Loss of an Adult Child

[Mymy31i]

I wish I could say the right things to comfort everyone who is struggling through this holiday. 

My daughter had basically pushed our family away in the last six years (since she graduated from high school) and was never around for the holidays. It has made this time of year easier, I guess. In that time, I think the longest she hung around was a few months when she was pregnant with my granddaughter. Every day is a challenge, but I don't think the holidays are much more so. It sounds horrible, but I don't know how else to describe it. 

We have a hearing coming up on the 17th for her murderer. I thought he would be at the last one, but the sheriff's office made the decision not to bring him to the court. However, there is a real possibility that he will be at this one. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in the same space as the being that did this horrible thing to her. Not to mention, his hateful family will be there. I'm sick just thinking about it. I still don't understand why he didn't walk away from her and we will likely never get an answer. He undoubtedly will not take the stand and I have already been told by the DA's office that I cannot ask him any questions while reading my impact statement. One of his family members gave him the gun knowing what he was going to do and the idea that I will be in close proximity to that person who decided that my child's life was not worth living just eats me up inside. The way they carried on at the last hearing, I can only imagine what is going to happen at this one. 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Mymy31.. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter and especially in such tragic circumstances...it always seems like the perpetrator has more rights than the victims side. Hold your head high, you are showing up for your girl.  You are obviously taking the high road and those scum bags are being seen for what they are. Read what you feel in your heart, let the words and tears come out, it is good to cleanse your self of the build up sometimes.  I wish I could be there to hold your hand, but I hope you feel the presence of your new friends here, all standing shoulder to shoulder with you.  Is the 17th the last court date?  And yes, the holidays will hit hard, but please know that those of us further along this journey never thought we would survive....but you can and you will.  Always remember, you don’t have to go thru any of these things alone.  Just take each day, one at a time, don’t look too far ahead.  Keep coming here and lean on us.  We are holding your hands and heart dear friend, and we always will.  Hugs. Lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[ericasmom]

Dear MyMy31, it is so sad that someone would take your Girl's life and that her family supports the hatred that took her. I am sorry and I hope that while you read your impact statement you feel the presence of your Girl right there on your shoulder helping you stand strong. It is not odd for you to say what you said about the holidays...if your Girl was not around for the previous 6 holidays, it definitely take son a whole other sense.

[Ashleys Mom]

I’m so sorry about your baby girl I truly understand that’s a evil person to do such a horrific thing to your daughter I would be so furious, my Ashley’s accident was a bad car wreck with her fathers co worker but I was so angry at first about a lot of things.Ashley was coming from a party trying to make it home to take my granddaughter to the lake for Memorial Day n she was 15 mins away from home n all I remember was the loud knock at the door and it was 3 officers, questioning me about my daughter n then said she was in a accident and was killed,I just screamed n hollered n began shaking and haven’t stopped shaking yet.


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[rlolheiser]

mymy31i, my thoughts are with you through this terrible time.  I can't imagine what you feel, even with a distance created between you and your daughter there is the tie that binds them with us forever, a love that never goes away.  I wish you strength as you go through this system, and pray for justice for your family and angel...  Holidays are not always the same for everybody..  it is the heart that goes on and we put it together again the best we can

[Tommy's mum]

peggy it is really hard to keep in the feelings all the time. That man shouted at you unfairly and you lost it right back so oh well. I think I would have done that also. People need to be educated about the devastating effects of grief and that you then become a vulnerable person who is struggling to work and cope. Let us know if there is any outcome on him and if he gets disciplined.

mymy31 I cannot imagine how you are feeling at the thought of attending a hearing about your girl let alone having to face him and his family how awful. Still you are being offered a chance to speak about the impact and hopefully he will get jailed so there will be some justice for your daughter. Some families never get that justice sadly. Write from you heart hold your head up and say what you want there is no right or wrong and then let it go. Afterwards do not wish you had done it differently remember you do what you can with what you have got at that particular time. Your precious girl will be by your side so proud that her mum is speaking on her behalf.

leah good o see you. Sometimes we walk away for a while to focus on life and deal with the things in our lives like work family etc but it is always good to hear from members who come back and update us. Sometimes it is good news sometimes it is because you need a bit of support and understanding that is missing from those around you. We all have been there and experienced all the different emotions and levels of grief so we absolutely get it and dont judge. It is such a powerful resource having other parents answer and reassure and to have a forum where you can be truly honest and open no matter how you are feeling.

lou you are doing a great job helping all the members you seem to have found your niche here as counsellor and friend well done you!

This year I am dealing with Christmas as a project something that needs to be crossed off a list. Decorations up check. cards sent check. gifts bought check. I have put up the tree and got the lights on but not felt strong enough to put on the decorations yet. That is a huge trigger for me with ones my kid made when they were younger or gave me. However I will play some music and remininsce over each one like revisiting an old friend and allow my tears to fall freely with the privacy i need to get it done. I bought Tommy's ornament for this year, just a simple bauble with his name on it and a gingerbread man. We always used to make and decorate gingerbread houses when they were little and one of their favourite ornaments was a gingerbread man who had lost his leg. I was going to throw it away but they insisted it was the one from Shrek and each year made a candy cane walking stick for him!!! So each one of you do what you can to manage the holidays for your family. It is ok to have tears and triggers and sad memories but I hope there will also be a few happier memories mixed in 

[MargeeTx]

Oh,MyMy:   My heart is filled with sorrow after reading your story.  I cannot even imagine having a court case after Jason died.  Make sure that your attorney leads you in the right direction regarding your statement.  Please come here often so we know how you are doing.

I think I told you all that I decided to just put our schnauzer ceramic tree.  Doing my decorating is a 3-4 day event, and I am not up to it this year.  It sometimes wish I could skip this time of year.   My parents always made Christmas such a huge event-with 8 kids, it would be!  And,I have wondered how on earth they afforded all of the gifts that Santa brought. 

I got my shower, and just doing that my heart rate went to 180 and A-FIB.  Dr called....I have to lay down for 2 hours, drink 2 large glasses of ice water; if it doesn't settle down, I have to call 911.

so I am being quiet.

xxoo margarett 

[peggy a sad mom]

mymy31i how i wish we could all go with you to court! this is a very hard world for all of us

let us know

lesley my boss is on vacation so if anything changes it won't be till monday but i will let you know. see in my heart if you saw me all day you should ask yourself wow i wonder whats wrong with her. everyone i work with was so nice that day and gave me my space. not him i believe it was done on purpose

peggy

[Somersky]

Lu....this Christmas is tough ... I held my dads hand in death last Christmas... I haven’t processed that yet!!! It was unexpected... not sure why it happened to be me ... it was hard to see.

I think getting through the holidays one day at a time is the best thing... 

we are all here together for each other  ... that’s important ❤️

[My girl is in heaven]

Kristen.  Same as me..my dad died on Jan 2, but lingered in the hospital for a week or so , and I was holding his hand and telling him he had to look after Kira now cause I had to stay here for the boys. That is totally the right approach to the holidays, one day at a time.  This is the first year I’m not running from Christmas, not really embracing it, but just not running from it. You can’t hide from it anyway and I just keep on rolling cause Kira’s birthday is January 21st.  So I usually go Under ground from nov til the end of January.  Sometimes I find it better to just let things gently wash over you, I mean we’ve already had the worst life can throw at anyone, so we can handle pretty much anything...us grieving moms are a lot stronger than we look.   Have a good weekend.  Lu

[My girl is in heaven]

Very wise and comforting words from a mom who has been there and knows....Tommy’s mom, Lesley.  Hold on to her words dear friends, they will serve you well as you approach Christmas.  Hugs. Lu

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[Tommy's mum]

This is my experience. The first year after I lost my son Tommy I cannot remember anything at all, nothing.I had suffered a severe mental breakdown a few weeks before and been very ill in hospital so have no memory of that time. The second year I was very tearful and reluctant to participate. My kids helped put up a few decorations but none of us could face putting ornaments on the tree so it stayed lit but bare and that felt like a tribute to Tommy. I am with Lou that this year I am not running away from Xmas. This is our 3rd without Tommy and I have managed to approach it as a job that needs to be done. I have checked off things on the list. My heart is not in it at all but I have to make an effort for my other children all adults now. Please feel free to share how you personally cope over the holidays to help our newer friends get some idea of what they may  be able to do. I went to my local homeless shelter and donated a couple bags of items I had bought over the last few months along with some coats and backpacks that had been gently used and 2 sleeping bags. I donate in my son's name via their Paypal account. The young man I met there was so keen to show me around and showed such pride in their donation centre, furniture shop and drop in food area. It was touching as the premises were obviously rent free with ripped smelly carpet, piles of clothing and a musty smell everywhere. he did not see the depressing dark premises he saw piles of donated care and thoughtfulness, piles of a better future and an area where the homeless could feel visible and matter. I was brought to tears afterwards by his gratefulness at being helped out of addiction and living on the streets and so proud to have his own room in a hostel. That is humanity at its finest, someone who many people would consider a lost cause a throwaway life who not only made his way through but was happy to tell his story and donate his time and energy in giving back to others in need. That is what Xmas is all about, not monetary gifts but the gifts of love and family and friends, the gift of time spent on others, the gifts of thoughtfulness and sharing. I do not have a faith anymore except for the faith in humanity and spirituality and care for Nature but no matter what your beliefs know that here you will be supported and cared about throughout the darkest times and the lighter ones yet to come.

[MargeeTx]

Hello to my sane friends.   I screwed up somehow this morning.....I managed to fall to the floor in my bedroom.  ( guys.....I never just fall , all 5'11' CRASH)

after mike and I finally got my butt back in the bed.....here comes the RN Margarett..... I did a full. Assessment.   ROM: unaffected.  No bruising. Most severe pain....attempting to ambulated.   So I am just lying in bed, using ice, heat, TENS unit. Taking pain RX.  No A-FIB all day.(right hip mostly)

If no better or worse during the night I will go to Urgent Care. I PROMISE.

The closer we get to Christmas, I feel my heart breaking in a thousand pieces.  My family is so incomplete........it feels different then when my 2 brothers, one older sister, and my Mama and Daddy died.  This death feels like God trying to tell me something, but I can't figure it out.  I have an appt this coming week  with a friend who is Chaplain....he understands me better than my regular pastor does.  Let's hope this will help me with some peaceful relief.

Thinking of you all  and holding your hearts in mine.

XXOO margarett 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee...why are you falling....is it just clumsiness, are you getting dizzy, your the nurse and you know if you have to get to the hospital or doctor, so please do. U have to look after your health.  Yes friend, there is no two ways about it, you and the other newbies are going into your first Christmas without your precious child and it is tough, I’m 7 years in, and it is still hard for me, but the first few years are particularly painful. This is my first year I have put a few decorations out.  I bought new ones, cause I did not want to open a bin that I knew my daughter was here helping me put them up the last time it was open.  So if you want to, let some things go, it is only “stuff” anyway. I don’t really remember every thing over the years, but I do remember going to my family Christmas and being so upset cause all my siblings had thier kids and I didn’t. I have up til this year tried to out run Christmas, flicking off the commercials, trying to drive up my street and not look at people’s lights and decorations.  Trying to get my groceries quick so I don’t have to hear the carols.  But trying to out run Christmas is exhausting and almost impossible. Now I am just letting it gently wash over me, . It will run its course and life will keep moving on. You and Peggy have your first angel date coming in January, so this will be a hard stretch for you.  If it doesn’t feel ok to decorate, bake, entertain, then just don’t.  Don’t plan, just let each day unfold as it will. I gave you my email and if you want I can call and chat with you or anyone if you would like to.  We are all here hand in hand ..you do not e er have to walk this journey alone...lu

Peggy, ...hope work goes better for you this week, it is so shocking that people behave like that to a grieving parent, but sadly they do.  Can you have your dr write you off for a bit, can you take an early retirment.  We are not the same people we were, but the world doesn’t understand that.   

Virginia, Donna Marie, and all you others facing your first Christmas without your kids, lean on us here now, let us come in and hold your hands and hearts. We have all been there thru the terrible year of firsts. Let us carry some of the load, just one day, hour or minute, you will get thru.   Hugs lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[NiquesMom]

I had a visit from nique last night, a real visit , I got to hug her, I had s conversation with her. Oh I am so glad she came to see. It's a little muddled in my head, it was mixed in with a really weird dream. But she spoke of my parents, she showed me she has writing on her back, like tattoos. And I got a huge hug at the end. Best gift as I come up on the year mark.

[Ashleys Mom]

I’m sure that was the most happiest feeling I wish my Ash would come and give me a hug I say that all the time.


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[NiquesMom]

I have been asking her every night for almost a year, she died 12/21/17.  I'm not sure how they choose to visit but it made me feel so much better.  I miss her so much,  and the hug is what I needed. 

[MargeeTx]

Good evening everyone.   We missed showing up at 2 adult Christmas party's tonight.  Regrets were sent ( Emily Post) is grinning about that.  Between the hip discomfort, the dizziness and just feeling like pure crap, we bowed out. There was some sci fic shows anyway, for Mike.

I have devised a position of comfort.  It takes 4 heating pads, 6 pillows, phone and iPad in reach.  But, it works!!! I thought back on all of my patients when I was their nurse...I hope I remembered to really make sure they were as comfortable as I could help them be.  Nowadays, they don't even make sure patients get cleaned up/ showered.  If the patient/family doesn't ask repeatedly, it won't happen.  4 years ago I fell (crashed) in a Walgreens parking lot.  On my third day I was discharged home..... there was still blood dried on my face and neck. That is just stupid, lazy , and scared, with all the super bugs out there. My family had all asked but were not persistent enough.  When I get to feeling better, I will be teaching them on the value and method of "PITCHING A HISSY FIT." I am told I am really good teaching this.

Still no dreams of Jason.   I guess he and God have had a lot to talk about.

it is cold and damp here, but nothing like the poor states thru the middle and up the Eastern coast.  I can't drive in it.  I am a nervous ninny.

please know that all of you are most of my thoughts.

xxoo  margarett 

[Tinay]

Hi everyone. I'm here. I read. Just haven't really had much to say. Same things every day. My niece that I was closet to said people are getting sick of me repeating the same thing over and over. Tired of arguing with me. I don't talk to her anymore. I told my mom that I don't repeat everything. I talk about my life as do they. Grayson, work, and my daughter. She is still a part of my life. 

Grayson will have his surgery in the 7th if January. It's a microdissection of his L4. This new doctor we went to diagnosed him with the same thing I have. Degenerative disc disorder. We are happy to finally get this done. 

My job is the same. Almost a year there. Can't believe I made it this far. Most days I keep thinking I can hold on till August at the latest. Grayson is working on getting into a school in Toronto Canada. I can't go into Canada so I'll more than likely be moving to the Niagara falls NY areas. Trying to figure out the finances for that move. 

I stayed at my parents when we went for Grayson's appointment. I'm worried about my dad. He hardly said a word. My son noticed it too. I told my son that it's probably because my mom snaps at him when he says anything so he chooses not to say anything at all. I hope that's the case because anything different/worse would probably do me in. I'll have to call him more. 

Well im going to go back to bed. I've worked the last 3 days in a row. They are 12 hour shifts and take its toll. I'll try and write more later. 

Peace and love to all

Tina

[My girl is in heaven]

Tina, so nice to hear from you. Yes friends, family, they don’t want to hear about the precious children we lost.  It’s “unpleasant” for them, it reminds them that it could happen to them. But good for you for standing your ground. Kiona is very much still a part of your life and always will be and you have every right to talk about her as much as you want.  And your right there is no use arguing with ignorance. I just walked away too and one of the best things I’ve done. Glad your job is working out, so are you retiring or quitting in August?  I am only an hour and a half from Toronto and that’s where my son lives, so if there is anything I can help Grayson out with from this end, let me know.  Hope your dad is ok, this time of year can be a very low time for folks as you know.  Stay strong with the  holidays coming.  Hugs.  Lu

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

 

[Tommy's mum]

virginia how special to have a visit I still have not had one but I definitely know my son helps me out when I ask him. His friend Zach messaged me that he lost control on an icy road last week and barrelled off the road toward an embankment with trees. He keeps all my son's letters in his console. The car came to an abrupt stop merely a couple inches from a large tree and he felt tommy;s presence.

margarett I worry too that you are falling and falling hard. You sound very uncomfortable poor you. is there anything else you should do to keep yourself healthy? I know nurses are not good patients and depression from grief makes you just not care about yourself. You are still very important to a lot of people remember that.

tina a lot of people move on and are made uncomfortable by the fact that we still mention our child. That is their problem not yours and they will have to adjust their misguided thinking. A year at your job already? Time flies huh? Hope Grayson's surgery goes well in january and he gets some relief from pain. Hope your dad is ok too as they age we parent them instead of the other way around.

[daveydow1]

Lesley------I agree...sometimes all we can do is make the effort. But, at

least it's an effort, and that is , many times,  so excruciatingly difficult.

At three years along this lousy road we're on,.....I think that you are doing

well.  Not that the pain goes away....NEVER THAT,  but the small steps taken

along with the inevitable steps back, there is some progress gained.  Peace to you.

 

Leah----Thanks for your kind words.  Praying that you are able to get meds that

help you.  It can be exasperating, for sure......having pain and discomfort, and

unable to find the right Drs. and treatment.  Wishing you the best.

Take care, my friend.

 

MYmy31----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, and under 

such terrible conditions.  Praying you are able to withstand the day in court

where the murderer and his family are so hateful.  That's unimaginable that they

could be that way,  but sad to say......many times, criminals think they have all

the rights and the victims none. 

 

Dee-----You wrote something that struck a cord with me......always was half afraid

to say so in any posts.  That is when you said that..... by leaving this world, Erica might

have avoided some soul-crushing events in her life, and that by going to her heavenly

home, she may have avoided such painful times.  (I hope I interpreted this, and stated

it correctly as to your meaning...I apologize if not).  I have always felt the same thing

about Davey's death.  Thinking he may have been spared a devastation in life that he

could not deal with.  He was  introspective, and a deep-thinker, and  ready  to blame

himself for things going wrong.  Anyhow,  I'm glad that I am not alone in thinking

those thoughts.  All our angels are at peace, and happy.

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND  COMFORT  TO ALL  INDIGOS  AT  THIS  TIME  OF  YEAR.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry     

[Somersky]

Don’t be discouraged.... especially this time of year. I know it’s hard. It saddens me that there are no more current stories to talk/brag to clients about Skylar. I try to still talk about him.. keep his memory alive ... it’s important.

I had a client tell me a month after Skylar died that he came to her and said he was lost ? Wt? I was so scared.... even in death I was afraid and worried about Skylar. I wanted to know he was okay and I couldn’t and that killed me!!! It was torturous. I prayed everyday sometimes 10 times a day. Nothing. I just wanted to know he was okay. Then.... about a month and a half later I felt the presence of Skylar ... not him physically... but the presence ... spirit of him. He said “ Mom... where you are is tiny .. compared to where I am” then he was gone. That was it. I guess I got my answer. I know some have heard this but for those who are discouraged know that they are ok...and give it time. I knew after that he was ok and that is all I needed. I never got anything else after that. 

They are with us .... xoxo

 

[ericasmom]

And they are with us Kristen, I agree. And I am so glad that you shared this. To everyone sharing, you should understand that this is the biggest way to finding your heart rebuilding. Your heart will rebuild and the hole in it will be there holding the spot of your beloved child. We build a nest in our hearts, think of it as a beautiful home for our best and sweetest memories right next to the hole, and so the yin and yang of our lives shares this space. One day, you will treasure everything in it.

Sherry, I do believe that perhaps Erica was being spared, that something in her life ahead was going to be tragic, she would not be abl to live a good life...it is a sense of things I had when she left. Interesting that we share that wonder and sense.

Virginia, so glad that you had a visit from your Sweet Nique. HOORAY! Isn't that a glorious feeling?

 

[Mason’s Mom]

It was a Friday night 1 year ago that I last saw my son. As a family it was strange that we all met for dinner. My husband rarely meets up with me after work and Mason had been working out of the area. We had such a great dinner together.  I told Mason more than once how good he looked.  He looked happy and rested. Sunday morning we awoke to that phone call...Mason got up out if bed said he was going to to be sick and fell over.  He couldn't be revived. I am in so much pain I just wanted so much more time. My heart feels like it could explode with the pain. It is hard to breathe. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Masons mom. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dear boy. 7 years ago my healthy 17 year old daughter suddenly collapsed and died with no clear cut apparent cause.  All of us here stand in your shoes dear friend and know your sorrow.  We have to march right thru the middle of grief, there is no side stepping it ..it will always catch up to you.  and as painful as that is, that is exactly what you are doing, you are letting it fall on you just as it comes both emotionally and physically. I wish I could press a fast forward button for you and take you to a day when you will feel that glimmer of hope and grief loosens its grip ever so slightly. As much as you don’t think that is possible right now, that day will come. It is so minute at first but none the less it is there. Look back at this first year and take pride in how far you have come on this journey and know how much further you will go. But never having to do this alone, all of your new friends here will light the way for you. Lean on us. You are right where you are supposed to be.  Lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia.   So glad Nique came to visit you. With her angel date and Christmas coming up she knew you needed that from her. The next few weeks will be difficult for you, but I have seen so many positive things coming from you in this past year. Not that we don’t fall back into that grief pit now and again. I still do after 7 years, but not as frequently and it gets a little easier to dig your way out each time you do. So no snow in Florida I bet for Christmas...a lot of Canadians spend their winters there. Try to take in the joy of Kyle at Christmas, it is bittersweet, but will help you thru this difficult time. 

 

Devianez..how are you doing.  still waiting for a court date...it must be so difficult having that hanging over your head...peace to you.

 

Margee, Peggy, Donna Maria, KJs mommy, missing my little man, Leah, piece of Cate, Bea, Stephanie, and all you other moms facing your first Christmas without your precious children, come on now, lean on your friends here, these next few weeks are going to be difficult, but we will walk every step with you, those of us who have walked this journey longer than you. My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com if you want to talk or if you want to chat i have free calling to the States. I will be here every day and night including Christmas , New Years and every day in between so don’t hesitate to reach out friends. I know the pain of those firsts. Hugs Lu

Luanne....Kira’s mama 

[peggy a sad mom]

thank you luanne yes it is tough i see it already. it is just so hard. i can't miss him anymore then i do now. but i do understand what the next three weeks or so will be like (i think) thanks that you will be here everyday it's a comfort knowing that.i will be back for sure

thank you

peggy

[ericasmom]

Mason's Mom, it is true,what Luanne said, one day you will feel the weight of sadness lighten and new light will enter the cracks in your heart, but right now, it is too soon to ask or expect that. The pain is so big, and you have hit a marker of time that just rips one's spirit to shreds. Know that your Mason is smiling on you, wanting you to find your steps, to live your lives in his light, the light he left for you. I am so glad that Mason had that dinner with you and your Husband, that somehow, the stars aligned for this time together. I have many stories that have led me to believe in some of the magic that sometimes happens right before loss. My Erica was 19 when she was killed 15 years ago. There were many magical events that happened prior to her last day here on Earth. I am grateful for each magical moment. Breathe, and know that we are holding your hands. Tell us more about your Son.

[Mason’s Mom]

18 hours ago, ericasmom said:

Mason's Mom, it is true,what Luanne said, one day you will feel the weight of sadness lighten and new light will enter the cracks in your heart, but right now, it is too soon to ask or expect that. The pain is so big, and you have hit a marker of time that just rips one's spirit to shreds. Know that your Mason is smiling on you, wanting you to find your steps, to live your lives in his light, the light he left for you. I am so glad that Mason had that dinner with you and your Husband, that somehow, the stars aligned for this time together. I have many stories that have led me to believe in some of the magic that sometimes happens right before loss. My Erica was 19 when she was killed 15 years ago. There were many magical events that happened prior to her last day here on Earth. I am grateful for each magical moment. Breathe, and know that we are holding your hands. Tell us more about your Son.

Today is the day, one full year, ericasmom thanks for the understanding and the reminder to breathe. Mason was such a big guy in every way.  He was always the kid the stood a head above everyone.  He made some choices that we had a hard time understanding but he truly had a heart for for helping others.  After his death we received messages from all over the world, our small school hosted several exchange students and his kindness to them did not go unnoticed.  He comforted one of the young men when he was missing his family, we have been told by many young people as well as their parents that they knew Mason was just a phone call away, if someone was stuck in  a ditch, had to much to drink or just need a BIG SHOULDER to lean on, HE WAS THERE. Mason loved his sisters, he walked our youngest daughter to class everyday her first year of school.  He had a smile that could light up a room,  everyone talks about that smile. I hear time and time again, everyone misses his smile. His nickname was BIG COUNTRY, don't let fool anyone, he had friends from all walks of life.  

[Mason’s Mom]

On 12/15/2018 at 7:22 PM, My girl is in heaven said:

Masons mom. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dear boy. 7 years ago my healthy 17 year old daughter suddenly collapsed and died with no clear cut apparent cause.  All of us here stand in your shoes dear friend and know your sorrow.  We have to march right thru the middle of grief, there is no side stepping it ..it will always catch up to you.  and as painful as that is, that is exactly what you are doing, you are letting it fall on you just as it comes both emotionally and physically. I wish I could press a fast forward button for you and take you to a day when you will feel that glimmer of hope and grief loosens its grip ever so slightly. As much as you don’t think that is possible right now, that day will come. It is so minute at first but none the less it is there. Look back at this first year and take pride in how far you have come on this journey and know how much further you will go. But never having to do this alone, all of your new friends here will light the way for you. Lean on us. You are right where you are supposed to be.  Lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

Lu, today is the official one year mark.  I have the entire week off from work as I know I wouldn't be effective.  One of Mason's friends came and spent a few hours with us yesterday, I can see he is suffering too.  Although last year was really our first Christmas without Mason, we were in so much shock I feel it doesn't count.  I have struggled to bring some normalcy for my daughters. I am going to the cemetery today and use this time alone to talk to him, I have cried many times the last few days and I know I will today as well.  I think I will explode if I don't cry.  I am sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter.

[NiquesMom]

Masons mom, i know what you mean about this technically being the second Christmas but really feeling like the first.  My daughter passed 12/21/17, so technically my second but I really think of it as my first.  We celebrated Christmas with my daughter early (12/16/17) so i was lucky in that aspect, to have the last Christmas with her.  We still had to do Santa Claus that year for my youngest as he was only 4 and didn't really understand what was going on.  Friday is one year for me, and this sucks.  I am not happy or excited about anything.  I am going through the emotions and trying for my son to make it special.  I hope next Christmas is a little easier.  I hold you in my heart today, and wish a little bit of peace on you and your family.

[MargeeTx]

Good evening, all:   Hope you are all having the very best day that you can.

i have been mostly medicated ( which puts me sleep) since Monday.   I thought I was getting better, so I obviously overdid it, and have had severe pain since I woke up this morning.  I feel so useless. But, I really can't do anything.   Dr appt on Tuesday...maybe he has some magic .

mike was going thru our picture box again; I have over 200 pictures of Jason. I will definitely make a special book for him.  But I cried harder today whole looking at the pictures than I have this entire time.  I then when I think that in a little over Month from now, it will be 1st anniversary of his death.  I really do not feel that I am alive.  Some moments....grandchildren, Jeremy and Meredith. Btw, her back surgery went well  and she is doing great.

My words are getting goofy.......catch all of you later.

 

xxoo margarett

 

 

[MargeeTx]

The above post was done yesterday.... I don't know why it did not post. Louanne asked about my numerous falls (crashes) actually.  I ave been 5'11" al my life, and I have had three serious falls.  The dizziness is not helping-I a hopeful the doc has some ideas.  Hell, I almost fell out of my bed this morning,

i am in horrible pain.  I keep reading the CT report from Monday....they will need an MRI.  I guess I am doing my part for nation's healthcare budbget.

So sorry these are so short , but my only comfort level does not promote typing.

catch up with all of you tomorrow.

xxo. Margarett

 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee...are all your medical problems related to your Afib.  Wow, you are tall, bet they wanted you for the basketball teams.  So you are retired now as a nurse.  Do you have plans with Meredith , Jeremey and how many grandkids do you have.  Indeed this Christmas will be difficult, only one day at a time, don’t plan to far ahead or put any unrealistic expectations on yourself.  Just let things unfold and embrace the joy of the little ones as much as you can.  You are a lot stronger than you think dear friend, and I know with Christmas and the first angel date coming it will be a hard time.  Know that your hands and heart are held here.  Hugs. Lu

 

Lu......Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia and Masons mom...I’m sure last Christmas didn’t even register for you..you would have been lost in a fog of shock and heartache.   Masons mom, how did you get thru the first angel date, and virgina I’m sure your feeling the ache in your heart as the 21st approaches.  Your marching right thru the middle of grief, which is the only way it can be done, but know there will come a day when it will lessen a little bit.  Never, ever, do you have to walk this journey alone...because your friends here will walk beside you every step of the way.  Be gentle with yourselves.  Hugs  lu

 

peggy, how are things at work, hope they have settled down some.  One would think people might be a little considerate of a grieving mom, but sadly few are.  Do you have any plans for Christmas.  Sometimes it’s better not to have too many rigid plans, I am 7 years in and I just let things flow as they will.  Don’t pressure yourself to feel or not feel anything.  

All you other grieving  moms who are facing your first Christmas without your precious children, I hope you are still reading and know how much love and support you have here. Lean on those of us who have been on this journey longer than you.  Hugs  Lu

 

Lu....Kira’s mama

 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Lu...kira's Mom I went to Mason's grave and had a long cry and talk with him.  I talk to him almost everyday.  My family and friends were very helpful, my brother came by and took me for a ride and introduced me to their new puppy.  Maddie, our youngest daughter had a basketball game, her team and school played against the school that my niece and nephew attend. We attended the ballgame with several family members and friends.  Staying busy and spending as much time with family as possible is how I cope.

I received a lot of texts and messages from friends in encouragement. His high school principal sent and posted this message "Mason was a young man who could light up a room and fill it with laughter, just within seconds of walking into it. He was compassionate and I could trust and depend on him. When he gave me his word, it was solid. He left a deep imprint on my heart during a particularly trying time. He boldly came into my office and reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 and exactly who I am in Christ. It was a five minute conversation where he commanded the conversation and I knew, I was to listen intently. He walked out of my office and left my heart with filled with peace. I have drawn on that conversation several times since that day. My heart is heavy, but I celebrate Mason’s deep impact on my life."  The picture says so much, the smile on Mason's face, he love the teacher he was facing and that is principal in background looking up at him.  Lot of love in that photo.

[My girl is in heaven]

Masons mom..what a wonderful tribute to your boy.  He obviously touched a lot of lives and a light that shone that brightly here on earth is surely illuminating heaven.  His picture says it all.  Thank you for sharing Mason with us.  Lu.  Kira’s mama. 

 

[peggy a sad mom]

hi lu things have settled down a bit at work. after my boss was talked to by human resources he has calmed down. i do have plans for christmas i will be going to my sisters for dinner. my son loved going there. every day is some sort of struggle so christmas will be one more. it's almost 11 months my son is gone. i keep saying 11 months over and over in my head i still can't believe that. i admit i kind  of can't wait for jan. 20th to be over. after the one year mark all the firsts will be over. don't know if i'll feel any better but we will see. life is hard for all of us now and forever. thanks for being there everyone but i wish you didn't have to be

thanks

peggy

[MargeeTx]

Hello all:   Ok, the nurse in me figured something today.    Remember how I thought I had 'overdone' my activities on Friday & Saturday?   Well I. Stayed in bed ( as ordered) by the doc, other than bathroom.  TODAY I FELT BETTER.  I am not at 100%, but at least I know what 'bedrest' means. So I am going to be really good until I see the doc on Friday. 

Christmas was Jason 's favorite holiday he was the one who was on the roof with lights since he was 12.  That explains his certificate in high air construction.  "The higher up, the better I like it" he did bungee jumping, sky diving, getting licensened to drive any type of construction vehicle... my wild child who didn't just roll to a different drummer.....he heard an entirely different orchestra.

it seems strange to not have a tree and all the Christmas stuff out....maybe it is a God thing, to prevent me from going off the rails trying to decorate.

we have so many of us with Christmas angel deaths.  I wish I could say something meaningful......just love your family.  We have no guarantees about tomorrow.

xxoo margarett 

[rlolheiser]

Margee.. sure hope you get some answers on your health.  It isn't easy trying to put a life together when your not feeling well in the first place.  

Mason's mom..  Thinking of you and your angel.  That picture lights up the screen..  thank you for sharing it.

Luanne..  Thanks for your kind words, you are such a help to everybody here.

Dee, Sherry, Peggy, everybody here..  The holidays are hard to get through..  I pray you have strength and feel your love for your angels.

I have disliked the holidays for a long time.  Even before JaBoa's passing.  I learn to shy away from them even more as I see the heartache it left behind.  I have learned and learn still how to go on .. how to fix little pieces of my heart as it has broken..  but I see the destruction this loss has had on my family.  My grandchildren are a mess.. throughout the years I have tried to help them, listen to them.. and they all end up with little messages about JaBoa and how cruel it was to lose her.  They were all just kids, and sadly they never got their needs taken care of.  When they got to go home to live with their mother's the mental needs they had weren't met.  (they were in foster care and with me for a time)  To many things pushed back to the corners of their minds..  as they were closer than most cousins because they had me in common.  Over the years I have learned, I am not superwoman.. and can't fix everything.. I am not super grandma and I don't have all the answers..  I am just a grandma.. a mother..  one with a heart that wasn't  put back together quite right..  trying to make a life for the little ones still in my care and make them want a better life..  

This holiday.. I pray for the families to get put back together the right way..  pray for happiness for them all..   pray for a closeness with all the angels and a little piece of mind..  something I know all the angels want for those they left her while they wait to be reunited with their loved ones....  Bless all of you and yours..  Bless the angels...  Bless my JaBoa who with the help of God has worked on me and my soul. :-) 

[My girl is in heaven]

Leah, you have such a weight on your shoulders, to tend to your own broken heart while trying to bring stability to the lives of your grandchildren. I am glad you recognize that you are not super woman and you can’t fix everything for everybody. I am starting to realize that about myself as well.  Remember god has many hands, but you and I dear friend have only two. But the love and support you are giving those kids is something they will always remember and your Jaboa is so proud of her grandma.  I don’t bother too much with the holidays myself any more, just pull a little something together for my boys. You are doing more than most would ever do taking on those children, you are the shining beacon in thier life.  Don’t ever under estimate that.   Hugs. Lu

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[MargeeTx]

Oh my....what a strange and unpositive time, for me, all of you &all  the many  folks who don't use this site for understanding and strength.  Last nite, I woke up around 3am, and spent the next couple of hours reading the mountains of posts.  I truely don't know how so  many of us  continue to move  forward.  Then I started flipping channels and found a really old Billy Gragham telecast. He was a amazing man of God.  For the first 12 years off my first marrriage,,we never missed a  service.   The twins were babtized at 12...  Jeremy was 10.   They never complained about going to church. I had a  "pretend marriage" at age 40..  it only lasted 14 months and.  Was a raging alcoholic.  Then I met Mike... we have been married since 1995.  Our anniversary is 9/11....and, no it wasn't planned way. Mike is calm, steady, and so dependable and honest.  He has the strongest heart of anyone I have known.  And  he loves my children. And he is a HUNK!!!!

I am learning mediation.i have  to find something that I can turn to when the terror hits.   And you all know what I mean.  I reffused to  use drugs or alcohol. I will be glad when I an get back to my walking.  I was walking 5 miles.  I have never timed it,; our town developed a trail thru the woods... it is so peaceful.

Unti 2 years ago, I have always worked in nursing management. I had  a job back in 80's, I traveled every week .   Great money but Traveling gets old pretty quickly.  And another God thing..... He kept me well until it was retirement time.  

I have used one entire spiral notebook since I began my journal .  It does help me tremendously to sit and just write.  It might help others.    There is therapeutic is impact with writing.... 

oh, and BTW...... have a bunch of baby squirrels in one bird house.........they are so cute!!!!!

xxoo margarett 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Masonsmom-----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son.  You are welcome

here at this site, although it is a place where no parent ever wants to be,...  I know.  But

sharing one's grief can help lighten the load just a bit, because you are with the ones

who have also lost their children, so there is a lot of understanding about the loss of

a beloved child.  Thanks for the pic of your dear son.  Peace to you.

 

Leah-----Yes, I agree......we always hope we can be 'super moms, grams,', but we come

to realize that we cannot.  I, too, dislike the holidays.  It seems so 'false', somehow, to

be participating in all the gatherings etc. when the heart is split in pieces, and trying hard

to bring some balance to the storm inside.  Each year, I, like you,  just pray to get through

and make it to January.  I did some decorating....not a whole lot. My husband is particularly

blue and melancholy this year, so he doesn't care if there are any signs of the holidays in

our house.  You have done so very much in trying to hold your family together after tragedies

and strife, and although you may sometimes think that  you have not succeeded,

all the grandies have been with you, and you are there for them . No, we realize that we are not

able to fix everything for everyone, and ourselves, but as you say.......we just keep going on. 

Peace to you, my friend.

 

WISHING  PEACE  AND  COMFORT  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Virginia, I don't post anymore but used to be a regular here.  I had added Nique's angel date to my calendar and when it popped up this morning I knew you could use an arm around your shoulders today so I jumped back in to offer you support, kindness, comfort, understanding.  I am not sure how often you visit here but hoping you know that Nique is remembered on this saddest of days.

Nique, hold your mom close today and let her know you are always near.

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia.  How have you and your family done today.  The first angel date is so very difficult and with it being so close to Christmas im sure is unbearable for you right now.  But your girl visited you last week, you had a conversation and a hug..she knew this is a difficult time for you and she wanted you to know she is ok right now.  Yes we would love to have them back, but since we can’t, they find ways of letting us now they are ok.  There are no tears, suffering or pain in heaven. We will see our kids again one day.  Look at how far you have come in the past year, with your move and new job. Being a grieving mom is a constant in the hole, then out of the hole.  But you get a little stronger every time you crawl out.  Even though it’s a very thin scab that grows over your heart, it is still there, and it shows we are healing, slowly, but it is still healing.  Hold on to your visit from Nique, and that frog jumping on you.  They are called our crumbs and slivers , they are all we get now,  but they are so very important to  healing our broken heart. Kyle is no doubt missing his sister, but is probably all excited about Christmas.  Let yourself take his joy in and wash over you.  The next week will be difficult for sure, but you will get thru and turn the page to a new year.  We are all holding your hands and heart.  

Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you will go.  

 

Hugs...Lu....Kira’s mama

[Mason’s Mom]

On 12/17/2018 at 11:57 AM, NiquesMom said:

Masons mom, i know what you mean about this technically being the second Christmas but really feeling like the first.  My daughter passed 12/21/17, so technically my second but I really think of it as my first.  We celebrated Christmas with my daughter early (12/16/17) so i was lucky in that aspect, to have the last Christmas with her.  We still had to do Santa Claus that year for my youngest as he was only 4 and didn't really understand what was going on.  Friday is one year for me, and this sucks.  I am not happy or excited about anything.  I am going through the emotions and trying for my son to make it special.  I hope next Christmas is a little easier.  I hold you in my heart today, and wish a little bit of peace on you and your family.

NiquesMom, my thoughts are with you.  Today couldn't have been easy. Today was one year from our sons visitation and tomorrow will one since his funeral.  Every first seems to open up our wounds and we have to work hard to put ourselves back together. I want to hold on tightly to my girls, it is hard for them. Like you I am trying to make their Christmas as good as possible. Peace to you as well. May you find ways to honor Nique.

[NiquesMom]

Thank you for remembering nique, it was not easy. I took my son to see the Rockettes and Santa at Macy's,  had a few moments because I know nique would have loved this trip, I believe NY was her favorite trip. What hurt was that only 2 friends and my brother remembered and asked me how I was doing. No other family or friends were concerned about me.  I guess they all just went back to living their lives and forgot about us. 

[rlolheiser]

sorry to have missed Niques remembrance day..  haven't been on to much, seems so much to handle around here.. but my thoughts have been with you, your family, and especially your beautiful angel..  Your trip sounds like it was a beautiful way to spend the day.. I am sure Nique was with you every step of the way.

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia...did you look back and  read the postings from the people here who remembered your Nique.  They are the ones that count cause they are sincere as they are people who stand in your shoes. I had the very same experience.....where did everybody go....then I figured it out, they all went back to the day before my daughter died and just carried on with thier lives. Don’t let anyone tell you, well they don’t know what to say or they don’t want to upset you, there is no reason to not show at least a little compassion to a grieving parent on at least two days of the year.  But shake them off, let them go. As time goes by it will become very clear those who stand beside you and those who don’t.  Our circle gets smaller after we lose a child, but it definitely gets more valuable.  Is Kyle excited about Santa?  I hope you can enjoy him.    Peace to you......

Lu...Kira’s mama