along the coast or a boat to Capri.  It sounds as if we were on holiday but it was a weird time and we were like we were sedated - the grief was there but a bit out-of-body .  Strange.   It helped  us just for the distraction and it could have been anywhere.  We have done it again to other spots but always peaceful , no mixing with others and moving about all day to keep busy  then back to our room for the evening .  We didn’t have to act happy for strangers and no-one knew what we were about.   Everywhere felt so different that it didn’t allow our usual constant , troubled thoughts to dominate our heads.
 

Take care, Roz

i just want some alone time if i am able to pull it off. i have not had a vacation in 17 years , my wife has had pleanty of trips same as B .....ive always been to busy at work and now regret it. but i did spend most of my days with B as we worked together and had the same taste for every thing. i came back to tegucigalpa early today and had the time to come to the cemetery .  its already almost 6 pm here so i get to be alone with him. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Danielle,  I worried about losing Mason's cell phone greeting.  It took me 3 years to turn off his service.  I would call his phone just to hear him. I recorded his message and sent it to my husband so we both have it saved. Someone has his number now,  my daughter's got messages that Mason had signed into Snapshot. Of course it was the new owner of his number.  Both girls were pretty upset. They miss him too. 

[NiquesMom]

Danielle and mason's mom,

I have voicemails Nique left me, I had them sent to my email and when I really want to hear her again I will listen to them, but always end up crying.

Double edged sword.

[Michael Rodriguez]

you guys are really brave ........i could not handle listening to B's voice .....it would just kill me....just thinking about it has me all in tears

[Danielle Masata]

I have tried in vain to find recordings of Patrick.  Oh sure, I have one when he's arguing with his dad when he had too much alcohol, but that's all slurry and sad.  (My husband was so incredibly patient.  Oh how he hurts now, although he rarely talks about it.)  Last night, I was texting Patrick's gf and I was telling her about what I saw once: Patrick sounding so incredibly happy as they spoke.  I visualize it as if it just happened: the phone on the table.  He's so happy he's not even able to sit.  It almost looked as if he was dancing, yet I know he was just happy and full of energy.  I had to ask him later who he was talking to.  I didn't even know about her at the time and just how much he cared.  It was one of those moments when I have neither a visual or auditory record.  I have so many of those!  Carol and miquesmom, how lucky you have a recording and voicemails.  I too would have saved them.  In fact, I have saved absolutely everything since that day including the packaging of the small candies Patrick got us to stick in our Christmas stockings as he did every year.  (he loved Christmas and he loved giving gifts.) So who will do that next year?  I loved that Patrick gave us all a little extra something (usually candy) there.

I'm finding this whole grief process to be such an evolution.  Sometimes I think about what Patrick would be doing if he was here.  Once I wrote a list of the things where he was "truly happy", like playing with the dog or zooming with his gang of friends.  I balanced this with an album i made of the many photos I had taken of Patrick when he struggled.  As a youngster, he looked so very anxious, hiding behind my legs, or needing to be held by his pre-K teacher. sucking his thumb for comfort.  I included photos of him when he had been assaulted and then recovering from the many surgeries he needed to be repaired.  I was a bit conflicted about having these photos, but I think it helped me to remember how he struggled and that now he is, at last, at peace.  I hide this album along with my list of "truly happy" moments so no one else has to go through those times.  But yesterday, I also watched the YouTube video that Michael posted a week or so ago, "If Tomorrow Starts Without me...".  I had not thought of that direction involving religion for quite sometime.  How is it that reading about grief, or even talking about it doesn't seem to hurt nearly as much, but thinking of Patrick in a different direction, that is -- making a choice to be with God, felt traumatic.

About travel excursions: After Patrick's memorial service, my husband decided it would be a good distraction to go to Florida to do a little real estate shopping.  We have wanted to do this for years and years, and finally decided that it was finally a good time to do just that.  We no longer had the worry of leaving Patrick for any length of time. Only thing, our timing couldn't have been worse, except that it was before the Delta infection rate went wild.  But the cost of housing there was so incredibly jacked up, (like prices had risen about +200% and more from when an owner purchased a house in February and flipped it 3-4 months later).  It was by far way too exhausting and we returned home so defeated.  Skip that idea!  Now we just take small day trips.

Roz, I might even seriously consider moving to Australia if we had a grandchild.  I have two other guys and Lord help them if they have children.  I'd be right there!  Having spent the past 18 months doing remote teaching with my students, there's nothing like seeing someone in person.  I'm glad you and your husband are making a point to visit.  She'll remember you that way.

[NiquesMom]

My husband is in the ICU, sedated and on a ventilators. I was allowed to go to the hospital for 30 min to talk to his dr. I told Christopher how much I love him, to let the machines and meds help him heal, that he is not alone.

Walking into the ICU I was having flashbacks to Nique: sitting in the empty room waiting for the dr, talking to a body that can't respond.

His nurse is a nice young man. I told him his hair remind me of my daughter abs then told him how she passed. I normally don't tell complete strangers. I believe she sent him to let me know she is there.

This sucks. Kyle is pretending everything is ok. Christopher is my rock, my balance, and my whole world is upside down again without him here.

[Danielle Masata]

Oh Virginia!  I have been praying for you and had been so happy to see your Monday post.  New challenges, but your visit holds a very special magic too.  Here's sending cyber hugs to you and Kyle.

[Changed]

Virginia,   It must be hard needing to be in ICU again and I fully understand why you shared with that nurse.  Rest assured that your husband is getting the help he needs - it may take some time so please take care of yourself whilst you wait - not easy, I know.   Are you far from the hospital ?  Over here in the uk hospital visiting is restricted and I know that has caused more misery for families.  So sorry for you having to deal with this.  Peace and strength,   Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia I continue to pray for Christopher and you. It is so good that you got to talk to him, I really think having your loved ones visit is the best medicine.  Roz is right take care of yourself. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[NiquesMom]

I only got to visit the day he was intubated. Now I am just waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for daily updates. There are some good signs, but it is a waiting game. This is so hard. With Nique she was there one moment and gone the next, completely unexpected and unprepared. This is hard because I hope for the best and yet have to prepare for the worst.  Kyle is holding all his emotions in, pretending everything's normal.

 

I am so grateful for the nurse that snuck me in this week to see him when I was in the ER for pneumonia. I was able to touch him, hold his hand, kiss his hand. When I dropped him off at the ER 12 days ago, I just gave him a quick hug and said "i'll be back".  If he dies I did not want that to be the last time I saw him. 

I keep talking to nique asking her to take care of him. I talked to god, said you took my mom when I was 19, my dad when I was 33 and my daughter when I was 37. I just want to grow old with my husband. 

[Changed]

Virginia,  Thinking of you.    I’m not religious these days but you are all in my thoughts .    Keep as positive as you can , I know you have had far too much loss in your life, but try to stay strong.  Love Roz x

[NiquesMom]

Thank you for the prayers. On Monday my husband coded. They revived him after 3-4 minutes. They were able to test his cognitive functions, he followed their commands which is good. My in laws came in last night and in am going to take them to the hospital this morning. This can still go either way. I am trying to remain positive and have hope. But I am so scared. I am not ready to lose him. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia sending positive thoughts your way. 

[Changed]

Virginia,  you will have some support with you now as well as you supporting them .   Good that you are staying positive.
 It is such a horrible situation to be in and I’m sure we all feel for you as you get through it.   I’m willing  your husband to pull through and get back to you all soon.  Roz

[Danielle Masata]

5 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Thank you for the prayers. On Monday my husband coded. They revived him after 3-4 minutes. They were able to test his cognitive functions, he followed their commands which is good. My in laws came in last night and in am going to take them to the hospital this morning. This can still go either way. I am trying to remain positive and have hope. But I am so scared. I am not ready to lose him. 

Oh Virginia!  I send you my deepest wishes and prayers.  It's now Wednesday just after lunch as I write this and just a few hours after you last wrote.  I hope, hope, hope you get some good news.  I am happy your in-laws are with you during this terrible ordeal and also happy you continue to stay positive.  Cyber hugs as you wait.  We're here for you.

[NiquesMom]

Thanks for all the kind words. I flew my mother in law here to see Christopher. I know I would have given anything to have had had the opportunity to talk to Nique one more time. He is heavily sedated when they saw him on wednesday. Friday we went back to the hospital as his mom wanted a priest to do a blessing. They had turned down the sedation and christopher would open his eyes when you said his name and move his head towards the person talking. If this is the last time we get to see him, I am grateful he was a bit cognizant that we were there.

Cant sleep, eating too much. Trying really hard to remember other people have things going on too. Trying not to be in my head all the time.

My neighbor says I am strong for everything I have gone thru. I say I dont have a choice. I keep going for kyle.

Bought kyle his Halloween costume, to give him something to be excited about. He has started having a few outbursts, which I know is because he is holding all his emotions inside. 

How will I do this if Christopher dies? He was my rock when Nique died, helped me pick up the pieces. I dont have anyone to do that now.

[Changed]

Virginia, you are doing really well keeping up the ‘normal’ for Kyle.    Try not to think of the worse that could happen - remember the fact is that  your husband is ill in hospital with an equal chance of getting better and coming home  but  because of what happened to Nique there is the natural tendency to think more negatively at times.   It sounds as if Chris is doing as well as can be expected at this stage as they reduce the sedation and he responds to you - whilst he has been there his body has been given time to start its recovery .  It’s a very hard time for you balancing patience and positivity with the fear.

 I hope you can get some sleep to recharge but I wouldn’t care about eating too much as you are probably burning up lots of nervous energy anyway.   Take care  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia right now what is happening within your family is your whole world so whatever is going on outside of your world doesn't matter. Try to eat and rest, WHEN Christopher get better he is going to need you.  People tell me I am strong too,  I guess because I continue to live and work I must be strong.  It is exhausting to act like I am okay,  so I know you have to be beyond exhausted.  Please try to rest and give Kyle love he wants to be strong for you. You have done such a good job of being his mom, he sounds like such a good kid. 

Carol 

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia, right now focus on kyle and yourself , have faith that christopher is in good hands and will make it alright. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Maddie was sent home from college today because she is sick and tested positive for Covid. I am so scared,  Morgan, her husband and sweet Magnolia are still living with us as Covid has slowed the finish of their home addition and remodeling.  My husband has sleep appenia and sleeps with a C-pap machine.  He is a stress eater and has gained a lot of weight since losing Mason,  I worry so much about him. Anyone that can offer a prayer it would be much appreciated. I still struggle with prayer from time to time especially when it comes to my close family members. It is hard to not remember my unanswered prayers for Mason. 

[Danielle Masata]

Carol, you and all those I have to come to know on this site are in my prayers everyday.  I'm sorry Covid has filtered into your lives. I worry about that here too, but luckily the infection rate in the area isn't so bad.  Nonetheless, I got my booster shot on Saturday because of my medical history.

The stresses we all feel this year are overwhelming.  My response is my terrible lack of sleep.  (Note, it's 2:00am as I write this!)  I'd be a stress-eater too, except as a brittle Type 1 diabetic, it would take days and days to recover.

Virginia, you are amazing and doing everything right.  It's terrific you thought to get a Halloween costume for Kyle.  It's nice he has something fun to look forward to.  I hope now that school is back in session, his buddies and school programs (and homework) keep him busy.  He needs those distractions.

[NiquesMom]

Masons mom: this is such a scary time. I have you in my prayers. Did she get the monoclonal antibodies? That wasnt an option when we got sick (they opened the first site here a week after we fell ill) but I hear it helps. I pray everyone remains safe and a speedy recovery for Maudie.

Christopher is still in the ICU. Vent usage down to 40%, small steps forward. They are sending a referral to rehab since there is a waiting list. Hopeful he is home soon, but it is a waiting game and I am not a patient person.

Kyle is struggling because he has not been able to talk to or see his dad for weeks. Trying to keep him occupied.

Praying for all of us

[Changed]

Carol,  I’m sorry that Maddie has covid  -  of course you will be very anxious .   How is she feeling?    It’s hard to not worry , I know,  but I hope that you can start to relax a little soon.   Thinking of you,  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Danielle,  thanks so much for your prayers. 

Virginia,  they haven't given Maddie anything yet.  She has a headache,  stuffy nose, fever and aches. Her fever is low grade if it gets higher or she starts having trouble breathing we will take her in for treatment. Glad to see the good news about Christopher. 

Roz, I  am so stressed in is going to me a while to relax. I am doing my best to physically take care of myself. Maddie is staying in her room and she is using one bathroom and the rest of us will stay outofher room and use the other bathroom I hope this helps .

[Danielle Masata]

Virginia, did I mention that I was a 3rd grade teacher for many, many years? I can just imagine how Kyle must be feeling/acting.  I so love that age.  Every day was such fun.  I remember being in close contact with the families when a family member was sick.  Glad Chris is slowly improving.  I'm sorry his treatment is so complicated, having to go to rehab and that there's a waiting list to get there.  My dog and I visit our hospital's rehab floor 2x a week, but we've met only one patient who was recovering from long haul Covid.  Most patients in our rehab are recovering from a fall or stroke or surgery.  Come here!  Lots of available private rooms.

Carol, I pray Maddie is able to put up a good fight and her symptoms have begun to lessen.  I hope she can get whatever she needs to treat this disease. What a scary disease.  We don't need this added stress to our lives!

[Mason’s Mom]

Tomorrow is Mason's 25th birthday. My husband and youngest daughter have Covid and we are quarantined. I am struggling. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

guess  what ....i was reading the post amd sometimes it feels really awkward being the only male !!!!! i hope you guys dont decide to kick both B and i out of the group !

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Carol,  how are you coping ?  Two of your family with covid - that’s tough - are they doing ok ?  As if we needed all of this !  Hang in there .

Wonderful  that Mason was born and that you shared his life , obviously an incredibly emotional day , his birthday, but what can we do?   I’ve told you how I try to acknowledge David’s birthday ( its in the next couple of weeks by the way)  but not let his death overshadow his life.  I’m not sure how good I am at it though.   I’m still trying to sort out what I believe and what I just want to believe - five years of this torment at the end of November and I’m no clearer .

 That is what I admire about this group - tolerance.  We all have different beliefs and responses but we accept each other -  all sharing the same devastation.

Health to the sickies and peace to you , I’ll be thinking of you as you wish Mason happy birthday and move on with your day.  Plenty of time for the extra deep sadness we’ll be feeling in the next few months as we reach those hurtful dates.

Roz

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz as always Thanks for understanding. 

Michael we are all grieving parents. Roz is right no judgment here.

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Hi Michael,    Stay with us and please don’t feel awkward , no need - you’re right , there are not any dads active here at the moment but there has been, some not that long ago - you can look back at their old posts but I don’t think that there is a lot of difference between the mums and dads - it all hurts everyone a lot.   
When this unbelievable grief is new it is almost like a madness .   Our lives and heads are totally thrown .  We are desperate for answers and solutions to return our lives to as they were and have our children safe with us again.  
It is a very dark time and I don’t think that our thoughts can be measured by normal standards - I’m sure we can sound suicidal at times but unless someone has lost a child I don’t believe they could ever get close to imagining how intense and saturating this type of grief is.  We are not young people and will probably have experienced grief before but nothing like this.  

From my own experience and what others here of longer standing have said - it gets softer and less manic , almost without noticing - then it will bite you again  ,not quite so ferociously but those teeth are still sharp.  I expect to always feel sad because it is sad and the loss is always there but I’m not looking for or expecting the impossible any more.  Is that the acceptance stage?   I’m very empty these days and I function for the sake of others - faking it I suppose.  
There is a lot of me changed, lost forever I fear, but of course you would expect that  wouldn’t you?    
I’ll stop now .     BTW   I loved all your dog photos on the other pages -  I love animals but after over a decade doing animal rescue in Asia I was totally burnt out with it and was glad to be free of the horrors  (my husband’s job took us overseas ) when we returned to England we were travelling a lot (including months at a time visiting my son, David, in Australia) so it felt wrong to constantly be leaving a pet , especially a rescue.   
Anyway,  you take care - I know how hard it is .   Roz

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I must find a poem about grieving that I read a few years back about handling grief - I don’t think that I was ready for it then but I may be now - I remember something about treating it as if your lost loved one had just gone into another room ? I’ll put that into a search and see if I spot it   Roz

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That wasn’t difficult….

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.

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Well it’s a strange one - kind of calming .  Cannot imagine them ever being out of mind , ever, but just being in another room - wouldn’t that be lovely and such a relief.  Roz

[Danielle Masata]

Roz, thanks for that poem.  I'll have to share this with my kids and husband just before we're all together for the December holidays.  Somehow I can't imagine the sadness we'll all feel.  It'll be overwhelming!  But I like the message --  

"Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it"

because Patrick was always so playful and energized especially when everyone was together.  I noticed just yesterday how my husband absolutely was reluctant to talk about Patrick.  I asked him if he ever thought he'd have an early death, given his challenges.  My husband gave a quick response, and the clear message that he didn't want to discuss it any further.  I suppose that's why I'm here.  I need to share in order to process this heart ache.  If I can just say his name, then he'll be remembered.

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday Mason! Send your family signs and love!

Michael, I know men and women grieves differently but I dont notoce who is who, I cant even keep names straight anymore. I just come here so i know someone else feels like I do.

I have seen that poem before and I have always liked it!

Trying to keep hopeful but my husband is not doing well. They performed a tracheotomy and have turned off all sedation meds but he is not responding to any stimuli at this moment. Waiting, hoping he starts to respond. If not, CT and MRI to see if there is a cause they can see. Previous CT was negative. If the MRI shows stroke or something, its already too late. 

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Virginia, That is a lot to be dealing with.   I hope you get some better news from the hospital soon.  Roz.

Carol ,  birthday wishes to Mason  , a very emotional day for you to navigate. Roz

[Danielle Masata]

Virginia, I’m so sorry that your husband has had such a battle. My heart aches for you. It is a confusing lesson in medical techniques I hope no one, other than doctors, have to learn and know. We are right with you; waiting right by your side. 
 

Roz, happy belated birthday to Mason. I hope your two Covid patients are doing okay. 

[NiquesMom]

So it dawned on me: if Christopher dies, not only is he my best friend of 15 years, he is my witness to the last 11 years with Nique.  Feels like I am faced with losing both of them, not just him.

Kyle finally expressed his feelings and we had a good talk. We talked about what happens to us and our family if daddy doesn't come home.

 

[Danielle Masata]

Virginia.... all I say can say is... oh my.  oh, oh, oh ... I'm shaking for you.  literally shaking .  I am so, so, so beyond the fear of the message you sent here.   Waiting, waiting, waiting right with you. Oh this is so scary.

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Virginia,  that sounds as if Christopher isn’t making good progress so , of course, you are going to be thinking as you are and trying to prepare yourself and Kyle for the worse.    There is still hope isn’t there that he can recover?    I hope that you are getting strong support with all this worry.  
Everyone here , including yourself, knows all about the worse happening in our lives and it’s natural that you brace yourself for that but that may not be what happens this time.  
 Try to look after yourself as best you can with rest , nutrition and , very importantly, hydration so you can keep going - all this will be taking a lot out of you.

Strength ,  Roz