I can't cry - what's wrong with me

[maamgrey]

It's been 10 weeks since I lost Mike.  For 8 weeks I cried just about daily and would tear up at seemingly nothing.  The last 2 weeks I've only cried once.  I feel like crying but the tears just won't come.   I want to but I can't force them.  I'm not holding anything back; I think about him and miss him every minute of the day.  I wear his clothes, I talk to him and write to him, I talk to others about him, I look at his and our pictures.  I have a lump in my chest instead of a heart.  I'm living under this cloud of sadness all the time.  There is no life now - it's just existence.  So why won't the tears come? 

Sue

[rodless]

I am not a crier by nature (especially in front of others) so I understand what you're saying. Sometimes the lump builds up until I can't stand it. Then I put music on and look at pictures and think about what I'm missing and the tears come. I always feel better afterwards. I wish I could cry a little easier. I did not cry at my husband's funeral until we were all done at the cemetery. I'm sure some people especially stepkids thought I was stone hearted but I think I knew inside that if I started I would not be able to get through it. I made up for it later. Your tears will come when they're ready. 

[armaiti]

I'm also not a crier in public.  Alone with my cats I can.  But early on my friend who's a nurse told me to drink lots of water too.  If you cry a lot, you are losing water in your body, and you need to drink extra to make up for it...there's even an old Native ceremony called "replenishng the tears" that a friend of Ishaq's led for us that year, where we all held cups of water and remembered our loved ones who had passed and then drank the water.

I think sometimes the grief takes such a toll on our bodies that they just need to rest, even if we feel we want to let loose, our bodies may not let us.

Blessings,

Anna

[maamgrey]

Wow, I never heard of that ceremony but what a nice idea.  I don't generally cry in public although I did at the funeral and the cemetery - not sobbing, just tears and sniffling.  After he died, I cried every day several times a day for weeks and weeks - always alone at home.  But then for a couple of weeks, they just wouldn't come out.  And well, I finally did cry tonight, and you're right, that lump in my chest has eased a little bit. 

Thanks for understanding.

Sue