I Miss Her So...

[Guest Guest]

Lisabrucesgirl I so know what you mean. I just lost my boyfriend in a motorcycle accident. Not his fault. Someone hit him. Everything you said is exactly how I am feeling. It just happened not even three weeks ago. I wake up and don't know how I will get through the day. I can't even think about what I'm doing the next day. He is on my mind always. I feel your pain. I feel like my future was torn from me. I know what you mean about waiting to see him and how it could be a lifetime which is way too long. I play the morning before he died over in my head constantly and what I could have done different to keep him from not getting on the bike. It is torture!!! I just wanted to let you know that I understand and hope that we will both will have some peace at some point. Take care and know that someone else out there feels the same.

[Guest Guest]

I stumbled onto this website and have to talk. I've browsed through some of the post' and feel so bad. I lost my fiance' This past April 24th. I feel as though I have died myself. The depression is so bad I don't want to get out of bed or do anything. I have thought of suicide on a daily basis and I've never been that way before. I feel embarrased but I have to say right now I hate God. This is the second girl I've lost. March 13th, 2005 I lost my wife of 9 years. I was bad. That is another thing that is really bothering me. I didn't get as wasted then as I am now. And I loved her so. I was sitting in jail for child support when I got the news of my wife dying. It was terrible. But I guess the atmoshpere kept some of my emotions at bay. I really don't know. I met Annette 6 months later and we stayed with each other constantly. We became best friends and I guess it helped alot with my recovery from Lisa my wife. Now that Annette totally unexpectedly died it has blown my life away. I just can't believe it. Two in a row. Why? I don't understand. I am practically non-functional. I have no friends. Between my wife then Annette I lost touch with everybody. I feel so alone. No body to talk to but this computer. I figure maybe I need to meet someone and date. Nothing serious but to be around people. So I joined a website - plentyoffish.com. That has been a total disappointment. I didn't write about my losses, just looking for a friend. I have got no responces. So beside being blown away from my losses now I am developing a self esteem problem. I didn't think I was that ugly and I am intellegent and have my own business. But it seems like everyone is avoiding me especially God. How could he take two women from me? I feel like I must be the worse person in the world. In fact the only thing keeping me in this world is my only daughter of 19 and my partner who we have a successful business running. But the depression is so bad. I just don't know how long I can hold on like this. Life is not worth living like this. No not at all. Something has got to change. And its going to take a lot of work for me to trust in God again. I just need help and don't know where to go.

Keith

[johngee]

Hello Keith,

I am so sorry you are going through the sorrow of your wife’s passing, and now your fiancé's. My heart hurts for you. What you must be going through is unimaginable to me. My wife of nineteen years passed away in March of 2006 and I can’t even begin to think of going through the anguish I have been through the last fifteen months a second time. Having been there once before you know the sharpness of the pain subsides with the passage of time. You can hang on, one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or one minute at a time, or just one breath at a time if that is what it takes. You know there is life after loss. Hang on!

I have found it helpful to stay in touch with people who have gone through grieving a profound loss and have come out the other side wanting to live again. I post in several places on this site, which helps me by sharing what I have been through and how I got through it. I also participate in a bereavement group that meets twice a month. I have found tremendous comfort there, but where I get the most encouragement is from a close friend; his wife past away about 2 years before mine did. He walked where I am now walking and is able to guide me through difficult times. His guidance comes mostly in the way of reminders that God loves us and He did not write death into the script. He reminds me that God’s plan is perfect and infinitely better than any plan I could think up. He reminds me that God will bring me comfort and peace if I ask Him. My friend has yet to give me bad information. I find truth in what he tells me.

Keith, I am not a religious nut. I am simply another man whose wife died, and through this God has drawn close and brought me the comfort and peace I needed to survive. I said earlier that He did not write death into the script. Instead, death was something that came about as the result of Adam and Eve’s first sin against God. Their sin was brought about by the temptation of the serpent (Satan). Therefore, he is the one who is responsible for sickness and death in this world. That is the way it was explained to me and when I checked it out for myself, that is the way it reads. If you are interested, the story is in Genesis, the first book in the Bible.

God knows you are angry and I don’t think He condemns any of us for telling Him so. As a matter of fact, it might be the beginning of a prayerful dialog in which you find tremendous healing. God does not love me any more than He loves you and He has done a great deal for me through all of this. There is no reason why He would not do the same for you. You can ask Him. Regardless of your choice, I’ll pray that God brings you comfort and peace.

Sincerely,

John

[marcskaren]

I feel for everyone on this site. I just lost Marc recently and all I want is to see him again. I keep thinking I will and in my heart know I won't. It breaks my heart. He was so good to me. The kindest person I ever knew. I feel lucky to have known him but so angry I didn't get more time. We had so much to do and finally for me a future I looked forward to!!! Now in my mind there is none. I keep wanting to dream about him but instead I have nightmares about not being able to save him. I saw him in the morning and you never think that when someone walks out the door you will never see them again. It is the worst feeling in the world. Never getting to say I loved you more than you ever knew. Nothing matters anymore without him. Nothing seems important. Being with him had changed my outlook on life and all I want to do is be as good as he was. I always wonder when I look at some people why they are so lucky and get to have the people they love with them. It is selfish I know but I don't understand why someone so good is taken and others who aren't are still here. I am so sorry for everyone who has lost. It is good to know others understand! I wish you all some peace and hope. Funny I used to believe in hope but not so much anymore!

[cheryl36]

Keith I am truely sorry for you terrible loss! My heart truely goes out to you! Please have faith, I know that is not what you wanna hear, or that everything is going to be okay. So I'm not going to say that to you. What I am gonna say HEY, I understand, and HEY, I care! and soo does everyone else here! If you ever need someone just to listen, I am here! I check the messages everyday. I was going to respond to you yesterday, But I wanted to think about what to say to you before I responded. Please fill free to e-mail me or write me here if you want to. And that goes for anyone! God bless and Love to you all!!!

Cheryl

[Tmystic]

This past May 28th marks the 24th year of my wedding anniversary. This past June 13th also marks 24th year anniversary of the death of my wife, Josette. Everyone seems to have forgotten about her but me. I don't know how to explain it, but she never seems far from my thoughts. I love her still so very much.

Thomas

[Guest Guest]

I lost my wife on May 24 this year. We were married for 20 years. She took very good care of her body. Never smoked and she died from lung cancer. Everyday is a struggle. Sometimes I feel anger towards life. I was praying to God for healing and now my life is so different. If my wife did dot died , I will not be dealing with the loneliness and sadness. Life has lost its meaning. I miss my wife so much. It was not fair that she died. We were suppose to grow old together. Now, I lost all my hopes and dreams. Life is not fair. I try to understand what has happened but I just don't.I do not know how to continue living without her. I am scared about the future.Can I make it? I hope so.

[jabbawockie]

Hi, I'm a new member of this site, and have found a sort of comfort from reading about others' loss as well. I lost my darling wife on the 27th April this year in a road traffic accident. When i heard the news my whole world came crashing down around me! We had been together some time, but only married for six months... She was my entire world, my friend, confidant, lover, you name it, she was it. She brought out the best in me and vica-versa. I had spent the last how many years waiting for that right person to come into my life, and she did, bringing so much happiness and joy, giving purpose to my life all over again. And then the unthinkable happened, and she was gone - forever. Ever since life has dulled, the joy lost and the purpose dwindled. I know I will never find another love like hers, don't really want to anyway. I am just so sad and alone. Sure I've got friends, but it just ain't the same. To read and find out I'm not alone, is some sort of comfort, as I've said, but I don't know how to deal with the loss. Some say time heals; I say it only aids in adapting to the change, the pain never goes. I think about her all the time, and my heart aches so. If only I could hold her one last time. Then again, if it was the other way round... well, I guess it was the last thing I could have done for her, save her from the pain I am feeling right now. Before we met I was lost, but I knew someday I would find that somebody special. Now I am right back where I started, except that now I know I've already found that someone, and she is now gone, and a big part of my heart went with her. I feel broken, empty, lost - yet I know I must go on, for what I'm not sure. We spoke about the loss of each other the night before that fateful day, funny enough. She said she would want me to be happy and live my life, but I am struggling so to pick up the pieces, what for? If I want to see her again I must be good, to go where she went; if it really does work that way; I really don't know - and thats the scary part, nobody really knows, so where do we go from here?

[Kelly]

To Keith and everyone else who finds themselves in the black pit of despair...

It is so hard to lose the people we love. Your feeling of anger is not uncommon in people who have had loved ones ripped away from them. It is one of the steps in the grief journey you are walking. Grieving is the hardest thing most of us will ever do. It is akin to running a marathon with no training.

Remember you have loved ones in your life such as your daughter who need you. You do not want to put her through the same time of loss that you are currently experiencing.

When the pain seems so horrible realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may need help finding it. Do not be afraid to call 911 or suicide hotlines when you feel like ending it all. We can help only so much here at Beyond Indigo and then you need someone who you can see and touch.

We are here to listen...

Kelly

President

Beyond Indigo

[lauraa]

Thomas:

I think what you lost was the love of your life. That never leaves us! Even after all those years. You will be together again someday......Thank you for sharing your feelings. It has been alittle over three years for me since I lost my husband and it is always on my mind.....he is closer to me than my own heart. Kindred spirits and forever soulmates. That is what you have, too.

[Tmystic]

Laura,

I read your post last night, and I wish to say the simplest of all things and sometimes the most difficult, "Thank you." Thank you for sharing yourself with me and us here.

Come walk and talk with me a while as friends do, and the load will be easier for both of us to carry.

Thank you.

Namaste Laura,

Thomas

Thomas:

I think what you lost was the love of your life. That never leaves us! Even after all those years. You will be together again someday......Thank you for sharing your feelings. It has been alittle over three years for me since I lost my husband and it is always on my mind.....he is closer to me than my own heart. Kindred spirits and forever soulmates. That is what you have, too.

[twilite]

My wife,friend, solemate and lover has been gone for almost 15months.

We were high school sweethearts, we found each other 38years ago and were married for 31 years. She passed suddenly while battling MS. Her passing caused more by the grocery list of drugs prescribed by "doctors" and smoking.

Today I just wanted to wake up from the worst nightmare of my life, put my arms around my wife and tell her about it, instead I just woke up, the nightmare goes on.

I had posted a few times here under a different name but I prefer to be a little more anonymous (so far as google searches go).

I miss her more than I can put in words. We truly were one being. I have dated a few times since and while the girls have been nice caring people I find myself longing for the one thing I can't have.

Exercise cures most of the pangs but some days I just can't run far enough. Sometimes I get so tired of "getting by" or "accomplishing"more things.

I really don't want new, I miss the familiar, the mundane the co-existance we shared.

I never would have been able to get this far without my loving daughters, they are my rocks, my anchors. My family structure is so different from what it was just 5 short years ago. My house always had noise, chatter,sounds from tv's radios pets et al. It is so quiet now, just me and the cat and she hardly makes a sound.

I just needed to vent and this seems like a good place to do it.

[mbrion]

My wife,friend, solemate and lover has been gone for almost 15months.

We were high school sweethearts, we found each other 38years ago and were married for 31 years. She passed suddenly while battling MS. Her passing caused more by the grocery list of drugs prescribed by "doctors" and smoking.

Today I just wanted to wake up from the worst nightmare of my life, put my arms around my wife and tell her about it, instead I just woke up, the nightmare goes on.

I had posted a few times here under a different name but I prefer to be a little more anonymous (so far as google searches go).

I miss her more than I can put in words. We truly were one being. I have dated a few times since and while the girls have been nice caring people I find myself longing for the one thing I can't have.

Exercise cures most of the pangs but some days I just can't run far enough. Sometimes I get so tired of "getting by" or "accomplishing"more things.

I really don't want new, I miss the familiar, the mundane the co-existance we shared.

I never would have been able to get this far without my loving daughters, they are my rocks, my anchors. My family structure is so different from what it was just 5 short years ago. My house always had noise, chatter,sounds from tv's radios pets et al. It is so quiet now, just me and the cat and she hardly makes a sound.

I just needed to vent and this seems like a good place to do it.

[mbrion]

I know what you are going through. My wife died on May 24, 2007. We found each other 26 years ago and were married for 20 years. Life is very different. I know the feeling of being alone in the house that is so quiet. The loneliness really hurts.

My wife,friend, solemate and lover has been gone for almost 15months.

We were high school sweethearts, we found each other 38years ago and were married for 31 years. She passed suddenly while battling MS. Her passing caused more by the grocery list of drugs prescribed by "doctors" and smoking.

Today I just wanted to wake up from the worst nightmare of my life, put my arms around my wife and tell her about it, instead I just woke up, the nightmare goes on.

I had posted a few times here under a different name but I prefer to be a little more anonymous (so far as google searches go).

I miss her more than I can put in words. We truly were one being. I have dated a few times since and while the girls have been nice caring people I find myself longing for the one thing I can't have.

Exercise cures most of the pangs but some days I just can't run far enough. Sometimes I get so tired of "getting by" or "accomplishing"more things.

I really don't want new, I miss the familiar, the mundane the co-existance we shared.

I never would have been able to get this far without my loving daughters, they are my rocks, my anchors. My family structure is so different from what it was just 5 short years ago. My house always had noise, chatter,sounds from tv's radios pets et al. It is so quiet now, just me and the cat and she hardly makes a sound.

I just needed to vent and this seems like a good place to do it.

[johngee]

Dear Twilite,

Like Mbrion, I know what you are feeling. My wife passed away March 1, 2006; nearly seventeen months ago. We were six months away from our 20th wedding anniversary and were together for almost two years before we were married. God brought us together and by both, joys and trials brought us ever closer to each other. Every corner of my life seems empty without her. We have four living children together, with eleven years between the older two and the younger two. Even though the younger two are still at home and need my care, their presents does not satisfy the loneliness brought about by my wife’s death.

I have not dated yet, as I have only met one girl that has even got my attention. I’m afraid to ask her out because I still feel emotionally fragile and don’t want anymore heartache in my life. I have no idea what the future will bring; I'll place it in God's hands and let Him work out the details. When I am comfortable doing so, I will take the next step.

I believe everything happens for a reason, but the reasoning behind this, our losses, escapes me. I continue to look to God for daily direction, wisdom, power, strength, comfort and peace. Most of the time, He is right there blessing me, but occasionally, I can’t seem to recover from the illness brought about by the loneliness of missing my wife. It’s at those times, waking from a good night’s sleep generally provides a different, if not clearer view.

John

[lauraa]

Hello to all you guys:

I am sorry you have to travel this road. It is so very difficult. I relate to everything you all write. The lonliness strikes right through the heart. I agree at hard it would be to be in another relationship in order to not get hurt again or that I could handle more stress. It has been alittle over three years for me. I am moving on but the hole in my heart remains. I feel so alone in this world. My three kids keep me going. My faith has been shaken, for sure. I feel that I am just idling. So far, I don't like gods plan. I find that when I am busy with my kids I have to stuff my feelings more but find when they are gone the pain surfaces.

Thomas, Johngee and everyone: I understand your pain, your not alone even if it feels that way because I know it does. Stay strong!

Blessings

[lauraa]

Thomas:

Thank you for your kind words. I feel everyone here are friends. We all have a special bond even tough we have never met. There is an energy I feel from everyone here who has lost so deeply. There is understanding here that we don't get from the real world.

Namaste, Thomas

[Tmystic]

Lauraa,

What is really difficult for me after all these years is the loneliness that I feel. I could be in a crowded room and feel so disconnected from everyone there. I miss the connection that I had with my wife, and that I lost her so very soon. I miss the smell of her hair, and the taste of her strawberry lip gloss. Most of all, I miss the future we never had, the home we never had, the children we never had nor could have; and it all hurts so very much to have lost so much so soon. It makes me cry even today and now.

I wonder how I was able to move on from those early years. It amazes me still. What amazes me is that I was able to come through that at all.

Thank you,

Thomas

Thomas:

Thank you for your kind words. I feel everyone here are friends. We all have a special bond even tough we have never met. There is an energy I feel from everyone here who has lost so deeply. There is understanding here that we don't get from the real world.

Namaste, Thomas

[lauraa]

Thomas:

I know the lonliness. It has been alittle over three years for me and it does seem everyone else has forgotten but not me.....I know that feeling of being in a room with people and feeling so alone. I mostly try to avoid that. My motto is "less is more" and "small does". That is how I manage my life now for my survival. I don't know how I survived this either. I still am in stages of numbness. He is on my mind constantly and I talk to him all the time. I can still see every inch of his body. His silouette, eyes, nose, ears, hair, limbs, legs, arms, his walk, his smell, smile. I loved everything about him and I feel like a lost little puppy dog and I am. The only thing I can say for me is thank god I have our children....they have kept me here.

Please know that I totally know how you feel. I am thankful to have you express your feelings.

[Tmystic]

Lauraa,

Thank you so much. I appreciate that you share yourself with us and with me here. It gives us the courage to share ourselves as well. Thank you.

I know you know the loneliness. We all do. I just don\'t know whether I have let myself or been able to grieve those parts of losing my wife before, if that makes any sense at all. I know that it has been here, but it is so hard and so difficult and so sad. I lost so much and so many dreams.

My family, my mom especially says, "Why are you still hanging on to all of this stuff?" She does not understand that it was all that I had at the time, and in the space of a day and night, I lost them all. Please don't misunderstand I love my family very much. It just makes this part of my life difficult to talk about.

All I have left now are the memories of what I had and what we were, and what we meant to one another.

Again with my thanks,

Thomas

[bandit1716]

I have written to this post a few times.Its been a year and a half next week sence Sharon passed away.I can tell you newbees that it is still very tough.The first thing I had to realize was that she was not coming back.And yes I still have that problem. Then you ask yourself did she really love me as much as I do her.You get stupid questions in your mind. Friends and realitives say Larry you need to date someone.Well I am not close to being ready.My daily life is still very shallow.I don't care what anyone said ,I don't care about living. I have tried everyones solution and it don't work. I am still pluging along ,but believe me if the right time presents itself I will take advantage of it. Larry

[Guest Guest]

I am new to this forum. My wife of 26 years years passed away 13 months ago at age 49. I am pleased to say that I am emerging from the desert and doing well. I have learned so much about myself over the last several months. I am so proud of all that I have conquered and it has been a real source of strength. I felt I had to join this forum and share. If you just take the time to praise yourself for your own courage and determination to keep on living life as best as you can even after suffering a great loss, you will draw enormous strength. I have focused on being the best father to my three daughters, taking good care of my health and trusting my faith. I used to think I was a strong person but now I am really powerful! Now I look forward to tomorrow. I can't wait to see how much better and stronger I will be!

[twilite]

As I have said, I lost my wife 17 months ago. My life has been been an emotional roller coaster since.

I mentioned before how the importance of a good exercise routine had been benificial towards my acceptance of the passing of my wife of 31 years. I was pretty much summarily rebuked on the womens board. Doctors prescriptions seem to rule the world right now (I'm not judging just observing)and probably will for eons to come.

If I allow myself to dwell on what was I would have never gotten to the place I am now. I miss my wife every day. I have however met a wonderful woman that I have been enjoying the company of for a little over a month. She is different than my wife in so many ways . I do not compare them. My wife had her special qualities, this girl has a completely different set of equally attractive qualities.

I guess the reason I am writing this is to make the statement that for me life has gone on. For the first time in 17 months I wake up happy. I can finally sit at home alone and eat dinner by myself and not feel like the book titled "My life" is over, rather a new chapter is starting.

I owe this in large part to my daughters who continue to be my rocks, and my diet and exercise routine (for the most part running).

I dated a few girls but this is the first time I feel a "relationship" is in the offing and I have to admit it really feels good. It really is nice to feel wanted again.

If and when the time comes for others to move on you might know it, you might not. The new people you meet will pretty much come from nowhere even though they have been around for years. I guess I'm trying to offer a word of advice that seems to have worked really well for me . Welcome the change, as wonderful as the past was it still remains the past. Make the best of every day, love your family above all. Any descent person will respect and honor that love and accept it as part of what you are. And most of all treat yourself the way you would treat your S.O. if you had the opportunity to again. It's a tribute to yourself, your family and your s.o.

PEACE

[crushedheart]

Reading your post twilite...I lost my husband just a little more then 2 months ago...He was the Love of my Life...and I was his ...your post gives me hope that I can go on and live...even tho right now it seems impossible...thanks for such an uplifting...

[grannyc]

Hi Guys;

This is my first Stop at your site.

Its good to here the feelings and insight from the other side. It sounds like, tho, the male part of a marriage is ready faster to get on and still live a life faster then the female. I am a Widow of almost 15 months, and I exist from day to day. Sometimes when the opportunity arises I go with some gal friends and we can have a nice time. But, these are all friends that if I need to talk about my Tim, I can and they welcome it.

Dear Bandit1716, you sound more like where I am. Really nothing in life to look forward to anymore. My children and grandchildren are Great, but they are not Tim. I am on the outside looking in.

Sincerely,

GrannyCheryl

[alspco]

Guest who posted July 6, 2007: I got a chill reading your post because it is the day my husband died. . .of lung cancer. . .just like your wife. He - just like her - never smoked and was incredibly fit and healthy until he was diagnosed. I truly am so terribly sorry for your loss - it's not a platitude - I really do know the pain. My husband was the love of my life too. We have to try to believe that they are still with us, and remember that they would not want us to be miserable. I hope you see this.

[bandit1716]

Cranny c . We are at the age that being widowed is the pitts.My kids are grown with there own kids. Yes they love me. But they have there own lives and problems. My Mother lives in a apartment in back of my home that I built for her.I can't go anywhere or sell the home because of that.She is 92 yo. and blind. I will not let her down. In doing so I am tied down. I would love to take my dogs and travel. That was what my wife and I was going to do.We made so many plans that have went to hell. I am lost and don't care about anything at this point. I feel that I am a burdon to everyone I know. I don't act out my feelings but in my mind I wonder what they are thinking. I hate this.I heard this the other day. You never forget the death of your spouse you just get thru it. Well I don't like getting thru it. Larry

[crushedheart]

I feel the same way Bandit..I took care of my dad...he was bed ridden ...and passed away 2 weeks after my husband died...he was 84 ..and we expected him to go at any time..my husband was so sudden and so unexpected...and I don't like getting through this either...My children and grand kids can't fill this big ol hole in my heart...I have no purpose here now... that double whammy got me ..Oh God how I miss my husband ...the plans we made for next year...his retirement in April .....going places doing the things we never had the time for when we was working and raising the kids...I am just numb ...and so LOST!

[twilite]

Last week I had this long reply typed up and when I went to submit it it went back to the log in page and I hadn't copied it to my notebook AARG.

I don't know Granny if men are ABLE to move on faster but in my case I had to put a ton of effort into it. Simple things got me down so low I couldn't see above the pile that had amassed. I was down lonely and depressed realizing I didn't know the first thing about cleaning a house, doing laundry (I had been doing the shopping for a while). I paid a cleaning service and when that just got to expensive I asked for tips and started cleaning it myself. It brought me down to see that I could clean it (it looks better now than when the cleaning service was here). My accomplishments got me down. I just can't live like that anymore.

As far as seeing other people, I kind of had it handed to me. My neighbors(young kids)had divorced mothers around my age. Again at first I'd come home , lean against the door and ask why, how and what the hell was going on in my life which we had scripted for the next 15-20 years. I didn't and don't want to live in pain for the rest of my life. My daughters wedding (2 1/2 months after my wife passed away)was the first time I made a significant "gesture" of my present situation. When the pastor asked who gives this bride I was going to say her mother and I do, but after much soul searching I decided to say "I" do. I know it was only symbolic but I made a statement to myself.

Being a half A@@ed runner helps me get past the depression that always tries to bring me down. As I said before I miss my wife, but some things I just can't change try as I may. I loved her with all my heart, I love my daughters with all my heart. I'm involved with a beautiful girl that accepts my past life as part of what I am. I talk and have talked probably to much to her about my wife and she asks me pertinent questions about our relationship. I am NOT looking to replace my wife, what was was. I'm grateful for what I had. I'm grateful for what I have now.

Crushedheart, your at the beginning of a new journey,people will tell you how long to grieve, how to grieve and even if you have grieved enough or long enough. Follow your heart listen to your mind and body. When your down PRY yourself off of the couch or bed, do something. I spent a lot of time this summer walking the boardwalk my wife and I walked when we were kids so many years ago. I've made my peace with myself (at least for today). Treat yourself as good as you can, your going to need it and when you do eventually you'll welcome the pat on the back (you probably don't even know you can reach that far).

[bandit1716]

Have you who has lost a loved one found that people seem to be getting tired of your sadness. Maybe thats not the way to say it but even her sister,daughter have all but abandon me. I have my children ,and I am blessed. My kids have never said dad its time.My neighbors are more sympathic than her kids. I take flowers to the graveside and call them to see if they want to go. We would like to BUT we have other things to do. My son told me one time dad if you don't feel like going I will take the flowers out for you.I guess blood is thicker. She brought them into this world.She left them each a lot of money. All I hear , you haven't changed your will have you. I lied and said no. I wrote them each a letter .Upon my death they can read the truth and why.To all of people that have lost a love one. Try and read between the lines. DON'T make ANY decision's for at the very least a YEAR.This is good advice for all of you .Even if you think you are ready you aren't. Larry

[crushedheart]

Oh yes indeed Larry ..they say the reason they don't like talking or coming around me is because I CRY...I wish they knew Crying is NOT something I like to do ..Tears just come on their own ..If it wasn't for my 2 daughters and grandson ...I would be alone on this planet...But ya know something it's opened my eyes wider about other folks around here going through this ..I hope and Pray I can be there for them ...hang on to them for ever how long it takes them to walk through this ..No one should walk this road alone and ignored...That's good advice about waiting a year before any decision's ..

[jpellet903]

Test, please ignore

[grannyc]

:? Wow, the pain and the successes,  I appreciate reading all of them.    It can still be a struggle for me, like today for no reason I can find~I was hit so hard with complete urning and need to be with my Tim.  It was very hard to get through.

Then, I can also struggle with my lack of self esteem & struggles with my inner self.   Why that has become such an issue for me at this time is beyond me.....I'm not sure I am liking the person I may be becoming. . .My answer to everything more now than ever is to just isolate and I do it so very well!

And lastly,  these darn holidays coming and ours seem to be just not getting planned easily.  Things we have done with people for over thirty years, this year we cannot find mutual days.  WoW  lets go to no traditions or memories at all.............................And OH that Christmas Music starting in all the stores around here since the 1st of Nov.   Its hard, just no other way to put it!

Just, GrannyCheryl

[crushedheart]

Me too Granny ...I'm learing to hide my feelings so very well tho ...I put on a face of getting along very nicely when I run into someone  I know in the stores now.....But  my heart is still just as crushed...especially now with the holidays coming  on ..I was in Walmarts this afternoon...I did ok....until I had to go in the Christmas section...( I want to tree trip every Christmas tree in there to)...then my world feel apart again ..and holding back those tears...and trying to  keep my dignity in a public place just about choked me todeath ..I'm doing good considering tho .. well let's just say I'm getting really good at hiding my feelings...

Reading those posts from the new folks...absolutely breaks my heart..well  Take Care Granny ...Hope you feel better...hugssssss and prayers

[bandit1716]

Well here I sit  trying to make my mind do something that I don't want it to do. Be happy, that Christmas is around the corner.Problem is that my pritty lady isn't here. Oh how I miss her. Her little body just couldn't go anymore.This is the second Christmas without her. I always shopped so hard to find something special ,hoping she would be proud that I thought so much of her. The tears are flowing and I can hardly see to type. I held her in my arms till the last night. I wouldn't let them move her from our bed. Then the last night we were together they insisted [Hospice]that she be moved.She passed that night. I find it harder every day. I can't get over this. I have prayed that God take me and soon. I want to be with my lady. My life is so complated ,I can't figure things out.

[johngee]

Hi Larry,

I dont' have much to say. I understand your feelings. Some days I feel the same way. "This too, shall pass"; hang in.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

Your Brother in God and in sorrow,

John

[grannyc]

:? Hi!

Bandit1716, My heart breaks for you and wish I could hear anything like that from my hubby.  I know that's the relationship we had and I am like a fish out of water without it.    All the things he did for us, car buying, chores around here, my sounding board when I thought the world was out to get ME, etc.   Its all gone, its been 18 months now.  Oh God, how have I ever made it this far?????  Maybe I haven't even made it.......................Maybe, I just breathe in and out and I am so far from making anything, anywhere, etc.......

I have not neccessarily felt like I've fit even into this board, I am always on the outside looking in. No matter where or what I am doing.   I can smile, I can seem fine,  I act like I am moving forward, but nights like this  I want to scream to the world  ""This pain is so intense, physically, mentally and spiritually""  I cannot imagine getting to a point where life could be OK and Tim still not being back with me...........................My very dearest friend told me last week that I still have decades that I could have another beautiful relationship like I had IF I'd only allow that to happen!!?  HuH!   She don't get it ~ Does She!?

I think of getting so drunk I don't know my name,  Maybe THEN I could let out all this JunK I am holding in....I need to scream, swear, just get outside myself and let it go..................BUT,  I would never do that..NO not I.

Oh Good Night, All~I guess to bed is my answer for this moment

Sincerely,

GrannyCheryl

[bandit1716]

I am going on two years. My 92 yo mother lives in back of my home. I am locked in this house and I hate it. I was told give it a year. That hasn't helped . I miss her more each day. I know better but I am hoping she will come back to me.I am not doing well at all . Good luck to you. Larry

[grannyc]

Bandit (Larry)

I, too am having an awful time of it.   I have been told all along that the second year is the worst.  We are now in what is suppose to be our life's schedule and they are no longer in it, so it is worse for us now than the first year..................That's what I've been told at my Grief Group.

Today it seems saddness and loss have been my feelings and its been over 18months for me.....I was with my husband since I was 15.  And, now at 56 I'm not sure there could be life without him........................Hardly seems possible after days like today.

Does it ever help you to think, we are at least blest being able to have the years we had with our soulmates.  Rather than never having had them in our lives at all?     Some times I can get my mind around that and it helps, but sometimes its just not possible, but I know I am a better person becuz of my husband and no one will ever love me, like he did.

Praying for YOU!

GrannyCheryl     <)))><

[grannyc]

:? Bandit1716,

Been thinking alot about your pain and sadness.   Does your mother need alot of care?  Do you have to be reponsible for that?   That, would truly be draining and not helpful for you at all.

I sure hope you can find some peace and have some better days.  I can have such awful ones, its hard to hear someone else so down.

Praying for you,

GrannyCheryl  :shock:

[bandit1716]

Thanks Cheryl, Yes I have to take care of my mother. She is 93 yo.nearly blind.I guess that when I ask others that lost a spouse they said I would feel better in a year. Well that did not happen. It will be two years this April 25. I know I shouldn't do this ,as I pray every nite I ask God to take me. I just feel so lonley and down all the time. I visit her grave about once a month. I was told to quit that and take her pictures down .I know that it sounds stupid but I talk to her picture.I truly loved that lady . Larry

[grannyc]

Larry,

Good for you!!!  You do whatever YOU need to do for you!   I talk to Tim all the time!  And, just lately a couple things occurred that I just knew what he would have said had he been here and it made me chuckle.     My table next to the bed has pictures of Tim and I and family from all different seasons of our 37 yrs.  Sometimes I hug a picture.  Until a person is on our path they don't have a clue.  I suppose we didn't either, did we?

In my grief group we were told the second year is the worst.  The first we spend time in shock and stagger blindly.  By the second year, we have some type of existance and it is now without them.  We've had to do or go on without them and they aren't even in our daily routine, that's why second years are awful.

Next week I hit 20 months. Yuk YuK!  I, too, so desire my old life back.  Just to snuggle again, oh no.  Here comes the tears.....

Take Care of Larry and listen to no one but your heart

Later,  Cheryl

[angelmissing]

Larry,

My heart breaks for you !  I keep you in my prayers.  I can hear your pain.  It has only been a little over 2 weeks since I lost my fiance.. & I plan on keeping his pictures up for as long as I live..I talk to his pictures every morning & night. I even kiss them.  I also hug a pillow he slept on ..I guess to try to sense his presence. I also have prayed for God to send my Mark a message.. I do this often.. to let him know I love him & need some strength to make it day by day because I miss him so much.  I also pray & invision God cuddling my Mark. 

Larry, I know I can't do much, but I will pray for you & be your friend..as I need a friend also...Will you be my friend on this site? 

I am glad that you come to this site, as all of us here, even thou we wish we never had a reason to visit it, we can try to draw strength from one another.  I admire you for taking that step ..to talk on here..to reach out to others..I know that is a big step in itself. I am proud of you.

Again I have you in my prayers. 

 

 

[bandit1716]

Angel I have never ask anyone this question. Have you been able to talk to your spouse. I have tried and thought I was ,her voice was clear. Then one day I found out I could change her answers. So that was a bust. It would seem to me that if there is a heaven God would give us a chance to comunicate once in a while. At this time I don't think I will be able to handle April 25 th, two years sence passing. I think I will just stay in bed all day and greve. No matter who or how many people you see and talk to ,you always end up home alone. Thanks again Larry

[armaiti]

Larry, Ishaq has come to me in dreams.  They are "lucid" dreams where I know my body is somewhere else; I know that Ishaq has left his body, but he looks like him, a bit younger maybe (he was 55).  He has also responded to me with signs in nature.  Once when I was worried about something and talking to him about it on a bridge over the river, an eagle - or maybe a turkey vulture, which is a messenger from the other side as well - flew right over me and circled me once right at that moment.  Things like that have happened too often to be coincidences.  I talk to Ishaq all the time too.  I think our beloveds watch over us; I think they can be "busy" at times too, learning new things, so they aren't always right there.  Ishaq has come back to guide me and let me know he loves me enough over these past nineteen months that I know he still exists, just in another form.

You will see your beloved again one day.  It is hard to walk this earth in our bodies without them, but there is still beauty here, in the forests and rivers and flowers...that is where I find my peace.  And where I find Ishaq, too.  He died in a river, laughing, of a blood clot in his heart.  So he is always at one, I think, with nature and the wild waters of Oregon here.

Blessings,

Anna

[bandit1716]

My daughter lives in Ohio.Ohio was my home state. We all moved to Texas, but she went back to Ohio and married. I have ask her repetedly to be here for my birthday, which is a few days before I lost my Sharon. She has a Blind 93yo Grandmother who lives with me also. My daughter has been to Vegas ,Florida and other places. I can't understand why she is ignoring me. I know she loves me.There is a good chance my heart will not make it thru all this. My son who has been great will be here ,I have to asume he is getting  tired this OLD man. Larry

[aurora]

Larry,  Some people just don't know what to say to a bereaved person so they avoid them. That may be what your daughter is doing. She may not be able to handle her own feelings about death so she avoids anything to do with it. You have to find and stick with the people that can handle hearing about your grief or just be there with you. Take Care!

[Error username not found]

 hi larry.. i know how you feel. lately ive been reaalllly crushed all over again and i dont know what to do. its been almost 1 year & 7 months. i just dont know anymore. i miss him so much and sometimes lately i feel his presence the way i would if he were standing right there. i miss him soo much im just broken. i cant sleep and i toss and turn. i sleep in our bed with his pillows and clothes.. and i also talk to his picture, and kiss it..and hug it. its kinda like you feel like it's them. i just feel lost because we have a son together and he'll never know his father. he still remembers him and sees his pictures and calls him daddy.. but it kills me to know he wont ever really have him. also.. i think its interesting that alot of women are posting here.. actually.. i came here to read posts from men, so i could see how he might have felt it it were the other way around.. and as much as it actually hurts to live like this, i would rather it be me because i would never want him to miss me and long for me like this.

just remember.. shes around.. i know its hard because im going through the same thing and sometimes i feel like hes nowhere to be found.. but when i think about it, he has come alot, and i know he always will. and dont listen to people who have no idea what your going through because i feel like everyone else just wants you to feel better so they dont have to feel sorry for you anymore. wudever.. do whateveer you want. feel better.

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Kelly]

The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947