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Heldransom

Suicide attemp survivors.

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Heldransom

In September of 2008 I tried to commit suicide. It was late at night, I felt like my life was going nowhere. I was lost. I was 18 years old. I laying in my room at about 2am and I decided to kill myself. I found all of my prescription medicine that I could. I laid everything out on the bed and looked at each pill for what felt like a lifetime. Finally, I grabbed a bottle of water and began to take each pill. There were about 30 total of various pills. After taking them all I went to sleep hoping to never wake up again. I don't remember much after that but I woke up 3 days later in a psych ward. From what my parents told me, they found me the next afternoon at around 1pm. I was propped up against a wall. Blood and vomit covered the floor and walls. I had cuts all over my body and I looked as if I was dead. They said I had tried to get up in the middle of the night to try to get help and tripped over an aquarium and it shattered leaving deep cuts all over my body. I had knicked an arterie and was slowly bleeding out. I was told about 20 or so minutes and I would have been dead. It took me 2 days to convince the hospital staff that it wasn't a suicice attempt and they let me go home. My parents believed it was an overdose of my medicine cause by a wrong prescription prescribed to me by a doctor. Since then I have struggled with many suicidal feelings and guilt. Should I have died? Would everyone have been better without me around? Why couldn't my plan have just worked? I feel emotionally numb. I don't love people, I don't hate people, I don't feel anything at all. I stay up for days on end just held up in my room alone. I put on a fake smile everyday to keep people from knowing the truth. I have a heart condition that causes me to have frequent seizures and I was told every time I have one there is a 50% chance that I won't wake up. I found that out a month before my attempt. I keep it to myself so that no one worries about me. What good would that do anyway? It won't help things or make me better. The doctors said they can't operate on me until I'm in dire need. But by then it'll be too late. Why go on everyday when there's always a chance I won't wake up tomorrow. This is my life. This is what I go through everyday. The few people I told about my condition just abandon me because they don't wanna be close to someone who's just gonna die.

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Angel'sSon

On August 15th, 2012...My 30 yr. old son had a great job, wife and baby girl. He showed no signs of being suicidal. His wife went to bed and my son said he would be there in a little bit. She heard a loud bang and found my son on their couch where he had shot himself in the head. No one knows why he did it. I usually post in loss of a child, but I saw your post and decided to send you this message. After 7 weeks I'm still in a daze and can't even concentrate at times. My son's family and friends are all devistated by what he did. I'm telling you this because when a person commits suicide everyone they leave behind are hurt and it seems so unreal. It wasn't your time to go, that's why you are still here. No, I can tell you for a fact that everyone would not be better off without you around. I don't know if there is a hotline you can call that will help you deal with not feeling anything at all and staying in your room. Listen to what I am saying, you can get get help. There are counselors too. I have to see a counselor because my son shot himself. I am still a wreck because my son is not here with me!!!! it hurts so bad!!!! Keep writing on this site!!!!!

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lenaleanna

Heldransom, I'm sorry you have these feelings. My mother committed suicide last year. I have no idea what she was thinking. Earlier this year I had a melt-down and ended up "vacationing" in the mental ward of our hospital. Life really is worth living. I know at times it seems so hard and it may seem like there is nothing to live for but believe me, life changes so quickly and one day this pain will be behind you. Keep posting and please keep talking.People do really care!!!

Jeannie

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Angel'sSon

Jeannie,,,11 days I ended up in the mental ward of the hospital for 5 days. I just wanted to be with my son...I only added more to my family and friends. I realize that I have to live for my family. Each day I think about my son. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. My son's baby girl is 10 months old today and started walking. It makes me sad that my son didn't see her taking those steps. I go to a counselor and I don't think it's helping as much as me being on here everyday. You said it Jeannie, People do care!!!!!

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jmah27

Hey all, I read all your stories and was amazed at them all. Seeing it come out of no where is a shock and pain.No one wants to feel.

I lost my mom last year and It was the hardest year of my life.It still affects me to this day. Because of her suicide. I've Lost both my parents with in the last 18 months. and Glad to say i'm still alive.

I'm so sorry to those who shared their stories. I'd like to say it gets better but. Its missing someone every day that doesnt change.

Suicide is the worst. Because They chose to leave.

And Its a whole different type of pain then regular grievance.

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Angel'sSon

Hey all, I read all your stories and was amazed at them all. Seeing it come out of no where is a shock and pain.No one wants to feel.

I lost my mom last year and It was the hardest year of my life.It still affects me to this day. Because of her suicide. I've Lost both my parents with in the last 18 months. and Glad to say i'm still alive.

I'm so sorry to those who shared their stories. I'd like to say it gets better but. Its missing someone every day that doesnt change.

Suicide is the worst. Because They chose to leave.

And Its a whole different type of pain then regular grievance.

You are so right...Suicide is worse!! My son shot himself on Aug. 15th, 2012. A part of me is still in shock. I hate to say that after Dustin passed, I couldn't handle it and my boyfriend found me in the bathroom. I spent 5 days in the mental ward of the hospital with gauge around my wrists. I now know I can't be with my son and I just have to take it one day at a time. I miss him so much!!!! But, I have to take one day at a time!!!!

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leyla

Hi there. I'm leyla from cape town , south africa. My hubby comitted suicide on sept 5th.I am not sure why but I guess its due to the economy. What's sad is that we planned a holiday and he chatted to me while he was on his way to commit suicide, telling me he is on his way home. I feel alone and empty cause I resigned from my workplace in july 2012. Life has been unbearable. With no job and a 3 year old its crazy. My hubby was my inlaws only son and they cut me off completely when he died. I feel like dying every second cause I have no support from my family or anyone. I knw we should pray and believe but I can't.. I have given up all hope

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Chano the Great

I too tried to commit suicide last year. I had found out that I was terminal and then my wife left me for a man she was having an affair and that they were going to be having a baby. shortly after that my dog passed away, and that point something just snapped. I couldn't see any reason to keep suffering through all the things, especially when was already dying. I took as many different prescriptions as I could swallow and hold down. I fell out on the living room floor. Had it not been for showing up to surprise me and seeing melying on the floor through the window in the door, I would've succeeded. thankfully I awoke 2 days lafer in mandatory psychiatric observation for 2 weeks. I still struggled to understand what the point continuing to suffer when I alread gonna anyway, but I decided to keep on trying to live even if its just for a small amount of time. I just came to see that life was taking me and I have no control over that. I realised that having the power and control to do it or not and choosing to do it, is far worse, because all you're doing is causig far more pain, anguish and destruction. At that moment I decided that I wanted to run from my fear and anguish and pain and leave everyone who loves me behind to suffer and deal with the guilt and pain. I finally realised how selfish and cruel I had been and never wanted to that again.

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Silvergirl61

i hope you can find a single reason to hang on..any time you start to struggle with this thought..just one to focus on..and keep it right in front of you..then call for help...and talk to someone. There are answers, and there is hope to be found..but you have to be here for it to happen. Peace to any of you reading this...and remember, there is always time to do it later, but there is never time to take it back.

There can be a tomorrow that is better than today.

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Chano the Great

There is a saying in the Hindu faith that says "everything will be alright in the end, so if everything is not alright, then it cannot yet be the end." I discovered this saying after my suicide attempt, and I realised that there is some much beauty and hope in that one simple statement. I truly believe that you really do need to find just one beautiful thing everyday to focus on and help you forget the ugliness and negativity even if it's only for brief moments at a time. The one thing that keeps me going every day, is that I always find a way to see the beauty within the squalor. Thank you to everyone who posts on here to help inspire and encourage people. Bless you. I know first hand that sometimes the most important things land be something as simple as a kind gesture from a stranger. As a terminally ill person and also a suicide survivor, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who participates and take the time to care.

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katrinasmommy2011

I attempted to commit suicide on july 5th 2013. I took thirteen pills six zoloft and seven amatriplines which affect the heart. My gf found me and told my parents. My mom called 911 and its weird bcuz i could hear everything going on but i couldnt tlk. And at the hospital i remember trying 2 drink the gross charcole bt passing out my mom says i got my stomach pumped and was rushed 2 ICU cuz my heart was giving out. I feel really bad bcuz i dnt remember a lot about tht day bcuz i was in a coma tht no1 thought i would awake frm im glad i didnt succeed i have a wonderful family and a beautiful daughter. I love everything about my life bt i was molested as a child and raped as a teenager and couldnt keep the secret anymore i also self harm bcuz i feel so numb most of the time

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