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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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So my husband and I are talking about adoption, and I am very torn.  I know no one can ever replace my daughter and I have a lot of love to give.  But sometimes I worry I am too broken.  These kids need whole parents, and what if I am not up to it?  I know Kyle would like a brother, one that he can play with (he says babies cry too loud and would take too long to be old enough to play with).  I don't know if a baby is in the cards for me (I have had a few miscarriages since having kyle, and he took 6 years to get here to begin with).  it would definitely need to be the right child, as we cannot handle more loss (thats why I a looking at adoption instead of fostering), kyle and I are very tender hearted.  We are going to an informational meeting next week, as an entire family.  I thought it was a good idea (it popped in my head last week and I thought maybe nique made it pop in there). The house is just so quiet, but maybe we are too broken for a child that is already broken too?

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Mason’s Mom
1 hour ago, NiquesMom said:

So my husband and I are talking about adoption, and I am very torn.  I know no one can ever replace my daughter and I have a lot of love to give.  But sometimes I worry I am too broken.  These kids need whole parents, and what if I am not up to it?  I know Kyle would like a brother, one that he can play with (he says babies cry too loud and would take too long to be old enough to play with).  I don't know if a baby is in the cards for me (I have had a few miscarriages since having kyle, and he took 6 years to get here to begin with).  it would definitely need to be the right child, as we cannot handle more loss (thats why I a looking at adoption instead of fostering), kyle and I are very tender hearted.  We are going to an informational meeting next week, as an entire family.  I thought it was a good idea (it popped in my head last week and I thought maybe nique made it pop in there). The house is just so quiet, but maybe we are too broken for a child that is already broken too?

Attend the meeting  get a feel for what is expected. Maybe a way to honor her. You won't replace her, all of us know no one will replace our children. 

 

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Mason’s Mom

I was running errands on my lunch break today. I walked by a Valentine's display and the first card to catch my eye was Happy Valentine's Day SON card. I thought I was doing better, but this hits hard. Seems like there are constant reminders of our loss. I want to be able to fully function as a mom, wife and member of society then I feel like the breath is sucked from me. The pain comes rushing back in waves.

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MiasMommyForever

Haven't been on here in months,  but I've been especially emotional lately. Maybe its the weather, its nothing but rain here in Ca. It'll be 2 years in May since I lost my 5 yr old daughter Mia to cancer.. and even though I still  think of her every minute, I'm better at not constantly coming apart. I no longer cry every single time I get in the shower or every time I drive-in the car by myself, although it's still most times I'm by myself in the car. My boys are doing much better, they are 5 in 9 years old now. She would have been right in the middle, she would be 7. I completely understand the feeling of seeing Valentine's cards and gifts and wish I could just give something, anything to my baby girl. I leave the most random things sometimes at the cemetary. The other day I left a soda, an orange, and a pink stuffed ladybug. I just wish I could make her one more meal, watch 1 more movie with her,  just kiss her soft hair that was growing back from chemo just one more time. Let me tell you something that works for me most days. When I see something that reminds me of Mia, hear a song that she liked, or anything at all that triggers her memory and that feeling of loss starts to cover my heart, I think that its Mias way of telling me she loves me and is with me always. I try to welcome those signs, because as long as i remember my girl, she'll never be far from my mind and never ever forgotten. I'm proud I got to be her mommy even for the short time. Every song that reminds me of her, every single thing that reminds me of her, is special because she loved it.. so i smile big, then sometimes I cry, but sometimes I stay smiling. Its a work in progress, but its slowly working for me. I have no choice but to keep going.. my husband and boys need me to be better. 

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Mason’s Mom
18 hours ago, MiasMommyForever said:

Haven't been on here in months,  but I've been especially emotional lately. Maybe its the weather, its nothing but rain here in Ca. It'll be 2 years in May since I lost my 5 yr old daughter Mia to cancer.. and even though I still  think of her every minute, I'm better at not constantly coming apart. I no longer cry every single time I get in the shower or every time I drive-in the car by myself, although it's still most times I'm by myself in the car. My boys are doing much better, they are 5 in 9 years old now. She would have been right in the middle, she would be 7. I completely understand the feeling of seeing Valentine's cards and gifts and wish I could just give something, anything to my baby girl. I leave the most random things sometimes at the cemetary. The other day I left a soda, an orange, and a pink stuffed ladybug. I just wish I could make her one more meal, watch 1 more movie with her,  just kiss her soft hair that was growing back from chemo just one more time. Let me tell you something that works for me most days. When I see something that reminds me of Mia, hear a song that she liked, or anything at all that triggers her memory and that feeling of loss starts to cover my heart, I think that its Mias way of telling me she loves me and is with me always. I try to welcome those signs, because as long as i remember my girl, she'll never be far from my mind and never ever forgotten. I'm proud I got to be her mommy even for the short time. Every song that reminds me of her, every single thing that reminds me of her, is special because she loved it.. so i smile big, then sometimes I cry, but sometimes I stay smiling. Its a work in progress, but its slowly working for me. I have no choice but to keep going.. my husband and boys need me to be better. 

Thanks for words of encouragement. I do the same at the cemetery. I decorated with hearts for Valentines Day and go by pretty often although I try not spend a lot of time I want all the minutes I get with my girls and husband. 

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Made it through the day,  barely.  Went to the store to pick out something for my husband and son, and left in tears.  Picked a candy for my husband,  and the one behind it I would have gotten for nique (it had kittens on it and she loved cats). 

Then,  laying down for bed,  Kyle had another crying fit,  missing his sister.  I wish I could help him more.  Makes me think we may to broken for another child.  If we struggle daily,  maybe we aren't suitable. 

I miss her so much,  and feel so alone at times.  I hate this,  it's not fair,  tired of crying.  Try to remember the happy moments,  but I feel they are outshadowed by sadness. 

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MiasMommyForever

Niques mom,

You're not alone, I hate it too, and its sooo not fair. You are so strong. The fact that you are a functioning mom for your son speaks volumes of your strength. That you can hold him and help him through his grief is exactly why you're still here. I always feel like I'd rather be with my daughter in heaven, but then my boys run up and hug me and I feel crazy for ever even thinking of leaving. The thoughts come back, leave again, and the stupid awful cycle of grief just keeps going around and around.

You know how sometimes there are days when u feel pretty good, smile and laugh with your husband, still thinking of our angels, but overall okay and dont feel like crying? Think of having another child on those days..because these bad days come and go, they will eventually be further apart (so i hear). I find that when the kids are at school i let it all out, and feel better by the time they come home so I'm not putting my grief on them, and I'm stronger for them if they want to cry. I myself am thinking of another child, my husband wants one,  it was always our plan before my girl got sick.. but I'm not sure either. You and everyone else are always in my prayers, and if you're crying youre not alone. Im crying right along with you for the exact same reason.

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Thank you Mia's mom.  Its funny...I was so excited by the thought of adopting, helping a child who needs help and giving kyle an older brother at the same time. I felt like Nique put the idea in my head.  I was excited for about 4 days, and now I feel useless and hopeless and too broken to be of use to another child, much less the son I have.  I know I won't feel like this all the time, but I feel so down right now. Thank you for saying the things that are in my head.  I have cried more this week than I have all month.  Maybe my emotions just got all built up and I am on overload now.

I know what you mean about wanting to be with our daughters and then feeling bad when our sons come to hug us. How can I think of leaving kyle?  I know he needs me, and I don't want him to think he is not enough, that I loved Nique more since I miss her so much.  Hopefully I don't screw him up too much.

 

I am tryingo get back to the old me a bit. I have planned 5 trips to take Kyle on (and they are paid for and nonrefundable) so we are going. I took Nique so many places, and I want to give that to kyle, but some days I just dont want to leave the bed.  Figure if things are paid for I wont back out on doing them.

 

Hugs to all,

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Mason’s Mom

Nia's mom and Niques Mom thanks for your candidness. There have been times when I have thought it would be so easy to just give up and leave the pain behind. Driving and just thinking it would be okay if I had an accident or by some other means I could leave this life behind then my girls come to mind and I know I couldn't leave them. The guilt is terrible and I don't ever want them to think I love them less than their brother and I know they suffered a loss too.

I agree we have to mourn and let the tears flow and for some it is anger. I have felt I would explode if I can't release the pain through tears. I get up and face each day and try to be the best wife and mom possible. I try to honor my son and small acts of kindness sometimes I will tell someone I am doing this in memory of my son and sometimes I keep it to myself. 

 

HUGS TO ALL

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Good evening to all.  No, I haven't been abducted by aliens using an anal probe.....I have just had the worst January, ever.  I find myself talking to Jason as if he is right beside me.  Then, I remember something that I wished we had talked about.  Then I cry.....and cry ... and then cry some more.  My nose has no skin left on it, going thru boxes of tissues.  Other than seeing Jeremy, Natalie , Carson and Ryder, I have not seen another human ( except doctors and technicians) since the beginning of the year. Am I now an official recluse?  

I will be having the A-FIB ablation sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Just 2-3 days in the hospital.  If I can get this better, I shouldn't continue with the dizziness and falls, and not need the $800/month RX.

Have any of you ever 'thought' you saw your child/love one?  I have had several episodes where I could swear I saw Jason...usually when I am driving.  My heart nearly breaks in two when I realize it is just a wishful hallucination. ( they have medicine for those).  Still no dream.

i read all of the posts here.  My God, so much pain, so much loss, and so much that you cannot make any sense of it.  

I have gotten closer to my siblings.  There are now 5 of us left from 8.  Since Jason died and my oldest brother had his health issues, we are texting each other in a group thru messenger.  This has helped.  We are all jousting getting older and older. 

I need my heart fixed so I can be ready for my spring gardening in Jason's beds. My little garden helper is ready as soon as I can.

 

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Had the weirdest dream,  not sure if it means anything.  I saw a group of 3 or 4 people standing/sitting at a swing set.  They were blurry,  like I needed to put glasses on to see them clearly.  Warm light all around,  and I clearly know one of them was Troy.  Thing is I don't know anyone named Troy.  But it was just so clear to me,  wonder if it means anything to anyone here?

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Mason’s Mom
On 2/19/2019 at 6:07 AM, NiquesMom said:

Had the weirdest dream,  not sure if it means anything.  I saw a group of 3 or 4 people standing/sitting at a swing set.  They were blurry,  like I needed to put glasses on to see them clearly.  Warm light all around,  and I clearly know one of them was Troy.  Thing is I don't know anyone named Troy.  But it was just so clear to me,  wonder if it means anything to anyone here?

Mason had a friend named Troy. Mason had a soft spot for kids that were less fortunate and Troy was one of those kids. I know Mason’s passing has hurt him. 

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My girl is in heaven

Wow, Virginia and Masons mom...the name Troy.  That’s what you call your crumbs and slivers ladies.  These  little tid bits that pop up hold onto them cause that’s all us grieving moms get.  Virginia I think that’s wonderful you are thinking about adopting.  You have so much love to give a child and I think that would be good for Kyle.  Let us know how you make out.  

Margee...you’ve made it thru the first year but yes you will always have triggers. Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go.   R u looking after you..it’s ok to do that you know.  Jason would want his mama to find some peace and happiness again.

 

peggy...are you still out there.  How ar you doing.  Remember last year at this time and you have come a long way....r the people at work treating you any better.  Sorry I e been off for awhile but let me know how you are doing.  

 

Lu.   Kira’s mama

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peggy a sad mom

hi luann yes i'm still here.work has been getting better because i just give it right back to them now. no one knows yet but i am retiring on april 27th so i guess that's why i don't take anything. the job in it self gets harder and harder. but i can hold on another 2 months i hope. i miss all of our regulars on here. hope they are all well. luann thanks for asking about me. talk to you soon hold on everybody

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Good evening to my friends:  yesterday, Jeremy, Natalie, Carson, ad Ryder came by for a quick GRAND-MA-Ma and GRAND PA-pa visit before they went to a Birthday dinner for one of their nieces.  Is there anything on this earth that compares to a grandchild's love, hugs, and conversations?  I don't think there is.  I had this incredible feeling in my heart and soul.  But, my oh my, they are growing up SO fast.

i was perfectly ok until they started to leave.....Jeremy has Jason's truck, and when I saw it in the driveway, I fell apart.  Memories of how proud Jason was when he got the truck...he paid cash for it, and only got to enjoy the truck from Oct to Jan. That he was mindful enough to pull off the highway right before he died- avoiding an accident.  This all had to be a God thing.  He wanted Jason with him.  He needed a 6'4" angel.

Today I stayed in bed all day....deep in reflection, memories, and prayer.So doggone glad I never have another MONDAY at work. It was better than a hot fudge Sunday. Talk  with you all soon.

ps....for all my yankee friends.... it was a beautiful 68 degrees here today.  I really feel for all of you dealing with the nasty, freezing snow and ice.

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Hi everyone. Just hit me when I saw my mom change her profile pic to my daughters pic and my niece who has been mad at me for a while and hasn't talked to me because she says I post things on Facebook about my daughter for sympathy make a post, which she said she would never do, about my daughter's 21st birthday in heaven this Friday. I do work that day but it's the am shift so should be ok. The hardest time is coming shortly after that on the 21st. I have 4 days off so I can do what I want. Not going to lie, I'll probably sleep most that day. Both my son and I probably will. We did that last year. This is the 2nd anniversary of her being gone. Hasn't gotten any easier. I can tell by my moods that it's coming. I don't really need the calendar for that. 

Peace and love to all

Tina

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HELLO  TO ALL  INDIGOS.....

Margee------Thinking of you and the upcoming A-Fib ablation. I pray that

all goes well.  You asked if anyone has had the experience of seeing their

beloved child that left this world too soon.  That has happened to me a number of times

over the years., and...  yes....... once, like you, ....it was also in traffic that I "saw" my son, David.

  It was really  another driver who had a striking resemblance to David.  It is a bittersweet experience, and

can cause such regret and yearning,......I know.  We will see our darlings again, someday. Take care Margee.

 

Tinay----Hoping that you will be able to find peace, somehow,  in the days leading up to your 

dear daughter's 21st birthday, and on that special day. We can never forget the day our dear ones

came into this world, and made us so happy.  Now,.....it is so difficult to mark those days.  Peace to you.

 

 

Wishing   peace   and   comfort   to   each   and   every  one.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

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Sherry,

I just saw that you had posted and wanted to say hi!  It has been a long time, for a while I couldn't get on the site on any of my devices and I finally just gave up.  I hope all are doing well, sadly see that there is always a new mom or dad on here looking for comfort in their loss.  It has been 9 years now for me and hard to believe. From time to time I see a man that looks like Westley and it usually takes my breath away and tears come to my eyes and it seems like I just lost him. Sometimes I pretend it really is him and he just didn't see me. We all have our ways of coping.  Take care,

Rhonda

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MiasMommyForever

I'm missing my girl sooo much lately... for the last 3 or 4 weeks its been bad all over again. She's been gone almost 2 years (end of May) and it feels like yesterday again.. every day it seems. I go to the cemetary every day just to cry in peace and I lay at her site, just wishing I could hold her tiny hand. I think my birthday in January triggered it, or maybe the rainy weather. I didnt really do anything that day, my boys were so excited for me and I just had such a bad day... internally of course. Everyone else thought i was fine. I just wish I had my girl here. I just wanna be next to her. I feel like I'm always crying inside again and I'm not mad like I sometimes am, I'm just sad sad sad. I just wish God would send her to me in the middle of the night. I could make her one of her favorite things to eat (she loved so many things) and we could just watch a movie while she lay on my arm. That was our favorite. I try to bargain with God all the time and tell him if he can just do this for me I wouldn't tell anyone, would be at peace, will never ask for anything else again. I wake up right before 5 am every single day for no reason at all and she's already on my mind. The saddest and loneliest hours of my day. How could someone so little and perfect fight cancer with more strength than any of us and then still lose the battle so graciously? F U cancer, I hate you so.

I miss you so much Mia, my angel. My little warrior. The best times of my life were with you. Prettiest girl in the whole wide world. 

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Mason’s Mom
On 3/3/2019 at 9:03 AM, MiasMommyForever said:

I'm missing my girl sooo much lately... for the last 3 or 4 weeks its been bad all over again. She's been gone almost 2 years (end of May) and it feels like yesterday again.. every day it seems. I go to the cemetary every day just to cry in peace and I lay at her site, just wishing I could hold her tiny hand. I think my birthday in January triggered it, or maybe the rainy weather. I didnt really do anything that day, my boys were so excited for me and I just had such a bad day... internally of course. Everyone else thought i was fine. I just wish I had my girl here. I just wanna be next to her. I feel like I'm always crying inside again and I'm not mad like I sometimes am, I'm just sad sad sad. I just wish God would send her to me in the middle of the night. I could make her one of her favorite things to eat (she loved so many things) and we could just watch a movie while she lay on my arm. That was our favorite. I try to bargain with God all the time and tell him if he can just do this for me I wouldn't tell anyone, would be at peace, will never ask for anything else again. I wake up right before 5 am every single day for no reason at all and she's already on my mind. The saddest and loneliest hours of my day. How could someone so little and perfect fight cancer with more strength than any of us and then still lose the battle so graciously? F U cancer, I hate you so.

I miss you so much Mia, my angel. My little warrior. The best times of my life were with you. Prettiest girl in the whole wide world. 

I understand the need for peace and the sadness. My toughest hour is when I go to bed. My husband always stays up much later than me and it doesn't seem to matter how exhausted I am my thoughts often turn to that day, the phone call, the drive, the ambuLance with no lights and seeing my son's lifeless body. I saw a counselor for a while and try to remember the techniques he taught me and that sometimes helps. The weather and special days certainly play a big part of how we feel.  So many days I would like to skip. I work hard to be a good mom for my girls but I know I fall short now. Many people have told me that their children come to them in their dreams,  I have yet to have Mason visit me but like you I so want to see his BIG smile and be wrapped in a hug. When Mason was a little boy he would say " I want to hold you".  I want to hear those words so much. I hope you find the peace you seek. 

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Hey everyone :  I am sorry I haven’t been here in a while.  I swear this January ‘February and March have been absolutely horrible for me.  I know the one year anniversary was January 23, have been the worst time for me since jason died.  I am crying when I’m not sleeping.  I know some of this is because my heart is acting up.

I am wearing a 24 hr heart monitor and I get calls all the time and then I spend 30 minutes on phone with doc and monitor service as to wether I go911 or not.  Surgery is scheduled for April 9.  Wish me luck.  They will be stopping/restarting my heart multiple times and surgery will last 10-12 hours.  Then flat on my back another 12 hours.  This is what really messed my back up last time.  My sacral discs do not handle that length of no change in position.

And then I feel like a blubbering idiot for worrying about my issues.  

It has to get better.

Xxoo margarett 

 

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peggy a sad mom

hi everyone i was away and got back this morning. i do think of all of you all the time. i was getting into the plane yesterday and all of a sudden i had a flash of finding my son. i saw his face and body just laying on his bed. then i guess a panic attack was starting. i kept yelling in my head think of something else not now it worked but now i keep seeing it over and over.

i also missed my meeting this month cause i was away but i'm ok i guess. as ok as any of us can be

i wish good health on everyone i know how it creeps up.

sad for all of us

peggy

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I just finished watching A STAR IS BORN or rather , cried, watching the movie.  I love almost any type of movie and found this one to be really good.  I never really ‘got’

GaGa before but she is really talented.  Is anyone else having issues since the last Microsoft update?  Hell, it takes me forever to find the simple comma.

Another doctors appt in the morning to run an update on the .....ready.....$6000 monitor they have me on..Some dude will hook me up to a computer and run all kinds of tests.  I am not complaining....I want all of the fancy-dancy equipment tobeinperfect shape and I hope like hell the doctor doesn’t drink the night before surgery. And of course , he looks about 13.

alrighty then, as Matthew McMonahey (sp) would say catch you alll later.

xxoomargarett

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I have not received any posts since January.   Did I do something?

 

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peggy a sad mom

wow by the looks of this page no one has received anything. everyone is gone. i hope people would at least sign on and say hi then come back another day to write. margarett can you see this? it's peggy my son was 44 passed on jan 20th 2018. i don't know what's going on here.

peggy 

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I am here,  off and on,  don't say much because it's all the same.  I fluctuate between happy and sad,  sometimes at the same time.  We find out next week if we are approved to adopt,  not sure it will be in out favor. Told them about nique and that I know I can never fill her spot,  but our house is so quiet and Kyle is lonely.  Will see what they decide.  Maybe we are too damaged for kids that have already gone through so much. 

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Hey Peggy.....maybe it is just everyone is really busy with summer going away and all that happens in August and

September. I miss all of you and I know I haven’t posted nearly like I have wanted to.  But mine has been because I have been in such a funk since Jason died in January last year and this is my first damned anniversary of that.  I saw a therapist back in 1991....I can’t even remember her name.  But she helped me ALOT. I found my old notebook that I used while I was seeing her.  I think I told y’all that I am not motivated to do anything but sleep or cry.....probably for the past month.  One thing she suggested is that rather than “looking at all that I know I need todo ,pick one thing and do only that ...setting a time limit....then when I have done whatever, I can then decide to do another something or not.....but whatever is ok. I am thinking of making a list.  Mike has told to hire my yard guy to do all of my fall stuff.....that took an elephant off my mind.

I have ruined my nose with all the blowing andihave a fever blister up inside my right nostril.  But I have my heart surgery April 9.  Light some candles and start praying.  Been out for 8-10 hours Care’s the piss out of me .

thank you all for letting me vent.  It does help

ooxxmargarett

 

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Mason’s Mom

I am still here too. One day at a time, one step at a time. Not a day goes by without sadness,  I hide it from most because grief makes people uncomfortable. 

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peggy a sad mom

good morning margarett and mason's. some days are better then others but we know that. i do good hiding it too. except on special days then i just keep to myself

peggy

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Mason’s Mom

The last few days have been rough. Nothing in particular just missing my son. I'm Struggling with  sleep and holding it together. 

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Hello to Peggy, .....Virginia.....Margee......and Mason's Mom........

Good to see you all.  Will try to get on here more often,......sometimes have

a bit of trouble with getting on, and  new formats can be confusing.

Leah.....How are you doing?   Miss you,...... but it's my fault since I haven't been

on here lately. :mellow2:   

WISHING   EVERYONE  PEACE  AND  COMFORT.

Davey&Lisasmon, .....sherry

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hey everybody,    Ya”ll would be proud of me.....mike and spent all day yesterday cleaning my nasty-ass bedroom.  Oops.  I am trying to temper my sarcastic comments’ on here, but my sense of humor is pretty dark/raunchy and borders on ‘sick’..... too many years working in healthcare, so I never mean to inflict personal pain.  Just attribute it to me being half nuts.And the other half hasn’t been diagnosed yet.  Anyway, I could hardly move today, so I figure I will try to act like a maid every other day.

We have had beautiful weather here fo the last days, but I haven’t felt well enough to tackle flower bed clean up and everything is springing “Spring”.  Jeremy is going to send a couple of guys to help me (he told me if he had time he would...instead he would pay the guys for me)  He is such a sweetheart. Jason was always my garden boy. I refuse to go to our Botanical gardens because then I just want to do more and more.  I am going to forced to cut back on my gardening endeavors.... no more 75 containers.

my surgery is April 9th.....y’all get to the dollar store and get a zillion candles and start praying.  I am really scared about this one......8-10 hrs on the table. Then flat on back for the next 10 hours.   Pray that this doesn’t mess up my back like last time.

let’s hear from all of you!!

xxoomargarett

 

 

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Hi Marge's,  Sherry, peggy and masons mom.... So,  we have been approved to take the training class for adoption.  It is 9 weeks long and includes a home study.  As long as we pass the home study and complete the class we will be able to start trying to match with a child in June.  There are so many kids that need homes,  but it will need to be the right kiddo.  I don't want to make our house chaotic.  I am hopeful,  but also know that we may not find a child that likes us. 

I miss nique so much. I am just trying to keep going,  but I hate that I may have to do this for another 30 or 40 years.  It's only been 15 months,  and I am so tired of being tired. 

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peggy a sad mom

congrats virginia it's great to hear some good news for a change. i miss everyone in this group. i sign on to see who is here. dee lu where are you guys

peggy

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

Hello everyone,

It has been a while since I have been here.   I see we have several new members to a club no one wants to be a member.  I am very sorry for your loss of  your precious sons and daughters.

The site looks so different.  I  am not seeing a lot of the oldies on the site.  I hope everyone is well. 

Well, March 27th is Wednesday.  It will 3 years without my  Tony.  I read his obituary last week for the 1st time without crying.  I was proud of myself.  I want so bad to be able to remember him in a good way and not just the day he died.  

I have been working out a lot, trying to stay busy.  I went back to work which helped a lot.  I was suppose to run my 1st 5k race two after my Tony died.  He was so excited and was going to bring his whole organization to cheer me on.  Needless to say I just couldn't think about  running for the last couple of years.  Every time I tried, I would just break down.  This year I am registering for 5k race on May 18th.  I am going to run for My Tony.  Unfortunately  his wife and kids are no longer a part of my life  (not my choice), so I won't have them to cheer me on. I know Tony will be there cheering me on though.  He loved his mom.  Our very last words to each 45 minutes be the accident was, I love you son, and he said I love you to, ma.  Then we was gone. 

Last year I started a flower garden in Tony's honor in my yard.  Planting flowers that would bloom all seasons.  It is spring and it is beginning to bloom.  

 My son died when we was 42 yrs & 3 months. December 27, 1973 to March 27, 2016. My life will never be same, but I need to let him soar.   It is a bird living in his reef on the front door, I believe it is him watching over me, trying to make sure I am okay.  It was some very dark, demonic days for me.  I believe his spirit has hung around to make sure I am over the hump.  As a mother I need to let him soar.   "Tony, I am going to be alright".  He knows how much I love his kids, but grief, jealousy and resentment has a way of tearing up the best of families.  

My pastor's son killed himself the other day.  Depression is a beast.  Their journey on his road is just beginning.  He was in his early 30's and a very talented young man.  Please say a extra prayer tonight for them.

Thank you for a space to remember, MY Tony without someone telling me I am competing with them, I am trying to grief harder than them....so crazy right.

May GOD continue to hold your hand as we travel this  journey.  Until the next time..PEACE AND LOVE'

CHERYL, TONY'S MOM

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It's been almost 5 months since we lost our 22 year old daughter.  I actually feel sadder and more anxious as time goes by.  I miss her so much and the injustice that her life was cut short so soon is almost unbearable.  I feel like no one understands what this feels like, though I know that is not true, but I do truly feel so alone.  My husband is very vocal with his grief and I feel bad that I get irritated by it, but I just don't have it in me to be there for him right now.   I wish someone was there for me but no one that I know really understands what it feels like.

 

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Mason’s Mom
3 hours ago, Susan22 said:

It's been almost 5 months since we lost our 22 year old daughter.  I actually feel sadder and more anxious as time goes by.  I miss her so much and the injustice that her life was cut short so soon is almost unbearable.  I feel like no one understands what this feels like, though I know that is not true, but I do truly feel so alone.  My husband is very vocal with his grief and I feel bad that I get irritated by it, but I just don't have it in me to be there for him right now.   I wish someone was there for me but no one that I know really understands what it feels like.

 

I know you feel alone thats why I found this group. I struggle with the why... why did Mason die at age 21...why didn't we know about his heart condition...why, why, why.  Every one does grieve in their own ways,  doesn't make them or you wrong. There are times I want to answer the question we all hear everyday "how are you." With complete honesty and tell them "I am so very sad, I know I will never see or hear my son again and every day I miss him so much" we understand your frustration and pain. Knowing there are other people that understands makes it a little easier as you don't feel so out of touch.  

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Yes I know what you mean.  When people ask how I'm doing I never know if I should be completely honest with them.  Sad is the word that encompasses so much of how I feel.  Sad for her loss, sad for mine, her sisters, what her future could have been, sad about what happened to her, sad because I will never see her face or hear her voice again.  I miss her laugh.  It does help to know there are people out there who know how I feel, but sad that they feel that same terrible dark pain.

 

 

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peggy a sad mom

susan and mason mom you are not alone here we all understand you completely. sad to say but we do. you are right no one else understands no one. i am 14 months i am doing much better i can make it though a day  if i am happy so is everyone else around me. the first 10 months were bad it didn't matter what was going on i couldn't control myself .people will compare their pets and moms and dads IT IS NOT THE SAME but that is the only pain they understand they do not know our pain at all. i wish we didn't have to be here but early on we know there is nothing we can do about it. my son's girlfriend came over last night. first time i saw her it didn't go well the entire time but we got it out of the way. i am so happy for that. please stay here for each other i need you guys you understand and i promise i understand you

peggy

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peggy a sad mom

cheryl yes the site is different and so many people are gone. i hope they come back cause i miss them . during the summer people seem to have more time so keep coming back i know you know everyone. dee lu margaret lot's of people. i'm here write all you want

peggy

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Dear Susan 22, 

i identify in your sharing and while it has been six years now since my 23 years old daughter left, it seems like your five month at times. it is also true, as we travel the journey of sadness and grief, we do also experience  moments of comfort, sweet memories, instances of pride and gratefulness of the gift our daughter has been to us. We also discover new friends, like on this site, where we learn, share, love, encourage, receive and give and make our journey less lonely. 

Our thoughts are with you. 

 

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I just decided to google my daughters name, and found some webpages she was listed on regarding her death that I was unaware of.  Why did I feel the compulsion to search her name?  There is nothing new for me to learn, and all it did was make me cry at work.  Why? Why? Why?  I miss her so much.  How can I think I am OK to adopt?  I am so damaged, we all are, whats wrong with me?  I miss you Nique, I miss your voice, how you would ramble on about your anime movies, or how angry you would get at the political stuff.  How you would rant and be completely unwilling to listen because you were so passionate. I miss the bear hugs I could sometimes get from you. I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of being tired. 

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Mason’s Mom
On 3/25/2019 at 4:17 PM, Susan22 said:

It's been almost 5 months since we lost our 22 year old daughter.  I actually feel sadder and more anxious as time goes by.  I miss her so much and the injustice that her life was cut short so soon is almost unbearable.  I feel like no one understands what this feels like, though I know that is not true, but I do truly feel so alone.  My husband is very vocal with his grief and I feel bad that I get irritated by it, but I just don't have it in me to be there for him right now.   I wish someone was there for me but no one that I know really understands what it feels like.

 

I know you feel alone thats why I found this group. I struggle with the why... why did Mason die at age 21...why didn't we know about his heart condition...why, why, why.  Every one does grieve in their own ways,  doesn't make them or you wrong. There are times I want to answer the question we all hear everyday "how are you." With complete honesty and tell them "I am so very sad, I know I will never see or hear my son again and every day I miss him so much" we understand your frustration and pain. Knowing there are other people that understands makes it a little easier as you don't feel so out of touch.  

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Mason’s Mom

I read everyone's comments and I know we all experience so many of the same emotions. It is so true when people try to compare the losses of pets or other family members to loss of a child . I have lost other family members including my dad and there simply is no comparison.  I miss my dad but there was closure and he got to have a full life.

NiquesMom I find myself looking at social media about Mason and I Googled his name too.  Immediately after Masons death people were speculating about what had caused his death.  Of course everyone assumed it was alcohol or drugs and some may still believe those things.  We know the truth as does God, so that is truly all that matters. You aren't damaged you are a survivor,  we are all survivors. Our hearts are certainly bruised And will never be the same. My mission in life is  be the best Mom, wife, daughter possible and to honor MY SON.I want Mason to be remembered for the many positive things he brought to this life.

 

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peggy a sad mom

margarett april 9th is coming. i wish you the best of luck and i hope to see you on here by the end of that week. 5 months is not a long time at all. it took ten months for me not to cry 24/7. i am 14 months now not sure if i ever went through a day without tears but it does get easier. i promise. i have my meeting tuesday i missed it last month and i'm itching to get there. i miss the other parents when i don't see them . strange i think but true

peggy

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HELLO   TO  ALL  ......

 

Virginia-----I wish you much success in your quest for adoption, and admire

your desire to help another child, even though you will always mourn the loss

of your sweet child, Nique. 

Cheryl----Masonsmom------Yes,....it is so difficult to convey true feelings to

people when they ask how you are doing.  I guess that an honest answer is

that you are sad, and trying to cope.  Maybe there is no real good answer to

convey your deepest grieving feelings, especially to those who don"t 

understand.  Peace to you. 

 

Peace   and   comfort     

 

Davey&Lisasmom,.......sherry

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Hey everybody.    I am certifiably nuts.   I went back and read my post from 3/23/19 and I am talking like summer was already over and folks were really busy getting ready for all the activities that happen at that time of year.   I SWEAR that I was not inebriated on nothing!   But, I was definitely confused! Hey I am probably the only product of the ‘60’s who has never smoked marijuana.  I was always too afraid to because the health care folks do a lot of random screens.

January 23rd was the official one year since Jason died, and I have been in an awful funk these past 3 months. But I am hanging on by a thread.

My 8-12 hour heart ablation for my A-FIB is next Tuesday , April 9th.  I need all the prayers,wishes, voo-doo , bets,,,whatever you all can do for me that day.

Mike was cute the other night....someone asked what vacations we had in the past couple of years.  He immediately said “ oh, we’ve been on 5 in the past 2 years....they are called “ablations for fun”.

Ya’ll might remember last Spring when I planted some PINK pampas grass.... it is HUGE and I am waiting for blooms to send some pictures.  I have not been allowed to do any gardening this spring and I feel like I am being detoxed.  Hopefully a couple of weeks after the surgery, I will be able to do some.

Virginia.....prayers for the adoption.  Waiting is horrible.  I have a niece who adopted a newborn....took her home...then 8 days later, birth mom changed her mind.  She was devastated.  She is a strong Christian and now has a little girl in the 1st grade....my point...DO NOT GIVE UP.

 

 

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Thought I was through for tonight, then started  reading info on the first pages, and it sounds like we might be able to come up with some ‘chat stuff’.

i am miserable and have been so now for over a year. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

the other day, I had dr’s appt....so I showered ‘, shaved the 3 inch hair off the legs,put on a little makeup ,dried and actually styled my hair.... put some real clothes on ( not sweats or jeans), added earings,bracelet and watch...sprayed a little #5 and walked in the family room where he was looking at WW2 bomb sites on google earth.  He STOPPED and said.... you look great... guess one has to be a doctor.

i knew then that I have really short-changed him for the last 13 months. Yes, my heart is broken and messed up,but so is my female brain.Prior to the first heath issue in October ,2016.....I transformed myself EVERDAY .I wouldn’t go the grocery store without being ‘fixed’ up.

i feel as if my self care or self esteem died when Jason did. I don’t have any pride.i don’t care anymore.  There has to be some of my old self in there somewhere if I will make the effort for a dr appt.

And,we won’t even go to housework’cooking, or giving a good damn about anything else I haven’t hit a golf ball in 2 years,   

Hell, I didn’t even put up a Christmas tree.   I didn’t buy or wrap a single gift....just gave cash.  

I feel like a 67 year old dying tree.  Can we help each other?  This not a shout out for help..... it is a scream.

Xxoomargarett

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MiasMommyForever

Susan, 

I know your sadness. May 25th will mark 2 years of my girl being gone.. and I still cry so much. To be honest, bad days go and come more often, but not really.. if that makes any sense. I almost always cry on cold mornings, rainy days, or car rides by myself that last more than 5 mins. Im really good at 5 minute cries in the shower, no one even notices I've been crying anymore. I cry everytime I have to put gas in my car early in the morning because it reminds me of fueling up for chemo. There's also days when I think about it and realize I didnt cry for one or two days in a row,  and I'm shocked. Just know when you're sad, I'm sad with you. My husband wasn't vocal at all in the beginning about his grief or how he felt, but I get a little here and there more so now. Grieve however is best for you. Your life has changed and you're entitled to however you feel even if those feelings change every 5 minutes. We are ALL here for you and any thoughts u want to express. Believe me, we know how you feel if no one else does. 

I read often, think of all of you, and pray for everyone.. for the adoption to go how its meant to go to bring you peace, for the upcoming surgery and for your strength,  for everyone. Sending my love always.

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So we are on vacation this week.  Spending the week in Orlando,  doing the theme parks and all kinds of things with Kyle.  Talk a lot about dominique (we came here with her when she was 11). Took Kyle to Wonderworks today and the cashier name was Dominique, told her how I call my daughter nique and she said her family calls her that.  We went to a magic Comedy show,  and for 40 minutes I laughed.  The show was great,  Kyle was amazed,  my cheeks hurt from laughing. And then? I felt guilty.  Guilty for laughing.  I know I shouldn't but I do.  I keep trying to go forward,  and some days I get a few steps,  and then I slide back. It felt good to laugh,  and then it felt terrible to feel good. Why can my head understand that I didn't do anything wrong,  but my heart feels like I betrayed my daughter?

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