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My grandad died unexpectedly


Alberto

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My grandad died in may 2012 unexpectedly , he was perfectly healthy but went to bed and that was it. He was basically a father to me and I thought the world of him! He really was the centre of the family. Im struggling to get past it as he was such a big part of my life, everything reminds me of him and life just isn't and can't be the same anymore. I'm struggling to carry on as normal at work as a nursery assistant and am feeling the pressure to be back to my normal happy jokey self!!! which just adds more stress! I'm also absolutley dreading Xmas and wish it would just disappear!! Grandad used to play Santa for the local children and we grew up thinking he was Santa helper, so Xmas has always been associated with grandad. I really don't want to celebrate it at all, but there's no escaping it! Especially at work . is it normal to feel like this 7 months on? xx

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MeNMyGrandmaD

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your granddad. Thank you for sharing your story about your granddad playing Santa. Do you suppose you could take on that role this year? It would be a way to carry on his legacy and I'm sure he would be very proud of you. I've also found that focusing on other people's troubles puts mine in perspective and just plain makes me feel better.

My grandmother lived with us when I was an infant and our family had Sunday dinners around her table for twenty years. So I could really relate to what you said about how your granddad practically raised you and was the patriarch of your family.

Grandma died this summer after battling Alzheimer's for nearly a decade (the fifth person in our family to get the disease, but the first to die from it). I thought that I was done grieving, but today I was hit with a wave of sadness that seemed to come out of nowhere. That quickly followed by feeling aggravated at myself for feeling sad. A quick text message to my brother, who was there with me and also holding her hand the day Grandma died, confirmed that he's been having the same struggles. I think something about the intensity of being the only two family members there when she died is making it harder for us to let go, though it gives me an odd sense of closure, too. I find myself resenting other family members who seem to be completely "over it," as if it's a sign that they didn't care enough or aren't feeling the loss as deeply as I am. My feelings seem to be up and down and I too have been wondering if this is normal. I have really been trying to hold it together, but I find myself crying when I'm alone in the shower or on the car ride home from work. Like I've bottled it up all day and when I'm alone is the only time I give myself permission to fall apart a bit.

Really, whether it's been 4 or 7 months, that's not long at all to get used to the rest of our lives spent with only memories of our loved ones. And it's the first holiday without our favorite grandparent, which we had to know would be kind of hellish (I bawled my head off on what would have been my grandma's birthday, so there's one awful anniversary down). I think we need to cut ourselves some slack, especially over the holidays. I hope you can find joy and peace this holiday season, or at the very least, a "new normal." And I hope the wonderful memories of time spent with your granddad bring you comfort.

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Thank you for your response. I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. It's nice to hear you understand how I feel and to know its not just me. I too struggle with other family members who seem to be over it although I know their not really, they're just better at coping and being normal than me! I hope you too can find some peace over Xmas, and yes birthdays are horrible but I'm sure in the future we'll be able to celebrate their birthdays.

I have been feeling extra down last few days and was spoken to by a few friends and a manager at work, they have mentioned a few times how I should speak to someone professional, does this mean they think I'm going mad?!? Or just being silly about it all?

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Hi K8y47,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss of your grandfather... I remember when my grandpa died ~9 years ago... just like your grandpa.. he was healthy...

As MeNMyGrandmaD wisely said, it is completely 'new normal' the feelings you experience now... something that really helped me is that I had to support my grandma during this event, even that our family is super close and very supportive, all of us had a role in supporting my grandma and each other.

At first I didn't cry or anything, somehow I felt like a rock, no emotions but helping everyone.. my mission was to support others instead of focusing on my own grief... time went by and I started to feel my own emotions about his departure... I did cry whenever I wanted, remember the good times... and still do...

Also, somehow... I decided to see my grandpa departure as if he's leading our family (as he used to be) into the other side... I'm sure he's fully alive and even happier than before... this makes me very, very happy because I know I'll see him again... I also feel him, mostly whenever I'm working on my garden (he loves gardening/flowers/plants...) so it's my secret time with him!!! There are so many things I'm learning from him, even he's on the other side... he'll always be the leader...

for many years our x-mass were not the same... (my grandpa died over the x-mass period) so the holidays were heavy but we were able to manage our emotions and moved on...

with time you will allow yourself to enjoy life again to the fullest... even more because your grandpa will keep in touch with you!!!

Thank you for sharing... you and your grandpa gave me (or us) a beautiful moment to remember how blessed we all are...

With Love and Respect,

Alberto

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