Loss of an Adult Child

[Mason’s Mom]

On 3/29/2020 at 5:11 PM, Windchime said:

I don't know how to make it through every day without my son. It seems to be getting harder and harder then easier 

Not sure how far along you are since the loss of your son. Take one minute at a time,  take deep breaths and let yourself grieve.  I lost my son December 17th, 2017 and I still miss him terribly.  I talk to him daily and I visit his grave. I keep going for my daughters and husband.  I stay busy and don't let myself stay focused on the loss. I try to honor him in simple little ways. Sometimes I  explain what I  have done and others times it is our little secret.  I pay for someone's lunch or I open the door for someone,  try to brighten someone's day because that is what Mason would have done.

May you find peace and comfort. 

[NiquesMom]

Hello windchime,

I have good days and bad.  Most days is like my daughter is on a trip somewhere,  and that's why I haven't spoken to her.  Other days the grief stabs through my heart.  I am a little over 2 years on this road (nique died 12/21/17),  never thought I could keep going 2 minutes without my daughter much less 2 years.  But I am here.  My son needs me,  my husband needs me. 

All I can say is take it minute by minute if you need to,  and there are a lot more bereaved parents than you realize. 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Wind chime...I am almost 9 years losing my daughter.  I had no intention of living even 9 hours after I buried her.  But yet somehow I have managed to pull myself out of the grief pit, time and time again and I’m still standing.  There are so many things I can share with you if you would like the help.  I will always reach out to other grieving parents and help in anyway I can.  I have been thru it all. Let me know if you would like to talk.  Luanne.

 

Virginia...it’s nice to see you are still holding on with all the changes that you have gone thru.  I hope you can look back and see how far you have come since losing your precious Nique and give yourself a pat on the back.    How is Kyle and your husband doing.  These are trying times for sure.
 

Masons mom.....how have things been for you.  How is your daughter doing?   I’m glad to see that you too are still coming here.  It has dwindled down to just a few here now.  I’m so proud of you and Virginia when I see you still standing strong. 
 

Peggy, Margee, Kristen, and every other grieving mom who used to be on here.  Do any of you still read here.  Does anyone want to talk.  I’m sorry I have been absent for awhile dealing with a lot of changes in my own life, but I will still be here for any of you if you want to talk.  Take care to all of you.  Luanne....Kira’s mama

[Mason’s Mom]

Luanne,  thanks for asking about me and the others.  I still check here almost daily.  I don't post all the time but reading and seeing updates on others does help. My daughters are both doing well. 

Roz, your words are a comfort as well. 

Finding this forum has been so helpful,  being able to say the feelings I experience is a good thing.  I find understanding and comfort.

The Covid 19 hasn't really concerned me until yesterday,  I started thinking about my loved ones and how devastating it would be to not be able to see them if they were hospitalized... the worry and strain would be overwhelming. Brought back painful memories and thoughts.  Knowing I wasn't with Mason when he took his last breath has been hard for me, wondering if he knew what was happening and if he was scared.  I should have been there to comfort him and hold him. These thoughts bring tears and anxiety. 

Please take care of yourselves,  we need each other or at least I feel I need each of you.

Carol 

[My girl is in heaven]

Roz, Carol, Virginia, Windchime, and any other mothers with a grieving, breaking heart. I know you are all at different time lines with your grief, but I thought I’d share a bit of my experience.  I’m almost 9 years in to the most horrific thing anyone can ever face...the loss of thier precious child.  I’m sure you’ve all experienced how so called family, friends, and co-workers have probably most, if not all have dropped off by now. Some hang around a little longer then others, but eventually they all disappear.   I would ask myself so many times,  how could they just forget about me, my pain, how could they forget about my precious girl.....WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?  Then I realized they all went back to the day BEFORE my girl died, and carried right on with thier lives.  When they came to the funeral home and expressed that they were sorry for me..they really weren’t.. ...what they were really thinking was “phew, I’m glad it wasn’t my kid”.  Then came shopping, walking down the street, going out in public, that was when I could get myself off the couch to do so, and people would turn the other way, skirt down the next isle, cross the street, anything so they wouldn’t have to come face to face with me.   It was like I had a contagious disease. I was an alien.   I figured maybe looking at me was a reminder that maybe this could happen to them.  Some say, no one knows what to say, they don’t want to upset you, etc, etc.....well I think that is B.S......And the insensitive, cruel, remarks from the ones who did say something was like a punch in the gut.  It was only when I found other grieving parents who totally got it...that I felt comfort from others.  Just like you guys.....we all walk the same path.  This is a club nobody wants to belong to, you can never get out of it and the dues are the highest of any.  For many years I sat in the bottom of the grief pit. I barely functioned laying on my couch day and night, no hygiene practices, dirty dishes piling up in my kitchen, rotten garbage bags with maggots in my garage.  I had no will to live and tried to take my life on more then a few occasions.  Even though i have two other children to live for, I just wanted to go be with my daughter. I have had years of trying to wade thru grief that as you all know is indescribable.  I won’t go on any further, I could write pages, but i won’t..... 

BUT THESE ARE THINGS I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW

 I think about my girl everyday.  I miss her everyday. But I am still standing.  I have climbed out of that grief pit.  I have found hope and happiness in my life again and you can and will too.

1.  No matter what the circumstances are of how your child died, we as parents think we should have been able to save them somehow...but we would have moved a mountain to have saved our child.  God knows what was in our heart that day and still is.  Let yourself be free of the guilt.  Let that burden be lifted from your shoulders.  It is not your fault.

2.  You can search every corner of the world, turn over every rock, and you will never find out “why”.  If God came down and sat beside me on my couch and told me why my daughter died, I still wouldn’t accept it.  Sometimes we just have to accept that some things just are, we will never get answers.....

3.  Don’t try to run from grief.  I did everything so I didn’t have to deal with it.  But grief can always run faster and harder then you.  You can’t side step it.  You have to march right thru the middle of it.  But once you stop and let it wash over  you however it will, it will lose its strength and power.  Whether it makes you scream or cry or pound the ground, let it be, but then let it go and move on.   So now when grief comes to me, and it always will, I say come on in, have your way, but don’t take your shoes off, you’re  not staying too long.  Because once I’m done crying, and by the way tears are good, then I’ll pick myself up and move on and grief gets booted out the door til next time.

4.  The other moms in this world are not better moms then you, they are just luckier, that’s all.

5. Self imposed punishment does not bring them back.  It doesn’t make you a better griever, or mean that you loved your child more because you punish yourself...it just doesn’t.

6.  Remember, there is no hand book of what to do when you lose a child.  There are no specific steps or time lines for anything.  We are all different and what every works for you, whatever gives you some comfort is absolutely the right thing for you. There is no right or wrong grief, only your own way thru grief. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

I won’t ramble any further, but I want you all to know there is a way thru this grief, this horrible, horrible loss that we have all been dealt.  The happiness lies right along side the sadness.  A thin scab forms over your heart that can be yanked off so easily, but a scar is healing, it is healing nonetheless.  You have to go thru grief, and you will feel very alone sometimes. I want you all to know I will be here for you to help you in anyway I can.  We are all on this journey together.  

Luanne...Kira’s mama

The Lonely Tree

Grief is like a lonely tree that stands in a field alone. Far away from the forest it stands there on its own. Time to reflect on life. Time to deal with the pain. But when the time is right. I will join the forest again.  

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 7, 2020 by My girl is in heaven
Lt

[Changed]

Thank you for that Luanne.   Thank you for taking the time and trouble to reach out to us all reading here.

Roz x

[Somersky]

Hey there 

It has been a struggle... trying to make this marriage work (25 years this year) 

April 18th is Skylars Birthday and Angelday... so it’s a double whammy!!!! 2016! It will be the first year we have to be home due to being isolating! I don’t particularly want to be home since I found him and gave him cpr at home.

I dread it actually. My husband annoys me to a great degree! He’s 9 years older and a know it all!! Listen to me ranting. Skylar was actually one reason why we got married. Our daughter Summer is home so that is nice although she misses her friends back east in Ontario.

I hope you are all doing well despite being isolated...

I plan on putting a flower on his train plaque clients bought him on the promenade in white rock xoxoxo

[Mason’s Mom]

Luanne,  thank you so much for expressing so many things I feel and don't say. You have no idea how much I needed those words today. 

Somersky, I have missed you. I think of you a lot and the similarities of our losses.  The 18th will be hard there's  no way around it. Just know we are here if you need to talk. 

This COVID 19 has us all feeling a bit trapped. I am happy to have Maddie home and I  couldn't ask for a better child,  she has been so mature and hasn't tried to push boundaries or go out with her friends.  She misses them but she is being smart and staying home.  My husband is not good with this at all. I am working from home and he has trouble staying here without something to do.

Peace and comfort to all.

Carol 

[Somersky]

It is sunny here... not a cloud in the sky. The day Skylar died it was the same and I really hope the 18th it rains or is cloudy. It’s just that feeling of placing my hand on him and feeling warmth but stillness at the same time... like jello... and knowing ... just knowing... he was gone. I know he has donated his corneas and tissue to help in understanding SADS (sudden Arrythmia death syndrome) to which there is no cure or understanding to why it happens... but I know that I will never understand why it happened to Skylar and how I lost my brother in a car accident at the same age of 20. When I held my dads hand 2 years ago when he suddenly died (I was with him when he died too) I knew for some reason I had to be there but I just don’t think I can handle any more loss.

i have to show you this text he sent me when he was in university.... it was just so so special ... he sent these types of messages all the time ... he loved so so so much

 

The date is may 2016 because that’s when I copied it..

Skylar sent it when he was in university.... 

[Changed]

Hi Kristen,   That is a treasure to keep - that moment in time when all was well.   None of  this losing our children makes any sense at all.   All of that love we shared with them  and then nothing continuing as it should have done.   I know that we still love them and I suppose our grief is another aspect of that love.   No doubt the 18th will be very sad and painful but probably less so than these days leading up to it - the build up can be so emotional and debilitating .     I hope that you and your family can find a way through - as it is a celebration of Skylar’s birth as well as the sadness of his angelday  I would think that your feelings will be all over the place and you will need great strength.   

I hope that whatever your struggle is with your marriage that you can come up with a solution - whatever that may be.   It takes a lot of honesty to face what is wrong and if it can be resolved  - scary, never easy and even more difficult if we are grieving as well.      Kristen, you come over as a very strong , capable women  and  I wish you well .

Roz
 

Carol,  Strange times , people at home and everything out of the norm all mixed up with our  already wobbly lives of grief and sadness - a bit of an overload at times.    Take care of yourself.   Roz

[A Cord Of 3 Strands]

Hi, My name is Nikky. I have come to this forum so many times and many of those times I have started to send a message. I have deleted my messages so many times before hitting send. Even as I am typing I wonder if I will be able to send this. I lost my daughter, Kaity, on December 2, 2019. She was 19 and 8 months pregnant. They were not able to save, Nicole, the baby either. Kaity and Nicole were killed in a car crash. I was the driver. We were hit head on by a woman who I have been told had an aneurism that caused her to pass and her car to veer into our lane. I was the only survivor. Kaity lived for a few minutes after the crash. In some ways I am so thankful I was with her for those moments but the guilt of surviving is so tough. I don't know how to return to normal life or even to a new normal. I had just gotten the confidence to start counseling and the Covid-19 epidemic started shutting things done. The counseling agency was one of the first things to close. My primary care doctor convinced me to start Prozac this week. I am scared. I know it's irrational but it's almost like in my grieving mind I think my pain and tears are my connection to her. Rationally I know that I can't just cry and sleep but I have become so used to that. I also have an 18 year old son, Kaity's brother, who lost her as well. He took a month off of his senior year while I was in the hospital and had just got back into a normal groove for himself when the Covid-19 stuff started. I can't imagine the upheaval he is feeling this school year. I need to pull myself together for his sake before he goes off to college. 

What is the secret? How do you start living life again? I have had moments where I was strong enough to fake normalcy for a few hours but as soon as my friends leave or I am alone the sorrow and grief wash over me with a terrible vengeance. I am lost. I need help. 

[Somersky]

Hi nikky 

At a time like this I have found solace in this forum as others have felt similar loss... 

There really is no secret... it is time. I know that may sound discouraging now but it is true. I lost my brother in a car accident when he was 20 we were extremely close. My biggest fear in the world was losing my son ...we were so close.. I would consider him my soul mate. Skylar touched many lives in his short life. I was the same age as my daughter when I lost my brother as she was when she lost her brother. Life is so unfair sometimes. One thing I have learned in this journey is relying on negative crutches are NOT a good thing.. they are just temporary bandaids. Eventually facing the grief is inevitable and it will come in waves but the key is to not push them away but accept them and grieve as it’s your body and minds way of healing. I imagine you will have PTSD from the accident so when you have those images accept them but don’t make them your headline of the day. They too will pass and eventually will be able to be acceptable.

It is all a process and everyone is so different ... our loved one is always alive just not physically. What I have found is I always need to talk about Skylar as I DON’T want him to become just a memory... he is still alive to me. This is a great place to share your stories of your daughter and share your feelings... we understand unconditionally.

Try to have have a good day even if they means taking your day hour by hour. My daughter after 4 years still cannot talk about Skylar.. it hurts too much .. they too were very very close (3 yrs apart)

big hugs

Kristen 

Roz... thank you for your kind words.

Carol and Luanne.. I’m always here for you... just been a bit AWOL for a bit. 

[daveydow1]

Nikky------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Kaity, and her dear baby, Nicole.

I have been on this site for many years, and as with many other parents,  I just wish I 

had the words to say. But there are no words to say, really.  Only that when we share our

loss with other people who have also lost a child/children, that somehow there is a measure

of comfort in sharing.  In the loss of my second child, David, (in a highway crash) ....I looked to

the grief sites and found this one...originally called  Beyond Indigo.  I only read the posts

for months before I felt I could post anything. The people I found were so very understanding

and helpful.  It is so soon now since your loss, that there is shock and disbelief along with pure

devastation , pain, and despair. Just knowing that others here know, firsthand, the pain of losing a child

can help some.  Please come back and read/post as you feel that you want to.  Sometimes, we

reach a place where we may need to take a break, and come back later.....and that is perfectly ok. Just

know that others here understand.

I wish you peace.

 

Skylarsmom Kristin------Hoping that your memories of your dear son can somehow give you comfort.

The  messages  he sent are so very bittersweet.

  

Roz, Carol, Virginia------good to see all of you here.  (I haven't been on for awhile).  Yes, this

Covid19 and the 'sheltering in place'  can be so frustrating......scary times, for sure. 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

     

[Mason’s Mom]

Nikky, it was 10 months before I could post my story.  I cried the entire time I typed. Roz, Sherry, Kristin, Virginia and many others have helped me a great deal. Knowing there are others that share our feelings and thoughts is comforting and helps me see I am slowly moving forward with life. I truly feel that I suffered from PTSD and still do. The traumatic experience of loss,  it was like a  never ending movie played in my head .taking me back to the phone call and not getting there in time.  Seeing my baby and feeling the warmth still in his body,  the gut wrenching pain just on repeat. I saw a therapist that helped me refocus my thoughts. I found I needed to stay busy,  I still have a hard time with trying to relax. It is a slow journey but I have a  few days that I don't cry.  I am like Krisin and I talk about Mason daily. I have a burning desire to keep his memory alive because there isn't a day that passes without thoughts of him. I can smile with some of the funny things he said and did. I want others to share their memories as well.  My daughters and husband talk about him as well and that helps.

Peace and comfort to all.

Carol 

[Somersky]

Roz... it took me some time before I could pray again but now it is part of my daily ritual... I have to have faith I will see see Skylar again. I know it’s not gods fault.. this world is an imperfect world and things happen that are so beyond our control. That morning portrayed over and over and over in my head that’s not how I wanted to see Skylar ...some people said “he was born in your arms and he died in your arms.. and on his birthday” that did not offer and consolation let me tell you but I know NOW they meant well. It’s not until now that I can see Skylar in his 20 years and that is 4 years later so it takes time.. time is the only healer really.

We are always here... 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I read your post last night but couldn't respond until today. Like I mentioned I couldn't pray for months after losing Mason.  I don't know if you remember me mentioning the terrible weeks and months after losing him. My husband had a deep aggressive skin cancer removed 11 days prior to our loss and we didn't know if it had spread,  3 weeks after Mason's death we got a call from the state medical examiner.  They rarely call anyone but she wanted to let us know the cause of death and that he had a rare heart disease that can be hereditary.  We needed to get both our daughters tested immediately. I really don't know how I made it through the weeks of appointments and medical testing. We started in mid January and didn't get all the results until Near the end of March.  Maddie was finally released to play sports again,  in mid April she broke her wrist sliding into 2nd base, that was a Tuesday and she had an appointment the following Tuesday with a surgeon.  That Sunday night my husband was hurting and couldn't sleep he was walking the floors and saying his chest and abdomen hurt.  Maddie was terrified that he was dying.  About 2 AM we got him to the emergency room where he was diagnosed with a gallbladder attack,  he was sent home with an appointment for a surgeon on Tuesday.  Same day as Maddie's appointment.  That Monday evening my oldest Daughter Morgan calls from her boyfriend's house in tears she is hurting same type of pain as her Dad. She had gastric bypass surgery so she couldn't go the local ER. She called her doctors (2 1/2 hours away). They suspected her gallbladder and told her to come over the following morning.  So I had my husband and both daughters going to meet with a surgeon and I couldn't be in 3 places at once. Tim took himself and Maddie,  my mom took Morgan. I get a call from Morgan and they are going to do surgery right away.  I can't make it to her in time for the surgery.  Tim schedules his for later in the week and Maddie has to wear a brace on her right hand.  She is  right handed so it made it difficult for her to do most things. By this point I am completely overwhelmed.  Just got results Tim's cancer had not spread they got it all, the girls hearts were good and then they are all down with injuries or from surgery.  I went and sat on my porch swing and cried and to God  "I don't know what you expect from me,  I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN ". That is when I heard a whippoorwill to the south, the the west and finally one from the east. I was surrounded. The thing about the whippoorwill is that Mason always heard their call as Skip the Buttercup. In my heart I knew God made this possible,  Mason was telling me " it's okay Mom" listen to the attachment and open your heart for your whippoorwill. 

[Changed]

My goodness Carol that was really far too much for anyone to deal with - you must have been in bits.   We don’t have whippoorwills here but I’ll find a recording of one so I know what you heard.    It must have felt  like a very powerful , much needed message from Mason .

kristen,   Trying not to focus on my son’s death and instead on his life is something I desperately want to do    It’s plain wrong to be depressed when I think of him but I’m stuck in that one period of time .    Obviously, it’s not him that depresses me it’s his death.   I think I’ll pick some really lovely times with him and retune into those memories -  they will make me sad because they are gone but they are gone even if David were still alive.   They are precious though so I’ll see how I go .

Thanks for caring all of you,    Roz

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen...I’m so glad to see you’re still posting.  I know Skylars angel/birthday are coming up and I’m sure you know by now those days tear our heart out.  But you also know the day after grief will loosen its grip just a little, letting you breath again.  I’m sorry your marriage is still struggling.. Mine did not survive, but I have met someone new and have found much happiness in my life again. Is Summer home now with Covid?  I know how we hold our surviving kids just a little tighter and a little longer then we ever used to.  I’m here for you, always.  Remember Kira and Skylar are playing basketball  in heaven.  Kira would be so determined not to let a boy beat her.
 

Roz, that is lovely to think of those great memories of your boy.  That’s one thing absolutely no one can take from you.  They are yours to visit anytime you want to.  As time goes on your present , new memories will be interspersed with the old.  You will find light and hope again.  Even though you might not think that right now. Its a slow process, that just sort of evolves over time.  You never just all of a sudden say Hey, I’m happy or ever feel you are “over it”, which is what the rest of the world thinks.  Your head and your heart just get to a place where they come to an understanding of how life is now.  Just keep getting up every day, baby steps...one day at time.  I would love to hear about your David, if you would like to share.  
 

Carol...you have had so much on your plate to deal with.....  The week after my Kira died, I got this idea that I was going to do something that would please God so much, that he would make an exception this one time and bring my girl back.  I truly thought that for a time and actually felt happy that I had come up with a way to get her back.  Ridiculous I know, but it wasn’t to me at the time.  I don’t know why God takes a child, but I do know God didn’t look down and “pick’ any of our kids.  He was not punishing them or us and God shed a tear too the day our children died.  And those whippoorwills sure were your boy saying “ it’s ok mom, I’m so proud of you for holding strong amidst life’s woes.  That’s my mom”.  I’m glad you recognized that sign....as time goes on we are more open to receiving them then in the beginning.

Nikky, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and the horrible circumstances surrounding the loss of your daughter.  There are so very many things we can share with you here if you chose to come back. There is something so comforting to share with those who walk the same path as you do. Please lean on us. We are all here holding your hands.

Virgina, how are you doing these days.  I imagine Kyle is home now.  R u or your husband still working?  I was glad to see you are still posting and are working thru the challenges we all face as grieving moms.

Windchime....how are you.  I hope you are still reading and will reach out.  There is so much help here to hold on to.  Let us know if you are still here.

Margee, Peggy, Devianez, Leah,   All of you other grieving moms....you have to go thru grief......but never alone.

No matter where you are in this journey of grief, you will always feel like you go one step forward, then one back, in the pit , then climbing back out again.  But remember every time you climb out of that pit, you are just a little bit stronger then the time before.  And after a while, you have climbed out so many times you can just put your foot in the notches that you have carved out and hoisting yourself gets a little easier every time.

Hugs to you all, you brave, strong, resilient mamas.

Lu.....Kira’s mama.

 

 

 

 

 

[Somersky]

Summer is home... bored and hoping school goes back so there is some normalcy but I suspect not this year. 

It is extremely hard since my husband and I were both there helping Skylar that morning... and I still live with that guilt that I could have saved him had I come up 1 minute sooner. Skylar had JUST stopped breathing but by the time emergency response came and me doing CPR for 45 minutes he was ventilated but there was no brain activity. Luanne it’ S nice to hear you have found some peace in a partner... it makes a difference 

It is just so so sad ... life will NEVER be the same ... I miss him EVERYDAY and think of him EVERY HOUR

[Mason’s Mom]

12 hours ago, Somersky said:

Summer is home... bored and hoping school goes back so there is some normalcy but I suspect not this year. 

It is extremely hard since my husband and I were both there helping Skylar that morning... and I still live with that guilt that I could have saved him had I come up 1 minute sooner. Skylar had JUST stopped breathing but by the time emergency response came and me doing CPR for 45 minutes he was ventilated but there was no brain activity. Luanne it’ S nice to hear you have found some peace in a partner... it makes a difference 

It is just so so sad ... life will NEVER be the same ... I miss him EVERYDAY and think of him EVERY HOUR

Kristen,

I have been thinking about you today.  I am sure for you this is the hardest day of your year. Love this photo, such a handsome young man.  Guilt is a hard thing to carry, you did your best to save him.  I hope today you can find some of the happy memories of his past birthdays as well as just happy memories of times you spent with Skylar.  I agree nothing will ever be the same, we are missing a part of our heart.  There is always that sadness that seems to be at the edge of everyday.  Some days it is the center and just won't shake loose.  

Happy Birthday to Skylar.

Praying for your peace and comfort.

Carol

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen...I am holding your heart and hands today dear friend.  You know that I too live with “if I had only got there sooner”.  And as you know Kira died with some kind of heart issue, just like your Skylar. I always thought you were some how luckier than me because you got there sooner then I did and you did do CPR and there was still nothing that would bring him back.  But I didn’t respond to that thud and if I had of I don’t know if I might have been able to save her.  I know Kristen, I know, exactly how you feel.  I am almost 9 years, so further along the path then you.  It is easier said then done, but you must release the guilt that you hold.  We would have moved a mountain to save our babies, God knows what was in our hearts that day and still is and for what ever reason our kids time was up.  We had absolutely no way of knowing there was anything to be on guard for.  And we did our best, we really did.  Give Summer an extra squeeze today.  I hope you and your husband have found your way back to each other.  Let that part of his death go now.  Your boy would not want his mama living with this much sadness now.  Are you still teaching Pilates?  Are you still going on hikes?  You need to take a few more steps towards finding some joy again my friend.  You will always miss your boy, love him and hold him close to you. There will always be tears, but let there be a few smiles mixed in there. Your beautiful boy would want that for you.   Thank you for sharing that beautiful picture of Skylar.  Happy heavenly birthday dear boy.  

Luanne......Kira’s mama.

[Windchime]

I had only lost my beautiful son 2 months ago.  I can't see any end in the crying,  sadness,  emptiness,  and the pain. I  miss him so very much!

[Mason’s Mom]

Windchime, I won't say time heals.  I have been told that so many times. You learn to deal with the pain and believe or not you will finally have days when you don't cry. I miss my son every day.  Rarely a waking hour without a thought of him. My struggle is wanting everyone to remember him and cherish those moments. I talk to him daily.  Sometimes it is as simple as "Mason,  I love you " other times I tell other things that I would have shared with him. A friend told me in the beginning remember to breathe, I would find myself taking shallow breaths because it hurt to take a deep breath. I started making myself take deep breaths. It helped me calm myself. You may want to find a good counselor after the pandemic. I did see one for awhile. Allow yourself to grieve but don't lose yourself,  I have to remind myself that Mason would be very upset with me if I let my grief swallow me. He would tell me , Mom I know you loved me so I want you to be happy. He always told me to stop worrying about him.

Carol 

[NiquesMom]

Skylers mom: I know how hard the birthday and angel date are.  To have that on the same day seems so much more unfair.  I hope you found some peace today.  Happy Birthday Skyler,  send signs and peace to your mom. 

 

Windchime: 2 months seems like an eternity and yet no time at all,  all at the same time.  For me,  it's not that it is easier,  but it's that the grief is not all consuming.  The only advice I have is to lean into the grief,  and know there is light on the other side.  We all grieve differently,  and don't let anyone put you on a timetable of when you should be "better. "  if you haven't lost a child,  you don't understand. 

 

Last night,  laying next to my son,  my brain took me back to the last time I saw nique in the funeral home.  Hadnt been thrust into a memory like that for a while.  God,  I miss her so much.  I think the quarantine is affecting my mental health a bit.  How things get back to a little more normal soon,  my son had been doing so well and is starting to struggle sleeping alone again. 

 

Peace to all in this new normal. 

[Changed]

Kristen - you and Skylar have been on my mind for days now.   Love and kind thoughts to you both.  Roz 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  reading your post and how your mind went back to the funeral home. Those flashbacks are so painful and take us back to the depths of pain no parent should ever experience. They come out of nowhere and blindside us. I have often wondered why we put ourselves through a visitation and a funeral. It is so hard on family members.  Many people have said for them it is healing and they need the closure. I have told my family if something happens to me,  just have a funeral no need for them to have a visitation. 

I think this pandemic is hard for us to hear of so many deaths and I have worried that my girls, husband,  mom, brother and other loved ones would become ill and be hospitalized. To not be able to see them if they were hospitalized would be so overwhelming.  I am afraid to speak these fears out loud. 

Carol 

[Mason’s Mom]

Bad evening. My heart's hurting so much. 

[Somersky]

Thank you all for your kind and loving thoughts ... it meant so much. I couldn’t even fathom losing someone now and not being able to have a service for them due to covid 19.

skylar had 800-900 people at his service .. there is no way that would be allowed now... my heart goes out to everyone that has lost a loved one and unable to hold a memorial.. it’s heartbreaking.

My studio has been closed due to covid ... the city will let me know when I can open.. 2 meter distance is required when it does. Dr Henry is quite conservative when it comes to when things should start up again. I’m getting a bit antsy.....

love you all xoxoxox

[Mason’s Mom]

I have checked this forum almost daily,  I just couldn't write or post anything. I hope everyone is doing well and coping with Covid 19 better than I have.  We haven't been ill it's just not having the freedom to come and go anywhere that has been an issue. We take so much for granted. We live in the same home that my kids spent most of their lives. The same home I grew up in as well. Sometimes the memories are so overwhelming. I don't want to move from our home just get away and be with friends. 

I did go grocery shopping last Saturday and I saw Mason's girlfriend for the first time in over 2 years. She has been upset with us because we kept Mason's truck. We offered it to her in the beginning and she had told us she couldn't afford to take the payments on. She went back and forth.  We ended up keeping it but she has been mad since then.  Saturday I tried to explain to her what prompted our decision and that in our initial shock we were overwhelmed and couldn't make decisions.  She has said she helped him with some of the payments and I think she feels we owe her. Just so sad to not talk to her anymore. Mason used his truck to pull her horse trailer almost every week. We weren't privy to any money arrangement they had. Anyway seeing her set me back and I just can't get over her getting so angry.  No mention of her helping him with payments until we decided to keep it and the payments. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Thanks Valerie,  I am a work in progress. Trying to move on. Just came as a shock to see her.

So sorry to hear you have lost friends to this virus. It is such a difficult time for all of us, the added pain of loss would be particularly difficult. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Tomorrow is Mother's day,  I want to spend time with my mom and daughters and I will do my best to show how much I love them, however it is another reminder that my son isn't here. This is my 3rd Mother's day without him. Time keeps moving on and it is so hard to describe how some days I  just want to fast forward and try to get to that better place Emotionally and then I feel so so sad that it has been 2 1/2 years since I saw and told my son I loved him.

[NiquesMom]

I had a break down yesterday.  I miss nique so much,  it's not fair.  My son hugged me and told me we all have rough days.  I am just so tired of being tired.  

Today is mothers day and my son is excited for me,  so I will put on my smile,  but I am so broken inside. 

I hope you all feel peace today,  I am going to try. 

Happy Mother's Day to us all. 

[NiquesMom]

So nique was in my dream.  Nothing profound,  I was helping her brush her hair,  but it was so nice to get to see her,  even for a moment.

Her friend called me yesterday.  Nique was supposed to move in with him. I think he really loved her,  probably would have become her boyfriend.  He is going to propose to his girlfriend in a couple weeks.  Glad he is happy but it's hard. 

[My girl is in heaven]

I’m glad you got to visit your girl in your dreams Virginia.  I have had very few dreams of Kira, but when I have she was around 8 or 9 years old in them and yet 17 when she died.   As we get further down our grief path we are more open to receiving signs or visits from our precious kids.  Remember your girl always sit s right close to your heart.

Carol, Roz, Kristen, anyone else new or old here,....how has everyone come thru Mothers Day, the pandemic, .Its all overwhelming for our already burdened hearts......but we are a brave bunch who have endured the most horrific thing that can be unleashed on anyone and yet here we still are.

 

Lu.....Kira’s mama

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  good to hear that you dreamed of your sweet girl.  I have yet to dream of Mason others have told me they dream of him.

Lu, still working from home however my husband went back to work last week and Maddie went to back to her summer job today.  Mothers day is bitter sweet. I hold myself together for the girls and my mom. How are you holding up through all of this?

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, our company has not given us a return to the office date. There are almost 200 employees in our department and the cubicles are not 6 feet apart and the space won't allow for that kind of expansion.  We have been successful working from home with many agents performing significantly better so they aren't rushing us. Who knows that could change but I will continue to work from home. We have daily meetings and I continue to train new agents as well as continuing education for other teams in and out of the US. Things are slowly opening up to the public so that helps.  If I get out and see others it is much better than being at home day after day. 

Peace, comfort and take care everyone. 

Carol

[BeyondRepair]

I finally had a dream of my daughter. It was just a random thing. I poked my head in her room and said something. She was just sitting on her bed. I don't remember what I said. I want to have the dream where I remember that she is gone. Then I can hug her and talk to her.. I visit the spot she died everyday (its in the woods) I don't know why. its not like she's there. But its peaceful despite what happened there. Its a nice day. But its like a slap in the face. She would be outside enjoying it. So every nice day brings a great deal of sorrow. I haven't been able to eat...for some reason it makes me feel guilty. I don't want to see anyone. The worst thing is that there is no relief for this. Nothing can make this better. And I'm stuck here forced to endure this endless nightmare. I don't want to have a life without her. I want to watch her grow up.

You know what really makes me angry is that when I was a teenager I put myself in so many stupid and dangerous situations...but I'm still here. But my daughter who was only spending time with 'friends' is gone.

[NiquesMom]

Today is Nique's 21st birthday. I have been watching this day come on the calendar, one step each day. Reminded me of the steps down the hallway at the hospital, walking slower and slower, like I could prevent the inevitable if I walked slow enough. And now we are here. I can't stop it now, like I couldn't stop it then.

My favorite memories: the hug you gave me when you got off the plane in Denver, best hug ever!  Me giving you an Eskimo kiss that last Christmas because you wanted to go back to sleep after we had opened gifts. The day you got your first job, you called so excited, squealing over the phone so loud my coworkers could hear you. You trying to catch a fish when you were 5 (thank heavens you never caught one, no idea how I would have removed it). Saying how forgettable you were (you meant forgetful). So mad in Kindergarten when the kids made fun of your shoes (forget the fact you made your teacher cry). 

It hurts to remember and it hurts that no one in my family remembered. IT JUST HURTS. 

[Mason’s Mom]

Happy birthday Nique. So sorry no one seems to remember, I  bet they remember they just don't say anything. So many people think they aren't supposed to mention our children, it isn't like aren't thinking about them night and day. Maybe they don't how to handle the  tears. Only those of us that have suffered the Unspeakable loss of a child can understand. Loved the memories you shared. The little things they said and did can never be taken from us, hold on tight to those precious memories. She certainly wasn't forgettable. Peace and comfort to you.

[Mason’s Mom]

There is so much sad news in the US right now. It's hard to look at social media or listen to any news.

I hope everyone is is virus free and safe. I am trying to tune out as much as possible but things are no where near the normal life we had and tuning out feels even lonelier. 

Since losing Mason I have tried to spread love and kindness in his memory,  I feel at a loss right now.  Due to Covid 19 we are no having the golf tournament to fund the scholarship. So we will have to give less this year, when I want to give more.

Again I hope everyone is safe and finds peace. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Roz...yes, your friends seemingly genuine grief reaction, followed by her genuine....I don’t care ...answer a few minutes later.   Your right, it didn’t happen to them..it wasn’t thier child.  It was a very painful realization for me that all the “I’m sorry for loss”, let me know if you need anything, “give me a call sometime”.  It was all disingenuous.  It was over for them the minute they walked out of the funeral home, if not before.  All they were really saying was “Phew, I’m glad that wasn’t my kid”.  And seeing you, or talking to you is just a stark reminder that maybe it could happen to them.  At almost 9 years for me and my family and friends are strangers and now strangers are more like family and friends. It was only when I started to find others like all of you, those parents who walked in the same shoes as I, that I found compassion and understanding and hope.  I had to leave all,of those hurtful people and thier uncaring words behind.  I just could not accept they really did care so little about my daughter and me.  So lean in here, hold my hand...I don’t get on here as often as I’d like anymore, but will try to be more so.  I will be here for you, for all of you ..as I know the path you walk.  
 

Carol.  Covid isolates even more then we already feel.  But you will continue to hold,your sons memory how ever feels right for you when things open up again.  Share his light and life with whoever you can, the best you can .  That includes all of your friends here.  Your big, beautiful kind hearted son...who brought so much joy to those who loved him.  So you are still working from home?  Where I live in Ontario, there is very little opening up again because we have so many cases.  
 

Virginia.  It is heart breaking when family and friends don’t remember those two important dates on the calendar.  It used to upset me to no end....I finally stopped putting an in memorium  in the paper because I didn’t need to wear my grief on my sleeve anymore and those who loved her would remember anyway.  It matters not to me anymore who does or doesn’t remember, because I am her mom and I will always remember.  Let Niques birthdays be your days with your girl, to let your heart do and be where it needs to...  Accept acknowledgement if someone offers it, but don’t let the lack of, derail your feelings about how much your girl was loved and what she meant to you.

Kristen...how are you doing?  Anymore trail adventures?  Is Summer home from school now I assume.  Looks like B.C. is fairing better then Ontario.  I hope your heart has been able to heal a little.  It has been such a hard road for you.  You have struggled so much...but try to look back and see that you have come a long way to find hope and happiness again.  Remember Kira and Skylar playing basketball in heaven. 
 

Any of you newbies, maybe just reading right now, maybe have only posted a couple of times, maybe you don’t know what to say or where to begin.....no matter where you are on this unimaginably painful journey..you do have to march thru the middle of this thing called grief...of this new life that none of us wanted, but are nonetheless thrown into, but you do not have to go thru this alone...never alone.  Come here and we can talk to each other, lay your burden down if only for a bit and know there is hope to live life with some happiness again....it is hard fought for sure...but there is always hope.

Take care everyone.  Please come here and keep reaching out.

 

Lu....Kira’s mama.

 

[daveydow1]

HELLO TO ALL INDIGOS.    I haven't been on for awhile, (although am an "old-timer"

to this site..)  

Carol ----thanks for the pics of Mason's bench and the Bible verse that is shown with it. 

I guess that  Maddie's graduation was very bittersweet.......happy for her accomplishments

under sorrowful times, and also for your grief and pain of missing your dear son, Mason. 

You are right to just take your time in donating Mason's things.  It must be done on your

timeline alone.  I remember giving some of David's clothes to a charity.....including one of

his favorite shirts. this was not long after David passed....maybe only a couple months.

I felt so terrible about it, I went back and talked to a kind woman who worked there whom

I had been friendly with whenever I went into the store. I looked in the section where they

had the shirts, and located David's shirt. I asked if I could have it back, and she graciously

gave it to me. I had misjudged my readiness to part with the shirt. So, when giving away

of the things that belonged to our dear children, who passed from this world too soon,  we  must

ponder it and go at our own timeline ....not anyone else's.

 

Miasmommy----Yes, the 2 yr. mark is particularly painful......seems like a photocopy of the

first year. Glad that your mom was with you for your stomach surgery, and I pray that you

are recovering well. Missing your sweet little girl makes things harder, I know.  I wish you 

good luck in your pursuit of your RN schooling. You will have a head start on all the empathy

and kindness that you have with the death of your dear Mia. I have retired from nursing, and

I know that beyond the necessary nursing skills, that a deep feeling for the patients is a

very necessary,  part of it.  

MYmy31i----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Mia.  There is little that anyone

can say to ease the pain, I know.....but just know that  all here at this site know, first hand,

the sorrow, pain, and despair of losing a beloved child. Although at different timelines of loss

we are all in it together , here on this site.    Peace to you.

 

Peggy----I agree....we should all choose how we want our final arrangements to be.  I 

hope you are doing ok these days, although I know the pain and missing your son is always with you.

 

Virginia-----Sorry to hear that your little boy is having such a rough time of it.  I hope that 

being back in therapy will help him.  Bless his little heart.

 

Shannon----Wow...little Lily Nova is a beautiful baby....thanks for the pics.  Your little farm sounds

busy with the animals that you have. How is Aiden?  Hard to believe that Zak is now 20 and a new dad.

Time does go by.....whether we are always aware of it or not, I guess. My David's angel day is coming

up June 14. It will be 17 years.  Where does the time go?  I'm sure you know that sometimes it feels

like only yesterday since our darlings passed, and yet a hundred years since we've seen them.  Take care.

 

Somersky,--- Changed----Good to see your post, and pray you are doing ok.

 

PEACE    AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL   

Davey&Lisasmom.....sherry

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Sherry, Lu & Roz, you all make  me feel better. I check in almost daily.  Like it has been said we all understand the pain of moving forward.  I rarely post anything on any other social media or talk to other people about the pain of losing and missing Mason.  Most people do think we should just move on, it has just over 2 1/2 years. Still have the breath knocked out of me from time to time. 

Still working from home.  My husband and daughter have returned to work,  so lots of time by myself. 

Thanks to everyone for continuing your support,  it means so much to me. 

[daveydow1]

Carol------Yes...I think that it doesn't matter where we are on the timeline of grief.....

the pain and lonlieness without our beloved children will hit us. The 2 yrs. mark is

very painful, as the reality really hits.    I am at the 17 yr mark

tomorrow...the terrible day that my son, David was killed by a runaway semi-reefer truck.

I, too, check in and read, but don't always post.....I guess sometimes there seems to be

nothing that I can add/post.  Over the years, many people have said that they read, and 

post whenever they can, and that's ok.  this site has never had a lot of strict rules about

posting.  That's what makes it so supportive....we all go at the speed that our emotions

let us.  This site has been a lifeline to lots of folks....myself included.   Mason surely looks

down on you and the family and knows you love him. He is always with you.

 

PEACE   TO   EVERYONE.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Carol...yes, the world thinks we should just move on....they just want their uncomfortableness to go away, that’s all.  Why aren’t you over it, it’s been ———- months, years. We never get over, we only find a way of weaving our sadness into a new life.  Our grief and yearning for our kids is always there.  We only feel understood by other grieving parents.  That’s where we find our soft place to fall, where we know we can say or feel anything and never be judged.  We are a small group here now, but I’m glad we have each other.  Are u still working from home? 
 

Roz, how are you doing?  This world is so challenging to make our way thru right now and for those of us who grieve the loss of a child, makes it even more so.  But we can all come here and hold hands and read each other’s words.  All in our little world that most thankfully, Don’t understand.  Coming across David’s video messages must have been heart breaking but also uplifting too.  We live with one foot in heaven and the other here on earth.  Take care and let me know how you are.  
 

virgina.  How are things your way?  R u working from home?  I assume Kyle is not in school.  I see Florida has an increase number of cases.  I know it hurts when no one remembers Niques birthday.  I have the same thing, as unfortunately a lot of grieving parents do, but I don’t let that deter me from knowing the absolute joy and wonder my daughter was.  You’re her mom and you will never forget and that’s all that is important.  
 

kristen, Margee, peggy,. Any others out there, hope you’re all doing well and please come here when you want to talk to others on this heart breaking journey.  Hugs.

 

lu.....Kira’s mama

 

 

[Changed]

Hi Lu - we were both writing at the same time -  I’m fine.   Thanks ,  Roz

[NiquesMom]

Thank you for asking, you all are so better than I am at remembering to ask. Two and a half years in and my memory is still full of hole, swiss cheese brain i think. Used to be able to remember everything and now, i forget it as soon as i think of it.

Yes, I only moved about 5 minutes away from where we were. I like the house and the neighborhood.  I am working from home and my husband lost his job. So the 3 of us have been in the house for 3 months (today actually...3/18/2020 was my first day working at home).  

Trying to keep a sense of normalcy. We had a trip planned since last year, decided its been paid for so we are going. Spending a week in SC.  Trying not to worry too much, just going to try and be careful (masks, hand washing, social distancing). Lots of going to the beach and pool. Makes me nervous to be in a hotel though. Have never been a germaphobe or anything, but I worry about my husband and son getting sick (not me, not too worried about me). And trying to make a 7 year old understand how important it is to wash his hands?  But, we can't live in a shell either. 

I hope you are all holding it together, the angel days coming up I pray fr peace for you. They are missed and loved everyday.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia it is strange the same day I started working from home was the 18th of March as well. Things are becoming routine and we haven't been given a return to office date.  I train agents all over the world including India and the Philippines and have daily video calls with other team members.  I stay very busy during business hours but the evenings are the struggle. Still can't sleep well. 

I find myself turning away from news and while its even more isolating, I can't take the sadness of everything. We just discussed what we will do for our vacation time this year. Such a strange time,  we won't travel far but will try to take a few days together away from work and home.  

Peace and hope to each of you.

Carol 

[My girl is in heaven]

Thanks Roz, yes today, June 19th, is Kira’s angel date and yes one of the last things my girl and I did together was to get an ice cream cone, so I started this tradition to go get a Kira Kone on her angel date.  So anybody that feels so inclined to do so, have a Kira Kone today for my girl.

How is everyone doing?  Covid, all the racial issues, just listening to the news is so depressing especially for those of us who already suffer from tragedy.  We are all in this together .  I’m holding everyone’s hand.  Hugs.
 

lu...Kira’s mama

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Lu, thinking of you today. Enjoy that Kira cone.