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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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My girl is in heaven

Peggy, Margee, KJs mommy, missing my little man, Donna Marie, piece of Cate,  all you other moms that are facing your first Christmas without your child,  how are you all doing.  I know your hearts are filled with so much sadness right now but unfortunately it is all part of the process, facing the holidays.  Participate as much or as little as you want, what ever feels ok for you to handle, is what is right for you.  Just do a day or even an hour, take deep breathes and know you will get thru this.  I’m available any time day or night if anyone wants to just talk or anything I can do to help you in any way dear friends.   Lu....Kira’s mama

 

Devianez...how are you doing, still waiting for trial..wishing you some peace.  Lu...Kira’s mama

leah....u have a full house with all the kids, you are such a rock to them all.   Wishing you much peace and joy

lu.  

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Virginia, I am sorry that i missed your Angelverssary, but I am thinking of you and I know that Nique was hanging with you at the Santa visit at Macy's. She is not far off. She let you know just before this sad date with her coming to you. Family and friends do not remember the dates that are embedded into our spirits unless we remind them and talk  of the dates frequently...it isn't that folks forget really, it is that they are not affected in the same way, and thank heavens for that, we don't want folks walking about as crushed as we are when we lose our Kiddo's. Peace to you and I am so proud of you for taking the trip you took.

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peggy a sad mom

luann you are so sweet. yes i'm having a rough time. i will be busy the next three days so it should help. everything is fine when i am with my family. my son is not brought up until we are saying our goodnights. it's ok with me cause i know everyone is hurting. i just can't believe he is not here.i don't have to tell anyone how i feel you all know.

thanks peggy

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Thank you everyone,  I really appreciate you all,  I cannot remember anyone's angel dates so you all amaze me.  I am sitting in JFK airport,  waiting to fly back to FL. I have made plans with my husband for  3 more trips this year (2019),  and  1 next year (2020).  I am trying to keep moving forward and that means helping Kyle to have as many experiences as he can. Though I have to work with my Dr for medicine for motion sickness.

Love to all

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Hi everyone. I am new here and so glad to find this forum. I see so many parents here have the pain i have and from where i come, there's no forums like this where people can speak on this topic so much...My son Stefan died three months ago suddenly a day before he was turning eight months. Our vacation turned to hell and should have been the best time we have till then. From healthy baby boy in two days he got sick and died and as doctors said, one case in a million..and he was that one.

I am desperate. My husband as well. We try our best to look normal, but nothing's normal anymore. I miss his smile, his crying, breastfeeding him, just holding him in my arms. We live every day, but without any sense. Every hope of simple, happy , family life is gone now. In the same house, there's a baby boy, only 20 days smaller than him, it's our niece. I see him and wonder why my boy isn't here anymore. I imagine what he would do. I should have been planning his first birthday party now, instead i am crying every day. And all these holidays now, they make even harder. I really don't know how to move on, i cannot imagine living a life without a kid's smile in the house and thinking about having another baby, but in the same moment it seems so hard to go through pregnancy because everything reminds me of my angel baby..

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peggy a sad mom

stefan's mom i am so sorry you had to find us. this is a small group so it's like we all know each other. we all know what you are feeling. you do not have to hold back in front of anyone.it is only 3 months for you and no one can expect you to be ok. my son is gone 11 months. last night was the first time i went out with my family for dinner and i had a great time. i go to bed thinking of him i wake up thinking of him. my first christmas without him it really hurts. there are other people on this site that can help you more then i can they will get back to you i promise. i am thinking of you and your husband please hold on

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Stefans mom: I am so sorry you had to find this group,  but we all understand how you feel.  I hope you can feel just a small bit of peace today,  though I know that's going to be hard.  I am just a year in, my daughter died 12/21/17, I cannot believe it has been a year and here I am still breathing,  seems impossible but still here. We all know the knife that cuts through you when you see other people with babies, so happy, granted we do not know what struggles that they may have but it still hurts that they seem so happy. I suppose when people see my husband and son with me they assume we are so happy and lucky too. Oh dear, I am rambling. I send out love to you and understand what a hard day this is, especially at the beginning. I am hopeful next year doesn't hurt as much.

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Stefan’s mom we are all here for you. I know it’s hard to imagine ... but sometimes just think about putting one foot in front of the other one day at a time. We are always here for you! Skylar has been gone 2.5 years ... our only son. There has not a day that has gone by that I haven’t had heartache . Friends here help!

Love and Support to everyone today

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Thank you all for your support.. i hope we all find streinght and hope for brighter future..although it will never be the same or happy completly after we've lost a part of ourself..

 

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My girl is in heaven

Stefan’s mom. I’m so,very sorry for the loss of your dear boy. This is still so new and raw for you , just to breath right now, not looking to how you will get thru in the future but just try to deal with the  next day, hour, or even only the next minute if that’s all you can handle. Grief is something you have to take head on, right thru the middle of it, whatever it throws at you. Myself and others have tried to side step it, whether alcohol, pills, working yourself to excess, anything to keep running from it.  But you will never out run it.  What I mean by going thru i is just what your doing now...let the tears come when they want, tears are good, they cleanse a little bit of sadness for a time, let the heartache and sorrow wash over you.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is no handbook on what to do when you lose a child.  You will not believe this now, but you will get to a day where grief loosens its grip, ever so slightly, a pin hole of light pokes thru...at first these things are so minute you won’t recognize them, but still they are there and this is all part of your healing process. Life as a grieving parent is a constant in the pit, outta the pit..I’m sure you have already come across triggers, a sign, a song, a site, a smell, something that tugs at your heart.  Triggers are like when your sitting in a boat, some of them you can see coming and you brace yourself for, others wash over you from behind with no warning. Just remember the pit cannot go any lower then losing a child.  The ground cannot shift and plunge you any deeper, cause losing a child is the lowest life can go. When you realize that you will hoist yourself up out of that pit and every time you do, you will be a little stronger than the time before.  We grieving parents never get the whole back again and as such we hang on to every crumb and sliver we can.  Your boy will light up the  path you walk with his own little ways of letting you know he is ok now and you will see him again one day. The further you go along the more open you are to receiving these signs laid out for you.  There s no “over it” or “closure” like the rest of the world thinks, but you will slowly weave your pain into your new life and you will have times that are not filled with only unhappiness.  I wish I could press fast forward for you friend, take you to a day where you will feel the sun on your face again.  I hope you continue to come here.  We are bound together in our sadness and only those who walk this journey can truly understand your struggle. It can be a lonely road at times, but never, ever do you have to walk it alone...your heart and hands will be held here, and ever time you stumble there will be someone there to pick you up.  I lost my 17 year old daughter 7 years ago and when I was in the beggining and even later years I did not think I would ever integrate back into life again or I could live without my child,  so let me be your assurance that you can and will survive this.  My email is luannej@rogers.com, if you ever want to talk there or  even want a call.  I will do anything I can to help you.  I hope you continue to reach out...this a safe and soft place to talk, vent, cry, whatever you need to get out.  Wishing you some peace and calm thru the holidays.  Sincerely yours, Lu.

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

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My girl is in heaven

Peggy, I’m glad you had a nice time with your family, takes those little pockets of joy that pop up once inawhile.   YOu have faced your first Christmas without your precious boy and I know your still holding on by a string as you get to the first angel date.  Ihope your getting a bit of time off work, to reflect, to find a little peace in your sole my friend.  Hugs.  Lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

Kristen...did summer come home for the break?    We seem to feel our loss more deeply at the holidays, but we somehow manage to pull together what we can for our other children.  So have you quit or retired Pilates.  I got fired from my job of 29 years.  There is no way we have the same level of concentration or focus. I’m only an hour away if Summer ever needs anything.  My son lives there too, very nice city.  I can’t help but wonder who’s winning the basketball games up there.  Kira could throw that ball over her head all the way down the court, she was so strong.     And I know she won’t settle for letting no boy beat her,.....I bet they’re having a riot....well we made it thru another Christmas without our babies, but I know they are never far away.    Peace... lu

Luanne....Kira’s mama

Leah....did you have all the kids yesterday, you are such a rock for them.  Your sweet Jaboa is proud of her granny, don’t forget that.

Lu.....Kira’s mama

Margee..Donna Marie, how did you survive Christmas..

Virginia.  I hope you were able to take in some of Kyles joy of the season. You have navigated thru the last week, please take some time to rest your weary self and replenish the well.  Hugs.  Lu

 

Lu.....Kira’s mama

 

 

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Stefansmom------I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet baby boy, Stefan, only 3

months ago.  That is so very recent. It is so understandable that your sorrow & 

devastation is overwhelming.  Myself, and others who are on this site have also lost

precious  babies.  My baby, Lisa, died long ago at the age of 6 mo.  Like your sweet

Stefan,  she was fine one day and gone the next.  You have come to a site where

parents, here, understand so well how devastating the loss is.  I hope that you

will return to this site, and share......if and when you want....your feelings.  There are

no "rules" regarding this site, as to how often or when you wish to post.  When a parent

comes to this site, they are part of the group that knows the loss of a beloved child.

Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry  

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REMEMBERING  NIQUE.........ANGEL  IN  HEAVEN.

Virginia------I have not been on here lately, but wish to remember

sweet NIQUE.   May you find some peace & comfort.

 

Dee-----I guess a parent just somehow has a 'sense' that our child was spared

some unknown event that they would not have been able to handle well.  Some

may say that this is looking for a problem, but when someone has a 'feeling' of 

this kind, it sticks with them in ways.  Feelings are honest emotions......not as

susceptible to the distortions of words or actions.  Peace to you.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry 

 

 

sherry

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veronica a bunch of the oldest members left this site because it had changes we were not happy with. Who cares if a post is liked or not or given an emoji. This is a serious grieving site not frivolous or a popularity contest. I remember you joining and the love you have for your precious girl Nique. your efforts to keep going and show enjoyment and participation in life for her little brother is inspiring. Sometimes people do not mention a spirit child in case it upsets the parents but DO DO mention your child. Their name tastes bittersweet on the tongue the heart wrenches when it sees a photo or hears a song or hears their name. Our child was here they did exist and it is more hurtful to ignore than to say words of remembrance. One of my adult kids moved a photo of Tommy behind a curtain when they were here. That really made my heart ache with sadness I did not move it back or acknowledge it had been moved, but I know it was because they did not want a reminder of the brother they lost when they were trying to have a good time at the festive season. My daughters posed for nice xmas pictures for their stepmom and dad but only silly ones for me. I have asked for decent poses that I can print and put in frames but they never comply. yet because stepmom has a decent camera and insists on photos they do it. It is hard if you see decent photos of your child on social media and know you cannot print them off or crop out the stepsister  (she is a sweet kid 13yr but she is not my family)  and have those nice pics.Yeah death kinda does that it brings down the mood. We each mourn in our own way. That holiday is over now and we can breathe and regather strength for the next. Remember Xmas and Thanksgiving are stressful on their own let alone when dealing with a personal loss. so well done you all!

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

HAPPY 45TH BIRTHDAY ANTONIO DONTE STEWART. I love you, miss you and I always will....Your family.

You are an old man..lol

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Mason’s Mom
11 hours ago, Tommy's mum said:

veronica a bunch of the oldest members left this site because it had changes we were not happy with. Who cares if a post is liked or not or given an emoji. This is a serious grieving site not frivolous or a popularity contest. I remember you joining and the love you have for your precious girl Nique. your efforts to keep going and show enjoyment and participation in life for her little brother is inspiring. Sometimes people do not mention a spirit child in case it upsets the parents but DO DO mention your child. Their name tastes bittersweet on the tongue the heart wrenches when it sees a photo or hears a song or hears their name. Our child was here they did exist and it is more hurtful to ignore than to say words of remembrance. One of my adult kids moved a photo of Tommy behind a curtain when they were here. That really made my heart ache with sadness I did not move it back or acknowledge it had been moved, but I know it was because they did not want a reminder of the brother they lost when they were trying to have a good time at the festive season. My daughters posed for nice xmas pictures for their stepmom and dad but only silly ones for me. I have asked for decent poses that I can print and put in frames but they never comply. yet because stepmom has a decent camera and insists on photos they do it. It is hard if you see decent photos of your child on social media and know you cannot print them off or crop out the stepsister  (she is a sweet kid 13yr but she is not my family)  and have those nice pics.Yeah death kinda does that it brings down the mood. We each mourn in our own way. That holiday is over now and we can breathe and regather strength for the next. Remember Xmas and Thanksgiving are stressful on their own let alone when dealing with a personal loss. so well done you all!

I agree I will always tell every one I have 3 children,  because even though Mason isn't here on earth with me he is and will always be my son. I want for him to be remembered,  that is something that hurts so bad to think he will be forgotten. 

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masonsmom your special boy will always be held in the hearts and minds of those who loved him. As others move forwards and mention our child less and less just know that Mason only cares about his precious family and knows you will never forget him. I always say I have four children and name them then ask the questions back to distract. Most people do not realise I have only spoken about 3 of my kids not 4 and if they do I just tell them he was killed and let that be the end of the conversation. You only tell what you feel like sharing and with who and depending how strong you feel that day. The grief journey is a long and hard one and it is by coming here and sharing that we slowly make progress. here we are not alone.

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Hi Cheryl, good to see you back here, not here often myself, but a few of us oldies check in on those that are new at this thing called grief.

Hey Mason's mom, I almost always say, I have two Kids, one who was killed in 2003 and her big brother. If I feel like telling more, I do. I will say taht you have to bring up your Son if you want others to know you want to hear his name, you have to initiate even if folks are uncomfortable, because then, the stories keep being told and folks remember to let you know that they are thinking of your boy...some folks just feel that if they say anything about our Child who died, that it will make us ache more...WRONG! It makes us joyous because their names are the music of our spirits. It is okay to tell folks that you need them to tell you a story about Mason, again, if you initiate it, it will become easier for others to join in.

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Mason’s Mom

I talked with a friend recently who lost a nephew and he told me that his brother and sister in law don't talk about their son. The rest of the family is very uncomfortable. The youngman's grandma has to ask permission to speak his name. My friend told me he was so glad to see my Facebook post leading up to Masons birthday.  For the 10 days leading up to his birthday I posted a story or pictures to celebrate him. I don't want to become someone that posts sad poems and dark thoughts on social media. I feel a need to talk about him all the time. Erica's mom you said exactly how I feel I want to hear from others and I want them to continue to talk to me.  

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Hey everyone:  " I have been in survival /don't blow up".  Mode all week . I am also researching 'therapists' and hope to get an appt with someone, soon.  Problem:  since I worked in the mental health arena for over 10years, I know most of them. I don't want my story to become subject feeder for coffee breaks. 

I am so thankful and saddened by our new folks.  But, this is somewhere that will not provide anything but understanding, coping skills that can work, and no prejudice.  I always get so much more than I can give.  I am facing my one year in January.   Does anyone have a hut on an island in th Caribbean?

My dark humor is only meant to relieve..... no pain.

ooxx margarett 

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Missing my little man

Hi everyone it's been awhile since the last time i was here. The holiday season was not fun. This is the year my little man would have turn two, and he would have been so excited to receive presents.

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peggy a sad mom

hi everyone i'm reading lu and dee thank god we have you two. you just both make so much sense. we all need to make sense out of all this. it's just crazy.

peace everyone just peace for all of us

peggy

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glad that holiday is past us all it is painful for both newbies and older members but guess what you guys you made it through that is a huge acheivement.

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peggy a sad mom

guess we all made it. lesley i was reading this page cause i missed some posts and you are a sweet heart  i also feel bad people left i hope they come back. i'm happy for everyone to have each other

peggy

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so we all made it and tonight is just another night. 2019 will start tomorrow and I wish for you all to be healthy and be able to make some small peace and progress in this next year. It is ok if you are struggling we all are in our own ways but by being honest and taking action we can all survive this. I had a really rocky time on Xmas eve with a lot of stuff coming together and I had a big blip. My mental health out of hours team was on holiday and the Samaritans were busy (yes there is a lot of misery at the holidays) so I called 111 and the woman Demi saved me. She listened and encouraged and talked me down from major anxiety. I just wanted to run away and be invisible but couldn't. She gave her time and empathy to me and gave good advice and thanks to her and my emergency valium! I was able to do xmas in the way my family expect. people like her who volunteer their time to help others are truly life savers and we should all have someone we can call on when we are losing control a bit and need support. It is nothing to be ashamed of needing some extra help none of us can go it alone. i am here for you all.

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Good evening to everyone:  I was sitting here, in my bed, and thinking of all my previous "NEW YEAR EVE'S" and where, who, what I have done in the past.  It is also my grandson's birthday (we tease his Dad about REALLY wanting a tax deduction that year ).

One thing I am becoming aware of....I can't seem to be able to come up with any type of daily routine.  Some of this has to be related to my work retirement and Jason dying in the same year. Some days I want to do something and other days....."just leave me alone."  But I can never predict how I am going to feel when I get up in the morning.  Thank God for my husband.  He says it doesn't matter....that neither of us have to have a schedule anymore....I think I am afraid I will be useless.  So I hope I find a therapist soon.

My life is so totally different now.  Retirement is weird.  But, God must know what he's doing...I would have never been able to function in my work environment.  

Thinking of you all....xxoo margarett 

 

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margarett lots of people find retirement strange because normally there is a work routine that has been your life forever and now there is no routine. I still do not work because of my mental health and this blasted broken ankle of 2and a half years. I also never know how I will feel each day it is varied and the unpredictability can be scary. I can be doing great and out of nowhere Boom! I get a reminder and for a while I am broken, so you are not alone. Your health is an important factor in maintaining the strength needed to deal with grief. i believe once you have a good therapist you may have a little more peace or perspective. Healing is a painful process but worth the effort. Think of your heart and soul being shredded that is why there is so much inner pain with grief it literally rips you apart and scabs can be pulled off causing temporary pain but healing can occur with the right tools. These are patience, honesty, self enlightenment and coping skills and take time to learn. You are a strong woman I see better things ahead for you.

sherry your wise words are very true thanks for sharing and encouraging the newbies.

stefansmom I hope you are doing ok. The sudden loss of a child is so awful but you have the added complication of hormonal activity and your body still lactating. You honestly have to put one foot in front of another and head forwards. You may think that is a cliche and so is time heals but in time you will be able to look back at earlier posts and see the progress you have made. I love that name Stefan my sister's eldest has the same name. It is quite unusual.

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Masonsmom------I agree that a grieving parent wants their child to be

remembered.  That is why we talk about them and honor their memory.

Your Mason will always be a part of your family,  loved and remembered.

 

Lesley------Yes,....the grief road is a rough one to navigate.  While it is

not always the same from day-to-day....it is changeable.....but it is

always a painful one to travel.  That is why the saying "one day....one step

...at a time is so true. Glad that all of us made it through the holidays....they

are particularly difficult, no matter where one is at on this lousy road....Peace

to you.

 

Dee-----about answering the question people may pose to a grieving parent

about how many children they have.  I just do as you.....I talk about the living

ones, but also usually mention the deceased ones, briefly.  I guess most

people who are doing the asking would not pursue the question further, and

that is ok.,   but I feel that I have not left the angels out.  Everyone must handle

this in their own way, and how they feel comfortable in talking.     

 

WISHING  EVERYONE  A  BETTER  NEW  YEAR......PEACE  TO   ALL.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

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Here we all are in 2019. Some have a hard time moving to a new year without the physical presence of their Beloved Child, but remember, they are right alongside you, cheering you on, urging you to live your best life in the light that they are shining for you. Live strong where they no longer can...let that guide you if you can. No bigger cheerleaders than our Children.

Peace

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Hi everyone, 

I hate that I'm not more active on this forum, but I just can't yet. I read your posts all the time, but I can never think of anything to say that I think will be worthwhile. I pray that one day, I'm in a better place to interact. 

We had another hearing in the murder of my daughter. The murderer's family did not show up this time (thank goodness), but he was there. The anger I felt is indescribable. He was smiling and shrugging his shoulders throughout the hearing. When it was time for them to take him from the courtroom, he quickly looked away when he realized who we were. He's a coward. I just wanted to hurt him. How can you smile and laugh when you have taken a life? How? 

We have another hearing on February 19th. Her birthday is February 15th. I plan to scatter her ashes on that day. Each time I make plans to do it, I end up not doing it because I just feel like if I do, she'll really be gone. Yet, I can't keep her ashes in an urn forever. She wanted to be free in life, so I need to do this. 

I'm struggling pretty bad right now. I really didn't expect the holidays to be so bad since she was never really around in the last six years, but my God. They were horrible. I'm barely hanging onto my sanity and I have to sit through a trial. Right now, jury selection is scheduled for the first of April, but the DA said it would likely be May or June. Maybe by then I'll be ready. I don't know. The detective told me that they have recordings of him laughing and bragging about what he did. They even have a jailhouse informant they interviewed who is going to testify about how he bragged to him about it. HOW DO YOU BRAG ABOUT MURDERING SOMEONE????

I have to sit there through all of this and I can barely handle the discussions about it. I spend so much time just wishing time would roll back. That someone would stand up for her. That she had come home or called me. This can't be real. It just can't be. 

I'm so angry. If I hear one more person tell me about the need for forgiveness, I am going to scream. I will never forgive him for what he did to her. Never. There was no reason to do this to her. None. He could've walked away. He shot her the first time in the side. She was on the ground. He could have walked away. Instead, he walked back and shot her in the head. Why? Why? Why do this to her? What did he gain from it? 

I'm sorry to unload. I'm just so frustrated and angry and sad and it seems like everyone has moved on. I'm just lost right now. 

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

Mymy31i.,  

Don't ever feel bad about unloading to us!!!!  We all have been and are where you are.  It is ok to be ANGRY!!!!!!  We are all here for you.  This site has help many of us thru the very dark times. Having people to relate to that really knows our pain.

Well meaning people are so cruel with their little comments of "encouragement".  I finally realized people to do not now what to say.  I hate hearing GOD wanted a beautiful flower, so he saw yours and picked it.  UGH, just shut up and leave me alone I want to say.  

I will not say it will get easier because it has been 2 years 9 months and 14 days and I feel the same way I felt day one.  Sometime the anger is all you have to hold on too.  It must be a terrible feeling to know someone TOOK your daughter life and you have deal the police, courts  a jury selection, trail and even look at his awful face and remain sane.  I am so sorry this happen to your child.  You just keep on venting here and their is no judgement from us.  

It doesn't matter that it had been 6 year or 20 years since you spent the holidays with YOUR child. The holidays are unkind, but then so is everyday our precious children aren't here with us.  

I will remember you in my prayers,

Tony's mom...Cheryl

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Hello everyone. I see a couple familiar names and others that I dont recognize. I dont expect my name to be remembered but its ok. I joined back in may when my 4yr old daughter "Nezzy" passed away suddenly. She was sick with flu like symptoms that lasted less than 36hrs before she passed. I was left with more questions than answers to her passing. Since then I learned she passed due to a viral heart disease known as 'myocarditis'.  The time that I have been away from this forum have been filled with highs and lows. I have been most active on 'TCF loss of a child' group on FB. While also attending meetings with other grieving parents. I have been doing my best to make Nezzy proud of me by being the best mom I can be to her older brother Ethan (7yrs) and baby sister Haley (1yr). We dealt with most of the "first" already (bday, holidays) for me, New years Eve was the hardest. Something about entering a new year without my daughter made me sad. The count down was not fun. While everyone rung in the new year in smiles, I hugged my husband and we cried together. Her angelverssary is coming up in May and that will be a struggle in itself. Just wanted to revisit. Hope to stay in the forum again.  

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Hi bea, I remember you joining. I am glad to see you made it through the holidays, it was technically my second but since my daughter died right before Christmas 2017 it was such a blur I feel like this was my first. How is your husband handling things? I know men grieve differently. How did your son do? My son was pretty good, he is 5 now, he was 4 when nique died. I made him a collage of photos of him and his sister together, he said "oh mommy, thank you!"

It was hard trying to be excited for christmas but I think I did ok. I just keep trying to move forward and give him the same sort of life I have nique.

I read here all the time but don t post often. I hope that we are all able to find a bit of peace, whether here or elsewhere. I am sending you big hugs. 

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Thank you, like you said I just try to keep moving forward and give my surviving children the same sort of life. We missed her during Christmas but we still put up our tree. Decorated it all pink in honor of her. Still pit up her stocking and filled it and still left cookies for santa. I did everything as if she was still here cause deep down I know she is.

My son Ethan just turned 7yrs yesterday. Spending a birthday without his sister by his side was sad. He misses her but we do our best to explain what happened. Hes still a bit confused. We drove by the funeral home and he asked "Is Nezzy in there?" or when we go to church I have said 'shes with God now' and he thinks she's at church so he ask where at church she is. Its been tough getting him to understand I feel like I contradict myself. He has asked where her body is and we had her cremated so I don't think hes ready to know what happens when your cremated. So its a journey we still need to navigate. My baby girl does know of Nezzy though. We ask her 'wheres your sister?' And everytime she looks at her picture and urn and points at her direction. So its nice to know she remembers her. 

The gift you got your son is beautiful. I love yhe idea of a collage. I should do that for my son too. Theyhave so many puctures together Since they were so close in age. 

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Looking at the collage of my kids on kyles wall last night. He looks at me and says "I know you miss her. "  I said "yes,  but I will see her again in heaven". He says "when you die?" I said yes.  And then he hugs me so hard and says "I don't want you in heaven. " 

Reminded me why I am still here,  he needs me.  I hugged him and said I will be here as long as I possibly can. 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other everyone,  someone out there needs you here too. 

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Well... my daughter has gone back all the way across the country to university.... and I’m childless once again. I miss Skylar so so much... I can’t articulate how much I miss him. It’s a tug of war of sorts... I know my daughter me... but the devastation of losing my son is almost too much. I asked my mother how long it took her before she started feeling somewhat better after losing my brother at the same age... she said about 5 years ... that made me feel a bit better knowing that I wasn’t going crazy. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy .... 

A girlfriend and I are doing the last third of the Camino trail this fall .... hopefully the pilgrimage will bring some solace to my emotions. Funny you leave a rock behind.. I wasn’t sure where to get one.. my husband said look in Skylars bookcase... he has a small rock sitting there. It was as if he knew I would be doing this journey.

 

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Hi everyone..i read all your posts but i just can't be part of the conversation..It is too much for me now..I am Orthodox Christian and   Christmas was later here at my place. First New Year then Christmas, my birthday was two days ago, his name ( St.Stefan-we are celebrating here ) was yesterday..next week is his birthday. I fell like i am falling apart. I cannot understand still, how could this possibly happen, how he could die so fast, all of a sudden. He was precious, so smart for his age..Why God take him from me. I cannot see my husband kisses his pictures every time he left the room...it so heartbreaking..so hard to stand up every morning knowing that he is not going to wake up..

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Mason’s Mom

Stephan`s Mom, i completely understand wondering how can he be gone. All the holidays and birthdaysare so very hard, as are most days and nights. My husband kisses our sons picture as he leaves his office every day. It is hard to sleep and hard to wake-up to the same pain.  I know there are times when I just wish I could sleep for days but I  have 2 daughters and a husband that I love and part of me wants to spend every waking hour with them. My youngest is graduating high school in the spring and I don't want her to leave for college.  I want the best for her but just thinking about her leaving home hurts deeply.  You are not alone in feeling as if you are falling apart. 

NiquesMom thanks for sharing the conversation with Kyle.  It says so much about who you are as a person and a Mom.

 

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Good evening friends:    Boy, we are all struggling to stay half-sane and keep between the lines.  I have been in bed, nearly all week....A-FIB with heartrates over 160 ar times.  So dizzy I can barely walk.  In conversation with my cardiologist, looks like I will be having a third ablation soon.  I am not looking forward to it, but I just can't find an RX. that doesn't get me with side effects and still not effectively handling my heart rate.  The surgery will be 8-10 hours, then flat on my back for 8-10 hours.   This is what messes my back up so bad.   

I also know that I am in hysterics which are bottled up..... reading all of Jason 's text messages from last December and January before he died.  My youngest son, Jeremy, is doing the same thing.  It is as if I can't NOT do it. 

Again .... I'm looking for a hut in the Caribbean to recover from the heart surgery.

to all of you... thank you for always being here.

xxoo margarett 

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I am new to this forum, having lost my son in July of last year. It's been a little over six months now, and while some of the shock is beginning to wear off, I find myself feeling the weight of this loss even more strongly now that I am sort of coming back to reality. I am beginning to realize that the grieving is never really going to end, and that I will just have to learn to carry it with me and get used to it over time. I have enjoyed reading your stories, though I'm sorry any of us have such stories to tell. My son ended his own life at the age of 36 after struggling with severe Parkinsonian symptoms (dystonia) that did not improve with treatment. It was not a surprise to us in the sense that he had been talking about euthanasia and feeling like that should be legal in cases like his where the suffering is intense and constant and treatment-resistant. Having said that, we still couldn't believe he was gone, and we miss him terribly. He was a wonderful person with so much to offer the world. He was 3/4 of the way through medical school when he died. He had taken a hiatus to try to get his condition to improve, and when he realized that wasn't going to happen, he decided he'd had enough and wouldn't be able to fulfill his dreams of becoming a doctor. I think that was the final straw for him. He was in unrelenting pain, living with us because he was no longer well enough to care for himself. It was a tragic situation. It is some comfort to know he is free of the suffering now, but I miss him more than I can say. Our entire family is heartbroken, but we are doing our best to go forward until we see him again. It feels like a long time away.

I did want to tell MargeeTX that my stepfather had three ablations, and the third one did the trick for him. He was able to go off all of his meds and had just a few months of flutter that abated over time and no further episodes of a-fib. I hope you have similar results!

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mymy I am so so sorry that you are being put through the hearings and eventually a trial and I really hope the man responsible is jailed for a long time because he deserves it. I too cannot understand how callous and evil some humans are it is beyond comprehension. He is putting on a front of not being guilty by being lighthearted but it will not fool a jury when there is evidence against him. It must be so painful for you and it also delays the grief process because all your energy goes toward keeping your sanity and surviving day by day. Ignore people who tell you to forgive it is up to you whether you feel he is worth it or not and you will never be judged here if you do not. Sometimes it takes years to forgive and sometimes never and either choice is ok. He has wrecked your lives and taken your precious daughter's future deliberately that is beyond a criminal act. Just concentrate on keeping up your strength for the hearings and be advised by your lawyer as to how to act. Must be so hard not to want to kill him yourself but justice will come, be patient. As for your girl's ashes there is no decision that has to be made until you feel ready. She is already flying free her ashes are the remnants of her earthly shell that is all just like a cocoon when a butterfly breaks free. You will know what is right and when. Some people keep the ashes forever some scatter some bury some put them in a piece of jewellry it does not matter do what YOU want.

hello again to bea virginia margee cheryl masonsmom and somersky I just cannot keep anyone's names in my head. You all made it through the holidays and it is another year beginning. truthfully you will grieve for your lifetime but slowly you will all settle and find some healing. It is not right or fair that your child was taken from you but you will survive this tragedy ultimately even when there are times you feel you cannot go on anymore somehow you will find the strength to get up and keep going. Sharing your stories feelings and experiences are part of the healing process and being able to share is in itself a big hurdle to overcome. There are many who quietly log in and read but are not ready to post, or they will need to take a break from the site in order to regroup and self care it is ok.

stefansmom and toddsmom I am sorry for your losses. No matter how a child is taken, whether by accident or by their own decision or someone else's hand they are all equally painful and agonising losses that affect the whole family. Know that everyone here has been through the same process. We have all struggled and are all in the process of learning how to adapt to the gap in our family the loss of a future as well as a life. It is no simple thing and we each hit bumps in the road as we are all learning. The most important thing to realise is that it is not forever. Your child is still with you just in a spirit form now and one day you will be reunited no matter what your belief system is. Just know they walk beside you every day and so talk to them, ask for help and guidance and they will help you. Signs are subtle things that happen, a feather floating from the sky, a passage in a book or magazine, lyrics in a song on the radio, a penny on the ground, a butterfly or bird that comes close to you, a feeling of warmth or their familiar scent. These all go to show you are not abandoned, love is the strongest power there is and the love a parent has for their child is the strongest bond there is or ever will be.

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It’s such a tough road to navigate... there is no right way or wrong way. I think the key thing is to not beat yourself up....

There is always pressure on us... but when we lose a child ...’we need to be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to succumb to the grief of our loved one. There is no “right”’way to grieve and we all have our own timetables

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somersky you are absolutely right each person deals with grief differently and as long as progress is made that is fine. I see how my 3 adult children deal differently with the loss of their brother and how the loss of a sibling is as powerful as that of a parent because it alters the birth order and their past, and reaching the age at which their sibling died and then beyond is sad for them.

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peggy a sad mom

hi everyone i don't come on everyday but at least once twice a week. i feel for everyone and we all know the pain. next sunday the 20th will be a year for us. i made reservations to go away for a couple of days just to be alone. i don't have any other children he was my only one. my husband is not his father and has no clue about the kind of love a parent feels for their child let alone losing that child. while he tries to help console me i know deep down he doesn't know how i feel. i was starting to calm down in the last two months but just leading up to next week is just so bad. i hope my second year is not worse because i feel it just can't happen. i understand the last year went by so fast i guess i was in a cloud but i know it was really bad. well i'm praying for you on a daily basis everyone this should not happen to any parent. love to you all

peggy

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Peggy it is a good idea to go away... hopefully somewhere warm and sunny.  Skylars day of passing was also his birthday so last year we made a point of going away and I think it helped a bit but it was more of the dread of the approaching day. Always know we are here for you.

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Mason’s Mom
7 hours ago, peggy a sad mom said:

hi everyone i don't come on everyday but at least once twice a week. i feel for everyone and we all know the pain. next sunday the 20th will be a year for us. i made reservations to go away for a couple of days just to be alone. i don't have any other children he was my only one. my husband is not his father and has no clue about the kind of love a parent feels for their child let alone losing that child. while he tries to help console me i know deep down he doesn't know how i feel. i was starting to calm down in the last two months but just leading up to next week is just so bad. i hope my second year is not worse because i feel it just can't happen. i understand the last year went by so fast i guess i was in a cloud but i know it was really bad. well i'm praying for you on a daily basis everyone this should not happen to any parent. love to you all

peggy

Peggy, I am so sorry to hear you feel alone in you grief. My husband is my son's dad however we each deall with grief in our own way. It is good your husband tries.

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peggy soon that first awful year will be behind you just look at how far you have come. I am so sorry he was your only child and you are feeling alone with the anniversary coming up. We are all here for you and yes the worry before the date is hard that is natural. Going away sounds like a good idea being somewhere different will help. Remember he is not gone he is still with you always by your side just not visible. I had a little sign from my boy yesterday evening. I was in my yard in the dark looking at the stars and thinking of how far away my Tommy feels sometimes when I got a very firm single flick on my ear from behind. I turned around and noone was visible of course. That is one of the annoying habits Tommy had  when he was here he liked to mess about. I know it was him. Signs are infrequent and varied and I hope you will get a sign from your son to keep you going.

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I had a good long cry yesterday.  All the frustration from stupid things this weekend just reached a boiling point, and I wailed into my blankets.  Then coming into work, I remembered that today my co-workers son would have been 33 years old, only he passed away when he was 18 months old.  Talking to her and seeing how she still struggles, after 30 some years, made me so sad all over again.  I hate that I am going to miss my daughter for so long.  I hate that I will miss her everyday, and that people think I should be OK since its been over a year now.  I hate the one foot here and one foot there feeling, wanting to be here with my son and there with my daughter.  Basically I am just tired, and the thought of how long this goes on for, makes me even more tired.

Blah :(

Maybe I need chocolate

Hugs, 

 

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peggy a sad mom

thank you everyone i am sure i will make it passed sunday. if i made it a year that first horrible horrible year i can make it to the second i think! some days of coarse are worse then others. somedays i know we just want to be with them no matter what it takes and other days we know we have to wait. i'm trying to wait. i seem to be thinking about his girlfriend and his close friend at the time. i'm feeling like instead of losing it i want answers. i feel i can sit and talk to them. anytime before i just cried and cried and had to hang up. i saw him on friday morning before i left for work. i came home he was sleeping since he was working 3 jobs. then on sat when i came home i could not believe he was still sleeping so i went in there and found him. his friend was last to see him and his girl was last phone call. i do want to know what he was doing those last two days. and i was right here which is the hardest part. right here!!!

have a good night

peggy

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