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matt10e

Not getting easier

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dsmurph

Thank you Dean G. Today Emily has been gone 12 weeks. I listened to her music and cried all afternoon. I miss everything about her. I am saddened by the fact that she had such a short life. She had such a good spirit about her. She would have been something great. I hope you find some sort of peace and comfort through others. It is such a lonely place. Get through any way you can. don't let anyone tell you how to do it. Find your way. Blessings

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AmyM

Dean G., I haven't really cried over my loss, either, and I learned of Mark's suicide on September 11. Honestly, it wasn't until about two weeks ago that I finally shed a few tears. I was really missing Mark that day, and I ended up having an argument with my mom on the same day. She hurt my feelings, and then I all of a sudden snapped and started crying. I do not know why some people can't cry when they lose someone (I wanted so desperately to cry but could not for whatever reason, so I would actually pray to God to give me the ability to cry for an hour). In my case, I guess it was due to shock and numbness for a long time followed by a period of anger (which I still have some of). Or maybe I had so much I had to deal with at the time that I could not afford to actually mourn. Don't feel bad or guilty that you have not cried. It does not mean you did not love your best friend, or that their passing means less to you than anyone else. Everyone grieves in different ways.

Michele, thank you for your words. I understand what your daughter felt. There were times when I honestly thought I was going to fail out of college in my final semester. I also had to talk to my professors, ask for extensions here and there, and drop any responsiblilty or organization membership I did not absolutely have to do. Some of my professors were more understanding and accomodating than I ever could have imagined; others (one in particular) showed no mercy and made my already shattered life even more of a living hell. I took it hour by hour, and just kept moving forward. I did not make grades that I am particularly proud of, but I passed nonetheless. I will say that walking across the stage to receive my diploma was the most proudest moment of my life. i graduated against all odds. I pray that your daugter's final semester is much better than her fall semester.

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thegirl

8 months today. 8 stupid, empty, lonely months. I'm so tired. Mentally and physically. I took a nap today- big mistake. If I try to nap, I wake up and go straight into a panic attack every time. I'm sick of fighting with the feeling of "it never happened." I'm sick of physically feeling like I did before we started dating- like my life wasn't right. I'm sick of not being able to remember everything. I feel like if I can get a strong enough memory, I can go back to it.

I'm starting to feel like I just don't know how to live because it seems like I just do it wrong- it all goes wrong, it all feels wrong, it all feels empty. I wish there was a way to retire an identity and trade for a different one. I'm so tired of being me.

I want a reset button to go back to when things were ok. I miss the person I he was when we started dating, I'm sad at how he changed and started to make me feel unwanted and unloved- that those are the memories I have, the doubts I keep going over. I hate that I have to keep going over how I was in my mind- I wasn't the girlfriend I wanted to be, the one I had pictured myself being. I stopped being my happy self and consciously numbed myself and my reactions. If I'd been more positive, I'd have been more resistant to everything that was going on.

His brother came back from a trip today. He looked like he was doing really well, and was talking about it excitedly, and talking about a new trip he was planning with a friend- the one my boyfriend had been ditching me for at the end. I couldn't help but wonder how much it would have helped if I had taken him on one. I had the resources- I just didn't do it.

I feel so guilty about so much. I feel like if I wasn't the cause, I was at least the catalyst. A therapist had said "people who are arguing in relationships don't kill themselves." But people who feel abandoned do. And I believe I made him feel abandoned or at least be afraid he was going to be abandoned.

I'm just so tired. I want to go back. I want to go home. I want everything to be how it was when it was ok.

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dsmurph

I truly pray that you stop being so hard on yourself. I know some of your feelings. I feel them from time to time. I think it is natural to feel guilt to some degree. but, would our Father or your boyfriend really want you to be in this state? Or would they want you to learn to live, and get through this each and every day, to get up and do because you have to. Your spirit still has growing to do. You are needed, whether you realize it now or not. One day you will be used to help someone else. Make yourself push everyday to get through this. You will be a blessing to someone else one day. Debbie

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thegirl

If he didn't want me to be in this state, he shouldn't have done what he did. He shouldn't have abandoned me and taken away everything.

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blujonny

I hear a lot of 'shouldn'ts' and a proclamation that he took away 'everything. It sounds pretty extreme right now for you.

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blujonny

I think so often in grief we see ourselves as our own authority. It's like we stand behind ourselves whipping at our own backs never questioning if we have a choice over this state of mind.

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thegirl

I went to the doctor recently. I got put on meds for anxiety because the panic attacks/hysterics/freakouts/whatever-we-want-to-call-them are happening 5+ times a day several days a week. As crippling as the panic is, I'm still hesitant to take them. I tried a couple- I'm prescribed for 3 a day- and holy crap. My head felt like it was floating, my eyes felt like they were floating, and I walked around like I was drunk for a while. After a while I realized that I felt absolutely nothing, which was a nice break. Kind of peaceful, even. But wow, the meds are intense. I don't know how often I'll take them. I only even considered the option out of desperation. According to the doctor, (while there is obviously no set timeline for grief) around the 6 month mark most people are able to return to normal functioning, and the fact that I'm not there yet- and getting worse- nearing 9 months is unusual. I don't really know what to say to that. All I know is that the more I try to help myself, go to therapy, try to go to work and all that jazz, the more I feel like I lose my will to live.

As someone had titled a post in a different area- I'm tired. Physically, I'm exhausted. I still can't sleep much. When I wake up, my eyes feel like I spent the whole time crying. I'm furious when I wake up- at the fact that things are still as they are and at the fact that I woke up. I'm tired of how things are. All of it. The being alone, the sleeping alone, the not having someone there to cuddle me, the not having the only person to every make me feel ok, the guilt and knowing what I did wrong, the knowing he could have gotten better but did something so stupid instead, the feeling like I made up the relationship, the inability to remember as much as I want, the inability to call up his face- I'm so tired of all of it. There has to be a sort of system reset button somewhere that I just can't find. Because this is all just too stupid to be real.

I don't expect any helpful responses to this post. I just felt a need to vent in my currently drugged state of mind, it seems.

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AlwaysHisGirl

Dear TheGirl,

Please check out this post: "When we lose the person we love, there are only three choices." It is located in the forum "Loss of a Partner."

Also, I highly recommend you read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Our lives can change only when we change our thinking. We each create our own reality. Change your thinking and you change your life.

My mother often told us, "God helps those who help themselves." There are many things you can do to help yourself. One of those things you are doing right here - reaching out to others and sharing that terrible pain and anger that all of us have felt and are perhaps still feeling. Howling at the moon or in the car helps too. Lots of tears to be shed and anger to be felt, but always the goal is to heal.

I hope this quote helps a little.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

― Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler

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thegirl

10 months and an epic breakdown. 10 months and nothing hurts less. 10 months and everything feels wrong. All that's happening is feeling less able to recall memories. I hate it. It scares me. I don't want to think about the seven years before we were together. I want to think about after we finally got together. But sometimes my brain seems to be on shuffle taking me to memories I don't want to think about. But then when I try to recall the ones I have, the ones I want, they feel cloudy. I don't know if it's because I keep fantasizing about how it could be that's taking over or what, but I want it to stop. I want my memories.

I still go over everything in my mind. I've realized how much of it was on me and my burnout. It was because of it, because I didn't go to therapy just to vent, that I started getting frustrated, that I started thinking about, talking about, and itching to move. So much was going on in my that never got talked about and it manifested in me thinking I wanted to move. Which I really didn't. I just wanted to breathe. But I didn't take the time to figure it out. I wasn't able to explain it to him. And it cause a chain reaction which led to the end. People keep saying "you can't think like that," but how can I help it when I can feel it in my heart of hearts that I hold much of the responsibility. If I had been my sweet self, I wouldn't have done any of those things. I would have called, I would have gone home that day and everything would be ok. I don't know how to forgive myself for holding back and being "flatlined," for letting him down when he needed me most. I don't know how to forgive him for abandoning me. I don't know how to deal with any of it. Any attempt at "real life" still makes me want to curl up in a ball of nothingness. When I manage to distract myself by taking my dog out to play, eventually I have to go back inside to a place that doesn't feel like home, to no one.

I could force the emotions. But it stirs up guilt that I didn't do it for him. I was aware when I was holding back and flatlining, but I thought that would be easier for him than me being very expressive. It's also something I've struggled with for a while. But I could have changed it, and I didn't. To do it now feels like a betrayal and my mind screams at me "why didn't you do it when it mattered." Anything I think to do now that I didn't then feels like a betrayal. When someone says "you did everything you could" I know it isn't true.

I don't know how to deal with any of it. It's largely my fault and I know it. I have weak memories and I hate it. I feel overwhelmingly empty, and that I'm missing the most important part and I can't stand it. I just want to go home.

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dsmurph

It's all understandable feelings. I go through them too, all of the guilt feelings and loneliness. It's all part of it. We are forced to ride these waves. Hang in there, just like the rest of us. Vent, as much as possible. I replay what ifs a lot in my head, everyday. It's always there. But, I do know she is with the one who created her. That is my only comfort. I am here to talk if you want to private message me. dsmurph

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shellbelle73

I cried reading your story.Im so very sorry.My fiance suicided infront of me aswell 3 months ago.If you need to talk please email me shellbelle73@hotmail.com.I also have the same issues with people around me telling me life goes on.Anyway love to hear from you.Would love to chat to someone who feels the same way Shellxx

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thegirl

I haven't written here in a while. In that time, I crossed the year mark. With that comes the feeling that I'm no longer allowed to talk about it with those around me. I've always had trouble, but now I feel I shouldn't bring it up because they'll just think "o god, she's still talking about this? /she should get over it /why isn't she better etc." Such being the case, I sought out my third therapist in a relatively short amount of time. He also worked with my boyfriend, so the hope was and is that that will somehow help me. I asked him what he thought the diagnosis was since it obviously wasn't just depression. He told me he believes it was bipolar, which was one of the ones I had been considering.

I wish I could say going to see him has been helpful, but that would be a lie. He's having me focus on positive things that happen during the day and noticing how I'm a factor in those happening. While I understand why he wants me to do it- I was trying to get my boyfriend to do exactly the same thing- I'm frustrated that he doesn't understand that it won't help me. It seems every therapist I've tried I hit that wall with- they don't understand my major pains and don't deal with them. While I like this guy the best, I'm starting to close off to him as well, because he seems to have missed the window to understand what's going on. It makes me feel increasingly alienated when the people that are supposed to know how to help don't know how to help me. It also makes me regret not going when my boyfriend had asked me to go much earlier in our relationship even more. It would have benefited me, and us, greatly. I just didn't realize how much damage had already been done.

Everything I try to do to help myself seems a double edged knife. I have a group of friends where I live now who I can see every day. This is great because I've lacked that social circle for a while. At the same time, it kills me. We can hang out for hours, but eventually everyone goes home together or to their significant other and I'm left to face the night alone. Nights have always been bad and are just getting worse. And when you barely sleep, it's a long time to fight the demons by yourself.

Everything's getting worse. I am not doing well. When I say that, I have frequently now gotten the response "well, you look a lot better." I don't know how to respond to that. I don't expand on what it means when I say I'm not going well, but that response seems like a way of saying "yea, but you don't look it so clearly it's not as bad as you think." I'm getting increasingly frustrated and desperate. With every step that I attempt to take towards "help" or normalcy, I can't help but think "to what end?" or "why? what's the point anymore?" I don't know how to get out of this limbo. I don't know how much longer I can "be strong" during the bad moments when in that desperate moment also comes the realization that there is nothing and no one who will come help me. How long are you supposed to linger on when you can physically feel the void in your chest from not having the love you need? That's what I can't get the therapists- or anybody else, really- to understand. You can have me notice the positive things all you want, but it does nothing against the void. And working on "getting better" so that I can continue on in the hope of maybe filling the void again is not really a happy thought. I had the love of my life. As frustrated as I got, as messed up as things got, as walled off as he got, I never doubted that. I do, however, very strongly doubt that I will ever feel that again.

This is not a plea for advice. Honestly, there is none anyone can give that I haven't heard before. This is more of a get-it-out-somewhere kind of post.

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dsmurph

Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming..

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matt10e

My 28 year old son took his own life on 4/11/13 at 3am. He had been drinking all evening. He arrived at his apartment and his neighbor was awake and he went in to talk to him. He told his neighbor "that some punk ass white boy" blindsided him while he was in his 2012 Mercedes convertible while he was in line at steak and shake. The neighbor told us he was pissed off and was brandishing his conceal and carry gun. He told the neighbor he should have killed the guy who hit him. The neighbor told him hew would not have wanted to kill him he would have been all over the news. He said I could have killed him and then kill myself, He pulled the gun up to his head to show how he could do and the gun went off. Lights Out. The neighbor said he did not even flinch, it was over before he could even jump up. I had just taken on a different job in another state. I work with over 200 accounts that I had only known for a month. I could not tell them about my son. I am up here all alone with my wife back at my old house trying to do my job, while all the people I work with don't have a clue as the pain I am in.

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thegirl

I'm nearing the two year mark in a few weeks. Nothing has changed. I still can't function normally, I still can't sleep, I'm still as destroyed as I was when it happened only now I have added feelings of being thought of as insignificant in all of this.

 

I asked D's mother for some of his ashes yesterday. I had asked his brother on several occasions (as he had taken the box with them) prior to this, but he'd always refused, saying he wanted him in one place. This seriously bothered me because 1) they donated organs, so he's not 2) I was his effing girlfriend, and I planned on being with him for life 3) whenever his brother didn't have a stable living situation- which was often- rather than leaving the ashes with ME, he left them with a friend of his. This is the kid who D was spending a lot of his time with at the end and who was an incredibly toxic influence to his mental well-being. It angers me beyond words that he did that. It angers me that he refused to give me even a small amount, it pisses me off that he was in charge of them to begin with. Like I don't matter.

 

When I asked his mom- because I'm sick of waiting for his brother to maybe change his mind- she said she'd need some time as the brother had just gone through a breakup and it wouldn't be good for his mental well-being to ask him now. It makes me SO angry because he had two fucking years to give me some, most of which he hadn't been dealing with a breakup. It's like my pain doesn't matter. I don't matter in all of this. Never mind that it was ME who lived with D, who took him to appointments, who dealt with his lowest moments, who quit my job to take care of him, who planned my life around his illness. And in all of that it's like I don't matter. His brother once removed something I'd posed on D's fb wall the day after his birthday- meaning he'd had to log in to do that. Who does that? It's like he wanted his post to be on top, because his pain is more important, is the one that matters. All I had said was "you should be here with me." I have so many issues with things his brother did after it all happened, but this thing with the ashes makes me angriest. I don't want to have to wait any longer. He had plenty of time. And frankly, I don't care if he's going through a breakup right now. He's not great with processing emotions so who knows how long it'll be before he's "strong enough" to give up a freaking teaspoon of ashes. It's like I'm still competing with him for D. I had to compete when he was alive- D tended to listen to his advice even if I'd said the exact same thing not 15 minutes prior- and I still have to compete. 

 

It's mildly devastating being told to wait. Having some ashes would help me, and I'm told to wait. I am not doing well; I hardly have any support from anywhere, and the one thing that I truly want that would give me a smidgen of relief, I have to wait. I don't even know how to respond to his mother, I'm so crushed by being told to wait. 

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michelle001

I lost my husband to suicide 10 months ago. I'd say things have gotten harder rather than easier.  I am feeling many of the emotions that many of you have described.  The loss of my beloved husband would have been difficult enough but the suicide throws it into a whole other realm.  The loss, the guilt.  I review the last few years of his life and feel that there were some signs and maybe in someway he was trying to tell me something.....but in no way, no way whatsoever did I see this coming.  No one did.  I, however, was the one that lived with him and if anyone should have seen something was wrong it should have been me.  The complete feeling of being rejected, our life that I had loved so much, was something he wanted to escape.  In this 10 months I have practically thought of nothing else.  I work and that helps take my mind off things for a little while but the moment I have a minute to think I am right back to the morning of the discovery of his death. 

I discovered my husband in the garage after he killed himself with a rifle.  When I discovered him my brain went into some kind of denial and would not let me properly see what it was I was observing.  He was lying down and the puddle of blood around him and  I thought it was a blanket.  I did not see all the blood and tissue and gray matter that apparently was there.  It is like my brain tried to protect me.  Of course it would make no sense that my husband would be lying on a cement floor sleeping.  I wonder if anyone else had that experience and can explain to me why this happened to me

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sincerelysherry

Oh Michelle I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear husband and the tramatic experience you are going through. I found my Mother after she shot herself in the kitchen with a puddle of blood around her and it was still growing. Yes, it is a nightmare image your mind and body can barely comprehind. I know the wide range of emotions and the roller coaster you have been on. It has been two years this December for me and I still think of it everyday and still cry several times a week.

 

Never in a million years did I think my Mother would have done this. She did leave us notes but we still did not know of her depression or her even thinking about this. And there are still so many unanswered questions. You are right, this is a totally different realm. It is sad when a person dies of an illness or accident, but when there is a suicide, especially violently, it creates so many different emotions to deal with and the healing process is so different. Ilness or accident, they did not chose to leave us, suicide, they did chose to leave us and we do feel rejected.

 

Who knows what our loved ones were going through in their minds? Some are just born with elements of sadness and depression, some have addictions, some have chemical imbalances, some have medicinal reactions and some just do not have the coping mechanism to deal with life's problems and their nerves just cannot take anymore. Whatever the reason, never feel like it was your fault or anyone's fault. It was something within themselves.

 

I firmly believe that we are sent here for a purpose and we have a journey that we must go through. Some people's journey is more tragic and ends differently, but I believe it is for a reason. He apparently had completed his journey and your journey is to continue and learn from him and what he left behind. Think of how much stronger you are because of this, think of how much more you value life because of this, think of how much more compassionate you are because of this. Did you ever think you could be this strong and a survivor? Think of what an inspiration your probably are to others over this. We never know when we start out in life the challenges that will come our way. Life usually does not turn out the way we dream of. But I have been through so much, that I have learned that no matter what life (or the Devil) throws at me, I can endure with God's help.

 

I pray that God will watch over you, protect you, give you comfort, strength, and courage. I pray that your life will be blessed with happiness and that good fortune comes your way, that you will learn to love again, hope and dream again. I know your husband would want you to have a happy life and not dwell on the sadness. He would not want you to be sad like apparently he was. I know you feel like he left you and rejected you but he was rejecting himself, not you. So, in honor of his memory, create a beautiful life for yourself and try to find happiness. You will see him again one day and I am sure he is watching over you.  

 

 

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michelle001

Thank you Sincerelysherry for your words of wisdom and comfort.  Know that it helped.

 

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longhaul

Michelle, I can understand exactly what you're describing.  It's been many years since my husband shot himself, but the feelings of horror and confusion and utter despair are still there.  It's just that the edges have dulled.  I also had no idea what was coming - total surprise.  And yes, things got harder at first instead of easier.  It was by no means a straight road to feeling better.  But it does happen eventually.  The why never makes sense.  If you are religious or spiritual perhaps you can find some comfort there.  For me, the only comfort was coming to grips with the fact that depression and suicide are illnesses like any other, a tragic horrible disease that we don't understand but takes our loved ones and leaves us alone and scared and lost. 

I came to this site because it's the anniversary of my husband's death and the memories are fresh in my mind.  I hate that this wonderful man has not been part of my life or part of the world, but I no longer feel rejected.  He chose to spend his life with me, for as long as he wanted to be alive.  The demons he struggled with were part of his illness.  I'm grateful for the years we had even if I still mourn the years we did not get.

 

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michelle001

He chose to spend his life with me for as long as he wanted to be alive.....thanks for that.  I will hang on to that for now.  Thanks for your support, it means a lot

 

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Summer_blonde

My best friend committed suicide almost 2 months ago. We dated for the first 8 yrs, and then kept our relationship "friends" after for the past 11 yrs. It was very unexpected, and has been a difficult road. It really doesn't seem real. My father passed away 5 yrs ago and as messed up as it sounds to some, losing my best friend seems harder. I was expecting my dad to pass on, not my soulmate. Nobody understands, because suicide seems like a dirty word. Who would take their own life? He didn't leave a note, or tell anyone how bad it was. I am so lost. I cry at the most ridiculous times, and people who know look at me weird. Conversations are awkward. I can't sleep. Can't concentrate on work. My mom thinks I'm a fragile China doll that will break at any moment. Can't talk to anyone, cause nobody understands. I miss him so much. I am so mad at him. I love him. I don't know how to deal. Lost.

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