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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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peggy a sad mom

lu i wrote a somewhat long note and it didnt go in. i cant find it. all is well i will get back to you soon

thanks

peggy

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My girl is in heaven

Oh Peggy...so nice to see you are still here.  I would love to hear how you are doing.  I remember that January a few years ago you came here in search of some comfort for your aching heart.  I hope you have found some.  
 

Virginia, Carol, Roz, Kristen,  ....everyone else who is Reading here, how are you all doing.  No matter how far you are along this sad path, give yourself credit for how far you have come and have faith in how far you will go.  I am nine years in and never thought i would survive after leaving the cemetery.  I spent many years in the bottom of the grief pit, still am sometimes, but mostly I have climbed out into the light of life again.  You guys can and will too.  Wishing you all a good weekend,     
 

Lu.....Kira’s mama

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Mason’s Mom

Lu, just got home from the cemetery where I had a good cry. Like you I didn't know how I would survive.  We have a lot of family traditions and every 4th of July we spend it with another family.  My kids can't remember an Independence Day without Tommy and Michelle.  No matter what has gone on for the last 25 years we celebrate with them. Even though Mason's teens he was there,. This will be our 3rd year without him and it is still very painful. 

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Most days I am ok. Just came back from a week at the beach with my husband and son. There was one moment that was hard. We went into a Christmas store and we were buying personalized ornaments. So hard not to get one for my daughter. Just made me miss her more. She wouldn't have been on the trip with us, but I always got her something. Even though we talk about her all the time, it made me feel like I was leaving her behind.

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peggy a sad mom

oh lu thanks so much for being great! my heart still hearts as you and everyone else knows we have our good days and bad. my bad days are really bad. i just want to be with him. my younger brother my son's best friend passed on april 2nd now we are all dealing with that too. i find a little peace with them being together but i wish they were together like old times.

i will be back soon hope everyone is somewhat ok

peggy

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Mason’s Mom

Virginia,  we stopped putting up our personalized ornaments and the ornaments the kids got each year.  Just too painful, you aren't leaving Nique out.  She is with you always. 

Peggy so sorry for your recent loss. Our hearts are so much stronger than any of us believed it could be.

I keep wondering when those steps of grief will start that I hear so much about.  I think I got stuck in the first step,  why ,why, why. The pain still so strong. I have learned to mask it well.

 

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Mason’s Mom

Roz, sure do understand.  I am seeing things in the news and hearing conversations that that upset me.  So many people are reacting to situations and so much turmoil.  I wish everyone could just realize how precious lives are and work to make things better rather than tearing apart.  That's one thing I think I have gained from losing Mason. Life is too short to be filled with bitterness. My heart's always sad and I will always carry the pain but his life mattered and I will always be the keeper of his memories and make sure he is not forgotten. 

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Mason’s Mom

The memorial tournament was supposed to be held today,  we had to cancel this year's event due Covid 19. Instead the high school graduation was held today, we could not attend due to crowd restrictions.  They did live stream so I did get to watch as The Mason "Big Country " Memorial Scholarship was awarded.  We weren't able to give as much this year without the tournament for funding.  I cried as I heard him described, his smile and his love of life, the way he was there to lend a hand when needed.  It makes it so hard to understand why him.  I know I will never have that answer as long as I live, however it doesn't stop me from wondering. I can't stop crying today,  I miss him so very much. 

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Mason’s Mom

When Maddie returns to college next month,  the will be quarantined for the first 30 days and then they will reevaluate the situation to see if they will be able to leave campus. She is worried and is struggling with this as she only spent 3 months on  campus before being sent home to finish on-line. I am trying so hard to be encouraging as I want her to finish her education however not knowing how long it will be without seeing her is tearing me apart. After Mason's death I feel a need to see my girls and be with them as much as possible. For those of you that pray sure could use some extra prayers right now. 

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I lost my 24 year old son Justin on 2/21/20 due to a drug overdose, it was his third and final one. Sometimes the pain in unbearable there's not an hour that goes by that I don't think about him. I keep trying to figure out where things went wrong and I blame myself for failing as a father. We were not talking at the time of his death, because I kept calling him out on his drug use.He was such a good kid and very intelligent. When I think of him now I only picture him as small boy, he was sensitive and had a good heart. I was fearful that someday I was going to get that call and and on 2/21/20 it happened, I will never be the same. I still have my daughter and am thankful for that.I've never posted  before, I hope this helps. My heart goes out to all that have lost a child, it's not the natural circle of life, and the only ones that can understand the pain are the ones that are going through it

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Mason’s Mom

Tom, I hope you find talking helpful. We all understand the pain and struggle of losing a child. No matter the circumstances of their death I think we all feel guilt and wonder what we have done differently. I lost my 21 year old son on December 17th,  2017 to a rare heart disease.  We had no idea he had it and it was a huge shock,  I always thought if anything happened to him it would be a car accident,  he loved to drive fast. Like your son, my Mason was a good kid and was well known for his acts of kindness and willingness to help others. When he graduated high school and left home he made decisions and did things his Dad and I didn't agree with. It had been pretty rocky for a few years, however we had made up our minds to love him and stop the constant battles. There are so many things I would like to change but we can't turn back time. Try to concentrate on the the positive. Maybe over time you can find a way to honor him,  helping others. As for myself I feel thE need to honor him. The first Birthday after his death,  we had a birthday dinner for him. My husband,  daughters,  grandparents,  aunts, uncles and all his cousins.  I asked each of them to do something for someone in his honor no matter how big or Small. It didn't matter if they told the person why they helped,  that was up to them.  I continue to do this,  depending upon the situation I may or may not say anything. It is strange how we picture them.  I often think of Mason when he was 15 or 16, he seemed to have found his place and seemed happy. 

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Masons mom: I pray your daughter feels safe and happy in returning to campus.  I work at a College and I know bringing the students back is a huge concern.  We are only having 25% of classes on campus, the rest will be online.  My son starts 2nd grade, and we are sending him back but I worry if its the right choice.  We need both incomes to survive, so distance learning would be very hard for us.  There are no easy decisions in all of this, and we know too well how easily things can change.

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Carol  Thank you for your kind words. I like the idea of celebrating his birthday, I think next year we will try that . It was to soon and painful this year, his birthday is 7/3 and his sister's is 7/1. It's been a bad year , the loss of my son, the pandemic and recently my wife, (Justin's step mom) had a large blood clot in her leg so we've been dealing with that. But she's on the mend, so something positive. I have to say that the pandemic kept my mind active , the company I work for makes one of the test kits for COVID so we were running 24/7.So i've been spending a lot of time on my job. Justin's head stone is ordered but it's on a list waiting for the company to reopen. I'm hoping that we will see it this year. Justin liked music and played multiple instruments, on his birthday I did get him a card and placed it on his guitar that we have in our room.Funny how you  mentioned that you think of your son when he was younger as well, maybe that was a better time at least that's how it is with me. I think talking about this is helpful , especially with others that have lost a child.

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Tom: I wish I had magic words to say to make the pain and the "what ifs" stop.  My daughter died 12/21/2017 (even typing that now I tear up). You will eventually get to a point where it doesnt hurt all day. Where you can think back on the time with them and sometimes smile instead of crying.  I do a whole lot better now, but I still have days where I just want to scream at everyone.

 

I read a lot, dont always post. It helps to know others are hurting like we are (as weird as that sounds)

 

Keep coming back, keep breathing, take one minute at a time if thats all you can do.

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6 hours ago, Tom K said:

I lost my 24 year old son Justin on 2/21/20 due to a drug overdose, it was his third and final one. Sometimes the pain in unbearable there's not an hour that goes by that I don't think about him. I keep trying to figure out where things went wrong and I blame myself for failing as a father. We were not talking at the time of his death, because I kept calling him out on his drug use.He was such a good kid and very intelligent. When I think of him now I only picture him as small boy, he was sensitive and had a good heart. I was fearful that someday I was going to get that call and and on 2/21/20 it happened, I will never be the same. I still have my daughter and am thankful for that.I've never posted  before, I hope this helps. My heart goes out to all that have lost a child, it's not the natural circle of life, and the only ones that can understand the pain are the ones that are going through it

Tom:

I lost my daughter July 10, 2020 due to a drug overdose so my heart goes out to you--it is heartbreaking to lose a child period but when drugs are involved--parents blame themselves. I know I do--I did all I could to be the best mother I could and I worked hard to give my children a life of love, security, etc. My daughter was 40 and battled bipolar disorder. I had no knowlege of her ever using cocaine--I was shocked when I was told she tested positive for the drug. She was with her 22 and 18 year old daughers. Died in her sleep. We were estranged up until 8 months ago and I believed she was finally on the right track and had turned her life around. These last 8 months were wonderful and we texted weekly. I know you mentioned that you and your son weren't talking but I would like to share what my daughter once told me--she said that somewhere deep she always felt my love--even when we weren't on speaking terms. She knew despite everything, I had her back. I believe your son most likely felt this way about you. Bevin is my firstborn and there is a permanent hole in my heart and my soul. I pray for your comfort and your peace. 

 

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HELLO  TO  ALL---

TomK-----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Justin.  Such a heartbreaking

tragedy.  I hope you will continue to come here to this site.  Everyone understands the

pain, loss, and sorrow of losing a beloved child.. While I haven't been on here

as often, I came to this site 17 years ago, and have found it to be a lifeline. I think that it helps

to be with those who truly understand. Please come back.                      sherry

 

Jacquiet----So sorry for your loss of Bevin, your sweet daughter, so recently. There are

no words that could bring you much comfort at this early time, but we, who have lost

our children....no matter what point on the timeline we may be,  truly understand the

shock and sorrow.  I hope you will continue to come and read/post as you feel you

want to.  There are no real "rules" on the site about when and how often a person

posts.  Everyone must grieve in their own way, and in their own time.

 

Carol---Sorry that the tournament had to be cancelled. This Covid19 is indeed scary.

  Also, I hope that Maddie is doing well at college.  Peace to you.

 

Virginia----I do hope that you and your family enjoyed your vacation.  Yes, ....it is

so understandable that shopping at the Christmas store would bring back the

sadness and longing that is felt for the child that left this world too soon.

 

Peggy----Good to see you.  Oh, I know how that is....good days, and bad days.

they are all part of the life we have on this long hard road. I guess we just have

to take it one day at a time. Wishing you comfort.

 

Roz-----Yes,....it is so much a part of our lives to have the departed child on the mind...

your dear David.  (my son's name was David, too).  I'm sorry that you don't have

a better connection with your brother in Australia, and more word on  David's

child.  Stressful, for sure. I hope that the communication will improve soon.

 

WISHING   PEACE  AND   COMFORT  FOR  ALL

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry  

 

 

 

 

  

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Mason’s Mom
9 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Masons mom: I pray your daughter feels safe and happy in returning to campus.  I work at a College and I know bringing the students back is a huge concern.  We are only having 25% of classes on campus, the rest will be online.  My son starts 2nd grade, and we are sending him back but I worry if its the right choice.  We need both incomes to survive, so distance learning would be very hard for us.  There are no easy decisions in all of this, and we know too well how easily things can change.

Thanks so much and I pray your son is safe as well. 

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19 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Tom: I wish I had magic words to say to make the pain and the "what ifs" stop.  My daughter died 12/21/2017 (even typing that now I tear up). You will eventually get to a point where it doesnt hurt all day. Where you can think back on the time with them and sometimes smile instead of crying.  I do a whole lot better now, but I still have days where I just want to scream at everyone.

 

I read a lot, dont always post. It helps to know others are hurting like we are (as weird as that sounds)

 

Keep coming back, keep breathing, take one minute at a time if thats all you can do.

NiquesMom Thanks for the the kind words this is the first time I've discussed my tragedy in a forum like this, I come from a time where you didn't discuss feelings. My pain hits me at different times . I find it happens often on my drive home from work. I do hope that I get to a point when I can look back and smile , for now a good day is one where I'm numb. And yes I agree it does help to know that others are going through the same thing. I will keep coming back, this is helping . I'm sorry for your loss. Take care

Tom

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15 hours ago, Jacquiet said:

Tom:

I lost my daughter July 10, 2020 due to a drug overdose so my heart goes out to you--it is heartbreaking to lose a child period but when drugs are involved--parents blame themselves. I know I do--I did all I could to be the best mother I could and I worked hard to give my children a life of love, security, etc. My daughter was 40 and battled bipolar disorder. I had no knowlege of her ever using cocaine--I was shocked when I was told she tested positive for the drug. She was with her 22 and 18 year old daughers. Died in her sleep. We were estranged up until 8 months ago and I believed she was finally on the right track and had turned her life around. These last 8 months were wonderful and we texted weekly. I know you mentioned that you and your son weren't talking but I would like to share what my daughter once told me--she said that somewhere deep she always felt my love--even when we weren't on speaking terms. She knew despite everything, I had her back. I believe your son most likely felt this way about you. Bevin is my firstborn and there is a permanent hole in my heart and my soul. I pray for your comfort and your peace. 

 

Jacquiet, I'm sorry for your loss, it's so painful to lose a child. Addiction is a disease , but the person that is suffering from it has to want help.My "adult " son was in denial he didn't think he had a problem. He lived with his Mom, she was also in denial . He was perceived as doing "well" because he worked full time, but that was hardly the case. My son was found in his room with his head down on his desk , there was needle and some small bags. The toxicology report stated that  he had a cocktail of drugs in his system, Fentanyl, (Xanax which he was prescribed) a version Xanax that's illegal in the US, Marijuana and of all things an animal tranquilizer. It's hard to wrap my head around why he would be taking these things. He had normal childhood we lived in a good area and he went to a good school. It makes so angry that this happened , it seems like such a waste but he was my son and I loved him.

Again I'm so sorry you lost your daughter Bevin, they say that time heals , I hope it does..

Take care

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12 hours ago, daveydow1 said:

HELLO  TO  ALL---

TomK-----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Justin.  Such a heartbreaking

tragedy.  I hope you will continue to come here to this site.  Everyone understands the

pain, loss, and sorrow of losing a beloved child.. While I haven't been on here

as often, I came to this site 17 years ago, and have found it to be a lifeline. I think that it helps

to be with those who truly understand. Please come back.                      sherry

 

Jacquiet----So sorry for your loss of Bevin, your sweet daughter, so recently. There are

no words that could bring you much comfort at this early time, but we, who have lost

our children....no matter what point on the timeline we may be,  truly understand the

shock and sorrow.  I hope you will continue to come and read/post as you feel you

want to.  There are no real "rules" on the site about when and how often a person

posts.  Everyone must grieve in their own way, and in their own time.

 

Carol---Sorry that the tournament had to be cancelled. This Covid19 is indeed scary.

  Also, I hope that Maddie is doing well at college.  Peace to you.

 

Virginia----I do hope that you and your family enjoyed your vacation.  Yes, ....it is

so understandable that shopping at the Christmas store would bring back the

sadness and longing that is felt for the child that left this world too soon.

 

Peggy----Good to see you.  Oh, I know how that is....good days, and bad days.

they are all part of the life we have on this long hard road. I guess we just have

to take it one day at a time. Wishing you comfort.

 

Roz-----Yes,....it is so much a part of our lives to have the departed child on the mind...

your dear David.  (my son's name was David, too).  I'm sorry that you don't have

a better connection with your brother in Australia, and more word on  David's

child.  Stressful, for sure. I hope that the communication will improve soon.

 

WISHING   PEACE  AND   COMFORT  FOR  ALL

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry  

 

 

 

 

  

Sherry , you've had so many loses , It's good to see that you keep coming back. This is helps me, knowing that there are others out there that have suffered and are suffering from this pain. I don't I'll ever be the same again. I will keep coming back .Thanks

 

Take Care

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Hi to All:

I'm glad to see everyone here. I miss seeing some of the people who were previously

on this site. I hope and pray that they are doing alright.  I think the burden of grief and

sorrow is a bit lighter when shared with others who know, firsthand, the loss we all

feel on this rough road. 

  

Leah-----I think of you often, and hope you are doing ok.  Maybe you will

be reading here, and if you are.....I pray you and your family are holding

on.  I have lost my list of Angel Dates, but I think about your sweet little

JaBoa, and know that you will always have her in your heart and soul

with so much love forever.  Peace to you, my friend.

 

WISHING  COMFORT AND TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

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Nique was in my dream last night.  I remember just hugging her so hard, and telling her she had been gone too long. I wish I could see her and hug her every night.

 

God, I miss my girl. She was so similar to me.  Now, there is no one in the house to eat mac n cheese, tuna, chocolate pudding pie.  No one to watch anime and talk my ear off about Pokemon.  I love my son and husband, but it still surprises me how much harder it is to enjoy time with them, without her here.  It just overshadows everything, this cloud that will never go away completely.

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Mason’s Mom

Virginia, so glad to hear you dream of Nique. I am sure it is bitter sweet.  I have yet to dream a good dream of Mason.  I had a nightmare last night that has stuck with me all day. Funny you mentioned chocolate pie,  Mason loved my mom's chocolate pie.  I have struggled to cook or eat his favorite foods. I still struggle grocery shopping. Mason was a big guy and he loved to eat. I understand that cloud, I feel it too. Just a part of me is missing from life every day. Next time Nique visits you,  tell her Mason's mom wants to hug him and tell him how much I love him.

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Mason’s Mom
22 hours ago, Mason’s Mom said:

Virginia, so glad to hear you dream of Nique. I am sure it is bitter sweet.  I have yet to dream a good dream of Mason.  I had a nightmare last night that has stuck with me all day. Funny you mentioned chocolate pie,  Mason loved my mom's chocolate pie.  I have struggled to cook or eat his favorite foods. I still struggle grocery shopping. Mason was a big guy and he loved to eat. I understand that cloud, I feel it too. Just a part of me is missing from life every day. Next time Nique visits you,  tell her Mason's mom wants to hug him and tell him how much I love him.

Virginia,  I feel terrible for trying to intrude upon your time with Nique. Just going through a rough time and wishing I had visits from Mason. Sorry for being insensitive. 

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Not at all insensitive.  I asked Nique to tell Mason to come see you, but she hardly listened when she was here on Earth with me :)  I understand the want and need to have even a second with them again, and hope you get a visit soon.  No judgement from me, only love :)

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Brian Forever 16

Hello my friends,

It has been several months since I posted.  My beautiful son, Brian died while riding on the hood of a car on 6-19-2008.  It has been 12 years. Hard to believe I have survived this long.  The piercing pain is gone.  The crying fits are gone.  The sick to my stomach feeling is not gone, but not as frequent.   The deep, soul-clenching missing is center stage.  

Niques Mom, Masons, Mom, Sherry, JaBoas grandma, Roz, Peggy, Virginia, Leah, Tom  Dee,  Carol And many more. This is a club which no one wants to belong, has the highest membership dues, and you can never leave.

Life does return, but not what we want.  I smile, laugh, and somewhat socialize.  I wish you all a helping hand and a smile.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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HELLO   TO  ALL.....

Colleen----Good to see you....My, how the time seems to go by so quickly, yet

seems to crawl, since we have seen our darlings who left this world too soon.

Hope you are doing ok.  You are right....we are in this unwanted club, and we

have, indeed, paid the highest dues. We continue to pay each day, week, year,

Missing them so much. Life gets 'softer', in time, but as you say....not what

we want.   Peace to you, friend.

Virginia----I'm glad you had a dream of Nique the other night. The good dreams

are a little piece of heaven where our darlings are.

Carol----I know what you mean.....I have not had a good dream of my son, David,

for some time, either.  I know you long for a dream of your dear, Mason, but I have found that

they are very unpredictable and fleeting in nature. We never have an idea when

they will come. Sometimes when we least expect it.  In the meantime, Mason

is still always close to you.....just in another realm or plane.  I understand how

your shopping for food brings the thoughts of Mason.  Many of our good memories

are of sharing meals with our dear child/children, and of their favorite foods.

 

We will see our beloved children again.

WISHING  PEACE   AND   COMFORT  TO  ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

 

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Mason’s Mom

Colleen, 12 years does it feel like such a long time yet sometimes like just a few weeks ago. December will be 3 years and time feels different now. 

Sherry you always have such a good with words  and understanding. Thanks for the encouragement. 

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Mason’s Mom

Having a rough day. Just want to cry, 4 years ago we were on the last vacation as a family. We attended a Cubs baseball game. Game went into extra innings with a win. We were all so happy.  You never know when it will be the last time will be. The pictures show the excitement and happiness. Now everything we do as a family is just not the same.  The ache of loss isolating. 

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Mason's mom, I am sending you a big hug!  I am having a rough day too, and I wish we could just sit and cry together.  Google photos sent me an email showing photos of Aug 2017, and even though my daughter wasnt in it, I remembered where she was and what she was doing that day.  Her absence taints everything, and I really wonder if this is how I will feel for the rest of my life.  My parents had a child die (5 years before I was born), my grandmother had 2 infants die, and I wish they were here for me to ask if this will continue for the rest of my life.  What I have learned is that child loss is so normal, and yet no one wants to talk about it. I have a hard time watching any movies where people die, because they are someones child and I know how it hurts. 

Please know I am here and cheering you on through these rough days

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Hello to all:

Monday (August 10th) was one month since my daughter Bevin passed away. It was a very emotional day for me. During the first month of her passing I had to deal with people almost demanding to know how she died as if I owed them some explanation. When I was asked what happened--I simply replied that I lost my firstborn daughter. She died period. I am mostly a very private person-- I am published author and I want to keep some parts of my life private such as the lives of my children. It wasn't strangers inquiring--it was friends, but I felt they were being nosy--what did it matter? Bevin's gone and she's never coming back. The worst of it came when my brother took the last mini urn containing some of her ashes and gave them to some girl he claimed was my daughter's best friend. I'd never heard of this girl, but my issue is that he didn't ask, I had 6 mini urns designated for her 3 children, her brother and her sister. The last one was for her boyfriend. My brother didn't know if they were mine and didn't care--he just took them.

I am overwhelmed with feelings of anger, hurt and grief. I know my friends mean well, but they don't seem to understand that I don't want to talk--I simply need time to process all that's happened. Then there are those who think I should resume activities such as mentoring other authors to move on (they are usually referring to themselves) and I'm no longer interested in working with others. I have my own books I need to focus on and even this is a challenge right now. My whole perspective has changed since losing my daughter. My focus is helping her children navigate without their mother; ensuring that I am there for them and processing this new normal when it comes to my own life.

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Mason’s Mom
12 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Mason's mom, I am sending you a big hug!  I am having a rough day too, and I wish we could just sit and cry together.  Google photos sent me an email showing photos of Aug 2017, and even though my daughter wasnt in it, I remembered where she was and what she was doing that day.  Her absence taints everything, and I really wonder if this is how I will feel for the rest of my life.  My parents had a child die (5 years before I was born), my grandmother had 2 infants die, and I wish they were here for me to ask if this will continue for the rest of my life.  What I have learned is that child loss is so normal, and yet no one wants to talk about it. I have a hard time watching any movies where people die, because they are someones child and I know how it hurts. 

Please know I am here and cheering you on through these rough days

I think about you as well. It does seem to be a forbidden subject. We need to talk and know we aren't alone. I struggle with movies or books about loss. It makes it hard sometimes to find entertainment and something to give us a small break from the pain. Mason was very sensitive to such things,  he cried about the movie Stuart Little because the little mouse had to be separated from his family.  He cried over the movie My Dog Spot. He could be such a little menace but he hated to see anyone suffering. After his death we had messages from all over the world.  Our school had several exchange students.  Kids we didn't know messaged to tell us how he offered comforted them when they were homesick.  Songs make me sad, movies, books.  Hard to find things that don't hurt. I think we will live the rest of our lives with a sadness that will always be present. Underlying all life events will be that feeling of missing them.we are here to comfort one another.  So talk to me, us and let's get through this together. 

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Mason’s Mom

Jacquiet, you are so new in this journey. People can be so insensitive. I remember at the scene of Mason's death,  the paramedic trying to talk to me and tell me what they had done to try and save him. I remember telling him " it doesn't matter,  he is gone and nothing will change that fact ". They did tell us it was his heart. What I found to be so painful was the speculation,  so many presumed he had alcohol poisoning. The rumors were flying. But again it didn't matter because he was gone. They did an autopsy,  I didn't really want it done.  No option when a 21 year apparently healthy male collapses and dies. When the results found a rare heart disease and my daughters had to have a full cardiac exam and testing to rule out the chances of them having it as well. I realized it was a good thing. Both girls were cleared,  Thank God. 

I returned to work to escape my pain. I know I wasn't in the best frame of mind but my way of coping is keep busy especially my mind.  

My husband and I would just drive in the evenings,  I didn't shop in the same places.  I didn't want to see people.  Some would try to act as if they didn't see me and others would say things they thought were comforting.  Just to uncomfortable for everyone. I was lucky to have a great manager that ran interference for me.  She seemed to know when I needed a break.  She would show up in the training room, I train new employees and others for new processes.  She would stop by and say time to take a break.  Go for a walk, she encouraged me to see a counselor.  I did for a few months. 

The cause of death is personal and you have a choice of who you share this with and if you choose don't tell anyone that asks. 

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Jacquiet, I had some of the same issues.  My daughter had a rough patch a few years earlier with some suicidal tendencies.  But it was 3 years later when she passed, and I remember people saying "I thought she was getting better" (meaning they assumed she killed herself). It was a car accident, wrong place, wrong time.  I ended up moving away, didn't want to stay where she died.

I went back to work after 2 weeks because it was better to be there then at home alone, but I was an absolute wreck. I would go to my car on breaks and lunch, and hide my face in a blanket and cry. If i couldn't get out to my car, I would go to the stairwell or file room and cry.

We all do what is best for us, and if the person talking to you has never experienced this level of grief, they will not understand what you may or moy not be capable of; and the fact that that can change from moment to moment.

Keep breathing, reading, talking, crying, screaming, we are all familiar with the broken path you are on now.

hugs to all

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Hi Everyone

I'm still new to this pain, my son Justin passed in February this year, he was 24 years old . After he passed I took the standard 10 days bereavement that my company offers it was hell. I never cried so hard in my life. When I returned to work the pandemic hit, my company makes some of the COVID test kits , so we were slammed. I was working 7 days a week 10-12 hr days. I think it kept me focused on other things besides the pain, but now that things have calmed down a bit it all came rushing back. I see from other posts that it never does leave you. I just started therapy , I hope it helps, but even she said that she can't imagine what I'm going through, the only ones that can are the ones that have lost as well.I really don't know what I believe in "spiritually "anymore all I can say is that I hope there is something after this life and I can see him again..I must say it does help to talk about it and to hear others talk about it as well. I'm also rambling and I agree it's exhausting.

Trying to be well

Tom 

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Mason’s Mom

Roz, like you I feel close to everyone as well. We share a bond and understanding that we never wished for. 

Tom, I kept thinking if I can make through the first week,  first month,  first 6 months,  first year surely this emptiness and deep ache will lessen.  I thought I would start to feel like myself again. It isn't about the days,  weeks,  months and years that passes, the loss will still be apart of us.

Peace and comfort to each of you. 

Carol 

 

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So, I was watching a movie this weekend, and in it the main character has a drinking problem. And I am sitting there thinking he is such a jerk, whats his problem, doesn't need to treat people like that....and then Bam, turns out his child died. And this is his coping. And I got it and instantly forgave him all his bad behavior. 

I don't drink, I eat. I have no motivation to exercise (even though my 7 year old still needs me). And I am sure there are people who don't know my story and see me and this what a lazy selfish person to not take care of herself for her child.

I guess what I am getting at is that whether we talk about our sadness or not, it is there and will always be there, and each day is a battle. If you fall today, get up tomorrow and try again.

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On 8/13/2020 at 7:52 AM, NiquesMom said:

Jacquiet, I had some of the same issues.  My daughter had a rough patch a few years earlier with some suicidal tendencies.  But it was 3 years later when she passed, and I remember people saying "I thought she was getting better" (meaning they assumed she killed herself). It was a car accident, wrong place, wrong time.  I ended up moving away, didn't want to stay where she died.

I went back to work after 2 weeks because it was better to be there then at home alone, but I was an absolute wreck. I would go to my car on breaks and lunch, and hide my face in a blanket and cry. If i couldn't get out to my car, I would go to the stairwell or file room and cry.

We all do what is best for us, and if the person talking to you has never experienced this level of grief, they will not understand what you may or moy not be capable of; and the fact that that can change from moment to moment.

Keep breathing, reading, talking, crying, screaming, we are all familiar with the broken path you are on now.

hugs to all

I write full-time so I'm home all day and the evenings are the worse because my husband works at night. I talked to the medical examiner today and they found cocaine, fantanyl and oxycotin in her system. Therefore it confirms my fears that it was a drug overdose. I'm hurt and angry because she made a choice that ended her life. She was bipolar and for the past nine months it looked like she was finally getting better and making better choices. Her children need her--my heart is breaking all over again, although it was my suspicion all along. I miss her so much. Thank you for sharing your story and your kind words.

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Sherry, I haven't been on for a long time, and you were the first name I see.  Thank you so much for remembering me and JaBoa.  We don't forget the Angels...so many years ago, but at the same time, so fresh in our hearts.  I think of you often along with many others who have visited with me.  I miss her, and have tried to live a life as the grandma she wanted.  Her sister Sena has moved on, she graduated last May.  I still see so many posts in which she struggles with the loss of her sister.  She doesn't live here any longer, and has decided to live her own life, just so much sadness she has taken with her.  I am well, and suffer more memory loss.  I hope tight to the memories I can.  Even dad ones.  But I have worked on me.  I took on guardianship of a friend of my sons.  He is a blessing,  so sad that some parents just don't have time for children...me, I feel blessed..the children, everybody's are so loved.  Just because they leave us doesn't turn the love off, we miss them..we talk to them and they are always alive in our hearts.

Coleen, it was also so good to see you.  I had forgotten my name here, how sad now I remember I am JaBoa's grandma!  But thanks to you, I remember lots of things..I remember your sweet angel, throughout getting to know you.

May the good Lord bless you all, those whom I have shared sadness and to those who I haven't talked with but still share in the sadness along with the bits of happiness that seems so far away

 

Leah.  Still JaBoa's Grandma

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Hello  to  All-----I haven't been on for awhile...having some computer problems.

Reading everyone's posts, but not always replying, as sometimes not having anything to say.

  I feel for each and every one,  with the loss of their child no matter where on the time point

you may be.  

Leah---So glad to see your post. I imagine it was an emotional time when Sena moved

out on her own. I guess that's the way it is with children when they grow up. They are

anxious to start their adult lives. We understand that, of course, but it still makes us

melancholy, doesn't it ?.   So good of you to take on another boy, whose parents aren't

there for him. I often think of sweet JaBoa, and wonder how old she would be now.  That's

a strange dynamic of losing beloved children......they will always be that age when they

passed.  My David will always be 31, and my baby Lisa will always be 6 mo.  to me.

As you say, we must somehow, press ahead, but the children who left too soon will

always be in our hearts. Peace to you, my friend.

Carol---thanks for your kind words. You mentioned going to a baseball game with Mason,

and how everyone was so happy.  Now, the memory is so bittersweet. We need no reminders,

of course, but those last times spent with our darlings are imprinted on our hearts, and 

all the many times before.  I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Jacquiet------I am sorry for the way your brother took the urn without asking you.  As for

the people being nosey.....I think that you answered in the best way possible. I think that 

many times, people ask questions because they want you to know that they are interested,

but, of course they often go over the line into unwanted questions and presume that you

are willing to answer.  I guess that has happened to all of us on this site.  A grieving person

is under no obligation whatsoever to answer anything they are not comfortable with.  It

is often very hurtful, and if one needs to be vague, or blunt....it is ok to just say that you

are not up to talking about your loss of your daughter.  In my experience, the people can

be too curious, but they soon forget about it and move on with their lives.  I don't presume

to think that it is that way with every grieving person......just my own experience.  Each has

to grieve in their own way and on their own time.  No right or wrong way to grieve.  

Please take care of yourself, and peace to you, friend.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL,  .......WE  WILL SEE  OUR  ANGELS  AGAIN.

 

Davey&Lisasmom----  sherry 

 

 

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Mason’s Mom

Roz, completely understand. This is a tough time for me.  We dropped Maddie off at College on Sunday and we don't know when we will see her again. The first 30 days she can't leave campus and can have no visitors. My oldest daughter is wanting to start a family but she has PCOS and is struggling with her hormones. I wish I could ne more supportive. I have been holding in my emotions as I want Maddie to complete her education but the fact that we can't see her is hard. I visited the cemetery on my lunch today. Had a good cry but still feel so very sad. Working from home has some advantages but for me right now it's hard. I am exhausted from trying to hold myself together. 

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HELLO   TO   ALL.....I JUST LOST MY POST......Hate when that happens.:(

Will try again.  Wanted to get this poem posted.  

It is for everyone.....I ran across it a long time ago.

 

          She is the same,and she is different,

           She is here, but at the same time,

            A part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

            She stands in the sunlight, yet she

             Walks within the shadows of what was,

             and what can never be.......

                   She is a   Grieving  Mother.

                                 ( author unknown )

 

        Wishing  peace and comfort  to  all.

 

           Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

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Mason’s Mom

Roz, thanks for the affirmation. Music is such a trigger for me as well. Sometimes an old song will catch my attention and if I really listen to the lyrics it seems to have new meaning or maybe I just never really thought about the lyrics. 

Peace and comfort to everyone. 

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HI  TO  ALL-----

Roz-----I, so, know what you mean about the music.  My son, Davey, and I used to

talk about a lot of music, along with my older son, Chris.  Although older, by a few

years, David and Chris sometimes went to concerts.  Once when David had a new

computer with a CD burner on it,  he made me a CD of songs. I still have it, but I

don't listen to it often......too painful.  You are right....our Angel sons would want us

to enjoy things like we used to, because they were thoughtful and kind.   We make

an effort to do that, but the music can get to us and bring on the meltdowns.  Peace to you.

 

Carol-----Hope you are feeling a bit better, after taking your dear Maddie back to college.

That  can be a very bittersweet occaision.  I pray she is doing ok, and that sooner or

later they get a vaccine for the virus, so things can be a bit better, and

you will be able to visit her.  We all know that we can never  "go back",  which is our heart's

desire, and what we, who have lost children,  long for.  

 

WE   WILL   SEE   OUR   ANGELS   AGAIN.

       PEACE   TO   ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry      

  

 

 

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Mason’s Mom

Made it through the first week with Maddie away at college. The days are getting shorter,  the day light hours anyway. Today the first day of September has been rainy and overcast to match my mood. September 29th would have been Mason's 24th birthday, the whole month just seems to taunt me. He isn't here to celebrate. The last 2 years we have gathered at a restaurant,  grandparents,  aunts, uncles and cousins. This year we can't do this with covid restrictions. Not sure Maddie could leave campus to join us.

Roz,I hope you can find a getaway. Change of scenery and a break from the new normal. 

Sherry thanks for the reminder,  we will see our angels again. 

Peace and comfort to all.

Carol

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I'm reading these posts and I'm not sure if it's helping. I do know I'm not alone.

The first 6 weeks ... a blur. It feels like yesterday that the troopers showed up at my house.

We lost our 30 year old daughter and her fiance to a motorcycle crash, which in itself was horrible. They left 5 children behind. The wedding in May got canceled due to Covid. Then we find out that out daughter was still alive after hitting an elk and then they got ran over by a car, who left the scene of the accident. I was so angry, still am. I was doing pretty good, there was so much to focus on. Now the celebration of life is over and all I can think is "what now". The sadness and pain awful. There are no words of comfort. We have to be strong for the siblings as well. Between us we have 6 children. Do I now say 5?  I'm at such a loss. Loosing her fiance meant his kids had to move back, 4 hours away. We didn't just loose her, but him and his kids as well. Our bunch is now minus 5 people.

I'm functioning, I go to work, I do what needs to be done. By about 2, I have no strength or energy left. The thought of never getting to hug her again, see that big smile. She was so happy with him. He was our son for the last 4 years. How fast life can change. I can't watch a movie without something making me think of her. I try to focus on the good times we had, but even that brings tears to my eyes. There just are no words ...

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Dear Jenni's Mom,

My heart goes out to you.  Please know that you are not alone.  I can only offer prayers at this point because there is nothing that I could say that would ease your pain.  What a terrible and complex loss with your daughter, future son in law, and your future grandchildren.  It is going to take time for you to get through this grief - it's a cliche I guess, but you never stop grieving, the pain over loss of your child does not diminish, but you will learn to live with it.

What you are describing about loss of energy is very typical - I found working helped me stay distracted at first, so it was good for me.  I know other people who never went back to work.  We all grieve differently.  

May God bless you and bring you peace.

Aaron's Mom

 

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Mason’s Mom

Jenni's mom, I  hope in time reading and engaging with others will help. Just knowing others feel and think the same thoughts has been helpful for me. Losing a child is different from others losses. When someone who has never experienced this pain and tries to compare it with other losses it sometimes hurts worse than if nothing was said. This is a place of understanding. Others who are further along in their journey can help us find our way. No judgment as each person will grieve differently and there isno right or wrong. 

When asked I include Mason as my child. I will be his mother for eternity. I answer three children and if asked for more details,  I explain that Mason was 21 years old when he passed away in December 2017. I want the world to know he is my child. It is your choice with the way you answer.  Some say that don't include the child they lost because it makes some people uncomfortable.

Peace and comfort. 

Carol

 

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Jennis mom,

It depends on who is asking, if I tell them of my daughter or not.  Someone in passing, probably not.  Someone I will see regularly, eventually I tell them.

My son met his friends grandparents the other day.  The grandpa says "do you have any siblings?"  and Kyle (who is 7) says I have a sister but she died.  Slight pause, and grandpa asks, "what was her name?" It was dominique. "Beautiful name", he says.

Proud that my son has grown in his grief to be able to feel comfortable telling people about his sister.

Keep coming here, we understand. I dont post often but I always read, and it will get to a point where you wont cry everyday, but for me it took a long time. I still have moments where it smacks me in the face and I remember, she is dead. And i have to fight the tears back.

I'm sorry you are here with us

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I want to thank you all for the posts.

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined I would find myself here. I still have moments were I fell that I have to wake up from this.

Yesterday we went to see her ex, who has the two littles now. We have a wonderful relationship, thank god. But this was the first time we went there without them. It was so hard. I enjoyed it, but lost it several times. Just little things, like holding her dog, that they now have. So many moments that broke my heart over and over again. Realizing that my little granddaughter was okay there. But when she comes to my house, she isn't. She associates my house with her Mommies house. Every time we had a BBQ, Mommy and Stepdad were present. Now, they're not.

I know I'm not alone, but it doesn't make it any easier. Mason's Mom - you are so right. We've had a quite a bit of loss over the last 8 weeks. Our aunt died unexpectedly and so did our cousin. Then the other grandparent lost his sister after being sick for a long time. To me, those deaths are sad, but they're nothing in comparison with losing a child. I try to be polite, but want to scream at people. Or when I hear, I can imagine what you feel. Really, have you lost a child? I don't want to be like that. I want to be compassionate, but how could you possibly imagine this, unless you felt this.

My mind keeps circling around the circumstances. The fact that she could have survived, if she hadn't been ran over. That the police didn't even issue a citation to the other driver. The fact that we're still pushing for answers in the investigation. That we had to find out on our own, that she was alive before and after she was ran over, but the police never mentioned it. The fact that CPR was performed. I'm just so angry at the world. But it's a strange angry. Feels like a black hole. I don't have the energy to be angry. I feel like I have to focus on something other then her death.

Just thank you for listening and sorry for everyone's loss as well.

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